Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 2, Episode 13 - The Merchant of Menace - full transcript

When Quackerware comes to life, S.H.U.S.H. thinks Herb Muddlefoot is behind it!. Drake investigates by joining in on Herb's Quackerware sales route.

♪ DARING DUCK OF MYSTERY ♪

♪ CHAMPION OF RIGHT ♪

♪ SWOOPS OUT OF
THE SHADOWS ♪

♪ DARKWING OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE SOME
VILLAIN SCHEMES ♪

♪ BUT HIS NUMBER'S UP ♪

3, 2, 1!

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS.



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

DARKWING, DARKWING DUCK!

♪ A CLOUD OF SMOKE
AND HE APPEARS ♪

♪ THE MASTER OF SURPRISE ♪

♪ WHO'S THAT CUNNING
MIND BEHIND ♪

♪ THE SHADOWY DISGUISE ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE ♪

♪ THE BAD GUYS ARE
OUT OF LUCK ♪

♪ HERE COMES ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LOOK OUT!

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS!



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BAD BOYS ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪♪

WE'RE SO LUCKY, LAUNCHPAD.

AS WORLD-CLASS CRIME FIGHTERS

WE CAN ESCAPE THE DRUDGERY OF
THE DOMESTICATED DWELLERS

THAT SURROUND US.

THEN, HOW COME WE HAVE
TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH?

A SMALL PRICE TO PAY FOR
THE PERFECT COVER.

NO ONE CAN BOTHER US.

EXCEPT HERB MUDDLEFOOT.

QUICK, IN HERE.

HERB'S IN HIS
QUACKERWARE SELLING
MODE.

AND I CAN'T STAND THE
WAY HE SAYS--

HEY, NEIGHBOR.

OH, THE JOYS OF
ADJOINING YARDS.

THIS IS OUR BIGGEST SELLER.

MODEL Q-73-01.

BUT I CALL IT BUDDY.

WHAT IS THIS, CAREER
DAY AT KINDERGARTEN?

MY GOSH, THE FLASH QUACK!

GEE, HERB, DID
ANYONE EVER TELL YOU

YOUR HEAD RESEMBLES ONE
OF YOUR BEST SELLERS?

REALLY, DRAKESTER?

SAY, THIS ISN'T A BAD
LITTLE CONTAINER, HERB.

WELL, YOU MIGHT WANT THE
MATCHING PITCHER AND
DESSERT SET.

FINE. I'LL TAKE IT.
I'LL TAKE IT.

SEE, DRAKE, HERB IS A
PRETTY GOOD SALESMAN.

RIGHT.

BYE, HERB.
GOTTA GO.

GOTTA GET
TO WORK.

I AM THE TERROR THAT
FLAPS IN THE NIGHT.

YOU NEVER CEASE TO
AMAZE ME, DARKWING.

I HAVE A MOST
PERPLEXING CASE.

A WILDLY VILLAIN HAS SLIPPED
THROUGH THE HANDS OF OUR
BEST AGENTS.

THAT'S WHY I'VE
CALLED YOU IN.

NATURALLY.

AGENT GRYZLIKOFF--

IS TOTALLY INCOMPETENT.
I AGREE.

IT TAKES SOMEONE WILLING
TO BREAK THE RULES

TO SOLVE THE TOUGHEST CASES.

HE'S A BUFFOON. WHY, HE'S--

I THOUGHT I SMELLED
SOMETHING BURNING.

I'LL GET THE FILE.

OUR VILLAIN IS A
SUSPECTED JEWEL THIEF

WHO HAS BEEN TRACKED ALL
OVER THE COUNTRY.

NOW SEVERAL ST. CANARD
HOMES HAVE BEEN HIT.

AND LOCAL AUTHORITIES
HAVE ASKED US TO LOOK
INTO IT.

AND WHAT'S THIS FOWL
FIEND'S FETISH?

A QUACKERWARE SALESMAN.

QUACKERWARE?

A BRILLIANT COVER. LOOK.

HERB?

THERE'S A MISTAKE
HERE, J. GANDER.

HERB MUDDLEFOOT'S
NOT YOUR MAN.

I REFUSE TO TAKE THIS CASE.

YOU WON'T TAKE
THE CASE?

YOU'RE NOT ONE OF
OUR AGENTS,

SO, TECHNICALLY, I CAN'T
MAKE YOU TAKE IT.

