Daria (1997–2001): Season 4, Episode 3 - A Tree Grows in Lawndale - full transcript
Quarterback Kevin hurts his knee and can't play. The football team loses big time making all the students at Lawndale High losers.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- KEVIE,
YOU LOOK LIKE SUCH A REBEL
IN YOUR NEW JACKET.
- THANKS, BABE.
YO, CHECK THIS OUT.
- IS THIS WHAT YOU EARTH PEOPLE
CALL "NECKING"?
- NO, I MEAN,
CHECK OUT THE NEW KEVIN.
- YOU'LL NOTE
HE DIDN'T SAY "IMPROVED."
- THAT'S 'CAUSE HE'S A REBEL.
- WHERE'S THE BIKE?
- HUH?
- THAT'S A MOTORCYCLE JACKET.
IT'S MADE OUT OF LEATHER
TO PROTECT YOU FROM SCRAPES
WHEN YOUR HEAD'S BOUNCING
OFF THE GRILLE OF A TRUCK.
- IF YOU'RE JUST WEARING IT
FOR STYLE,
THEN IT'S A WASTE
OF A PERFECTLY GOOD COW.
- YOU WOULDN'T
WEAR SHOULDER PADS
IF YOU DIDN'T PLAY FOOTBALL.
- OR WOULD YOU?
- IS YOUR CUTLERY
HOLDING AN EDGE...
OR GOING OVER ONE?
- DIARY OF A MAD STEAK KNIFE
TONIGHT
ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- HONESTLY, RITA,
I DON'T CARE IF MOTHER'S PAYING
FOR YOUR NEW FAMILY ROOM.
- MAYBE SHE CAN GET A NEW FAMILY
TO GO WITH IT.
- WHAT?
THAT WAS DARIA.
SHE'S, UH,
PRACTICING FOR A SCHOOL PLAY.
- A SALESMAN'S GOT TO DREAM,
BOY.
- DAMN NEIGHBOR'S DOG
GOT INTO THE TRASH AGAIN!
NOW THERE'S GARBAGE
ALL OVER THE STREET.
THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
THERE WILL BE ABANDONED CARS
ON THE FRONT LAWNS.
- I'LL RUN OUT
AND PICK UP SOME CEMENT BLOCKS
BEFORE THEY'RE ALL SOLD OUT.
- JAKE, CALM DOWN.
RITA,
I'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK.
YES, I WILL...
VERY, VERY SOON.
- HELEN,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN PROPERTY VALUES COLLAPSE?
- IS IT ANYTHING LIKE
WHEN GOOD PETS GO BAD?
- WHAT IF WE CAN'T GET
A DECENT PRICE
WHEN WE SELL THIS PLACE?
YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA MOVE IN
WITH YOUR SISTER?
- OR SHOULD I ALSO
PICK UP A COPY
OF THE JONESTOWN
BARTENDER'S HANDBOOK?
- [scoffs]
- AGH!
- JAKE,
YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
NOTHING IS GOING TO AFFECT
THE VALUE OF THIS HOUSE
SHORT OF AN EARTHQUAKE.
- WE'RE ON A FAULT LINE TOO?
- OH, LOOK,
THE CIRCUS IS COMING TO TOWN.
- ON WHAT APPEARS TO BE
A VERY FAST LAWN MOWER.
[engine revving]
- HEY, JANE, DARIA.
- MEAN MACHINE.
WHERE'S YOUR SHRINER'S FEZ?
- DON'T WE LOOK LIKE REBELS?
- OH, YEAH.
THAT CRICKET IN YOUR FRONT TEETH
IS VERY JAMES DEAN.
- WHAT?
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,
BRITTANY.
IT'S DEAD.
- EWW!
I'M GONNA NEED NEW TEETH.
- I'M SURE THE GUYS IN WOODSHOP
CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING.
- BEFORE FIRST PERIOD?
DON'T THINK SO.
- YOU KNOW,
YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED
TO RIDE THOSE THINGS
WITHOUT A HELMET.
- HEY, I DON'T FOLLOW "RULES."
I'M REBELLENT.
- DID HE SAY "REPELLENT"?
- SEEMS LIKE HE SHOULD HAVE,
DOESN'T IT?
- WELL, WELL,
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE,
A BABE MAGNET
WITH A SEAT BUILT FOR ONE?
HOLD ON TIGHT,
LUSCIOUS LADY.
- HEY, POP A WHEELIE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
[together]
YEAH, POP A WHEELIE, COOL.
- COME ON, POP A WHEELIE.
- I LOVE WHEELIES.
- UH... OKAY.
[engine revving]
- GEE, THIS WON'T END BADLY.
- YOU KNOW,
WE ARE THE ONES
WHO TOLD HIM
TO GET A MOTORCYCLE.
- HEY, IF WE TOLD HIM
TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE,
WOULD HE DO THAT?
- DON'T KNOW.
WE'LL TRY THAT NEXT TIME.
- NOW, I KNOW I SAW THAT
PONCH GUY DO THIS ON CHIPS.
[engine revving]
[tires squealing]
MY KNEE!
[screams]
- UH-OH, I THINK THE WILD ONE'S
GOT A BOO-BOO.
- HEY, YOU BROKE
THE TOMMY SHERMAN MEMORIAL TREE.
- GOOD THING HE'S DEAD,
OR HE'D REALLY LET YOU HAVE IT.
- THIS IS SORT OF LIKE
WHAT HAPPENED
AT MY FOURTH BIRTHDAY PARTY,
ONLY IT INVOLVED A TINY TRICYCLE
AND A CHIMP.
- THE DIFFERENCE BEING?
- OH, KEVIE,
I DON'T CARE IF YOU SQUISHED
THE TOMMY SHERMAN MEMORIAL TREE.
I STILL LOVE YOU.
- TOMMY SHERMAN WAS THE
GREATEST Q.B. LAWNDALE EVER HAD.
I TOO WAS A QUARTERBACK ONCE.
NOW I'M JUST A...
ONE-KNEE GUY.
- BUT YOUR KNEE WILL HEAL.
- WHEN?
FACE IT, BRIT,
YOU'VE GOT CHEERLEADER-TYPE
ACTIVE WOMANLY NEEDS,
AND LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME!
KISSING ME NOW WOULD BE LIKE
KISSING ONE OF THOSE GUYS
WHO WEAR OLD-MAN PANTS
AND WATCH TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL.
- KEVIE, NO!
- BABE,
IT'S GOT TO BE THIS WAY.
- NO, IT CAN BE LIKE BEFORE.
LET ME BRING YOU A GATORADE.
- NO, ONLY SPORTSMEN
CAN DRINK SPORTS DRINKS.
FROM NOW ON,
I DRINK YOO-HOO.
- NO!
[sobbing]
[bell rings]
THEN HE SAID THAT HIS ARMPITS
WOULD KNOW
ONLY THE EMBRACE
OF HIS CRUTCHES.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- I DON'T KNOW,
BUT IT SOUNDS BAD,
LIKE KEVIE'S ARMPITS
HAVE FEELINGS BUT NOT FOR ME.
NOW WHAT DO I DO
WITH LIPS SO EMPTY, SO YEARNING?
- LIPS?
SO WE'RE OFF THE ARMPIT THING?
- YOU KNOW, IF YOU BREAK UP
BRITTANY'S ATTEMPT AT THOUGHT,
IT LOOKS LIKE
A MYSTIK SPIRAL SONG.
- "ARMPITS HAVE FEELINGS
BUT NOT FOR ME.
NOW WHAT DO I DO
WITH LIPS EMPTY?"
HMM, ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT
TO REPLACE "LIPS" WITH "SKULL"?
- IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS.
- OH, WHAT'S THIS?
- NOTHING.
- PLEASE, DARIA,
ANY FORM OF EXPRESSION
IS CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION.
I SEE YOU'VE CHOSEN TO CELEBRATE
IN THE WAY OF VERSE.
- THE ONLY THING HERE
IN THE WAY OF VERSE
MIGHT BE
ITS COMPLETE LACK OF QUALITY.
