Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 26 - Cleanliness Is Next to Badliness - full transcript

♪ DARING DUCK OF MYSTERY ♪

♪ CHAMPION OF RIGHT ♪

♪ SWOOPS OUT
OF THE SHADOWS ♪

♪ DARKWING OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE
SOME VILLAIN SCHEMES ♪

♪ BUT HIS NUMBER'S UP ♪

3, 2, 1!

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS.



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

DARKWING, DARKWING DUCK!

♪ A CLOUD OF SMOKE
AND HE APPEARS ♪

♪ THE MASTER OF SURPRISE ♪

♪ WHO'S THAT CUNNING
MIND BEHIND ♪

♪ THE SHADOWY DISGUISE ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE ♪

♪ THE BAD GUYS
ARE OUT OF LUCK ♪

♪ HERE COMES ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LOOK OUT!

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS!



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BAD BOYS ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪♪

OK, SO I HAVEN'T DATED
YOU FOR A FEW WEEKS,

HEY, I'M THE CHIEF
AGENT OF F.O.W.L.--

FIENDISH ORGANIZATION
FOR WORLD LARCENY.

BE PATIENT, BABE.
THINGS COME UP.

CHIEF AGENT STEELBEAK.

WHOA! HIGH COMMAND,
ALWAYS A PLEASURE.

SKIP IT.
F.O.W.L. NEEDS MONEY.

WELL, THINGS ARE
TOUGH ALL OVER.

YOU MUST QUICKLY PULL OFF
SEVERAL BANK HEISTS.

I DON'T DO BANK HEISTS.
I'M A MASTER CRIMINAL.

THEN THERE MAY BE
CERTAIN SALARY CUTBACKS.

OH, BANK HEISTS.
I DO THEM ALL THE TIME.

TALK ABOUT BAD MOODS.

ME ROB BANKS?
HA! THAT'S AN INSULT.

HEY, I'LL JUST SAY NO.

WHAT CAN HIGH COMMAND
DO TO ME?

THEY DID FEED
YOUR PREDECESSOR

THROUGH SIX
TRASH COMPACTORS.

YOU TALKED ME INTO IT.

BUT I'LL NEED SOMEONE
WITH A SMALLER MIND.

HEY, AGENT AMMONIA PINE!

LONG TIME, AMMONIA.
YOU BUSY?

WHAT, NOW?
I'M CLEANING!

LISTEN, BABE.
IT JUST SO HAPPENS

I GOT THIS UGLY STAIN
I CAN'T GET OUT.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WHERE'S
THAT UGLY STAIN?

LET ME AT IT.

AMMONIA, UH,
THESE ARE FOR YOU.

FOR ME?
A BIT DUSTY.

AMMONIA BABE, HEY,
COOL THE CLEANSER.

LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU AND ME
AND SOME VERY DIRTY BANKS.

YOU KNOW,
I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED YOU.

YOU...HAVE?

YOU HAVE TO THINK
OF OUR FUTURE, HONK.

T-SHIRTS, POSTERS,
ACTION FIGURES--

BOUGHT BY
THE PERFECT GUY FAN CLUB.

WE COULD MAKE A KILLING

WITH A DARKWING DUCK
FAN CLUB.

STILL CLEANING UP
THIS FIRE TRAP?

DAD, DARKWING DUCK
NEEDS A FAN CLUB.

A FAN CLUB?

HERE'S A ROUGH
PROTOTYPE.

WE'LL RAKE IN
THE BUCKS.

GEE, YOU GOT
MY GOOD SIDE, TOO.

I DON'T KNOW,
GOSALYN.

I'M A MYSTERIOUS HERO,

THE TERROR
THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT.

YOU'RE THE BEST, POP.

ISN'T IT TIME
PEOPLE RECOGNIZED IT?

YOU DO HAVE
A POINT THERE.

I'LL THINK
ABOUT IT.

IT'S THE FLASHQUACK,

WITH A SECRET MESSAGE
FROM J. GANDER HOOTER.

SEE? PEOPLE PAY
GOOD MONEY

FOR SUCH STUFF.

