Dad's Army (1968–1977): Season 3, Episode 2 - Battle School - full transcript
The Platoon spend the weekend at a training facility, where they are challenged to capture an officer.
Blimey! How many more times?
Really, it is too bad, this train!
When are we due at the camp?
- 1600 hours, sir.
- What?
- Four o'clock.
- Oh, yes. Four o'clock.
Four hours to do an hour's journey? I should
have brought something to eat. I'm starving!
- I hope we get there soon.
- Why?
Well, it's awfully awkward,
this not being a corridor train.
I find it very difficult indeed.
You'll just have to control yourself, Godfrey.
There's a war on, you know.
We're on active service.
I've got an idea, Mr Godfrey. Why don't you
recite a poem? That'll take your mind off it.
All right.
"The owl and the pussycat went to sea
"In a beautiful...pea-green boat
They took some, uh...
"Honey and plenty of money...
"Plenty of money
wrapped up in a five-pound note..."
(TRAIN SCREECHES AND JOLTS)
- "The owl looked up at the moon above..."
- Oh, get up!
Excuse me, sir. Now that we've stopped,
perhaps Godfrey could, erm, nip outside.
Very good idea. Nip outside, Godfrey.
- Be careful.
- It's an awful long way down.
- Oh, get on with it!
- Come on, Mr Godfrey.
Could anyone please shut the door?
Yes, all right. All right, Godfrey, all right.
Now make haste!
Well, now, spring would appear
to be a little late this year.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm just trying to be nonchalant.
- Why?
- Well, we don't want to put Godfrey off.
Rubbish! We're a fighting force.
Godfrey will have to learn to rough it.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Get him in! Get him in! Quick!
- Mr Godfrey!
- Come on, Mr Godfrey!
- Come on!
- Come on, Mr Godfrey!
- That's it.
- Come on, come on.
Sit down.
Careful!
All right... Are you all right, Mr Godfrey?
No, I'm afraid not.
"The...owl and the pussycat went to sea
in a beautiful pea-green boat
"They took with them honey..."
Corporal! Fall the men in!
Right, sir. Right, fall in, you blokes!
- I hope this is the place. Looks a bit deserted.
- The guard told us to get off here.
Well, how do we know he WAS the guard?
He was wearing railway uniform.
That means nothing. That could be a trap.
We must always be on our guard.
Yes, but our guard got back on the train, sir.
- Are you trying to be funny?
- No, sir.
Obviously, you're a little bit on edge.
After all, you haven't had any lunch, have you?
I think I'll open these sealed orders.
"Sealed instructions for opening sealed orders."
"Break the seal on the sealed orders and then
destroy these instructions." Set light to those.
- Right, we shan't be long.
- Have you got a match? Sorry to bother you.
Thank you.
Ah, yes.
Just as I thought, perfectly straightforward.
- We are here.
- Yes.
At "X" railway halt, map reference...
(MUTTERS)
There's that hill.
- Oh, yes.
- And here's the battle school.
Map reference, 21A...
Well, it's only a mile away.
We'll be there by teatime.
- Thank goodness!
- Platoon ready, sir.
- Thank you, Corporal.
- Sir.
- Where's Godfrey?
- He's, uh... He won't be a minute, sir.
He'll just have to catch us up.
Now pay attention, men.
As I know the way,
obviously, I shall be well in front.
- Wilson, you bring up the rear.
- All right, sir.
Attention!
Slope...arms!
Right turn!
By the left, quick march!
♪ For the girl who loves a soldier
Is the girl who adores... ♪
Right wheel...forward!
♪ She loves to see a soldier
♪ Play his part in the grand cavalcade
♪ For the girl who loves a soldier
♪ Is in love with the right kind of man... ♪
(PLATOON WHISTLE
"DAD'S ARMY THEME")
Mark time!
Right wheel, forward!
(STILL WHISTLING)
Mark time!
Left wheel, forward!
(STILL WHISTLING)
Mark time!
Left wheel, forward!
Platoon...halt!
- I thought you said we'd be there by teatime.
- Enough sarcasm! I took the wrong turning.
Platoon...about turn!
Quick march!
Left...left!
(INAUDIBLE)
Right wheel...forward!
Ah!
Aaagh! Aaagh! Aaagh!
(THEY WHISTLE "DAD'S ARMY THEME")
- (GUNFIRE)
- Run! It's an ambush!
