Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 17 - Bearskin Thug - full transcript

It's spring once again, and for Gosalyn, that means one horrifying thing: camping season! Dragged along for the ride, Gosalyn and the "true outdoors-man", Drake "Darkwing Duck" Mallard head for the forest, undeterred even by the bear sightings in the area. Not only does DW have to show Gosalyn the joys of natural living, he has to do so between the terrorism of a ferocious bear, the modern meddling of the Muddlefoots, and another of Steelbeak's evil plots.

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♪ DARING DUCK OF MYSTERY ♪

♪ CHAMPION OF RIGHT ♪

♪ SWOOPS OUT
OF THE SHADOWS ♪

♪ DARKWING OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE
SOME VILLAIN SCHEMES ♪

♪ BUT HIS NUMBER'S UP ♪

3, 2, 1!

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS.



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

DARKWING, DARKWING DUCK!

♪ A CLOUD OF SMOKE
AND HE APPEARS ♪

♪ THE MASTER OF SURPRISE ♪

♪ WHO'S THAT CUNNING
MIND BEHIND ♪

♪ THE SHADOWY DISGUISE ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE ♪

♪ THE BAD GUYS
ARE OUT OF LUCK ♪

♪ HERE COMES ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LOOK OUT!

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS!



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BAD BOYS ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪♪

YOU CAN'T GET CLOSER
TO HEAVEN THAN THIS--

THE SUNDAY FUNNIES,

A BOWL OF HONEY
CRUNCHY WACKY-Os,

AND A DAY WITH
NOTHING TO DO

BUT ROT OUR BRAINS
ON VIDEO GAMES.

THE BENEFITS
OF MODERN CIVILIZATION

CAN BE BREATHTAKING.

HERE'S
THE SPORTS.

WANT THE
TRAVEL SECTION?

GET A LIFE.

IF IT ISN'T
IN COMICS OR SPORTS,

MY BRAIN REJECTS IT.

AAH! OH, NO!

UH, YOUR TEAM LOSE?

WORSE!
WHERE CAN I HIDE?

IT'S CAMPING SEASON!

COME ON!

EVERY SPRING,
THE SAME THING.

THE CAMPSITES OPEN,

AND DAD STARTS
MUTATING.

HE STOPS BEING DAD
AND TURNS INTO...

"A TRUE OUTDOORSMAN!"

I GET THE WILLIES
THINKING ABOUT IT.

BUT WHAT'S WRONG
WITH GOING CAMPING?

[CRASH]

SOUNDS LIKE FUN TO ME.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

NO HEAT, NO TV,
NO VIDEOS,

NO BATHROOMS.

IF I WANTED TO
LIVE LIKE THAT,

I'D MOVE IN
WITH BIG FOOT.

HONKER? OHH.

DESERTED IN MY
HOUR OF NEED.

GOSALYN!

HELP! GOSALYN!

QUIT FOOLING AROUND,
HONK.

IF DAD DOESN'T SEE
THIS STUFF,

MAYBE HE WON'T
REMEMBER.

GOSALYN, I TOLD YOU
NO SOCCER PLAYING

IN THE HOUSE!

NOT US.

OH, BUT WE WERE
JUST READING.

OF COURSE.

EVER THE EXPERT
ON CURRENT EVENTS.

TRY IT RIGHT SIDE UP.

WHAT WERE YOU
REALLY--

WHAT IS THIS?

DUCK AND COVER!

ALL RIGHT,
YOUNG LADY.

YOU HAD BETTER--

CAMPING STUFF!

IS IT THAT TIME
ALREADY?

IT IS!

GOS, I LOVE YOU.

GETTING ALL
THIS STUFF READY--

I WOULD HAVE
FORGOTTEN.

YOU CAN KEEP
MY STUFFED TOADS,

BUT DONATE
MY ZOMBIE COMICS

TO THE EIGHTH PERIOD
STUDY HALL.