"LAST NIGHT SEVERAL BANKS
KNOCKED OVER--
BURGLARIZED."

SOUNDS LIKE A JOB
FOR DARKWING DUCK!

GREAT! WHAT ARE WE
WAITING FOR?

WE'RE NOT GOING
ANYWHERE, YOUNG LADY.

YOU'RE STAYING HERE
TO CLEAN UP THIS MESS!

OK. YOU GO ON AHEAD.

HONK, WE'VE GOT
CORPORATE STRATEGIC
PLANNING TO DO.

LOOKS EMPTY.

HOW COULD A BUILDING GET
KNOCKED OVER AND EMPTIED

WITHOUT WAKING
THE WHOLE CITY?

GATHER ROUND!
WATCH HIM WORK!

WHAT?

Already? I said
I'd think about it.

Come on,
your public awaits.

O.k. I'll wing it.

NOTICE, YOUNGSTERS,

THIS BANK IS LAYING
ON ITS SIDE.

THIS GUY'S
A REGULAR
SHERLOCK HOLMES.

WHAT CAN BE DEDUCED

IS THAT IT WOULD TAKE
AN ARMY TO MOVE THIS.

YIKES! COME BACK!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

YIKES!

[SHIVERS]

FOR MY NEXT TRICK...

HE'S NO SUPER HERO.

THAT'S FOR SURE.

GIVE HIM TIME.

DARKWING DUCK'S
JUST WARMING UP.

WHAT?

A SOAPY BANK ROBBERY?

THIS MUST BE THE WORK
OF ONE DISINFECTED VILLAIN--

AMMONIA PINE,
AGENT OF F.O.W.L.

THIS CONCLUDES
TODAY'S
DEMONSTRATION.

SIGN UP NOW
FOR DARKWING'S
NEXT PERFORMANCE.

TICKETS ARE
GOING FAST.

AMMONIA, THE WAY
YOU HANDLE SUDS,

IT IS A THING OF BEAUTY.

WELL, HERE WE ARE.

ANOTHER BANK
TO CLEAN UP AND OUT.

A WAY WITH WORDS--
THE SIGN OF A QUICK MIND.

MAKE THAT A CLEAN MIND.

LET HER RIP, STEELIE.

YOU GOT IT,
LEMON FRESH.

WHOA-HO!

SUDS, DO YOUR STUFF!

PERFECT LANDING.

HIT THE SUMP PUMP, HON.

OH, MAN, LOOK AT ALL
THIS CURRENCY.

HEY, WE'RE A TEAM,
AMMONIA,

LIKE SOAP AND WATER.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

AMMONIA PINE'S SELDOM
THIS AMBITIOUS...

UNLESS SHE WORKS
WITH A PARTNER.

GOS, WHY DON'T
YOU WATCH WHERE--

GOSALYN, DOES THE TERM
"SECRET AGENT" MEAN
ANYTHING TO YOU?

RELAX. WE'VE GOT
IT COVERED.

LOOK IT.
WOW.

D.W., LET'S SEE
SOME ACTION.

OH, SHUCKS.

I DON'T USUALLY
DO FAN DEMONSTRATIONS,

BUT UNDER
THE CIRCUMSTANCES...

OOH.
OOH.
OOH.

AH!
AH!
AH!

LAUNCHPAD WILL ASSIST

IN THE DEMONSTRATION'S
NEXT PHASE.

NOW, TRY TO IMAGINE
LAUNCHPAD HERE

IS A BRAINLESS THUG.

IT'S A STRETCH.

HIYAH!

WHAT A SHOW.

HIYAH!

NO NOTES HERE,

BUT YOU'LL FIND THEM

IN THEDARKWING DUCK
CRIME FIGHTING DIARY.

ONLY 12.95.

ALL RIGHT!

HOMEMADE CAPES?
EW!

BEHOLD,
THE DARKWING DUCK
OFFICIAL CAPE

IS MUCH MORE
AERODYNAMIC,

AND IT'S WRINKLE
RESISTANT.
ONLY 15.50.

NEAT-O.