(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)
All right! Don't panic! Don't panic!
Where are they? I'll get 'em! I'll get 'em!
Where are they? Don't panic! Don't panic!
- Where is he? Where's Captain Mainwaring?
- Look!
♪ For the girl who loves a soldier
♪ Is the girl who adores a parade... ♪
Aye, here's another one, boys! It's empty.
Cor blimey, what a dump!
Did you see this place as we marched in?
It's like... It looks like a prison camp!
- You reckon the Red Cross send food parcels?
- Look at the time, 11 o'clock!
Four hours on our way here from the station
and it's only a mile away!
I don't think Mr Mainwaring knew
which was the way any of the time.
It's a disgrace, leading us into an ambush
and then losing his way!
Yon fella shouldn't be in charge o' men!
He's no' fit!
Well, men, we got here.
Aye, we did.
Better late than never, eh, sir?
Do you think that this course
includes map-reading this weekend?
Walker, please!
Good evening, Captain Mainwaring.
Got here at last, then?
Too late for the evening meal, I'm afraid.
Supper finished four hours ago.
- Fall the men in, Sergeant.
- Fall in! Three ranks! Quick as you can!
No, it's all right, at ease. You can all relax.
We don't go in for a lot of formalities here.
As you chaps know,
this is a special Home Guard Battle School.
We just have this weekend to initiate you
into the intricacies of guerrilla warfare.
The man who's going to be in charge of you
for these two days is Captain Rodrigues.
Yes, he's, erm, very expert in guerrilla tactics.
He fought in Spain in the Civil War, you know.
Well, as we know, it's a very dirty business.
He looks as if he hasn't had a wash since.
My job here is to keep a parental eye on you all,
see you don't get knocked about too much.
Thank you very much, sir.
Some of us aren't as young as we were,
are we?
- Permission to speak, sir!
- Certainly.
Don't worry about us senior soldiers.
You can do what you like to us.
We can take it and we can dish it out.
We're very good with the old cold steel, sir.
They don't like it up 'em, sir.
They do not like it up 'em, sir. They do not...
All right, all right, Jones, all right!
Yes, that's the spirit. I'll leave you in the capable
hands of Captain Rodrigues here. Carry on.
Platoon, atten'shun!
What? Oh.
Oh, jolly good.
- Platoon, stand at...
- You can cut all that business out!
We do not do any of that arm-waving
and "shunning" round here.
All we do is to teach you how to kill Nazis.
That is all I am interested in - killing!
Is that clear?
Perfectly clear. Clear to you, Sergeant?
- Yes, it is, sir. Crystal clear.
- Good. Now, are there any questions?
- No. Have you got any questions?
- What about the food situation?
Yes. When do we get a meal?
- The canteen is closed four hours ago.
- (MEN COMPLAIN)
Never mind. I always think of my men.
Here! Some carrots and onions.
Carrots and onions?
- You'd eat that if you were living off the land.
- Onions?
What is wrong with onions? I always eat them.
I'd never have guessed (!)
Eat them while you can. They're getting scarce.
You've got your food. You, old man!
- Yes, sir?
- You see that pile of straw over there?
- Yes, sir.
- With it, you stuff your palliasse.
I beg your pardon?
Put it in your palliasse!
He's a bit continental, isn't he?
Right, Capitan, you have a palliasse to lie on,
a blanket each to cover you,
some carrots and onions to eat.
- What more could you want?
- Absolutely nothing, I should think.
You'd all better get some sleep.
In this place, we start early in the morning.
I've never seen anything like it in my life.
That brigand is a captain in the British Army!
- More like an anarchist!
- Thank goodness he's on our side, sir!
We've got a strenuous weekend ahead of us,
so when I give the command to fall out,
fill your palliasses with straw, all right?
There you are.
Fall out!
Here, here! What a shambles!
Straw? Just lie on it and one blanket each?
We'll freeze to death!
Uncle Arthur, I was so looking forward
to this weekend and it turns out like this!
- It's rotten! That's what it is!
- There's no need to blub about it all!
I'm not blubbing. It's this straw.
It's brought on me hay fever again!
I ought not to eat raw carrots and onions.
It'll give me dreadful indigestion.
Don't you worry, Mr Godfrey.
I've got the old bicarb here. You'll be all right.
I'd better dish out these carrots and onions.
- There you are.
- Thank you, sir.
