Danger & Eggs (2015-2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Tube of Pain/Broccoli - full transcript

-[clucks] -♪ A kid, an egg,
a park, they do stuff ♪

MAN: But there's...
there's more to it than that.

♪ It's kind of hard to explain

-Sort of like a... just...
-Aah! Butterflies.

-Kind of, sort of, just,
you know. -Huh?

♪ It's kind of hard to explain

♪ Ah... it's called
Danger & Eggs.♪

[squeak]

Knock, knock. Phillip?

[groans]
D.D. Huh? Is it camera day?

It's camera day.



I'm feeling excitement
in my belly. Wait, no.

-Stuck in my mom.
-[clucks]

-[groans] -Check it,
the Frontal Skull Cam 2000,

made for extreme sports.

Did you pack any cool
obstacle-making stuff?

A lot. I call this bag
"miscellaneous."

Yes. Picture this:

D.D.'s, and Phillip's because
you're gonna help me make it,

-extreme obstacle run! -CHILD:
Fantasy, fantasy, fantasy.

Shot in high-definition.

Let's make it.

-First, we got to
clear lady-bench. -On it!

-[birds cooing]
-Ma'am, please remain calm.

As today's park activity expert,
I'm relocating you.



I'm flying.

Hmm, I'm landing.

-Okay, I'll jump this bench.
-[Phillip grunts]

Then I'll sprint
across the park,

then I'll hurdle some dogs.

How high can we stack dogs?

Without a permit? Seven.

-[dog yelps]
-D.D.: Great.

Then I'm sliding
through squirrels,

climb that construction worker...

why are there so many
construction workers today?

After that I'll take
one bite of ice cream.

Hold still, 300 seconds.

[whimpers]

Then, Phillip,
I'm gonna slide under your legs

and you'll grab my hands,

and throw me through
a giant ring of fire

and then splash
into this fountain!

-Phillip? -Arm strain
is no laughing matter.

D.D.:
Phillip!

Did you find a huge ring
of fire? 'Cause it goes here.

Not yet, but I did bring
a fire extinguisher

in case a ring of fire
was on location.

Aw, there's never flaming stuff.

I'll say it again, this park
just isn't dangerous enough.

[rumbling]

-Whoa!
-D.D.!

Are you okay?

Do you remember
the fourth grade?

Yeah.

Why all the construction
machines?

[gasps]
Gasp!

Are they helping us
build our obstacle run?

Nope, they're going to tear down
that monstrosity tomorrow.

♪

D.D.:
The Tube of Pain.

What?!
They can't demolish that.

Aw, I promised my father

that one day I'd stunt-ride it.

I should ask him.

Father, can I conquer

the most dangerous, abandoned
water slide in the world?

Today's my last chance.

[muffled yelling]

Yay!

Let's go now!

As alternative choices
expert in residence,

I recommend we turn away
from the slide

and make this whole day
a secret.

Phillip, it's my dream.

The last child
that went in there

never came out.

I'd like to say a few words.
[clears throat] Duncan, I'm...

Phillip, that's why I need you.

Like an ambassador
of keeping D.D. safe

during all the exciting
stuff she tries.

Like how you made that
arm-holding thing for that guy.

245 Mississippi,
two hundred four...

Yes! I could build you a safety
suit for safe swimming.

A protective masterpiece that...

♪

-Yeah, make it happen.
-[muffled yelling]

I share your muffled
concern, Mr. Danger,

but unlike in your solo career,

we'll be using the buddy system,

one of the oldest
systems of safety there is.

BOTH: You look out for me
and I'll look out for you.

[muffled yelling]

Okay, thanks, Pops.

Doing this for you. Mwah!

D.D.!

Okay, I guess I'll build
the suit on the way up.

In this pocket, an anchor.

-These stairs are not regulation
distance. -[bird screeches]

A pouch that contains one exact
serving size of vanilla.

Everything else in pocket B.5.

D.D., do you understand
everything so far?

I've got this.

-Big horn check!
-[air horn blares]

[bats chittering]

Were those bats?

Were those bats during the day?

Cool. Want to come with me?

Well, to observe is the safest
form of participation.

