Dallas (1978–1991): Season 12, Episode 16 - Wedding Bell Blues - full transcript
Oh, my.
I've died and gone to heaven.
[HAMMER BANGING]
Oh, J.R.
J. R: Hey, April,
you better fasten your safety belt.
Today is gonna be full of surprises.
Don't toy with me, J.R.
You know how I hate suspense.
If we're gonna be
in business together...
...you're gonna have to learn
a little patience.
Heh. I'm gonna hang up
on the count of three.
My, my. Woke up on the wrong side
of the bed this morning, did you?
[CHUCKLES]
One.
Two.
- We'll both be receiving a present today.
- Oh, yeah? What's that?
Copies of some
fully executed documents.
The sale of Ewing Oil's
Ellis County land?
[LAUGHS]
To our own
happy little dummy corporation.
I didn't realize
we'd get those papers so quickly.
Maybe we should've thought about
this deal more before we closed it.
Oh, why is that?
I don't know.
April, once you climb in bed
with J.R. Ewing...
...you better not have cold feet.
This is the last time
I'm gonna let you pick a restaurant.
I wanna just have
a real power breakfast, Hollywood style.
And for that,
you need the right ambiance.
[SIGHS]
You ordered for me?
I hope it's okay.
I love eggs Benedict.
You must've read my mind.
No.
I read your diaries.
February the 13th, 1982.
After a little spat with J.R.,
you dumped eggs Benedict into his lap.
Quote, "Best breakfast I ever had,"
unquote.
[LAUGHS]
You are getting familiar
with the material.
There are a few preliminary scenes
I wanted to talk to you about.
- Not yet.
- No?
Not until we go on a little field trip
this afternoon.
I'd like you to escort me
to J.R.'s wedding.
- You're invited?
- Oh, J.R. Crossed me off the list.
But I convinced his cute little bride
to put me back on it.
Wasn't that difficult?
I have my methods.
Now I'm learning that quickly.
I think it's important
that you visit Southfork...
...to view the animal
in his native habitat.
Won't you, being seen on my arm,
start Texas tongues wagging?
You've gone to a great deal of trouble
to keep your studio...
...and our association quite private.
Don...
...this wedding
is a window of opportunity for you.
I want you to climb through it...
...and see the real J.R. Ewing
in action.
And you wouldn't get
the slightest bit of pleasure...
...out of being seen at your ex-husband's
wedding with a man by your side?
No.
You are getting to know me,
aren't you?
Besides, nobody ever died
from a little gossip.
Mm-mm, no.
ELLIE:
I don't like the look of this sky.
- It's got a little bit of green to it.
- It's tornado weather.
If things get much worse,
we'll have to bring everything indoors.
Yeah, if our guests don't
get blown away first.
Well, well, another Southfork wedding.
How many is this, 12, 13?
Oh, come on, it can't be that many.
Can it?
If you're inclined
to marry Tracey Lawton...
...why don't you propose today?
Then we can have a double wedding
and save a lot of money.
Just hold on, Clayton.
I'm not that inclined.
Besides, there's not an altar big enough
in Texas to hold J.R. And me.
Anyhow, it's bad luck
to get married at Southfork.
Lucy.
Well, name one marriage that started
here and ended up happily ever after.
Well, I think Clayton would say
we're very happy.
- I surely would.
- All right, name two.
Lucy, I'm not sure this
is the best conversation for right now.
I don't know about y'all,
but if I ever get married again...
...l'll be saying my vows at the nearest
Moose Lodge. Much safer.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Well, I'll tell you...
...unless J.R.'s cut a deal
with Mother Nature...
...we're gonna be in for
a rough ride today.
I'll check on things outdoors.
[GRUNTING]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Don't worry, you look great.
- Now, how about getting dressed?
- I'm working on it.
Anyway, weddings are dull.
In fact, this whole state of Texas
is just slightly south of boring.
I thought you were having fun
with April Stevens.
How many dates have you had now?
At least three.
Ha, ha, she's a hot lady.
But so far,
it's been life in the slow lane.
- Meaning she hasn't slept with you.
- Ugh, yet.
[TOMMY CHUCKLES]
I was hoping you'd be ready.
Yeah. I've got this routine I do.
Look, if you don't wanna go...
In prison, all I could do with my time
was work out.
Kind of becomes habit.
Keeps you sane, you know?
I'm making a lot of friends around here.
I want them to get to know you.
Hey, I'm gonna be on my best
chip-off-the-old-block behavior.
You watch.
Wish I could get him
to take a job at Westar.
He needs something to do
with all this energy of his.
He's just not the office type.
- He could learn.
- I don't know.
Tracey, that boy has it in him
to be someone.
He could turn his life around.
All he needs is, uh, a little help.
You can't make him love you, Dad.
No matter how bad you want it.
I don't know how you could lose
something this big.
I hate to say it,
but you don't exactly have small feet.
Oh, gee. Bless me.
You deserve that
after making remarks about my feet.
For the want of a shoe,
a wedding is lost.
It's under something.
[CHUCKLING] Well, There's a lot
of somethings in this room.
APRIL: You in a bad mood?
- Huh?
- No, I'm in a great mood.
- Liar.
It's just that J.R.'s been acting smug
around the office lately...
...and that bothers me.
[CLIFF GRUNTS]
Could we just not talk about business
for one day?
It's just that I got a great thing going
with Bobby and Ewing Oil.
It's like the first time
I've really had a home.
I just know that every move J.R. Makes
is a plan to get me out of the house.
Aah...
- I got it.
- My hero.
Thank you.
- Shall we?
- Off to the zoo.
Well, Bob, a little wedding-day advice?
I'm overwhelmed.
It's not advice really, it's just some
thoughts on this auspicious occasion...
...which I'm sure
you can't wait to hear.
Ha-ha-ha, go ahead.
I'm glad that you're keeping your word
to Cally. I think it's the right thing to do.
Well, thank you.
I hope you treat her better
than you did Sue Ellen.
Anything else?
I'm glad that you're getting a chance
at a marriage that's worthy of the name.
Well, thank you, Bob.
But, uh, a good-luck handshake
would've been quite sufficient.
- I'll see you downstairs.
- All right.
- Hey, buddy. You look good.
- Thanks.
J. R:
Hi, son.
Dad, I'm nervous.
What if I lose the ring?
- Where are you keeping it?
- Right here.
Oh, well,
that ought to be a safe place.
Now, don't worry,
you're gonna do just fine.
I'm also kind of worried about,
you know, her.
What, Cally?
Even though she says she doesn't wanna
take Mom's place, what if she tries?
Oh, ha, ha, son,
you don't have to worry about that.