I know that we've only got one blanket each,
so as usual, we shall have to improvise.
I know how we can keep warm, sir.
I've got a good idea.
Why don't we all huddle together?
When the nights was cold in the Sudan,
we used to do a lot of that.
We used to do a lot of huddling out there, sir.
I'm not too sure about that, Corporal.
It might be bad for discipline.
Still, we could stretch a point.
I'm very particular
who I huddle up together with.
I'm sure we all are, Frazer. We'll all feel
a lot better after a good night's sleep.
- There you are, sir. Here's your palliasse.
- Thank you very much.
Here we are.
Thank you very much, Godfrey.
♪ The day is ended, little drummer boy
♪ "Lights out" was sounded long ago
♪ So close your eyes, my little drummer boy
♪ And dream of the one... ♪
- Uncle Arthur!
- What is it?
I've finished my carrot and I'm still hungry.
You can have the rest of this.
I seem to have grown rather tired of it.
- Uncle Arthur?
- What is it, Frank?
- I'm ever so cold.
- What?
Can I cuddle up to you?
Frankly, I'd rather you didn't.
I shall tell Mum.
All right, then. But not too close.
- Mr Mainwaring!
- Yes, what...?
Yes, what is it?
Oh, it's you, Jones. What do you want?
- Permission to whisper, Mr Mainwaring.
- Yes, what is it?
I just want you to know I'm very sorry
everything went higgledy-piggledy for you today.
Well, thank you, Jones.
Not your fault, sir. 'Tis the fortunes of war.
You've always been a good officer to us
and you've led us through thick
and you've led us through thin, haven't you, sir?
It's a very lonely task
being in command, Corporal.
- Yes, sir.
- You have to take the rough with the smooth.
Well, I want you to know
I've still got faith in you.
- Thank you very much, Corporal.
- Even if no one else has.
- Good night, sir.
- Good night.
(WALKER) Crawler!
♪ Reveille will sound in the morning
♪ Once more on parade you will go
♪ So close your eyes, my little drummer boy... ♪
(LOUD BANG)
Where's me teeth? Who's got my teeth?
Don't panic! Don't panic!
Don't panic, anyone! Don't panic!
Oh, good morning, Captain.
My word, you gave us a start.
A bit early in the morning for that sort of thing?
It is not early. It is ten minutes to nine.
The rest of the camp have been up for two hours.
- We must have overslept!
- You certainly did. You'd better hurry up.
I want you and your men outside
ready to start training in ten minutes.
- What about breakfast?
- Breakfast is finished one hour ago.
Capitan, listen to this.
While you are here, every platoon is given
the chance to capture my headquarters.
- So far, no one has been successful.
- That'll be all right.
We'll go through 'em like a dose of salts,
won't we, sir?
This used to be a prisoner-of-war camp and
my headquarters is surrounded by two fences.
One is barbed wire, the other is electrified
and the space in between is patrolled by dogs.
- Wh-what sort of dogs?
- Alsatians.
- Oh, dear.
- And they do not get much to eat.
- Oh, dear.
- Don't worry, you've got the bicarb.
That's good for hydrophobia as well.
- Fall in outside as soon as you're dressed!
- Jonesy, come 'ere!
- I'm fed up with this. I'm starving!
- What can we do about it?
- When I get a minute, I'll try to find some grub.
- There's no shops round here!
I know, but there's a farm next to the camp.
They must have something to eat in there.
You leave it to me.
(GUNFIRE)
Move your men forward, Capitan!
All right, men! Forward!
♪ He's got a house in London,
in London, in London
♪ And there within the palace yard
The soldiers of the King stand guard
♪ Write up the music, roll out the songs
Let all the trumpets play
♪ Tell all the world we're facing the music
Here we all are and here we all stay
♪ The King is still in London,
in London, in London
♪ Like Mr Jones and Mr Brown... ♪
Aaaagh!
Do not forget to keep your heads down!
We are using live ammunition.
Wave the flag when you are ready!
Do you hear that, sir?
They're going to use live ammunition.
I shouldn't take too much notice of that, Wilson.
They wouldn't dare.
- Wave the flag.
- Right, sir.
(GUNFIRE)
♪ The King is still in London... ♪
(BLEATING)
♪ And he would be in London town
If London Bridge was falling down
♪ He's got a house in London,
in London, in London... ♪
Blimey, it ain't half dark in here!
Come here, you little blighters!