- YOU'RE BEING JUDGMENTAL,
DARIA,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
JUDGE... AND YOU GET MENTAL.
- AND YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY...
- LIFE SUCKS,
AND THEN YOU DIE?
- THIS IS SO DEEP BUT SO SAD.
DARIA, ARE YOU DEPRESSED?
I MEAN, MORE THAN USUAL?
- NOT ME.
- BRITTANY?
- WHAT?
UM... HERE?
PRESENT?
- COME ON, MAN,
IT'S JUST A SPRAINED KNEE.
YOU'VE GOT TO PLAY.
THE TEAM NEEDS YOU.
- NO, IT DOESN'T.
THE ONLY TEAM THAT NEEDS ME
IS THE ONE THAT SITS
ALL THE TIME: THE CHESS TEAM.
- BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO PLAY CHESS.
- OH, YEAH?
KING ME! KING ME! KING ME!
- I'LL TALK TO YOU
WHEN THE PAINKILLERS WEAR OFF.
- KEVIE,
MR. O'NEILL JUST GAVE ME AN "A"
FOR A POEM
I DIDN'T KNOW I WROTE
AND SAID I SHOULD GET COUNSELING
FOR MY TROUBLED MIND,
AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU,
SO WE HAVE TO GET BACK TOGETHER,
OR MY MIND WILL NEVER
UNTROUBLE ITSELF.
- BABE, THE ONLY WIDE RECEIVERS
I'VE GOT ARE MY CRUTCHES HERE,
AND THEY ONLY CATCH
THE SWEAT OF MY DEFEAT.
- BUT WHAT ABOUT
OUR ETERNAL LOVE
THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO LAST
TILL GRADUATION?
- COULD YOU REALLY DATE A GUY
WHO ISN'T GONNA BE
IN ANY YEARBOOK TEAM PICTURES?
- I... I... OH, NO.
IT REALLY IS OVER.
[sobbing]
- NO TEAM, NO BABE.
I GUESS I'M, LIKE,
ON MY OWN.
WH-WHOA!
- ♪ LA, LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
- IS IT ME,
OR DOES STUDY HALL GO FASTER
WHEN YOU'RE SOMEWHERE ELSE?
- LIFE GOES FASTER
WHEN YOU'RE SOMEWHERE ELSE.
- AWW, LOOK.
THE TOMMY SHERMAN MEMORIAL TREE
IS STILL DEAD.
- I GUESS NOW WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO PLANT SOMETHING
TO MEMORIALIZE IT.
- OH, ANGIE,
I MISS MY KEVIE.
LIFE JUST ISN'T THE SAME
WITHOUT HIS BIG BROWN EYES
AND SPELLBINDING DIMPLES.
- I'D RATHER REMEMBER THE TREE
THAN REMEMBER TOMMY SHERMAN.
- HEY, THAT'S NOT NICE.
YOU WOULDN'T LIKE THAT
IF YOU WERE TOMMY SHERMAN.
- I WOULDN'T LIKE ANYTHING
IF I WERE TOMMY SHERMAN.
IF I WERE TOMMY SHERMAN,
I'D BE DEAD.
All: OH, NO!
OH, GOD, A GHOST!
A GHOST!
- FIRST TOMMY'S TREE IS DEAD,
AND NOW HE'S BACK TO HAUNT US.
- AS THE FOURTH QUARTER
WINDS DOWN,
AND THE SCORE REMAINS
OAKWOOD 21,
LIONS ZIPPERINO,
DOES YOUR HUMBLE ANNOUNCER
DARE TO VENTURE
THAT THE MIGHTY LAWNDALE
"RRRROAR"
HAS TURNED INTO A PLAINTIVE
"MEOW"?
LAWNDALE'S
REPLACEMENT QUARTERBACK,
MAD MACK,
HAS THE BALL,
AND IT LOOKS LIKE
HE'S GOING TO PASS IT TO...
- UGH!
- NOBODY.
BAD BREAK, MAD MACK.
WE FELT THAT ONE IN THE BOX.
- GUYS, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED, SORRY.
- GIVE ME AN "L."
both: "L."
- GIVE ME AN "A."
both: "A"
- GIVE ME AN S-U-X.
LAWNDALE SUCKS, HA.
- THIS IS NO GOOD,
NO GOOD AT ALL.
- AND THE LIONS ONCE MORE
GO DOWN TO DEFEAT.
- I'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT ALL THIS LOSING.
- I JUST HOPE A NEW WARDROBE
IS ENOUGH TO TAKE OUR MINDS
OFF THAT ABYSMAL GAME.
- YEAH, ABYSMAL.
- IF THIS KEEPS UP,
WE MAY HAVE TO HOLD
AN EMERGENCY MEETING
ON THE DATEABILITY
OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
- OH, NO.
- LOOK, ISN'T THIS ADORABLE?
IT'S SO NECK-SLIMMING.
I WONDER IF THEY HAVE IT
IN CHARTREUSE.
EXCUSE ME, MISS?
- WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
I CAN'T BELIEVE
NO ONE'S EVEN OFFERED US
FITTING ROOMS YET.
- YEAH, IT'S LIKE THEY WANT US
TO GET SHOPPER'S CRAMP.
- MISS... OH, MISS?
- GUYS, SOMETHING WEIRD
IS GOING ON.
- [gasps]
- COME ON,
LET'S GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.
AHE-HEM.
TERESA,
IS THERE A LABOR STOPPAGE
WE SHOULD BE APPRISED OF?
NO ONE'S HELPING US.
- IT'S YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM.
THEY'RE... WELL... LOSERS.
- WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO
WITH US?
WE DON'T PLAY FOOTBALL.
- YOU GO TO A LOSER SCHOOL,
AND IT'S NOT GOOD
FOR JUNIOR 5'S IMAGE
TO HAVE LOSERS
WEARING OUR CLOTHES.
- BUT WE'RE NOT LOSERS.
- LOOK, IF YOU DON'T MIND
TAKING TURNS,
I CAN GIVE YOU
FITTING ROOM EIGHT.
- THE UNPOPULAR PEOPLE'S
DRESSING ROOM?
- IT SAYS HERE
ON YOUR TRANSFER FORMS
THAT YOU'VE BEEN IN HIGH SCHOOL
FOR SIX YEARS.
- YEAH,
I HAVE TROUBLE LEARNING STUFF
WHEN PEOPLE MAKE ME MAD.
- BUT YOU DON'T SEEM
TO HAVE TROUBLE
WITH THE OLD PIGSKIN, EH?
UM, WHY WAS YOUR SEASON
CUT SHORT LAST YEAR?
THIS SAYS YOUR OFFENSIVE LINE
HAD A "MISHAP."
- THEY MADE ME MAD.
- AHH.
UH... HEH.
- ZIPPIDY-DO-DAH, ZIPPIDY-AY.
MAKE TOMMY'S SPIRIT
GO FAR, FAR AWAY.
[all screaming]
- ALL RIGHT, GIRLS,
PUFFING PARTY'S OVER.
- OH, NO, YOU RUINED IT.
NOW TOMMY SHERMAN'S GHOST
WILL NEVER GO AWAY.
- WELL, FORGIVE ME
IF I DIDN'T SEE
THE SIGN ON THE DOOR THAT SAID,
"GIRLS' EXORCISM ROOM."
- AND THEN SANDY SAID
SHE DIDN'T KNOW
IF SHE COULD SHOW
HER FACE ANYMORE
AND IS THINKING ABOUT
THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM,
ALTHOUGH NOT IF THEY MAKE YOU
DYE YOUR HAIR
THAT REALLY BRASSY BLONDE.
- THAT'S JUST WHAT
SAMMY "THE BULL" GRAVANO SAID.
- HEY, HERE'S ANOTHER GOOD TOWN
WE CAN MOVE TO.
IT SAYS THE SCHOOLS HAVE
PRODUCED THREE PRO QUARTERBACKS.
- HOW MANY PRO WRESTLERS?
- QUINN,
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE CONSIDERING
THE REST OF THE FAMILY.
