Daria (1997–2001): Season 1, Episode 5 - Malled - full transcript

A hundred miles?
To go to a mall?

Dammit, there's a mall five minutes away!

Sit down, dear.
We're not going.

It's not a mall,
it's a super mall!

The Mall of the Millennium.
Shop there forever!

If you play that John Lennon song backwards, it says,

"Imagine all the people,
browsing in a mall."

Isn't that weird?

It's too far away, Quinn,

and you've done enough shopping for this quarter.

Muh-om! As vice president of the Fashion Club,

I need to know what's out there!

Vice president? Did you know she was vice president, Helen?

Yes, Jake.

Of the Fashion Club!

Yes, Jake. Vice president of the Fashion Club.

Do you think this tie works?

It's nice, Daddy,

but I think a mandarin collar would really set off your strong jaw line.

Now, if you drive me to the Mall of the Millennium...

No more malls until you bring up your grade point average.

Exactly. What's wrong with her grade point average?

How will I hold my head up in the Fashion Club?

A traction pulley?

Just because you're not interested in what's new and attractive and popular...

Oh, I'm interested.

But why go a mere 100 miles away?

I bet they have some fascinating malls in Southeast Asia.

Southeast Asia? To go to a mall? Dammit!

Sit down, dear.
It was a joke.

In economics, we call this flow.

We have a scenario of supply and demand,

where a new demand is created by a previous supply.

Does everyone follow?

Can anyone give me a concrete representation of this abstract theory?

Daria?

If we're talking concrete,

I'd have to go with that repository of human greed and debasement:

the mall.

Very good, Daria.

The mall is a very beautiful illustration of all these economic principles.

In fact, it would make for an excellent field trip.

All right! Field trip!
Where are we going, man?

The field.

Cool.

We'll visit that brand new Mall of the Millennium.

It's a perfect emblem of a modern day economic structure.

Um, I think that's a really bad idea.

Don't be silly, Daria.
It's your idea and it's perfect.

I second Daria.

The mall is a dangerous influence on today's teens and the fluorescent lights give you seizures.

We'll take a vote.

All in favor of a class trip to the mall next Friday instead of our usual surprise quiz?

All opposed?

This is great!

Kevin and I love going to the mall during school.

I mean, between classes. I mean...

what do I mean, babe?

What's the difference, babe?
You look hot.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Bennett.

I can't go to the mall.
I have a skin condition.

What are you talking about, Daria?

If I'm in an enclosed space for too long, I get hives.

But you're in an enclosed space now.

Yes... and I'm really itchy?

These hives get bad,
Mrs. Bennett, I've seen them.

They drip with puss.

Just trying to help.

Seventy eight bottles of beer on the wall,

seventy eight bottles of beer!

If one of those bottles should happen to fall,

seventy-seven bottles of...

Babe? That's a really cute song and all,

but do you think you could stop for a while?

Sorry, babe.

We always sing that song on the team bus.

It makes us fierce!

You're not on the team bus now.

I'm not your teammate.

I'm your girlfriend!

We talked about the difference, remember?

Sorry...

Would you rather do what we do... with your teammates?

All right, then.

Sealed in glass though it may be,

in its own way the mall can be viewed as a living organism.

Mack Daddy, did you hear what Mrs. B just called the mall?

She said "organism."

That's not the same as "orgasm."

And stop me calling that, okay?

Babe, did you hear what Mrs. B called the mall?

Do you think it would dishonor Dr. King's memory if I went to sit in the back of the bus?

At least he's not singing.

Hey, sweet baby, how'd you like to spend some do-re-me, huh?

I need some models for this... um...

Sorry.

Ladies! Are you aware of the advantages of a gold card?

Very advantageous when it belongs to your father.

Dad wants me to pick up some bikinis for his secretary.

But I need a couple of models.

The two of you are about her size.

What do you say, gals?

Upchuck, are you aware that many therapists now accept credit cards?

Daria?

I feel sick. Can someone open a window?

Allow me, fair maiden.

I didn't know you got car sick.

I don't, usually.
It's the fumes.

It smells like...
it smells like...

Teen spirit?

Cheap perfume.

Brittany must be working up a sweat.

The modern day mall evolved when shopkeepers, a.k.a. merchants,

discovered the benefits to joining economic forces.

where was I?

Mrs. B! Mrs. B!

What, Brittany?

Do you mind if we do a cheer?

Um, go ahead, Brittany.

Hey! How about a hundred bottles of...

Okay everybody, let's make it a keeper!

"Where are we going? The mall!

