Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 27 - Smarter Than a Speeding Bullet - full transcript

♪ DARING DUCK OF MYSTERY ♪

♪ CHAMPION OF RIGHT ♪

♪ SWOOPS OUT
OF THE SHADOWS ♪

♪ DARKWING OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE
SOME VILLAIN SCHEMES ♪

♪ BUT HIS NUMBER'S UP ♪

3, 2, 1!

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS.



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

DARKWING, DARKWING DUCK!

♪ A CLOUD OF SMOKE
AND HE APPEARS ♪

♪ THE MASTER OF SURPRISE ♪

♪ WHO'S THAT CUNNING
MIND BEHIND ♪

♪ THE SHADOWY DISGUISE ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE ♪

♪ THE BAD GUYS
ARE OUT OF LUCK ♪

♪ HERE COMES ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LOOK OUT!

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS!



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BAD BOYS ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪♪

AH, AGENT STEELBEAK.

WHAT HAVE YOU
TO REPORT?

HIGH COMMAND,
HOW YOU DOING?

WE'RE IN THE QUACKERY
RUBBER DUCK WAREHOUSE
HUSTLING UP DUCKIES.

CARRY ON.

GOTCHA. AGENT STEELBEAK
OVER AND OUT.

[SQUEAK]

YOU'RE OUT,
ALL RIGHT--
OUT OF LUCK!

LOOK WHAT THE CAT
DRAGGED IN--
DIMWIT DUCK.

VERY CLEVER. NOW,
SUBMIT OR SUCK GAS!

[SQUEAK SQUEAK]

[SQUEAK SQUEAK]

GREETINGS, LIFE FORMS.
TAKE ME TO YOUR CHAMPION.

[SQUEAK]

AHEM.

♪ AHA ♪

GREETINGS.
UH...HA HA HA.

UH...

TAKE ME
TO YOUR CHAMPION.

OH, PRETTY NEAT
COSTUME, EH, D.W.?

UM, EXCUSE ME,
BIZARRE-LOOKING
ALIEN MONSTROSITY...

WE'LL CRUSH
THESE CRIMINALS
AND BE WITH YOU.

CRIMINALS?

♪ AHA ♪

I AM A CRIME FIGHTER
MYSELF.

I AM COMET GUY,

CHAMPION
OF THE PLANET NERTZ!

LET ME ASSIST YOU
IN FOILING THESE SCOFFLAWS.

GET READY, EVIL-DOERS...

IT'S COMET TIME!

OOPSY.

GOOD THING
THERE'S A FIRE ALARM,
HUH, D.W.?

[ALARM RINGS]

YEAH. REAL GOOD.

UH...UHHH...OH...

TH-TH-THAT--THAT SOUND!

MY ONE WEAKNESS!

Y-Y-Y-Y-Y!

OH! OH! OH!

IT MAKES ME--

IT MAKES ME...

[CHOKE]

DANCE.

HMM. INTERESTING.

I MEAN,
USUALLY SUPERHEROES
ARE SO RESERVED.

HA HA HA HA.
SOME CRIME FIGHTER.

AAH!

I'M SOILED! WE GOT
TO GET THIS SUIT

TO THE DRY CLEANERS
FAST!

NOT SO FAST,
STEELBEAK.
YOU CAN--AAH!

OW! EASY THERE,
BIG FELLA.

VIRTUE TRIUMPHS AGAIN.

OH, NO.

YEOW!

WHY, YOU...

[TOOT]

OOPSY.

I GUESS I SHOULD'VE
WARNED YOU...

BELLS MAKE ME
START DANCING

UNTIL I HEAR
A WHISTLE.

THANKS FOR SHARING.

WELL, BOYS,
I THINK WE'VE HAD

OUR COMEDY RELIEF
FOR TODAY.

NOW, LISTEN, BUB--

YOU'VE JUST ENABLED
AN ENVOY OF EVIL

TO ESCAPE WITH POTENTIALLY
PERILOUS RUBBER DUCKIES.

WHAT KIND OF
CRIME FIGHTER ARE YOU?

BOO HOO HOO!
A LOUSY ONE.

HOO HOO HOO.

I'M THE WORST
CHAMPION

THE PLANET NERTZ
HAS EVER HAD.
BOO HOO HOO!

THAT'S WHY THEY
SENT ME HERE.

I'M SUPPOSED
TO STUDY WITH THIS
PLANET'S CHAMPION,

A CRIME FIGHTER
RENOWN THROUGHOUT
THE GALAXY.

