Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 39 - Planet of the Capes - full transcript

When Comet Guy returns to earth and begs Darkwing to come to his planet and help them with something, who is Darkwing to refuse? When Darkwing arrives though, he discovers that it is not his crime-fighting abilities that are needed at all. The planet of superheroes need him to be "Ordinary Guy" for them to protect! At first, Darkwing doesn't really mind, but after a while, he gets fed up with the whole thing, and goes to look for the original ordinary guy, who disappeared. What he finds is more than any of the heroes on the planet could have guessed!

♪ DARING DUCK OF MYSTERY ♪

♪ CHAMPION OF RIGHT ♪

♪ SWOOPS OUT
OF THE SHADOWS ♪

♪ DARKWING OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE
SOME VILLAIN SCHEMES ♪

♪ BUT HIS NUMBER'S UP ♪

3, 2, 1!

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS.



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

DARKWING, DARKWING DUCK!

♪ A CLOUD OF SMOKE
AND HE APPEARS ♪

♪ THE MASTER OF SURPRISE ♪

♪ WHO'S THAT CUNNING
MIND BEHIND ♪

♪ THE SHADOWY DISGUISE ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE ♪

♪ THE BAD GUYS
ARE OUT OF LUCK ♪

♪ HERE COMES ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LOOK OUT!

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS!



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BAD BOYS ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪♪

THE EVER VIGILENT
VANGUARD OF VIRTURE

SURVEYS HIS VENUE
FOR VICE AND VILLAINY.

SOME VICES REQUIRE
PARTICULARLY CLOSE ATTENTION.

WHAT THE--

THERE'S ONLY ONE FORCE
CAPABLE OF SUCH MISCHIEF...

SUCH MAYHEM,
SUCH MIGRAINES!

COMETGUY!

♪ HA HA ♪♪

♪ DARKWING ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ YOO-HOO ♪

♪ COME OUT, COME OUT
WHEREVER YOU ARE ♪♪

HE'S RUINING MY CITY
AND MY REPUTATION!

AAH!

OOPSIE.

PSST. COMETGUY.
OVER HERE.

♪ HA HA ♪♪

THERE YOU ARE!

ALWAYS A PLEASURE
TO SEE YOU.

JUST PASSING THROUGH,
OR MUST I MAIM YOU?

[SIRENS]

COME ON, LET'S GO.

COMETGUY, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YIKES!

PLANET MERTZ
IS IN TROUBLE.

YOU MUST COME AT ONCE.

I CAN'T. I'M TOO BUSY
THWARTING CRIME HERE.

MY ENTIRE PLANET
IS DEPENDING ON YOU.

DARKWING?

HMM.
AN ENTIRE PLANET.

[SCREECH]

THINK WHAT THAT WOULD
DO FOR MY RESUME.

WHAT'S ONE CITY
COMPARED TO A PLANET?

A PLANET THAT NEEDS ME,

DARKWING DUCK!

♪ HO HO ♪♪

NO TIME TO WASTE.

[DARKWING]
IS THERE
A REST STOP?

[COMETGUY]
YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT
OF THAT EARLIER.

ANOTHER PERFECT LANDING.

YOU AND LAUNCHPAD
MUST HAVE GONE TO
SCHOOL TOGETHER.

♪ HOME AGAIN, HOME AGAIN
JIGETTY-JOG ♪♪

WELCOME TO PLANET MERTZ!

IT'S A PARADE
IN YOUR HONOR.

HOORAY, DARKWING DUCK!

HOORAY, DARKWING DUCK!

COMETGUY, WHAT AM
I DOING HERE ANYWAY?

THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON
ON PLANET MERTZ IS MISSING!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

'NUFF SAID, AMIGO.

THIS ISN'T TICKER TAPE.

IT'S ADHESIVE TAPE.

ADHESIVE TAPE
IS MUCH EASIER TO PICK UP.

I SHOULD HAVE PACKED
MY TEFLON SUIT.

AS OFFICIALGUY,
I GIVE YOU THE KEY
TO OUR CITY.

