Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 18 - You Sweat Your Life - full transcript

In order to catch a pair of crooks, Darkwing signs up at the health center where they work. What he doesn't count on is Herb and Binkie Muddlefoot tagging along. And when DW and Herb become stuck together, it'll be even tougher to stop the old man in charge, who's willing to do anything to attain the elixir of life.

♪ Daring duck of mystery ♪

♪ Champion of right ♪

♪ Swoops out of the shadows ♪

♪ Darkwing of the night ♪

♪ Somewhere some villain schemes ♪

♪ But his number's up ♪

♪ 3, 2, 1! ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ When there's trouble you call D.W. ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

Let's get dangerous.

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing, Darkwing Duck! ♪

♪ A cloud of smoke and he appears ♪

♪ The master of surprise ♪

♪ Who's that cunning mind behind ♪

♪ The shadowy disguise ♪

♪ Nobody knows for sure ♪

♪ The bad guys are out of luck
Here comes ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Look out! ♪

♪ When there's trouble you call D.W. ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Let's get dangerous! ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ You better watch out, you bad boys ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

[Slim] Oh, my. Oh, my. Move it, Flex.

We're almost done. Come on, come on.

Clearly the crafty criminals
committing the crime wave.

-[metallic ringing]
-Ow! Oh!

Stop dancing around
and hoist me, so I can hoist it.


The feather's all the boss wants.

The feather, Slim?

[stuttering] Why's this little feather
all he wants?

Simple, you nit.

It's the tail feather
of Mel the Conqueror,

greatest hero of all time.

Right, Slim, right. I knew that.

And what do we do next, Slim? Eh, what?

[Darkwing] How about
a stretch in the state pen?

I am the terror that flaps in the night.

I am the metal key
on the sardine can of justice.

I am--

Darkwing Duck!

So, my reputation exceeds me.

Eradicate him, Flex.


Why'd you go
and throw away the goods, you nit?

I love this.

Oh, D.W.!

Oh, oh. Launchpad's in imminent danger.

And my strict moral code dictates
that a sidekick's life takes precedent.

Besides, good help is hard to find.

I don't like to throw my weight around,

but here's
your daily requirement of iron, hero.

[Darkwing] I'll save you-- [screaming]

Come on, Flex!
Let's go while the going's good, doll.

Wouldn't happen to have a backup plan,
would you, D.W.?

A true hero always has
a great back-up plan,

but sometimes they don't work.


They escaped. Split. Flew.
Hightailed it. Got away clean!

However, as every crimefighter knows,

the crook always leaves
some clue behind...

and I haven't got
the slightest idea where it is.

Eh... D.W., you're closer than you think.

[Darkwing] It's the barbell
that barbarous baboon bashed me with!

I recognize that.

It's from Jock Newbody's
Hale and Hearty House of Health.

I think I'll pay
the physically fit felons a visit,

undercover in the guise of...

Drake Mallard,

an average Joe
looking to lose a few pounds.

Can't even risk taking along Launchpad.

No one, but no one, can know

about my trip
to the Hale and Hearty House of Health.

[Binkie] Oh, don't worry, Drake!
Your secret's safe with us.

[Drake] The Muddlefoots...

Although it's no disgrace
to want to get back into shape.

Is it, Herb, dear?


[deep inhalation]

I wouldn't be caught dead... [coughing]

...at one of those flab-o-ramas,

but the little lady here--

Found this lovely three-for-one coupon.

Why, the deal we'll get is
positively criminal.

Finish loading the luggage, Herb.

Yes, dear.

Oh, it's so nice of you to include us
on this wonderful idea, Drake.

All right! Quiet, you nit!
You wanna make him mad?

The man's 122 years old, right?

Well, we don't wanna
make him cranky, do we?

Now wake him up
the way your mother used to,

gently, caressingly.

OK, Slim. I can do that. Honest, yeah.

-Wake up!

-[door slam]
-[Jock] What's the idea?

You know I need 17 hours
in my avocado and kiwi fruit bath!

Easy, Jock.

One second of anger takes
ten minutes off your life.

[inhaling] Peace in...

[exhaling] Anger out.

Boss, we got everything on your list.


At last, I can begin.


So, is it ready, boss?

Yeah, boss. Is it ready? Eh? Is it?

Not quite!

I've waited years to complete this.

I've tried everything to extend my life.

And now, I almost have it!

An elixir for immortality!

A fountain of youth!

And it will be mine!

As soon as I get one final ingredient.

Oh, what's that, boss?

A single, solitary feather
from a true and pure hero.

Give me the feathered headdress
from the museum.

[Flex stuttering]

He couldn't get it.

Couldn't get it?

I'm all wrinkles and you couldn't get me
a simple little feather?

I hate wrinkles!

