Dad's Army (1968–1977): Season 9, Episode 4 - The Miser's Hoard - full transcript

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

# We are the boys who will make you think again.

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun!

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

James...Frazer.



HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

"Dear Mrs Pickering,

"I hope the funeral arrangements
for your late husband were satisfactory.

"May I say how sorry I was that the hearse
ran out of petrol just outside the cemetery.

"I'm sure your dear departed husband
would have been proud of the way you helped
push him to his resting place.

"And what a fine, strong woman your mother is.

"I hope you managed to get the mud off her skirt.

"I include my final account."

Let me see... "One solid oak coffin, £4.15s.3d.
One set of brass handles, 13s.6d.

"Transport fare, £3.14s.2d."

That makes an allowance of £2...

..no, for 32s
- for the lost 120 yards!

"Total: £9.2s.11d."

Profit... Let me see.
Profit: £3.6s.8d.



Total profit for the week:

£18.17s.2d!

Less 6s.1d housekeeping.

Not bad!

Not bad at all.

I'll have a small herring tomorrow as a wee treat,

and I'll be able to buy two more...

golden sovereigns.

That'll make... Let me see.

100, 200, 300, 400, 500 and...

..one, two, three, four.

Five hundred and four pounds and three shillings!

In present currency...

..that's valued at...

..three thousand one hundred and two pounds,

and four shillings.

LOUD KNOCKS

Oh... Oh, mercy. Mercy...

Who...who's there?

< It's me, Dr McCeavedy.

Hold on a wee minute, Doctor.

I...I... Oh, dear!

I'll be with you in a minute, son.

LOUD CLATTER OF COINS

I WON'T BE LONG!

I'm just done. I'll be with you, man.

It IS him.

Doctor, come in, man.

There you are! I was just listening to ITMA.

Ah! I've come about old Mr Brewster.

- Has his time come?
- Aye. God rest him.

Dear, oh, dear!
I'll go along and make the arrangements.

I came straight here.
He only went 20 minutes ago.

Oh!

Enough time for a wee dram!

- Sit down, Doctor.
- You're kind.

Man, you're welcome! Welcome!

As welcome as...the flu in spring!

No...?

Ah, to hell with it! Here.

- Long may your cup be full.
- Hear, hear!

- Doing the books, are you?
- Aye.

Look at that! 6s.4d.
It's hardly worthwhile!

It's a hard life.
Well, I'll be off, then.

Great Scott! They're sovereigns!
Hundreds of gold sovereigns!

Is that a fact?

I wonder...

I wonder how they got there.

It's almost beyond belief, Doctor.

I saw it myself. He's not my patient,
so I'm breaching no confidence,

but I'm of the opinion
that he's a trifle unstable.

Well, we've found him a little unpredictable,
haven't we, Wilson?

Sir, I think he's very predictable.

The point is, if anything happens to that gold,
it'll surely turn his mind.

- You need to persuade him to put it...
in some place of safety.
- Yes.

Thank you for the gen, Doctor.
I'll do my best for him, count on that.

Thank you, Doctor. Goodbye.

- What do you make of it?
- I don't see that it's our business.
- Yes, it is!

He's a comrade-in-arms,
as well as a client of the bank.

It's my duty as his CO,
his banker and his friend

to tell him to sell the sovereigns
and buy an annuity.

So that you get a commission.

I... That's nothing to do with it!

- Mr Mainwaring.
- Yes?

- Mr Frazer's statement.
- Thank you.

Look at that.
The poor man's only got £15.6s.8d!

We should have a collection for him.

- You could organise it, Mr Mainwaring.
- Quiet, Pike.

- £15.6s.8d. and he's sitting on hundreds of them.
- Hundreds of what?

Mind your own business, Pike.

- Take your thumb out of your mouth!
- Sorry!

- I don't think he uses this account
from one year's end to the next!
- Is it coffins?

- Is WHAT coffins?
- What Mr Frazer's sitting on.

You know, Wilson, I think it's illegal
to possess more than five of these.

- Doesn't sound like coffins.
- They're meant to be used to buy battleships.

Not coffins...

Handles!

- Is it coffin handles?
- Quiet, Frank!

- But am I getting warmer?
- Now, stop! Just stop it!

- I don't trust him. Eyes very close together.
- Are they? I've never noticed.

It denotes a mean streak.

