Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 7 - Dirty Money - full transcript

Darkwing must pass the SHUSH Standard Proficiency Test in order to rescue SHUSH director J. Gander Hooter who has been kidnapped by cleaning lady/ money launderer/ FOWL agent, Ammonia Pine.

♪ DARING DUCK OF MYSTERY ♪

♪ CHAMPION OF RIGHT ♪

♪ SWOOPS OUT
OF THE SHADOWS ♪

♪ DARKWING OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE SOME
VILLAIN SCHEMES ♪

♪ BUT HIS NUMBER'S UP ♪

3, 2, 1!

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE,
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS.



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

DARKWING, DARKWING DUCK!

♪ A CLOUD OF SMOKE
AND HE APPEARS ♪

♪ THE MASTER OF SURPRISE ♪

♪ WHO'S THAT
CUNNING MIND BEHIND ♪

♪ THE SHADOWY DISGUISE ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE ♪

♪ THE BAD GUYS
ARE OUT OF LUCK ♪

♪ HERE COMES ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LOOK OUT!

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE,
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS!



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BETTER CALL ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪♪

I HOPE THAT
DARKWING DUCK
RECEIVED OUR SIGNAL.

I'M SURE HIS LOGIC
AND DEDUCTION

WILL SOLVE
THIS CASE.

BUT HE IS NOT
AN AGENT OF SHUSH.

HE HAS NO RESPECT

FOR PROPER PROCEDURES.

HE IS COMPLETELY
UNPREDICTABLE!

PRECISELY WHY
THE CRIMINAL ELEMENT
FEARS ME.

I'M THE TERROR THAT
FLAPS IN THE NIGHT,

THE COMBINATION LOCK
ON THE VAULTS
OF JUSTICE.

I AM DARKWING DUCK!

[COUGHING]

THANK YOU
FOR COMING, DARKWING.

WE'VE A SPOT
OF TROUBLE HERE.

ANOTHER BANK
HAS BEEN CLEANED OUT,

AND I MEAN CLEANED.

DISORDERLY MINDS,
LIKE YOURS,

DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE CONCEPT
OF CLEANLINESS.

J. GANDER LIKES
MY DISORDERLY MIND.

HAS YOUR
BY-THE-BOOK BRAIN
GONE BLANK AGAIN?

GRRR!

URRRR!

GENTLEMEN! SOME FIEND
HAS SUCCEEDED

IN RUBBING
OUT THE NATION'S
ENTIRE ECONOMY.

THIS PAPER WAS ONCE
WORTH $10,000.

NOW WITHOUT THE INK
IT'S WORTHLESS.

WITHOUT PRINTED MONEY
THE ECONOMY WILL
SELF-DESTRUCT.

THE COUNTRY
WILL BE PLUCKED!

AS CHIEF AGENT
GRYZLIKOFF

HAS BEEN UNSUCCESSFUL
IN HIS INVESTIGATIONS,

IT'S TIME TO EMPLOY
YOUR METHODS.

TIRED OF COUNTING
ON A PREDICTABLE
PAPER-PUSHER.

I'M SURE YOU
UNDERSTAND TIME
IS OF THE ESSENCE.

NO PROBLEM.
I'LL GET ON IT.

DARKWING DUCK
IS ON THE JOB.

YOU'RE TAKING
CHANCES TEASING
OLD GRYZLI.

HE PICKS HIS TEETH
WITH A CROWBAR.

FORGET THAT
BONE-HEADED BRUIN.

GRYZLIKOFF CAN'T SEE
PAST THE MANUAL'S
FINE PRINT.

I'LL ALWAYS
BE TOP DUCK
IN J. GANDER'S BOOK,

AND THAT'S
THE ONLY BOOK
THAT COUNTS.

GRRRRR!

AGENT GRYZLIKOFF
HAVE YOU SEEN
MY BRIEFCASE?

HMM...

CLEANING CREW
COMING THROUGH!

PLEASE! I HAVE URGENT
MATTERS TO ATTEND TO.

IT'S OF THE UTMOST
IMPORTANCE!

GO AHEAD.
I'LL BE THROUGH
IN A JIFFY.

YOU WON'T EVEN
KNOW I'M HERE!

MADAME, THAT'S
QUITE ENOUGH!

YOU WILL LEAVE
IMMEDIATELY!

JUST AS SOON AS I
TAKE OUT THE TRASH.

WA-WA-WAIT!

TURN IT OFF!

[COUGHING]

LET ME OUT!

YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!

DO YOU HAVE A PROGRESS
REPORT ON YOUR MISSION?

SURE DO! IT'S IN THE BAG.

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

WITH SHUSH OFF MY TAIL,

THE SCRUBBED MONEY
WILL SEND THE BANKS

DOWN THE DRAIN.

OUR ECONOMIC EXPERTS
WILL MOVE IN TO MOP UP.