It wasn't our fault!

Darkwing Duck was waiting for us!

Darkwing Duck?

Yeah. He seemed to know
every move we were making.

I wouldn't be surprised
if he followed us right here.


Well, now, that's different.

It is?

A feather from any hero would do.

Even a hero named Darkwing Duck.

[Binkie] How about a little song?

[Binkie clearing her throat]

♪ Ninety-nine bottles of milk
On the wall ♪

♪ Ninety-nine bottles of milk... ♪

I gotta find a new line of work.

-Now, our son, Tank.
-[Binkie continues singing]

He is always taking after his grandfather.

Here's a picture of the little guy,
just six months old,

taking after his grandfather.

Good thing we got
that hacksaw away from him.

Gramps never did find his wooden leg.


[Drake screaming]

[Binkie continues singing]

Yeah, but, Slim, we're the bad guys.

Darkwing Duck's supposed to find us.

I know, I know,
but if we don't get him for the boss,

we'll end up in a stew of our own.

Now keep your eyes open.
He'll probably be in disguise.

And until such time as we know who he is,

we run the place normal-like, you get it?

Ah... oh, well, breathe that mountain air.

[deep inhalation]

Yeah, it's not nearly so chunky
as we got back home.

I didn't think it was possible, Flex,

but this butterball's
at least as fat as you are stupid.

[laughing] Yeah.

Oh, you must be
one of those pleasant little attendants

we read about in the brochure.

All right, you mealy-mouthed,
soggy sacks of bird seed,

fall in!

Maybe you should get a different brochure.


Come on, you slugs! You people would give
Moby Dick a run for his blubber.


Isn't this delightful, Herb, dear?

Oh, and aren't these
the cutest wrist weights?

[breathing with difficulty]


Half a push-up
and I'm ready for a nice brisk nap.

See you back at the room, Binkster! [gasp]

Rule number one...

unauthorized cessation of exercise is
strictly prohibited.

And I do mean strictly.

Ah... how we're gonna figure out which one
of these ducks is this Darkwing Duck?

Eh, Slim? How? How?

By making sure everybody is

where they oughta be
when they oughta be there.

And whoever ain't there is Darkwing!

One last joker to check on.

Muddlefoot, Herb.

No, that's Duck... Darkwing Duck.

Darkwing... Duck?

It's him!

Oh... he's the one the boss said to get
the feather from, ain't he, Slim? Eh?

Boss, eh? I didn't think
you two were self-employed.

Incapacitate him, Flex!


Hate to beat and run,

but I think I'll pay your boss a visit.

Come on, Flex. We gotta get that feather.

Drat! I forgot to take off
these stupid wrist weights.

No time now!

Where did he go? [panting]

Over there!

[Flex] But that's Muddlefoot, Herb.


Darkwing Duck's
a master of disguise, you nit.

Let's get him.

A body can take only so much punishment.

I'm busting out of this joint.

[Flex] I got him, Slim, I got him!

[Slim] Ouch! That was me, you nit!

[Herb] Hey, what's the big--


Come on, Flex!

Let's give this to the boss, pronto-like!

Are these guys strict, or what?

I gotta get out of here!

Hey, Slim. The boss is gonna be
really happy when he sees this!

The boss, eh?

Now my investigation is nearly complete.

They'll lead me straight to him.

[Herb] Geronimo!

Unless I get sidetracked
by some stumbling suburbanite.




Did I call that one?

Ha! I did, didn't I?

-Easy, boy. Easy.





Mmm... guard dog.

And judging from its bared teeth
and copious saliva flow,

he doesn't like being called d-u-m-b.

[Darkwing] Hey, watch where you're...

The wrist weights.

The electric fence must have
welded them together!

We're stuck!





Move it, Mr. Muddlefoot.

Never was too good at climbing.

[Herb] Back home,
Binkie does the ladder work.

-Later, Muddlefoot. Later!

Come on, just get...

-[Darkwing screaming]

-[Herb howling]


Hey, I'm not dead!

It's a miracle!

I've waited a long time for this moment.

[vibrating sound]

Now, finally!

Eternal youth will be mine!


Feel any younger, boss?

[bone rattling]


Ah, I feel like...

[bowling pins falling]

I feel like bowling.

You fools! You idiots!
You brought me the wrong feather!

Quickly, get me that antidote!

I can't take another second
in a body like this.


Get out there and get me
the right feather!

[Herb] So, anyway, it's election night
at the lodge, you know?

And I'm running for president, see?

So, naturally, I vote for myself...

twelve times! [laughter]

And still I come in third.

Politics. Go figure.

Oh, have I mentioned my family yet?

Binkie, Tank, and Honker?

About 20 times in the last two minutes.

Oh, good.
Then you are gonna love this story.