Come here! Cor blimey! Come here!
♪ Let all the trumpets play
♪ Tell all the world we're facing the music
Here we all are and here we all stay... ♪
(GUNFIRE)
Hurry up! Get your men
across the river, Captain! Hurry!
- It looks a bit deep to me, Mr Mainwaring.
- It's all right, Jones, we can cross here.
- Do you think that's wise, sir?
- Don't argue. I can see the bottom. Forward!
Aaagh!
Are you all right, Mr Mainwaring, sir?
(GRUNTING)
Gotcha!
(PIG SHRIEKS)
Want to buy a bacon slice, sir?
Follow me, men!
Not much further to go... Aaagh!
- Oh, dear.
- That was a nasty thing, sir.
I was just taking it across the road.
Come on, men! Follow me!
♪ The King is still in London,
in London, in London
♪ And he would be in London town
If London Bridge was falling down
♪ He's got a house in London,
in London, in London... ♪
Come on, Joe! Where have you been?
- 'Ere, cop hold of these!
- Blimey! Eggs! Where did you get 'em?
♪ The King is still in London,
in London, in London... ♪
Tea, stew, potatoes, carrots, pudding, jam.
All right, make it quick.
You've only got 15 minutes!
Hurry, hurry, hurry!
We haven't got all night.
You're like a lot of old women. Hurry!
I've told you before. The hygiene. Clean, clean!
Hurry! Hurry! Move, move!
♪ Real men are their ideal men
♪ They like them tough in military mould
♪ That's why they love a soldier
♪ A gallant soldier gives a girl a thrill
♪ She meets him, she likes him
♪ She loves him and always will
♪ For the girl who loves a soldier... ♪
I want soldiers, not Boy Scouts!
Move! Move!
Follow me, men!
Aaaagh!
♪ Plays his part in the grand cavalcade
♪ For the girl who loves a soldier
♪ Is in love with the right kind of man
♪ When he says, "Fall in, my darling"
♪ Well, she falls in his arms while she can
♪ She simply can't refuse... ♪
Mr Wilson, I'm worried about Mr Mainwaring.
Where do you think he's got to?
No idea, Jonesy. He was taking us through that
smokescreen, then he disappeared into thin air.
- All right, men, we've got work to do!
- Where have you been?
- Never mind that now.
- What are we gonna do, sir?
We're going to capture the camp headquarters.
We can't. It's surrounded
by an enormous barbed wire fence.
Secondary to that, it's electrified as well!
- And those dreadful dogs.
- How will we get through that lot?
Don't worry about that. Just leave everything
to me. I've never let you down yet, have I?
♪ Fools rush in where angels fear to tread
♪ And so I come to you, my love... ♪
Oh, sorry.
♪ How I see the danger there... ♪
- Come on, Corporal.
- Yes, sir.
(WHISPERS) Quick as you can. Quickly!
Here! Here, look at all this stuff!
Corned beef, Spam, sugar, tea.
It's a blooming treasure house!
Must be the stores. Don't make a noise.
(RODRIGUES) What a bunch that platoon
from Walmington-on-Sea are!
I hope they never have to face the Germans!
(MAJOR) You were a bit hard
on Captain Mainwaring.
(RODRIGUES) These amateur soldiers
should go back to managing a bank!
Impudence! All right, stand by, men.
Sir, I think I ought to stay behind
and protect the rear.
Good idea, Walker. Ready?
- Do you think it's wise?
- Oh, Wilson!
Right, now!
Hands up!
♪ Pardon me, boy
Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?
♪ Yes, yes, track 29... ♪
# We'll meet again
Don't know where, don't know when
# But I know we'll meet again some sunny day
♪ Some sunny day... ♪
Well, an excellent weekend's work,
don't you think?
I do, sir. I shan't forget the look on that Spanish
fellow's face when we burst into the room.
"Amateur soldiers" indeed!
I want to congratulate you, Captain Mainwaring.
- Thank you, Frazer.
- I never doubted you for a single minute.
I've said it once and I'll say it again, sir.
You're our inspiration, Mr Mainwaring.
Excuse me, sir. Do you think that Major Smith
is going to recommend us to GHQ for being...
well, being so good?
Yes, he is. Although I would rather have seen
the platoon get a more tangible reward.
- Oi, what's "tangible" mean, Jonesy?
- It means you can get hold of it.
Right, get hold of this!
- Where did you get all that stuff from?
