Danger & Eggs (2015-2017): Season 1, Episode 10 - Check Mates/Pirate Gorgeous - full transcript
CHECK MATES D.D. wants to prove to Phillip that a game with no rules can be just as fun. It unleashes random forces of chaos. PIRATE GORGEOUS The friends perform a play on a real pirate ship and Phillip wants to be seen as a true performer, not just as an egg.
-[clucks] -♪ A kid, an egg,
a park, they do stuff ♪
MAN: But there's...
there's more to it than that.
♪ It's kind of hard to explain
-Sort of like a... just...
-Aah! Butterflies.
-Kind of, sort of, just,
you know. -Huh?
♪ It's kind of hard to explain
♪ Ah... it's called
Danger & Eggs.♪
Checkmate.
-[snoring]
-Thrill of victory.
Agony of defeat.
What? Is it my turn?
No, I won.
Thanks to hours spent
memorizing sequences of moves.
Congratulations.
[sighs]
Good memorizing.
D.D., I know you're mocking me,
but I got good at this game
because I prepared strategies.
I love strategies.
What? Where's the freedom?
The whim? Impulsive choices?
If chess was like life,
I'd be a grandmaster.
Like I am at life.
Take this little
horse-face trouble boy.
It always does the same thing.
Two squares in one direction,
one square in the other.
W-What if it wanted to go
five squares, uh, up your nose?
[laughs]
Please, D.D.,
let's get through one day
without you trying
to stick a knight up my nose.
I need games that have a little
more zigzagging, jab, jab, jab,
with my lance over there;
it's jelly, jelly tuna.
What's in your ear?
Don't look now, I got your book.
Hey.
So, another game tomorrow, then?
Yeah, maybe, but like you said,
I'm gonna need to prepare.
[Phillip groaning, yelling]
[yawns]
Huh?
Uh-huh.
[laughs softly]
Don't overthink it,
let your mess mind take control.
Creativity and improvisation.
Phillip!
I'm ready to play another game!
Um, I meant
play another game of chess.
This one's like chess,
but it's more like life.
And anything can happen.
It's called "Reali-Chess."
Patent granted.
Let's play.
[horn blows]
A mascot. How official.
[scoffs] Rooky the Rook
is more than a mascot.
He's also our referee.
-Ready, Rooky?
-Yes.
By the power vested in me by the
Supreme Council of Reali-Chess,
let the game begin.
Time out. Wait.
I don't know how we're supposed
to move our pieces.
Rooky, Book of Moves, please.
[Dmitri laughs softly]
D.D.:
The moves of Reali-Chess
are like a big,
beautiful blank canvas.
Or blank book.
Right. Pieces can mo-ooh-ove
as you choose.
But, what's the object
of the game?
How about... to capture
your opponent's crown.
Ah, not unlike classic chess,
-or shatranj, as it was known
in Persia. -[whistle blows]
Gotcha.
We have a winner.
Rematch. Rematch!
I need time
to prepare my strategy.
-[whistle blows]
-Oh, hey. -[grunting]
Well played.
Defensive maneuver.
Time to put the opening sequence
into action,
The Neo-Grunfeld,
Spassky Variation.
Deploy the decoy pawns, Reina,
my trusted advisor.
Aye-aye, Field Marshal Phillip.
[all grunting]
D.D. won't be able to resist
an attack.
Hurry, you need
to mount your steed
for the surprise counterattack.
-Ooh!
-[bleats]
[sighs]
-[Luke grunting]
-[raccoons chittering]
Line up, stay low, and be brave.
-Today, you're not raccoons.
-[raccoons chitter]
You're garbage-eating lions.
[horn blows]
Everyone, freeze!
Reali-Chess changeup.
Today's battle will be replaced
with Simon Says Yoga.
Here to lead the proceedings
is Yogini D.D.
Namaste. Everyone begin
with Reverse Warrior Pose.
Everyone, don't do it! Halt!
She did not say "Simon says."
Get his crown!
[raccoons grunting]
Ooh!
[Maude bleating]
[Maude bleating]
Lady Maude, you are my champion!
-[Maude bleats]
-Ooh!
As cuckoo-bananas
as Reali-Chess is,
I tip my hat to D.D.
It's the brain-teaseriest
brain teaser
that's ever teased this brain.
Yeah, D.D.'s truly the
generalissimo of the unexpected.
So, what's our next move?
To defeat the unexpected,
one must expect the unexpected!
D.D.:
Coming through!
[laughs]
Whoa, yeah.
Ba, ba, bow.
Ooh, I am loving this game.
Hey, that's mine,
you feathered rats!
Here you are: a healthy blend of
seeds for your winged friends.
And you have something for me?
I'm not sure of the correct
Reali-Chess terminology,
but in chess-chess, the
expression is check and mate.
Or is it?
Of course it is.
-I have your...
-Phony-baloney crown.
The Fugazi defense,
an admirable stratagem.
