Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 15 - Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlatan - full transcript

Darkwing's arch enemy Tuskerninni is trying to ruin a movie studio so that he can buy it cheap and then drill for the oil that's under it.

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DARKWING DUCK
♪ DARING DUCK OF MYSTERY ♪

♪ CHAMPION OF RIGHT ♪

♪ SWOOPS OUT
OF THE SHADOWS ♪

♪ DARKWING OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE
SOME VILLAIN SCHEMES ♪

♪ BUT HIS NUMBER'S UP ♪

3, 2, 1!

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS.



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

DARKWING, DARKWING DUCK!

♪ A CLOUD OF SMOKE
AND HE APPEARS ♪

♪ THE MASTER OF SURPRISE ♪

♪ WHO'S THAT CUNNING
MIND BEHIND ♪

♪ THE SHADOWY DISGUISE ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE ♪

♪ THE BAD GUYS
ARE OUT OF LUCK ♪

♪ HERE COMES ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LOOK OUT!

♪ WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE
YOU CALL D.W. ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

LET'S GET DANGEROUS!



♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪

♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
YOU BAD BOYS ♪

♪ DARKWING DUCK ♪♪

THE CRIME FIGHTER MOVED
THROUGH THE DARK STREETS--

HIS EVERY SENSE ALERT
TO ANY INSIDIOUS INJUSTICE,

MALICIOUS MISDEED,
OR UNSPEAKABLE CRIME.

THE NIGHT HELD
NEW CHALLENGES
TO TEST HIM.

HE WAS READY, BUT FIRST...

I HAVE TO PICK UP
THE KIDS.

UH-OH. THE KIDS
WILL HAVE TO WAIT.

EARTH IS BEING INVADED
BY ALIENS.

AAH!

AAH!

AAH!

ATTABOY, LAUNCHPAD.

KEEP THE KIDS SAFE.

THIS IS A JOB FOR...

DARKWING DUCK?

PRECISELY.

NOW FOR A LESSON,
YOU MARTIAN MISCREANTS!

TAKE A HIKE, BUB.

I'M THE HERO
AROUND HERE.

NO ROOM FOR INTERSTELLAR
HOOLIGANS AROUND HERE.

PLEASE,
NO NEED FOR THANKS.

CUT!

CUT?

OH. MOVIE. HEH HEH.

THAT DUCK'S NOT
IN MY SCRIPT.

YOU'VE
SAVED EVERYONE
FROM A MOVIE.

THIS ISN'T REAL.

IT'SSPACEDUCK--ATTACK
OF THE TEENAGE MUTANT

MARTIAN MALLARDS.

PART 12.

YOU COULD HAVE SHARED
THAT EARLIER.

THIS PICTURE'S PUTTING ME
BACK ON TOP.

YOU CAUSE TROUBLE,
AND I'LL BASH

EVERY BONE
IN YOUR BEAK, BUSTER.

WHO'S MISS CONGENIALITY?

YOU GOT
TO GET OUT MORE.

THAT'S GLORIA SWANSONG,
STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN,

AND COUNTLESS
DEODORANT COMMERCIALS.

SORRY. I THOUGHT
THIS WAS THE END
OF CIVILIZATION.

NO HARD FEELINGS, HEY?

HEY, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

DON'T YOU KNOW ME
FROM SOMEPLACE?

NEVER BEEN THERE.

OF COURSE!
YOU'RE MY ARCH-RIVAL,

THE VILLAINOUS
TUSKERNINNI.

SAY, SHOULDN'T YOU
BE BEHIND BARS?

I'VE ABANDONED
MY LIFE OF CRIME.

I LIVE NOW FOR CINEMA.

I'M A.F. ARRET,

HEAD OF A.F. ARRET
STUDIOS.

YOU JUST RUINED
AN EXPENSIVE SCENE

IN AN A.F. ARRET
PRODUCTION!

MUST BE A.F. ARRET.