I COULDN'T PUT IT
BETTER MYSELF. PINE OUT.

YOU'LL HEAR
FROM OFFICIAL--

KEEP IT DOWN,
WINDFALL!

♪ I GOT SOME HEFTY
DUTY SCRUBBIN' ♪

♪ TO DO ♪♪

HA HA HA!

I AM THE BUG CRAWLING
UP YOUR TROUSER LEG.

I DON'T NEED
AN APPOINTMENT.

I AM DARKWING DUCK!

[COUGHING]

SORRY
ABOUT THE SMOKE.

AGAIN YOU
IGNORE PROCEDURES

BY FAVORING
CHEAP THEATRICS.

IT'S WHAT I DO BEST.

FUZZY,
SHOULD YOU BE SITTING

IN J. GANDER'S DESK?

DOES YOUR RULE BOOK
ALLOW THAT?

FOR THE MOMENT
IT IS MY DESK!

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

DIRECTOR HOOTER
HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED.

WASTEBASKET'S
SPARKLING...

DESK COMPLETELY
DUST-FREE...

MICROSCOPIC SCUFF MARKS

INDICATE THE USE
OF A VACUUM APPARATUS...

HOOTER HAS BEEN HOOVERED,

OBVIOUSLY BY THE
MONEY-LAUNDERING VILLAIN!

I'LL GET ON IT!

NO!

THERE'LL BE NO
DARKWING DISASTER

CHASING WILD HUNCHES
THIS TIME.

J. GANDER PUT ME
ON THE CASE HIMSELF.

AN OVERSIGHT.

THE SHUSH MANUAL STATES

NO CIVILIAN CAN BE
USED AS AN AGENT

UNLESS HE PASSES
A PROFICIENCY TEST.

IF YOU WORK ON THIS CASE,
YOU'LL GO BY THE BOOK.

AND THAT'S THE ONLY BOOK
THAT COUNTS.

THIS LOOKS BAD, D.W.

NO PICTURES.

I DON'T NEED IT.
NO BOOK MATCHES
MY EXPERIENCE.

PERHAPS
WE SHOULD BEGIN.

THE OBJECT--YOU HAVE TO
REACH THE OTHER SIDE...

ALIVE.

HA! CHILD'S PLAY!

THIS ISN'T HALF
AS DANGEROUS

AS VISITING MY BARBER.

THAT'S THE BEST
YOU CAN DO, GRYZLIKOFF?

[LOW VOICE]
I GUESS NOT.

HE WANTS
TO PLAY NASTY, EH?

I'LL SHOW HIM
I AM TOUGH.

THE NEXT TASK IS
THE UNDERWATER
ENDURANCE TEST.

RETRIEVE
THE MICROFILM
FROM THE POOL.

WITH MY KNOWLEDGE

OF MICRONESIAN
BREATH CONTROL--

NO PROBLEM.

[TAKING DEEP BREATHS]

[GROOGGLE GROOGGLE]

[GROOGGLE GROOGGLE]

AAH!

BACK! I'LL MAKE
SHOES OUT OF YOU!

[GASPS]

THAT WAS CLOSE.

HEY! CLOSER
THAN YOU KNOW!

[ERRR ERRR]

OW!

YOU'VE DONE BETTER
THAN EXPECTORATED.

YOUR FINAL TEST
IS SIMPLE.

REALLY? WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO,

POLE VAULT
A SKYSCRAPER,

PLAY KAZOO
WITH THE PHILHARMONIC?

JUST SURVIVE.

GOOD LUCK, D.W.!

SO, WHEN DOES
THE TEST BEGIN?

HUH, PERHAPS
I AM BEING TOO SOFT.

[BOOM]

DARKWING DUCK
EMERGES ONCE AGAIN--

SINGED,
BUT TRIUMPHANT.

SINGED, BUT TRI--

SINGED BUT--

SIN--

UH-OH.

I...BETTER GET
A DUST PAN.

GRYZLIKOFF DIDN'T THINK

I COULD QUALIFY
AS AN AGENT.

HIS LITTLE TEST
WOULDN'T STOP ME.

HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT
DARKWING DUCK

IS MADE OF IRON,
IMPERVIOUS TO PAIN.

THAT'S
THE OLD--

AAH!

THAT HURT!
DON'T DO THAT!

I MEAN, LET'S GET
ON WITH IT.

THE MANUAL SAYS
WE'RE SUPPOSE
TO USE

A D11-6
DESTINATION
DISCLOSURE FORM.

HOW HARD CAN
A SIMPLE LITTLE FORM BE?

THIS IS WORSE
THAN THE OBSTACLE COURSE.

UNBELIEVABLE!

THOSE ARE JUST
THE FORMS FOR PERMISSION

TO FILL OUT
THESE FORMS.