And one that I anticipated.
Oh, BL1P!
[whirring, beeping]
Whoa, hey!
[grunts]
PHILLIP:
I've got it. I'm faster.
-D.D.: I'm faster.
-I'm... well, that's true.
-I was here first!
-I was here first!
PHILLIP:
Holograms.
Ugh, you dirty little
tricky lights.
-[kazoo blows] -Referee Rooky,
where are those crowns?
It doesn't matter.
By the power vested in me
by the blank Book of Moves,
the game has changed.
Crowns are out.
The new object
of the game is to...
[plays fanfare]
...win the chili cook-off!
[grunts]
Ooh, ooh. Yeah.
[laughing]: Ooh.
Hot peppers, mm-hmm.
A hot sauce, ooh, hot potatoes
and hot pants.
[humming]
Massage the beans.
Prepare to lose, D.D.
My Not-Too-Spicy
Three Bean Medley
has won several awards
on mom-blogs.
[D.D. scoffs]
When it comes to chili,
the only thing that matters
is face-melting hotness.
[sizzling]
[whimpers]
[fan whirring]
[screams]
[panting]
Ha. Blog about that, moms!
Is that game-over chili or what?
[moans]
[D.D. scoffs]
Yes!
Ah, hey.
Oh.
[sighs]
[plays harmonica]
It seems we have a tie!
Ugh!
Think it'll burn
through the Earth
and damage
diplomatic relationships
with whatever country's
on the other side?
I looked it up; it's not China.
China will be fine.
I'm more concerned about
damaging diplomatic relations
with what's directly
under the park.
Gasp. You mean, the underground
lab? And the huge, tentacle-y...
[screaming]
-D.D.: Run!
-PHILLIP: This is familiar.
-[tentacle snorting]
-It seems things
have gotten a little too real
with Reali-Chess.
D.D.:
Uh, just a little.
[phone beeping]
[alarm ringing]
That park again?
Scramble choppers.
Scramble choppers!
I want my choppers scrambled!
Glad I spent all night
building this tower.
[sighs] Yes, whew,
the stone walls will protect us.
Wait, is this paper-mache?
Pretty convincing, right?
[wall crunches]
[screeches]
[clucks]
[tentacle whimpers]
CAPTAIN BANJO [over radio]:
Target in my sights.
Release the big nets!
[snorting]
Congratulations
on your victory, D.D.
I could never prepare
for a game like this,
not with all the strategy
in the world.
Some victory.
Look at it out there.
And all because I wanted
to unleash the forces
of random chaos...
for fun.
Hmm. Maybe we should
call it a draw.
I need to go back
to an old-timey chess move
and sacrifice the queen.
I'm the queen.
If I let that tentacle eat me,
it'll leave
everybody else alone.
No, old chess strategy
won't be enough.
We'll need creativity
and improvisation.
-[tentacle roars]
-[horn blows]
CAPTAIN BANJO [over speaker]:
Egg with the flag!
Don't know if you know, honey,
but you're in danger.
This is a truce flag.
We are here to negotiate.
That death noodle
don't negotiate.
Get, get, get!
[tentacle roars]
[roars]
[tentacle snorts]
[crowd gasping]
Close up that portal
to the underground inferno
and get back to base.
We might need to plan
a search and rescue, y'all.
[helicopter whirring]
[pigeons cooing]
[gasps] Eggs, the Squirt.
This is still
part of the game, right?
[crowd gasps]
-PHILLIP Is it safe?
-D.D.: Did it work?
BL1P:
Affirmative and affirmative.
I'm pleased
my hologram generating ability
was a force for positive change.
-[Phillip gasps]
-Hmm.
[crowd gasps, screams]
-WOMAN: They're alive!
-WOMAN 2: She's okay!
-MAN: Girl and egg! -MAN 2:
I thought they went in the hole!
[crowd whoops, cheers]
Thanks a lot.
Your game wrecked the park,
and it wrecked my feelings
when I thought you were hurt.
Aw, we're okay, and we're sorry.
We'll fix the park up
as good as new.
We've done this
kind of thing before.
It'll be a lot of hard work, but
we can make a game out of it.
Aw, I love games!
♪
Got 'em! Every flavor
of donut in the city,
including...
mustard salt.
Nice! Smush 'em in.
Future people,
congratulations on finding
our big ol' tree mouth
time capsule.
We, D.D. and Phillip, give
you treasures from the past.
Donuts, news on paper,
a traffic cone from
before cars could fly...
-[camera whirs]
-...and became your overlords.
-[camera whirs] -Now we'll
wait here for 100 years
to see which donuts you like.
Phillip, D.D.,
I could use your help.
-Okay, bye.
-[static crackles]
I need you guys to be
in a play tonight.
All of the other actors
just... quit.
Ooh, sounds like
a nasty, bad play.
The writer/director,
Francesca Whiz,
is just... really hard
to work with.
Francesca Whiz.