- I AM.
WE LIVE IN A LOSER TOWN NOW,
AND THAT CAN'T BE GOOD
AT THAT JOB YOU GO TO.
ONLY LOSERS LIVE
IN LOSER TOWNS.
DO YOU WANT YOUR CLIENTS
THINKING YOU'RE A LOSER?
- HMM.
[tires screeching]
OH, DEAR, YOUR FATHER'S BRAKING
WITH HIS ANGRY FOOT AGAIN.
- IF WE MOVED TO A POPULAR TOWN,
HE'D BE HAPPIER.
- QUINN, WE'RE NOT MOVING.
- THAT'S IT!
WE'RE MOVING.
LOOK AT THIS.
IT SAYS
LAWNDALE HIGH'S FOOTBALL TEAM
IS THE WORST
IN LAWNDALE HISTORY.
IT SAYS LAWNDALE HIGH
IS A SCHOOL FOR LOSERS.
- JAKE,
THAT'S THE LAWNDALE SHOPPER.
IT'S WRITTEN
BY AN 80-YEAR-OLD MAN
WHO, IF YOU RECALL,
HAD TO BE TAKEN OFF HIS ROOF
BY THE FIRE DEPARTMENT,
BECAUSE HE THOUGHT
HE WAS BEING CHASED
BY SCREAMING MICE.
- THAT DOESN'T MEAN
IT ISN'T TRUE.
- OH, DADDY,
MICE DON'T SCREAM.
- YEAH,
YOU'RE THINKING OF LOBSTERS.
WHO'S UP FOR SEAFOOD?
- THE VALUE OF OUR HOME
DESTROYED,
OUR LIFE'S INVESTMENT GONE.
GOOD-BYE RETIREMENT.
GOOD-BYE CONDO
ON THE GOLF COURSE.
HELEN, WE'RE RUINED!
DON'T YOU SEE?
- I SEE YOU SHOPPED ANGRY AGAIN.
NOW, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO
WITH 5 POUNDS OF...
J.T.'S JELLY PORK SHOULDER?
UGH.
- DON'T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY.
IT WAS
THAT LAWNDALE SHOPPER GUY,
THE STORE, THIS TOWN.
THEY ALL TRICKED ME.
- WHICH IS WHY WE HAVE TO MOVE.
- SO MY SISTER'S SCOUTING OUT
NEW ZIP CODES.
MY FATHER'S SO MAD,
HE CAN ONLY SEE THE COLOR RED.
AND THE OTHER DAY,
WHEN MY MOTHER WAS PAYING BILLS,
I CAUGHT HER TRYING TO SMUDGE
HER RETURN ADDRESS LABELS.
MY HOME LIFE
IS BECOMING INTOLERABLE.
- "BECOMING" INTOLERABLE?
- IS THERE SUCH A WORD
AS "INTOLERABLER"?
- HOT STUFF.
HEY, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.
- NO, I DON'T.
- YOU GO TO LAWNDALE HIGH,
RIGHT?
- NO, WE'RE REFORM SCHOOL GALS
LOOKING FOR LOVE
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES.
- THAT'S GOOD,
BECAUSE IF YOU WENT TO LAWNDALE,
YOU'D BE LOSERS.
[laughs]
WHAT A LOSER SCHOOL.
ENJOY NOW, HA.
- GREAT, AND JUST WHEN
I WAS FEELING LIKE A WINNER.
- I TAKE IT YOUR QUARTERBACK
IS STILL WALLOWING IN SELF-PITY.
- I WISH HE'D TRY
SELF-IMMOLATION.
- SPORT BOY NEEDS A REASON
TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF,
AND THERE JUST AREN'T ANY.
- WE COULD TRY SENDING HIM BACK
TO THE THIRD GRADE,
WHERE WINNING
A PASTE-EATING CONTEST
STILL COUNTS FOR SOMETHING.
- ACTUALLY, WHY NOT SEND HIM
BACK TO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL?
- BECAUSE HE'D NEVER MEET
THE ACADEMIC REQUIREMENTS.
- I MEAN AS ONE OF THOSE
SAFETY LECTURERS.
HE COULD TALK ABOUT
HOW STUPID HE WAS
TO WIPE OUT ON HIS BIKE.
THE KIDS WOULD PROBABLY
RATHER LISTEN TO HIM
THAN THEIR TEACHERS,
SO HE'D HAVE A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE
AND FEEL SELF-IMPORTANT AGAIN.
- SO SIMPLE
AND YET SO PERFECT.
DARIA,
WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THAT?
- 'CAUSE WE'RE LAWNDALE LOSERS,
WHO WALLOW IN OUR OWN IGNORANCE
AND FILTH.
WHO WANTS ANOTHER SLICE?
- ♪ LA, LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
- MR. O'NEILL.
- OH, YOU STARTLED ME.
I GUESS ALL THAT TALK
ABOUT GHOSTS AND EXORCISM
HAS PUT ME A LITTLE ON EDGE.
- HEY, WANT TO SEE ME
TWIST MY HEAD AROUND
AND AROUND AND AROUND?
- WE WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT KEVIN.
- WE THINK IT MIGHT PULL HIM
OUT OF HIS SLUMP
IF HE BECAME A SAFETY LECTURER:
TELL KIDS HOW RECKLESS BEHAVIOR
LEADS TO INJURIES.
- THEY DON'T HAVE TO KNOW
HE WAS BRAIN-DAMAGED
BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
- HMM, TURNING A BAD EXPERIENCE
INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE.
GIRLS, I DO BELIEVE
WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE.
- WE ARE?
NOW I'M IN A SLUMP.
- KEVIN,
THE WISDOM YOU IMPART
TO THESE
IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG MINDS
CAN HAVE A PROFOUND EFFECT
UPON THEIR LIVES.
- COOL.
- REMEMBER,
A MAN IS NEVER TALLER
THAN WHEN HE HELPS
THE SMALLEST CHILD.
- [laughs]
BUT WHAT ABOUT
WHEN HE'S WEARING CLEATS?
- UM, JUST GO OUT THERE,
AND TRY NOT TO HURT YOURSELF.
- MY NAME IS KEVIN,
AND I'M A...
- LOUDER.
- MY NAME IS KEVIN,
AND I USED TO BE A REBEL,
BUT NOW
I'M JUST A BIG FAT LOSER.
EVERYWHERE I GO, IT'S LIKE,
"LOOK AT THAT LOSER.
"NICE DAY, LOSER.
MORE CHOCOLATE MILK, LOSER?"
BUT IT WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE THIS.
BEFORE MY BIKE ACCIDENT,
I WAS THE Q.B.
CHICKS LOVE THAT.
All: COOL.
THAT WAS NEAT.
- HOT CHICKS?
- CHEERLEADERS.
All: COOL.
OH, WOW.
- SEE,
MOTORCYCLES ARE DANGEROUS,
ESPECIALLY WHEN
YOU FALL OFF THEM.
HEH, I MEAN,
I'M ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.
I MEAN, I COULD HAVE FALLEN
OFF THE GRAND CANYON
AND HIT MY HEAD ON A ROCK
OR SOMETHING.
THEN I'D BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS
WITH THEIR BRAIN
STICKING OUT OF THEIR EYES AND
THEIR GUTS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
- COOL.
- IN COLLUSION,
MOTORCYCLES CAN WRECK YOUR LIFE
AND MAKE IT
SO YOU CAN'T PLAY FOOTBALL,
AND THAT'S NOT COOL.
SAFETY IS COOL.
ANY QUESTIONS?
- TELL ME ABOUT
THE CHEERLEADERS.
- I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT
THE BLOOD AND GUTS AGAIN.
[all cheering]
- AND THAT'S HOW I SAVED
COUNTLESS YOUTH CHILDREN
AS A WALKING "SAFETY DON'T."
AND WHEN KIDS ARE ABOUT TO DO
SOMETHING DANGEROUS, THEY GO,
"HEY, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
I WANT TO BE LIKE
THAT COOL SAFETY GUY."
- HE'D BE
SUCH A WONDERFUL FATHER.