I DON'T THINK
A CAMPING TRIP
CALLS FOR A WILL.

EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.

YOU'LL BE
UP TO YOUR NOSE

IN WACKY WILLIE
CARTOONS.

THERE'S GOT TO BE
SOME WAY

OF STOPPING THIS TRIP.

WE'LL BE GOING

WHEN I FINISH
PACKING.

IF THE CAR DOESN'T
GET PACKED,

WE DON'T GO.

♪ AH DA DIT BOO ♪

♪ DI AT-DA DIDDY AH ♪

♪ AH BA BIT BOO ♪

♪ ZIP A BOO
DA DUM DUM ♪♪

[WHISTLING]

I THOUGHT WE'D BE
ON THE ROAD BY NOW.

BOY, HOW MANY OF
THESE THINGS

ARE WE GOING
TO NEED?

PACKING NEVER USED
TO TAKE THIS LONG.

OOPSIE.

GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE
KEEN ON HELPING,

BUT I THINK
IT'LL GO FASTER

IF I FINISH MYSELF.

AND...VOILA!

A PLACE
FOR EVERYTHING,

AND EVERYTHING
IN ITS PLACE.

LET ME GET RID
OF THIS LOOSE STRING.

[MUMBLING]

FINALLY, ALL PACKED
AND READY TO GO.

NOTHING TO STOP US.

SURE.

WE'RE NOT GETTING
OUT OF CIVILIZATION

A MOMENT TOO SOON.

OOH, YOU...

AH, NOTHING LIKE
MOUNTAIN AIR.

GLAD THE
RENTAL CAR COMPANY

HAD A CAR FOR US,
AREN'T YOU?

THE PARK'S CLOSING.
TOO BAD. LET'S GO.

JUST CALM DOWN.

WHAT'S THE STORY?

IT'S A BEAR!
YOU CAN'T GO IN.

WE CAN BE BACK

BEFORETHE
WACKY WILLIE SHOW.

GOSALYN.

LOOK, I HAVE
A RESERVATION.

I DEMAND A
CAMPING PERMIT.

FINE!

CAMP ANYWHERE
YOU WANT,

JUST WATCH OUT
FOR THE BEAR.

WELL, OF COURSE.

THE WHOLE POINT
IN COMING HERE

IS TO OBSERVE
THE WILDLIFE.

WHATEVER WILDLIFE
IS LEFT.

DON'T WORRY,
GOSALYN.

THERE WILL BE
PLENTY TO SEE.

THE FIRST RULE
OF A TRUE OUTDOORSMAN

IS TO PICK THE RIGHT
CAMPSITE.

PERFECT.

YEAH, IF YOU
WANT DESOLATION.

WHEN WE
FIX THE TENT,

IT'LL BE LIKE HOME.

HMM.
GROUND'S A BIT HARD.

JUST NEEDS
A TAD MORE FORCE.

WHOA. LUCKY
IT HIT YOUR HEAD.

A TRUE OUTDOORSMAN
NEVER GIVES UP.

BUT A CITY GIRL
KNOWS WHEN TO CHEAT.

STOP THAT!

THESE THINGS ARE
DANGEROUS.

DAD,

YOU OK?

NO PROBLEM.

IT TAKES MORE THAN THAT

TO SHAKE
A TRUE OUTDOORSMAN.

A TRUE...
UH, OUTDOORSMAN

KNOWS
HOW TO IMPROVISE.

WHEW! WELL,

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

COOL!

AND WITHOUT USING
STAKES.

JUST TAKES WILDERNESS
KNOW-HOW.

WHAT'S GOING ON
OUT THERE?

SORRY, DAD.

LET'S LET ME
PITCH THE TENT

WHILE YOU GO CHOP
FIREWOOD.

AH, REALLY?

YAHOO!

MAYBE THAT WASN'T
SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

HOW'S HE EXPECT ME
TO COLLECT WOOD

WITHOUT AN AX?