THIS...

IS THE HAPPIEST...

DAY OF MY LIFE.

WHOA!

WHOA-HO!

I'LL SAVE HIM!

NO, I'LL--

NO, I SHALL!

[ALL TALKING]

CRIMINY, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE THE ONLY
SUPERHERO ON MERTZ.

DIDN'T I MENTION
EVERYONE ON MERTZ
IS A SUPERHERO?

IF YOU'RE ALL
SUPERHEROES,

THEN WHY
WEAR DISGUISES?

ALL SUPERHEROES
WEAR DISGUISES.

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

TIME IS MONEY,
FAST IS FUNNY.

WHO'S MISSING?
A BRILLIANT SCIENTIST?

WELL, NOT EXACTLY.

IT'S ORDINARYGUY,

THE ONLY PERSON
ON OUR PLANET
WITHOUT SUPERPOWERS.

WE LIVE TO RESCUE HIM
FROM PERIL.

SUPERHEROES REQUIRE
SOMEONE TO SAVE.

WE'VE LOOKED
FOR HIM EVERYWHERE.

YEAH. ALL THEIR
SUPERPOWERS COMBINED

AND THEY CAN'T FIND
ONE ORDINARY GUY.

SO THEY CALL...ME.

OH! YOU'RE NOT HERE
TO FIND HIM.

YOUARE HIM!

YOU'RE HERE
TO REPLACE HIM!

WHAT?

I CAN'T BE
AN ORDINARY GUY.

I'M DARKWING DUCK...

TERROR THAT FLAPS
IN THE NIGHT,

SUPERHERO, PLANET EARTH.

YOU'RE A SUPERHERO?

COMETGUY REPORTED
YOU HAVE NO
SUPERHERO QUALITIES.

RIDICULOUS!

I HAVE SCADS
OF SUPERHERO QUALITIES.

FEAST YOUR EYES
ON THIS BABY.

OOH. WHAT'S THIS?

WATCH IT!

THAT'S A HIGHLY
SOPHISTICATED GAS GUN.

[COUGHING]

GOT A LITTLE TICKLE
IN MY THROAT.

HOW DOES
TICKLING-THE-THROAT GAS

DEFEAT THE ENEMY?

WHAT ABOUT MY
SONIC PITCH DEVICE?

[EMITS HIGH-PITCHED SOUND]

A SONIC PITCH
DEVICE?

WHAT'S THAT DO?

[PITCH GOES HIGHER
AND LOUDER]

OH.

I'VE GOT THOUSANDS
OF DEVICES HIDDEN
ON MY PERSON.

YOUR GADGETS ARE AMUSING,

BUT WHAT NATURAL TALENTS
DO YOU POSSESS?

ASIDE FROM
MY GOOD LOOKS,

THERE'S MY EFFECTIVE
WEB KICK.

HYAH!

I'D DEMONSTRATE
IT FOR YOU,

BUT DARN THIS
PAINFUL BUNION.

IS IT SOMETHING
LIKE THIS?

UH...
SORT OF, KIND OF.

MAYBE YOU HAVE
SUPERSTRENGTH.

CAN YOU DO THIS?

CAUGHT ME
ON A BAD DAY

WITH THIS
PAPER CUT.

WHAT ABOUT THIS?

CAN YOU DO ANYTHING
LIKE THIS?

HEH HEH HEH...
UH, NO...

♪ BUT I CAN DO
A MEAN SOFT-SHOE ♪♪

SEE? HE DOESN'T
HAVE ANY
SUPERPOWERS.

YOU DON'T NEED SUPERPOWERS
TO BE A SUPERHERO!

I'M NO ORDINARY GUY!
FIND SOMEONE ELSE!

PLEASE!

PRETTY PLEASE.

O.K., O.K., O.K.!

WHEW! I'LL STAY
AND BE ORDINARYGUY.

JUST STOP
THE CATERWAULING.

YOU MEAN IT?

YEAH, YEAH...

BUT ONLY FOR
A FEW DAYS.