I don't think it's fair to say
Mr Frazer's mean!

- No?
- Last Friday, he let me have
three bags of crisps!

He said they were valuable
- the real pre-war things!

- He made you pay for them?
- Yes, but not the black market price!

How this boy got his school certificate,
I'll never know!

They weren't bad. A bit soggy,
but the salt was as dry as a bone!

- Go away, Pike.
- PIKE MUMBLES

- ..and the bag went "Pop"!
- Get out!

I'll talk to Frazer tomorrow.

Well, if Frank's fool enough to buy
worn out bags of crisps,
I really don't see that it's our business.

I'm not talking about crisps!

Do try not to let your mind wander!

What he's doing with these sovereigns
is sheer folly!

He's obstinate. He'll send you away
with your tail between your legs!

I don't often get sent away
with my tail between my legs!

- Shall I drop a few hints?
- No, I'll deal with it. I'll be very tactful.

I'll bring it up on parade tonight.

Silence in the ranks. Stop talking!

Silence in the ranks!
Private Pike! Private Pike!

Stop now, or you'll be on a fizzer
for conduct to the prejudice,
and not having silence in the ranks.

- I was just finishing my sentence!
- There won't be time for that
when Mr Bosche German starts invading!

He's not here now, is he? Whisht, man!

Let the fool get on,
or we'll be here all night!

We're going to practise
doing things in our gas masks.

Excuse me. 'Respirators'.

- What was that?
- Captain Mainwaring likes us
to call them respirators.

That's as may be. The thing is:

we must practise so much,
that everything we do normally,
we can do in our gas masks.

- Respirators!
- Silence!

Now, the thing is this -

one day we'll be going about as usual,
when suddenly, Hitler lets it off!

Are we down-hearted? No!

We just put on our gas respirator, and carry on.

Everything we can do ordinarily,
we can do wearing one of these!
I can go on working in my shop,

Pikey can go on banking,
Frazer can do funerals,

and Mr Godfrey can go to the clinic!

They couldn't take my temperature.

No. Perhaps you could go back.

You could have it taken later,
couldn't you?

- Can you eat?
- No.
That's right. You can't eat.
But you can do everything else!

- Can you drink?
- No.
No, that's right.
No, you can't drink...

- I can't clean my teeth.
- Well, who wants to clean their teeth,
with Hitler gassing all over?

You can't smoke a cigarette.
It'll get pushed down your throat!

The fool's talking nonsense!
There's hundreds of things you can't do!

Silence in the ranks!
Mr Frazer, I'll have you for insubordination!

What we must do first is practise
doing things in our gas masks.

- Respirators!
- Godfrey, I'll have you doubling
round the church hall 50 times!

Now, then. First of all,
I'm going to teach you how to fix bayonets!

On the command 'Gas',
I shall put on my respirator mask.

Right! Ga-a-as!

The thing to do when you hear that command
is to hold your breath
and get this on as quickly as you can!

Get it on as quickly as you can.

MUFFLED WORDS

HE WHEEZES

Heurghh!

Then you get your rifle in your left hand,

and your bayonet...

- Jones, what are you doing?
- Argh!

Heurghh!

Heurghh!

- MUFFLED:
- I'm showing them how to
fix bayonets in their gas masks.

Take it off!

I'M TRYING...

- ..to fix a bayonet in my gas mask.
- Respirator.

- We kept telling him!
- Quiet, Pike.

- Fall the men in.
- Aye, sir. Fall in, please,
in three ranks.

Quickly.

I'll speak to the men about money and security
- on a broad basis.

How lovely.

Now, we'll soon see if Frazer
gives himself away. All right?

Before you're dismissed,
I want to have a word with you about savings.

As you know, this war is costing
millions every day.

I expect you've worked hard all your lives...

Yes, sir.

When I was ten, I got up at five
to follow the milkman and his horse.

Every time the milkman stopped, he said,
"Hang on to that horse!"
And he wasn't a nice horse.

In the winter, in the cold,
he used to stamp his feet and tread on my toes.

In the summer, with all the flies,
he'd toss his head and toss me over.

If I let go, I got a clip round the ear.
I only got tuppence a week.
But it was a good life!

Now, we must get our money to work for us.

- Isn't that right?
- Yes, certainly.

So, we must make our money work for us.

Some people put notes in mattresses.
This is foolhardy.