- Well, I was protecting the rear, wasn't I?
Here, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Two bob a time, all right?
Really, it is too bad, this train!
When are we due at the camp?
- 1600 hours, sir.
- What?
- Four o'clock.
- Oh, yes. Four o'clock.
Four hours to do an hour's journey? I should
have brought something to eat. I'm starving!
- I hope we get there soon.
- Why?
Well, it's awfully awkward,
this not being a corridor train.
I find it very difficult indeed.
You'll just have to control yourself, Godfrey.
There's a war on, you know.
We're on active service.
I've got an idea, Mr Godfrey. Why don't you
recite a poem? That'll take your mind off it.
All right.
"The owl and the pussycat went to sea
"In a beautiful...pea-green boat
They took some, uh...
"Honey and plenty of money...
"Plenty of money
wrapped up in a five-pound note..."
(TRAIN SCREECHES AND JOLTS)
- "The owl looked up at the moon above..."
- Oh, get up!
Excuse me, sir. Now that we've stopped,
perhaps Godfrey could, erm, nip outside.
Very good idea. Nip outside, Godfrey.
- Be careful.
- It's an awful long way down.
- Oh, get on with it!
- Come on, Mr Godfrey.
Could anyone please shut the door?
Yes, all right. All right, Godfrey, all right.
Now make haste!
Well, now, spring would appear
to be a little late this year.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm just trying to be nonchalant.
- Why?
- Well, we don't want to put Godfrey off.
Rubbish! We're a fighting force.
Godfrey will have to learn to rough it.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Get him in! Get him in! Quick!
- Mr Godfrey!
- Come on, Mr Godfrey!
- Come on!
- Come on, Mr Godfrey!
- That's it.
- Come on, come on.
Sit down.
Careful!
All right... Are you all right, Mr Godfrey?
No, I'm afraid not.
"The...owl and the pussycat went to sea
in a beautiful pea-green boat
"They took with them honey..."
Corporal! Fall the men in!
Right, sir. Right, fall in, you blokes!
- I hope this is the place. Looks a bit deserted.
- The guard told us to get off here.
Well, how do we know he WAS the guard?
He was wearing railway uniform.
That means nothing. That could be a trap.
We must always be on our guard.
Yes, but our guard got back on the train, sir.
- Are you trying to be funny?
- No, sir.
Obviously, you're a little bit on edge.
After all, you haven't had any lunch, have you?
I think I'll open these sealed orders.
"Sealed instructions for opening sealed orders."
"Break the seal on the sealed orders and then
destroy these instructions." Set light to those.
- Right, we shan't be long.
- Have you got a match? Sorry to bother you.
Thank you.
Ah, yes.
Just as I thought, perfectly straightforward.
- We are here.
- Yes.
At "X" railway halt, map reference...
(MUTTERS)
There's that hill.
- Oh, yes.
- And here's the battle school.
Map reference, 21A...
Well, it's only a mile away.
We'll be there by teatime.
- Thank goodness!
- Platoon ready, sir.
- Thank you, Corporal.
- Sir.
- Where's Godfrey?
- He's, uh... He won't be a minute, sir.
He'll just have to catch us up.
Now pay attention, men.
As I know the way,
obviously, I shall be well in front.
- Wilson, you bring up the rear.
- All right, sir.
Attention!
Slope...arms!
Right turn!
By the left, quick march!
♪ For the girl who loves a soldier
Is the girl who adores... ♪
Right wheel...forward!
♪ She loves to see a soldier
♪ Play his part in the grand cavalcade
♪ For the girl who loves a soldier
♪ Is in love with the right kind of man... ♪
(PLATOON WHISTLE
"DAD'S ARMY THEME")
Mark time!
Right wheel, forward!
(STILL WHISTLING)
Mark time!
Left wheel, forward!
(STILL WHISTLING)
Mark time!
Left wheel, forward!
Platoon...halt!
- I thought you said we'd be there by teatime.
- Enough sarcasm! I took the wrong turning.
Platoon...about turn!
Quick march!
Left...left!
(INAUDIBLE)
Right wheel...forward!
Ah!
Aaagh! Aaagh! Aaagh!
(THEY WHISTLE "DAD'S ARMY THEME")
- (GUNFIRE)
- Run! It's an ambush!
(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)
All right! Don't panic! Don't panic!
Where are they? I'll get 'em! I'll get 'em!