YEAH, WELL,
SEEK NO FURTHER,

PECULIAR-LOOKING THING
FROM ANOTHER WORLD,

FOR I AM HE.

[BLOWS NOSE]

♪ AHA ♪

WHEN CAN WE
START TRAINING?

NOW. IF YOU'RE
NOT TRAINED SOON,

THERE'LL BE NO CITY
TO PROTECT.

THERE SURE ISN'T
MUCH DAMAGE

HE CAN DO HERE.

THERE ISN'T MUCH
TO TRAIN WITH EITHER.

THAT'S WHERE
YOU'RE WRONG,
COMET GUY.

IT'S REALLY A SECRET
SHUSH TRAINING CAMP.

SHUSH?

IT'S YOUR BASIC
SUPERSECRET
INTERNATIONAL

ESPIONAGE AGENCY.

WRONG CACTUS.

WOW!
WHAT WILL THEY
THINK OF NEXT?

LET'S START
YOUR TRAINING

WITH SOME PHYSICAL
CONDITIONING.

YOU JUST SWING ACROSS
LIKE...THIS.

CAN YOU MANAGE THAT?

WHY NOT
WALK ACROSS?

BECAUSE YOU'D GET WET,
SEE?

NO. I MEAN WALK
ON THE WATER.

YOU CAN WALK
ON WATER?

SURE.
I JUST FREEZE IT WITH
MY ICY COMET VISION.

♪ AHA ♪

HEY, PRETTY NIFTY TRICK,
EH, D.W.?

D.W.!

OOPSY.

LET'S TRY
A SIMPLE LITTLE
ROPE CLIMB,

SHALL WE?

EASY. NO FIRES,
NO TORNADOES, NO ICE.

EASY ON THE CATASTROPHE.

O.K.? UNDERSTAND?
COMPRENDO? CAPISCE?

I PROMISE.
ABSOLUTELY NO
CAPISCING.

OOPSY.

I CAN'T EVEN CLIMB
A ROPE RIGHT.

I'M WORTHLESS!

A ZERO!
A WASHOUT!

HEY,
TAKE IT EASY,
BIG GUY.

CHAMPIONS
NEVER GIVE UP.
RIGHT, D.W.?

RIGHT.

ALTHOUGH
THERE MAY BE TIMES
WHEN HE CONSIDERS IT.

SO, THIS IS
WHAT PATROL IS,

FLYING AROUND
LOOKING FOR TROUBLE, HUH?

ON MY PLANET,
CROOKS DO THAT.

HOO! HOO!

MY COMET SENSE
HAS PICKED UP
A CRIME IN PROGRESS

RIGHT DOWN THERE.

LAUNCHPAD,
TAKE HER DOWN.

LOOK.
IT'S THAT ROUND TANK.

[DARKWING]
STEELBEAK AGAIN.

TIME FOR
A CRIME-FIGHTING LESSON.

L.P., WAIT OUTSIDE
AND STOP ESCAPING
EGGMEN.

COMET GUY,
STICK WITH ME
AND DO AS I DO.

FALCONMAN, WE'RE IN
BOB'S OFFICE SUPPLY

NABBING ALL THE ERASERS
AND RUBBER BANDS
AS ORDERED.

OVER AND OUT OF HERE.

BOYS,
MAKE IT SNAPPY.

THE ONLY THING
THAT'S GOING TO SNAP

IS THE TWISTED FRAMEWORK
OF YOUR EVIL PLOT.

PSST. HOW AM I DOING
SO FAR?

GET HIM, BOYS.

ALL RIGHT,
PUT UP YOUR HANDS.

WHA!

AAH!

YOU ARE HOPELESS!

I COULDN'T TEACH YOU
TO BE A DOORSTOP!

YOU'RE THROUGH,
FINITO, KAPUTSKI.

WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

JUST GO HOME!
LEAVE ME ALONE!

YOU FLUNKED OUT!

BUT NOW
WHAT'LL I DO?

[MOANING]

BOO HOO HOO!

THERE MUST BE SOMEONE
WHO CAN TRAIN ME TO BE...

A CHAMPION!
BOO HOO.

HMM.

I CAN'T GO HOME
AS A FLUNKY.

I MUST WANDER
THE UNIVERSE FOREVER,
ALONE AND UNTRAINED.

PERHAPS I CAN BE
OF SOME ASSISTANCE.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M...UH,
I'M--OH, YEAH, YEAH,

UH, STEELWING CLUCK,
CAPED CRUNCHER
OF CROOKS

AND
CHAMPION TRAINER
EXTRAORDINAIRE.