- OF A COCONUT.
- NOW MY CRUTCHES ARE, LIKE,
MY BEST FEATURE.
- TAKING OVER THE ROLE
FORMERLY PLAYED BY HIS CAR.
- WELL, THIS PLAN
BACKFIRED PERFECTLY.
- KEVIN, THAT REPORT
WAS PEACHY.
- THANKS.
- ALTHOUGH WHAT IT HAS TO DO
WITH THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS,
WHICH WAS YOUR ASSIGNED TOPIC,
I FAIL TO UNDERSTAND.
- UM...
DID EVERYONE GET TO SEE
MY PICTURE?
[whistle blows]
- THIS ISN'T WORKING.
THE NEW GUY,
HE'S GOT SOME WEIRD RULES.
- YOU MEAN WEIRDER THAN STICKING
YOUR BUTT IN THE AIR
AND MAKING A FOOTBALL APPEAR?
- IT'S CALLED A HIKE.
- NOW, I'M GONNA THROW THIS.
IF YOU CATCH IT,
YOU GET TO KICK ME IN THE HEAD.
IF YOU MISS IT,
I'LL KILL YOU.
All: HUH?
NO, I'M NOT PLAYING THAT.
- YOU THINK I'M KIDDING?
WELL, TRY ME, PUNKS.
NOW, GO OUT FOR A PASS,
OR I'LL WASTE YOU RIGHT NOW.
[whistle blows]
OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
HEY, STOP, HEY.
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO RUN
ACROSS THE STREET.
MAN, THIS HAPPENS
EVERYWHERE I GO.
NOBODY KNOWS
HOW TO PLAY FOOTBALL.
[bell rings]
- WHAT'S WITH QUINNY O.?
- SHE'S DRESSING INCOGNITO
UNTIL SHE CAN PERSUADE MY MOTHER
TO RELOCATE US TO BERMUDA.
- YOU SHOULD REALLY
KEEP HER AWAY
FROM OPEN BOTTLES
OF NAIL POLISH.
- OR SCATTER A LOT MORE
OF THEM AROUND.
- DARIA, JANE,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONTRIBUTE
TO THE TOMMY SHERMAN
MEMORIAL TREE FUND?
WE'RE HOPING TO GET HIS GHOST
OUT OF THE GIRLS' ROOM.
- IT TAKES A TREE TO GET HIM
OUT OF THE GIRLS' ROOM?
DID HE TURN INTO A DOG
OR SOMETHING?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
- YOU KNOW, IF YOU CAN JUST GET
THOSE CRUTCHES AWAY FROM KEVIN,
YOU CAN PLANT
ONE OF THEM INSTEAD.
THAT'S SURE TO APPEASE TOMMY'S
RESTLESS BATHROOM SPIRIT.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW
YOU'RE GOING TO HELL.
- ANYTHING THAT GETS ME
OUT OF LAWNDALE.
- SEE, BY TEACHING THE KIDS
ABOUT SAFETY,
I'M GIVING SOMETHING BACK
TO SOCIETY.
I'M, LIKE, A PHILANDERIST.
- YEAH, YEAH,
HOW ABOUT SUITING UP
AND GIVING SOMETHING BACK
TO THE TEAM?
THIS NEW GUY'S GOT THE RECEIVERS
HIDING IN A DUMPSTER.
- BUT THE KIDS...
THEY LOOK UP TO ME, BRO.
- HEY, WE LOOK UP...
WE LOOK AT YOU TOO.
NOW COME ON BACK,
WILL YOU?
- HI, KEVIE.
- HEY.
- UM, I WAS WONDERING,
CAN I BORROW
ONE OF YOUR CRUTCHES, PLEASE?
- CAN'T SPARE IT.
I NEED IT
FOR MY MOTIVATED SPEAKING.
SAY, BRIT, YOU KNOW,
THERE'S NO LAW THAT SAYS
A MOTIVATED SPEAKER
CAN'T HAVE A BABE.
- BUT THERE IS A LAW THAT SAYS
CHEERLEADERS CAN ONLY DATE
FOOTBALL PLAYERS, REMEMBER?
- DARN!
YOU KNOW,
THAT'S RECRIMINATION.
I MEAN, JUST 'CAUSE
I DON'T WEAR A UNIFORM
DOESN'T MEAN
I'M NOT THE SAME GUY.
- YES, IT DOES.
MY KEVIE IS A FOOTBALL LEADER
OF MEN.
MY KEVIE WOULDN'T LET
THE WHOLE TEAM DOWN.
MY KEVIE WOULDN'T LET LAWNDALE
BECOME A LOSER TOWN.
- WAIT, BABE, COME BACK.
- FORGET IT, KEVIE.
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
YOU'RE A...
A MAN ON AN ISLAND.
- BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE
ON AN ISLAND.
I GET SEASICK.
BESIDES, I NEED...
THE LOVE.
- HUH?
- I MEAN,
WHAT'S SAVING LIVES
IF THERE'S NO ONE
TO MAKE OUT WITH?
- I BELIEVE GANDHI
ASKED THAT SAME QUESTION.
- IT'S WHY
HE HAD TO BE ELIMINATED.
[sweeping dramatic
orchestral music]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- BRIT,
I REALIZED THAT WITHOUT YOU,
I'M BY MYSELF.
YOUR LOVE HAS HEALED ME, BABE.
I'M... I'M CURED.
- OH, KEVIE.
I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH.
- LIKE, ME TOO, BABE.
- CARE TO JOIN ME
IN THE GIRLS' ROOM
FOR A JOLLY PUKE?
- SURE, BUT NOT IF
THAT TOMMY SHERMAN'S IN THERE.
- THAT TOMMY SHERMAN,
HE RUINS EVERYTHING.
- LOOK, THE NEW TOMMY SHERMAN
MEMORIAL TREE.
- LOVELY.
- I WONDER WHY
IT ISN'T BLOSSOMING.
- DID YOU TAKE THE LITTLE
RUBBER THING OFF THE BOTTOM?
- OH.
- OH, MM, DARIA,
MAYBE WE SHOULD GO INSIDE
BEFORE LIGHTING STRIKES YOU DEAD
AND BITS OF YOU
MESS UP MY NICE SHOES.
[cheers and applause]
- AND STAR QUARTERBACK
KEVIN THOMPSON SCORES AGAIN.
RRRROOAR.
- YES! YES!
HELEN, HELEN,
GIVE ME YOUR PHONE.
All: WE'RE NOT LOSERS.
WE'RE NOT LOSERS.
WE'RE NOT LOSERS.
LAWNDALE RULES!
- BRITTANY WORKED ALL WEEK
WRITING THAT.
- IT SHOWS.
THE REITERATION: POWERFUL.
- LIKE GETTING HIT
IN THE HEAD REPEATEDLY
WITH A SOCK FULL OF QUARTERS.
- AND HERE HE IS,
THE MIRACLE MAN.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR KEVIN
AND HIS MAGIC KNEE.
[cheers and applause]
- YEAH, I'LL BET YOU DIDN'T TRY
TO DRIVE DOWN PROPERTY VALUES.
WELL,
LAWNDALE HIGH'S QUARTERBACK
IS FIT AS A FIDDLE, AND
LAWNDALE'S GOT A WINNER SCHOOL,
AND THE BEST PEOPLE ARE GONNA
WANT TO LIVE HERE,
AND THEY BUY HOUSES
AT MARKET VALUE,
NO THANKS TO YOU, LOSER.
OH, YEAH?
WELL, I WANT MY MOMMY TOO.
HA!
- DO YOU FEEL BETTER
NOW THAT YOU'VE SET
THE LAWNDALE SHOPPER MAN RIGHT?
- ACTUALLY, THAT WAS
HIS SIX-YEAR-OLD GRANDSON,
BUT I'M SURE
HE'LL GIVE HIM THE MESSAGE.
- AHHH!
- OH, NO.
HAS THE MIGHTY KEVIN THOMPSON
INJURED HIS KNEE AGAIN?
PRAISE THE LORD.
HE LANDED ON HIS HEAD.
