Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 19 - Days of Blunder - full transcript

♪ DARING DUCK OF MYSTERY ♪

♪ CHAMPION OF RIGHT ♪

♪ SWOOPS OUT
OF THE SHADOWS ♪

♪ DARKWING OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE
SOME VILLAIN SCHEMES ♪

♪ BUT HIS NUMBER'S UP ♪

3, 2, 1!

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS.



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

DARKWING, DARKWING DUCK!

♪ A CLOUD OF SMOKE
AND HE APPEARS ♪

♪ THE MASTER OF SURPRISE ♪

♪ WHO'S THAT CUNNING
MIND BEHIND ♪

♪ THE SHADOWY DISGUISE ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE ♪

♪ THE BAD GUYS
ARE OUT OF LUCK ♪

♪ HERE COMES ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LOOK OUT!

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS!



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BAD BOYS ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪♪

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WELCOME
TO STRANGLE-HOLD ARENA.

FOR THE WRESTLING EVENT
OF THE CENTURY!

YAY!
YAY!
YAY!

A CHARITY MATCH BETWEEN

THE DREADED
MASKED MANGLER

BOO!
BOO!
BOO!

AND...

THAT MYSTERIOUS
CRIME FIGHTER HIMSELF,

DARKWING...

DUCK.

WATCH YOURSELF, DAD.

MANGLER IS
THE TRANSCONTINENTAL,

INTER-GALACTIC,
WORLD TITLE HOLDER.

GOSALYN,
I THOUGHT YOU KNEW
WRESTLING WAS PHONY.

OF COURSE. THE FUN PART'S
PRETENDING IT ISN'T.

GIVE ME SOME CREDIT.

FAKE?
WRESTLING'S FAKE?

LET'S
GIVE THESE FOLKS
WHAT THEY PAID--

BHUHH!

[BOOING]

NOW I GET
TO WIN, RIGHT?

I'LL MAKE IT
LOOK CONVINCING.

EEYAH!

SHMUYAH HUNNYAH!

MAWHOOYAH!

WHOODAH!

EEYAH EEE EEYAH!
WHOOYAH!

HOYMAH!

WHOOPH!

EEYAH EEYAH
EEYAH...

EEYAH--PFHTT...

OOH NAH...

PAHH--OH, BOY...

YOU KNOW, A LITTLE
FALLING OVER

WOULD ADD TONS
OF CREDIBILITY
TO THIS.

[BOOING]

GIRAFFE.

BOY...

D.W. FAKES PAIN WELL.

BRUISES
ARE A NICE TOUCH.

I DON'T THINK
HE'S FAKING.

WE'VE GOT TO CREATE
A DIVERSION TO RESCUE HIM.

I'M LEAVING NOW.

DON'T ANYBODY
TRY TO STOP ME.

SOMEBODY'S ROBBING
THE PLACE.

THAT'S TOO OBVIOUS.

QUACKERJACK, TERRIBLE
TOYMASTER OF CRIME!

OCTOPUS.

ANY CHANCE
FOR ASSISTANCE?

SURE THING, D.W.

I'LL TAKE CARE
OF THE MANGLER.

I'LL TAKE THAT!

KEEP THIS BEHEMOTH BUSY
WHILE I COLLAR THE CROOK.

POODLE.

IT LOOKS LIKE
DARKWING DUCK

HAS TAGGED OFF TO, UH...

EEE--DUH...

[WHISPERING]

TO THE HUGELY MUSCLED...

HEAD-RIPPER?

[REVVING]

THE GAME'S OVER,
QUACKERJA...

AAAHH!

WHATEVER YOU SAY,
DARKWING.

[SCREECH]

IT'S AN INCREDIBLE
TURNAROUND, FOLKS!

[PANTING]
OH!

I GIVE UP!

OH, PLEASE,
LEAVE ME ALONE!

PLEASE,
ENOUGH ALREADY!

THE HUGELY MUSCLED
HEAD-RIPPER...