IT'S NOT LIKE
I'D CHOP DOWN THE FOREST,

JUST THIN IT OUT.

[GRRR]

"COME ON, GOSALYN.

CAMPING WILL BE FUN."

HUH?

[GRRR]

THERE'S OBVIOUSLY SOME
NEW DEFINITION OF FUN

THAT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT.

IF NATURE WANTS TO
COMMUNE WITH ME,

IT CAN SEND A FAX.

YEAH, BOY,
I'M IN PARADISE NOW.

LOOKS GREAT.

BACK, I SAY!

CHILL, DAD.

I WASN'T GOING
TO TOUCH THAT TENT.

SORRY. SAY,

HOW'S ABOUT
SOME CHOW?

IS THAT ANYTHING
LIKE FOOD?

WHAT'S THIS, VITAMINS?

NO. IT'S
DEHYDRATED FOOD.

EASY TO PACK,
NO FUSS, NO MUSS.

OH, MONDO NEATO!

THIS IS ONE PART
OF CAMPING

I'LL LIKE.

MARSHMALLOWS, ANYONE?

WILL THEY BLOW UP?

THE TRICK TO
MARSHMALLOW ROASTING

IS GETTING IT
GOLDEN BROWN

WITHOUT SINGEING IT.

AAH!
WE'RE HIT, CAPTAIN!

WE'RE GOING DOWN!

ARRGH!

OH, THE HUMANITY.

GIVE ME THAT!

LUCKY I BROUGHT
A SPARE.

TIME FOR BED.

THEREARE CHILD
ENDANGERMENT LAWS

IN THIS STATE.

YOU NEED A GOOD
NIGHT'S SLEEP.

WE HAVE TO BE UP AT
DAWN TO GO FISHING.

THIS ISN'T MY IDEA
OF PARADISE.

OUCH! THIS
GROUND IS LUMPY.

WANT MY
AIR MATTRESS?

AIR MATTRESS?
WE DIDN'T BRING--

GOOD NIGHT, DAD.

OHH, GOOD NIGHT,
GOSALYN.

[GRRR]

[GRRR]

IS THAT
YOUR STOMACH?

COULD BE. MARSHMALLOWS
DON'T EXACTLY COVER

THE BASIC FOOD GROUPS.

[GRRR]

[GRRR]

AAH!
AAH!

[GRRR]

WAIT. NO BEAR CAN SCARE
A TRUE OUTDOORSMAN,

LET ALONE DARKWING DUCK.

HEY-YA!

OOH, OOH, OH!

[GRRR]

THE BEAR HUG, EH?

I LAUGH
AT YOUR--

HA HA HA!

RUSTIC, UGH--

THOUGH CURIOUSLY
EFFECTIVE ATTEMPT...

TO SUFFOCATE ME.

ALL RIGHT, FUR FACE,
PUT HIM DOWN!

[GRRR]

GREAT TRICK!
DO YOU DO PARTIES?

[GRRR]

THAT WAS CLOSE.

I SURE WANT TO THANK
THE GUY WHO--

HOWDY, NEIGHBOR!

YOU WERE RIGHT.

THE KIDS WERE LOOKING
ON THE SOFT SIDE.

DECIDED TO TAKE
YOUR ADVICE--

SHOW THEM
THE TRUE OUTDOORS!

OOH, THIS IS EVER
SO EXCITING.

WELL, MISERY
LOVES COMPANY.

SORRY IT
HAD TO BE YOU.

SPEAKING OF MISERY,

TANK'S NOT VERY HAPPY
ABOUT THIS.

[GRRR]

I HEAR I HAVE YOU
TO THANK FOR THIS TRIP.

NICE BOY.

ARE YOU AWARE OF
THE LEASH LAWS?

THIS IS A BIG PLACE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
CAMP RIGHT HERE.

I'LL TELL YOU.

THE FIRST RULE OF
A TRUE OUTDOORSMAN

IS TO PICK
THE RIGHT CAMPSITE.