With this monitor
I can see your every move

and you can talk to me.

Okay.
Keep your eye on that screen.

This is gonna be great.

-Whoo-hoo! -The signal
is calibrated and...

D.D.? You forgot the camera!

Flip onto your belly
and swim back...

[yells]

-Whoa!
-Phillip!

I knew you'd want to come.

You forgot the camera.

We should use the buddy system.

-I'll look out for you...
-[bird cooing]

-[D.D. spitting]
-...starting right now.

Grab my hands.

What?!
[spits]

I'll slow us down to
make it easier to hear,

Needs stronger rope.

Needs waterproof pencil.

D.D., look out!

The pipe ahead is broken.

What?!

[distorted]:
Whoa!

Save D.D.

Yee-hee!

[yells, grunts]
Oh, no.

-[birds cooing]
-Oh, precious light.

[muffled]:
Never mind.

[groans]

Aah! Yee! Aah!

Um...

Whoo-hoo! Phillip,
if you jump this pipe,

we can keep looping around.

I hacked the water slide!

360 Toe Kiss.
[kisses]

Sugar Finger.

Walking the Plank.

Phillip. Phillip?

Oh, no.

D.D.!

[hissing]

Uh, if you bite
each other instead,

I'll show you basic
bite first aid.

-Ah!
-[rats screech]

[rats squeal down tube]

Welcome, new friend!

[slaps rhythmically]

The missing boy?

-Duncan?
-[slaps twice]

You've been missing
for 25 years.

Nah.

My calendar says
I've been down here a week.

Let me show you my stuff.

Bye, David. Hyah.

[electricity powers on,
music plays]

Duncan, I should rescue you.
I will bring you home.

DUNCAN:
♪ This is my home

-♪ Now our home -SINGERS:
♪ La-la-la, la-la-la-la-la♪

-♪ There's no school
-♪ There's no school♪

-♪ Lots of food
-♪ Lots of food to eat♪

♪ This is your bed now.

Hyah. Later, David.

That's very considerate, Duncan,
but I can't stay here.

Wait! Wecan't stay here!

This slide is
getting demolished tomorrow.

Yeah, but I like it here.

Plus, we can't get out.

I tried everywhere all week.

We're trapped?! Oh, no.

I hope D.D. isn't trapped, too.

What's a D.D.? Oh.

-[monitor clatters]
-Oh, we came in together.

She's my buddy
in the buddy system,

and my best friend.

I'm your new buddy system.

Phillip, where are you?

Did you leave?

I thought we had
to stick together

for our buddy system.

Um... Retirement River?

No!

We have to find a way out.

What about this tube?

Whoa, hold it,
that's the oops chute.

I've been throwing thousands
of bugs and rats

and snakes and Davids
down there.

There's no exit for them.
They're really backed up.

-Listen.
-[rat squeals]

[snarling and hissing]

Uh, that does indeed
sound like not an option.

Any escape hatches or
clearly-marked emergency exits?

Like that?

Sure, but it says
"Employees only,"

and I don't work here.

I'm a kid.

You make an excellent point,
Duncan.

But being inside a demolition
zone isn't safe either.

So an exception?

No! We do not work here.

I do respect your adherence
to the rules.

So as acting park
safety expert,

I hereby deputize you
as summer safety helper

of this water slide.

You start now.

Hey, my first job!
Come in, boss.

-MAN [on recording]: Escape an
exciting personality-[groans]

-on Retirement River...
-Phillip, I know I went

up the stairs too quick
and down the slide too fast.

I hope you didn't get sick
of always running after me.

I hope you didn't
leave me behind.

I found a map!

And I safely rescued candy
from this machine.

I should have gotten
a job here sooner.

-[grumbles]
-This way!

[hatch opens]

[grunts]

[grunts]
All right.

The tube's crushed,
but if I remove these bolts,

-we should be able to leave.
-[tool creaking]

Hey, buddy boss.

I think I found the other end

of my oops chute.

Listen.

-[snarling and hissing]
-They're trying to get out.

I'm going to rescue them.

No, Duncan, stop your hands!

[growling and hissing]

[tool creaking]

[roar]

Whoa, what?!