SLEEPING
ON SHUSH TIME?

NO! READING
THE FINE PRINT.

BECAUSE
YOU PASSED,

I'M FORCED
TO ASSIGN YOU
TO THE MISSION.

IT'S ABOUT TIME!
LET'S GET DANGEROUS!

THERE WILL BE NO
GETTING DANGEROUS!

FOLLOW ORDERS
OR YOU'RE FIRED.

FINE. WE'LL TRY IT
YOUR WAY.

[GASPS]

THERE'S MORE DANGER
IN A DAY-CARE CENTER.

THIS THING STINKS.

THIS IS
A DIAPER TRUCK.

I SHOULD BE RUNNING
THIS OPERATION,

NOT WASTING TIME
BABYSITTING BANKS.

I FIND IT KIND
OF RELAXING.

TIME TO REMOVE

♪ A LITTLE RING
AROUND THE DOLLAR ♪♪

OF COURSE!
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

IT'S AMMONIA PINE.

WHO?

SHE WAS
A CLEANING LADY

AT A RESEARCH LAB

UNTIL AN ACCIDENT WITH
A DISINFECTANT TWISTED HER

INTO MRS. HYDE
OF THE CLEANING WORLD.

NOW SHE SCRUBS FOR F.O.W.L.
LET'S MOVE!

THE MANUAL SAYS
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CALL
HEADQUARTERS FIRST.

AND SPEND THE NIGHT
FILLING FORMS?

THIS IS OUR CHANCE
TO RESCUE J. GANDER!

IT'S TIME TO PUT AMMONIA
THROUGH THE RINSE CYCLE.

WHOOPS.

DARKWING DUCK!

ONE MORE STUBBORN
STAIN TO WIPE OUT!

EAT SOAP, HERO!

[GAGGING]

OH, YEAH? WELL, SUCK GAS,
EVIL-DOER!

HA HA HA!

NOW, THERE'S
AN IMPRESSIVE
WEAPON.

AHH, WELL,
TIME TO TURN IN.

[SNORING]

LET ME SHOW YOU
SOME REAL FIRE POWER.

HA HA HA!

WELL,
THAT PROVES
HOT AIR RISES.

COME ON!
RISE AND SHINE!

WHAT ARE WE
DOING UP HERE?

WE'RE TRAPPED!

LET'S HOPE WE DON'T POP
UNTIL WE REACH THE RIVER.

NO PROBLEMO.
THIS BABY'S
PLENTY STRONG.

WHOOPS.

AAH!
AAH!

AAH!
AAH!

GRAB ON, LAUNCHPAD!

WE'RE TOO HEAVY!

I'LL TRY TO STEER
FOR THE RIVER!

[RIPPING]

[GULP]

[BOING]

[SPROING]

WHOA OH OH OH OH!

AAH!
AAH!

AAH!
AAH!

THAT WASN'T SO BAD.

NOTHING LIKE A STEEL
BELTED RADIAL TO STOP.

[SQUEAKING]

UH--

NOT ONE WORD.
GET ME OUT!

[SQUEAKING]

MAYBE WE SHOULD GET

THE OPINION
OF A CHIROPRACTOR.

[SQUEAKING]

OR AT LEAST
A PLUMBER.

[SCREECH]

WHAT KIND
OF BUBBLE-BRAIN
AGENTS DO YOU HAVE?

I COULD SCRUB YOU OUT
LIKE A BATHTUB RING.

THEY HAVE ORDERS TO DO
WHAT'S NECESSARY

TO BRING YOU TO JUSTICE.

IF I CAN'T USE YOU
AS A HOSTAGE,

YOU'RE ONE MORE STAIN
TO BE WIPED OUT.

YOU'RE QUITE MAD,
YOU KNOW.

MAYBE...

BUT I'M TIDY.

HA HA HA HA HA!

IF NOT FOR YOU,
DIRECTOR HOOTER
WOULD BE SAFE

AND AMMONIA PINE
WOULD BE UNDER ARREST!

YOU WILL LOOK AT ME
WHEN I AM SPEAKING.

YOU--

THERE WASN'T TIME!

BESIDES, I'M USED
TO WORKING ALONE,

NOT WITH SHUSH GORILLAS.

THEN IT WILL NO LONGER
BE A PROBLEM.

FINALLY.

I'M EXTERMINATING
YOUR PRESENT AND FUTURE
ASSOCIATION WITH SHUSH.

IF YOU INTERFERE,
YOU WILL BE SENT
TO PRISON!

HAVE A NICE DAY.

LIKE IT HURTS
BEING KICKED
OUT OF SHUSH.

HELPING THEM
WAS A PAIN.

BUT
WE DIDN'T EVEN GET
A GOING-AWAY PARTY.

IF J. GANDER WASN'T
IN DANGER, I'D WALK
AWAY FROM THE MESS.