My mum keeps a lot concealed about her person.
She says nobody will find it
- least of all Uncle Arthur.

Would you be quiet, Frank!

My sister, Dolly, keeps a bit in an old teapot.
It has a broken spout.

Ooh!
You must take a firm line over that, Godfrey.

She must put it into a bank.

Captain, are you touting for business?

I'm just giving you some advice.

There's also risk involved.
You may have a bomb fall on you,
or an incendiary, or a burglary.

Burglars, of course,
will be particularly looking out for GOLD.

Ahh!

Not that I expect you chaps
to have much gold about,

but if you have...
then it's your patriotic duty to sell it
and help the war effort.

And put the money in your bank!

Not necessarily, no.
Right. That's all.

Squad, attention!

Dismiss!

- Come with me, will you, Wilson?
- Yes, sir.

- I think that was very well done.
- Oh, yes, sir.

- I handled that very subtly.
- Very diplomatically.

I don't think Frazer suspected
that I was referring to him. Do you?

No. But I must say that when you mentioned gold,
he jumped ever-so-slightly out of his skin.

He had no inkling that I knew.

- Not at all.
- KNOCK ON DOOR

Enter!

There's just one thing I want to say to you.

If you think you're going to get your hands
on my gold, you can think again!

I don't trust banks!
I don't trust bankers!
And I don't trust YOU!
That's all I want to say. Thank you.

There! Seven pounds of King Edwards. Sixpence.

Next!

I hear you've got onions.
Shh! You'll have everyone here!

You can have half a pound,
cos you're a regular.

Vicar! We don't often see you here!
We don't often see onions here!

Shh!

You can have half a pound,
but only on condition that
you cut your sermons to eight minutes!

That includes getting in and out!

Here!
Shove 'em under your cassock and look holy!

Here! Here!

Have you heard the scandal about Frazer?

- Is there a woman involved?
- You shouldn't listen to gossip!

- What's he done?
- He's hoarding gold coins.
You can't move for them!

I'll get him to contribute
to the church fabric fund!

You'll be lucky! He owes me 13s.6d.
I've asked for it till I'm blue.
I'll have to county court him!

Parsimony is a sin,
if carried to excess, isn't it?

I've never given it much thought.

He can't take it with him!

He'll put it in his coffin,
like the Vikings did!

What a waste! I'll go and see him!

Hello, Operator?
Are you still getting no reply?

Well, I don't understand it,
but thank you for trying. Goodbye.

- Th...thank you!
- I don't understand this at all.

Frazer's never missed a parade!
Have you had any luck?

- HE SLURS:
- He wasn't...at the Horse and Hound.

And he ha...hasn't been at the Fox,
because we made enquiries.

- We also enquired at the Red Lion,
the Marquis of...
- Frank!

..the Goat, the Fox and Pheasant,
and the Black Horse,
and what Mum will say I just do not know!

- Sit down, Wilson!
- Thank you, sir.

- He wasn't at Charlie's cafe either.
- We had a black coffee there,
which hasn't helped!

We're supposed to be off duty!

Damn good job for you that you are!
Sit there until you sober up a bit.

Or the men will know you're drunk.

- Frank, the gallant captain is cross with me!
- Sshh!

He wasn't in the library, sir,
and he wasn't answering his door.

- But he took his milk in,
so he's got nourishment.
- He wasn't at the Whist Drive.

He's probably with a floozy
in some gambling den in darkest Walmington!

PHONE RINGS

Home Guard.

Captain Mainwaring?

Frazer, why aren't you on parade?

I'm not coming. It's all YOUR fault!

There's folk hammering on my door,

even that pilly, wally Vicar!

Well, mark this.
None of you are going to get your hands on my gold!

I'm putting it...
where none of you will ever FIND it!

Nobody wants your gold!
All we're... Hello?

Hello?

Hello? He put the receiver down.

- Was he in a call box?
- No, I didn't hear the tuppence go.
- He's at home.

What is he going to do?

I know what I'd do in his shoes.

I'd get my gold and melt it down.
And when it was hot and bubbly,
I'd put it in a mould to make a vessel.

Then I'd paint it white,
and put it somewhere where it didn't notice.

You mean you'd make it into a vase de nuit?

What's that?

Vase de nuit.

It's French.

- I'm aware that it's French!
- It...it means, literally, night vase.
- Night vase?!