KIDS, LET'S GO.

IF WE DON'T STAY,

I'LL GROW UP THINKING
THESE GRUESOME MONSTERS
ARE REAL.

WHY, THE EMOTIONAL SCARS
COULD LAST A LIFETIME!

WE'RE GOING,
AND WE'RE GOING NOW.

THROW KNIVES AT ME,

DROP BOMBS ON ME,

THAT I CAN HANDLE,

BUT SHE POUTS AND...

I'M MUSH.

AAH!

UNHAND THAT MAIDEN.

OH, PUH-LEASE.

THESE AREN'T
THE MIDDLE AGES,
YOU KNOW.

CUT!

I'M NOT TELLING YOU
YOUR JOB,

BUT NO SELF-RESPECTING
HERO WOULD BE
CAUGHT DEAD WITH THIS.

TAKE TWO!

I GIVE YOU ONE
LAST CHANCE IN THE NAME
OF INTERGALACTIC PEACE

TO DISAVOW
THIS EVIL SCHEME AND--

CUT!

WHAT'S THIS?

YOU'RE NEGOTIATING
WITH SPACE MONSTERS?

WHO WRITES THIS STUFF?

I DO!

NO OFFENSE INTENDED,
BUT YOU WANT REALISM?
YOU WANT ACCURACY?

I WANT QUIET!

ACTION!

THE ALIEN RAISES
HIS X-37 DEATH-INDUCER.

WHOA!
IS THIS EXCITING
OR WHAT?

IT'S JUST CHEAP
SPECIAL EFFECTS, LAUNCHPAD.

MERE MOVIE TRICKERY.

THE HERO LEAPS
FOR COVER.

AND NOW,
THE ALIEN FIRES.

OH, GOODNESS GRACIOUS.

THIS RAYGUN WAS LOADED.

"LEADING MAN INJURED
IN MYSTERIOUS ACCIDENT

AS SO-CALLED CRIME FIGHTER
DARKWING DUCK
TWIDDLES THUMBS."

WHO IS "SO-CALLED"?

YOU OUGHT TO SUE
FOR DEFINITION
OF CHARACTER.

I'LL DO MORE.

I'LL SOLVE THE CRIME
AT THE STUDIO.

WE'RE GOING TO SEE
THEM MAKESPACEDUCK!

PART 12.

I'LL GO PACK.

YOU ARE NOT GOING
ANYWHERE.

COME ON, LAUNCHPAD.

LET'S GIVE THEM A TASTE

OF REAL-LIFE HEROICS.

HONKER, WE GOT TO HELP.

GOSALYN,
YOUR DAD SAID--

WHAT HE MEANT WAS,

"I CAN'T DO IT
WITHOUT YOU."

YOU HAVE TO READ
BETWEEN THE LINES.

HERE WE ARE.
A.F. ARRET STUDIOS.

I'VE FACED SOME
RUTHLESS, BRUTAL,
COLD-BLOODED THUGS.

I HOPE I'M PREPARED
FOR MOVIE PEOPLE.

I AM THE TERROR
THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT.

I AM THE HAIR IN THE LENS
OF YOUR PROJECTOR.

WHY COULDN'T WE
USE THE GATE
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE?

BECAUSE I'M NOT
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!

I AM DARKWING...

DUCK!

PERHAPS YOU'D
LIKE TO SHOW ME
YOUR GATE PASS.

IT'S IN MY OTHER CAPE?

FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

I AM DARKWING DUCK.

YES,THE DARKWING DUCK,

HERE TO SOLVE A CRIME.

WHAT WE HAVE
IS A FAILURE
TO COMMUNICATE.

IT'S OK.
I KNOW THE SCORE.

YOU'RE UNDERPAID.

UNDER APPRECIATED.

YOU WORK LONG HOURS.

YOUR CHILDREN
DON'T RESPECT YOU.

