Danger & Eggs (2015-2017): Season 1, Episode 3 - Raccoons/Sheriff Luke - full transcript

-[clucks] -♪ A kid, an egg,
a park, they do stuff ♪

MAN: But there's...
there's more to it than that.

♪ It's kind of hard to explain

-Sort of like a... just...
-Aah! Butterflies.

-Kind of, sort of, just,
you know. -Huh?

♪ It's kind of hard to explain

♪ Ah... it's called
Danger & Eggs.♪

[car horn honks, cars crash]

[whines, groans]

-[panting]
-Stop talking, Lydia.

We've got a substandard
raccoon here. Whoa.



Everyone, please, remain calm.

Is he gonna be okay?

She. Maybe.

We should never assume
with animals.

You, suit person.

Call an animalbulance, please.

Lydia, make this
happen yesterday.

I need an anblance... anibola...

-a anblum?
-[panting]

Animalbulance.

Hmm. I need an amnabulamance.

I think it's animal
and ambulance really fast.

[grunts]

Um, anyone else?



-[people groan]
-Okay.

I have been trained by myself
in the art of first aid...

D.D., wait!

Before touching
an outside animal,

put these gloves on.

Look for external signs of...

The gloves are on.

Oh.

Well...

Please, relax.

I've examined you, sir,

and will bandage your knee.

Then healing happens.

Uh?

-[heartbeat pounding]
-Uh-uh.

-[gasps]
-You see, D.D.?

Expert bandaging
leads to quick recovery.

-[car horn beeps]
-D.D.: Ooh.

Not that way.

As today's interim park ranger,
I say... [clears throat]

...to the woods.

Yeah, over there.

-[groans]
-Whoa.

Um, did everyone hear me say
"To the woods" with emphasis?

It's the only
sensible place for a...

[gasps] Whoa.
No, this makes sense.

I think this raccoon is...

[echoing]:
an outlier.

Individuals within species
are different.

Some individuals
are static in nature.

Others must roam.

That gives me an idea.

Fuzz bandit, you need
to get across that road

and live your truth.

Without being roadkill.

Presenting the Animals'
Once Forbidden Journey Megaway.

Patent pending.

An intricate system
of bridges and skyways

over the traffic.

I will build a model.

Or... I'll teach him
to use the crosswalk.

A raccoon?

Let's not be ridiculous.

[grumbles]

So I press the button.
You try.

[murmuring]

[rapid heartbeats]

Yes, yes, yes!

Phillip, Crackers gets it!

Oh, hey. I named you Crackers.

Whoa. Fast fingers.

Now, wait for the light
to change.

Here... hold my hand.

Look both ways.

Now we walk.

Hup-two, hup-two, hup-two.

-Phillip, he learned!
-[whimpering]

-What's the...?
-Where's my book?

I can't make my Megaway
without my book.

Aw, we'll find it.
Don't worry.

We just have
to retrace our steps.

Now, we started the day
practicing being angry

at that pie on the ground.

-Come on, pie.
-You really disappoint me, pie.

I lost the book
after that, when...

BOTH:
...we helped a raccoon.

-He took it.
-Aw, you probably

inspired him...

neat drawings, fixing stuff.

He's mocking me.

Nah, he's a dreamer,
just like us.

We'll follow this trail
of cracker crumbs.

[raccoon chattering]

D.D.:
Huh.

He's in here. Whoa!

He's learning computers
and making friends.

Great, we'll get the book and...

Aah! This is my idea.

Child and Adult-Proof
Safety Cover

for Dangerous Closets.

Crackers built that?

Huh. He's really
making something of himself.

It's my invention, D.D.
He just built it,

with precise precision.

I'll just invent a...

get-past-things invention.

D.D., I don't know
what to invent.

I think Crackers
is getting smarter

and I'm getting unsmarter.

You're going to be okay.

Oh, they're leaving,
let's follow 'em.

[chattering]

Whoa, they're getting great
with machines.

Wait. Let's sneak up on them.

Let's just go ask them
to hang out,

and you can make stuff together.

-Oh!
-Whoa!

Sigh.

It's my Hug Trap
for People Walking Slowly

Because They Might Be Sad.

Huh, they got away again.

Looks like he ran
out of crackers, though.

He'll get hungry.

No, Lydia. I don't care
if we have to be here all day.