[CHEERING]

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU...
ORDINARYGUY.

WHAT? NO
POCKET PROTECTOR?

♪ WE GOT A BRAND-NEW
ORDINARYGUY ♪

♪ WE GOT A BRAND-NEW
ORDINARYGUY... ♪♪

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

THIS WON'T BE SO BAD.

A LITTLE REST,
RELAXATION...

WHAT THE--

PAY NO ATTENTION--
WOULDN'T WANT YOU
TO GET SUNBURNED.

RIGHT. I GOT IT.

I'LL LIE HERE
AND YOU'LL PROTECT ME.

WE'RE HERE
TO SHIELD YOU...

FROM THE SUN'S
HOSTILE RAYS.

LISTEN,
THAT'S GREAT,

BUT I'M
PERFECTLY, OH--

SAFE.

♪ OUT FOR A WALK
ON A BEAUTIFUL DAY ♪♪

[WHISTLING]

ORDINARYGUY,
LOOK OUT!

I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.

HARK!
DID SOMEONE SAY "HELP"?

LOOK!
ORDINARYGUY'S ABOUT
TO CROSS THE STREET!

THAT REALLY
WASN'T NECESSARY.

I'M PERFECTLY SAFE--
WHOA!

I'VE HAD IT WITH
BEING ORDINARYGUY.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FIND
THE ORIGINAL SAP.

FIRST, I'LL HAVE TO
DISTRACT THEM.

THIS OUGHT TO
KEEP THEM BUSY.

HELP! I'M PERCHED
PRECARIOUSLY
ON THIS PRECIPICE.

I THINK I MAY FALL.

I'LL FLY UP AND SAVE HIM.

UH, BETTER NOT
COME UP HERE.

IT COULD SCARE ME,
CAUSING ME TO PLUMMET
TO AN UNTIMELY DEATH.

UNTIMELY DEATH,
I LIKE THAT.

LIKE TAKING
CANDY FROM A BABY.

AAH!

WHAT AM I WORRIED ABOUT?

I'LL BE SAVED.

THIS PLACE IS CRAWLING
WITH SUPERHEROES.

DON'T TRY
ANYTHING FOOLISH.

WHAT, THE DUMMIES HAVE
SOMETHING BETTER TO DO?

DUMMY...

HELP!

WHOA!

THAT'S JUST A TASTE
OF WHAT YOU'VE GOT COMING.

HA HA HA!

THERE YOU ARE!

YOUR TIMING
IS IMPECCABLE.

WE'VE BEEN WAITING TO
RESCUE YOU ON THE OTHER
SIDE, ORDINARYGUY.

QUIT CALLING ME
"ORDINARYGUY."

YOU NEED SOMETHING
MORE IMPORTANT TO DO.

LIKE VANQUISHING
A VILLAIN OR
SOMETHING?

I'VE GOT IT!

YOU NEED
A VILLAIN TO VANQUISH!

SUPERHEROES SHOULD
HAVE SUPERVILLAINS.

WHERE ARE WE GOING
TO FIND A VILLAIN?

MERTZ IS A PLANET
OF TRUTH AND JUSTICE.

IF YOU WANT TO LEARN
TO BE A VILLAIN,

THINK LIKE ONE.
GOT THAT?

A HERO
BECOMING A VILLAIN?

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

SURE, I'M SURE.

TAKE THIS GUY, QUACKERJACK.

HE'S WHAT WE REFER
TO AS A SICKO.

SICKO.
WRITE THAT DOWN.

NEXT,
A MASTER OF VILLAINY.

OOPS. THAT'S ME AT
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.

AS I WAS SAYING,
MASTER OF VILLAINY...

MEGAVOLT!

[GASP] ZOINKS!

AHEM.

MAYBE WE BETTER MOVE ON.

UH, WAS I
BETTER THAT TIME?

YOU CALL THAT
A MANIACAL LAUGH?

ONCE MORE,
WITH FEELING.

HA HA-HA HA.

HA HEE HA.

GIVE ME STRENGTH.