What are we spending?

Money! Money! Mall! Mall! Money! Mall! Mall! Money! Go class!"

Welcome to the Mall of the Millennium, the world's second or third largest mall...

Kevin, not now, okay?

Not now what, babe?

I think I'm going to be sick.

Um, could it possibly wait?

I know I'm going to be sick.

Bienvenidos a la Mall of the Millennium.

We're in area B, section Pink, and we need to get to area C, section Orange.

So, if we just bear right at area L, section Blue...

oh, wait, sorry. Wrong level.

Look, Mack Daddy!
The Sports Shorts!

A whole store full of shorts for sports!

Everyone, we'll walk down R Moss, and turn right at Q Canary.

Please keep the flow, people, please keep the flow.

Who would ever guess there'd be so many colors?

The person who thought them all up must be a genius.

Yeah, and we haven't even gotten to puke green yet.

Left at N Cranberry.

Wait, is that cranberry or magenta?

Jane, you're an artist.

It's cranapple.

Mrs. B? Can we please stop for a minute at Bikini Island?

I'd like to buy a few trifles for the ladies,

and perhaps you'd care to pick out something for yourself?

Not now, Charles.

We'll be late for our meeting with the mall executives.

I had to work very hard to arrange this.

These are very important, very busy...

What is it, Mrs. B?

The Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee-Bit Shop!

Herbert and I collect Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits!

Aren't they adorable?

Look, a Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits cactus!

And look at that little bunny rabbit with its own Fuzzy Wuzzy carrot!

And of course, when you go to the mall, you look for what?

Bikinis! Make that lovely, luscious, ladies in bikinis!

Feisty!

I always look for security guards leading away someone in handcuffs.

Shoplifters are the best judges of merchandise.

I meant more along the line of the qualities you look for?

The stores? What should they be like?

Perky... a little bouncy... not too bouncy...

What?

What?

I have a question.

Do you think our demographic can really be addressed by middle-aged middle managers telling us what's fun to buy?

How about you? How many times a year do you go to the mall?

Don't people usually get paid for participating in market research?

Research?

Now, Daria, these busy executives have been nice enough to give their time to help educate us on mall economics.

Tell us about flow, would you?

Okay.

I bet that's a two-way mirror.

You mean, if you turn out the lights you can see through it?

Oh, you don't want to do that.

The focus group is, um, a very important tool in mall management.

We thought that with this live demonstration...

I feel used. I feel abused.

I feel that this is not a fun mall after all and the media should be made aware of it.

All right, little lady.

Here's a coupon for a free frozen yogurt.

Don't insult me.

Make it a ten dollar merchandise coupon?

You're still insulting her.

Okay, a twenty dollar merchandise coupon for everyone in the class.

You don't get it.
There's a principle involved.

No, there isn't.

So much for idealistic youth.

That's twenty bucks!

Books By the Ton.

"The country's biggest bookstore?" Aw, man!

The Sports Shorts?

Scissor Wizard.

I can actually use a new pair of scissors.

Here, I got one for you.

The Doo Dad Shop. Oh, good.

I've always wanted my own doo dad.

Daria and Jane, you'll observe traffic patterns at the food concessions,

and Kevin and Brittany, you will study and report back on shrinkage.

What's shrinkage?

Shrinkage is the retailing term for shoplifting.

I'd like you to analyze its economic impact.

Does everyone else understand their assignments?

Now, we'll meet back here at quarter to three.

Remember, area F, section Moss, level three.

Got it? F Moss Three.

I know a good way to remember that.

You have a mnemonic device, Kevin?

It's not an S&M thing, Mrs. B. It's just a way to remember that.

Let's hear it.

Fmossthree. Fmossthree! Get it?

Fmossthree! Or was it Fmosstwo?

Everyone, write it down!

Traffic patterns at the food concessions.

I've noticed a pattern.
People walk in looking hungry.

And leave, stuffing their face.

Assignment completed.

Now, for extra credit, let's experience the traffic pattern for ourselves.

I know! A makeover project!

We'll find some hideously out of style nobody and make her look as good as us.

Almost.

That's so great, Quinn.

I wish I'd had such a brilliant idea.

You guys should impeach me and make Quinn president!

Oh, Sandi, I never would have had that idea if it weren't for you.

You said, "the Fashion Club should do more for the community."

You're a great leader.

That's 'cause you guys are such great leadettes.

So we'll find, like, a loser poster girl, to show that we really, like, do stuff for people.

But if we do posters, shouldn't we be on them?