Now, you're gonna learn to like her.
I'm working on it.
And who knows?
She just might provide you
with a little brother.
Oh, golly, wouldn't that be special?
Another son of mine
right here at Southfork.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah.
BOBBY: Look who's here.
WOMAN 1: Hello.
BOBBY:
Hi.
WOMAN 2: Pass.
- Let's hope it doesn't pour.
CLAYTON: I'm glad you could come.
BOBBY: I'm glad they brought umbrellas.
[WOMEN LAUGH]
I love weddings, rain or shine.
Just getting a little cold.
There's coffee somewhere.
We made it this morning. It's over there.
Oh, I just love it
when someone makes me coffee.
- Well, Monday morning, it's your turn.
WOMAN 3: See you.
Excuse me.
Some big names here.
I guess it's never out of fashion
to pay homage to the Ewing clan.
It must be an experience
to marry into this family.
It's hard to imagine.
How's everybody doing?
McKAY: Just fine.
- I got our seats.
- We're front-row center. How's that?
- Just fine.
- On one condition.
- Oh, no. Another condition?
I don't wanna be under any obligation
to catch the wedding bouquet.
Heh, all right. You got it.
You know, I love Texas.
It's never boring.
- Are you planning on staying long?
- As long as I stay turned on.
And believe me,
there's a lot of turn-ons around here.
[LAUGHS]
Well, that sounds like a line
if ever I've heard one.
It's only a line if it doesn't work.
Anyway, uh, I'll be seeing you around.
- I didn't think you'd be here.
- Ha, ha, wouldn't miss it.
Oh, you mean, uh,
being with April here, yeah.
It's the biggest show in town.
There's a band setting up over here.
You wanna check them out?
- You mind?
- No, I don't mind.
But she's my date, you know.
TOMMY: Ha, ha, right.
- Yeah.
Don't forget that, you know.
She's my date.
- Mr. Ewing?
- No, no, no, that's my brother.
- He's right there.
- Oh, okay.
J. R: Thank you.
MAN: Mr. Ewing, this is for you.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
LUC Y:
Hi.
Oh, hi.
- Dropped.
- You having fun yet?
- Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Well, good.
- Makes one of us, ha, ha.
- Yeah. Good. Uh-huh.
[WOMEN CHATTERING]
CALLY:
Come in.
LUC Y:
Cally.
You look beautiful.
[CALLY SIGHS]
- Oh, let me see.
- I feel like some fairy-book princess.
Miss Ellie's making it fit real good.
- It's not too tight?
- Oh, no.
It's the most perfect thing
I've ever worn.
- Think J.R.'s gonna like it?
ELLIE: I'm sure he will.
Golly, I'm so nervous.
- Everything's gonna be fine.
CALLY: Not about the wedding.
I'm just nervous about J.R.
Really taking to me...
...now that all his friends are gonna
see me as his lawful wedded wife.
Well, I'll be around
to help you out with J.R.
There are quite a few secrets
to handling a Ewing man.
The most important being: Speak softly,
but carry a big cattle prod, heh.
Well, I know one thing, anyways.
It's gonna be real nice
having you two for family.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Look who's here.
Well, welcome, Sue Ellen.
Hello, Clayton.
Clayton Farlow, Don Lockwood.
- Pleased to meet you.
DON: Pleasure's mine.
Well, I guess the weatherman was right.
First storm just blew in.
[CHUCKLES]
Don't worry, J.R.,
I won't rain on your parade.
Don Lockwood,
the one and only J.R. Ewing.
Congratulations on your wedding.
I hope you'll be very happy.
Well, thank you.
Can't help but be a vast improvement
over my last wife.
Would you all excuse me
for a moment?
Sue Ellen,
what the hell are you doing here?
I personally tore up your invitation.
I convinced Cally that John Ross
needed my moral support.
You just stay away from Cally.
Don't get so suspicious.
Actually, I'm thrilled
that you're getting married.
That kind of comment
makes me very nervous.
What's with the Lockwood fella?
He's a man with charm,
sensitivity and class.
In short, your exact opposite.
That does it, Sue Ellen. Why don't you
ask the parking attendants...
...to fetch your broom,
and you can just fly on home?
Ooh!
Not until I give this little gift
to your child bride.
Now, where is
that sweet young thing?
Now, you just stay away
from her, hear?
ELLIE:
You need something borrowed...
...and this is a necklace
that my mother wore at her wedding.
Oh, Miss Ellie.
And something blue.
Here's some sweet william and wisteria.
I guess I'm about the luckiest bride
in the whole world.
I couldn't beg for anything better.
Would anyone mind if I came in?
I don't wanna interrupt.
Oh, I'm so glad you could be here today,
Sue Ellen.
Well, yes, please. Come in, Sue Ellen.
Thank you.
Have you, uh, done something old,
something new yet?
Oh, we're right in the middle of it.
Because I wanna give Cally
something old.
You've already done that.
You've given her J.R.
- Lucy, that's not necessary.
- Sorry. I couldn't help myself.
[GIGGLES]
Anyway, um, I hope you like it.
You didn't have to do this, Sue Ellen.
Cally, you have earned it.
[CALLY GASPS]
It's beautiful.
That was the first gift
J.R. Ever gave me.
Oh, well, I couldn't take this from you.
No, I want you to have it.
Maybe it'll bring you better luck
with him than I had.
You see, Cally, J.R. Has a good side.
Trouble is, it's buried so deep
that you may have to drill for it.
But if you find it, tap into it.
Then your life won't be the living hell
that mine turned out to be.
CALLY:
Thanks.
Uh... Everyone's ready downstairs.
Cally?
Are you ready?
Yes, ma'am.
[SIGHS]
Here comes the bride.
Hey.
You're missing all the fun.
Wedding's about to start.
I'm glad you're here.
This is an important room
for you to see.
The famous J.R. Ewing bedroom.
Next to the Alamo, it's one
of the great battlegrounds of Texas.
I wanna re-create this room
for the movie.
In every detail.
Every bloodstained little nook
and cranny.
A few bad memories coming back?
Even some you haven't read
in my diaries.
Oh, I've got enough material already
for a sequel.
I remember another wedding day.
It was, uh, seven or eight years ago.
Lucy and Mitch were getting married...
...and J.R. Decided to celebrate
their holy vows...
...in his own distinctive way...
...right here in this room.
Well, you don't lie, that's for sure.
About what?
About what you do best.
- J. R?
- Hm?
You probably think I'm easy now.
I'm not.
I just never met anybody
like you before.
No, I'm not any better
than anybody else.
- I know that.
- Yeah?
I just meant you're different.
Oh, how different?
First time I saw you, I could tell
you always get what you want.