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

I THINK HE'S GOT IT.

NICE CHOICE OF LOCATION.
IT'S PERFECT.

NOW, TIE ME UP.

WHAT IF YOU
GET A ROPE BURN?

THINK LIKE A VILLAIN!
YOUARE A VILLAIN!

I ARE A VILLAIN.

IAM A VILLAIN.

I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE THE VILLAIN.

YOU ARE!
NOW, ACT LIKE ONE!

♪ HA HA ♪♪

I TOLD YOU TO TIE ME
TO SOMETHING DANGEROUS.

BUT THIS IS A NEUTRON
GRAVITRAUMATIZER.

A BUZZ SAW WOULD
HAVE SUFFICED.

I THOUGHT HAVING
YOUR MOLECULES SHREDDED
AND REARRANGED

WOULD BE
FAR MORE EXCRUCIATING.

REALLY?
THIS THING CAN DO THAT?

NOT BAD, COMETGUY.

NOW YOU'RE GETTING
THE HANG OF IT.

HEH HEH. YOU'VE
OUTDONE YOURSELF.

YOU CAN UNTIE ME
NOW, BIG GUY.

YEP. SHOW NO MERCY.

YOU GOT AN "A."

NO, YOU DON'T.
THIS IS A TEST.
NO MERCY!

"A VILLAIN LEAVES
HIS VICTIMS TO A FATE
WORSE THAN DEATH.

PAY ATTENTION,
YOU BIG APE."

HA HA HA HA!

A-HA. THE COMPETENT
CRIME FIGHTER

COMMANDS CONTROL WITHOUT
ANY SUPERHERO'S HELP.

[CRASH]

DID SOMEONE
SAY HELP?

I'LL SAVE HIM.

I BEG TO DIFFER.

I MAY NOT KNOW ART,

BUT I KNOW WHAT I LIKE.

SORRY, DARKWING.

I HAD TO COME BACK
TO SAVE YOU.

I'M JUST NOT A VILLAIN.

I'VE HAD IT!

WITH SUPERGUYS LIKE YOU,
WHO NEEDS VILLAINS?

DID SOMEONE
MENTION VILLAIN?

[GASP]
IT'S...IT'S...

IT'S...

BEATS ME.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

AND WHO THE HECK
IS YOUR TAILOR?

MAYBE THIS WILL HELP.

ORDINARYGUY!

GREETINGS, FRIEND.

WHAT'S WITH THE DISGUISE
AND THE BIG RAY GUN?

I'D HATE TO SEE
THE HOLSTER.

STAND BACK!

THERE'S A NEW
VILLAIN IN TOWN...

AND HIS NAME IS
NOT-SO-ORDINARYGUY.

SURELY YOU JEST.
YOU'RE NO VILLAIN.

THAT WAS BEFORE
I GOT FED UP
WITH NO PRIVACY.

I WATCHED THEM DO TO YOU
WHAT THEY DID TO ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

GRANTED,
THEY ARE PESKY,

BUT YOU DON'T SEE
ME TURNING BAD.

NYAH NYAH. MAYBE I LIKE
BEING A VILLAIN.

IF YOU
COULDN'T HACK IT
AS ORDINARYGUY,

YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT
AS A VILLAIN.

TAKE HIM OUT.

BUT WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO SAVE ORDINARYGUY,
NOT HURT HIM.

YOU'LL PAY,
MR. DARKWING-ORDINARY-DUCK.

YOU CAN BE
THE FIRST TO GO.

OH. THAT GUN
PACKS A WALLOP.

SHAME ON YOU,
ORDINARYGUY.

NOW I'LL HAVE
TO DESTROY THIS RAY GUN.

IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

USE YOUR COMETBREATH!

[COUGH]
MY STRENGTH IS GONE.

[COUGH COUGH]

I'M NO ORDINARY GUY,
AND THIS IS NO ORDINARY GUN.

IT'S A STRENGTH-SAPPING
RAY GUN.

I'M SICK OF SUPERHEROES
WITH SUPERPOWERS.

