Darkwing Duck (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 11 - Paraducks - full transcript

[man singing]
♪ Daring Duck of mystery ♪

♪ Champion of right ♪

♪ Swoops out of the shadows

♪ Darkwing of the night ♪

♪ Somewhere some villain schemes ♪

♪ But his number's up ♪

♪ 3, 2, 1! ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ When there's trouble you call D.W. ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

Let's get dangerous.



♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing, Darkwing Duck! ♪

♪ A cloud of smoke and he appears ♪

♪ The master of surprise ♪

♪ Who's that cunning mind behind ♪

♪ The shadowy disguise? ♪

♪ Nobody knows for sure ♪

♪ The bad guys are out of luck ♪

♪ Here comes ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Look out! ♪

♪ When there's trouble you call D.W. ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Let's get dangerous! ♪



♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ You better watch out, you bad boys ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

[Gosalyn] This isn't my school.

Excellent deduction, Gosalyn.

I'm stopping to deliver
this top-secret package.

To a garage?

It only looks like a garage.

It's really a SHUSH lab.

Oh, right, camouflage.

Well, what do you know.

This is where my old school used to be.

And right over there was my house.

Hey, I thought you said
you had to walk 12 miles to school.

No, just get back in the car.

I've got a delivery to make.

Or rather, Darkwing Duck's
has a delivery to make.

Now, wait there,
and don't get into any trouble.

Really? What kind of person
does he think I am?

Need I remind you about the time of
floor wax, the peanut butter and my VCR?

That was an accident.

[Darkwing] Just stay put.

Oh, big deal.

So it's a top-secret lab
full of totally cool spy stuff.

Does that mean I'm gonna let
curiosity get the better of me?

You bet!

[Darkwing] I am the terror that flaps in--

Yipe!

[J. Gander] Ah, Darkwing, old boy.

Hello, J. Gander.

I believe you know Sara Bellum here.

She is just demonstrating
a remarkable new device.

It gives the appearance
of an ordinary stuffed bear,

but is capable of firing
over a hundred poison darts

with pinpoint accuracy.

We hope to have it ready
in time for the holidays.

Wow! With this stuff,
even I could ace the science fair.

Keen gear!

No doubt,
this insignificant-looking package

I brought you

contains a mysterious secret,
vital to the safety of the free world.

"Greatest Polka Hits"?

You needed a superhero to guard oompahs?

They're not just ordinary oompahs.

Uh-oh. Better hide.

[Bellum]
You see, the tape actually contains

encoded programming information
for my latest top-secret invention.

Behold!

The world's first time machine.

Wow!

It's just what I always thought
a time machine would look like.

That's the refrigerator.

This is the time machine.

The golf cart?

[Bellum] The oompahs operate
its time-control mechanism.

Does it really work?

Well, it hasn't been tested yet.

[Darkwing] And what do these do?

Careful there, Darkwing.
That's SHUSH property.

[Darkwing laughing]

Oh, what do you know? It works.

Whoa!

Oh! Time travel!

Gosalyn, didn't I tell you
to wait in the car?

And miss this?

[Gosalyn] Whoa!

Weird-o-rama!

Something tells me
we're not in St. Canard anymore.

Check it out! A tyrannosaurus!

-Ah!
-[growls]

Great. Now where are we?

I'd say we're in prehistoric times.

[wolf whistle]

[tires screeching]

I don't believe it. This is my old school.

Hey, I think I know that kid.

[grunts]

[whines] Lamont.

[laughs mockingly]
What's the matter, Drakey?

Aw, did I mush your little comic book?

Drakey? That little geek is you?

No. It can't be.

Come on, Drakey.

My brother's got a gig for us, man.

[stuttering]
Oh, b-b-but it might be dangerous.

Ow!

Ow... ow... ow...

Hey, he can't do that to me.

Whoa! Dad, don't you watch
any time-travel movies?

You can't butt into the past.

It'll change the future,
and we're the future.

Scary thought, huh?

Ah, you're right.

Besides, you'll see,
Drakey's not in any real trouble.

[chuckles]

It's probably just a clever trick.

Yeah, to fool everyone
into thinking he's a...

A wimp?

I'm not-- Drakey's no wimp.

Come on! I'll prove it.

[Drakey whining] Lamont... please.

No more noogies.

Hey, Boxcar.

You're late.
The king's gonna be here any second.

[Drakey] He's not the real king.

[stuttering] My b-b-big b-b-brother!

[singing]
♪ There's plenty to fear ♪

♪ I'm a thief with no peer ♪

♪ The one, the only, the king is here ♪

♪ I'm gonna swipe everything I see ♪

♪ The mountains and the molehills ♪

♪ All belong to me ♪

♪ There's nowhere to run ♪

♪ Nowhere to hide ♪

♪ No one to stop me
And you know they've tried ♪

♪ Don't you know now that I'm the king ♪

♪ They'll never catch me ♪

♪ This king can sing ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Now here's a little secret
That I'll reveal ♪

♪ This king is in love
And the name is Cecille ♪

♪ She's pretty as a girl
With a voice so sweet ♪

♪ She'll knock you wham-bam
Right off of your feet ♪

♪ People say I'm in love
There can be no doubt ♪

♪ Oh, darlin' ♪

♪ Cecille is the one
That'll knock you out ♪

♪ So now you know What I'm all about ♪

♪ Cecille's a bad girl And I'm no scout ♪

♪ So tell me now where
You keep the bills? ♪

♪ Cough up the cash
Or start writin' your will ♪

♪ Now, step back, Jack,
I'm the hand of fate ♪

♪ Gonna crack that safe
Like an egg on a plate ♪

♪ Cecille ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

[explosion]

They must have gone
into one of these stores.

