Dad's Army (1968–1977): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Bullet Is Not for Firing - full transcript

- What's that? What's that noise?
- It's the ''all clear'', sir.

Is it? What sort of time is it, then?

It's about six o'clock, sir.

1800 hours?

No, no, no, sir, no. That's the night, night.

- Isn't it night?
- No, it's the morning now.

- Is it?
- Yes.

- Why haven't you taken the blackouts down?
- Sorry, sir. So sorry. I beg your pardon.

Did you, er... Did you manage to drop off, sir?

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, really?

I thought you did. Your eyes were closed.



I was just resting them, Wilson. That's all.
I wasn't asleep. Far from it.

I see. With your responsibility, sir,
I wouldn't blame you for taking forty winks.

I did not take forty winks, Wilson.

I'm sure you were a hundred per cent alert
all the time, even though you were snoring.

Perhaps you'd better go
and put the kettle on, Sergeant.

Right, sir, right.

They'll be ready for a hot drink
after being out all night.

I really think it's absurd the way they stand us to
when anybody ever sees a parachute.

I mean to say...
Who's to say it isn't one of OUR planes?

That's hardly likely, is it?
We literally shoot down hundreds of theirs.

But you very rarely read
about any of ours being shot down.

No, sir, but common sense must tell you
that it happens sometimes.

I don't want any of that sort of talk here, Wilson.

Some of those Nazi planes
were obviously stricken.



One was even touching the rooftops,
the one loosing off his machine gun.

I think he must have hit the gasworks, sir.

- You haven't lit it.
- What? Oh.

Here they come. Better put our hats on.

- Mustn't see us improperly dressed.
- No, sir, of course not.

(JONES) Left...left...left. Left, right, left.

Right wheel!

Right wheel!

Left, left... Squad, mark time!

Come on, come on, put some guts into it.
Come along, Godfrey! Pick 'em up, pick 'em up!

I'm afraid they won't go any higher.

Squad, halt!

Right...turn!

As you were, as you were.

Left...turn!

I'm sorry, sir. Got into a bit of a muddle.

- Yes. Carry on, Corporal.
- Right, sir.

Squad, order arms!

As you were, as you were.
Come on, come on, boys.

I know we've been on patrol all night,

but when I say, ''Order arms,'' I want you
to snap to it like one man. Try again.

Order...arms!

Stand at ease! That's better.

That's better, sir.
We don't want the men to get slack, sir.

That's the worst thing
you can do to a bunch of men.

Yes, thank you, Corporal.
Just hand in your ammunition.

- I'm afraid we ain't got none, sir.
- Ain't got none? Why not?

Well, sir, I'm afraid
we engaged enemy aircraft with rapid fire.

You did what?

It was so low, you could almost touch it.
Jonesy was fixing his bayonet.

- Are you sure it was one of theirs?
- Yes, I saw it. It was definitely a Heinkel, Uncle.

Yeah, he loosed off his machine gun
at Marks and Spencer's.

A Jewish firm, you know.

- I never knew that.
- Yeah.

So we let him have it right up
and I have to report, sir, he did not like it, sir.

They don't like it,
and he weaved from side to side

and he disappeared with smoke coming
from his engine nascel.

Really? You think you shot him down?

It was either us or those two Spitfires on his tail.

This is a very serious matter.
We've only got five rounds each.

If the enemy strikes tonight,
we'll have to stay indoors.

No, no, sir, we've still got our bayonets.

And I've still got my rounds, sir.

By the time I undid the buttons on my overcoat -
they were in the inside pocket of my cardigan -

by that time, the plane was out of sight, sir.

One really doesn't know whether
to be pleased or sorry about that, sir.

They're awfully small, those buttonholes.
What can be done about them?

I know a geezer who'll fix that,
charge you a bob each.

That's very reasonable for new buttonholes.

No, he files down the buttons.

That'll do, Walker.
We'll have to report this to HQ, Wilson.

Meantime, look after the rifles. Kettle's boiling.

That's good news. I'm dying for a cup of tea.

That comes later. We deal with the weapons
first. Pull them through and boil them out.

Hey, hey, hey, just a minute.
We're all gasping! We were on guard all night!

Yes, we've all been on our toes all night,
Frazer. Haven't we, Sergeant?

In a manner of speaking, yes, we have.

We're a fighting unit and our first thought must
be for our weapons. They get the first water.

Right, get them pulled out and boiled through.

- Oh, that's a bit strong, innit?
- Carry on, Sergeant.

All right, men, just fall out, you chaps,
and just do as you're told.