See, what it is...

[Flex] Yeah, that's it, boy.
Get their scent. That's right.

[growling and barking]

...and then one time,
Binkie used double coupons

and got three free cans of mackerel!

What was that?

Mackerel. It's a fish, sort of.

No, no, no. It's dogs.

They've set the dogs loose on us!

We'll have to make a run for it.

I hope my little Binkie is OK!

She's probably worried sick about me.

Oh, my, isn't this just wonderful?

Why, I haven't had a manicure since...

Oh... why, come to think of it...

I've never had a manicure.

Having just survived

one of the more nightmarish days
of my entire life,

I feel I'm entitled to know...

[screaming] what's going on here?

[chuckle] You're about to find out.

Slim, the feather.

Hey, what are you--


Watch it, pal. That's private property,

and I do mean private.

Thank you, Darkwing Duck.
This is just what I wanted.

Oh, yeah? Well,
I'd kinda grown attached to it myself.


I'm sorry you had to know about this,

so of course you'll have to die now.

Eh... no offense, gramps,

but I can beat you
with one of these tied behind my back.




Ha! That's supposed to impress me, Jocko?

-[screaming in pain]

That stuff available over the counter?

You were saying something
about beating me up?

Eh... who, me? [nervous laughter]

Didn't crack a word.

[Jock] I truly am sorry
I have to kill you.

I'm not exactly thrilled
about the prospect myself.

I do hope you understand.

You know about my youth elixir
and I don't want anybody after it.

Not even my faithful retainers.


You have a few last moments.

This bomb has a timer

so I can load up the elixir and clear out.

This is madness, you know!

You'll never get away with it.

See, technically,
he's already gotten away with it,

but I felt compelled to say something.

Oh, poor Binkie.

Getting blown up will put
a real damper on her day.

It doesn't have to happen, Herb.

If you can do a sit-up,
I'll be able to reach the ropes.

A sit-up?

I couldn't do a sit-up
if my life depended on it!

In case you've forgotten, it does!

Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to try.


[Herb] Ow!

I was wrong. It does too hurt to try!

Just look at your stomach,
and pretend you're reaching

for a big, fat... bad choice of words.

Make that nice, juicy hamburger.



I'm no use to you,

no use to Binkie, no use to anybody.

Herb, think about Binkie.
Do that sit-up for Binkie!


I can't let Binkie down!


I did it!

And I hope I never have to do it again.

Come on! We've got to stop
that old... young geezer.

There's enough here to last me a lifetime!

Which, considering I'm now immortal,
could be quite a while.

[Darkwing] Not so fast!

What? I thought you were dead.

[mocking laughter]

Oh, well. You're too late, boys.

You can't stop me now.

Just watch me.


You forget.
I'm not as old as I used to be.


This isn't quite what I had in mind.

Hey, leave him alone!

Uh, Herb...



You great, big meanie. Look what you did!

♪ Nah, nah-nah, nah-nah ♪

That's what you get
for goofing around with nature.

Yeah, and we're telling!

[blows raspberry]

Keen gear, I'm free!

Now I'll fix you, you big bully.


No fair! No fair!

The whatchamacallit, the antidote!

I gotta get the antidote.

As soon as I drink this, I'll change back,

and then you'll be in big trouble, duck.

How did you get out of that locker?

I knew the combination,

but it won't be so easy for you.

Don't worry about him.
We'll get him later.

That elixir is ours now.

[Herb imitating a train]

Coming through!


My youth elixir! Gone! [crying]

-[Jock crying]

It's not chocolate malted,
but drink this, Muddlefoot.


[Darkwing] Someone's been
a very naughty boy.

I didn't do it! I didn't do it!

I didn't...
I didn't do it! I didn't do it!

Maybe by the time you're out,

you'll be old enough to vote... again.

Youth is wasted on the young.

Well, I just wanted to say, uh...

[stuttering] Well, yeah, after that bit
with the bomb there...


What I'm getting at is...
[throat clearing]

...thank you for saving my life, Herb.

Thanks, Herb?

Darkwing Duck said thank you to me?

Ordinary old Herb Muddlefoot?

That has a nice ring to it, don't it?


Wait till Binkie hears this one!

She'll never believe... [gasp]

Oh! In all the excitement,
I hope she's all right!

Pardon me, miss,
but I was looking for my...


Why, Binkie,

you're purtier than a four-cheese pizza
at the Bowl 'n Brie.

Oh, Herb. [laughing]

The thing you say.


We have company.


Where you been, spud?

You are never gonna believe
what happened to me today!

[Herb] But we got a nice
13-hour drive ahead of us.

And I can give every last detail.

[laughter] Oh, yeah!

Boy, you can't begin to imagine
what all went on!

See, it started out like this...

[theme music playing]

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