- THIS IS A DAY OF MIRACLES.
- ♪ LA-LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA-LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
- KEVIE,
YOU LOOK LIKE SUCH A REBEL
IN YOUR NEW JACKET.
- THANKS, BABE.
YO, CHECK THIS OUT.
- IS THIS WHAT YOU EARTH PEOPLE
CALL "NECKING"?
- NO, I MEAN,
CHECK OUT THE NEW KEVIN.
- YOU'LL NOTE
HE DIDN'T SAY "IMPROVED."
- THAT'S 'CAUSE HE'S A REBEL.
- WHERE'S THE BIKE?
- HUH?
- THAT'S A MOTORCYCLE JACKET.
IT'S MADE OUT OF LEATHER
TO PROTECT YOU FROM SCRAPES
WHEN YOUR HEAD'S BOUNCING
OFF THE GRILLE OF A TRUCK.
- IF YOU'RE JUST WEARING IT
FOR STYLE,
THEN IT'S A WASTE
OF A PERFECTLY GOOD COW.
- YOU WOULDN'T
WEAR SHOULDER PADS
IF YOU DIDN'T PLAY FOOTBALL.
- OR WOULD YOU?
- IS YOUR CUTLERY
HOLDING AN EDGE...
OR GOING OVER ONE?
- DIARY OF A MAD STEAK KNIFE
TONIGHT
ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- HONESTLY, RITA,
I DON'T CARE IF MOTHER'S PAYING
FOR YOUR NEW FAMILY ROOM.
- MAYBE SHE CAN GET A NEW FAMILY
TO GO WITH IT.
- WHAT?
THAT WAS DARIA.
SHE'S, UH,
PRACTICING FOR A SCHOOL PLAY.
- A SALESMAN'S GOT TO DREAM,
BOY.
- DAMN NEIGHBOR'S DOG
GOT INTO THE TRASH AGAIN!
NOW THERE'S GARBAGE
ALL OVER THE STREET.
THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
THERE WILL BE ABANDONED CARS
ON THE FRONT LAWNS.
- I'LL RUN OUT
AND PICK UP SOME CEMENT BLOCKS
BEFORE THEY'RE ALL SOLD OUT.
- JAKE, CALM DOWN.
RITA,
I'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK.
YES, I WILL...
VERY, VERY SOON.
- HELEN,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN PROPERTY VALUES COLLAPSE?
- IS IT ANYTHING LIKE
WHEN GOOD PETS GO BAD?
- WHAT IF WE CAN'T GET
A DECENT PRICE
WHEN WE SELL THIS PLACE?
YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA MOVE IN
WITH YOUR SISTER?
- OR SHOULD I ALSO
PICK UP A COPY
OF THE JONESTOWN
BARTENDER'S HANDBOOK?
- [scoffs]
- AGH!
- JAKE,
YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
NOTHING IS GOING TO AFFECT
THE VALUE OF THIS HOUSE
SHORT OF AN EARTHQUAKE.
- WE'RE ON A FAULT LINE TOO?
- OH, LOOK,
THE CIRCUS IS COMING TO TOWN.
- ON WHAT APPEARS TO BE
A VERY FAST LAWN MOWER.
[engine revving]
- HEY, JANE, DARIA.
- MEAN MACHINE.
WHERE'S YOUR SHRINER'S FEZ?
- DON'T WE LOOK LIKE REBELS?
- OH, YEAH.
THAT CRICKET IN YOUR FRONT TEETH
IS VERY JAMES DEAN.
- WHAT?
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,
BRITTANY.
IT'S DEAD.
- EWW!
I'M GONNA NEED NEW TEETH.
- I'M SURE THE GUYS IN WOODSHOP
CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING.
- BEFORE FIRST PERIOD?
DON'T THINK SO.
- YOU KNOW,
YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED
TO RIDE THOSE THINGS
WITHOUT A HELMET.
- HEY, I DON'T FOLLOW "RULES."
I'M REBELLENT.
- DID HE SAY "REPELLENT"?
- SEEMS LIKE HE SHOULD HAVE,
DOESN'T IT?
- WELL, WELL,
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE,
A BABE MAGNET
WITH A SEAT BUILT FOR ONE?
HOLD ON TIGHT,
LUSCIOUS LADY.
- HEY, POP A WHEELIE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
[together]
YEAH, POP A WHEELIE, COOL.
- COME ON, POP A WHEELIE.
- I LOVE WHEELIES.
- UH... OKAY.
[engine revving]
- GEE, THIS WON'T END BADLY.
- YOU KNOW,
WE ARE THE ONES
WHO TOLD HIM
TO GET A MOTORCYCLE.
- HEY, IF WE TOLD HIM
TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE,
WOULD HE DO THAT?
- DON'T KNOW.
WE'LL TRY THAT NEXT TIME.
- NOW, I KNOW I SAW THAT
PONCH GUY DO THIS ON CHIPS.
[engine revving]
[tires squealing]
MY KNEE!
[screams]
- UH-OH, I THINK THE WILD ONE'S
GOT A BOO-BOO.
- HEY, YOU BROKE
THE TOMMY SHERMAN MEMORIAL TREE.
- GOOD THING HE'S DEAD,
OR HE'D REALLY LET YOU HAVE IT.
- THIS IS SORT OF LIKE
WHAT HAPPENED
AT MY FOURTH BIRTHDAY PARTY,
ONLY IT INVOLVED A TINY TRICYCLE
AND A CHIMP.
- THE DIFFERENCE BEING?
- OH, KEVIE,
I DON'T CARE IF YOU SQUISHED
THE TOMMY SHERMAN MEMORIAL TREE.
I STILL LOVE YOU.
- TOMMY SHERMAN WAS THE
GREATEST Q.B. LAWNDALE EVER HAD.
I TOO WAS A QUARTERBACK ONCE.
NOW I'M JUST A...
ONE-KNEE GUY.
- BUT YOUR KNEE WILL HEAL.
- WHEN?
FACE IT, BRIT,
YOU'VE GOT CHEERLEADER-TYPE
ACTIVE WOMANLY NEEDS,
AND LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME!
KISSING ME NOW WOULD BE LIKE
KISSING ONE OF THOSE GUYS
WHO WEAR OLD-MAN PANTS
AND WATCH TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL.
- KEVIE, NO!
- BABE,
IT'S GOT TO BE THIS WAY.
- NO, IT CAN BE LIKE BEFORE.
LET ME BRING YOU A GATORADE.
- NO, ONLY SPORTSMEN
CAN DRINK SPORTS DRINKS.
FROM NOW ON,
I DRINK YOO-HOO.
- NO!
[sobbing]
[bell rings]
THEN HE SAID THAT HIS ARMPITS
WOULD KNOW
ONLY THE EMBRACE
OF HIS CRUTCHES.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- I DON'T KNOW,
BUT IT SOUNDS BAD,
LIKE KEVIE'S ARMPITS
HAVE FEELINGS BUT NOT FOR ME.
NOW WHAT DO I DO
WITH LIPS SO EMPTY, SO YEARNING?
- LIPS?
SO WE'RE OFF THE ARMPIT THING?
- YOU KNOW, IF YOU BREAK UP
BRITTANY'S ATTEMPT AT THOUGHT,
IT LOOKS LIKE
A MYSTIK SPIRAL SONG.
- "ARMPITS HAVE FEELINGS
BUT NOT FOR ME.
NOW WHAT DO I DO
WITH LIPS EMPTY?"
HMM, ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT
TO REPLACE "LIPS" WITH "SKULL"?
- IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS.
- OH, WHAT'S THIS?
- NOTHING.
- PLEASE, DARIA,
ANY FORM OF EXPRESSION
IS CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION.
I SEE YOU'VE CHOSEN TO CELEBRATE
IN THE WAY OF VERSE.
- THE ONLY THING HERE
IN THE WAY OF VERSE
MIGHT BE
ITS COMPLETE LACK OF QUALITY.
- YOU'RE BEING JUDGMENTAL,
DARIA,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
JUDGE... AND YOU GET MENTAL.