YOU CERTAINLY CAN'T.

AGENT GRYZLIKOFF, I TURN
THE CASE OVER TO YOU.

THANK YOU, WARY MUCH.

YOU WILL NOT BE DISSIPATED.

I WAS PREPARED--

WAIT A MINUTE!

I'M THE EXOTIC VILLAINS
EXPERT AROUND HERE.

AND I SAY YOU SHOULD
DROP THE CASE.

ARMED WITH THE LATEST
S.H.U.S.H. TECHNOLOGY,

I WILL FINISH
THIS MUDDLEFOOT.

BUT I TOLD YOU,
HE'S NOT A SPY.

WE STILL MUST
INVESTIGATE.

THERE'S GOT TO BE ANOTHER
WAY TO PROTECT HERB.

YOU WANT TO LEARN
ABOUT QUACKERWARE?

INCREDIBLE AS IT SEEMS, YES.

I COULD USE THE EXTRA CASH.

AND THIS QUACKERWARE THING'S
PRETTY PROFITABLE.

YOU'VE COME TO THE
RIGHT PLACE.

YOU'RE A MILLIONAIRE
WITH QUACKERWARE!

THERE YOU GO. ENJOY
YOUR QUACKERWARE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
MR. MUDDLEFOOT.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

SO, HERB MUDDLEFOOT, MR.
SALESMAN OF THE DECADE,

WHO SAYS WEASEL LOMAN IS
A QUACKERWARE FAILURE?

TURNING ORDINARY QUACKERWARE
INTO THIEVING ROBOTIC SLAVES

IS WEASEL LOMAN'S
SUCCESS OF THE CENTURY!

I JUST NEED MORE RAW MATERIAL.

WELCOME TO THE WORLD
OF QUACKERWARE.

OF COURSE, MY MAIN SUPPLY'S
LOCKED UP DOWN AT THE PLANT.

LIKE A SECOND HOME TO ME

IS THE QUACKERWARE FACTORY.

WHAT A MOTOR MOUTH.

MEET THE FINEST YEAR-ROUND
FOOD STORAGE SYSTEM MADE.

SUMMER, WINTER,
SPRING, OR AUTUMN,

PRESS THE BUBBLE
ON THE BOTTOM.

NEXT, DRESS FOR SUCCESS.

YES, I CHOSE TO BE HERE.

DRAKESTER,
ON A SALE,

YOU MUST ACT LIKE A
SECRET AGENT.

HERE. YOU'RE
GONNA WEAR THIS.

YOUR CARRYING CASE.

DRAKESTER, I THINK WE BETTER
LOOK AT THE SALES TECHNIQUE
REINFORCEMENT SLIDES.

NUMBER 1-- KNOW YOUR PRODUCT.

NUMBER 2-- YOU GOTTA
KNOW THE TERRITORY.

UUM, NO SIGN OF GRYZLIKOFF
YET IN THIS AREA.

WHAT'S THAT, HERB?

OH, NOTHING.

THAT'S ME WINNING THE
SALESMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD.

I DON'T KNOW HOW
THAT GOT IN THERE.

SALESMAN OF THE YEAR?

HERB MUST HAVE A PRETTY
GOOD PRODUCT HERE.

ANOTHER SALESMAN OF THE YEAR?

NO, NO. THAT'S SALESMAN
OF THE DECADE.

DECADE?
DECADE?

WELL, JUST ONE DECADE.

HERB, YOU'RE OUR
REAL HERO.

OUR NEIGHBORHOOD HERO.

ENOUGH CHIT-CHAT. LET'S
SELL SOME QUACKERWARE.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT. DRAKESTER.

A SALESMAN'S ZEAL IS
THE AIR-TIGHT SEAL

ON A QUACKERWARE DEAL.

COME ON, DRAKESTER.

GOOD DAY, MADAME.
MUDDLEFOOT HERE.

HERB MUDDLEFOOT. LET ME
INTRODUCE THE QUACKERWARE BRAND.

HERB MUDDLEFOOT, MY STARS!

EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO YOU ARE.

WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT,
I'LL TAKE IT.

I'LL TAKE IT ALL.

WAIT'LL I TELL MY
FRIEND, DORIS, THAT HERB
MUDDLEFOOT WAS HERE!

WOW! HERB MUDDLEFOOT'S
GOT GROUPIES.

OH, NO. GRYZLIKOFF!