THIS ONE HERE IS
SOME SPOT.

WHERE ARE YOU
CAMPING?

IT'S RIGHT OVER TH--

THAT DOESN'T
LOOK LIKE

A VERY GOOD
SPOT.

WHY CAN'T WE SLEEP IN
LIKE THE MUDDLEFOOTS?

IF YOU SLEEP IN,

NO FRESH TROUT
FOR BREAKFAST.

NOW, THERE'S A REAL
INCENTIVE.

BESIDES, WE CAN
FINALLY GET SOME USE

OUT OF THIS
STUPID RAFT.

ARE YOU DRAGGING
YOUR FEET?

AAH!
WHOA!

NICE SHOT, DAD.

YOU FOUND
THE LAKE.

DAD?

NO PROBLEM.

JUST CHECKING OUT
THE FISH.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

NOT ONE BITE.

IT MUST BE SOME
KIND OF A CONSPIRACY.

WHO'D WANT TO
SUCK ON WORMS?

HUNGRY FISH, THAT'S WHO.

QUICK! THE NET.
I'M BRINGING HIM IN.

WILL YOU GET ME
OUT OF--

I HATE THIS PART.

UGH!

YUCK!

OUCH!

WILL YOU STOP?

DON'T WORRY.
I'LL SAVE YOU, DAD.

NO, DON'T! STOP!

OW!

WHAT, THOSE ARE
THE DWEEBS

YOU COULDN'T SCARE OFF?

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?

LOOK, BRUNO.

IF YOU CAN'T
SCARE THEM OFF,

JUST GET RID
OF THEM.

[GRRR]

RIGHT.

SAVE IT FOR THE
PEANUT GALLERY, BABE.

[COUGH COUGH]

THAT THING TRIED
TO EAT ME.

YOU PROBABLY
LOOKED TASTIER

THAN THAT WORM.

OH? WHAT BAIT
DO YOU SUGGEST,

MISS WILDERNESS
EXPERT?

WELL, SOMETHING MORE
TEMPTING THAN A WORM

LIKE...FRENCH FRIES

OR A CANDY BAR!

TOLD YOU, DAD.

IT'S ALL
IN THE BAIT.

[GRRR]

MIGHTY NEIGHBORLY TO SHARE
YOUR FISH WITH US.

THERE WAS
SO MUCH.

HOW DID YOU
CATCH IT?

JUST TAKES WILDERNESS
KNOW-HOW, RIGHT?

[GRUMBLING]

GOOD THING
ALL THIS ROUGHING IT

WORKED UP
OUR APPETITES.

YOU CALL THIS
ROUGHING IT?

MICROWAVE,
EASY CHAIRS.

EVEN A TV, HERB!

ONLY A PORTABLE.

IT DOESN'T
EVEN TAKE CABLE.

THE PIONEERS DIDN'T HAVE
MICROWAVE OVENS.

THEY LIVED OFF
THE LAND

EATING NUTS, BERRIES!

I SEE WHERE
THIS IS GOING.

GOSALYN!

TODAY I'M TEACHING YOU

HOW TO LIVE OFF
THE LAND.

MY LAST MEAL.

I SHOULD HAVE
EATEN MORE.

I'LL TAKE CARE
OF IT.

MMM, MMM, MMM.
YOU OUGHT TO TRY SOME.

THIS KIDNEY PLANT'S
GREAT FOR SALADS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE MUTANT COW.

OH, LOOKY, LOOKY!

STICKY SAP
STINKWEED.

GREAT SKIN
MOISTURIZER.

OH, THAT'S IT.

I CAN GET BACK
TO CAMP

BEFORE HE NOTICES
I'M GONE.

WHY DON'T YOU WATCH
WHERE I'M GOING?

YOU! YOU'RE--YOU'RE A
F.O.W.L. EGGMAN.

HEY, BINGO ON
THE FIRST TRY.

