Dad's Army (1968–1977): Season 3, Episode 6 - Room at the Bottom - full transcript

Arthur Wilson secretly enjoys passing on HQ captain Bailey's finding that Mainwaring's captain's commission in the original local militia days is invalid, so he'll be reduced to lieutenant, as befits a platoon commander. When HQ concludes he's actually not even NCO, he has to join the ranks without actual profit under the Guard drill instructor he ordered himself. After the platoon's embarrassing failure at an exercise, everyone writes to have him reinstated, except Frazer, who smells opportunity.

Come in.

- Evening, sir.
- Evening. Where's Mr Mainwaring?

I'm afraid we've got the
auditors at the bank

and he's been delayed there, you know,
just to clear up one or two points.

I see. I can't wait for him.
I've got two other units to visit.

- Perhaps you could give him a message.
- Certainly, sir.

A bit awkward. Don't
quite know how to start.

- Well, would you care to sit down?
- Thank you.

Erm... Look, tell me,
how long has Mr Mainwaring been a captain?

- Since we started.
- As Local Defence Volunteers?

- That's right, yes.
- There were no commissions in the LDV.



- Really? Weren't there?
- No.

It was only in February that officers in
the Home Guard were granted a commission.

- How did he become a captain?
- Well, I... I...

I think he sort of... made himself one.

Oh, did he? I often wondered why, as a
captain, he was only in charge of a platoon.

Is that wrong?

It is usual to have a lieutenant
in charge of a platoon.

There's some rum ranks in the Home Guard.
We're sorting them out.

Be that as it may, I'm very sorry,
but he never was a captain.

He'll have to take one of his pips off.
Would you tell him?

Yes, I'll do that.

Tell him that I'll confirm it in writing
in the next few days.

Right, yes.

Well, well. Only a lieutenant.



Fancy that.

- Sergeant, here's your cup of char.
- Ah, my dear Walker. How lovely. Thank you.

- You're the cat that got the cream. What's up?
- Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing.

- By the way, I got your what's-his-name.
- Thank you very much indeed, Walker. Lovely.

- You don't half look happy.
- Well, you know how it is.

Oh, yes.

Yes, well, now...

Mainwaring...

I'm afraid I've got
some rather bad news for you.

Now, Mainwaring, you've got to brace
yourself for a shock, you know. Oh, yes.

Yes.

I'm afraid, Mainwaring,

one of those little pips
has got to come off.

Oh, yes.

Good evening, Lieutenant Mainwaring.

- How are you?
- Hello, Wilson.

Well...

You'll be pleased to hear
that I got the drill sergeant for us.

Oh, yes, sir? What drill sergeant?

Don't you ever remember anything?
I said that the platoon was getting sloppy.

He's coming to give us an hour's drill.

I think he'll be a good man.
He's from the Guards.

What on earth have you got on your head?

A beret, sir. I think it rather
suits me, don't you think?

You're not supposed to wear that. Those
are for officers only. Take it off at once.

Can't go about
wearing things you're not entitled to.

The Home Guard's
now an organised fighting unit.

The days are gone when people could just
promote themselves to any fancy rank.

Funny you should say that, sir.
Captain Bailey said it when he called.

- He's been here?
- Yes.

- Usual red-tape nonsense, I suppose?
- Yes, he wanted you to take off a pip.

Is that all?

He wanted what?

He said, sir, that you're not actually
a captain. You're really only a lieutenant.

- Are you trying to be funny?
- No, sir.

Right, we'll soon settle this.

Upstart.

Give me Eastgate 166, please.

It's a pity he's got nothing better to do.

Pity you've got nothing better to do
than listen to him.

Sometimes, Wilson, I think
you've got... Hello.

It's Mainwaring here. Captain Mainwaring.

Walmington-on-Sea.

Now, I'm sorry to bother you,
but there's been some mistake.

Captain Bailey was here and he's left some
peculiar, garbled story to my sergeant here.

It's quite possible he could have got it wrong.
Something absurd about taking a pip off. What?

Yes.

Yes, I thought so.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Right, Wilson.

What's the game?

- Game, sir?
- Yes, the game, man.