Where are they? Don't panic! Don't panic!
- Where is he? Where's Captain Mainwaring?
- Look!
♪ For the girl who loves a soldier
♪ Is the girl who adores a parade... ♪
Aye, here's another one, boys! It's empty.
Cor blimey, what a dump!
Did you see this place as we marched in?
It's like... It looks like a prison camp!
- You reckon the Red Cross send food parcels?
- Look at the time, 11 o'clock!
Four hours on our way here from the station
and it's only a mile away!
I don't think Mr Mainwaring knew
which was the way any of the time.
It's a disgrace, leading us into an ambush
and then losing his way!
Yon fella shouldn't be in charge o' men!
He's no' fit!
Well, men, we got here.
Aye, we did.
Better late than never, eh, sir?
Do you think that this course
includes map-reading this weekend?
Walker, please!
Good evening, Captain Mainwaring.
Got here at last, then?
Too late for the evening meal, I'm afraid.
Supper finished four hours ago.
- Fall the men in, Sergeant.
- Fall in! Three ranks! Quick as you can!
No, it's all right, at ease. You can all relax.
We don't go in for a lot of formalities here.
As you chaps know,
this is a special Home Guard Battle School.
We just have this weekend to initiate you
into the intricacies of guerrilla warfare.
The man who's going to be in charge of you
for these two days is Captain Rodrigues.
Yes, he's, erm, very expert in guerrilla tactics.
He fought in Spain in the Civil War, you know.
Well, as we know, it's a very dirty business.
He looks as if he hasn't had a wash since.
My job here is to keep a parental eye on you all,
see you don't get knocked about too much.
Thank you very much, sir.
Some of us aren't as young as we were,
are we?
- Permission to speak, sir!
- Certainly.
Don't worry about us senior soldiers.
You can do what you like to us.
We can take it and we can dish it out.
We're very good with the old cold steel, sir.
They don't like it up 'em, sir.
They do not like it up 'em, sir. They do not...
All right, all right, Jones, all right!
Yes, that's the spirit. I'll leave you in the capable
hands of Captain Rodrigues here. Carry on.
Platoon, atten'shun!
What? Oh.
Oh, jolly good.
- Platoon, stand at...
- You can cut all that business out!
We do not do any of that arm-waving
and "shunning" round here.
All we do is to teach you how to kill Nazis.
That is all I am interested in - killing!
Is that clear?
Perfectly clear. Clear to you, Sergeant?
- Yes, it is, sir. Crystal clear.
- Good. Now, are there any questions?
- No. Have you got any questions?
- What about the food situation?
Yes. When do we get a meal?
- The canteen is closed four hours ago.
- (MEN COMPLAIN)
Never mind. I always think of my men.
Here! Some carrots and onions.
Carrots and onions?
- You'd eat that if you were living off the land.
- Onions?
What is wrong with onions? I always eat them.
I'd never have guessed (!)
Eat them while you can. They're getting scarce.
You've got your food. You, old man!
- Yes, sir?
- You see that pile of straw over there?
- Yes, sir.
- With it, you stuff your palliasse.
I beg your pardon?
Put it in your palliasse!
He's a bit continental, isn't he?
Right, Capitan, you have a palliasse to lie on,
a blanket each to cover you,
some carrots and onions to eat.
- What more could you want?
- Absolutely nothing, I should think.
You'd all better get some sleep.
In this place, we start early in the morning.
I've never seen anything like it in my life.
That brigand is a captain in the British Army!
- More like an anarchist!
- Thank goodness he's on our side, sir!
We've got a strenuous weekend ahead of us,
so when I give the command to fall out,
fill your palliasses with straw, all right?
There you are.
Fall out!
Here, here! What a shambles!
Straw? Just lie on it and one blanket each?
We'll freeze to death!
Uncle Arthur, I was so looking forward
to this weekend and it turns out like this!
- It's rotten! That's what it is!
- There's no need to blub about it all!
I'm not blubbing. It's this straw.
It's brought on me hay fever again!
I ought not to eat raw carrots and onions.
It'll give me dreadful indigestion.
Don't you worry, Mr Godfrey.
I've got the old bicarb here. You'll be all right.
I'd better dish out these carrots and onions.
- There you are.
- Thank you, sir.
I know that we've only got one blanket each,
so as usual, we shall have to improvise.
I know how we can keep warm, sir.
I've got a good idea.