[explosion]

And I think I have an idea which one.

Wow! Look at all this money.

Aha, aha.

Freeze, evildoers,

or face the wrath of Darkwing--

-Ack!
-Are you crazy?

If you use your gas gun on them,

who knows what could happen
to us in the future?

[coughs] I had a feeling
I wasn't going to like time travel.

[clears throat, giggles]
Just go on about your business.

Pretend you never saw us.

Whoa. That's one way-out cat.

Guess, things aren't always
how you remember them, uh, Dad?

I can't believe it, Gos.
Me, a common criminal.

Take it easy, Dad.

You weren't a common criminal.

You were a really geeky one.

OK. We're back.

Now, stay out of sight,

until I can distract
Dr. Bellum and Director Hooter.

Uh, the place looks different.

Ah, they must have dusted
while we were gone.

[Hooter] Trouble, Bellum?

[Bellum] It's a coolant problem, Hooter.

Ah! Director Hooter, Dr. Bellum.

Boy, am I glad to see... you.

Oh, oh, I get it. [nervous chuckle]

You're working undercover, right?

Well, I brought you back
your time machine.

Uh, time machine?

Uh, gotta tell ya, those disguises
would look a lot better

if you'd lose those stupid wigs.

Ow!

Oops.

Look, creep,
unless you want a knuckle sandwich,

take your machine and get out of here.

Uh, maybe I'd better come
back some other time.

[horn honks]

The king of St. Canard.

The what of where?

[tires screeching]

This is all getting very strange.

[fanfare]

[chuckles rhythmically]

Him? What's he doing here?

What are you doing here?

Here she is, Your Coolness.

Yuck!

You look even geekier than before.

[stuttering] B-b-but it can't be!

Hey, look what we found.

Well, the King's sorry
to bust in on you like this,

but y'all are late with your taxes.

But we paid you
everything we had yesterday.

Well, that was yesterday,

and yesterday's gone, gone, gone.

My, my.

[chuckling] The King's sorry about that.

Yeah, Lamont, baby.

It's time to get
a whole lot of shaking going on.

[poofs]

[Darkwing]
I'm the terror that flaps in the night.

I'm the cloud that rains
on your hit parade.

Ow!

I am Darkwing Duck!

Hey, nice act.
Why don't you take it on the road?

[muffled talking]

Whoa! Let me out of here!

Uh, say, whatcha gonna do to him,
big brother?

Well, I thought I'd give
our little show-stopper

an overhaul. [chuckles]

[gasp]

[stammering] But that looks dangerous.

Yeah, you worry too much
about what's dangerous, Drakey baby.

Anyhow, it ain't you
that's going to get cream-ola'd.

[muffled] Hey, will you let me outta here?

Stop it! Ah!

Hey, let me outta here, you cash cow.

-Let me go!
-Any last requests, baby?

Uh, how about a medley
of your greatest hits, big brother?

Uh, what do you say, baby?

I know all the golden oldies.

How about a polka?

Uhm, baby...

The king don't polka.

[polka music]

Hey...

[King] Yeow!

[crash]

[muffled] Get me out of here, y'all!

Ah!

Let's rock him!

Ow!

[Gosalyn] Oh, wow, I can't believe it.

You changed the present.

That goon with the guitar
became king of St. Canard.

And you became...

another wimpizoid.

All right, we are back.

And this time I'm stopping
that swivel-hipped hooligan.

One small problem, Dad.

What? Another time-travel rule?

Nope. We're too late.

[King] Come on, little buddy. Let's split.

[Darkwing] A minor setback.

Where'd everybody go?

[screech] Ah!

Hiya, Drakey.

[stammering] Uh, do--do--do I know you?

Well, not yet, but you will.

I'm Gosalyn, and this is you--

[giggles] I mean, this is Darkwing Duck.

The terror that flaps!

Don't mind him.
He's just a little overdramatic.

It's part of being a superhero.

A superhero?

You're a real superhero?

Just like Superpig?

In the flesh-- uh, feathers.

Wow. Are you faster than a speeding bullet

and more powerful
than a locomotive and stuff?

[stammering] Well, I--I--I can--

No, I'm not.

Uh, yeah, look, we're trying
to find the guy they call the King.

Oh, but it could be dangerous.

Not half as dangerous as me.

OK. I'll take you to his hideout.

[Darkwing] We'll show that phony

you can't make fun of the real King
and get away with it.

Now, pay attention, Drakey.

The first rule of superheroing

is always utilize the element of surprise.

-[popping noise]
-Ah!