YOU DON'T KNOW
WHERE TO TURN,

BUT I'M HERE
FOR YOU.

DON'T KEEP IT
BOTTLED INSIDE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

THERE'S NO STRUCTURE
TO MY UNIVERSE.

PSYCHOLOGY.

HEY! I DON'T HAVE
ANY CHILDREN.

[PROJECTOR RUNNING]

THE WHOLE SCENE--
RUINED BY THAT IDIOT.

I'LL GO BANKRUPT!
LOSE THE STUDIO!

NIX THE NEGATIVITY,
MY FRIEND,

FOR DARKWING DUCK
WILL WRITE

THE FINAL SCENE
IN THIS MYSTERY.

NOT YOU AGAIN!

HAVING YOU AROUND
COSTS ME MONEY.

THE VILLAIN
MADE ONE BUNGLE.

THE CRIME ITSELF WAS
CAPTURED FOREVER ON FILM.

WHAT I LIKE BETTER
THAN A MOVIE
IS A FREE MOVIE.

I'LL SHOW YOU
THAT FILM,
MR. FERRET,

AND EXPOSE
THE CRIMINAL'S
IDENTITY.

LAUNCHPAD,
THE PROJECTOR.

IT'S NOT FERRET,
IT'S ARRET! ARRET!

DIRECT
YOUR ATTENTION,
MR. ARRET ARRET,

TO THE RUBBISH
HERE.

A SEEMINGLY
INNOCENT BYSTANDER,
EASILY OVERLOOKED.

A FLY
ON THE PROJECTOR!

OH...YES, YES, SO IT IS.

IF THE FLY'S INNOCENT,
THAT CAN ONLY MEAN...

THE PERPETRATOR
IS SOMEONE ELSE.

GUARD! GUARD!

NO MORE QUESTIONS FOR NOW,
MR. FERRET, ER, WHATEVER.

DON'T LEAVE TOWN.

THE TOP OF THIS
SOUND STAGE

WAS BUILT IN 1925
AT A COST OF $5,000.

THE BOTTOM HALF WAS
COMPLETED IN 1929.

SPACEDUCK IS
MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE.

I'M GOING TO ENSURE
PART 12 GETS MADE.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR DAD?

WE'LL BE CAREFUL
HE DOESN'T FIND US.

BESIDES, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THEY PAY

FOR SCRIPTS
IN THIS TOWN?

I AM ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE
AN EMOTIONAL MOMENT.

IT SHOULD BE CAPTURED
FOR POSTERITY.

THAT IDIOT A.F. ARRET
STILL WON'T SELL
HIS STUDIO.

NOW DARKWING DUCK
COMPLICATES MY SCENARIO.

THIS STUDIO SITS
ATOP MORE WEALTH
THAN I CAN IMAGINE.

SEE HOW
THE OIL FLOWS.

MY PLAN WAS FLAWLESS--

A MULTIMILLION DOLLAR
FAILURE

DRIVING THE STUDIO
INTO BANKRUPTCY

SO I COULD BUY IT
FOR PEANUTS.

A CLOSE-UP.

MY SCRIPT NOW REQUIRES
A SMALL REVISION.

THE INCLUSION OF ONE MORE
TRAGIC ACCIDENT.

IRIS OUT.

THERE'S SOMETHING FISHY
AROUND HERE.

ANY TUSKERNINNI PICTURE
HAS TO BE RATED "D"

FOR DEVIOUS, DANGEROUS,
AND, UH, ROTTEN.

WHAT ABOUT DEMENTED,
DISHONEST, DREADFUL?

DESIST!

WE MUST REMAIN
ON OUR--GUARD?

JOHN.

MARSHA.

JOHN.

OH, MARSHA.

I'VE LEARNED
FROM THE JANITOR,
FORMER VICE PRESIDENT--

JOHN.
MARSHA.

THE STUDIO IS
IN FINANCIAL TROUBLE.

