Daria (1997–2001): Season 1, Episode 8 - Pinch Sitter - full transcript

And on that fateful day, his followers
obediently drank the poison brew.

Jonestown: one charismatic
leader exerting

his demonic will over
scores of followers.

What lesson can we take from this tragic
example of herd-like behavior? Kevin?

BYOB?

Please return to your stupor, Kevin...

Okay!

...while we continue our
discussion of cults!

Can anyone give me another
example of a group

using coercive techniques
such as peer pressure,

chanting, and social
isolation to achieve

control over its members?
Brittany?

Cheerleading?

Ah, Brittany. Sometimes, despite
a complete lack of insight,

you stumble upon an interesting answer.

Wow, and I didn't even
have to read the chapter!

She'll never have to worry
about mind control.

No, but she'll have to watch out for
ferrets building a nest in her head.

Now remember, your term papers are due
Friday, and no excuses will be accepted.

You want me to take over
your baby-sitting job?

I'm not sure, Quinn.

Please? Just this once.

You're the only person I can
trust to do this, Ronnie.

I can tell by your eyes...

Really?

Yeah! They're so... sincere!

Well...

And your face, it's very... honest!
You're so nice, and dependable, and...

Nice? Sincere? You're never
gonna go out with me, are you?

No.

Hey, there's Quinn with
one of her many admirers.

She's well liked among
classmates of both sexes,

and yet, strangely,
she turns my stomach.

Well, I...

Quinn, some guy named Skylar was
looking for you this morning.

Oh, no! He figured out you're my sister?

Actually, he seemed to
think I was your au pair.

He asked me how I liked America so far.

People are so weird!

Some are weird. Some
are just astonishingly

self-centered and deceitful.

Later.

Skylar Feldman?

His family has a boat.
It's almost summer!

Yeah, right. Ask him
to baby sit for you.

But he can't go out with
me if he's baby-sitting.

G- string grandmas, today
on Sick, Sad World.

Gross!

For once, we're in agreement.

This color looks nothing like melon.

It's way too pink. Oh, hey, Daria?

What are you doing Saturday night?

Forget it. I don't like kids.

I didn't even like
kids when I was a kid.

But you gotta take my baby-sitting job!

I could end up all summer
on some public beach.

Six bucks an hour!

I could make a down payment on
that isolated mountain cabin.

I'll pay you a two dollar an hour bonus.

You can do your homework and
earn money at the same time.

Well, there is that history
paper I haven't started yet.

But if I baby-sat for you,
then technically, I'd

be doing you a favor, and
that simply cannot be.

There's angel hair in the
freezer, girls, and don't

forget, tomorrow we're hosting
the couples workshop.

It's focus on teens night!

I expect you to be there.

Sorry, Mom, I have a date.

Remember what you said on Saturday?

A commitment's a commitment.

Yes I did say that.

Well, I'll see you there, Daria.

I can't. I have a commitment.

You?

I'm baby-sitting.

Oh, no, the laundry shrank your shirt.

No, they didn't.

Oh. You know, I used to wear
mini-skirts... but life goes on.

Well, I was surprised to hear about
Daria's baby-sitting job tomorrow night.

Yeah! I was, too!

Especially since it's for the
Guptys, and they usually call you.

I know! People are so weird!

In fact, I think I
remember something about

you going over there
tomorrow night?

You know, I think they
did shrink this shirt!

Quinn, how do you expect
to get anywhere in this

world if you don't stick
to your commitments?

But I didn't mean to double-book.

It's hard to keep track of dates
when you're attractive and popular.

I can't have another fiasco
like last Saturday night.

Think of how it must have
felt when those three

boys all showed up
here at the same time!

It felt great!

I meant for them.

You know the time-management
consultant I've been seeing?

Doris Doright?

Deena Decker. I'm going to have to
book us for a mother-daughter session.

Like a class?

Think of it as a makeover. My treat.

Well... okay.

I'm so excited! Talk about an
efficient use of quality time!

Now, Daria, I hope Quinn
explained our rules.

Were you planning on having a boyfriend
in the house? Because, heh...

we don't allow that.

No problem. I'm flying solo these days.

Then I guess it's not an issue.

Unless I pick up somebody
on the way over.

What?

She's kidding, Mrs. Gupty.

My sister's a big kidder. Ha, ha, Daria.

Ha, ha, Quinn.

Well, you'll need a sense of
humor to tangle with our devils.

Lester!

No, seriously, they're great kids.

See you Saturday, Daria.

Bye.

Ten dollar surcharge
if I have to spend

more than fifteen minutes
with the parents.

That's fair.

Prioritizing: it's the first step
towards streamlining your life.

Helen, please share your
list of priorities,

stating the most
important first.

One: spend more time with my family.

Two: break through the
firm's glass ceiling.

Three: beat the pants oft Carly
Fishbeck in the library board election.

Four: get the spice
back into my marriage.