Phillip! You didn't go home.

I'm coming!

Hey, boss, you should know
you're the best buddy system

I've ever had.

The system means we're supposed
to be helping each other.

Yeah, I'm on my break.
Need my 15.

[screw clatters, confused sound]

Hey, you!

Eat vanilla!

[growls]

D.D.? You're safe!

Am I?

An excellent point.

That's D.D.?

Phillip, did you get my message?

About how I'm sorry
for jumping into things?

Jumping into here
seems to be working.

Hit it with propellants.

[air horn blares,
monster screeches]

She's too loud.

Scram, D.D.,
me and, uh, um, er...

-Phillip.
-Me and Phillip have got this.

Got what?
You're not even helping.

I am. I'm doing my job
as a human candy shield.

And you can't have any.

We need to hold it back
a bit longer.

D.D.:
Working on it.

[panting]

-Wa-hoo!
-[growls]

Ah! Hey, you,

put the rest of
that candy in the water.

You're not the boss of me.

Please,
listen to her instructions.

Oh, you are the boss of me.

Bye, candy.

Good, sing, dance, whatever,

get that thing's attention.

Candy, candy, candy.

Uh, you wouldn't eat me
would you, David?

He would. You're the bait.

Whoo-hoo!

-[D.D. grunts]
-Nice work, D.D.

DUNCAN:
Yeah, tickly.

Ha-ha!

I think we have to jump.

This whole thing's
gonna collapse.

DUNCAN:
Okay, I love jumping.

D.D. [gasps]:
Gasp.

Ring of fire.

VOICES:
Fantasy, fantasy.

-Wait!
-♪

Safety first.

[growls]

-[Duncan yelling]
-D.D.: Whoo-hoo!

[D.D. giggles]

Yeah!

Whoo! Whoo!

[Duncan continues yelling]

[rats squeaking]

Dad, did you see that?

I rode it,
just like I promised!

[muffled yelling]

Looks like the slide closed.

Guess you didn't know how
to run a small business.

We can still be best
buddy systems, though, ex-boss.

I can be your friend, Duncan.

But my best buddy for the system
is right over there.

-Aw.
-Well, I should get back home.

My parents just got a new puppy
and I want to play with it

while he's still a baby.
[panting]

That was 25 years ago.

I heard what you said.

We do make a great team!

I'm gonna slow down, a little,
and I'll pay more attention.

Yeah.

I realize forgetting the camera

meant you didn't get to
observe from your safe spot.

I observed in real life.

I wouldn't mind watching the
extreme action again, though.

Movie night!

I'll make popcorn!

-♪
-D.D. [on video]: Sugar Finger.

-[bird coos]
-The Wiggle Wag.

The Pizza Party.

-The Ooh-Ooh-Ooh-Ooh!
-[D.D. and Phillip laugh]

Nothing like fried fried rice.

-A-yum. -Yes. It's a fact
that fried rice tastes the best

when multiplied by fried.

[giggles]

When you say shrimp, I say pea.

-Shrimp!
-Pea!

-Carrot!
-Corn!

-Eh. Broccoli.
-Ugh!

Ugh. Yeah, peck it, pigeons!

Destroy the fool's tree!

Little tiny nasty boys.

Phillip!

Huh! Green alert!

It fell into your mouth.
This is not a test.

This is broccoli!

Hmm? Not so fast, D.D.

I suspect.

Yes, I know.

-I like it.
-Gasp.

Everyone knows the only people
who like broccoli are grown-ups.

Ha! Lydia, cancel lunch.

I found lunch.
[munches]

Are you sure you liked it?

Double lie detector positive
you liked it?

It was crunchy.

It was floret-y.

It was delicious.

Oh, this is bad.

Quick, Phillip, how old are you?

Well, let's see.

Wait a minute,
you don't just know?

Height: two eggs tall,
first haircut: none.

Birthplace: Mom.
[gasps]

It appears
my records are incomplete.

I might be a grown-up.

The broc never lies.

Well. Comparing insurance rates
sounds fun. Wait!

This is all happening too fast.