IN FACT, SOMEONE'S TRYING
TO BUY THE PLACE.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT
THIS GLORIA SWANSONG?

SHE'S BEEN--
EN GARDE!

MARRIED 27 TIMES.
ALL HER HUSBANDS DIED.

THERE ARE RUMORS
ABOUT--TOUCHE!

A PHANTOM,

THE GHOST OF HER FIRST
EX-HUSBAND.

[CRASH]

GOOD GOING.

YOUR DETECTION
SKILLS IMPRESS ME.

ACTUALLY, I READ IT
IN A TABLOID.

IN THIS SCENE, THE COUNT
AND COUNTESS LEARN

OF THE PEASANT
REVOLUTION.

I DON'T WANT
TO DO THIS.

KEEP YOUR
CULOTTES ON, PAL.

DARKWING DUCK
IS HERE.

NO ONE SABOTAGES
THIS PRODUCTION
WHILE I'M HERE.

OK, AKIRA, ROLL 'EM.

HEY! WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE SPACE ALIENS?

ACTION!

THE ACTOR WAS SAFE.

NO DETAIL WOULD ESCAPE
THE DUCK'S EAGLE EYE.

IT'S...IT'S THE PHANTOM!

SPRING FORWARD!

FALL BACK.

[GASP]

OH, MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS.

"DARKWING DOPE,
INCOMPETENT CRIME FIGHTER,

STANDS BY
AS ANOTHER ACTOR'S
NEARLY KILLED."

DON'T TAKE IT
TOO HARD.

NOBODY READS
THAT RAG ANYWAY.

TO YOUR LEFT,

DARKWING DOPE,
INCOMPETENT CRIME FIGHTER.

I'M GETTING
TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!

NOW, THE CLASSIC MOMENT
WHEN THE PHANTOM IS UNMASKED.

COULDN'T WE WAIT
TILL IT'S ON VIDEO?

I'LL CHECK
THIS WAY, AND--

GO AHEAD. IMPOSE
ON MY GOOD NATURE.

I WILL NOT SELL
FOR $20,000

AND 42 CENTS!

YAAH!

$20,000.50?
YES, I'M LISTENING.

HELLO?

HELLO!

SELL THE STUDIO?

THAT'S BOGUS.
NO WAY, MR. FERRET.

GOSALYN, THAT'S
MR. ARRET,

THE A.F. ARRET.

WHATEVER.

BABY, SWEETCAKES,
BREAK OUT THE CONTRACTS,

'CAUSE WHEN YOU
HEAR MY IDEAS...

PICTURE THIS--

HUMONGOUS FISH VAMPIRES,

THESE TREMENDOUS FANGS

DRIPPING GOOEY BLOOD,

FLYING
FROM THEIR AQUARIUMS,

RIPPING NECKS OPEN.

SO, WE GOT A SALE HERE?

GUARD!

SLEEP ON IT.

WE'LL DO LUNCH.

I THOUGHT WE CAME
TO HELP YOUR DAD.

OH, YEAH, SURE.
THAT, TOO.

HOW CAN I SOLVE THIS

IF I'M THROWN OVER WALLS
EVERY FIVE MINUTES?

WHEW! HE ALMOST
SAW US THAT TIME.

WESTERNS, WEDDING,
WOLFMAN...

PHANTOMS! PERFECT!

NOW DAD WON'T SEE US.

ORSON, THIS HAS GONE ON
LONG ENOUGH.

I'M TIRED OF GETTING
HEAVED OVER WALLS.

HOLD IT!

THE FIRE
IN THOSE EYES,

ANOTHER
ANGRY YOUNG MAN.

I ADMIT
I'M ANNOYED, BUT--

CAMERA!

WHY DIDN'T
I SEE IT BEFORE--

THAT CLASSIC PROFILE?

YOU LIKE IT?

THAT BEAK!

OH,
SO ROMANESQUE.

RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

YOU'RE BORN
TO PLAY THE HERO.

YOU THINK SO?

I SUPPOSE I COULD,

NOT THAT I'M
INTERESTED IN FAME.

IT WOULD LET ME
WORK INSIDE,

ACT AS BAIT
FOR THE VILLAIN.

UH...
HERE, MR. PHANTOM.

HERE, BOY.

HA-HAVEN'T SEEN ANY
PH-PHANTOMS AROUND,
HAVE YOU?

OOoohh!

OOoohh!

AAH!

PLAY-ACTING
IN A MOVIE.

THE THINGS I DO
TO SOLVE CRIMES.

MY OWN DRESSING ROOM
WITH MY OWN STAR.

"CITIZEN DUCK--

STARRING
DUCKWING DUCK!"

OHH!
OOH!
AAH!

I MIGHT GET
MY OWN TV SERIES!

DARKWING, YOU'RE A HERO,
NOT A MOVIE STAR.

OF COURSE,
I COULD BE BOTH.

OUR HERO
WILL BE PLAYED BY
MR. DARKWING DUCK.

I'M NOT PLAYING OPPOSITE
THAT HAM OF A DUCK!

PLEASE, MY DEAR.

AFTER THE ACCIDENTS,

NO ACTOR IN TOWN
WILL TAKE THE PART.

THE HERO RETURNS
TO FIND LULUBELLE'S
SALOON AFLAME.

SALOON?

MAESTRO,
WHAT EVER HAPPENED

TO THE SPACE ALIENS?

THAT IS THE THEME
OF MY FILM.

WE'VE ALL
BECOME ALIENS
IN OUR OWN SOCIETY.

LIGHTS, CAMERA,
AND ACTION!

HAVE NO FEAR,
MY LOVE,

LEAP!
I SHALL SAVE YOU.

HAVE NO FEAR,
MY LOVE,

LEAP AND I--

OH, MY. ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?

I FEEL LIKE
A MILLION DUCKS--BUCKS.

IT MUST'VE BEEN
THAT PHANTOM.

PHANTOM, SCHMANTOM.
A STAR'S BEING BORN.

LET'S TRY AGAIN.

TAKE TWO!

HAVE NO FEAR, MY--

TAKE THREE!

AAH!

HA!

[AROO]

READY WHEN
YOU ARE, C.B.

THIS ISN'T
HOW IT'S WRITTEN!

SEE PAGE 33?

DARKWING DUCK DIES.

THE BRILLIANT DIRECTOR
TAKES OVER THE STUDIO!

IN THIS SCENE,

THE HERO PARACHUTES
TO SAVE THE HEROINE.

ARE YOU SURE
THIS IS SAFE?

MAYBE I OUGHT TO
HAVE A STUNT DOU--

AAH!

KEEP YOUR COOL.

YOU'VE BEEN
IN WORSE SCRAPES,

LIKE THE TIME
WHEN YOU--

COME TO THINK
OF IT,

THIS IS ABOUT
AS BAD AS IT GETS!

AAH!

THERE IS
A PHANTOM!

YOU AND YOUR
DEAD HUSBANDS.

THIS IS
ALL YOUR FAULT!

ANOTHER
EXPENSIVE TAKE!

OOH!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

SO MUCH FOR
THE LAMBADA LESSONS.

THE PHANTOM MUST HAVE
SABOTAGED THE PARACHUTE.

I'M PUTTING AN END
TO THIS PHANTOM!

OTHERWISE, I'LL NEVER
GET MY CLOSE-UP.

I OUGHT TO BE
MEMORIZING LINES,

NOT HUNTING PHANTOMS.

I GOT TO GET
AN AGENT.

OOoohh!

SO, WE MEET
AT LAST, MISTER--

PHANTOM?

AHA!
NOW YOU'RE--

MINE?

WHOA!

NO!

UNUSUAL WEATHER
WE'VE BEEN HAVING.