- I don't know what HQ will say.
- Do we have to tell them?

Yes! Or we won't get any more ammunition.
It's like gold.

Excuse me, sir. About the ammunition,
I think I can get it for you under the counter.

- No, no.
- How much would it cost?

- A bob a round.
- I wouldn't allow it.

- Where would you get it?
- Irish battalion at Galshead.

Surely they don't sell ammunition!

Get up at that boozer on a Saturday night
and they'd sell you the Pope!

Go and boil your rifle!

- Sorry I spoke.
- Go on, get out!

Excuse me, sir,
if it's money that you're worried about,

perhaps we could organise a whip-round.

I won't hear of it. It's dishonest. My duty is
to report this to HQ and that's what I'll do.

It's a bit strong.
We might have had a cup of char first.

It's not as if we was regular soldiers.

They can kip after being on parade all night.
We've got a day's work to do.

You don't call what you do a day's work?

Oi, 'ere, wait a minute.

That whisky you get every week
don't fall off a lorry on its own accord.

It has to be pushed.

It's very hard for people like me
that have to work with their brains all day.

Your brain? What are you talking about?

You just give a couple of wallops with your
chopper and keep your fingers out the way!

- Right, that's done.
- What did they say, sir?

A sergeant clerk's taken the details.

- Will we get the ammunition?
- They'll do their best.

Perhaps we could persuade Walker
to sort of hire it.

- How do you mean?
- He could get it on sale or return.

What we don't need, we could send back.

This is a war, Wilson, not a Rotary Club dance!

I'll see how the men are.
They seemed a bit truculent.

- They're tired and thirsty.
- I'll boost their morale.

I wouldn't do that if I were you, sir.

Sometimes, Wilson, I don't think
you have the stomach for this job.

There you have the advantage of me, sir.

Right, how are you getting on, men?
Everything all right? Barrels all bright and shiny?

- Oh!
- Having a little trouble there, Corporal?

No, no, sir. It's just got a bit stuck. That's all, sir.

- Let me have a try.
- All right, sir.

My right arm's not as strong
as it was of yesteryear.

I'm not getting the joints to chop.
Gone a bit weedy, you see, sir.

Just notice this, will you?

You get a lot better purchase on it if you wrap
the pull-through round your hand like this.

Then you give it a good sharp tug and...

Oh!

- What have you got on the other end of this?
- I think there's every probability it's knotted.

Yes. Well, we'll just have
to try some other method.

I remember a little wrinkle I picked up
in the last conflict. Now watch this.

If you tie it to an immoveable object like this...

- Like Roy Rogers ties his horse.
- Trigger.

Like that, you see.

Now...

All we want is a sharp jerk.

I just polished that!

All right, Verger, I'm very sorry.
We'll get it repaired for you.

The vicar's going to play merry hell about this!

Don't worry. I'll talk to the vicar personally.

He still hasn't got over you doing
bayonet practice during evensong.

Bloodcurdling it was,
right in the middle of his responses!

Right, now let's tie it to something
a bit more substantial, shall we?

Ah, now, this post will do. That's it.

If you pull that down,
you'll pull the whole hall down.

- Hardly likely to come down, is it?
- I hope not.

Now watch the officer, watch the officer!

- Do you think this is wise, sir?
- Oh, please, Sergeant!

Right, now here we go.

Oh.

Yes, that seems to have posed
rather a problem, doesn't it?

- I'm well aware of that!
- Maybe there's an armourer at Area Command.

He's not taking this anywhere near
Area Command. He'd look a right fool!

Make the barrel red-hot, burn the string out.

This is a precision instrument, Pike!

Sir, there's millions of red ants
in one of my window boxes.

If we put some honey in the rifle and then
the ants, they might eat it away, given time.

Yes... I'm afraid we haven't got
that much time, Godfrey.

Try two teaspoons of Harpic.
That shifts most things.

Get me a... Get me a stair rod, will you?

'Ere, 'ere! That's parish property, you know!

- Here you are, sir.
- Vandals!

Ram it down the barrel.

Now give it a tap or two, Frazer.

Oh, yes, yes.
That's much better, Frazer. Much better.

Well, there you are, Corporal.

We've made a start.

- Where's my Frank?
- Here, Mum!

Where have you been? I've been worried sick!

- I've been shooting at aeroplanes.
- Have you washed your face?

No, I've only just got back!

You'll come straight home
and I'll give it a good go with the flannel.

- I've got to boil my rifle out.
- I'll soon see about that.

My Frank's coming straight home with me.

It's a disgrace you keeping him out all night
with a dirty face!