Why don't we all huddle together?
When the nights was cold in the Sudan,
we used to do a lot of that.
We used to do a lot of huddling out there, sir.
I'm not too sure about that, Corporal.
It might be bad for discipline.
Still, we could stretch a point.
I'm very particular
who I huddle up together with.
I'm sure we all are, Frazer. We'll all feel
a lot better after a good night's sleep.
- There you are, sir. Here's your palliasse.
- Thank you very much.
Here we are.
Thank you very much, Godfrey.
♪ The day is ended, little drummer boy
♪ "Lights out" was sounded long ago
♪ So close your eyes, my little drummer boy
♪ And dream of the one... ♪
- Uncle Arthur!
- What is it?
I've finished my carrot and I'm still hungry.
You can have the rest of this.
I seem to have grown rather tired of it.
- Uncle Arthur?
- What is it, Frank?
- I'm ever so cold.
- What?
Can I cuddle up to you?
Frankly, I'd rather you didn't.
I shall tell Mum.
All right, then. But not too close.
- Mr Mainwaring!
- Yes, what...?
Yes, what is it?
Oh, it's you, Jones. What do you want?
- Permission to whisper, Mr Mainwaring.
- Yes, what is it?
I just want you to know I'm very sorry
everything went higgledy-piggledy for you today.
Well, thank you, Jones.
Not your fault, sir. 'Tis the fortunes of war.
You've always been a good officer to us
and you've led us through thick
and you've led us through thin, haven't you, sir?
It's a very lonely task
being in command, Corporal.
- Yes, sir.
- You have to take the rough with the smooth.
Well, I want you to know
I've still got faith in you.
- Thank you very much, Corporal.
- Even if no one else has.
- Good night, sir.
- Good night.
(WALKER) Crawler!
♪ Reveille will sound in the morning
♪ Once more on parade you will go
♪ So close your eyes, my little drummer boy... ♪
(LOUD BANG)
Where's me teeth? Who's got my teeth?
Don't panic! Don't panic!
Don't panic, anyone! Don't panic!
Oh, good morning, Captain.
My word, you gave us a start.
A bit early in the morning for that sort of thing?
It is not early. It is ten minutes to nine.
The rest of the camp have been up for two hours.
- We must have overslept!
- You certainly did. You'd better hurry up.
I want you and your men outside
ready to start training in ten minutes.
- What about breakfast?
- Breakfast is finished one hour ago.
Capitan, listen to this.
While you are here, every platoon is given
the chance to capture my headquarters.
- So far, no one has been successful.
- That'll be all right.
We'll go through 'em like a dose of salts,
won't we, sir?
This used to be a prisoner-of-war camp and
my headquarters is surrounded by two fences.
One is barbed wire, the other is electrified
and the space in between is patrolled by dogs.
- Wh-what sort of dogs?
- Alsatians.
- Oh, dear.
- And they do not get much to eat.
- Oh, dear.
- Don't worry, you've got the bicarb.
That's good for hydrophobia as well.
- Fall in outside as soon as you're dressed!
- Jonesy, come 'ere!
- I'm fed up with this. I'm starving!
- What can we do about it?
- When I get a minute, I'll try to find some grub.
- There's no shops round here!
I know, but there's a farm next to the camp.
They must have something to eat in there.
You leave it to me.
(GUNFIRE)
Move your men forward, Capitan!
All right, men! Forward!
♪ He's got a house in London,
in London, in London
♪ And there within the palace yard
The soldiers of the King stand guard
♪ Write up the music, roll out the songs
Let all the trumpets play
♪ Tell all the world we're facing the music
Here we all are and here we all stay
♪ The King is still in London,
in London, in London
♪ Like Mr Jones and Mr Brown... ♪
Aaaagh!
Do not forget to keep your heads down!
We are using live ammunition.
Wave the flag when you are ready!
Do you hear that, sir?
They're going to use live ammunition.
I shouldn't take too much notice of that, Wilson.
They wouldn't dare.
- Wave the flag.
- Right, sir.
(GUNFIRE)
♪ The King is still in London... ♪
(BLEATING)
♪ And he would be in London town
If London Bridge was falling down
♪ He's got a house in London,
in London, in London... ♪
Blimey, it ain't half dark in here!
Come here, you little blighters!
Come here! Cor blimey! Come here!