HO HO!
A CHAMPION TRAINER?

WHAT A LUCKY COINCIDENCE.

COULD YOU TRAIN ME?

PALLY,
YOU GOT A DEAL.

HEH HEH HEH
HEH HEH HEH!

NOW, YOU SEE
THAT BIG METAL VAT?

IT'S FULL
OF MELTED RUBBER.

UH, RIGHT.

WELL, YOU HEARD OF
PLASTIC EXPLOSIVES,
RIGHT?

O.K., THIS IS
RUBBER EXPLOSIVES.

SURE. WE GOT TO
RETURN IT
TO MY HIDEOUT.

AND DEFUSE IT.

OKEY-DOKE.

[RATTLE]

COMET GUY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, HELLO,
FORMER TRAINER.

HMM. PARTY CRASHERS.

PLAN "B,"
JUST LIKE I TOLD YOUSE.

WHO'S THE JOKER
IN THE TIN HAT?

THIS IS MY NEW TRAINER
STEELWING CLUCK.

STEELWING CLUCK?

HOLD THE PHONE.
THAT'S STEELBEAK.

PAY NO ATTENTION.
HE'S AN ANDROID
DUPLICATE.

AAH!
AAH!
AAH!

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
YOU WEREN'T THE REAL
DARKWING DUCK.

JUST LOOK
AT THAT PHONY BEAK.

BUT IT'S MY BEAK.

[SNAP]

LAUNCHPAD,
TELL HIM I'M ME.

I DON'T KNOW.
THEY ALL
LOOK LIKE YOU.

SHAME FOR POSING
AS A CRIME FIGHTER.

YOU SHOULD TEACH
THESE ANDROIDS A LESSON

ABOUT IMITATING HEROES, HUH?

STARTING WITH THIS ONE.

[GULP COUGH]
COMET GUY...

IT'S ME, THE TERROR
THAT FLAPS.

HELLO.

THAT'LL TEACH YOU
TO LOOK LIKE
DARKWING DUCK.

NOW LET'S GET
THESE EXPLOSIVES BACK.

♪ AHA ♪

ONWARD!

HEY, WHAT ABOUT

THE REST OF
THESE ANDROIDS?

ALL RIGHT, YOU!
TAKE OFF THAT MASK.

OW!

LAUNCHPAD,
IT'S ME!

[TRAIN WHISTLE]

OOPSY!

NOW HOW ARE WE
GOING TO FIND STEELBEAK?

WE COULD FOLLOW
THIS LATEX

THAT LEAKED
OUT OF THE TANK.

UNLESS
WE FOLLOW THIS LATEX
THAT LEAKED OUT.

WHOA! THAT GUY'S AMAZING.

UH, EXCUSE ME,
PROFESSOR STEELWING.

NOT THAT
I DON'T TRUST YOU,

BUT IS THIS HOW
YOU DEFUSE EXPLOSIVES?

OH, SURE.
IT'S WHAT YOU CALL
YOUR...

UH, UH, MELTDOWN
PROCEDURE.

O.K., BOYS,
IT'S, UH, DEFUSED.

AS SOON AS
THAT COOLS OFF,

I'VE GOT A SURPRISE
FOR YOU.

HO HO!
I LOVE SURPRISES!

SURPRISE!

BEHOLD!
ONE FELONIOUS FAKE!

GASP!
I'VE BEEN DUPED!

WHY, YOU!

I OUGHT TO PINCH
YOUR HEAD FLAT.

GO AHEAD. TRY.

[DING
DING DING]

HARRRAR.
RRRAR. RRRAR.

OH, NO!

TH-TH-THAT SOUND!

[BALLET MUSIC PLAYS]

[WHISTLE]

[DING
DING DING]

[FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS]

[WHISTLES]

[DING
DING DING]

[CAN-CAN MUSIC PLAYS]

[WHISTLE]

[DING
DING DING]

[SAMBA MUSIC PLAYS]

FORTUNATELY,
I WAS PREPARED
FOR THIS EVENTUALITY.

FACE THE WRATH OF...
THE LEMON LAUNCHER.

[DING DING
DING DING]

[TAP MUSIC PLAYS]

OH, YOU!
ALL RIGHT,
NOW I'M MAD.

BEFORE MY EGGMEN
SLICE AND DICE YOU
INTO TINY CHUNKS,

HERE'S A WORD
FROM MY SPONSORS.

GREETINGS, DARKWING.
WE OF THE F.O.W.L.
HIGH COMMAND

WOULD LIKE
TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO OUR LATEST WEAPON--

THE F.O.W.L. BALL.