Mom!

Four: window treatments
for the living room.

Great, and what are
your priorities Quinn?

One: dating.

Two: shopping.

Three: bouncy hair.

Four: school.

You don't have to rush, sweetie.

Maybe you would like
to rethink the order.

Helen, Quinn is just being honest.

We can't get anywhere
unless we take a hard,

honest look at what
really matters to us.

One: get the spice
back into my marriage.

Quinn, here's your very own Teen
Life Runner, just like Mom's.

My baby's all grown up.

Don't forget to enter this experience
on your Proud Moments Summary Page.

I can't use this thing. It's ugly!

Customized styles are available
for an extra charge.

I'll take the coral. Leatherette.

We also sell a
matching lipstick and

compact that fit right
inside the planner.

Now I'll be attractive, and
popular, and organized!

If they start to drive
you nuts, tell them

you know this great
game called "cemetery."

They have to lie on the floor
and pretend they're dead.

The first one to move
or make a sound loses.

This whole thing is
giving me the creeps.

I can't even think about
that stupid history paper.

Relax. I'll be there by eight.

Hey, Daria? What kind of
car do you think that is?

See ya later.

Yeah.

Isn't that the nouveau
riche sports sedan?

What are you doing?

Date evaluation system.
Convertibles get bonus points.

Coral! Is life great or what? Bye!

Hey Daria, where are you going?

It's couples therapy night!

Baby-sitting job, Dad.

Wish I had a baby-sitting job.

What?

Those couples, they're
such a bunch of wimps.

Always so freaking sensitive.

Hang in there, Dad.

You'll meet some insensitive couples.
I'm sure of it.

Thanks, kiddo!

Hi, Mrs. Kewpie.

What?

Mrs. Gupty!

Please, Daria, call me Lauren.

Come on in, we're almost ready.

She'll be comin' around the
mountain when she comes...

she'll be comin' around the
mountain when she comes...

Can we punish her now?
It's time for her punishment!

Can we punish her now?

Brain!

Brat!

Brain!

Brat!

Brain!

Stop that! Stop that!

Oh! It's my heart!

You know, she stuffs her bra.

Hi, I'm Quinn. I'll be allowed
to date in four years.

Here they are:

the little monsters!

Lester!

We don't let sitters use the phone,

but we made an exception
for Quinn after she

explained that she calls her
grandmother every hour.

My grandmother?

To tell her to take her pill.

Oh, yeah. Actually,
tonight it's my turn.

Now, Daria, here's your schedule.

As you can see, we've broken everything
down into fifteen minute increments.

Let's review it together.

Do you know a woman named
Deena Decker, by any chance?

Yes!

8:15, discuss current events.

8:30, snack.

8:45, post-snack flossing.

And the vocabulary word for
tonight is "indemnification."

We left food for you in the fridge.
Have fun kids.

Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!

Okay, you can drop the angel act.

What do you mean?

Is it time to floss yet?

We're supposed to be
discussing current events.

I have a headache.
Is that current enough for you?

Is Quinn really your sister?

Yeah.

Then how come her hair is so
much bouncier than yours?

Oh, look, there's been a last-minute
change in the schedule.

It's time to watch TV.

But too much TV is bad for you.

It can turn you into a zombie, Daria.

Well, that'll make three of us.

Your parents put one of those
lock-out things on here, didn't they?

All I'm getting is the Forecast Channel.

Yay! The five-day report!

That means the Midwestern
Business Planner is next!

See, Tricia, I told you the
barometric pressure was falling.

Know-it-all.

Commercials are bad.

Commercials lie.

Let's move the snack up to 8:15.
We'll get to flossing quicker.

Quinn, I know that plenty of
guys want to go out with you,

and plenty of girls want
to go out with me, and

that makes me think we
should be together.

Oh, Skylar, you're number one
in my book... by 14 points.

Will you excuse me? I'll be right back.

Raisins?

Raisins are nature's candy.

Then why do they have to cover them with
chocolate to sell them at the movies?

Sugar is bad.

Sugar rots your teeth.

Sugar makes you hyper.

Hitler ate sugar.

♪ I can hope and I can ♪
♪ dream and I am full ♪

♪ of, full of, full of, ♪
♪ full of self-esteem! ♪

♪ The hare and tortoise ♪
♪ had a race, ♪

♪ the tortoise won, he ♪
♪ took first place, ♪

♪ he knew he really passed the test ♪
♪ because he did his very best. ♪

♪ So very mad was Mr. Hare, he ♪
♪ claimed the race, it wasn't fair, ♪

♪ who won, who cares, it's all the same, ♪
♪ what counts is how you play the game. ♪

♪ I can hope and I can ♪
♪ dream and I am full ♪

♪ of, full of, full of, ♪
♪ full of self-esteem! ♪

This record is shot.

Why don't you ask your
parents to get you the CD?

Compact discs were forced
upon consumers so that

record companies could
increase their profit margins.