Look, Mrs Pike, you must stop barging in here
and interfering with my running of the platoon.

Then you should run it better.
Look at his hands!

- Frank, show Mr Mainwaring your hands.
- No, Mum.

Show Mr Mainwaring your hands, Frank!

Ah, ah!

Look at that! Do you go about
with your hands like that, Mr Mainwaring?

That's nothing at all to do with it!

And what are you doing with that?

- Don't concern yourself over that. It's jammed.
- Oh, come here with it.

Well, no wonder it's jammed.
You've got a bit of string stuck in it!

- Come along, Frank.
- Very good. Well done, Mavis.

Found another one, Mr Jones.

So have I. That makes seven.

Good. We want as many empty cartridge cases
as possible, so as we can replace 'em.

- Come on, Joe. Give us a hand.
- I picked up my five as I fired 'em.

- Why didn't you hand them in?
- I couldn't very well, could I?

Want a light?

Ah, good, Wilson. Very good.
And well worthwhile.

Yes, sir. I've had a word with the lads
and we'd be happy to buy the stuff from Walker.

I've already told you I will not be a party
to any such thing. In any case, it's too late.

- Put those cases away as evidence.
- Evidence?

- Yes, at the Court of Inquiry.
- The what?

Area has ordered us to hold a Court of Inquiry
into the disappearance of the ammunition.

Oh, dear. Oh, Lord.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear! Oh, dear.

What on earth's the matter with you?

Nothing, sir. Except for a few paltry shillings,
we might have been able to hush all this up.

My motto is and always has been
''honesty is the best policy''.

Pringle, it isn't like the General to convene
a Court of Inquiry about a little thing like this.

He didn't want it.
It's this pompous fellow Mainwaring.

We asked why they needed more ammo

and he went all regimental,
saying he couldn't cover it up.

It's a damn nuisance. I've got two tickets
to that Leslie Henson show tonight.

- I'm taking a Wren.
- Commissioned?

Not really. She's a midshipwoman.

- Trust the navy to think that one up!
- We'll cut it short?

Oh, you bet! I'm having
a five-shilling austerity dinner at the Ritz.

I'm taking a FANY.

- Commissioned?
- I don't know. They all look alike to me.

What shall we do with this, Uncle Arthur?

Frank, I really don't know. Just put it anywhere.

It'd look nice across the door,
only you couldn't get in.

'Ere, perhaps Captain Mainwaring
could drape it around himself like Britannia!

I don't think that's very funny, Walker.

- Put it over the table.
- Sir.

We've got two officers coming
from Area Command. Let's do things properly.

I can get you
half a dozen Coronation beer mugs.

They've got a picture of King George VI
on the front. Six bob apiece.

This is a Court of Inquiry, Walker.
I don't think there'll be any time for swilling beer.

Lance Corporal Jones reporting for duty, sir.

Yes, Corp...

- What in heaven's name is that?
- Full-dress uniform, sir.

Lord Kitchener always enjoyed a man wearing
full-dress uniform when anyone was on a fizzer.

This red coat's been worn by the British Army
for over 200 years, sir.

Trouble is, the red showed up a bit and a lot
of men got shot. And they didn't like that, sir.

No. One hot day in India
when the air was all fetid and it was all dusty,

some of the men put a lot of dust all over them
and they found they didn't get shot.

And they liked that. That's where
the expression comes from, ''khaki''.

That's an old Urdu expression for ''dust''.
Urdu for ''dust'' that is, sir.

Then there's one for ''not so dusty''...

All right, all right, all right!

- I brought you my sword, sir.
- What's that for?

- In the navy it went in front of the senior officer.
- Do we really need that, Frazer?

We shouldn't be having this palaver at all,
but let's do it right.

Frazer's right, sir. We always had
a lot of swords on the table in the Sudan.

We always gave the fuzzy-wuzzies
a fair trial before we shot 'em.

It has to be pointing at the man if he's guilty.

That would be a little difficult, Frazer.

I've been using it to make toast, sir.

Yes, thank you, Frazer. It's a kind thought,
but I think we'll hold that in reserve if we may.

Now, pay attention, men!

Some of you may think I've let you down
by bringing in Area Command over this.

But consider this. If we're to defend our homes
and loved ones, we've got to have ammunition.

Now, I know the way the army mind works.

And believe me,
this is the only way that we're going to get it.

Sir, this has just come from Area HQ.
I think it's the ammunition.

Yes, later, Pike. Now, when...

Ah. They must have been very impressed by
the correct way in which we tackled this problem.