HAS MANGLER
IN A PINKYLOCK.

HELP! HE'S AFTER ME!

DON'T LET THAT
DEMENTED DUCK
GET ME!

QUIT YOUR COWARDLY
QUAKING, QUACKERJACK.

HAND OVER THAT MONEY!

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S
GOING ON HERE?

THIS MAN ROBBED
THE BOX OFFICE.

IT'S MONEY ALL RIGHT...

PLAY MONEY!

HEH?

IT LOOKS LIKE
DARKWING DUCK

HAS TRIED TO ARREST
AN INNOCENT CITIZEN

FOR STEALING
HIS OWN MONEY.

HA HA! AND THE MONEY
ISN'T EVEN REAL!

[JEERING]

POOR DAD.

BHAHH...

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHY WOULD QUACKERJACK
STEAL HIS FAKE MONEY?

PSST--
DARKWING DUCK.

IF YOU WANT TO GET
BACK AT QUACKERJACK,

HE'S GOING TO ROB
FIRST NATIONAL BANK

AND ELIMINATE WITNESSES

WITH A BOMB HIDDEN
IN A RUBBER CHICKEN.

BOMB IN A RUBBER CHICKEN?

HOW FOWL.

HOW DO YOU
KNOW, MR., UH...

THAT GUY SEEMED
PRETTY FLAKY.

SHOULD YOU
TRUST HIM?

FLAKY OR EXTRA CRISPY,
HE'S MY BEST CHANCE
TO GET EVEN.

HA HA HA!

OOO HA HA!

DON'T ANYBODY
TRY TO STOP ME!

I AM THE TERROR
THAT FLAPS
IN THE NIGHT...

THE $10
RETURNED CHECK
SERVICE CHARGE...

I AM DARKWING..

DUCK!

YOU'LL NEVER STOP ME
WHILE I HAVE THIS.

AAH!
THE RUBBER CHICKEN.

I'M NOT AFRAID
TO USE IT.

TAKE IT EASY THERE,
QUACKERJACKER.

JUST PUT
THE CHICKEN DOWN.

WELL, IF YOU INSIST.

HA HA HA.

LOOK OUT!

THIS CHICKEN COULD
EXPLODE ANY SECOND!

RUN! TAKE COVER!

I'M INSIDE THE FIRST
NATIONAL BANK,

WHERE
THE RUBBER CHICKEN CRISIS

HAS ENTERED IT'S 10TH
INCREDIBLY TEDIOUS HOUR.

DARKWING DUCK CONTINUES
TO CLING TO THE CHICKEN

REFUSING OFFERS
TO BE TAKEN HOME.

GOSALYN, LAUNCHPAD,
LEAVE HERE!

THIS COULD GO
ANY TIME!

NO! THIS IS--

THIS IS--IS NOT A...

BOMB, IS IT?

DON'T TAKE IT SO HARD.
IT'S AN HONEST MISTAKE.

YOU DIDN'T SPEND 10 HOURS
ON TOP OF A CHICKEN.

EXCUSE ME, MR. DARKWING.

MY NAME IS DR. LOON,
DR. LEOPOLD LOON.

I DON'T NEED A DOCTOR.

I NEED A MORTICIAN
TO BURY THE REMAINS

OF MY CAREER.

YOU IS A LITTLE
DISCOMBOBULATED,
THAT'S ALL.

YOU IS MAKING
ALL KINDS
OF WRONG DECISIONS

BECAUSE YOU IS
DOUBTING YOURSELF.

I'M IS--I AM?

NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

SEE ME
TOMORROW MORNING,

AND BY AFTERNOON
YOU'LL BE AS RIGHT
AS RAIN DROPPING.

HEH HEH HA!

YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO GO TO THAT GUY?

I DON'T KNOW
IF HE CAN HELP,

BUT HE CAN'T HURT.

I THINK YOU'LL FIND

MR. MEEKELS
AN INTERESTING
PSYCHO BUDDY.

JA!