- AND YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY...
- LIFE SUCKS,
AND THEN YOU DIE?
- THIS IS SO DEEP BUT SO SAD.
DARIA, ARE YOU DEPRESSED?
I MEAN, MORE THAN USUAL?
- NOT ME.
- BRITTANY?
- WHAT?
UM... HERE?
PRESENT?
- COME ON, MAN,
IT'S JUST A SPRAINED KNEE.
YOU'VE GOT TO PLAY.
THE TEAM NEEDS YOU.
- NO, IT DOESN'T.
THE ONLY TEAM THAT NEEDS ME
IS THE ONE THAT SITS
ALL THE TIME: THE CHESS TEAM.
- BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO PLAY CHESS.
- OH, YEAH?
KING ME! KING ME! KING ME!
- I'LL TALK TO YOU
WHEN THE PAINKILLERS WEAR OFF.
- KEVIE,
MR. O'NEILL JUST GAVE ME AN "A"
FOR A POEM
I DIDN'T KNOW I WROTE
AND SAID I SHOULD GET COUNSELING
FOR MY TROUBLED MIND,
AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU,
SO WE HAVE TO GET BACK TOGETHER,
OR MY MIND WILL NEVER
UNTROUBLE ITSELF.
- BABE, THE ONLY WIDE RECEIVERS
I'VE GOT ARE MY CRUTCHES HERE,
AND THEY ONLY CATCH
THE SWEAT OF MY DEFEAT.
- BUT WHAT ABOUT
OUR ETERNAL LOVE
THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO LAST
TILL GRADUATION?
- COULD YOU REALLY DATE A GUY
WHO ISN'T GONNA BE
IN ANY YEARBOOK TEAM PICTURES?
- I... I... OH, NO.
IT REALLY IS OVER.
[sobbing]
- NO TEAM, NO BABE.
I GUESS I'M, LIKE,
ON MY OWN.
WH-WHOA!
- ♪ LA, LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
- IS IT ME,
OR DOES STUDY HALL GO FASTER
WHEN YOU'RE SOMEWHERE ELSE?
- LIFE GOES FASTER
WHEN YOU'RE SOMEWHERE ELSE.
- AWW, LOOK.
THE TOMMY SHERMAN MEMORIAL TREE
IS STILL DEAD.
- I GUESS NOW WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO PLANT SOMETHING
TO MEMORIALIZE IT.
- OH, ANGIE,
I MISS MY KEVIE.
LIFE JUST ISN'T THE SAME
WITHOUT HIS BIG BROWN EYES
AND SPELLBINDING DIMPLES.
- I'D RATHER REMEMBER THE TREE
THAN REMEMBER TOMMY SHERMAN.
- HEY, THAT'S NOT NICE.
YOU WOULDN'T LIKE THAT
IF YOU WERE TOMMY SHERMAN.
- I WOULDN'T LIKE ANYTHING
IF I WERE TOMMY SHERMAN.
IF I WERE TOMMY SHERMAN,
I'D BE DEAD.
All: OH, NO!
OH, GOD, A GHOST!
A GHOST!
- FIRST TOMMY'S TREE IS DEAD,
AND NOW HE'S BACK TO HAUNT US.
- AS THE FOURTH QUARTER
WINDS DOWN,
AND THE SCORE REMAINS
OAKWOOD 21,
LIONS ZIPPERINO,
DOES YOUR HUMBLE ANNOUNCER
DARE TO VENTURE
THAT THE MIGHTY LAWNDALE
"RRRROAR"
HAS TURNED INTO A PLAINTIVE
"MEOW"?
LAWNDALE'S
REPLACEMENT QUARTERBACK,
MAD MACK,
HAS THE BALL,
AND IT LOOKS LIKE
HE'S GOING TO PASS IT TO...
- UGH!
- NOBODY.
BAD BREAK, MAD MACK.
WE FELT THAT ONE IN THE BOX.
- GUYS, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED, SORRY.
- GIVE ME AN "L."
both: "L."
- GIVE ME AN "A."
both: "A"
- GIVE ME AN S-U-X.
LAWNDALE SUCKS, HA.
- THIS IS NO GOOD,
NO GOOD AT ALL.
- AND THE LIONS ONCE MORE
GO DOWN TO DEFEAT.
- I'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT ALL THIS LOSING.
- I JUST HOPE A NEW WARDROBE
IS ENOUGH TO TAKE OUR MINDS
OFF THAT ABYSMAL GAME.
- YEAH, ABYSMAL.
- IF THIS KEEPS UP,
WE MAY HAVE TO HOLD
AN EMERGENCY MEETING
ON THE DATEABILITY
OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
- OH, NO.
- LOOK, ISN'T THIS ADORABLE?
IT'S SO NECK-SLIMMING.
I WONDER IF THEY HAVE IT
IN CHARTREUSE.
EXCUSE ME, MISS?
- WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
I CAN'T BELIEVE
NO ONE'S EVEN OFFERED US
FITTING ROOMS YET.
- YEAH, IT'S LIKE THEY WANT US
TO GET SHOPPER'S CRAMP.
- MISS... OH, MISS?
- GUYS, SOMETHING WEIRD
IS GOING ON.
- [gasps]
- COME ON,
LET'S GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.
AHE-HEM.
TERESA,
IS THERE A LABOR STOPPAGE
WE SHOULD BE APPRISED OF?
NO ONE'S HELPING US.
- IT'S YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM.
THEY'RE... WELL... LOSERS.
- WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO
WITH US?
WE DON'T PLAY FOOTBALL.
- YOU GO TO A LOSER SCHOOL,
AND IT'S NOT GOOD
FOR JUNIOR 5'S IMAGE
TO HAVE LOSERS
WEARING OUR CLOTHES.
- BUT WE'RE NOT LOSERS.
- LOOK, IF YOU DON'T MIND
TAKING TURNS,
I CAN GIVE YOU
FITTING ROOM EIGHT.
- THE UNPOPULAR PEOPLE'S
DRESSING ROOM?
- IT SAYS HERE
ON YOUR TRANSFER FORMS
THAT YOU'VE BEEN IN HIGH SCHOOL
FOR SIX YEARS.
- YEAH,
I HAVE TROUBLE LEARNING STUFF
WHEN PEOPLE MAKE ME MAD.
- BUT YOU DON'T SEEM
TO HAVE TROUBLE
WITH THE OLD PIGSKIN, EH?
UM, WHY WAS YOUR SEASON
CUT SHORT LAST YEAR?
THIS SAYS YOUR OFFENSIVE LINE
HAD A "MISHAP."
- THEY MADE ME MAD.
- AHH.
UH... HEH.
- ZIPPIDY-DO-DAH, ZIPPIDY-AY.
MAKE TOMMY'S SPIRIT
GO FAR, FAR AWAY.
[all screaming]
- ALL RIGHT, GIRLS,
PUFFING PARTY'S OVER.
- OH, NO, YOU RUINED IT.
NOW TOMMY SHERMAN'S GHOST
WILL NEVER GO AWAY.
- WELL, FORGIVE ME
IF I DIDN'T SEE
THE SIGN ON THE DOOR THAT SAID,
"GIRLS' EXORCISM ROOM."
- AND THEN SANDY SAID
SHE DIDN'T KNOW
IF SHE COULD SHOW
HER FACE ANYMORE
AND IS THINKING ABOUT
THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM,
ALTHOUGH NOT IF THEY MAKE YOU
DYE YOUR HAIR
THAT REALLY BRASSY BLONDE.
- THAT'S JUST WHAT
SAMMY "THE BULL" GRAVANO SAID.
- HEY, HERE'S ANOTHER GOOD TOWN
WE CAN MOVE TO.
IT SAYS THE SCHOOLS HAVE
PRODUCED THREE PRO QUARTERBACKS.
- HOW MANY PRO WRESTLERS?
- QUINN,
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE CONSIDERING
THE REST OF THE FAMILY.
- I AM.
WE LIVE IN A LOSER TOWN NOW,
AND THAT CAN'T BE GOOD
AT THAT JOB YOU GO TO.