THIS FAN CLUB REALLY
HELPS MY IMAGE.

GOOD JOB, GOS.

GOSALYN, BABE,
I'VE BEEN THINKING.

THERE'S MARKETS
WE HAVEN'T TOUCHED--

DIRECT MAIL,
RADIO SPOTS...

WHAT ABOUT CEREAL BOXES?

NOTE TO MYSELF.

DARKWING DECODERS
IN EVERY BOX.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

IT'S FOR YOU.

30 SECONDS, D.W.

OH, ENOUGH TALK.

I'M ON.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

IT GIVES ME PLEASURE
TO INTRODUCE TO YOU

THE HARDEST WORKING DUCK
IN CRIME FIGHTING...

THE STAR...

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR DARKWING DUCK.

I AM THE TERROR

THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT.

I AM THE RHINESTONES
ON THE JUMP SUIT OF JUSTICE.

I AM DARKWING DUCK!

ARE YOU READY?

YES!

THEN LET'S...GET...

DANGEROUS.

WAYNE NEWTON,
EAT YOUR HEART OUT.

AND I JUST FINISHED
THIS GREAT BOOK.

A STUDY COMPARING POWDERED
AND LIQUID BLEACH.

WHAT A PAGE TURNER.

YOU GOT TO READ IT.

JUST A FEW MORE BANKS.

[CHEERING]

WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET?

BEATS ME, HON.

LOOKS LIKE MEGAVOLT'S
HAVING A BLOCK PARTY.

FINALLY, SOMEONE
I CAN WASTE.

NOW DARKWING DUCK
WILL DAZZLINGLY DEMONSTRATE

HIS LIGHTENING QUICK
REFLEXES.

WATCH AS I--

HEY, THAT LAST BIT
ISN'T IN THE SCRIPT.

NO WONDER. LOOK,
IT'S AMMONIA PINE
AND STEELBEAK.

WHY CAN'T YOU FIND
SOAP THIS GOOD

IN A PUBLIC REST ROOM?

WATCH CLOSELY, FANS,
AS D.W. PUTS AWAY

THE BAD GUYS...

I HOPE.

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

LET'S GET OUR DUCKS
IN LINE HERE.

FINISHING YOU TWO OFF'S
REAL ENTERTAINMENT.

TOO BAD I CAN ONLY
DO IT ONCE.

YOU'RE UPSIDE DOWN
AND AGAINST IT,
STAIN BRAIN.

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS
WHAT THEY SEEM,
MOP TOP.

MY GAS SHOULD
RENDER THIS TRASH
WASHED UP, L.P.

STAND BACK!
I'M GOING DOWN
SWINGING.

PLEASE!

CAN'T YOU ACCEPT
DEFEAT GRACEFULLY?

LUCKY PUNCH.

LAUNCHPAD, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?

CRASHING JUST COMES
NATURALLY TO ME.

LET'S FINISH THEM OFF.

NO! NO, YOU'LL
GET IN THE WAY.

L.P., LET'S
FERTILIZE THIS
OVERGROWN BUBBLE-BLOWER.

DARKWING!
DARKWING!

HEH HEH!
THEY LOVE ME.

LET'S CLEAN HOUSE,
EH, STEELY?

SHE HOGS
ALL THE ACTION.

LET'S JUST
FINISH HIM OFF.

[SNORT SNORT]

FERTILIZER!

DIRT! FILTH!

AAH!

I MUST CLEAN!

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

HEY, WATCH IT!

OOH!

HEY!

TIME TO SLIP AND SLIDE,
SLUDGE FACE.

OH, NO!

NO SOAP!

PEEL OUT,
AMMONIA!

BUT THERE'S STILL
FERTILIZER ON THE GROUND.

WE'LL COME BACK LATER.
JUST GO!

D.W. SURE SHOWED
THOSE VILLAINS,
RIGHT, GOSALYN?

YEAH, SURE DID.

WHEN YOU JOIN
THE DARKWING FAN CLUB...

I'VE BEEN THINKING.

LET'S DISSOLVE
THE DARKWING FAN CLUB.