Well, I try.
So, what happens now?
Now I think
we ought to get downstairs...
...before people start wondering
where we are.
J. R:
Oh, hello, darling.
- Getting in out of the sun, darling?
- Oh, just answering nature's call.
And from the looks of your dress,
it's turning into quite a party.
Uh, no, J.R. It's just barely begun.
[PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
IN DISTANCE]
So...
...the real J.R. Has finally come home.
[SIGHS]
All those years of pain
and unhappiness.
No, no, no.
Come on.
Come on, you've gotta get past it.
Easy for you to say.
I did it when my wife died.
Motorcycle crash. She was 27.
And you never drank?
And you never went crazy?
And you never got so lonely that you
thought you were gonna turn into stone?
I travel. Keep moving.
Work on my problems in my writing.
That's what I plan to do
with our movie.
Humiliating J.R.
Isn't going to stop your pain, Sue Ellen.
[SIGHS]
Maybe not.
But when I think back...
...to all the hopes and the dreams
that I brought into my first marriage...
...and how that bastard
crushed them...
Shh.
[SIGHS]
PRIEST:
I require and charge you both...
...that if either of you
know any impediment...
...why you may not be joined
in marriage, speak up now.
[WIND WHISTLING]
Then I ask you, Calpurnia Harper...
...do you take this man,
John Ross Ewing Jr...
...as your lawful wedded husband?
CALLY:
I do.
PRIEST:
Will you now produce the ring?
Son.
Come on.
Thank you.
Please place it on her finger
and repeat after me.
It's all right, Reverend.
I know the drill.
With this ring, Cally Harper,
I thee wed.
PRIEST: Therefore, by the powers vested
in me, I am both pleased and delighted...
...to introduce you to this congregation
as Mr. And Mrs. J.R. Ewing.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Feel free to kiss the bride.
[HORSE NEIGHS]
[MID-TEMPO JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, they seem to be
enjoying themselves.
Being married to J.R.
Is like a Hitchcock movie.
You start out laughing, and then
you find yourself screaming in terror.
[MUSIC STOPS]
[J.R. LAUGHS]
Okay, that's it.
We gotta catch a plane.
Y'all dance, have a good time, hear?
J. R: All right, darling, let's go.
WOMAN: Have fun.
ALL:
Bye.
[J.R. & CALLY LAUGHING]
Oh, I'll bet
you're a happy little woman now.
Ah, I reckon I've had about the best day
a body could have.
Ha, ha, the only thing better than
a wedding day is a wedding night.
And you're gonna have a night
you'll never forget, Mr. J.R. Ewing.
I like the way you talk, honey.
[CALLY MO ANING]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Ha, ha. We ought to hurry.
The storm's coming on.
Let me help you out
of that tight little wedding dress.
Oh! J.R., you best save your gumption
for tonight.
[J.R. & CALLY LAUGHING]
I don't believe this.
That lousy S-O-B.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
CLAYTON: This weather's making them
leave in droves.
There's gonna be a terrible waste
of food.
- Yeah, I know.
- Paul? Paul?
- Bobby. Bobby. Look, read this.
- This is addressed to J.R.
Put me in jail for taking it.
I don't care. But read it.
Where is he?
BOBBY:
J.R.
I don't have any time
for congratulations.
- I'm gonna catch a plane right now.
- Not so fast. What's this?
- How did you get that?
- I think we ought to take this inside.
You've been opening my mail, Barnes.
Is that what you want for a partner?
A low-down little sneak?
Who's calling who a sneak?
- Let's take it inside.
- I'm not going anywhere.
You want an audience? You got a lot
of nerve selling the Ellis County land...
...without consulting us.
- It's my property.
- I can do anything I want to it.
- That's not the way it works.
Now, wait just a minute.
This is my wedding day.
Nobody's getting in no fistfight
until I throw my wedding bouquet.
- All right, darling.
- Okay, ladies, ready?
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[WOMEN SHRIEKING]
I wanna know who this Ultima Enterprises
is that you're doing business with.
- It's a dummy corporation, I'll bet.
- I don't know who owns that outfit.
We've sold it.
And the money is in the corporate
account. What could be better?
You probably sold it
for a fraction of it's worth.
Ugh, you're talking about
10 years down the line.
I'm talking about big bucks
in our pocket right now.
I don't buy it. I'm gonna find out
who it is you're doing business with.
J. R:
You keep me out of the oil business.
You're starting to interfere
with my side deals.
I'm not talking about one deal.
- I'm talking about trust.
CLIFF: We're talking about a partnership.
Trust? Partnership?
And then you go and open my mail?
That's a lot of hogwash
for me to swallow, I'll tell you that.
What is going on here?
This is a wedding day.
I'm ashamed of all of you.
We've got a bad enough storm outside.
We sure don't need another one in here.
Now, let's all have some coffee
and sit down...
...and wait for the storm to pass.
CHRISTOPHER: Guess what.
JOHN ROSS: There's a tornado watch...
...for Braddock County.
- We heard it on TV.
- Say anything about the roads?
- They're closed.
They're not letting people
drive anywhere.
I guess the ones who left early
were the smart ones.
The safest thing to do...
...is have everybody spend the night
right here at Southfork.
That's very kind of you, Miss Ellie,
but I think maybe we'll chance it.
Well, a tornado watch
can be a serious thing.
Hate to see anything happen.
Personally, I'd like to stay.
ELLIE: It's only one night.
We have plenty of bedrooms.
Hey, you know,
I've never stayed here at Southfork.
I think it might be fun, ha, ha.
Well, good. Then it's settled.
I'll start making
the sleeping arrangements.
I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend
my wedding night...
...with half the population of Dallas
in the next room.
Well, I'm sorry, J.R.,
but you have no choice.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, better here
than no honeymoon at all, honey.
I think the rain's romantic.
- It's really put me in the loving mood.
- Ha, ha, in you go, Mrs. Ewing.
I want you to pick me up and carry me
through the door like the old custom.
Well, now, you've been eating
a lot of wedding cake today.
You wouldn't want me to hurt my back,
would you?
And you wouldn't wanna
hurt my feelings...
...especially right at this moment.
J. R: Ha, ha.
SUE ELLEN: J. R?
I'm glad to see there's a little romance
still left in you.
I can't believe Mama put you
in that room across the hall from us.
I asked for my old room.
Ugh, well, are you planning
to peek through our keyhole all night?
Heh, I'm not that interested.
This is for you, Cally.
Thanks, Sue Ellen.
That's really thoughtful of you.
Well, aren't you going to carry
your young bride across the threshold?
Here. You just stay away from me.
Come on.