AH-HA. I'VE GOT YOU IN MY
SIGHTS, MR. MUDDLEFOOTER.

GOTTA PROTECT HERB. HERB!

COME ON, DRAKE.

HEY!

WHOOOA!

HERB, ARE YOU OK?

I DIDN'T MEAN
TO BUMP YOU.

YOU CAN SHAKE IT,

BUT YOU JUST
CAN'T BREAK IT.

LET ME TRY THIS ONE.

REMEMBER, DRAKE, QUACKERWARE
WILL TAKE YOU THERE.

THANKS, HERB. THAT'S
VERY ZEN OF YOU.

HELLO, MADAME,
MALLARD HERE.

DRAKE MALLARD. ALLOW ME TO
INTRODUCE QUACKERWARE.

FAVE OF OTHER PEOP--
EVERYBODY.

OH, REALLY? SHOW ME
HOW IT WORKS.

YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?

WELL...YOU'RE LOOKING AT...

ONE OF THE STUPIDEST
PRODUCTS IN THE LAND.

DOES THIS DO ANYTHING?

DON'T TELL ME-- A SALESMAN'S
DEAL IS THE AIR-TIGHT SMILE--

OH, LET ME TAKE THE
NEXT ONE, HERB.

I KNOW I CAN DO IT.

WELL, ALL RIGHT,

BUT IF YOU GET STUCK,
THIS TIME REMEMBER

TO CALL ME FOR HELP.

I WON'T BE NERVOUS.
I WON'T BE NERVOUS.

GOOD DAY, MADAME. MALLARD HERE.
MADAME. NO, I'M MALLARD.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE
QUACKERWARE.

AIR-TIGHT AND FULL OF ZEAL,

IT'S OLDEST WHEN WE
SOLD IT ON THE DAY--

SORRY, BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR CARNIVAL PERFORMERS.

WAIT. GIVE ME A CHANCE.

AT LEAST LET ME GET MY--

FOOT IN THE DOOR.

OH, WHY CAN'T I SELL
JUST ONE CRUMMY BOWL?

ONE LITTLE PLATE?

ANYTHING.

HERE'S SOMETHING TO
HELP YOU OUT--

THE QUACKERWARE CHEER.

♪ LIKE THE HUNDRED LEGS
ON A CENTIPEDE ♪

♪ WE MOVE FORWARD IN A
GREAT STAMPEDE ♪

♪ EVEN THE OTHER GUYS
MUST CONCEDE ♪

♪ QUACKERWARE SALESMEN
ARE A SPECIAL BREED ♪♪

I NEVER KNEW YOU WERE
SO TALENTED, HERB.

MUDDLEFOOT HAS A
NEW APPRENTICE.

HE NEVER LET ME BE
HIS APPRENTICE.

MY QUACKERWARE BEEPER!

DUTY CALLS. I'LL
BE RIGHT BACK.

YOU GUARD THE SAMPLES.

HERB MUDDLEFOOT HERE.

THERE'S NEVER A COMPLAINER WITH
A QUACKERWARE CONTAINER.

WHOM AM I
SPEAKING TO?

THIS IS MRS.
JOHN Q. PUBLIC,

AND I'M A COMPLAINER.

I DON'T LIKE MY
QUACKERWARE.

I DEMAND A REFUND NOW!

OH, NO! THIS
IS HORRIBLE!

QUICK. GIVE ME YOUR
ADDRESS, MA'AM.

I'VE GOT TO GO ON A
SPECIAL CALL, DRAKESTER.

YOU TAKE THE QUACKERWARE
AND KEEP ON GOING, OK?

I'LL CATCH UP TO YOU
LATER A FEW BLOCKS DOWN.

SALESMAN OF THE DECADE, HA!

IF HE CAN DO IT, SO CAN I.

I'LL SELL THIS QUACKERWARE
IF IT KILLS ME.

MALE SOCIAL DEVIATE.

HEY! GIVE ME--

A BOMB SHELTER.

NOTHING LIKE GETTING BLOWN
UP TO BOOST THE OLD MORALE.

HEY, HERB, COME BACK.

GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE.

I'M JUST GETTING
THE HANG OF IT.

HERB!

SO MR. HERB DOES
NOT WORK ALONE--

HE HAS AN ACROPOLIS.

NOW I GET TWO BIRDS
WITH ONE STONE.

HERB! OH, NO.
DIVERSION TIME.