Telling me that I'm not a captain any more,
making me ring up GHQ.

- Who did you talk to there, sir?
- The sergeant, who knew nothing about it.

- Well? I'm waiting for your explanation.
- Well, er... uh...

You know, Wilson, I am
forced to say that...

...you have confirmed a suspicion
that's been in my mind for some weeks now.

You're jealous of me.

Jealous, sir?

Don't think I haven't noticed
those glances at my hat.

That's why you bought a beret, to keep up
with me. You don't fool me, not for a moment.

- You'd give anything to be in my shoes.
- I assure you, sir, you're wrong.

I'm not in the Home Guard for the glory. I'd
as soon serve as a sergeant or a private.

These pips don't mean... that to me.

Excuse me. Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard.

Just a moment. It's for you, sir.

Mainwaring here. Oh, hello, sir.
How are you?

Yes, I did ring earlier.
I spoke to the sergeant.

He'd only just come on duty.

What? I don't quite...

He hadn't been told what?

Yes, sir.

But surely... Yes, sir.

I'm... I'm sorry, sir. I really am.

♪ I heard a voice within me whisper

♪ This is worth fighting for... ♪

- Oh, excuse me, sir. Can I help in any way?
- No, thank you, Godfrey.

Tailoring is my line. I was in the gentlemen's
outfitting department of Civil Service Stores.

- I don't think that would be much use to me.
- At least let me try.

- What is the trouble?
- I'm taking a pip off each shoulder.

Oh, yes. I'll just pull
these bits of cotton out.

- You can see the marks where the pip's been.
- Yes, I know.

- Why are you taking it off, sir?
- I can't go into all that. It's a long story.

- Don't say anything to the men.
- About what, sir?

Never mind. You can go.

Go home, Godfrey. Go home.

It's nearly time to dismiss the parade.

- Oh, I see you've taken them off.
- Yes, yes, I've taken them off.

I don't want anything said to the men.

- They'll find out.
- I shall devise a reason for them not to.

Oh, you must have been seeing things,
Mr Godfrey.

- No, no. I helped him.
- Maybe he's been promoted.

That's it, that's it.

Major. That's the next step up. He was taking
them three pips off to put a crown up.

Blimey, don't say that.
He was pompous enough as a captain.

Now, come along, please.
Er... What have I got to say?

Ah, yes. Properly at ease, everybody.

- I can't wait to see what's on his shoulders.
- Walker! Please.

Right, platoon. Platoon, attention!

Ready for your inspection, sir.

Eyes front, Frazer.

- Permission to speak, sir?
- Yes?

Why are you wearing a shoulder protector,
sir? Is that standard dress now?

No, it isn't, Corporal.
I'm testing them out.

- Anything wrong with that?
- No, no, sir. I like it, I like it, sir.

- A word or two about Sunday's exercise.
- Excuse me, sir!

Ye cannae take the parade
wi' your badges o' rank covered up.

You've told us many a time it's not the man
we salute, but the King's commission.

He's right. How can we salute you if we can't
see your badge? You'll have to take it off.

- Very well. You might as well know the truth.
- Mr Mainwaring, sir! Mr Mainwaring, sir!

- Sir! Mr Mainwaring!
- What is it, Verger?

- The Bismarck's been sunk, sir.
- What?

The German battleship Bismarck, it's been
sunk. It's just come through on the wireless.

I'll tell His Reverence, sir.

I don't know how he'll take it.

Dismissed!

- Well, that's good news, isn't it, Wilson?
- Yes, sir. The navy has saved your bacon.

♪ I know the touch of... ♪

Come in.

- Ah, good evening, sir.
- Evening.

- Mr Mainwaring not here yet?
- No, I'm afraid not. He's with the auditors.

Oh, pity. Look, how did he take last night?

- Take what?
- His pips off, man.

He, er... Well, he just cut them off.

- With a pen-knife.
- No, how did it affect him?

He was terribly cut up.
His whole life is the Home Guard.

Yes, I realise that, Sergeant.

- Makes my task even more difficult.
- What task?

Well, when Mainwaring phoned up GHQ
last night, we began to look into things.

It appears that he hasn't even
been commissioned as a lieutenant.