I'M EXPERIENCING
A CAREER CRISIS, TOO.

THIS LITTLE TEST
WILL TELL ME

MORE ABOUT YOU THAN
YOUR MOTHER KNOWS.

WHICH WOULD YOU
WEAR TO WORK--

A--BLUE JEANS,

B--A SUIT,

C--A GAUDY
MASK AND CAPE.

NO HAT?

YOU AND A COWORKER
ARGUE OVER
PAPER CLIPS.

DO YOU--
A--PUNCH HIM,

B--COMPLAIN
TO YOUR BOSS,

OH, HERE WE GO!

C--HIDE
AND PRAY IT
BLOWS OVER.

WHAT DO YOU SEE
IN THIS PICTURE,
MR. DARKWING?

POWERFUL PROTAGONISTS
BATTLING OVER THE FATE
OF THE UNIVERSE.

MR. MEEKELS?

TWO SWANS DANCING.

AW, IT'S A LOVELY
PICTURE.

ISN'T IT?

I'LL HAVE TO ORDER
A PRINT FOR THE PARLOR.

THROUGH THE USE
OF HYPNOSIS,

WE'LL REACH
THE PROBLEM'S ROOT.

YOU ARE GOING BACK,

BACK...

BACK INTO THE DIM,
DARK RECESSES

OF YOUR PRIMITIVE PAST.

[DRUMS BEATING]

WAH AAH OH!

[CHALLENGING GRUNTS]

[CRASH]

[FURIOUS GRUNTING]

[POW]

[THUD]

YOU REALIZE, OF COURSE,

YOUR POOR SOCIAL SKILLS
DOOM YOU TO EXTINCTION.

STOP! NO! NO!

[SNAP]

LET ME AT HIM!
WHERE'D HE GO?

AHEM...

MR. DARKWING,

I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE
YOUR TEST RESULTS.

MR. MEEKELS,
MR. DARKWING,

ACCORDING
TO THESE TESTS,

ONE OF YOU SHOULD BE
A CAPED CRIME FIGHTER,

SCOOTING THE ROOFTOPS
IN SEARCH OF EVILDOERS.

YEAH, YEAH.

AHH!

THE OTHER
SHOULD POUR TEA

AT THE LACE
AND DOILY SOCIETY.

MR. DARKWING,

YOUR TEAPOT!

HEH?

THIS IS BOGUS!

YOU CAN'T QUIT
CRIME FIGHTING!

DR. LOON'S TESTS
PROVE IT.

AS A SUPERHERO,
I'M A SUPERZERO.

THE WORLD'S SEEN THE LAST
OF DARKWING DUCK.

THE FIRST TIME
I ROBBED THIS PLACE,

I WAS ONLY PLAYING.

NOW THAT I'VE REDUCED

DARKWING DUCK
TO PSYCHOLOGICAL RUBBLE,

I'LL ROB IT FOR REAL!

I CAN BUY THE TOY
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED

BY RELIEVING
THE BOX OFFICE SAFE OF...

$10 MILLION?

THAT'S TONIGHT'S
PRIZE MONEY.

MANGLER WANTS
A REMATCH.

WITH THE HUGELY MUSCLED
HEAD-RIPPER.

AND IF YOU LOSE?

FIVE BUCKS
AND A FREE HIPPO BURGER.

MAYBE DARKWING DUCK
OUGHT TO BE THERE

IF YOU NEED HELP?

NO CAN DO.

MAJOR POETRY READING
AT THE LACE AND DOILY
SOCIETY THIS EVENING.

AAH! UHH!
EEE! AAH!

EEYOUU! UHH!

AAH!

THE PINKYLOCK,
GO FOR THE PINKYLOCK!

SNAKES DON'T--

DON'T HAVE--UHH!

PINKIES!

I HOPE DAD'S HAVING
BETTER LUCK AT HIS JOB.

WAITER...

MORE TEA.

I AM THE KETTLE
THAT WHISTLES
IN THE NIGHT...