NOW, YOU'LL ALL
BE SUPERWIMPS!

HA HA HA HA HA!

YOUR CELEBRATED STRENGTH
IS ALL GONE.

LOOK AT YOU NOW,
YOU NAMBY-PAMBIES

THAT'S MR. NAMBY-PAMBY
TO YOU,

YOU PLUG-UGLY HOOLIGAN!

LET'S SETTLE THIS
THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.

[CRASH]

[ORDINARYGUY]
OH, NOW WHO'S
PLUG-UGLY, HUH?

REPEAT THE QUESTION,
PLEASE.

♪ Ho ho ♪♪

I'M NOT DONE
WITH YOU YET, ORDINARYGUY.

O.K., DARKWING DUCK...

THE JIG'S UP.
PREPARE TO EAT RAY.

YOU'LL HAVE TO GO THROUGH
US FIRST, ORDINARYGUY.

ALL RIGHT, THEN.
HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

SAY GOODBYE, PINHEADS.

I AM THE TERROR THAT
FLAPS IN THE NIGHT.

I AM THE HAM RADIO
OPERATOR

WHO SCRAMBLES
YOUR RECEPTION.

I AM DARKWING...

DUCK!

[CRASH]

YOU BROKE MY GUN.

WHAT A GYP.

WELL, ORDINARYGUY,
SHALL WE CALL IT A DAY?

LET'S CALL IT
A NIGHT,

AS IN GOOD NIGHT,
DARKWING DUCK.

[ENGINE WON'T START]

I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE GOT
THE EXTENDED WARRANTY.

THE MANUAL DIDN'T SAY
IT WORKED IN REVERSE.

[GASP]
LOOK AT ME NOW!

I'M EXTRA-ORDINARYGUY.

NYAH NYAH NYAH.

YOUR NATURAL STRENGTHS ARE
NOTHING COMPARED TO MINE.

PHOOEY. NOW HE'LL
NEVER NEED SAVING.

O.K., ORDINARYGUY,

GIVE UP WHILE YOU
STILL HAVE A--

CHANCE.

TODAY, MERTZ...
TOMORROW,
THE UNIVERSE!

HA HA HA!

HEY!

TWO CAN PLAY
AT THIS GAME.

LET'S SEE YOU PICK
ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE.

I HEAR
MY MOM CALLING.

IF ONLY WE HAD OUR
SUPERPOWERS BACK.

MAYBE THERE'S
SOMETHING WE CAN DO
WITHOUT THEM.

[COUGH] STEP ASIDE.
SUPERHEROES COMING THROUGH.

[ORDINARYGUY]
ALLEY-OOP!

NICE FORM, BUT YOUR
EXECUTION STINKS.

EN GARDE.

YOU KNOW THE PHRASE
"MIGHT IS RIGHT"?

DO YOU SUBSCRIBE
TO THAT?

DARKWING'S REALLY
IN TROUBLE.

SAY, WHAT WOULD HE DO
IN THIS SITUATION?

ANY LAST WORDS,
PIPSQUEAK?

YES...

LET'S GET DANGEROUS.

THIS TOWN'S NOT BIG ENOUGH
FOR THE BOTH OF US.

DID I SAY TOWN?
MAKE THAT PLANET.

LOOK!
A FALLING STAR!

HA! YOU CAN'T
FOOL ME.

IT'S OUT OF JUICE.

I HATE IT
WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

NEXT TIME, I LOOK
FOR THE UNION LABEL.

IT WORKS!

READY TO HAVE YOUR
STRENGTH SUCKED FROM
YOUR BODY, DARKWING?

UH...NO. NO.
NOT REALLY.

OOH! EEE! AAH! OW!

QUIT, WILL YOU?

OOH! OW!

YEOW!

DARKWING!

HELP!

AN EFFECTIVE VILLAIN
NEVER SHOWS MERCY,

WHICH IS WHY
I'M A SUPERHERO.

LOOK AT THIS CAPE.

IS THERE A BIG AND TALL
OUTLET HERE?