[SUE ELLEN CLEARS THRO AT]
Watch his back.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[DON LAUGHS]
You're right.
This is a research opportunity.
I'm sorry Miss Ellie
ran out of bedrooms.
DON: I'm so used to sleeping
on couches, it's almost a habit.
- Don?
- Hmm?
You can sleep in here if you like.
There's plenty of room.
Good night, Sue Ellen.
[SIGHS]
[CHATTERING]
- Oh, Lord.
- What?
You've outstayed your welcome,
Barnes.
- I'm just gonna finish this dance.
- That's fine with me.
- As long as you do it alone.
- No, get your hands off me.
It's all right, J.R.
No, it's not. I want him out
of your life and off this ranch.
- Don't touch me.
- You may have botched killing yourself...
...but I'm sure as hell not going...
[WOMAN SHRIEKS]
[CROWD GASPING AND SHOUTING]
Cliff! You guys!
Enough!
Oh, stop it! Stop it!
Freddy, give me a hand.
Get him out of here.
ELLIE:
Maybe Lucy's right.
Maybe there is a jinx
on Southfork weddings.
Every marriage ought to start off
with a flash of lightning.
Might get J.R. To take this
a little more seriously.
I heard you listening to the radio.
Any news?
Well, the tornado watch
has been extended to 16 counties...
...and two states.
When I was a girl,
I was terrified of tornadoes.
I'll lay you a wager...
...that we don't get one of them
to set down within 50 miles of here.
Ha, ha, I hope you're right.
Yeah, it's not the tornadoes and
the wind and the rain that bothers me.
What concerns me
is the amount of bad blood...
...that we have got sleeping
under one roof.
We'll be lucky to get through the night
without casualties.
- Thanks for letting me share your room.
- Oh, no problem.
Well, I'm glad it fits.
Well, it's a little
on the, uh, short side.
Oh, well.
At least you've got nice legs.
Well, just don't expect me
to go prance down the hall.
Yeah, especially if Bobby's
anywhere around.
I don't think he could take
the excitement.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
I know it's none of my business...
...but, uh, just how serious
are you two getting, anyway, hmm?
- Does it bother you?
- No.
I just think you're a nice girl,
and, uh, I get a little concerned...
...every time somebody nice
gets mixed up with this family.
Hello, April.
Hello.
BOBBY:
How you doing?
I'm okay.
I hope John Ross didn't mind
giving up his room for me.
Oh, the kids are camping out on
my floor. It's the most fun they've had...
...in a long time.
- How about you? You having fun?
Well, it's not every day
I come down to the kitchen...
...and find a pretty girl
drinking coffee.
So tell me about you and Tracey.
Tell me about you and Tommy.
[CHUCKLES]
Ironic, isn't it? Brother and sister?
Well, our paths do seem to cross
every once in a while.
And here we are, midnight...
...me in your kitchen,
you in your bathrobe...
...while all hell's breaking loose outside,
discussing each other's love life.
April...
...do you think that...
...we can be friends?
We could try.
McKAY: Whoo, what happened
to all the leftovers?
BOBBY:
Hello, Carter.
- Hey, Bobby. April.
APRIL: Hi.
BOBBY: You hungry?
- I get this way every tornado season.
I happen to know where the remains
of the wedding cake are...
...and for a price, I'll guide you to it.
That's my cue to get some sleep.
Good night, gentlemen.
McKAY: Good night.
BOBBY: Good night, April.
So you want your slice
from the bride's side or the groom's?
Just drag the whole thing out here.
[BOBBY LAUGHS]
Grab some towels.
TOMMY:
Surprise.
[TOMMY LAUGHING]
[APRIL SIGHS]
Ooh!
You look a little chilly.
Pick any part of your body,
and I'll be glad to warm it up.
Tommy.
That's my name.
I like you.
I'm attracted to you.
And right now, I'm very tempted.
[CHUCKLES]
Don't say no.
But not here. I mean, not tonight.
You're a tease, April Stevens.
And what are you, Tommy McKay?
A man who's in need
of a long, cold shower.
Don't keep me waiting too long, sugar.
You wouldn't want me to explode,
would you?
Sweet dreams.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
[GASPING]
Well, I never thought
I'd be spending the night at Southfork.
Sure as hell didn't think
I'd be sleeping on the floor.
Reminds me of my favorite film:
It Happened One Night,
except you're no Claudette Colbert.
Well, it reminds me
of my favorite film.
But I think if this house
were taken away by a tornado to Oz...
...l'm not sure that the Munchkins
would be ready for J.R. Ewing.
Uh, why aren't you upstairs
with, uh, Sue Ellen?
Why aren't you upstairs
romancing the lovely April?
Oh, because we're just friends.
The way Sue Ellen looked at you
seemed more than just friends.
Well, I was her escort.
That's all.
Yeah? You're saying
that you two aren't an item?
That's right.
What are you, then?
I think I'll leave you guessing.
Well, you're not quite as straightforward
as a Texan...
...but I guess you're devious enough
to fit right in here in Dallas.
Well, I'll take that as a compliment.
You know, this just doesn't seem right,
me sleeping down here on the floor...
...while J.R.'s up there
riding this storm out with a smile.
Well, wasn't that worth waiting for?
[J.R. CHUCKLES]
You don't hear me complaining, honey.
Now I truly do feel
like the real Mrs. J.R. Ewing.
Can I ask you something?
Now that we're man and wife,
you can ask me anything you want.
Just how long
have you been pregnant?
With any luck at all...
...about...
...10 minutes.
What?
I checked with your doctor.
You mean Sue Ellen's doctor.
We told him we were funning
a little bit with you...
...and he was happy to oblige.
This was Sue Ellen's idea?
No, my idea, but she helped me.
See, I wanted you, J.R.,
more than anything else...
...and this is the only way
I could catch you.
J. R:
Well...
...I gotta tip my hat to you, Cally.
You just might have the stuff
to make a proper Ewing wife after all.
[J.R. LAUGHING]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
J.R.
J. R: I'm gonna go down and get
another bottle of champagne, honey.
[SUE ELLEN CHUCKLES]
You were a little quicker
than usual, J.R.
[LAUGHS]
NARRATOR:
Next on Dallas:
You got the makings
of a great wife...
...and you have a strong streak
of deviousness in you.
APRIL: He's cute. There's also something
a little scary about him.
- What do you mean?
APRIL: He was waiting for me...
...in bed, stark naked.
You don't screw around
with those Colombians.
You'll wake up in the morning and find
your ears sewn to the inside of your eyelids.
I mean, I really just want us
to be friends.
You won't get an argument from me.
TOMMY:
Well, if it's not the new bridegroom.
Wait, this isn't the new bride, is it?