- Tiddly pot!
- What was that?

- We had them in the dorm at school.
We called them tiddly pots.
- Quiet!

I saw a film called "Miser's Gold".

The man in that had to hide his gold nuggets,
so he hid them in a field.

Then the farmer came and ploughed it.
Then the other man came back,

and all he found was stones!
And that's what he said.

"Stones, stones.
My nuggets have turned...to stones."

I can't listen to all this drivel...
Hold on! You may have something!

He WOULD bury it. But where?

- In his garden!
- No, he wouldn't bury it in his garden.
It's all concrete.

You can't bury things in concrete!
Not without one of those rheumatic drills!

- How about Peabody Park?
- Possibly.

- In the sand hills, at night.
- They're too crowded at night.

- There are a dozen places...
- I think he'll do it tonight, sir.

You may be right. We must shadow him.

- What, like George Raft?
- We'll make a roster.

We'll keep him covered throughout
the hours of darkness.
Sergeant... Oh, never mind.

Tiddly pots! That's what they are...

Hello. Captain Mainwaring?
Jones the butcher.

Has there been some development?

We saw Frazer come out of his house
with a box under his arm.
Not an undertaker's box, you understand?

Go on.

He looked kind of furtive,
and he moved off. So we followed him,

- and we followed him...
- Get on with it!

Then he went into a church yard.
I told Pikey to stop and watch him.

- He's in the church yard.
- HICCUP

And I flitted between the monuments like a wraith,
you know, so he wouldn't see me.

Then suddenly I saw a telephone box
and I thought, "That's hunkydory!"

So I got out two pennies,
and I was just... Hello?

Hello? Oh! He must have put the phone down.
I expect he's in one of his moods!

Hello? Who is it?

Chief Warden Hodges.
Guess what I saw on patrol !

- Animal, vegetable or mineral?
- This isn't a game!

I just saw Frazer sneak into the church yard.
I bet he's burying his gold!

When the Vicar wanted a donation,
he said he was poor as a church mouse!

He said it plain as a pike staff
- through his very own letter box.

I think the Vicar may like to see
what's going on in his churchyard
at 1.30 in the morning!

We'll be round in five minutes!

Heh, heh!

Oh!

There he is, over there.

You see, he digs... Then he cackles.
Then he digs again.
He's been doing that for ten minutes!

Dig, dig, heh, heh!

- Heh!
- Don't do that!

There he is!
See that, Reverend? He's desecrating!

It's not quite as bad as that!

Heh, heh, heh!

They're never going to get it.
They'll never get my gold!

Uncle Arthur,

I'm frightened!

Heh, heh!

We can go and investigate.

He's off! Let's follow him.
Wait! I can see figures moving.

This is the place.
Right! Uncover it, Pike.

- What with?
- Your hands!
- There might be slugs or worms
or creepy crawlies!

Get on with it!

You ought to have somebody look at that boy,
you know.

They're wearing army hats!
I do believe it's Mainwaring's lot!

What's he doing here? Come on, Mr Yeatman.

It's heavy
- Must be chock full of gold!

Open it.

- It's locked.
- Here, Pikey, use my bayonet!

- But it's not ours!
- Quite right, Sponge. Leave it.

- Caught you red-handed!
You were going to steal that!
- No, I wasn't!

- What, then? I'll handle this.
- He's going about lawfully.

- In a churchyard? At night?
- I'm concerned about one of my men.

- You're filching that box! Be quiet!
- I'll speak to Frazer,

- and get him to sell up and buy an annuity.
- So you get a commission.

So I... Never mind that!

So you see, Frazer,
we acted from the very best of motives.

But our finding the box so easily,

only adds proof to my statement:

the bank's the best place for your valuables
- be they in cash or kind.

- But not your bank!
- Don't interfere! Fetch the box, Wilson.
- Yes, sir.

The key?

Here, son.

Give that to the captain.
He's a fine man.

Now don't...

Rest assured, Frazer,
my bank will take care of this.

Something for the fabric
of the church would be welcome.

It's a brick! It's a damn brick!

Aye! It's a brick!
And yon Vicar can have it
for the fabric of his kirk!

I'll hold on to my money!
You won't put your hands on it!

You're not going to have my gold!
You won't have my gold!

Subtitles by Mala Balani - 1991

Edited by DJPJ