Phillip,
I know you're not ready,

but you got to figure this
grown-up thing out by...

uh, uh, right now,
or you'll end up

stuck in limbo.

The popular cruise ship
stick dance.

How low can you go?

Go low.
The stick will get us.

No, Phillip.
The limbo I'm talking about

is a spooky, shadowy place

in between being a kid
and being a grown-up.

You've never heard

The Legend of Limbo?

CHILD:
Fantasy, fantasy, fantasy.

Failing at being a grown-up

makes Limboids appear
out of nowhere,

stumbling towards you with their
slithery grabby Limboid arms.

[D.D. grunting]

Ha, ha, I know it's you, D.D.,
I think,

but this is freaking me out.

First, the Limboids grab you.

Then they mark you
with the letter "L."

From then on,
you're sentenced to an eternity

of wandering
the earth hopelessly

not as a kid, not as a grown-up,

but as a Limboid.

If I become a Limboid,
does that mean

I won't be able to enjoy snacks?

Does that mean that I won't be
able to giggle in the sunshine?

Not just that, you won't be able
to do grown-up stuff either,

like file taxes, or constantly
check the weather report,

or put on topical creams...

Um, no taxes?

I've been looking forward
to filing taxes my whole life.

D.D., look at my hand.

Phillip, we only have
one choice:

for you to be a grown-up,
and I'm gonna help.

But first, we need advice
from the best grown-up there is.

Um, that gentleman?

Lydia, broccoli!
[munching]

Um, no.

Drink up, because Phillip and I
need some serious advice.

It's a matter of life or limbo.

Not the game
with that obstacle stick.

Father, do you remember
when you became a grown-up?

[muffled yelling]

Aw, Dad, that's so nice.

He became a grown-up
when he had me.

Phillip, you need some
responsibility, like big time.

And Dad thinks being a grown-up

means taking care
of someone else.

Well, I mean, he tries.

-Here. Take care of this.
-[gasps]

I have become a parent.

You, adorable little one,

your name is Gregg,
with three Gs.

I can't wait to teach you
about earthquake preparedness.

See, you're a natural.
Now that you've got a kid,

-you got to get your own house
and a job. -[gasps]

Oh. A house
with secret passages...

[whispering]:
...for secrets.

No. Focus on grown-up stuff,

like making a grocery list
or sorting your laundry.

Or else: Limboid.

Phillip, you can do it.
Remember, you're a grown-up now.

You need to be on your own.

-Mom, I need to talk to you
about something. -[clucks]

Mom, please.

It's just, there comes a time
in every egg's life

when he has to move
out of his mom,

no matter how cozy,
warm and roomy she is.

It's just the grown-up thing
to do.

Look it.
I have a Gregg of my own now,

-and he has to be everything
to me. -[clucks]

We'll visit
when our schedule allows.

RHONDA: Now this
is a perfect starter home.

Uh, can't you feel it?

Lots of light, hardwood floors

and hardly any spiders.
[chuckles]

Spiders?

-Rhonda, may I call you Rhonda?
-Well, you already have.

When it comes to spiders,
I prefer none.

And on top
of my no-spider policy,

I am seeking a place
that feels more like me.

Feeling like you
is what I do, Phillip.

That's why I'm the number two
real estate agent of Chicken...

-Who's number one?
-[laughs] Doesn't matter.

[sighs]

Ah, it speaks for itself,
or does it not?

It speaks, we listen.
Mm, shh, shh.

Oh, yeah.
No, what it's saying is

"Don't worry about the snakes."

-Rhonda.
-Shh, shh. It's speaking.

[whispering]:
Okay, now it's not speaking.

Rhonda, I don't believe
we're on the same page

about what
I'm looking for, me and you.

Don't lock me out, Phillip,
invite me into your world.

Close your eyes.
What do you see?

I see an oasis of safety.

A serene getaway
with all the latest precautions.

Anger-proof glass,
a cold-heat stove

and a fire escape
to escape from fire.

You heard him, Number Two.

Go find my friend
his dream house.

Uh, let me feel.

[mumbles, gasps]

Ah, you, me: same wavelength.

-[Phillip panting]
-Ah, is this is? Is this it?

It is. Or it isn't.
Or isn't it this?