HEY! YOU! OVER
HERE, LARD HIPS.

I BET YOU CAN'T
JUMP THIS FENCE.

I SHOW YOU WHO CAN DO WHAT,

MR. HERB'S COHORT.

ACE IN THE HOLE.

COME ON. TALK TO ME.

TIME FOR PHASE
TWO. HA-HA-HA.

A LITTLE DAB OF PAINT
AND YOU GUYS'LL BE READY

FOR HIGH SOCIETY.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

WELL, THIS IS THE
ADDRESS ALL RIGHT.

BUT THERE SEEMS TO
BE NOBODY HOME.

GEE, I HOPE
DRAKE'S DOING OK

OUT THERE ON THE
QUACKERWARE TRAIL.

I BETTER GET BACK.

NOW WHO SHOULD I
START WITH?

EENIE, MEENIE, MINIE--

HERB!

EENIE, MEENIE, MINIE, HERB?

HERB, YOU'RE GOTTA GIVE
ME ANOTHER CHANCE.

SAY, THIS IS SOME
NEIGHBORHOOD.

I BET WE CAN MAKE A
REAL KILLING HERE.

I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D SAY THIS,

BUT YOU ARE A PRO.

YOU KNOW IT, KID.

STICK WITH ME AND WE'LL SWING
INTO SOME HIGH-GEAR SELLING.

YES.

YOU SHOULD BUY SOME
QUACKERWARE, PAL.

IT'S REAL GOOD, SEE?

SUCH LOW-CLASS PRODUCTS WILL
NEVER CROSS THIS THRESHOLD.

THIS HOUSE CONTAINS
ABSOLUTELY NO PLASTICS.

WELL, CHECK THIS OUT, BOSCO.

SPECIAL GOLD-LEAF
EDITION QUACKERWARE,

JUST FOR SNOOTS LIKE
YOURSELF.

OH, WELL, THAT'S QUITE
DIFFERENT ALTOGETHER.

I'LL TAKE FIVE.

HEY, I DIDN'T SEE
THAT IN THE CATALOG.

LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU GO
AHEAD AND START ON THE
NEXT HOUSE?

OK.

THEY SAID I DIDN'T
UNDERSTAND QUACKERWARE.

WELL, THIS PUTS A WHOLE NEW
LEVEL OF UNDERSTANDING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WAY UP HERE, DRAKE?

THIS STREET ISN'T ON
OUR SALES ROUTE.

BUT, HERB, I CAME
HERE WITH YOU.

WAIT A MINUTE. I LEFT
YOU UP THE STREET.

THERE YOU ARE.
RIGHT OVER--

WHAT THE HECK
IS THAT?

WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S
NOT IN MY CATALOG.

THAT GUY'S A BIG PHONEY.

YOU GOTTA LOT OF
NERVE, FELLA!

GET UP HERE!

A MASK! HEY, I'VE BEEN
PLAYED FOR A SAP.

THAT'S GRYZLIKOFF'S
DEPARTMENT.

IT'S WEASEL LOMAN.

YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT,
MUDDLEFOOT.

HE WAS A DISGRACE TO THE
QUACKERWARE CORPS.

A STAIN ON THE
BOWL OF LIFE.

WELL, LISTEN TO
THE BOY SCOUT.

QUACKERWARE'S A
TENTH-RATE PRODUCT

THAT TAUGHT ME TO REALIZE
ITS TRUE POTENTIAL.

YOU CAN DISGRACE YOURSELF

AND YOU CAN DISGRACE
ME, WEASEL,

BUT WHEN YOU START MESSING
WITH QUACKERWARE,

THAT'S IT FOR OL' HERB
MUDDLEFOOT. COME ON.

LOOKS LIKE TWO BEACHBALLS
WITH A GRUDGE.

YIKES, GRYZLIKOFF!

THIS IS JOB FOR...

THE TERROR THAT
FLAPS IN THE NIGHT.

DARKWING DUCK!
THIS IS MY CASE!

DUCK, YOU ARE RIGHT!

YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.

NOW LET'S PUT OUR DIFFERENCES
ASIDE AND WORK TO--

GRYZLIKOFF?

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY?

HEY, WHERE'D EVERYBODY--

HEY, YOU COME BACK HERE!

QUACKERWARE SHOULDN'T TURN
TO A LIFE OF CRIME.

STEP ON IT!

ICE CREAM TRUCK
HAS OTHER USES.