VERY FUNNY.

IT WOULD LET YOU
CONCENTRATE ON
FIGHTING CRIME.

THIS FAN CLUB
IS A BIG HELP.

IT'S AN OVERDUE TRIBUTE
TO MY CRIME-FIGHTING
ABILITY.

YOU WERE SO CAUGHT UP
SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS,

YOU COULD HAVE
BEEN KILLED TODAY.

RISK IS DARKWING DUCK'S
MIDDLE NAME.

I'M TALKING ABOUT GETTING
YOUR TAIL FEATHERS KICKED.

I'LL RUN THE FAN CLUB.

YOU STAY HOME
AND CONCENTRATE ON
CLEANING YOUR ROOM.

MY NEXT BRIGHT IDEA,
I'LL KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.

NOW THE ACTION PART
OF THE PROGRAM.

YOU'LL LEARN TO CATCH CROOKS
DARKWING DUCK STYLE.

GETTING THIS ALL DOWN?

YES, SIR.

LOOK, D.W.,
STEELBEAK.

EVERYBODY, KEEP QUIET
AND WATCH A MASTER AT WORK.

2...4...6...8!

WHO DO WE APPRECIATE?

DARKWING!

DARKWING!

DARKWING DUCK!

SHH!

PSST! GUYS, YOU GOT TO
BE MORE QUIET.

THOSE KIDS DESERVE
A DARKWING DUCK
BIG ENTRANCE.

I'LL HANDLE THIS ALONE.

I AM THE TERROR
THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT.

I'M THE STAIN THAT
CAN'T BE RUBBED OUT.

WHAT A SURPRISE!
I GUESS YOU GOT ME.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
DARKWING DO-NOTHING.

NICE WORK, D.W.

YAY!
HOORAY!

HAVEN'T LOST MY TOUCH.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED
TO AMMONIA--

GOOD WORK. YOU
LULLED THEM TO SLEEP,
BABY BEAK.

REEL 'EM IN, STEELY!

AAH!
AAH!
AAH!

ALL RIGHT. LISTEN UP,
DARKWING DOPE.

YOU HAVE ENOUGH BRAINS
TO KNOW TO STAY AWAY

FROM AMMONIA AND ME

OR ELSE YOUR KIDS
ARE GOING TO GET IT.

GET IT?

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

F.O.W.L. CAN AFFORD
A FLEET OF THESE VEHICLES

WITH ALL THE LOOT
WE'RE STEALING.

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR
THE RIGHT MOMENT TO ASK--

I--WELL, I'LL JUST SAY IT.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?

YEAH, RIGHT.

I'M JUST SO...
MOVED.

[SNICKERS]

LET'S WAIT UNTIL
OUR CRIME WAVE IS OVER.

THEN WE CAN HAVE
QUIET TIME TO TALK.

MESS MONITOR
RED ALERT!

THERE'S A FILTHY
MESS AROUND HERE.

LET'S GO!

NOT AGAIN.

SOME SLOVENLY JERK'S LEFT
CHEWING GUM ON THIS BENCH.

SHH!

OHH!
FILTH OBLITERATED!

I SHOULD HAVE
DISSOLVED THE FAN CLUB.

IT'S MY FAULT
THE KIDS ARE GONE.

YOU MUST FEEL ROTTEN.

WHY, THANK YOU
FOR BEING SO
UNDERSTANDING.

I SAY
WE TAKE THEM OUT.

BUT HONKER AND THE KIDS
WILL GET WALLOPED IF WE DO.

OHH!

WE'RE GOING AFTER THEM.

DARKWING DOESN'T KNOW
THE MEANING OF DEFEAT.

I KNOW WHO'S GETTING
A DICTIONARY.

STEELBEAK
AND AMMONIA PINE
SOAPED YOUR DAD,

THEN KIDNAPPED
THE KIDS.

I ESCAPED WHEN
AMMONIA'S MESS
MONITOR BEEPED.

WE'VE GOT TO SAVE THEM.
HER WHAT?

AMMONIA'S GOT RADAR
THAT BEEPS

WHEN IT MONITORS
A MESS.