I've only seen that excited face
once before.

The day liquid bandage came out.

-So he likes it.
-Liquid bandage.

-Ooh!
-[floor squeaks]

D.D., look, look.

-Did you see that?
-Anti-slip floors!

That's one of your ten
favorite kinds of floors.

-No-corner tables.
-We call those round tables.

Gregg, look, you can be
as wild as you want.

I knew this would be
the perfect match!

The previous owners invented
pool helmets.

PHILLIP:
Pool helmets?

Those are on my list
of top five favorite helmets.

Oh, yeah. Right between bike
and baby head-shaping helmets.

Did you happen to see
the hypoallergenic grass?

-Huh?
-I'll take this house.

-How much?
-Okay, oh...

[whispering indistinctly]

No way a house
could cost that much.

How gullible
do you think we are?

Well, you are a kid
and an egg. [crunches]

D.D., we must buy this house.
I need a job.

Don't tell other people
about this house!

Oh, no. It's the Limboids!

I'm failing at grown-upping.

They're here.

Over there.

Come on.

Don't worry, Phillip.
Nobody who works here

knows what they're doing.

-You're great at helping people.
-I must be successful

and dominate
the food service industry.

You watch Gregg.

D.D., stay away from the salad
bar. There's no sneeze guard.

Good afternoon, patrons.
Welcome.

May I start with suggestively
selling an appetizer?

Aw, check out your dad working.

Presenting
the 12 Plate Carry Harness.

Do not use with soup.

Soup requires a delicate touch.

H-Hey.

Ah, ah...

Sneezer!

Ah, ah...

...choo.

Uh, Gregg, look away.

Um. You're, you're...

f-fired.

Well, okay. If that's how you'd
like to treat a salad bar hero,

I must go.

[sighs]
I'll never afford my dream home.

-[moaning]
-It's the Limboids, run!

This is the opposite of fair.

I failed at securing a home and
job, but I still have Gregg!

I care. I am a competent parent.

Don't worry, Phillip, I'm not
gonna let them catch you.

I'll run with you forever
if I have to.

China, the North Pole,
the North Pole of China.

No, D.D.! I won't let you
give up your childhood.

It's me they want.

I surrender! I'm not ready
to be a whole grown-up.

Take me to Limbo!

I can't let you go alone!

See you on the other side.

Wait!

[crunches]

Take me, too, you Limboids!

[chuckles]
Limboids, you say?

You got wacky mouth.

But your jackets.
The letter "L."

Fantastic, isn't it?

We're the Love to Hug Club.

-I'm a founding hugger.
-[D.D. sighs]

Then why were you chasing
my friend?

It's group hug day.

You looked stressed, we thought
you could really use one.

Come on.

I did not see that coming.

So you're not going to take me
to a shadowy void

where I will wander forever
between two worlds?

That's the Chess Club.

Just to be crystal clear,

you do not care
if I'm a grown-up or a kid?

Or whether or not
we like broccoli?

We're not putting
a label on this?

Let me answer that
with a hug pile!

-Oh. Ah...
-Oh, hug.

I'm thinking of trying
fried fried fried rice.

Something new.

You tried something new.

You were willing to
broccoli-sacrifice being a kid.

-For me. Thank you.
-Aw. So tell me.

If you're not a grown-up, are
you gonna go with being a kid?

You know, D.D., I'm not sure,
and I'm choosing not to care.

Don't you want to know
what you are?

I'm a curious expert
with changing taste.

Great, you do you.

Here's the best thing
that came out of this.

D.D.:
Ugh, maybe it's time you gave

that egg a lesson
in personal hygiene.

Stink burger.

Don't listen to Aunt D.D.

She's just jealous.

Not jealous, just nauseous.

Ugh.

[munching]

MAN:
♪ Retirement River

♪ River

♪ R-R-Retirement River,
escape, flow away ♪

♪ Let the flow
and inevitable waves ♪

♪ Take you ever further

♪ Toward your fate

♪ On-on-on Retirement River

D.D.: Retirement River?! No!

♪ Retirement River

♪ Let all excitement
flow away. ♪

MAN:
Well, look at you.