ONLY LOSERS LIVE
IN LOSER TOWNS.
DO YOU WANT YOUR CLIENTS
THINKING YOU'RE A LOSER?
- HMM.
[tires screeching]
OH, DEAR, YOUR FATHER'S BRAKING
WITH HIS ANGRY FOOT AGAIN.
- IF WE MOVED TO A POPULAR TOWN,
HE'D BE HAPPIER.
- QUINN, WE'RE NOT MOVING.
- THAT'S IT!
WE'RE MOVING.
LOOK AT THIS.
IT SAYS
LAWNDALE HIGH'S FOOTBALL TEAM
IS THE WORST
IN LAWNDALE HISTORY.
IT SAYS LAWNDALE HIGH
IS A SCHOOL FOR LOSERS.
- JAKE,
THAT'S THE LAWNDALE SHOPPER.
IT'S WRITTEN
BY AN 80-YEAR-OLD MAN
WHO, IF YOU RECALL,
HAD TO BE TAKEN OFF HIS ROOF
BY THE FIRE DEPARTMENT,
BECAUSE HE THOUGHT
HE WAS BEING CHASED
BY SCREAMING MICE.
- THAT DOESN'T MEAN
IT ISN'T TRUE.
- OH, DADDY,
MICE DON'T SCREAM.
- YEAH,
YOU'RE THINKING OF LOBSTERS.
WHO'S UP FOR SEAFOOD?
- THE VALUE OF OUR HOME
DESTROYED,
OUR LIFE'S INVESTMENT GONE.
GOOD-BYE RETIREMENT.
GOOD-BYE CONDO
ON THE GOLF COURSE.
HELEN, WE'RE RUINED!
DON'T YOU SEE?
- I SEE YOU SHOPPED ANGRY AGAIN.
NOW, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO
WITH 5 POUNDS OF...
J.T.'S JELLY PORK SHOULDER?
UGH.
- DON'T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY.
IT WAS
THAT LAWNDALE SHOPPER GUY,
THE STORE, THIS TOWN.
THEY ALL TRICKED ME.
- WHICH IS WHY WE HAVE TO MOVE.
- SO MY SISTER'S SCOUTING OUT
NEW ZIP CODES.
MY FATHER'S SO MAD,
HE CAN ONLY SEE THE COLOR RED.
AND THE OTHER DAY,
WHEN MY MOTHER WAS PAYING BILLS,
I CAUGHT HER TRYING TO SMUDGE
HER RETURN ADDRESS LABELS.
MY HOME LIFE
IS BECOMING INTOLERABLE.
- "BECOMING" INTOLERABLE?
- IS THERE SUCH A WORD
AS "INTOLERABLER"?
- HOT STUFF.
HEY, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.
- NO, I DON'T.
- YOU GO TO LAWNDALE HIGH,
RIGHT?
- NO, WE'RE REFORM SCHOOL GALS
LOOKING FOR LOVE
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES.
- THAT'S GOOD,
BECAUSE IF YOU WENT TO LAWNDALE,
YOU'D BE LOSERS.
[laughs]
WHAT A LOSER SCHOOL.
ENJOY NOW, HA.
- GREAT, AND JUST WHEN
I WAS FEELING LIKE A WINNER.
- I TAKE IT YOUR QUARTERBACK
IS STILL WALLOWING IN SELF-PITY.
- I WISH HE'D TRY
SELF-IMMOLATION.
- SPORT BOY NEEDS A REASON
TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF,
AND THERE JUST AREN'T ANY.
- WE COULD TRY SENDING HIM BACK
TO THE THIRD GRADE,
WHERE WINNING
A PASTE-EATING CONTEST
STILL COUNTS FOR SOMETHING.
- ACTUALLY, WHY NOT SEND HIM
BACK TO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL?
- BECAUSE HE'D NEVER MEET
THE ACADEMIC REQUIREMENTS.
- I MEAN AS ONE OF THOSE
SAFETY LECTURERS.
HE COULD TALK ABOUT
HOW STUPID HE WAS
TO WIPE OUT ON HIS BIKE.
THE KIDS WOULD PROBABLY
RATHER LISTEN TO HIM
THAN THEIR TEACHERS,
SO HE'D HAVE A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE
AND FEEL SELF-IMPORTANT AGAIN.
- SO SIMPLE
AND YET SO PERFECT.
DARIA,
WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THAT?
- 'CAUSE WE'RE LAWNDALE LOSERS,
WHO WALLOW IN OUR OWN IGNORANCE
AND FILTH.
WHO WANTS ANOTHER SLICE?
- ♪ LA, LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
- MR. O'NEILL.
- OH, YOU STARTLED ME.
I GUESS ALL THAT TALK
ABOUT GHOSTS AND EXORCISM
HAS PUT ME A LITTLE ON EDGE.
- HEY, WANT TO SEE ME
TWIST MY HEAD AROUND
AND AROUND AND AROUND?
- WE WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT KEVIN.
- WE THINK IT MIGHT PULL HIM
OUT OF HIS SLUMP
IF HE BECAME A SAFETY LECTURER:
TELL KIDS HOW RECKLESS BEHAVIOR
LEADS TO INJURIES.
- THEY DON'T HAVE TO KNOW
HE WAS BRAIN-DAMAGED
BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
- HMM, TURNING A BAD EXPERIENCE
INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE.
GIRLS, I DO BELIEVE
WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE.
- WE ARE?
NOW I'M IN A SLUMP.
- KEVIN,
THE WISDOM YOU IMPART
TO THESE
IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG MINDS
CAN HAVE A PROFOUND EFFECT
UPON THEIR LIVES.
- COOL.
- REMEMBER,
A MAN IS NEVER TALLER
THAN WHEN HE HELPS
THE SMALLEST CHILD.
- [laughs]
BUT WHAT ABOUT
WHEN HE'S WEARING CLEATS?
- UM, JUST GO OUT THERE,
AND TRY NOT TO HURT YOURSELF.
- MY NAME IS KEVIN,
AND I'M A...
- LOUDER.
- MY NAME IS KEVIN,
AND I USED TO BE A REBEL,
BUT NOW
I'M JUST A BIG FAT LOSER.
EVERYWHERE I GO, IT'S LIKE,
"LOOK AT THAT LOSER.
"NICE DAY, LOSER.
MORE CHOCOLATE MILK, LOSER?"
BUT IT WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE THIS.
BEFORE MY BIKE ACCIDENT,
I WAS THE Q.B.
CHICKS LOVE THAT.
All: COOL.
THAT WAS NEAT.
- HOT CHICKS?
- CHEERLEADERS.
All: COOL.
OH, WOW.
- SEE,
MOTORCYCLES ARE DANGEROUS,
ESPECIALLY WHEN
YOU FALL OFF THEM.
HEH, I MEAN,
I'M ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.
I MEAN, I COULD HAVE FALLEN
OFF THE GRAND CANYON
AND HIT MY HEAD ON A ROCK
OR SOMETHING.
THEN I'D BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS
WITH THEIR BRAIN
STICKING OUT OF THEIR EYES AND
THEIR GUTS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
- COOL.
- IN COLLUSION,
MOTORCYCLES CAN WRECK YOUR LIFE
AND MAKE IT
SO YOU CAN'T PLAY FOOTBALL,
AND THAT'S NOT COOL.
SAFETY IS COOL.
ANY QUESTIONS?
- TELL ME ABOUT
THE CHEERLEADERS.
- I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT
THE BLOOD AND GUTS AGAIN.
[all cheering]
- AND THAT'S HOW I SAVED
COUNTLESS YOUTH CHILDREN
AS A WALKING "SAFETY DON'T."
AND WHEN KIDS ARE ABOUT TO DO
SOMETHING DANGEROUS, THEY GO,
"HEY, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
I WANT TO BE LIKE
THAT COOL SAFETY GUY."
- HE'D BE
SUCH A WONDERFUL FATHER.
- OF A COCONUT.
- NOW MY CRUTCHES ARE, LIKE,
MY BEST FEATURE.