I'm going to say

"ani-mole-bule."

"Anniheimenal."

"Annibule."

"Anibolmalance."

D.D., have you ever
lost something

and then you feel like
an empty shell?

Hey, now.
It'll be fine.

Isn't it wild how quickly
Crackers is learning

with the help of yourbook?
And look at you.

You invented
this amazing raccoon trap.

Well, it's a box, some string

and also a stick.

See? You still got it.

D.D., is he a better inventor
than I am?

It's not a competition.

Besides, he's just
a little animal

in an unfamiliar world.

I'm sure he's out there,
all scared and hungry.

♪

D.D., you really should
camouflage yourself.

The key to a trap

is the trapee not seeing
there is a trap.

I don't need a disguise
because Crackers likes me.

You're looking snazzy, though.

I'd say thank you

but a tree is the largest

and therefore
least grateful of plants.

Oh, here he comes.

[sniffing]

Oh, yeah.
Get those crackers, Crackers.

Mm?

Don't worry about that thing

that's over them.
[chuckles]

[whimpering]

Phillip, is that the mega skyway
from your book?

Much more mega and terrifying.

Crackers, wow!
I love your mega skyway.

I mean, except how it
blocks out the sun.

But otherwise
isn't it great, Phillip?

My No Bend Zen Garden Shovel

made un-Zen,
large, and terrifying.

Yeah. Um, Crackers,
all compliments aside,

let's take
a mega mecha pause here and...

-Whoa!
-Whoa!

-Whoa! -Whoa!

-Whoa!
-Whoa!

-Whoa! -Whoa!

[chattering]

Lydia, change the business plan.
I'm a raccoon now.

-Where were we? Right.
-[grumbling]

"Animo-la."
"Anblahblahblah."

"Aniwater."
Uh, "ani..."

Mm! Lydia, hold my calls

while I serve a higher order.

PHILLIP:
Psst.

D.D.

Phillip! I got sorted

into the job
of honorary raccoon.

They call this
"going through the motions."

They say we'll get used to it.

Are you, uh, supreme inventor
or something?

I'm Acting Interim...
[sighs]

I'm a decorative object.

What? That's not fair.

Crackers would be nothing
without your book.

I mean, even without the book,

he's super smart
and adorable, but...

[chatters]

Crackers, buddy, you know

I'm a big fan from way back.

But I got to say, it looks to me

like you're hogging the credit
a little here.

[chatters]

[all gasp]

Is that any way
to treat a fellow raccoon?

Interim Raccoon.

I want to go home.

-Who's coming with me?
-Okay.

[all chatter]

Animalbulance!

Oh!

[grunting]

[growling, chattering]

-D.D.!
-Hi... ya!

Lydia! [grunts]

I'm okay. I'll help these guys
get out and we can go.

[grumbles]

Wha...
He doesn't want to let us go.

Crackers, you're being
a control freak.

-[gasps]
-Phillip,

now would be the time
for you to invent

that get-past-stuff invention.

[grunts]

Not without my book.

Aah!

Come on, Phillip,
you don't need your book.

As Temporary
Revolutionary Thinker, I'll...

Ugh!
D.D., I can't.

You wrote the book.
It's a key part of you.

PHILLIP:
It is

a part...

[clears throat]
Presenting

Phillip's Key Parts Removal Key.

[grunting]

Hold on!

We've done this kind of thing
before.

Aah!

Whoa!

[chatters]

-Whoa! -Whoa!

-Aah! -Aah!

[grunting]

[raccoons chittering]

-[moans]
-I believed in you, Crackers.

And I still do.
Your future will wait for you,

but for now, I think
you need some time

to work on your people skills.
In the woods.

Yes. To the woods!

Mm?

[mutters]

-My book.
-You sure you need it?

No.

Well, I would like to build
that animal crossing bridge.

In case another outlier
wants to roam.

Yeah, we should probably
hold on to it, just to be safe.

[loud boom]

-[raccoon chatters]
-I didn't know

-you had a hovercraft
in your book. -Flying machines?

Never!

Crackers is getting
his own ideas.

♪

D.D. [grunting]:
Hmm, well, hmm.

Now the projection lasers
are too dim,

and-and why is smoke
coming out of those tubes?

You mean the smoke tubes?

N-Never mind.

The rules say
we should keep the lasers

at medium or less.