I'm afraid I don't quite understand.

It's perfectly simple. He hasn't got any rank
at all. He has no authority over this platoon.

- Look, it's all in that letter. Give it to him.
- Right, yes, sir.

Oh, by the way,
in the meantime, you'll be in charge.

Until I can make other arrangements.

- Oh, good news about the Bismarck, wasn't it?
- Yes, awfully good news.

Platoon! Platoon, 'shun!

I think I'll go out of the other door. Give
him that letter when he comes, won't you?

- Hello, Wilson.
- Hello, sir.

- Everything all right?
- Yes, quite all right, yes.

- Get the men together. I want to talk to them.
- Before you do anything...

No, no, no. The men have got to know
that I'm now a lieutenant.

- Yes, well...
- After all, ours not to reason why.

Well, I think you ought to read this letter from
Captain Bailey. He left it a few moments ago.

- Here again?
- Yes. He couldn't stop.

What's the matter with that man? Anybody
would think he didn't want to see me.

Well, excuse me, sir.

If you don't mind, sir, I'll...
I'll just go and do something else.

- Yes, all right.
- Right.

My God, he's shot himself.

Sorry about that bang, Mr Wilson. Mr Godfrey
had one up the spout and it went off.

But it's all right. Nobody was hurt.

Nobody was hurt, Mr Mainwaring.
Nobody was...

- What's the matter with...?
- He's had a shock.

Perhaps you could help me
get Mr Mainwaring down into this seat.

I never thought rifle fire
would affect him like that.

I can't get over it.
Mr Mainwaring's never an officer after all.

Not at all. He's not an officer at all.

- I wonder how he's taking it?
- It was awful at the bank.

Didn't come out of the office. Mr Wilson
had to push the post underneath the door.

- Poor Mainwaring. We'll miss him.
- Serves him right.

He's been tempting providence,
strutting about like a peacock.

There you all are. Good.

Right, now, just fall in, will you?
In three ranks. Come on, quick as you can.

- Come on, Walker.
- All right, all right, all right.

Come on, now. Just listen to me.
Now, before...

Before we go on with any, er... rifle...

...any rifle exercise, I should tell you
that I've been put in charge of this platoon

until they appoint a new officer.

Does that mean you're leading us
on the exercise on Sunday?

- Yes, I'm afraid it does, yes.
- What's going to happen to Mr Mainwaring?

Mr Mainwaring
is no longer a member of this platoon.

- That isn't strictly accurate, Sergeant.
- What...?

Cor!

When I was first informed that I was
no longer to be your commanding officer,

I must admit that my first reaction
was to go away quietly.

And then I thought, "No."
The defence of this town must come first.

This country
needs every able-bodied man it can get,

and... I was very proud...

to lead you as Captain Mainwaring.

I shall be equally proud to march in
your ranks as Private Mainwaring.

That's all.

Never you mind, Mr Mainwaring. You'll always
be Captain Mainwaring as far as I'm concerned.

Now, you just form a little rank beside me, my
dear sir. You form a little rank over here.

You move over, Mr Godfrey.

That was beautiful, Mr Mainwaring.
That was beautifully done. Very good.

- Very good indeed, sir.
- Sycophants! Pah!

You haven't got a rifle.
He hasn't got a bundook.

All right. Let me have that rifle, please.
Here you are, sir.

Are you... Are you quite sure
that you want to go through with this?

- I thought I'd just made that quite clear.
- Right, sir.

In that case, platoon... Platoon...

- Are you ready, sir?
- Oh, get on with it!

Platoon, attention!

Stand at ease!

I used to have that trouble, Mr Mainwaring.

- I done a lot of practice. I'm all right now.
- All right, Jones.

Platoon... Platoon, attention!

Blast!

I think you put me off, Mr Mainwaring.

You know, sir, that was
so much better, sir.

- It wasn't. It was all wrong. Do it again.
- All right. Platoon... Platoon, stand at...

Platoon, stand at...

Just... Just wait for it, sir. Wait for it.

Platoon, stand at ease!

Attention!

It took Jonesy a year to get it right.
Mainwaring's put him back where he started.