That's important for a
six year old to know.

Let's play it again!

I win!

Okay, that's enough cemetery.

Let's play a new game.

It's called lichen.

Here are the rules.

Lie on the floor and make believe
you're a fungus on an old tree trunk.

First one to move, or
drop a spore, loses.

Hey, Grandma, it's time
for your damn pill.

You were supposed to be here
an hour ago. I'm desperate.

I had to wait for my ride.

Trent just got back from rehearsal.
Relax, I'm on my way.

Tad dropped a spore!

Did not! It was a raisin!

Bring junk food...

Quinn always lets me fix her hair.

Her bouncy hair? Find
something else to do.

I guess we can listen to
the record some more.

Okay, the hair it is.

I'll shine your shoes!

Do you always do exactly
what adults tell you?

Yes!

Do you always believe
everything they say?

What if two adults say
exactly opposite things?

You're mean!

Thank God you're here.

All hail, Pippi Longstocking.
Hey Trent, come look at this!

Where did you learn to baby-sit?

I used to help with my
sister Summer's kids,

till they got old
enough to run away.

Can I exfoliate your skin?

Quinn lets you do that?

Quinn doesn't need it.

Yes, well, you've used
exfoliate, our vocabulary

word of the night, so
now it's time for bed.

But the vocabulary word for
the night is indemnification.

Made you say it.

Okay, kids, we're all suited up, so
it's time to blast off to sleepy land!

I guess I just don't speak the language.

But you have to read us
a bedtime story first.

It's on the schedule.

Sure is. Right before ear canal
irrigation and praying for world peace.

Mr. Potty Goes to Town...
The Tidy Teddy

Bear Family...
Kaneesha's First Kwanza.

The Ten Arguments for the Elimination
of Television Pop-Up Activity Book.

Isn't there something decent to read?

Got some old classics over here.

They'll do.

So Cinderella skipped the
ball and asked her fairy

Godmother to make her the
first woman president.

Realizing that the
monarchy was becoming

obsolete, the prince
opened a video store.

That's not how it goes.

But I like it better this way.

And then, the little engine decided that
he just wasn't the competitive type.

So Old Mother Hubbard
tracked down the

deadbeat loser and made
him pay child support.

And the dish ran away with the spoon,

but Hawaii was the only state which
would recognize the marriage as legal.

And the truth is, no one will ever
ask to see your permanent record.

Wow, you guys are smart.

I think that's enough for tonight.

Gee, Mom and Dad never told us that
people can think for themselves.

Yeah, or that Tom Cruise
is five foot four!

Daria? Jane? How do we know that
what you tell us is the truth?

You don't. And that's the
greatest lesson of all.

We made up that part about aliens
living under the North Pole.

I thought so.

Hey, the kid's gonna be all right!

Well, they're finally asleep.

Think you can fix that?

Think I can fix it?

Tonight, on Sick, Sad
World, a prime-time special

about people just like
you, only more pathetic.

Just in time.

I guess you're not going
to work on your paper.

I'll have to get an extension.

Right now, I'm having trouble
remembering my own name.

Can we have a drink of water?

Cool! Mud wrestling!

Oh, busted! Kick it to
the curb, girlfriend!

This is fun! You're my
favorite baby-sitter, Daria.

Me, too!

Just don't tell your parents
we let you stay up late.

Do we look stupid or something?

So much progress in one night.

So, when do you want to go out again?

How about a week from Thursday?
I'm booked until then.

I thought you were my girlfriend now.

But I can't cancel all my other dates.
I have to stick to my commitments.

Besides, I wrote them down in pen.

Wednesday, Eric? But he's my
best friend! And who's Bob?

No that's B period O period B period.

It stands for boy on bike.
I didn't catch his name.

Let me see that!

Wow, what's this!

Long term plans:
September, break up with

Skylar; October, go
out with Taylor?

His parents have a ski house!

Hi, Daria. How did it go? Any problems?

It sure is hard to tear
them away from their

oral hygiene routines,
but other than that...

Well, thanks for coming over. We'd
hate to miss Couple's Therapy Night.

I just love the new picture
in your living room.

You were at my house?

Yes, and we had a breakthrough tonight.
Your father cried.

Brittany, although your topic, "The
Cult of Abs," was an intriguing one,

I'm afraid that the choice
of photo collage, rather

than actual text, did not
work to your advantage.

"D." Bummer. And I
ruined all my magazines!

Daria, your paper was
excellent, and the

original research was
thought-provoking,

although it would probably be
considered a felony in most states.

"The Real-Life Experiment in
Mind Control Deprogramming."

Subtitle: "My Night at the Gupty's."

I guess I got inspired.

Talk about an efficient
use of quality time.

I am cool and that is it, and everyone
else is full of, full of, full of...

Tad!

Tricia!

Written by Anne D. Bernstein

Transcript by Richard Lobinske