We could blind a bird or worse,
explode the moon.

Phillip! I'm so excited about
Give a Chicken a Medal Day.

Our Sky Spectacular
is going to be bananas!

I made a video of all the
highlights from last year.

Picture it.

CHILD:
Fantasy, fantasy, fantasy.

D.D.: While your mom gets her
medal, smoke and projections

will fill the sky with all
the greatest park memories,

while creating new memories

like everyone tossing me
in the air and screaming:

"D.D.
Best Sky Spectacular ever!"

[gasps]

But to get there,
we gotta keep working.

Oh, no.

I'm needed.

Phillip, we got to finish this.

Stop all corn activity.

Your sign could fall on a person
at any moment.

It may as well say, "Welcome
to the emergency room, victim."

I corn guy,

not guarantee-sign-hits-nobody
guy.

But, sir, there are rules.

LUKE:
Preach.

Dangling sign.
Breaks Festival Booth Rule 42-C

of the Fest and Fun Act.

A hundred hours of cleanup duty

and an apology to my keen-eyed
friend here.

After all,

-rules are rules, right?
-[gasps]

-Bam.
-Bam, indeed.

[groans] Now I'm that
guy-who-gets-a-ticket guy.

I'm sorry.

-[ratcheting]
-[D.D. grunts]

Okay. Mm-hmm.

[gasps]

You're back.
I need your help calibrating

the spectrum modulator
so I can...

What's the brightness level
on those projections?

Uh, they're somewhere
between medium and

"who are you,
where are you from,

and why are you here again?"

D.D., meet Luke.

Junior Sheriff.
Latchkey Division.

Projection permits are in order.

I'll be on my way.

Keep your nose clean.

-Squirt.
-Ugh.

Luke. Before you go, uh,
I was wondering.

This is a big festival
with a lot of rules, and...

I got you covered
like a blanket.

Bet you like that saying;
I just made it up.

[laughs] It will not soon
be forgotten, friend.

Allow me to show you

-everything.
-Uh, okay.

I will just single-handedly
fix this thing

for your mother's festival.

[pigeon coos]

The Visitor Center.

Closes at 6:00 p.m. sharp,
no exceptions.

No shirt, no shoes,
just wear clothes.

Service animals allowed
in the building,

but no other animals apply.
Hmm.

Solid rules.

And over here is the best part.

[echoing]:
The Hall of Rules.

A historical archive
of every rule

since the beginning of time...

of the park.

This place is quite a place.

D.D. thinks it's boring,
but it helps me relax.

The order is...

It gives you a little room in
your mind where you can hide,

'cause people don't understand

your rule-abiding love
of abiding rules.

Sure?

Oh, yes.

The Great Rule Duel of 1934.

Rule Master M. Gabriel

questioned then
sub master O'Mullholand

about shrub width.

Questioned the rule?

Yet another preach.

This history calls me.

I must answer.
Hello.

Okay. I'll give you
some privacy.

We have a big day tomorrow.

♪

It's festival day!

-All for you, Mom.
-[clucks]

-Oh.
-D.D.: Phillip!

Sorry for being frustrated,

but I had to finish everything
by myself,

because you were hanging out
with "Hey, squirt" guy.

Who, by the way,
put the Spectacular

-in jail.
-Um,

I'm sure there's a good
explanation, D.D.

Explanation? Try rule
cinco seispoint two.

"No electricity-based
entertainment

in front of elder's eyes."

-What?
-56.2?

That's from the
Geriatric Amendment of 1949

from the Hall of Rules.

That's an old rule.

An old rule
that's never been repealed.

None of 'em have.

-"Honeybees may not be used
as friends." -Hmm.

"Gentlemen must swear themselves
to foreign explorers."

-"Doth not haul fishes
into a tree mouth." -[groans]

-Why?
-This is bonkers, right?

-Phillip?
-I... I don't know.

-Rules are rules.
-[scoffs]

Are you kidding?

Rules like
"No open umbrellas near horses"?

-Nothing. The horse is fine.
-[panting]

But check the umbrella.

This squirt is playing
with fire.

"It's forbidden to sing
while imitating automatons"?

[robotic voice]: ♪ Phillip,
don't be a rule robot. ♪

You poke the bear,
you pay the piper.

"No ice cream publicly consumed

on any day with a 'D'
in its name"?