Her script, Pirate Gorgeous,
won the prestigious
Written Good Achievement Grant.
She's the only kid to ever win,
so she gets to put on her own
play on a real pirate ship.
Gasp.
Agenda change, Phillip!
Let's help this Francesca
and... her pirate ship.
If she needs actors,
oh, we'll bring her actors.
Well, maybe I could help
in some way instead of acting?
I have shape concern.
Well, it's more of a...
It's kind of an emergency.
-Emergency?!
-[alarm blares]
Okay, Phillip, fortify.
You're welcome, the future.
♪
D.D.:
Let me on that pirate ship!
-[rope snaps]
-Whoa.
Quiet on set!
People, come on, please.
I have no time.
A vision? Yes.
Time? Uh-uh. Quiet!
I'm back with more actors.
Hey.
Heard you're hard to work with.
-FRANCESCA: What happened to
the old actors? -They quit.
They didn't like your,
well... gentle screams?
[screams]
Ugh, okay.
Just catch the new ones up.
Ugh! Like I need this stress.
Stress?! Oh, no.
Stress is nature's,
um, a lot of things.
Your heart pumps faster,
your blood pressure soars,
unnecessary functions shut down,
digestion stops.
That's making me more stressed!
Take a deep breath.
[inhales deeply]
Oh, wow, that feels... wow.
This is Phillip,
he knows about this stuff.
I think he's gonna really
be able to help out.
D.D.:
Yeah, I don't think so.
People who make everyone quit
and would net someone
before they even
get to know them
might need some time alone.
Back to the time capsule.
-Okay, fine, don't support me.
-[D.D. straining]
I sold the tickets
and the show must go on.
D.D., wait.
I think we can all calmly...
-Francesca, breathe...
-[inhales deeply]
...find a way to
make this work for everyone.
Please, I really want
to do this play.
Okay, fine. I'm in.
Okay, good, that's over.
-First, we need to...
-Get on the pirate ship!
FRANCESCA:
...get on the pirate ship.
You are the mermaid.
Um, in your vision,
I guess I could portray
a believable mermaid.
But I'm, uh, much more...
valuable backstage;
-lever-pulling,
-[bell dings]
light-shining,
door-trapping.
Ah!
-GOMEZ: I'm fine.
-Ugh.
Okay, breathe.
[inhales deeply]
Right now, receive direction.
Just play "The Mermaid."
Zero dialogue.
Please. Please.
Okay, everyone,
you saw my vision,
I got it all in the script.
Now, we begin.
Pirate Gorgeous is in a race
to find Bigbeard's jewels.
Backdrop, wind and water.
Thunder!
-Release backdrop, medium fan.
-[levers cranking]
Level three ripple,
level two thunder.
[grunts]
[powering up]
Argh, Cap'n?
Thee deadly squall!
We're sailing right fer it!
Let it come, First Mate Gil.
I'll not deviate me ship,
The Squawking Inferno,
from this map's course
until we find Bigbeard's jewels.
Looky Lou? Prepare the sail.
Aye, Captain.
Argh! Ooh!
-FRANCESCA: Stop, please.
-Ah!
Sorry, sorry. Heh.
Stop. Um... Lou.
The script says,
"clambers down,"
not "swings all over
the place down."
Right, I just thought I would
add some whoosh-whoosh
to the moment,
to make it ba-na-nas.
Whooshing would be exciting.
With precautions taken,
of course.
Okay, but look, Looky Lou
isn't the whoosh kind.
And if she's whooshy here,
and not whooshy later...
[laughs]
it's, it's nonsense, see?
Script.
Aye, aye.
-[thunder crashes]
-Captain?
[ropes creak]
-[phone chimes]
-[boy yawns] -[man snores]
What if your map
is wrong, Gorgeous?
Nonsense, Quartermaster Carl.
To deviate from one's map is
to be adrift for all eternity.
Argh!
My lumpy ear hears a-somethin'.
Here goes nothing.
Captain, starboard side.
-[vocalizing]
-D.D.: A mermaid!
-[audience laughs]
-Mm.
REINA:
'Tis the loveliest sight
me eyes has ever seen.
-Yeah, that mermaid is
"egg-cellent." -[man snoring]
[audience laughs]
Oh, no.
WOMAN [giggles]:
Oh, look.
An egg cat?
[grumbles]:
Uh, just, I'm just a cat.
WOMAN:
Egg stop sign. Cool.
No, it's...
I'm just a stop sign.
WOMAN:
An... egg timer?
A... time machine.
Crying out loud.
[audience laughs]
Don't listen to
The Mermaid, mates.
Her siren spell is an evil one
and she means to destroy us all.
You mean she'll...
"egg-xact" revenge.
-[audience laughs]
-[switch clicks]
She's gone.
Uh... let's follow her.
'Cause she's awesome,
and her shape is awesome,
and everyone might think
that they know what a mermaid
is supposed to look like, but
who even sets those standards?
[whispers]:
Stay on script.