AHA! THE PHANTOM!

YEOW!

AAH!

QUICKLY!
THE TIME HAS COME

TO FILM
YOUR FINAL SCENE.

THE HERO IS TRAPPED
IN THE CIRCUS WAGON

WHICH THE VILLAIN
HAS RINGED

WITH TONS
OF EXPLOSIVES.

AND NOW,
DARKWING DUCK,

LET'S PROCEED
WITH WHAT SHALL BE

THE FINAL SCENE
FOR YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS.

LAUNCHPAD, SWANSONG,
MR. FERRET...

WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?

THIS ISMY SCENE!

AND INDEED,
IT WILL BE--

YOUR DEATH SCENE.

HA HA HA HA!

IT'S THE PHANTOM!

IS THAT YOU--

THADDEUS, BUD, OLIVER,

LOU, STAN, ANATOLE,

VLADIMIR, YUSEF, RICK!

WAIT A MINUTE!

LET'S REWIND AND
RUN FROM THE TOP.

THE LEADING MAN'S
INJURED ON LOCATION.

HIS REPLACEMENT'S
PUT OUT OF COMMISSION

BY A PHANTOM.

AS FOR THE ALIENS,
BEATS ME.

IT WAS DECIDED THAT
I TAKE OVER THE ACTING--

BRILLIANT DECISION,

ONLY TO HAVE SOMEONE
TRY TO KILL ME.

I WAS SAVED FROM DEATH
BY THE PHANTOM.

AND THE ALIENS,
I DON'T KNOW!

THEN I'M IN A WAGON
ABOUT TO BE BLOWN UP

WITHOUT A SPACE MONSTER
IN SIGHT,

LEADING ME TO CONCLUDE

THAT THE DIRECTOR,
MY ARCHENEMY TUSKERNINNI,

IS BEHIND IT ALL.

WITH THE ASSISTANCE
OF THE PHANTOM.

AT LAST,
THIS OIL-RICH LAND
WILL BE MINE!

IF I HAD
MY GUN...

AND NOW,
ONE FINAL TIME--

LIGHTS, CAMERA,
ACT--

[SIREN SOUNDS]

HA HA HA!

OOPS.

IF THERE ARE
NO OBJECTIONS,

WE'LL CONCLUDE
THIS DRAMA.

OOoohh!

AGAIN?

OOoohh!

I--I--UH...

OHH.

YOU'RE THE HERO.

I DEMAND
YOU SAVE ME.

IT'S YOUR DUTY.

IT'S MY FIRST HUSBAND,
UM, UH...

NEWT BLEMMER.

I THOUGHT YOU'D DIED
IN THE AMAZON

DURING
A LEMMING STAMPEDE.

I GAVE UP
MY ACTING CAREER.

I BECAME
A HOUSEHUSBAND.

IT'S NOT TRUE!

HE WAS A LOUSY COOK
AND COULDN'T DO WINDOWS!

I COULD'VE BEEN
A CONTENDER.

NOW I'LL GET
TOP BILLING!

WHOA!

I GUESS
YOUR LAST ACT

WILL BE IN
THE ST. CANARD PRISON

FOR THE CRIMINALLY
UNTALENTED.

BUT MY MASTERPIECE,
MY CLASSIC--

IT REMAINS
UNFINISHED.

WITH THIS OIL,

I'LL MAKE THE PICTURE
ANY WAY I WANT.

ANY WAY I WANT.

I'LL HELP YOU
FINISH YOUR MOVIE.

CREEPING ZOMBIES
WITH CHAIN SAWS EVERYWHERE.

IT ENDS WITH
A CLOSE-UP OF ME.

I LIKE IT ENDING
WITH THOSE CIRCLES,

GETTING SMALLER
TILL IT'S ALL BLACK.

ZOMBIES.

MY FACE.

IF I WAS
DIRECTING, I'D--

CUT!

THE END.