I WILL GET THEM WITH MY
FRIGID FREEZER WEAPON.

NICE SHOOTIN', SUNDANCE.

GIMME THAT THING.

ONE FROZEN WEASEL-ON-A-STICK
COMING UP.

THIS IS NOT HELPFUL.

WHEN'D YOU GET BACK?

I AM THE TERROR
THAT FLAPS IN--

YOUR WINDSHIELD.

I LOST HIM. YES,
YES, YES, I DID.

NOT BAD, BUT FOR
PHASE THREE

I'LL NEED A TON OF
GENUINE QUACKERWARE.

WHAT YOU'LL NEED IS A
TON OF GOOD LAWYERS WITH
NO MORALS.

DARKWING DUCK!

CORRECT! I SHOULD BLAST
YOU RIGHT NOW FOR LARCENY,

KIDNAPPING AND DOING A BAD
HERB MUDDLEFOOT IMITATION.

I THOUGHT I WAS PRETTY GOOD.

SORRY WE'LL NEVER GET TO DO A
SIDE-BY-SIDE COMPARISON.

THE REAL HERB
IS SAFELY--

OH, COME ON, GUYS.
QUACKERWARE DOESN'T NEED
A CRIMINAL RECORD.

...IN YOUR GRASP.

ALL RIGHT, PUT DOWN
THE GUN, DUCK!

THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED
FROM YOU, MUDDLEFOOT--

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S A TRADE SECRET.

NOT FOR A FORMER
QUACKERWARE SALESMAN.

WITH THE COMPANY'S SUPPLY
AND YOU TWO OUT OF THE WAY

I'LL HAVE IT ALL.

YOU AND QUACKERWARE
WILL BE NOTHING.

HUH-HUH-HAH-HAH-HAH

CLASSIC VILLAIN RANTING.

LET HIM GO, WEASEL.

LET HIM GO?

HA-HA, ALL RIGHT.

I MEANT LET HIM GO SAFELY.

YEOW! WE'RE OUT OF PLASTICS!

HAVE A REGULAR
QUACKERWARE PARTY, GUYS.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

HYAH!

WAIT A MINUTE. SUMMER,
WINTER, SPRING, OR AUTUMN,

PRESS THE BUBBLE
ON THE BOTTOM.

WHY CAN'T THIS BE SIMPLE?

OH, BOY.

WEASEL'S HEADED FOR THE
QUACKERWARE PLANT.

I CAN HELP YOU. I
KNOW THAT FACTORY

LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND.

MR. MUDDLEFOOT,
LET'S GET DANGEROUS.

JACKPOT!

ONCE I MUTATE THIS
ENTIRE INVENTORY

I CAN STEAL ALL THE
JEWELS ON EARTH.

GIVE UP THIS
FOLLY, EVIL ONE,

AND SURRENDER TO ME.

DARKWING DUCK!

OOOH!

YAAA-HOO-HOOO!

LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST FINISHED
THE QUACKERWARE DERBY, DUCK.

WRONG. WE'RE ABOUT
TO FINISH YOU.

WE? YOU AND WHAT ARMY?

THIS ARMY, WEASEL.

HERB MUDDLEFOOT, ONE-MAN
QUACKERWARE DEFENSE SQUAD.

OOOH! WHO TAUGHT
HIM MARTIAL ARTS?

[ TARZAN YELL ]

YAAAAA!

GOOD WORK, MR.
MUDDLEFOOT.

ALL RIGHT,
MR. DUCK DARKWING.

THIS IS MY CASE, MY ARREST.

WHERE IS MY VILLAIN?

HE SHOULD BE HERE
ANY SECOND NOW.

WE GIFT WRAPPED HIM
FOR YOU, GRYZ.

OH, MR. MUDDLEFOOT,

I JUST SAW DRAKE MALLARD
OUTSIDE-- GOOD-LOOKING CUSS--

AND HE WANTED ME TO
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

REALLY?

YES, REALLY. DRAKE SAID...

♪ LIKE THE HUNDRED LEGS
ON A CENTIPEDE ♪

♪ WE MOVE FORWARD IN A
GREAT STAMPEDE ♪

♪ EVEN THE OTHER GUYS
MUST CONCEDE ♪

♪ QUACKERWARE SALESMEN
ARE A SPECIAL BREED ♪♪

WHY, THAT DRAKESTER.
WHAT A GUY.