IF ONLY I KNEW
WHERE TO START.

THERE'S A BILL
ON YOUR BILL.

IT'S MONEY!

THE INK FROM MONEY.
WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

THE CITY DUMP
AFTER OUR CRASH LANDING!

THEY SHOULD KNOW
WHERE IT CAME FROM.

NOW, LET'S GET
DANGEROUS.

NO DOUBT ABOUT IT,

THIS IS AMMONIA'S HIDEOUT.

CONGRATULATIONS, PINE.

NOW THAT YOU'RE FINISHED
CLEANING OUT THAT SECTOR,

WE'LL BEGIN TAKING
CONTROL OF THE BANKS.

THANKS, HIGH COMMAND.

BUT WHAT ABOUT OLD
SOURPUSS HOOTER?

HE'S ENTIRELY
AT YOUR DISPOSAL
FOR DISPOSAL.

CONSIDER IT A PERK.

THIS MUD-WRINGER
USED TO BE ON THE ROOF--

A SYMBOL OF CLEANLINESS
TO INSPIRE THE CITY.

THEY JUNKED IT
TO MODERNIZE THE FACTORY.

I SAVED IT,
EVEN MADE IT WORK.

IT'S JUST THE THING
TO SQUEEZE OUT

UNWANTED SLUDGE.

ERRR HUH ERR!

JUST RELAX
AND ENJOY THE SHOW.

IT'S...

WASH TIME!

ALL RIGHT, LAUNCHPAD!

TIME FOR DARKWING DUCK
NERVE-WRACKING ENTRANCE!

SMOKE BOMB READY?

IT'S A CHECK
AND DOUBLE-CHECK.

THEN LET'S GET DANGEROU--

I WARNED YOU NOT
TO INTERFERE.

NOW YOU ARE GOING
TO PRISON.

THERE'S NO TIME
FOR NONSENSE--

A GOOD AGENT
ALWAYS HAS TIME
TO DO IT BY THE BOOK.

[MUMBLING]

J. GANDER'S DOWN THERE,
YOU DOPE.

IF THIS IS ONE
OF YOUR TRICKS--

AAH!

[RANTING]

[MUMBLING]

NICE OF YOU
TO DROP IN.

[MUMBLING]
I'M SORRY.

SORRY, GENTS.

MY WORKS DONE HERE.

THERE'S NOTHING
LEFT TO DO--

EXCEPT MOP UP!

HA HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

I GOT TO GO!

GIVE ME A WRING SOMETIME.

I AM THE TERROR
THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT.

I AM THE PIN THAT
BURSTS YOUR BUBBLE.

I AM DARKWING DUCK!

THIS TIME WE'RE READY
FOR YOUR SINISTER SUDS.

OOOH, I'D REALLY
BE STUMPED IF I WAS
GOING TO SOAP YOU.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR A CHANCE TO USE
MY NEW TOY!

SUCK AIR, DUST BUNNIES!

HA HA HA HA HA!

WHOAOOOAOO!

OH! OH! OHO! OH!

THIS IS LIKE
MY FIRST FLIGHT--

ALL MY FLIGHTS.

OOOP!

THE SHUSH MANUAL
CAN'T HELP NOW!

FOR ONCE IT'S
GOING TO BE
A LOT OF HELP.

THE AIRS GOT
NOWHERE TO GO!

I GOT TO PULL
THE PLUG!

[BLAM]

WHAT? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

EVERYTHING
IS SO--SO....

DIRTY!

YEAH.
AND I NEVER PICK UP
MY BEDROOM, EITHER.

YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS,
DIRTWING.

YOU GET J. GANDER.
I'LL HANDLE PINE.

[CLICK CLICK CLICK]

SCUM LIKE YOU
WON'T STAIN MY RECORD.

FACE IT, AMMONIA.

I'M SCRUBBING
YOUR MISSION.

NOT SO FAST!

YOU'RE PLAYING
IN MY BUCKET.

HAH!

WHOOPS.

EN GARDE!

HAVE YOU OUT
OF THERE IN A SEC.

MMMM!

YOU'RE ALL
WASHED UP, PINE!

YOUR DOLLAR DUSTING'S DONE.

DON'T COUNT YOUR
BUBBLES BEFORE
THEY'RE POPPED.

HA HA HA HA!

[POP]

I'LL BE
SEEING YOU, DUCKS!

[POP]

NO!

AAH!

UUHAAH!

WAAH!

YOIYEYOIOI!

AAH...

EEEEEEEE...

I WASHED UP THIS TIME.

I'LL BE BACK
TO SHINE AGAIN!

THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY
IS IN YOUR DEBT.

ONCE AGAIN
YOUR UNPREDICTABLE
METHODS SAVED US.

NO...

THIS TIME WE DID IT
BY THE BOOK.

GRRRRR!