Argh, we must get The Mermaid
out of our minds
and stick to the map.
To the jewels!
Stay the course through
the night, me loyal crew.
Now, I rest.
CREW:
Night-aye, Captain!
Uh, the captain forbids us
from finding such an
enchanting creature.
"Egg-chanting" creatures
are hard to find, for sure.
-[audience laughs]
-Ugh.
If the Captain forbids us
from finding this seriously so
beautiful and perfect mermaid,
uh, then we have no choice
but to mutiny!
Yargh!
They're "hatching" a plan.
-[woman chuckles]
-[audience laughs]
-FELICIA: Forget them.
-TYRONIUS: Ugh, so mean.
Phillip, are you okay?
I saw this coming.
My whole life,
whenever I dress up,
people only see me as
"an egg in a costume."
It's humiliating.
We need to teach
that audience a lesson.
Yeah, eggs can be
fabu-some mermaids.
And cats and time machines.
I've got an idea.
The Mermaid reappears again,
-but this time...
-Oh, please.
Please.
The mermaid only appears once.
The rest of the story is this:
Looky Lou's mutiny fails,
she's forced to walk the plank,
a-and The Inferno
follows the map
to find Bigbeard's treasure.
Ha-ha.
Well, let's just
change the story.
I love improvising.
Anything could happen.
I can do this one dance.
♪ Ooh, do-do-do,
ooh, oh, ooh, oh, oh ♪
FRANCESCA:
Intermission's over! Places!
And please, ugh,
just stick to the
award-winning script.
D.D., that's your
"I'm plotting" face.
That audience needs
to really expand their minds
about what a mermaid
can look like.
And I want you to have
a good time out there,
so I think the place
to start is...
-[thunder crashes]
-Mutiny!
All this for a mermaid?
A mermaid we'd all like
to be good friends to.
[Francesca grunting]
Avast, ye wretched goon.
Victory be mine, Lou.
[D.D. grunting]
You're scared to deviate
from your map, Gorgeous,
but we argh-n't!
[map splashes]
FRANCESCA: Uh, 'tis wise
to surrender to me, Looky Lou.
"Looky Lou gives up her sword
and says, 'Have Mercy.'"
No mercy!
[Francesca yells]
Uh. Hi-ya!
[whistles]
[audience gasps]
D.D.:
Mutiny victory be ours!
CREW:
Argh!
-[audience cheers]
-[Gomez vocalizing]
D.D.:
Ha! Whoo, ah! [chuckles]
My play, my vision, it's ruined.
The audience likes
the whooshing and rope stuff.
Going back out there is
better than sitting here, sad.
I want to, but...
it was going to be perfect.
And then it went... off course.
You expected a perfect play.
The audience expected
a perfect mermaid.
And you were both disappointed.
-D.D.: Whoo-hoo!
-[audience cheers]
Someone's not disappointed.
D.D.'s a spin, fly, kickflip
by the seat of her pants
kind of person.
If she hadn't
changed my plans today,
I'd still be waiting
by a tree for 100 years
to see if future people
like donuts.
She does seem to be having fun;
no perfect vision,
no stress, no expectations.
Wanting things to be what we
expect is good, to a point,
but maybe we could try
D.D.'s way.
[pulleys rattling]
[audience gasps]
Cap'n, how?
Ye were right, Lou.
The Mermaid was
worth fighting for.
She transformed my body and
saved me from the murky depths.
Oh, this is actually
getting "egg-citing."
AUDIENCE:
Shh!
I'll lead you to
the ends of the Earth,
where we shall find the
majestic, glorious...
Mermaid.
Are you with me?!
CREW:
Argh!
[electricity crackles]
[Francesca and D.D.
yelling and grunting]
-Ha!
-[thunder crashes]
[audience gasps]
-[all grunting]
-Slash!
-Whee! -Sling!
-Ah!
FRANCESCA:
The end of the Earth.
Oh, mystical Mermaid,
we have come for you
to save us all.
[shimmers]
-Oh, that mermaid is
pretty beautiful. -[applause]
The Mermaid has bestowed upon us
new, glorious forms.
Uh, pirates,
you bravely deviated
from your map
to answer my call,
so, as Mermaid in-residence,
I have another treasure
to bestow upon you.
This key leads to
a large supply of donuts.
Which, I just realized,
shouldn't be kept in a tree
due to countless
bacteria issues.
So, who wants donuts?
-[crew cheering]
-Donuts!
[powering up]
-Mermaid!
-Donuts!
[chanting]:
Donuts, donuts!
Mermaid!
[fireworks exploding]
D.D.:
♪ Mutiny
-♪ Argh -♪ Argh
-♪ Argh -♪ Argh
D.D.: ♪ G-G-G-G-Get
on the pirate ship ♪
-[pirate ship creaks]
-[waves crash]
-♪ Argh -♪ Argh
-♪ Argh -♪ Argh
[thunder crashes]
♪
D.D.:
♪ Ba-na-nas
AUDIENCE:
♪ Mermaid. Donuts.