AND YOU, MY
NOSY MUNCHKIN,

ARE HISTORY.

TAKE HER, FANG.

[GASP]

[GRRR]

PRESTO CHANGO.

BADDA BOOM,
BADDA BING,

AND ONE HIGH-POWERED
INTERCONTINENTAL MISSILE

IS NOW A HARMLESS
FIR TREE.

WHEN WE'RE THROUGH,

THIS PARK WILL HAVE
ENOUGH POWER

TO ATOMIZE A CONTINENT.

CAN'T BE TOO GOOD
FOR THE TREES.

I HATE
THIS NATURE STUFF.

FRESH AIR MAKES
ME GAG.

YEP. GIVE ME
CIVILIZATION ANY DAY.

GEE, THAT SOUNDS
FAMILIAR.

LET ME PUT YOU
ON INTIMATE TERMS

WITH ONE OF OUR
NATURAL WONDERS--

OLD RELIABLE.

IMPRESSED?

IT'LL DO THAT AGAIN
IN EXACTLY 10 MINUTES.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
APPRECIATE

A FRONT ROW SEAT.

BOY, THIS SPECKLED
EUCALYPTUS BUSH

IS A GREAT
EARWAX REMOVER,

GOSALYN.

GOSALYN?

IF ANYTHING HAPPENED
TO HER,

I'LL NEVER FORGIVE
MYSELF.

LET'S SEE...

BEAR, TREES,
STEELBEAK, GOSALYN.

NUCLEAR MISSILES,
MORE TREES--

WHAT? STEELBEAK!
MISSILES!

TIME FOR THIS
OUTDOORSMAN

TO GET DANGEROUS.

YOU'LL NEVER GET
AWAY WITH THIS.

ANOTHER SATISFIED
SUBSCRIBER

TO THE CLICHE
OF THE MONTH CLUB.

I AM THE TERROR
THAT FLOPS IN THE NIGHT!

NO. NOT HERE.

I'M THE PESTILENT
BLISTER

THAT BURSTS
IN YOUR BOOT.

EUWW!
EUWW!

I AM DARKWING DUCK!

MAN, I CAN'T GET
AWAY FROM YOU.

WHAT, ARE YOU
A FRANCHISE?

TAKE HIM DOWN.

[GRRR]

I HATE DOING THIS
TO AN ENDANGERED SPECIES,

BUT YOU ARE TOAST, BEAR.

HUH! IT'S A ROBOT.

[GRRR]

OK. I CAN TAKE OFF
THE KID GLOVES.

HANG IN THERE,
DARKWING!

I'M ON MY WAY.

HEY, THAT'S NICE.

EVERY DIABOLICAL
MASTER PLAN

SHOULD HAVE
MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT.

EH? WHAT?

YEOW OW OW!

OOH HOO!

[GRRR]

WHOA!

HUH?

HA HA HA!

ECHO.

HELLOOOO
DOWN THERE!

THESE OUGHT TO WORK
LIKE SMELLING SALTS.

[COUGH COUGH]

OH, SPECKLED
PLUMENTHAL LEAVES?

WHY, GOSALYN, YOUWERE
PAYING ATTENTION.

[GRRR]

I'LL GIVE IT
MY PATENTED

DOUBLE FLIP
WEB KICK.

NO NEED, DARKWING.

I HAVE ONE MORE
WILDERNESS TRICK

UP MY SLEEVE.

[GRRR]

IT WOULD BE
A SHAME

TO WASTE MY
PATENTED WEB KICK.

ALL RIGHT.
YOU'VE HAD IT.

I'M GETTING YOU
AND THE GIRL.

UH-OH.

SOUNDS LIKE OLD RELIABLE
IS RIGHT ON TIME.

ONCE AGAIN, THE WORLD IS
A SAFER PLACE

THANKS
TO DARKWING DUCK!

AND...

TRUE OUTDOORSPERSON!

UH, YEAH.

RIGHT.

HA HA HA!