- TAKING OVER THE ROLE
FORMERLY PLAYED BY HIS CAR.
- WELL, THIS PLAN
BACKFIRED PERFECTLY.
- KEVIN, THAT REPORT
WAS PEACHY.
- THANKS.
- ALTHOUGH WHAT IT HAS TO DO
WITH THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS,
WHICH WAS YOUR ASSIGNED TOPIC,
I FAIL TO UNDERSTAND.
- UM...
DID EVERYONE GET TO SEE
MY PICTURE?
[whistle blows]
- THIS ISN'T WORKING.
THE NEW GUY,
HE'S GOT SOME WEIRD RULES.
- YOU MEAN WEIRDER THAN STICKING
YOUR BUTT IN THE AIR
AND MAKING A FOOTBALL APPEAR?
- IT'S CALLED A HIKE.
- NOW, I'M GONNA THROW THIS.
IF YOU CATCH IT,
YOU GET TO KICK ME IN THE HEAD.
IF YOU MISS IT,
I'LL KILL YOU.
All: HUH?
NO, I'M NOT PLAYING THAT.
- YOU THINK I'M KIDDING?
WELL, TRY ME, PUNKS.
NOW, GO OUT FOR A PASS,
OR I'LL WASTE YOU RIGHT NOW.
[whistle blows]
OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
HEY, STOP, HEY.
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO RUN
ACROSS THE STREET.
MAN, THIS HAPPENS
EVERYWHERE I GO.
NOBODY KNOWS
HOW TO PLAY FOOTBALL.
[bell rings]
- WHAT'S WITH QUINNY O.?
- SHE'S DRESSING INCOGNITO
UNTIL SHE CAN PERSUADE MY MOTHER
TO RELOCATE US TO BERMUDA.
- YOU SHOULD REALLY
KEEP HER AWAY
FROM OPEN BOTTLES
OF NAIL POLISH.
- OR SCATTER A LOT MORE
OF THEM AROUND.
- DARIA, JANE,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONTRIBUTE
TO THE TOMMY SHERMAN
MEMORIAL TREE FUND?
WE'RE HOPING TO GET HIS GHOST
OUT OF THE GIRLS' ROOM.
- IT TAKES A TREE TO GET HIM
OUT OF THE GIRLS' ROOM?
DID HE TURN INTO A DOG
OR SOMETHING?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
- YOU KNOW, IF YOU CAN JUST GET
THOSE CRUTCHES AWAY FROM KEVIN,
YOU CAN PLANT
ONE OF THEM INSTEAD.
THAT'S SURE TO APPEASE TOMMY'S
RESTLESS BATHROOM SPIRIT.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW
YOU'RE GOING TO HELL.
- ANYTHING THAT GETS ME
OUT OF LAWNDALE.
- SEE, BY TEACHING THE KIDS
ABOUT SAFETY,
I'M GIVING SOMETHING BACK
TO SOCIETY.
I'M, LIKE, A PHILANDERIST.
- YEAH, YEAH,
HOW ABOUT SUITING UP
AND GIVING SOMETHING BACK
TO THE TEAM?
THIS NEW GUY'S GOT THE RECEIVERS
HIDING IN A DUMPSTER.
- BUT THE KIDS...
THEY LOOK UP TO ME, BRO.
- HEY, WE LOOK UP...
WE LOOK AT YOU TOO.
NOW COME ON BACK,
WILL YOU?
- HI, KEVIE.
- HEY.
- UM, I WAS WONDERING,
CAN I BORROW
ONE OF YOUR CRUTCHES, PLEASE?
- CAN'T SPARE IT.
I NEED IT
FOR MY MOTIVATED SPEAKING.
SAY, BRIT, YOU KNOW,
THERE'S NO LAW THAT SAYS
A MOTIVATED SPEAKER
CAN'T HAVE A BABE.
- BUT THERE IS A LAW THAT SAYS
CHEERLEADERS CAN ONLY DATE
FOOTBALL PLAYERS, REMEMBER?
- DARN!
YOU KNOW,
THAT'S RECRIMINATION.
I MEAN, JUST 'CAUSE
I DON'T WEAR A UNIFORM
DOESN'T MEAN
I'M NOT THE SAME GUY.
- YES, IT DOES.
MY KEVIE IS A FOOTBALL LEADER
OF MEN.
MY KEVIE WOULDN'T LET
THE WHOLE TEAM DOWN.
MY KEVIE WOULDN'T LET LAWNDALE
BECOME A LOSER TOWN.
- WAIT, BABE, COME BACK.
- FORGET IT, KEVIE.
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
YOU'RE A...
A MAN ON AN ISLAND.
- BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE
ON AN ISLAND.
I GET SEASICK.
BESIDES, I NEED...
THE LOVE.
- HUH?
- I MEAN,
WHAT'S SAVING LIVES
IF THERE'S NO ONE
TO MAKE OUT WITH?
- I BELIEVE GANDHI
ASKED THAT SAME QUESTION.
- IT'S WHY
HE HAD TO BE ELIMINATED.
[sweeping dramatic
orchestral music]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- BRIT,
I REALIZED THAT WITHOUT YOU,
I'M BY MYSELF.
YOUR LOVE HAS HEALED ME, BABE.
I'M... I'M CURED.
- OH, KEVIE.
I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH.
- LIKE, ME TOO, BABE.
- CARE TO JOIN ME
IN THE GIRLS' ROOM
FOR A JOLLY PUKE?
- SURE, BUT NOT IF
THAT TOMMY SHERMAN'S IN THERE.
- THAT TOMMY SHERMAN,
HE RUINS EVERYTHING.
- LOOK, THE NEW TOMMY SHERMAN
MEMORIAL TREE.
- LOVELY.
- I WONDER WHY
IT ISN'T BLOSSOMING.
- DID YOU TAKE THE LITTLE
RUBBER THING OFF THE BOTTOM?
- OH.
- OH, MM, DARIA,
MAYBE WE SHOULD GO INSIDE
BEFORE LIGHTING STRIKES YOU DEAD
AND BITS OF YOU
MESS UP MY NICE SHOES.
[cheers and applause]
- AND STAR QUARTERBACK
KEVIN THOMPSON SCORES AGAIN.
RRRROOAR.
- YES! YES!
HELEN, HELEN,
GIVE ME YOUR PHONE.
All: WE'RE NOT LOSERS.
WE'RE NOT LOSERS.
WE'RE NOT LOSERS.
LAWNDALE RULES!
- BRITTANY WORKED ALL WEEK
WRITING THAT.
- IT SHOWS.
THE REITERATION: POWERFUL.
- LIKE GETTING HIT
IN THE HEAD REPEATEDLY
WITH A SOCK FULL OF QUARTERS.
- AND HERE HE IS,
THE MIRACLE MAN.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR KEVIN
AND HIS MAGIC KNEE.
[cheers and applause]
- YEAH, I'LL BET YOU DIDN'T TRY
TO DRIVE DOWN PROPERTY VALUES.
WELL,
LAWNDALE HIGH'S QUARTERBACK
IS FIT AS A FIDDLE, AND
LAWNDALE'S GOT A WINNER SCHOOL,
AND THE BEST PEOPLE ARE GONNA
WANT TO LIVE HERE,
AND THEY BUY HOUSES
AT MARKET VALUE,
NO THANKS TO YOU, LOSER.
OH, YEAH?
WELL, I WANT MY MOMMY TOO.
HA!
- DO YOU FEEL BETTER
NOW THAT YOU'VE SET
THE LAWNDALE SHOPPER MAN RIGHT?
- ACTUALLY, THAT WAS
HIS SIX-YEAR-OLD GRANDSON,
BUT I'M SURE
HE'LL GIVE HIM THE MESSAGE.
- AHHH!
- OH, NO.
HAS THE MIGHTY KEVIN THOMPSON
INJURED HIS KNEE AGAIN?
PRAISE THE LORD.
HE LANDED ON HIS HEAD.
- THIS IS A DAY OF MIRACLES.
- ♪ LA-LA-LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA-LA-LA, LA-LA ♪