60 TONS
OF SOLID RUBBER

WITH A REMOTE CONTROL.

AGENT STEELBEAK,
YOU MUST DESTROY
THE CITY.

ONCE THE WORLD
WITNESSES

THE MIGHT
OF A F.O.W.L. BALL,

IT WILL FALL
LIKE OVERRIPE FRUIT.

I'M GONE!

TAKE OFF THAT TOWEL.

YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY
WITH THIS.

HA HA HA HA!

WRONGO, DWEEBWING.

BOYS, GRIND THEM
INTO DUCKBURGERS.

HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA!

SLICE AND DICE, MEN.
SLICE AND DICE.

[GULP]
[GULP]

DUH, UM,
SHOULD WE SLICE THEM
AND THEN DICE THEM

OR DICE THEM
AND THEN SLICE THEM?

WHATEVER YOU DO,
JUST PLEASE, PLEASE,

DON'T SMOTHER US
IN MOLTEN RUBBER.

[MUMBLING]

O.K.!
MOLTEN RUBBER
IT IS THEN.

TURN ON THE HEAT.

[WHISTLES]

♪ AHA ♪

OH, HO!
WHERE'S THE BELL?

OOH!

AAH!

OH!

YOU CAN'T MAKE
AN OMELET

WITHOUT POUNDING
THE DAYLIGHTS
OUT OF A FEW EGGS.

COMET GUY, IT'S TIME
FOR YOUR FINAL EXAM.

O.K., ST. CANARD,
IT'S TIME
TO PLAY BALL.

[CRASH]

[CRUSH]

[CRUNCH]

COMET GUY,
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
WHO CAN STOP THAT BALL.

I FLUNKED OUT, REMEMBER?
I'M HOPELESS.

PHOOEY!
A CHAMPION
NEVER GIVES UP.

YOU GAVE UP
ON ME.

WELL, UH,
HE'S GOT YOU THERE,
D.W.

WELL...YEAH.

AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.

GOOD POINT.

QUITE.

[SMASH]

USE YOUR COMET VISION.

♪ AHA ♪

HEY, I DID IT!
HA HA!

THE BAD GUYS
ARE GETTING AWAY.

THROW THIS
TO THE HELICOPTER.

CLIMB IT
LIKE THE TOWER.

TURN A WEAKNESS
INTO A STRENGTH.

OW, AW, OH, OH.

♪ AHA ♪

WE HAVE YOU NOW,
NOT-SO-NICE PERSON.

GUESS AGAIN,
COMATOSE GUY.

[BONG]

MIDNIGHT.

OOPSY.

N-N-N-N.

HA-BA-BA.
THAT--THAT SOUND!

[BONG]

AH GA GA GA GA.

NEVER GIVE UP,
REMEMBER!

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

H-H-HEY, B-BUDDY,
BACK OFF.

NYAH-AH-AH-AH.

NYAH-AH-AH!

AAH!

WHOA!

[Whistles]

♪ AHA ♪

♪ HA CHA CHA ♪

♪ DOO BEE
DOO BEE DO ♪

♪ A-DOO BA
DOO BA DOO BA ♪

♪ HA CHA CHA CHA CHA ♪

♪ A-BOM BOM ♪

♪ EE-YOOP DOOP
DOOP JA-BAH ♪

♪ EE-YAH DA
JOO BAH... ♪♪

YOU CAN STOP DANCING
NOW, LAUNCHPAD.

HMM?
OH, SURE THING, D.W.

AND SO, IN RECOGNITION
OF YOUR BOUNDLESS
FORTITUDE AND DEXTERITY

IN SAVING ST. CANARD
FROM DEVASTATION,

I, DARKWING DUCK,

AM PLEASED
TO CONFER UPON YOU

THE COVETED DEGREE

OF DOCTOR
OF CHAMPIONOLOGY.

HO HO!
I'M SO PROUD.

A DIPLOMA FROM
THE FAMOUS CHAMPION

OF THE PLANET FLOOG.

FLOOG?

THIS ISN'T
THE PLANET FLOOG.

IT ISN'T?

I KNEW
I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN

THAT LEFT TURN
AT ANDROMEDA.

WELL,
PROFESSOR DARKWING,

NOT THAT I DON'T
APPRECIATE IT,

BUT I'VE GOT TO GET
TO FLOOG IN A HURRY.

WHOA!

OOPSY.

♪ HO-HO ♪
♪ HO-HO ♪