Name's Gregory, drill sergeant.
Is the platoon ready?

- Ready for what?
- Drill. An hour's drill.

- I told you he was coming.
- Stop talking in the ranks! Stop talking!

- Now, let's have a look at you.
- Wouldn't you rather fall out, sir?

- You need have no fears...
- Talking again? Calling him "sir"?

- It is terribly awkward.
- What is he? A knight?

Looks like a rough knight to me.

What's the matter with you lot? No sense of
humour? Have a laugh. Get air in your lungs.

I do a lot of laughing, I do.

In my job, you get plenty to laugh about.

I should think you lot
will give me a few chuckles.

- What are you laughing at, then, lad?
- I'm not laughing. It's my normal expression.

Looking at you, it's the
only thing that is normal.

Look to your front, lad! Get your 'ead up!

Not that high! Do you
think you're a Bisto kid?

No use looking on the ground. There's nothing
down there. I know. I've been all over it.

What a horrible lot.

Ah. You an old soldier, are you?

- That's right, Sergeant. I've been all through.
- I'll bet you have.

I expect you've been through more
than I've had hot dinners.

Kitchener may need you, but I don't.
I don't know what I'm doing here.

I should be doing something useful,
like drilling soldiers.

- You! Where did you get that 'at?
- Pardon?

- The hat. On your 'ead.
- Well, I... I just bought it.

Oh, you bought it? It's an officer's 'at!
You've got no business wearing it!

What about this Fred Karno's? Who do you
think you are? The boys of the old brigade?

Stomach in. Chin in. Both of them.

- Why aren't you in the army?
- I was. I got me ticket.

- What for?
- I was allergic to corned beef.

I thought so. You've got "malingerer"
written all over you.

- You're due for the army soon, ain't you?
- I want to go in the navy.

- But me mum says I'm too delicate.
- Oh, dear, oh, dear.

I am sorry. What is wrong with you, lad?

- I've got a chest.
- Really? You'd look bloody funny without one!

I've got a cure for that. Start running
on the spot. Go! Hup, hup, hup!

You look like some foreign nancy boy
treading grapes. Hup, hup, hup! And you!

- And you! Hup, hup, hup!
- Hup, hup, hup!

- Not you! Not you!
- Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup...

- Halt!
- But I like it. I like it, Sergeant.

Oh, we've got a keen one here, have we?

No, you'd better not. I wouldn't like any 'arm
to come to you. Such a nice old gentleman.

- You remind me of my granddad.
- Oh?

He died five years ago. They dug him up three
weeks ago. Looks better than you do now.

You're going
too far, Sergeant.

- I beg your pardon?
- I said, you're going too far.

Did you hear that? It's
His bleedin' Lordship.

I'm going too far? YOU'RE going too far,
but you ain't gonna get anywhere.

- Start running on the spot! Hup, hup, hup, hup!
- Mr Mainwaring used to be our officer.

Officers, I 'ate 'em. I'll give you a
wet shirt. Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!

Halt! Hold that.

You all right?

Stand at... ease!

Platoon... Wait for it, wait for it.

Platoon!

'Ten... shun!

You're a bit behind, aren't you?
You glamorous knight.

Now, when you stand to attention, stand up
straight, chins in, chests out, stomachs in.

Excuse me. Would you mind repeating that?

Slope... arms!

Oh, give it here! Now, watch me!

When I've done it, do exactly as I do!
Understand?

Slope... arms!

One, two, three! One, two, three! One.

Right!

Slope... arms!

One, two, three! One, two, three! One!

- Right!
- Agh!

- Jonesy, seen anything of the enemy?
- Not as yet, Mr Wilson.

In that case, before we do anything more,
we'd better send out a scout.

- We don't want to run into an ambush.
- Yes, I... I'd like to volunteer for that.

- I'd like to be your scout. Let me be your scout.
- All right. Very well, then.

If you wouldn't mind, I'd like you to run over
there to that little... that humpty thing.

Have a good look at it and if you
can't see the Eastgate Platoon...

Excuse me, Sergeant.
It's the Southgate Platoon, not Eastgate.

It doesn't matter what it is. If it's all
clear, just give us the signal, will you?