♪ I'M A LITTLE TEACUP
WITH A TEENY-WEENY
UNGRASPABLE HANDLE...♪♪

I AM TEAPOT DUCK.

MORE TEA.

AAH!

WHOOPSIE...

I BETTER TURN DOWN
THE PRESSURE.

THE DARKLING WOOD
BY EMILY DUCKINSON.

"IN THE DARKLING WOOD,
I HEAR

"WHAT IN MY DREAMS
DOTH PIERCE THE EAR.

AND IN THE QUIET NIGHT
DOTH SLUMBER--"

[SNORING]

AHEM!

MY PEACEFUL THOUGHTS

ARE CAST IN UMBER!

SNOR--GAAH!
WHAT?

OH, SORRY!
HEH HEH...

UH-OH.

SO MANY SAFES,

SO LITTLE TIME.

ONCE I BUY
THE TOY TO END ALL TOYS,

I'LL CRACK THEM ALL.

WITH DARKWING DUCK
RETIRED,

THERE'S NO ONE--

I'M THE TERRIER
THAT NIPS
AT YOUR SHOELACES,

I AM THE LAVENDER
WRIST SLAPPER!

GRAB SKY, BAD GUY!

WHOEVER YOUR TAILOR IS,
I SUGGEST YOU SUE.

I HAVE NO TAILOR.
IT CAME FROM
THE COUNTY LANDFILL.

I GET NEW CLOTHES

WHEN I'M DOWN
IN THE DUMPS MYSELF.

ENOUGH FASHION TALK.

TEDDY, DESTROY HIM.

SUCK GAS, EVILDOER!

HA HA HA HA!

LAUGHING GAS!

HA HA!
I LOVE THIS STUFF!

TEDDY--TEDDY HAS
NO SENSE OF HUMOR AND--

HA HA HA! GET HIM!

GRRRRR!

OH, MY...

OWW!

OH! OW OW!

[GAGGING]

"OH, OH...

"BA-BARE TRE-TREES

"WHITHER...

WHITHER..."

DESIST AT ONC--

AH! HERE'S THE PROBLEM!

A TEA BAG
IN THE--

PHBLAPT!

STACK.

[CLANG]

OUT!

STAY OUT!

WELL, SOME PEOPLE
HAVE NO MANNERS.

THE TEST SAID
I WAS PERFECT
FOR THIS JOB.

I'M A FAILURE
AT EVERYTHING.

I HATE BEGINNING
A NEW JOB.

HELP ME
LOAD THE LOOT
BEFORE SOME--

WHERE DO I GET
HIPPO BURGER COUPONS?

AND DON'T FORGET
HIS FREN--

FRENCH FRIES.

GRRRRR.

BRING THE SAFE.

I'LL TAKE CARE
OF THESE TWO...

PERSONALLY!

LOOK HERE,
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO--

YOU AREN'T TAKING THAT
LYING DOWN,

ARE YOU, LAUNCHPAD?

OH, GUESS YOU ARE.

DARKWING DUCK
WON'T LET YOU
DO THIS!

DARKWING WHO?

OH, OH, YES!

HIM!

I SUSPECT HE'S
TOO BUSY FOLDING
DOILIES

TO CARE ABOUT
MY LITTLE CRIME SPREE.

FORGETTING SOMETHING
AREN'T YOU,

QUACKERJACK?

[CRASH]

OH...

THIS JOB IS
TOO STRESSFUL.

[HARMONICA PLAYS]

WHAT'S THE USE
OF IT ALL?

I'M JUST A BORN LOSER.

[HARMONICA PLAYS]

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

I HOPE
THROWING MYSELF OFF

WON'T DISTURB YOU.

WHAT?

NOT AT ALL.
GO RIGHT AHEAD.

WHAT?

IT'S NOT THE ANSWER!

I'M AFRAID I HAVE
NO CHOICE.

THE TEST SHOWED
MY PERFECT JOB.

I'M A TERRIBLE
FAILURE AT IT.