- Right, dish it out, Sergeant.
- All right, sir. Come on, Pike.

Sir, there are two officers from HQ outside.
Very pleasant gentlemen, quite young.

- Really? Sergeant!
- Yes, sir?

- Fall the witnesses in outside!
- All right.

- Show them in, Godfrey, please.
- Yes, sir.

Captain Mainwaring, the verger tells me
that it was you that pulled my banister down.

- Wanton vandalism, it was.
- Thank you, Mr Yeatman.

I told the verger
we will be responsible for the repair.

It is a pity that you can't show
more consideration for our property.

There does happen to be a war on, Vicar.

- Step this way, gentlemen.
- Good afternoon. Everything's ready for you.

Most of the damage is being done by the ones
who are supposed to be on our side.

- That'll do.
- You've always been a troublemaker!

All right, Corporal, don't bring that up!

Why do you take the collection home
to count it?

Why don't you count it in the church?

Corporal Jones, that'll do.
Go outside and look after the men.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

Gentlemen, I won't be a moment.
Vicar, I've got to hold a Court of Inquiry in here.

And I have a meeting in my office
if I can see it through all the maps and guns.

We'd better discuss this later.

Vandals!

Why DO you always take the collection home?

I'm sorry about that.
Bit of trouble with the civil power.

- Mainwaring.
- Pringle.

- Cutts.
- Yes, Captain Cutts.

- We're keen to bash on. May we start?
- Of course.

- We both have pretty urgent affairs to attend to.
- Right.

If you sit down, gentlemen,
we'll start right away.

- Sir, I've seen to the men outside, sir.
- Right, thank you.

- Stand by to show in the witnesses.
- Very good, sir.

- Sergeant Wilson will take the evidence.
- We've got a nice day for it, haven't we?

(CLICKS HEELS)

I'll just read the order convening the court.

''The Court of Inquiry will assemble
at St Aldhelm's Church Hall

''at 1730 hours on Monday the 12th of May

''to enquire into the loss
of 75 rounds of .300 ammunition

''by Number 1 Platoon, B Company,
Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard...''

I wonder if you'd mind?
We're holding a Court of Inquiry here.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Has the vicar's meeting been cancelled?

No, Mr Blewitt. He's through in the office there.

Oh, I thought it was funny
if he cancelled it without letting me know.

- Do you mind if I go through?
- No, carry on. Sergeant, give him a hand.

It's nice to see you up and about again,
Mr Blewitt.

- I'm very much better now.
- We've missed seeing you in the bank.

Well, I have been 16 months
with my leg up, you know.

- How awful!
- May we carry on?

Yes, of course. As quick as you can, Sergeant.

- Mr Blewitt can't dash about at his time of life.
- I'll be younger than you are!

- Shall we continue?
- Yes.

- ''The Court of Inquiry...''
- Shall we take that as read?

- Very well.
- Can we call the first witness?

- Permission to speak, sir!
- Oh!

- Yes, Corporal?
- I'd like to volunteer to call the first witness, sir.

- Call Private Walker.
- Very good, sir. Call Private Walker!

Call Private Walker! Call Private Walker!

- I've called Private Walker, sir.
- Right, thank you.

Now look here, Wa...

- Is this the vicar's meeting?
- No, it's through that door.

- Oh, funny he didn't tell me he'd cancelled it!
- Come on.

I'll show you the way, don't worry.
Come on, darling.

- Will this happen throughout the proceedings?
- No, I'll post a man on the door.

Sergeant!

Wilson! What are you doing?

- Sorry, sir. I've mislaid my pencil.
- For heaven's sake! Use this one.

- See that nobody else comes in, Corporal.
- Very good, sir. See no one else comes in!

Walker, this is a Court of Inquiry
about the loss of this ammunition.

- I've seen no one else comes in, sir.
- Yes, all right.

- Start giving your evidence.
- Name?

- Jones.
- Not you!

- Stand over there.
- Very good, sir.

- Name?
- (JONES CLICKS HEELS)

Joe Walker, sir.
Wholesale supplier, also Private, sir.

- What happened?
- Shouldn't this man be on oath?

He doesn't have to be,
but if you want it that way, you can swear him.

My experience has always been that if you do
things the right way, there's no comeback.

Hand me the Bible, Wilson.

- I haven't got a Bible, sir.
- I told you to provide one.

You didn't tell me to provide a Bible at all.

I distinctly remember ordering it...
when we decided to get more milk.

Hey, I know where I can lay me hands on one.
A quid.

It's got gold lettering, the authorised version.

Get the one out of the church.