IF THERE'S MESS TO BE
MADE, I CAN MAKE IT.

I'LL BAKE A CAKE LIKE I
DID FOR POP'S BIRTHDAY.

LET'S SEE THEM
SUCK UP THIS.

GOSALYN, YOU'RE TRASHING
YOUR OWN HOUSE.

TO SAVE THOSE KIDS,
HONK.

KNOW ANOTHER WAY
TO GET THEM HERE?

LET'S HIT YOUR DAD'S ROOM.

BET YOU NEVER KNEW
GARBAGE DISPOSAL HISTORY

WAS SO FASCINATING.

HMM? OH, YEAH.
CAPTIVATING.

GREETINGS,
AGENT STEELBEAK.

HELLO. YOU GET
THE LAST DEPOSIT?

EXCELLENT. THANKS TO YOU,

F.O.W.L.'S BACK TO
A FULL SCHEDULE

OF CRIMINAL ACTIVITY.

NO PROBLEMO.
WE'LL KNOCK OVER
THIS LAST BANK--

AGENT PINE'S REPORTED HOW
YOU LIKE BEING A TEAM.

REALLY?

GIVEN YOUR SUCCESS,

WE'RE CONSIDERING PUTTING
YOU TOGETHER INDEFINITELY.

HIGH COMMAND OUT.

B-B-B--

CONGRATULATIONS, HON.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

NO PLACE, AMMONIA.
NEITHER ARE YOU.

I AM THE TERROR
THAT FLAPS--

JEOPARDIZING MY POSITION
WITH F.O.W.L.'S NOT ENOUGH.

SHE HOGS THE FUN, TOO.

MY MESS MONITOR!

OHH, THIS IS
THE BIG ONE!

ALWAYS KNEW YOU
WERE CHICKEN,
STEELBEAK.

HEY, FOR THE FIRST TIME,
I LIKE THIS SOAP.

HANG ON, D.W.!

THE FILTHY MESS
IS IN THAT HOUSE
RIGHT THERE!

ALL RIGHT! LET'S
GIVE THESE SOAP SUDS

A RUN FOR THEIR
MONEY.

GOOD WORK, L.P.
LET'S GET DANGEROUS.

WE'RE WASTING TIME.
IT'S CLEAN ENOUGH
ALREADY.

CLEAN ENOUGH! HA HA!

LEAVE THE CLEANING
TO ME, STEELY.

POURING WACKY GLUE
OVER THE FOUNDATION

WAS A SMOOTH MOVE.

HANG ON!

GIVE UP YET,
CHROME LIPS?

NOT YOU AGAIN.

FOUL PUNCH.
I DEMAND A REMATCH.

WE COULD HAVE LEFT
IN PLENTY OF TIME,

BUT, NO, NOT YOU.

YOU HAD TO INDULGE
A MORONIC OBSESSION
WITH CLEANING!

DOES THAT MEAN YOU
DON'T WANT TO MARRY ME?

I DON'T WANT
TO LIVE ON THE
SAME CONTINENT!

HEY, GET THIS,
AMMONIA--

I KIND OF LIKE DIRT!

HA HA HA HA HA!

AAH! STOP IT!

MUD, MUD, DIRT, FILTH.
GIVE IT TO ME.

I GOT TO HAVE IT ALL.
I LOVE DIRT!

HEY, WHO DO WE SEE
ABOUT A FULL REFUND?

THAT'S IT, TRASH BAG.

NOBODY DUMPS ME.

I'M REPORTING YOU
TO HIGH COMMAND.

I HATE TO INTERRUPT
YOUR DOMESTIC QUARREL,

BUT...

YOU WIN THIS ROUND,
DIRTWING.

AS FOR ME, I WASH
MY HANDS OF THIS
WHOLE AFFAIR.

WASHING! CLEANING!
SOAPING! DOING!

HA HA!

SEE WHAT A MESSY ROOM
CAN DO, DAD?

WELL, I'VE ALWAYS SAID

CRIME FIGHTING'S
A DIRTY JOB, KIDDO.