PHILLIP:
You're welcome, the future.
[thunder crashes]
MAN:
Well, look at you.
a park, they do stuff ♪
MAN: But there's...
there's more to it than that.
♪ It's kind of hard to explain
-Sort of like a... just...
-Aah! Butterflies.
-Kind of, sort of, just,
you know. -Huh?
♪ It's kind of hard to explain
♪ Ah... it's called
Danger & Eggs.♪
Checkmate.
-[snoring]
-Thrill of victory.
Agony of defeat.
What? Is it my turn?
No, I won.
Thanks to hours spent
memorizing sequences of moves.
Congratulations.
[sighs]
Good memorizing.
D.D., I know you're mocking me,
but I got good at this game
because I prepared strategies.
I love strategies.
What? Where's the freedom?
The whim? Impulsive choices?
If chess was like life,
I'd be a grandmaster.
Like I am at life.
Take this little
horse-face trouble boy.
It always does the same thing.
Two squares in one direction,
one square in the other.
W-What if it wanted to go
five squares, uh, up your nose?
[laughs]
Please, D.D.,
let's get through one day
without you trying
to stick a knight up my nose.
I need games that have a little
more zigzagging, jab, jab, jab,
with my lance over there;
it's jelly, jelly tuna.
What's in your ear?
Don't look now, I got your book.
Hey.
So, another game tomorrow, then?
Yeah, maybe, but like you said,
I'm gonna need to prepare.
[Phillip groaning, yelling]
[yawns]
Huh?
Uh-huh.
[laughs softly]
Don't overthink it,
let your mess mind take control.
Creativity and improvisation.
Phillip!
I'm ready to play another game!
Um, I meant
play another game of chess.
This one's like chess,
but it's more like life.
And anything can happen.
It's called "Reali-Chess."
Patent granted.
Let's play.
[horn blows]
A mascot. How official.
[scoffs] Rooky the Rook
is more than a mascot.
He's also our referee.
-Ready, Rooky?
-Yes.
By the power vested in me by the
Supreme Council of Reali-Chess,
let the game begin.
Time out. Wait.
I don't know how we're supposed
to move our pieces.
Rooky, Book of Moves, please.
[Dmitri laughs softly]
D.D.:
The moves of Reali-Chess
are like a big,
beautiful blank canvas.
Or blank book.
Right. Pieces can mo-ooh-ove
as you choose.
But, what's the object
of the game?
How about... to capture
your opponent's crown.
Ah, not unlike classic chess,
-or shatranj, as it was known
in Persia. -[whistle blows]
Gotcha.
We have a winner.
Rematch. Rematch!
I need time
to prepare my strategy.
-[whistle blows]
-Oh, hey. -[grunting]
Well played.
Defensive maneuver.
Time to put the opening sequence
into action,
The Neo-Grunfeld,
Spassky Variation.
Deploy the decoy pawns, Reina,
my trusted advisor.
Aye-aye, Field Marshal Phillip.
[all grunting]
D.D. won't be able to resist
an attack.
Hurry, you need
to mount your steed
for the surprise counterattack.
-Ooh!
-[bleats]
[sighs]
-[Luke grunting]
-[raccoons chittering]
Line up, stay low, and be brave.
-Today, you're not raccoons.
-[raccoons chitter]
You're garbage-eating lions.
[horn blows]
Everyone, freeze!
Reali-Chess changeup.
Today's battle will be replaced
with Simon Says Yoga.
Here to lead the proceedings
is Yogini D.D.
Namaste. Everyone begin
with Reverse Warrior Pose.
Everyone, don't do it! Halt!
She did not say "Simon says."
Get his crown!
[raccoons grunting]
Ooh!
[Maude bleating]
[Maude bleating]
Lady Maude, you are my champion!
-[Maude bleats]
-Ooh!
As cuckoo-bananas
as Reali-Chess is,
I tip my hat to D.D.
It's the brain-teaseriest
brain teaser
that's ever teased this brain.
Yeah, D.D.'s truly the
generalissimo of the unexpected.
So, what's our next move?
To defeat the unexpected,
one must expect the unexpected!
D.D.:
Coming through!
[laughs]
Whoa, yeah.
Ba, ba, bow.
Ooh, I am loving this game.
Hey, that's mine,
you feathered rats!
Here you are: a healthy blend of
seeds for your winged friends.
And you have something for me?
I'm not sure of the correct
Reali-Chess terminology,
but in chess-chess, the
expression is check and mate.
Or is it?
Of course it is.
-I have your...
-Phony-baloney crown.
The Fugazi defense,
an admirable stratagem.
And one that I anticipated.
Oh, BL1P!
[whirring, beeping]
Whoa, hey!
[grunts]
PHILLIP:
I've got it. I'm faster.
-D.D.: I'm faster.
-I'm... well, that's true.