NO TEST CAN TELL
HOW TO LIVE.

A MAN LIKE YOU,
A MAN LIKE ME,

WE BOLDLY GO,
OUR EYES ON THE STARS.

FILL-UP YOUR EYES
WITH THOSE STARS, MAN!

YOUR FUTURE'S
OUT THERE, I SAY!

IT'S CALLING TO YOU!

IT DOESN'T
LEAVE RECORDED MESSAGES.

BE THERE TO ANSWER!

I WILL!
I WILL BE THERE!

MR. DUCK,
YOU SAVED MY LIFE!

YOU'RE A REAL HERO!

HERO?

YEAH!

YEAH, HAH!

I AM A REAL--AAH!

I WON'T
NEED THIS
HORRIBLE WEAPON.

MAYBE...

MAYBE I COULD
GET THAT JOB

AT THE LACE AND
DOILY SOCIETY.

HELP!

HELP!

SOMEBODY, HELP ME!

GRAB ON!

QUACKERJACK'S
NABBED GOSALYN.

WANT ME
TO DROP YOU--

NO!
GO TO THE BRIDGE.

I SEE SOMETHING
I NEED.

I SHOULDN'T
HAVE LET GO
OF THIS.

FLY TO THE TOWER.
WE'LL PICK UP
MY SPARE COSTUME.

YOU MEAN?

THAT'S RIGHT.
DARKWING DUCK...

IS BACK!

[SCREECH]

♪ WITH $10 MILLION
IN YOUR ACCOUNT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE ANY TOY
YOU WANT ♪♪

HA HA HA!

WITH TERROR TEDDY,

THE TOWN BECOMES
ONE BIG PLAY CENTER.

WELL, L.P.,

LET'S GET DANGEROUS!

FEELS GOOD
TO SAY THAT AGAIN.

[ALARM SOUNDS]

NO!

IT CAN'T BE! IT'S...

DARKWING DUCK!

GRRRRR!

I HATE IT
WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

AAH!

AH-AAH!

[BELCH]

YOUR HERO JUST BECAME
MY TEDDY BEAR'S PICNIC.

WHICH LEAVES US
WITH ONE TOO MANY
PLAYMATES AROUND HERE.

GRRRR!

YOU BETTER CALL
OFF WINNIE THE GHOUL
RIGHT NOW.

I THOUGHT LITTLE
CHILDREN LIKED TO PLAY
WITH STUFFED ANIMALS.

GRRRRRR!

[TEETH
CHATTERING]

[CRASH]

[GRUNTING]

[PANTING]

I NEVER LEAVE HOME

WITHOUT A HEAVY-DUTY
HYDRAULIC JACK.

I AM THE TERROR
THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT.

I AM THE WIDGET

MISSING FROM THE
EASY-TO-ASSEMBLE SWING SET.

I AM DARKWING DUCK!

RRRRR...

[VACUUM
SUCTIONING]

WITHOUT YOUR WEAPONS,

YOU'RE A DUCK
WHO'S DRESSED FUNNY.

A REAL HERO'S MORE
THAN HIS GIMMICKS.

ALL I NEED IS...

THIS!

YOU IS GETTING SCHLEEPY,
QUACKERJACK.

YOU IS GOING BACK...

BACK...

NO!
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

BACK INTO
YOUR PRIMITIVE PAST.

NO! NO!

NO! NO! NO!

[DRUMS BEATING]

TRICERATOPS.

NOW THAT YOU'RE BACK
TO BEING YOU,

ARE YOU GOING
TO STAY YOU?

YEAH, GOS.
WHEREVER THERE'S
AN EVILDOER EVILDOING,

I'LL BE THERE.

GREAT, DAD.

I'M THE TERROR
THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT...

THE INGROWN TOENAIL
ON THE FOOT OF CRIME...

THE ZIT THAT FORMS
WHEN YOU'VE GOT
A BIG DATE--

ALL RIGHT, DAD!
I GET THE POINT.