We can have a fundraiser to buy her makeup.

Cool, a party!

Can I come?

Listen, um, guy, why don't you just wait in the car for us?

But you said if I drove you I could hang out with you.

Oh, all right! But don't try to participate, okay?

We're in the middle of a meeting.

Look! They'd be perfect!

Wow, you're right.
They need help.

Especially the one on the left.

She really needs volumizer.

And maybe some subtle streaks.

And a little skort set.

Have you seen the new skorts?
Really cute.

Is it a skirt or is it shorts?
I love that.

I wonder if they make skorts for sports!

Good to see you, too.

Well. What an unexpected opportunity for sibling bonding.

I'm going to be sick.

Is that, like, a family thing?

Just one sec, guys.

I'm interviewing our first makeover candidate.

I'm sure Mom and Dad will be really pleased to hear I ran into you.

Here at the mall.
On this lovely school day.

Okay, state your terms.

It's weird.

I can't think of anything I'd want... from you.

How about a free makeover?

No, thanks...

but, I wouldn't mind taking it easy around the house for a month.

A month?!?

I'd hold out for cold cash.

Or you can just never set foot inside a mall for the rest of your sorry adolescent life.

And a ride home from your little friend would be great.

Jane and I really aren't in the mood to take the bus back.

Ugh! Fine! Meet us in an hour on level five, area D, section Lavender.

You got that?

Dlavenderfive. Dlavenderfive. Nothing to it.

Who was that girl?

Look, you were hired to drive, not speak, okay?

You got us a ride home. Cool.

No, I blew it.

I should've made them drive Upchuck home.

Hey, look. I can use my coupon.

You got here just in time.

You're almost in time.

I've got this coupon.

But I just wanted a pair of scissors.

We don't sell scissors, we cut hair. Which show?

What?

Which TV show do you want your style from?

Most of our clients go for a sitcom.

Although, you're more the "movie of the week" type.

I have a TV Guide if you want to browse.

Have you ever seen Sick, Sad World?

No.

How about Animal Maulings on home video?

Yeah, I'd love to have hair like that woman who was molested by the kangaroo.

Really? She looks so every day.

I mean, after she was molested.

Make sure you get, like, the big clods of dirt and stuff in it.

Listen, um, maybe you girls should come back another time.

My next appointment's here.

What about my coupon?

Mousse?

Hey, how about that guy who was trampled by the moose?

Nah, his hair was too bloody.

Nice of her to buy that coupon back for cash.

Let's do yours next.

I'm really not in the market for a doo dad.

Come on. Let's at least find out what a doo dad is.

What is this stuff?

Who would buy such crappy, useless junk?

Fmossthree. Fmossthree.

Hundred bottles of beer on the wall... hundred bottles of beer...

Did you see the cute little thingy with the cute thingy?

I got it for you, babe.

Oh, Kev, this is the first cute thingy that you've bought me since...

wait... you didn't steal this, did you?

It was shrinkage, babe!

When your feeling bad or mad or sad, buy a doo dad!

You'll feel glad!

It's not too sad, to buy a doo dad, today!

What are you doing to my friend?

You're our lucky ten-thousandth customer.

All these doo dads are yours for free!

Don't you get it? You're our winner!

Winner?

You know, it's not a word for loser.

On three, everyone...
"I love doo dads!"

One... two... three...

I love doo dads!

Thanks for the ride, um, guy.

Thank you, sweetheart.

You've become so considerate these past couple of weeks.

And I bet she stays that way for another couple of weeks.

That was delicious.
Anyone else want a cup of coffee?

Let me, Dad. Let me.

Should we tell them?

Lets.

Girls...

I was a little hard on you the other day, Quinn,

so Dad and I thought it would be fun to take you to a movie at the new Super Mega Multiplex.

And Daria, after the movie we'll stop at Books By the Ton.

It's the biggest bookstore in the country.

You know, at the Mall of the Millennium.

Great.

Yeah, great.

Did you think they'd be more excited?

Oh, you know Daria,
she loves to act cool.

Once we're there, wait until you see her face then!

Synchro by Fifiririloulou

R?ponses au blindtest :

exterior shot before Mrs. Bennett's class
Kula Shaker - Hey Dude

Beck - New Pollution

trolley scene
Blur - Song Two

students compare gift certificates
Orbital - Lush

in the Scizzor Wizzard
Utah Saints - Ohio

in The Doo-Dad Shop
Jamiroquai - Virtual Insanity

in car
Whitetown - Your Woman

closing credits
Silverchair - Freak