-I was here first!
-I was here first!
PHILLIP:
Holograms.
Ugh, you dirty little
tricky lights.
-[kazoo blows] -Referee Rooky,
where are those crowns?
It doesn't matter.
By the power vested in me
by the blank Book of Moves,
the game has changed.
Crowns are out.
The new object
of the game is to...
[plays fanfare]
...win the chili cook-off!
[grunts]
Ooh, ooh. Yeah.
[laughing]: Ooh.
Hot peppers, mm-hmm.
A hot sauce, ooh, hot potatoes
and hot pants.
[humming]
Massage the beans.
Prepare to lose, D.D.
My Not-Too-Spicy
Three Bean Medley
has won several awards
on mom-blogs.
[D.D. scoffs]
When it comes to chili,
the only thing that matters
is face-melting hotness.
[sizzling]
[whimpers]
[fan whirring]
[screams]
[panting]
Ha. Blog about that, moms!
Is that game-over chili or what?
[moans]
[D.D. scoffs]
Yes!
Ah, hey.
Oh.
[sighs]
[plays harmonica]
It seems we have a tie!
Ugh!
Think it'll burn
through the Earth
and damage
diplomatic relationships
with whatever country's
on the other side?
I looked it up; it's not China.
China will be fine.
I'm more concerned about
damaging diplomatic relations
with what's directly
under the park.
Gasp. You mean, the underground
lab? And the huge, tentacle-y...
[screaming]
-D.D.: Run!
-PHILLIP: This is familiar.
-[tentacle snorting]
-It seems things
have gotten a little too real
with Reali-Chess.
D.D.:
Uh, just a little.
[phone beeping]
[alarm ringing]
That park again?
Scramble choppers.
Scramble choppers!
I want my choppers scrambled!
Glad I spent all night
building this tower.
[sighs] Yes, whew,
the stone walls will protect us.
Wait, is this paper-mache?
Pretty convincing, right?
[wall crunches]
[screeches]
[clucks]
[tentacle whimpers]
CAPTAIN BANJO [over radio]:
Target in my sights.
Release the big nets!
[snorting]
Congratulations
on your victory, D.D.
I could never prepare
for a game like this,
not with all the strategy
in the world.
Some victory.
Look at it out there.
And all because I wanted
to unleash the forces
of random chaos...
for fun.
Hmm. Maybe we should
call it a draw.
I need to go back
to an old-timey chess move
and sacrifice the queen.
I'm the queen.
If I let that tentacle eat me,
it'll leave
everybody else alone.
No, old chess strategy
won't be enough.
We'll need creativity
and improvisation.
-[tentacle roars]
-[horn blows]
CAPTAIN BANJO [over speaker]:
Egg with the flag!
Don't know if you know, honey,
but you're in danger.
This is a truce flag.
We are here to negotiate.
That death noodle
don't negotiate.
Get, get, get!
[tentacle roars]
[roars]
[tentacle snorts]
[crowd gasping]
Close up that portal
to the underground inferno
and get back to base.
We might need to plan
a search and rescue, y'all.
[helicopter whirring]
[pigeons cooing]
[gasps] Eggs, the Squirt.
This is still
part of the game, right?
[crowd gasps]
-PHILLIP Is it safe?
-D.D.: Did it work?
BL1P:
Affirmative and affirmative.
I'm pleased
my hologram generating ability
was a force for positive change.
-[Phillip gasps]
-Hmm.
[crowd gasps, screams]
-WOMAN: They're alive!
-WOMAN 2: She's okay!
-MAN: Girl and egg! -MAN 2:
I thought they went in the hole!
[crowd whoops, cheers]
Thanks a lot.
Your game wrecked the park,
and it wrecked my feelings
when I thought you were hurt.
Aw, we're okay, and we're sorry.
We'll fix the park up
as good as new.
We've done this
kind of thing before.
It'll be a lot of hard work, but
we can make a game out of it.
Aw, I love games!
♪
Got 'em! Every flavor
of donut in the city,
including...
mustard salt.
Nice! Smush 'em in.
Future people,
congratulations on finding
our big ol' tree mouth
time capsule.
We, D.D. and Phillip, give
you treasures from the past.
Donuts, news on paper,
a traffic cone from
before cars could fly...
-[camera whirs]
-...and became your overlords.
-[camera whirs] -Now we'll
wait here for 100 years
to see which donuts you like.
Phillip, D.D.,
I could use your help.
-Okay, bye.
-[static crackles]
I need you guys to be
in a play tonight.
All of the other actors
just... quit.
Ooh, sounds like
a nasty, bad play.
The writer/director,
Francesca Whiz,
is just... really hard
to work with.
Francesca Whiz.
Her script, Pirate Gorgeous,
won the prestigious
Written Good Achievement Grant.
She's the only kid to ever win,
so she gets to put on her own
play on a real pirate ship.
Gasp.
Agenda change, Phillip!