Everyone needs love.
[ENGLISH SDH]
I've died and gone to heaven.
[HAMMER BANGING]
Oh, J.R.
J. R: Hey, April,
you better fasten your safety belt.
Today is gonna be full of surprises.
Don't toy with me, J.R.
You know how I hate suspense.
If we're gonna be
in business together...
...you're gonna have to learn
a little patience.
Heh. I'm gonna hang up
on the count of three.
My, my. Woke up on the wrong side
of the bed this morning, did you?
[CHUCKLES]
One.
Two.
- We'll both be receiving a present today.
- Oh, yeah? What's that?
Copies of some
fully executed documents.
The sale of Ewing Oil's
Ellis County land?
[LAUGHS]
To our own
happy little dummy corporation.
I didn't realize
we'd get those papers so quickly.
Maybe we should've thought about
this deal more before we closed it.
Oh, why is that?
I don't know.
April, once you climb in bed
with J.R. Ewing...
...you better not have cold feet.
This is the last time
I'm gonna let you pick a restaurant.
I wanna just have
a real power breakfast, Hollywood style.
And for that,
you need the right ambiance.
[SIGHS]
You ordered for me?
I hope it's okay.
I love eggs Benedict.
You must've read my mind.
No.
I read your diaries.
February the 13th, 1982.
After a little spat with J.R.,
you dumped eggs Benedict into his lap.
Quote, "Best breakfast I ever had,"
unquote.
[LAUGHS]
You are getting familiar
with the material.
There are a few preliminary scenes
I wanted to talk to you about.
- Not yet.
- No?
Not until we go on a little field trip
this afternoon.
I'd like you to escort me
to J.R.'s wedding.
- You're invited?
- Oh, J.R. Crossed me off the list.
But I convinced his cute little bride
to put me back on it.
Wasn't that difficult?
I have my methods.
Now I'm learning that quickly.
I think it's important
that you visit Southfork...
...to view the animal
in his native habitat.
Won't you, being seen on my arm,
start Texas tongues wagging?
You've gone to a great deal of trouble
to keep your studio...
...and our association quite private.
Don...
...this wedding
is a window of opportunity for you.
I want you to climb through it...
...and see the real J.R. Ewing
in action.
And you wouldn't get
the slightest bit of pleasure...
...out of being seen at your ex-husband's
wedding with a man by your side?
No.
You are getting to know me,
aren't you?
Besides, nobody ever died
from a little gossip.
Mm-mm, no.
ELLIE:
I don't like the look of this sky.
- It's got a little bit of green to it.
- It's tornado weather.
If things get much worse,
we'll have to bring everything indoors.
Yeah, if our guests don't
get blown away first.
Well, well, another Southfork wedding.
How many is this, 12, 13?
Oh, come on, it can't be that many.
Can it?
If you're inclined
to marry Tracey Lawton...
...why don't you propose today?
Then we can have a double wedding
and save a lot of money.
Just hold on, Clayton.
I'm not that inclined.
Besides, there's not an altar big enough
in Texas to hold J.R. And me.
Anyhow, it's bad luck
to get married at Southfork.
Lucy.
Well, name one marriage that started
here and ended up happily ever after.
Well, I think Clayton would say
we're very happy.
- I surely would.
- All right, name two.
Lucy, I'm not sure this
is the best conversation for right now.
I don't know about y'all,
but if I ever get married again...
...l'll be saying my vows at the nearest
Moose Lodge. Much safer.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Well, I'll tell you...
...unless J.R.'s cut a deal
with Mother Nature...
...we're gonna be in for
a rough ride today.
I'll check on things outdoors.
[GRUNTING]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Don't worry, you look great.
- Now, how about getting dressed?
- I'm working on it.
Anyway, weddings are dull.
In fact, this whole state of Texas
is just slightly south of boring.
I thought you were having fun
with April Stevens.
How many dates have you had now?
At least three.
Ha, ha, she's a hot lady.
But so far,
it's been life in the slow lane.
- Meaning she hasn't slept with you.
- Ugh, yet.
[TOMMY CHUCKLES]
I was hoping you'd be ready.
Yeah. I've got this routine I do.
Look, if you don't wanna go...
In prison, all I could do with my time
was work out.
Kind of becomes habit.
Keeps you sane, you know?
I'm making a lot of friends around here.
I want them to get to know you.
Hey, I'm gonna be on my best
chip-off-the-old-block behavior.
You watch.
Wish I could get him
to take a job at Westar.
He needs something to do
with all this energy of his.
He's just not the office type.
- He could learn.
- I don't know.
Tracey, that boy has it in him
to be someone.
He could turn his life around.
All he needs is, uh, a little help.
You can't make him love you, Dad.
No matter how bad you want it.
I don't know how you could lose
something this big.
I hate to say it,
but you don't exactly have small feet.
Oh, gee. Bless me.
You deserve that
after making remarks about my feet.
For the want of a shoe,
a wedding is lost.
It's under something.
[CHUCKLING] Well, There's a lot
of somethings in this room.
APRIL: You in a bad mood?
- Huh?
- No, I'm in a great mood.
- Liar.
It's just that J.R.'s been acting smug
around the office lately...
...and that bothers me.
[CLIFF GRUNTS]
Could we just not talk about business
for one day?
It's just that I got a great thing going
with Bobby and Ewing Oil.
It's like the first time
I've really had a home.
I just know that every move J.R. Makes
is a plan to get me out of the house.
Aah...
- I got it.
- My hero.
Thank you.
- Shall we?
- Off to the zoo.
Well, Bob, a little wedding-day advice?
I'm overwhelmed.
It's not advice really, it's just some
thoughts on this auspicious occasion...
...which I'm sure
you can't wait to hear.
Ha-ha-ha, go ahead.
I'm glad that you're keeping your word
to Cally. I think it's the right thing to do.
Well, thank you.
I hope you treat her better
than you did Sue Ellen.
Anything else?
I'm glad that you're getting a chance
at a marriage that's worthy of the name.
Well, thank you, Bob.
But, uh, a good-luck handshake
would've been quite sufficient.
- I'll see you downstairs.
- All right.
- Hey, buddy. You look good.
- Thanks.
J. R:
Hi, son.
Dad, I'm nervous.
What if I lose the ring?
- Where are you keeping it?
- Right here.
Oh, well,
that ought to be a safe place.
Now, don't worry,
you're gonna do just fine.
I'm also kind of worried about,
you know, her.
What, Cally?
Even though she says she doesn't wanna
take Mom's place, what if she tries?
Oh, ha, ha, son,
you don't have to worry about that.
Now, you're gonna learn to like her.
I'm working on it.
And who knows?