- And we'll come on.
- Very well, Mr Wilson.

I will go running up there,
and I will go to the humpty.

If there are no enemy
present, I will signal you,

and you'll come along on.

All right, Jonesy. You do that.

- Right.
- Right, off you go.

- I don't think you should have sent him.
- He gets so keyed up. I couldn't stop him.

- Mr Mainwaring wouldn't have done that.
- Oh, Lord.

It's all clear, Mr Wilson. Look.

- Why is Jonesy signalling with his trousers?
- Oh, Lord. He always overdoes everything.

All right, come on. Let's go and join him.
Come on, Godfrey.

Can you manage?

One, two... There we go.

♪ Street lamps aglow... ♪

A terrible disgrace,
letting ourselves be wiped out like that.

I tell you, there'll be no platoon for the new
officer to take charge of. It's falling apart.

- Ye hear that, Jonesy? Hear that?
- I heard it. The platoon's at rock bottom.

If only we had Mr Mainwaring back
as our officer.

Joe, what about it?

It's no good looking at me, mate.

This time, I'm stumped.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Well, why shouldn't I have one?

♪ Sound the last all clear... ♪

Dear sir. Permission to write?

As an old soldier of 30 years' service

and a member of the Royal
Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes,

may I put in a good word
for our late captain?

His reduction in rank has had a
shattering effect on our morals...

Dear sir.
As the youngest member of the platoon,

I would like to say what a fine soldier,
officer and gentleman Mr Mainwaring is.

Are.

Was.

My mum says...

Dear sir. May I most humbly
and respectfully beg to place before you

the following facts
for consideration at your convenience?

To whom it may concern.
Mr Mainwaring has always carried out...

Dear sir. If you ask yours truly,

this caper of slashing Captain Mainwaring
down to size is not much bottle.

Fair dos is what I says. Hoping this finds
you as it leaves me. J Walker, Esquire.

P.S. If a couple of bottles of Scotch
would tip the balance, you're on.

Here, Jock. Aren't you
going to write a letter?

I'll do it when I get home.

I'm not illiterate, you know. I'm perfectly
capable of writing a letter all by masel'.

Dear sirs. Now that the post of
commanding officer for the platoon is vacant,

I'd like you to consider a certain private who
served with distinction during the last conflict.

Unfortunately, some understandable jealousy
has caused him to be ignored in the past

whenever promotion was due.

In spite of all this, I feel I must speak
out and reveal his name, which is...

Private Frazer.

Signed: a well-wisher.

♪ Who am I to think that this... ♪

After receiving these
letters from the platoon,

GHQ felt duty-bound
to grant Mr Mainwaring his commission.

The three platoons, Southgate, Eastgate
and Walmington-on-Sea, will form a company,

with Mr Mainwaring as second in command,
his rank of captain confirmed.

- Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
- Oi, oi, oi, oi!

No need to overdo it, you know.

- Good news, eh, Sergeant?
- Awfully good, sir.

The letters were unanimous
in their praise for Captain Mainwaring.

Or perhaps I should say
"practically unanimous".

- Congratulations, Captain Mainwaring.
- Thank you very much, sir.

- And thank you, men, for your trust.
- Aye, sir, ye have that.

I assure you that I shall lead you to the best
of my ability as long as my country needs me.

- Great news for all of us.
- Right, dismissed.

- Good luck to you, sir.
- Thank you, Corporal.

- Welcome home, Captain Mainwaring.
- Any time you need something, tip me the wink.

- Ever so pleased, sir. And me mum.
- Thank you.

Dinnae forget, sir, if ever you're minded tae
make up a lance corporal, I'm willing...

no, I'll be proud tae serve under ye.

I'll bear that in mind, Frazer.

A nasty business, but all's
well that ends well.

Yes. I must say, it did
have its funny side, sir.

When I got home, I laughed and laughed.

Did you?

To think that all the time
that you were running things...

...you had absolutely
no authority over us at all.

No, I know. None whatever, had I?

Hadn't even got the authority
to promote you to sergeant, had I?

Still, I'm sure everything
will sort itself out eventually.

In the meantime,
perhaps you'd care to borrow my pen-knife.