Let's help this Francesca
and... her pirate ship.
If she needs actors,
oh, we'll bring her actors.
Well, maybe I could help
in some way instead of acting?
I have shape concern.
Well, it's more of a...
It's kind of an emergency.
-Emergency?!
-[alarm blares]
Okay, Phillip, fortify.
You're welcome, the future.
♪
D.D.:
Let me on that pirate ship!
-[rope snaps]
-Whoa.
Quiet on set!
People, come on, please.
I have no time.
A vision? Yes.
Time? Uh-uh. Quiet!
I'm back with more actors.
Hey.
Heard you're hard to work with.
-FRANCESCA: What happened to
the old actors? -They quit.
They didn't like your,
well... gentle screams?
[screams]
Ugh, okay.
Just catch the new ones up.
Ugh! Like I need this stress.
Stress?! Oh, no.
Stress is nature's,
um, a lot of things.
Your heart pumps faster,
your blood pressure soars,
unnecessary functions shut down,
digestion stops.
That's making me more stressed!
Take a deep breath.
[inhales deeply]
Oh, wow, that feels... wow.
This is Phillip,
he knows about this stuff.
I think he's gonna really
be able to help out.
D.D.:
Yeah, I don't think so.
People who make everyone quit
and would net someone
before they even
get to know them
might need some time alone.
Back to the time capsule.
-Okay, fine, don't support me.
-[D.D. straining]
I sold the tickets
and the show must go on.
D.D., wait.
I think we can all calmly...
-Francesca, breathe...
-[inhales deeply]
...find a way to
make this work for everyone.
Please, I really want
to do this play.
Okay, fine. I'm in.
Okay, good, that's over.
-First, we need to...
-Get on the pirate ship!
FRANCESCA:
...get on the pirate ship.
You are the mermaid.
Um, in your vision,
I guess I could portray
a believable mermaid.
But I'm, uh, much more...
valuable backstage;
-lever-pulling,
-[bell dings]
light-shining,
door-trapping.
Ah!
-GOMEZ: I'm fine.
-Ugh.
Okay, breathe.
[inhales deeply]
Right now, receive direction.
Just play "The Mermaid."
Zero dialogue.
Please. Please.
Okay, everyone,
you saw my vision,
I got it all in the script.
Now, we begin.
Pirate Gorgeous is in a race
to find Bigbeard's jewels.
Backdrop, wind and water.
Thunder!
-Release backdrop, medium fan.
-[levers cranking]
Level three ripple,
level two thunder.
[grunts]
[powering up]
Argh, Cap'n?
Thee deadly squall!
We're sailing right fer it!
Let it come, First Mate Gil.
I'll not deviate me ship,
The Squawking Inferno,
from this map's course
until we find Bigbeard's jewels.
Looky Lou? Prepare the sail.
Aye, Captain.
Argh! Ooh!
-FRANCESCA: Stop, please.
-Ah!
Sorry, sorry. Heh.
Stop. Um... Lou.
The script says,
"clambers down,"
not "swings all over
the place down."
Right, I just thought I would
add some whoosh-whoosh
to the moment,
to make it ba-na-nas.
Whooshing would be exciting.
With precautions taken,
of course.
Okay, but look, Looky Lou
isn't the whoosh kind.
And if she's whooshy here,
and not whooshy later...
[laughs]
it's, it's nonsense, see?
Script.
Aye, aye.
-[thunder crashes]
-Captain?
[ropes creak]
-[phone chimes]
-[boy yawns] -[man snores]
What if your map
is wrong, Gorgeous?
Nonsense, Quartermaster Carl.
To deviate from one's map is
to be adrift for all eternity.
Argh!
My lumpy ear hears a-somethin'.
Here goes nothing.
Captain, starboard side.
-[vocalizing]
-D.D.: A mermaid!
-[audience laughs]
-Mm.
REINA:
'Tis the loveliest sight
me eyes has ever seen.
-Yeah, that mermaid is
"egg-cellent." -[man snoring]
[audience laughs]
Oh, no.
WOMAN [giggles]:
Oh, look.
An egg cat?
[grumbles]:
Uh, just, I'm just a cat.
WOMAN:
Egg stop sign. Cool.
No, it's...
I'm just a stop sign.
WOMAN:
An... egg timer?
A... time machine.
Crying out loud.
[audience laughs]
Don't listen to
The Mermaid, mates.
Her siren spell is an evil one
and she means to destroy us all.
You mean she'll...
"egg-xact" revenge.
-[audience laughs]
-[switch clicks]
She's gone.
Uh... let's follow her.
'Cause she's awesome,
and her shape is awesome,
and everyone might think
that they know what a mermaid
is supposed to look like, but
who even sets those standards?
[whispers]:
Stay on script.
Argh, we must get The Mermaid
out of our minds
and stick to the map.
To the jewels!
Stay the course through
the night, me loyal crew.
Now, I rest.
CREW:
Night-aye, Captain!