For some extraordinary reason, it's chained up.

Why don't we nip in there, swear,
nip back here and chat?

- Permission to speak, sir?
- Yes.

There's a book in the office written by
a Mr Baden-Powell, a highly religious man, sir.

Wears a Boy Scout hat, sir.
We could swear on that.

- Swear on a Boy Scout's hat?
- No, no, sir.

He wrote a book called ''Scouting for Boys''.

- Don't be ridiculous.
- We don't need an oath. Shall we just get on?

I suppose perhaps we should.

Listen, if you play it my way, I can get you
75 rounds of ammunition by tonight. 50 bob.

Stand to attention! Get on with your evidence.

Yeah, we were swanning around
the waterworks, minding our own business,

when suddenly this Heinkel comes out the sky,

so I turns to Jonesy and I says...
That's the Corporal...

- Just a minute!
- What's the matter?

- I've only got as far as ''swanning around''.
- I got the gist of it. Carry on.

Anyway, this dirty great Heinkel comes
out the sky and I says, ''Look at that Heinkel!''

He says, ''I can't see it.'' His eyes are a bit
on the blink. He's over 70 and he's a bit deaf.

Oi! I heard that!

- Corporal! Kindly leave the room.
- Certainly, sir.

- Shall we just keep to the point?
- Yes. Now, look...

I've kindly left the room, sir!

Get to the shooting as quickly as you can.

We shot at it.

- We'll need a teeny-weeny bit more detail.
- I was giving him more detail...

Let's get back
to where you started to load the rifles.

Who gave the order to fire?

Jonesy, sir. Lance Corporal Jones.

Put that down. ''Jones gave the order to fire.''
We're getting somewhere now.

♪ O be joyful in the Lord... ♪

- What in heaven's name is that?
- Leave this to me. I'll deal with this.

♪ ..and come before his presence... ♪

Excuse me! Excuse me!

- Vicar! Excuse me!
- What's the matter?

I've got a Court of Inquiry in there.
We can't have all this.

- I beg your pardon, this is the church's hall.
- It's been requisitioned.

- This room is church property.
- Even so, we cannot have all this noise.

If you can do your bloodcurdling
bayonet practice in the middle of my responses,

I can do my Jubilate
in the middle of your inquiry!

Now, look, Vicar,
you and I are standing shoulder to shoulder...

..facing a common enemy.

- Surely we can co-operate.
- Very well, we'll do something quiet.

''Nunc Dimittis. Lord, now lettest thou
thy servant depart in peace.''

Nothing personal, Mr Mainwaring.

Page 29 in the prayer book.

- I don't think there'll be any more interruptions.
- (LOUD CRASH AND RUMBLING)

They've come back.
Wilson, stand the men to! Man the sandbags!

Get the stretcher parties ready!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

All right, take cover, Vicar.
Everybody to the shelter!

It was only thunder, sir. It wasn't a bomb.

- Really?
- Yes. Your journey wasn't really necessary, sir.

I'm terribly sorry, gentlemen. Carry on, please.

Corporal, get these men out of here!

We're not stopping out there.
We're getting soaked to the skin!

Couldn't we parade with umbrellas?
I've got a spare one if anybody needs it.

If I get wet again,
my mum will play merry hell! She really will!

Shall we adjourn for half an hour?

- Great Scott, no!
- We should continue.

We can't have all the witnesses
listening to one another.

Corporal Jones and the platoon
could demonstrate what took place.

- What a wizard idea!
- Very well. Show us exactly what happened.

When I saw the plane, I remembered
what you said about engaging enemy aircraft,

and what you said about putting khaki
handkerchiefs on your face for camouflage.

- Yes, that's right.
- We didn't have any time for all that rubbish.

And we scattered, didn't we, boys?

- (ALL) We scattered!
- Yes, we did. I was just gonna give the order...

- (CHOIR SINGING)
- I was just gonna give the order...

- I was just gonna...
- What's the matter, Corporal?

I think I'm going, sir.

- I hear angels' voices.
- Those aren't angels. It's the choir in the office!

Well, if that's what it's like to go, I like it, I like it.

Excuse me, sir. Have I got to take all this down?

Oh, for God's sake, no! What happened next?

- We remembered what YOU taught us, sir.
- That's right.

''Cock!'' I said. Come on, boys, show 'em.
''Enemy plane,'' I said, just like you said, sir.

''Swing with the plane, boys.
Swing with the plane. Aim just in front.''

- Then I gave the order to shoot.
- Not shoot, fire!

(ALL FIRE)

Vandals!

Same time, same place next week, gentleman?