[mouth full]: How can ice cream
ever be wrong?

-D.D., you shouldn't.
-Stop.

Mmm. When it tastes so right?

Banished from the park. Bam.

Phillip.

-S-Say something.
-I, uh...

D.D., you broke all those rules,
and I...

Huh.

I can do it myself.

Come on, Spectacular.

We're banished from the park
and no one cares.

Uh... well...

Come on, Eggs.
We got to enforce some rules.

"Single riders must not be
larger than rides."

"All animals must wear
fancy clothes for dinner."

"Remove unlawful use
of community oxygen."

[playing "Taps"]

Señorito,I'll need
a performance permit for that.

["Taps" sputters to an end]

Look, Eggs.
I'm not much for words,

but I'd like you
to be my deputy.

Well, I...

-Um...
-You rule.

[microphone feedback]

Hey, Phillip!
How's the party?

That's "Luke's Deputy Phillip."

We're proud to say

that this is the most compliant
of all festivals.

Yeah, but it's also the saddest.

-Um, this is fine.
-[snoring]

As long as it's all up to code.

These old rules have got to go.

All rules are in place
for a reason.

D.D.: We didn't care about
the old rules last year.

And, and look!

Look how fun it was.

It's okay to question rules
sometimes.

They have to evolve.

-Like us.
-LUKE: Deputy.

Shut her down for...

uh, inciting disobedience

in clothing that reveals
multiple colors.

That's ridiculous.

What? What are you doing, Eggs?

Like the great M. Gabriel
before me,

I'm questioning the rules.

Yes! Way to go, Phillip.

I'll be right down.

But you need to follow rules.

It's your personality.

There's no way around it.

There's one way.

The Rule Duel.

If I win, all these old rules
get forgotten like amnesia.

The reset button of diseases.

And if I win you'll help me
enforce all rules.

No questioning.

Ever. Forever.

Okay.

Ease it down.

Yep. Careful as a careful does.

[balloons deflating]

Balloons may not exceed
37% inflated.

Take that.

Yet there are no restrictions

on the amount
of balloons allowed.

Presenting floating
bouncy-pad.

Which is a hovering structure

more than six inches
off the ground, therefore...

Must be operated
by a licensed pilot.

I'm a pilot
and I'm walking.

[growls]

Booths must not be within
five feet of each other.

But no height restrictions.

Super booth.

Cotton-candy-corn guy.

I almost forgot...

"Chickens, rabbits and ocelots

larger than five pounds are
an act of war."

That's right, Eggs.

Say hello to HARM:

Humongous Animal Removal
Militia.

Mom.

Phillip's mom.

I'll create a diversion.

You got to win this rule duel.

We are looking for
a humongous animal, people.

Let's do this quick and dirty.

Sorry, friend-o.

Rules are rules.

Ee-yah!

Losing visuals, Dashboard.

[dog barking]

[whoops]
Giant animal 11:00.

[dog barks]

Evasive maneuvers.

I love you, Banjo!

Oh, golly.

[laughing]

I'm going to crash into
its mouth.

Feed my cats.

[explosion]

PILOT:
Ugh.

Okay, giant chicken.

Lock on target,
we have a straight shot.

Sorry, Mom.

I did what I could.
Hmm?

[gasps]

-[gasps] No.
-Yes.

The first, oldest park rule.

A bird with a flower
in its mouth...

PILOT:
Is a symbol of peace.

Repeat, the chicken
is a symbol of peace.

We're going home.

Oh, I need a hard candy.

Hug.

Best Sky Spectacular ever.

Aw, thanks.

The day is yours.
You deserve this.

Rule 30-12 says that

"an individual may only retain
31 park duties at a time."

And I'm maxed out.

Put it in your pocket.

The only one wearing metal today

-is my mom. -[clucks]
-[applause]

♪ Minors, minors

♪ Under five feet of age
What?

♪ Must be, must be,
must be accompanied ♪

♪ By a large dog

♪ Why? Why? What?

♪ Why? Why?

♪ What?

♪ No red, red bikes in June?

♪ Why? Why?

♪ Never eat food while ingesting
other foods ♪

♪ Why? Why? Why? Why?

♪ Children using
interconnected fingers ♪

♪ While holding hands

♪ Are considered enemies
of the state ♪

♪ Of the state, why?

MAN:
Well, look at you.