She just might provide you
with a little brother.
Oh, golly, wouldn't that be special?
Another son of mine
right here at Southfork.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah.
BOBBY: Look who's here.
WOMAN 1: Hello.
BOBBY:
Hi.
WOMAN 2: Pass.
- Let's hope it doesn't pour.
CLAYTON: I'm glad you could come.
BOBBY: I'm glad they brought umbrellas.
[WOMEN LAUGH]
I love weddings, rain or shine.
Just getting a little cold.
There's coffee somewhere.
We made it this morning. It's over there.
Oh, I just love it
when someone makes me coffee.
- Well, Monday morning, it's your turn.
WOMAN 3: See you.
Excuse me.
Some big names here.
I guess it's never out of fashion
to pay homage to the Ewing clan.
It must be an experience
to marry into this family.
It's hard to imagine.
How's everybody doing?
McKAY: Just fine.
- I got our seats.
- We're front-row center. How's that?
- Just fine.
- On one condition.
- Oh, no. Another condition?
I don't wanna be under any obligation
to catch the wedding bouquet.
Heh, all right. You got it.
You know, I love Texas.
It's never boring.
- Are you planning on staying long?
- As long as I stay turned on.
And believe me,
there's a lot of turn-ons around here.
[LAUGHS]
Well, that sounds like a line
if ever I've heard one.
It's only a line if it doesn't work.
Anyway, uh, I'll be seeing you around.
- I didn't think you'd be here.
- Ha, ha, wouldn't miss it.
Oh, you mean, uh,
being with April here, yeah.
It's the biggest show in town.
There's a band setting up over here.
You wanna check them out?
- You mind?
- No, I don't mind.
But she's my date, you know.
TOMMY: Ha, ha, right.
- Yeah.
Don't forget that, you know.
She's my date.
- Mr. Ewing?
- No, no, no, that's my brother.
- He's right there.
- Oh, okay.
J. R: Thank you.
MAN: Mr. Ewing, this is for you.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
LUC Y:
Hi.
Oh, hi.
- Dropped.
- You having fun yet?
- Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Well, good.
- Makes one of us, ha, ha.
- Yeah. Good. Uh-huh.
[WOMEN CHATTERING]
CALLY:
Come in.
LUC Y:
Cally.
You look beautiful.
[CALLY SIGHS]
- Oh, let me see.
- I feel like some fairy-book princess.
Miss Ellie's making it fit real good.
- It's not too tight?
- Oh, no.
It's the most perfect thing
I've ever worn.
- Think J.R.'s gonna like it?
ELLIE: I'm sure he will.
Golly, I'm so nervous.
- Everything's gonna be fine.
CALLY: Not about the wedding.
I'm just nervous about J.R.
Really taking to me...
...now that all his friends are gonna
see me as his lawful wedded wife.
Well, I'll be around
to help you out with J.R.
There are quite a few secrets
to handling a Ewing man.
The most important being: Speak softly,
but carry a big cattle prod, heh.
Well, I know one thing, anyways.
It's gonna be real nice
having you two for family.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Look who's here.
Well, welcome, Sue Ellen.
Hello, Clayton.
Clayton Farlow, Don Lockwood.
- Pleased to meet you.
DON: Pleasure's mine.
Well, I guess the weatherman was right.
First storm just blew in.
[CHUCKLES]
Don't worry, J.R.,
I won't rain on your parade.
Don Lockwood,
the one and only J.R. Ewing.
Congratulations on your wedding.
I hope you'll be very happy.
Well, thank you.
Can't help but be a vast improvement
over my last wife.
Would you all excuse me
for a moment?
Sue Ellen,
what the hell are you doing here?
I personally tore up your invitation.
I convinced Cally that John Ross
needed my moral support.
You just stay away from Cally.
Don't get so suspicious.
Actually, I'm thrilled
that you're getting married.
That kind of comment
makes me very nervous.
What's with the Lockwood fella?
He's a man with charm,
sensitivity and class.
In short, your exact opposite.
That does it, Sue Ellen. Why don't you
ask the parking attendants...
...to fetch your broom,
and you can just fly on home?
Ooh!
Not until I give this little gift
to your child bride.
Now, where is
that sweet young thing?
Now, you just stay away
from her, hear?
ELLIE:
You need something borrowed...
...and this is a necklace
that my mother wore at her wedding.
Oh, Miss Ellie.
And something blue.
Here's some sweet william and wisteria.
I guess I'm about the luckiest bride
in the whole world.
I couldn't beg for anything better.
Would anyone mind if I came in?
I don't wanna interrupt.
Oh, I'm so glad you could be here today,
Sue Ellen.
Well, yes, please. Come in, Sue Ellen.
Thank you.
Have you, uh, done something old,
something new yet?
Oh, we're right in the middle of it.
Because I wanna give Cally
something old.
You've already done that.
You've given her J.R.
- Lucy, that's not necessary.
- Sorry. I couldn't help myself.
[GIGGLES]
Anyway, um, I hope you like it.
You didn't have to do this, Sue Ellen.
Cally, you have earned it.
[CALLY GASPS]
It's beautiful.
That was the first gift
J.R. Ever gave me.
Oh, well, I couldn't take this from you.
No, I want you to have it.
Maybe it'll bring you better luck
with him than I had.
You see, Cally, J.R. Has a good side.
Trouble is, it's buried so deep
that you may have to drill for it.
But if you find it, tap into it.
Then your life won't be the living hell
that mine turned out to be.
CALLY:
Thanks.
Uh... Everyone's ready downstairs.
Cally?
Are you ready?
Yes, ma'am.
[SIGHS]
Here comes the bride.
Hey.
You're missing all the fun.
Wedding's about to start.
I'm glad you're here.
This is an important room
for you to see.
The famous J.R. Ewing bedroom.
Next to the Alamo, it's one
of the great battlegrounds of Texas.
I wanna re-create this room
for the movie.
In every detail.
Every bloodstained little nook
and cranny.
A few bad memories coming back?
Even some you haven't read
in my diaries.
Oh, I've got enough material already
for a sequel.
I remember another wedding day.
It was, uh, seven or eight years ago.
Lucy and Mitch were getting married...
...and J.R. Decided to celebrate
their holy vows...
...in his own distinctive way...
...right here in this room.
Well, you don't lie, that's for sure.
About what?
About what you do best.
- J. R?
- Hm?
You probably think I'm easy now.
I'm not.
I just never met anybody
like you before.
No, I'm not any better
than anybody else.
- I know that.
- Yeah?
I just meant you're different.
Oh, how different?
First time I saw you, I could tell
you always get what you want.
Well, I try.
So, what happens now?