♪ Let all the trumpets play
♪ Tell all the world we're facing the music
Here we all are and here we all stay... ♪
(GUNFIRE)
Hurry up! Get your men
across the river, Captain! Hurry!
- It looks a bit deep to me, Mr Mainwaring.
- It's all right, Jones, we can cross here.
- Do you think that's wise, sir?
- Don't argue. I can see the bottom. Forward!
Aaagh!
Are you all right, Mr Mainwaring, sir?
(GRUNTING)
Gotcha!
(PIG SHRIEKS)
Want to buy a bacon slice, sir?
Follow me, men!
Not much further to go... Aaagh!
- Oh, dear.
- That was a nasty thing, sir.
I was just taking it across the road.
Come on, men! Follow me!
♪ The King is still in London,
in London, in London
♪ And he would be in London town
If London Bridge was falling down
♪ He's got a house in London,
in London, in London... ♪
Come on, Joe! Where have you been?
- 'Ere, cop hold of these!
- Blimey! Eggs! Where did you get 'em?
♪ The King is still in London,
in London, in London... ♪
Tea, stew, potatoes, carrots, pudding, jam.
All right, make it quick.
You've only got 15 minutes!
Hurry, hurry, hurry!
We haven't got all night.
You're like a lot of old women. Hurry!
I've told you before. The hygiene. Clean, clean!
Hurry! Hurry! Move, move!
♪ Real men are their ideal men
♪ They like them tough in military mould
♪ That's why they love a soldier
♪ A gallant soldier gives a girl a thrill
♪ She meets him, she likes him
♪ She loves him and always will
♪ For the girl who loves a soldier... ♪
I want soldiers, not Boy Scouts!
Move! Move!
Follow me, men!
Aaaagh!
♪ Plays his part in the grand cavalcade
♪ For the girl who loves a soldier
♪ Is in love with the right kind of man
♪ When he says, "Fall in, my darling"
♪ Well, she falls in his arms while she can
♪ She simply can't refuse... ♪
Mr Wilson, I'm worried about Mr Mainwaring.
Where do you think he's got to?
No idea, Jonesy. He was taking us through that
smokescreen, then he disappeared into thin air.
- All right, men, we've got work to do!
- Where have you been?
- Never mind that now.
- What are we gonna do, sir?
We're going to capture the camp headquarters.
We can't. It's surrounded
by an enormous barbed wire fence.
Secondary to that, it's electrified as well!
- And those dreadful dogs.
- How will we get through that lot?
Don't worry about that. Just leave everything
to me. I've never let you down yet, have I?
♪ Fools rush in where angels fear to tread
♪ And so I come to you, my love... ♪
Oh, sorry.
♪ How I see the danger there... ♪
- Come on, Corporal.
- Yes, sir.
(WHISPERS) Quick as you can. Quickly!
Here! Here, look at all this stuff!
Corned beef, Spam, sugar, tea.
It's a blooming treasure house!
Must be the stores. Don't make a noise.
(RODRIGUES) What a bunch that platoon
from Walmington-on-Sea are!
I hope they never have to face the Germans!
(MAJOR) You were a bit hard
on Captain Mainwaring.
(RODRIGUES) These amateur soldiers
should go back to managing a bank!
Impudence! All right, stand by, men.
Sir, I think I ought to stay behind
and protect the rear.
Good idea, Walker. Ready?
- Do you think it's wise?
- Oh, Wilson!
Right, now!
Hands up!
♪ Pardon me, boy
Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?
♪ Yes, yes, track 29... ♪
# We'll meet again
Don't know where, don't know when
# But I know we'll meet again some sunny day
♪ Some sunny day... ♪
Well, an excellent weekend's work,
don't you think?
I do, sir. I shan't forget the look on that Spanish
fellow's face when we burst into the room.
"Amateur soldiers" indeed!
I want to congratulate you, Captain Mainwaring.
- Thank you, Frazer.
- I never doubted you for a single minute.
I've said it once and I'll say it again, sir.
You're our inspiration, Mr Mainwaring.
Excuse me, sir. Do you think that Major Smith
is going to recommend us to GHQ for being...
well, being so good?
Yes, he is. Although I would rather have seen
the platoon get a more tangible reward.
- Oi, what's "tangible" mean, Jonesy?
- It means you can get hold of it.
Right, get hold of this!
- Where did you get all that stuff from?
- Well, I was protecting the rear, wasn't I?
Here, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Two bob a time, all right?