Uh, the captain forbids us
from finding such an
enchanting creature.
"Egg-chanting" creatures
are hard to find, for sure.
-[audience laughs]
-Ugh.
If the Captain forbids us
from finding this seriously so
beautiful and perfect mermaid,
uh, then we have no choice
but to mutiny!
Yargh!
They're "hatching" a plan.
-[woman chuckles]
-[audience laughs]
-FELICIA: Forget them.
-TYRONIUS: Ugh, so mean.
Phillip, are you okay?
I saw this coming.
My whole life,
whenever I dress up,
people only see me as
"an egg in a costume."
It's humiliating.
We need to teach
that audience a lesson.
Yeah, eggs can be
fabu-some mermaids.
And cats and time machines.
I've got an idea.
The Mermaid reappears again,
-but this time...
-Oh, please.
Please.
The mermaid only appears once.
The rest of the story is this:
Looky Lou's mutiny fails,
she's forced to walk the plank,
a-and The Inferno
follows the map
to find Bigbeard's treasure.
Ha-ha.
Well, let's just
change the story.
I love improvising.
Anything could happen.
I can do this one dance.
♪ Ooh, do-do-do,
ooh, oh, ooh, oh, oh ♪
FRANCESCA:
Intermission's over! Places!
And please, ugh,
just stick to the
award-winning script.
D.D., that's your
"I'm plotting" face.
That audience needs
to really expand their minds
about what a mermaid
can look like.
And I want you to have
a good time out there,
so I think the place
to start is...
-[thunder crashes]
-Mutiny!
All this for a mermaid?
A mermaid we'd all like
to be good friends to.
[Francesca grunting]
Avast, ye wretched goon.
Victory be mine, Lou.
[D.D. grunting]
You're scared to deviate
from your map, Gorgeous,
but we argh-n't!
[map splashes]
FRANCESCA: Uh, 'tis wise
to surrender to me, Looky Lou.
"Looky Lou gives up her sword
and says, 'Have Mercy.'"
No mercy!
[Francesca yells]
Uh. Hi-ya!
[whistles]
[audience gasps]
D.D.:
Mutiny victory be ours!
CREW:
Argh!
-[audience cheers]
-[Gomez vocalizing]
D.D.:
Ha! Whoo, ah! [chuckles]
My play, my vision, it's ruined.
The audience likes
the whooshing and rope stuff.
Going back out there is
better than sitting here, sad.
I want to, but...
it was going to be perfect.
And then it went... off course.
You expected a perfect play.
The audience expected
a perfect mermaid.
And you were both disappointed.
-D.D.: Whoo-hoo!
-[audience cheers]
Someone's not disappointed.
D.D.'s a spin, fly, kickflip
by the seat of her pants
kind of person.
If she hadn't
changed my plans today,
I'd still be waiting
by a tree for 100 years
to see if future people
like donuts.
She does seem to be having fun;
no perfect vision,
no stress, no expectations.
Wanting things to be what we
expect is good, to a point,
but maybe we could try
D.D.'s way.
[pulleys rattling]
[audience gasps]
Cap'n, how?
Ye were right, Lou.
The Mermaid was
worth fighting for.
She transformed my body and
saved me from the murky depths.
Oh, this is actually
getting "egg-citing."
AUDIENCE:
Shh!
I'll lead you to
the ends of the Earth,
where we shall find the
majestic, glorious...
Mermaid.
Are you with me?!
CREW:
Argh!
[electricity crackles]
[Francesca and D.D.
yelling and grunting]
-Ha!
-[thunder crashes]
[audience gasps]
-[all grunting]
-Slash!
-Whee! -Sling!
-Ah!
FRANCESCA:
The end of the Earth.
Oh, mystical Mermaid,
we have come for you
to save us all.
[shimmers]
-Oh, that mermaid is
pretty beautiful. -[applause]
The Mermaid has bestowed upon us
new, glorious forms.
Uh, pirates,
you bravely deviated
from your map
to answer my call,
so, as Mermaid in-residence,
I have another treasure
to bestow upon you.
This key leads to
a large supply of donuts.
Which, I just realized,
shouldn't be kept in a tree
due to countless
bacteria issues.
So, who wants donuts?
-[crew cheering]
-Donuts!
[powering up]
-Mermaid!
-Donuts!
[chanting]:
Donuts, donuts!
Mermaid!
[fireworks exploding]
D.D.:
♪ Mutiny
-♪ Argh -♪ Argh
-♪ Argh -♪ Argh
D.D.: ♪ G-G-G-G-Get
on the pirate ship ♪
-[pirate ship creaks]
-[waves crash]
-♪ Argh -♪ Argh
-♪ Argh -♪ Argh
[thunder crashes]
♪
D.D.:
♪ Ba-na-nas
AUDIENCE:
♪ Mermaid. Donuts.
PHILLIP:
You're welcome, the future.
[thunder crashes]
MAN:
Well, look at you.