Now I think
we ought to get downstairs...
...before people start wondering
where we are.
J. R:
Oh, hello, darling.
- Getting in out of the sun, darling?
- Oh, just answering nature's call.
And from the looks of your dress,
it's turning into quite a party.
Uh, no, J.R. It's just barely begun.
[PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
IN DISTANCE]
So...
...the real J.R. Has finally come home.
[SIGHS]
All those years of pain
and unhappiness.
No, no, no.
Come on.
Come on, you've gotta get past it.
Easy for you to say.
I did it when my wife died.
Motorcycle crash. She was 27.
And you never drank?
And you never went crazy?
And you never got so lonely that you
thought you were gonna turn into stone?
I travel. Keep moving.
Work on my problems in my writing.
That's what I plan to do
with our movie.
Humiliating J.R.
Isn't going to stop your pain, Sue Ellen.
[SIGHS]
Maybe not.
But when I think back...
...to all the hopes and the dreams
that I brought into my first marriage...
...and how that bastard
crushed them...
Shh.
[SIGHS]
PRIEST:
I require and charge you both...
...that if either of you
know any impediment...
...why you may not be joined
in marriage, speak up now.
[WIND WHISTLING]
Then I ask you, Calpurnia Harper...
...do you take this man,
John Ross Ewing Jr...
...as your lawful wedded husband?
CALLY:
I do.
PRIEST:
Will you now produce the ring?
Son.
Come on.
Thank you.
Please place it on her finger
and repeat after me.
It's all right, Reverend.
I know the drill.
With this ring, Cally Harper,
I thee wed.
PRIEST: Therefore, by the powers vested
in me, I am both pleased and delighted...
...to introduce you to this congregation
as Mr. And Mrs. J.R. Ewing.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Feel free to kiss the bride.
[HORSE NEIGHS]
[MID-TEMPO JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, they seem to be
enjoying themselves.
Being married to J.R.
Is like a Hitchcock movie.
You start out laughing, and then
you find yourself screaming in terror.
[MUSIC STOPS]
[J.R. LAUGHS]
Okay, that's it.
We gotta catch a plane.
Y'all dance, have a good time, hear?
J. R: All right, darling, let's go.
WOMAN: Have fun.
ALL:
Bye.
[J.R. & CALLY LAUGHING]
Oh, I'll bet
you're a happy little woman now.
Ah, I reckon I've had about the best day
a body could have.
Ha, ha, the only thing better than
a wedding day is a wedding night.
And you're gonna have a night
you'll never forget, Mr. J.R. Ewing.
I like the way you talk, honey.
[CALLY MO ANING]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Ha, ha. We ought to hurry.
The storm's coming on.
Let me help you out
of that tight little wedding dress.
Oh! J.R., you best save your gumption
for tonight.
[J.R. & CALLY LAUGHING]
I don't believe this.
That lousy S-O-B.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
CLAYTON: This weather's making them
leave in droves.
There's gonna be a terrible waste
of food.
- Yeah, I know.
- Paul? Paul?
- Bobby. Bobby. Look, read this.
- This is addressed to J.R.
Put me in jail for taking it.
I don't care. But read it.
Where is he?
BOBBY:
J.R.
I don't have any time
for congratulations.
- I'm gonna catch a plane right now.
- Not so fast. What's this?
- How did you get that?
- I think we ought to take this inside.
You've been opening my mail, Barnes.
Is that what you want for a partner?
A low-down little sneak?
Who's calling who a sneak?
- Let's take it inside.
- I'm not going anywhere.
You want an audience? You got a lot
of nerve selling the Ellis County land...
...without consulting us.
- It's my property.
- I can do anything I want to it.
- That's not the way it works.
Now, wait just a minute.
This is my wedding day.
Nobody's getting in no fistfight
until I throw my wedding bouquet.
- All right, darling.
- Okay, ladies, ready?
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[WOMEN SHRIEKING]
I wanna know who this Ultima Enterprises
is that you're doing business with.
- It's a dummy corporation, I'll bet.
- I don't know who owns that outfit.
We've sold it.
And the money is in the corporate
account. What could be better?
You probably sold it
for a fraction of it's worth.
Ugh, you're talking about
10 years down the line.
I'm talking about big bucks
in our pocket right now.
I don't buy it. I'm gonna find out
who it is you're doing business with.
J. R:
You keep me out of the oil business.
You're starting to interfere
with my side deals.
I'm not talking about one deal.
- I'm talking about trust.
CLIFF: We're talking about a partnership.
Trust? Partnership?
And then you go and open my mail?
That's a lot of hogwash
for me to swallow, I'll tell you that.
What is going on here?
This is a wedding day.
I'm ashamed of all of you.
We've got a bad enough storm outside.
We sure don't need another one in here.
Now, let's all have some coffee
and sit down...
...and wait for the storm to pass.
CHRISTOPHER: Guess what.
JOHN ROSS: There's a tornado watch...
...for Braddock County.
- We heard it on TV.
- Say anything about the roads?
- They're closed.
They're not letting people
drive anywhere.
I guess the ones who left early
were the smart ones.
The safest thing to do...
...is have everybody spend the night
right here at Southfork.
That's very kind of you, Miss Ellie,
but I think maybe we'll chance it.
Well, a tornado watch
can be a serious thing.
Hate to see anything happen.
Personally, I'd like to stay.
ELLIE: It's only one night.
We have plenty of bedrooms.
Hey, you know,
I've never stayed here at Southfork.
I think it might be fun, ha, ha.
Well, good. Then it's settled.
I'll start making
the sleeping arrangements.
I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend
my wedding night...
...with half the population of Dallas
in the next room.
Well, I'm sorry, J.R.,
but you have no choice.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, better here
than no honeymoon at all, honey.
I think the rain's romantic.
- It's really put me in the loving mood.
- Ha, ha, in you go, Mrs. Ewing.
I want you to pick me up and carry me
through the door like the old custom.
Well, now, you've been eating
a lot of wedding cake today.
You wouldn't want me to hurt my back,
would you?
And you wouldn't wanna
hurt my feelings...
...especially right at this moment.
J. R: Ha, ha.
SUE ELLEN: J. R?
I'm glad to see there's a little romance
still left in you.
I can't believe Mama put you
in that room across the hall from us.
I asked for my old room.
Ugh, well, are you planning
to peek through our keyhole all night?
Heh, I'm not that interested.
This is for you, Cally.
Thanks, Sue Ellen.
That's really thoughtful of you.
Well, aren't you going to carry
your young bride across the threshold?
Here. You just stay away from me.
Come on.
[SUE ELLEN CLEARS THRO AT]
Watch his back.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[DON LAUGHS]
You're right.