Whoa...

Whoa!

[all screaming] Ah!

[crash]

I have to admit, I was surprised.

Well, I hate surprises.

Too bad...

'cause here's another one.

Uh, that hound dog just done
and went and made the King real mad.

[loud guitar sound]

[crash]

And you know what?

-What, big brother?
-[birds chirping]

That duck is cruisin' for a bruisin'.

Oh! Uh-huh.

Hyah!

Now go ahead. You try it.

Hyah!

Oh, what's the use?
I'll never be a superhero.

They have superpowers like Superpig.

Super phooey.

All a hero needs is
a little courage, confidence,

and a clean cape.

Why don't you try that kick again?

Oh, all right.

-Hyah!
-Oh!

Sorry. I didn't mean to--

[coughs] Don't mention it.

Kick was just perfect, Drakey.

Just perfect.

Really?

Hiya, you, Drakey-wakey.

[trembling voice] Lamont...

Remember, courage and confidence.
Hyah, hyah.

Hi-ya?

Hiya? Yo, Drakey, you're tougher
than I thought.

How's about joining our gang?

No way. Superheroes don't join gangs.

Oh, right, well, if you change your mind,

we'll be knocking
over Royal Records tonight.

What do you know, maybe you weren't
such a wimp after all.

[Lamont laughing]
The little wimp fell for it.

He really thought I was afraid of him.

Smooth move, little brother.

Looks like our trap's all set.

Which means there's going to be
some mighty good rockin' tonight.

Well, this is Royal Records.

Records? They're like big CDs, right?

Cleverly anticipating
his opponent's every move,

Darkwing Duck prepares
to turn the turntables

on the rascally rock 'n' roll robber.

Don't worry.
The only weapon a superhero needs

is a, well, it's--

You know, I'm beginning to see
the resemblance here.

Ready, Drakey?

[stuttering] Um, d-d-don't you think
this is all to dangerous?

Oh, come on, Drakey.
There's nothing up here but records.

Yeah. Mostly rhythm and bruise.

So glad y'all showed up for my latest hit.

Ugh!

[stammering] I knew it'd be dangerous.

[Gosalyn and Darkwing exclamating]

Looks like these two could use a little

dancin' music, Lamont.

Uh-huh.

You got it, big brother.

[King] Come on, babies.

Let's rock on down,
and snag us some of those gold records.

[Gosalyn and Darkwing whimpering]

What am I gonna do?

[Drakey] What would Superpig do?

Ooh! Ooh!

[Darkwing] Get baff, you billars!

Oh!

Forget about Superpig.

What would Darkwing Duck do?

Oh, I know. Let's get dangerous!

[Gosalyn and Darkwing] Whoa!

Aah...

Yipe!

Bubble gum?

I was saved by bubble gum?

Somebody's messing with the King's music.

Look! It's Drakey Mallard.

I'm the toddler that naps in the night.

What?

I am Dark-- Whoa!

Ah!

Don't just stand there.
Get the King back his hair!

Let's get dangerous

and knock that King impersonator
right off the charts.

[King] Don't be cruel, now.

Hand over the rug.

OK...

-[Drakey] Fetch!
-[King] No!

Ah!

Incoming!

OK, Kingy, baby,

let's see how do you like
a little shake, rattle, and roll?

[singing]
♪ There's nothing to fear ♪

♪ 'Cause Darkwing is here ♪

♪ The prince of the night ♪

♪ The duck of the year ♪

♪ I am the terror that
Flaps in the night ♪

♪ The baddest of good ♪

♪ The champion of right ♪

♪ I'm everywhere at
Once and nowhere at all ♪

♪ You get in my way
And you'll take a fall ♪

♪ Before you fail, before you split ♪

♪ I'd like to play my biggest hit ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I never will rest 'till
All the punks are in jail ♪

♪ They're all scared of me ♪

♪ There's not one I can't nail ♪

♪ They never know where I'll strike ♪

♪ They never know where I'll be ♪

♪ I am the greatest from sea to sea ♪

♪ I put an end to all schemes and scams ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm Darkwing Duck,
That's who I am ♪

♪ Don't mess with me,
You worthless punk ♪

♪ You stink like a skunk,
Your ship is sunk ♪

♪ You run into me,
You're plum out of luck ♪

♪ 'Cause now you're up
Against Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ So don't you worry
Your pretty little head ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm Darkwing Duck
That's what I said ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ♪

Take that!

[Darkwing] Um, anybody got a broom?

Whoa...

My mama told me not to become a musician.

[Drakey]
And so, with the villainous vocalist

and his lyrical lackeys safely locked up,

the fearless Darkwing Drakey

can at last breathe easily.

[policeman] Well, nice work, son.

Funny clothes, though.

Oh, I didn't do so much.

It was Darkwing Duck who--

Hey, where'd he go?

I still don't get

why you don't remember a duck in a cape
helping you when you were a kid?

A perplexing puzzlement, indeed,

especially with my photographic memory.

Now, uh, where the heck
did I park that time machine?

Dad...

I knew that.

[rock music] Uh-huh, uh-huh, baby.

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪

♪ Darkwing Duck ♪