This is a research opportunity.
I'm sorry Miss Ellie
ran out of bedrooms.
DON: I'm so used to sleeping
on couches, it's almost a habit.
- Don?
- Hmm?
You can sleep in here if you like.
There's plenty of room.
Good night, Sue Ellen.
[SIGHS]
[CHATTERING]
- Oh, Lord.
- What?
You've outstayed your welcome,
Barnes.
- I'm just gonna finish this dance.
- That's fine with me.
- As long as you do it alone.
- No, get your hands off me.
It's all right, J.R.
No, it's not. I want him out
of your life and off this ranch.
- Don't touch me.
- You may have botched killing yourself...
...but I'm sure as hell not going...
[WOMAN SHRIEKS]
[CROWD GASPING AND SHOUTING]
Cliff! You guys!
Enough!
Oh, stop it! Stop it!
Freddy, give me a hand.
Get him out of here.
ELLIE:
Maybe Lucy's right.
Maybe there is a jinx
on Southfork weddings.
Every marriage ought to start off
with a flash of lightning.
Might get J.R. To take this
a little more seriously.
I heard you listening to the radio.
Any news?
Well, the tornado watch
has been extended to 16 counties...
...and two states.
When I was a girl,
I was terrified of tornadoes.
I'll lay you a wager...
...that we don't get one of them
to set down within 50 miles of here.
Ha, ha, I hope you're right.
Yeah, it's not the tornadoes and
the wind and the rain that bothers me.
What concerns me
is the amount of bad blood...
...that we have got sleeping
under one roof.
We'll be lucky to get through the night
without casualties.
- Thanks for letting me share your room.
- Oh, no problem.
Well, I'm glad it fits.
Well, it's a little
on the, uh, short side.
Oh, well.
At least you've got nice legs.
Well, just don't expect me
to go prance down the hall.
Yeah, especially if Bobby's
anywhere around.
I don't think he could take
the excitement.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
I know it's none of my business...
...but, uh, just how serious
are you two getting, anyway, hmm?
- Does it bother you?
- No.
I just think you're a nice girl,
and, uh, I get a little concerned...
...every time somebody nice
gets mixed up with this family.
Hello, April.
Hello.
BOBBY:
How you doing?
I'm okay.
I hope John Ross didn't mind
giving up his room for me.
Oh, the kids are camping out on
my floor. It's the most fun they've had...
...in a long time.
- How about you? You having fun?
Well, it's not every day
I come down to the kitchen...
...and find a pretty girl
drinking coffee.
So tell me about you and Tracey.
Tell me about you and Tommy.
[CHUCKLES]
Ironic, isn't it? Brother and sister?
Well, our paths do seem to cross
every once in a while.
And here we are, midnight...
...me in your kitchen,
you in your bathrobe...
...while all hell's breaking loose outside,
discussing each other's love life.
April...
...do you think that...
...we can be friends?
We could try.
McKAY: Whoo, what happened
to all the leftovers?
BOBBY:
Hello, Carter.
- Hey, Bobby. April.
APRIL: Hi.
BOBBY: You hungry?
- I get this way every tornado season.
I happen to know where the remains
of the wedding cake are...
...and for a price, I'll guide you to it.
That's my cue to get some sleep.
Good night, gentlemen.
McKAY: Good night.
BOBBY: Good night, April.
So you want your slice
from the bride's side or the groom's?
Just drag the whole thing out here.
[BOBBY LAUGHS]
Grab some towels.
TOMMY:
Surprise.
[TOMMY LAUGHING]
[APRIL SIGHS]
Ooh!
You look a little chilly.
Pick any part of your body,
and I'll be glad to warm it up.
Tommy.
That's my name.
I like you.
I'm attracted to you.
And right now, I'm very tempted.
[CHUCKLES]
Don't say no.
But not here. I mean, not tonight.
You're a tease, April Stevens.
And what are you, Tommy McKay?
A man who's in need
of a long, cold shower.
Don't keep me waiting too long, sugar.
You wouldn't want me to explode,
would you?
Sweet dreams.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
[GASPING]
Well, I never thought
I'd be spending the night at Southfork.
Sure as hell didn't think
I'd be sleeping on the floor.
Reminds me of my favorite film:
It Happened One Night,
except you're no Claudette Colbert.
Well, it reminds me
of my favorite film.
But I think if this house
were taken away by a tornado to Oz...
...l'm not sure that the Munchkins
would be ready for J.R. Ewing.
Uh, why aren't you upstairs
with, uh, Sue Ellen?
Why aren't you upstairs
romancing the lovely April?
Oh, because we're just friends.
The way Sue Ellen looked at you
seemed more than just friends.
Well, I was her escort.
That's all.
Yeah? You're saying
that you two aren't an item?
That's right.
What are you, then?
I think I'll leave you guessing.
Well, you're not quite as straightforward
as a Texan...
...but I guess you're devious enough
to fit right in here in Dallas.
Well, I'll take that as a compliment.
You know, this just doesn't seem right,
me sleeping down here on the floor...
...while J.R.'s up there
riding this storm out with a smile.
Well, wasn't that worth waiting for?
[J.R. CHUCKLES]
You don't hear me complaining, honey.
Now I truly do feel
like the real Mrs. J.R. Ewing.
Can I ask you something?
Now that we're man and wife,
you can ask me anything you want.
Just how long
have you been pregnant?
With any luck at all...
...about...
...10 minutes.
What?
I checked with your doctor.
You mean Sue Ellen's doctor.
We told him we were funning
a little bit with you...
...and he was happy to oblige.
This was Sue Ellen's idea?
No, my idea, but she helped me.
See, I wanted you, J.R.,
more than anything else...
...and this is the only way
I could catch you.
J. R:
Well...
...I gotta tip my hat to you, Cally.
You just might have the stuff
to make a proper Ewing wife after all.
[J.R. LAUGHING]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
J.R.
J. R: I'm gonna go down and get
another bottle of champagne, honey.
[SUE ELLEN CHUCKLES]
You were a little quicker
than usual, J.R.
[LAUGHS]
NARRATOR:
Next on Dallas:
You got the makings
of a great wife...
...and you have a strong streak
of deviousness in you.
APRIL: He's cute. There's also something
a little scary about him.
- What do you mean?
APRIL: He was waiting for me...
...in bed, stark naked.
You don't screw around
with those Colombians.
You'll wake up in the morning and find
your ears sewn to the inside of your eyelids.
I mean, I really just want us
to be friends.
You won't get an argument from me.
TOMMY:
Well, if it's not the new bridegroom.
Wait, this isn't the new bride, is it?
Everyone needs love.
[ENGLISH SDH]