Dad's Army (1968–1977): Season 3, Episode 14 - Sons of the Sea - full transcript

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Mr Mainwaring, it looks
as if you've been left holding the baby.

Yes, it does indeed.

You don't mind if I set this Lewis
gun up while we talk, do you?

- No, not at all.
- No, it's my first job every morning.

In case of a sudden attack, you know.

Oh, quite. Now, to return
to the problem of the late Mr Johnson.

- As you know...
- Excuse me a moment, will you?

- Pike!
- Sir?

Tell Carter Patterson's to move their van.
The horse is blocking our line of fire.

Sorry about that, Mr...



The problem of the late Mr Johnson.
As you know, he had no relatives.

Ah, Wilson. This is my chief clerk, Mr Wilson.
He's dealing with Mr Johnson's affairs.

The point is this, when Mr Johnson died,

the only possessions he had in the world were
the clothes he stood up in and his boat,

the... the Naughty Jane.

It will have to be sold, of course,
but that may not be easy.

Not many people want to
buy a boat in wartime.

Quite. And there's another little problem.
Unfortunately, his account was overdrawn.

There it is, sir.
To the extent of 33 pounds 12 and 6.

Ah. Mm.

Yes, well, in that case, of course,

the boat becomes the property of the bank
and can be sold to offset this overdraft.

Perhaps you could put an advertisement in the
local paper and simply say it's for sale.

- Yes, do that, will you, Wilson?
- Well, I'll be off now, Mr Mainwaring.



I'll leave you my account
just in case you do sell the boat

and there's any money over
when you've paid off the overdraft.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- I'll see you out. Good day to you.
- Good day.

You'll want that, won't you, Wilson?
The particulars of the rowing boat.

"15 feet long, five-foot beam, four oars.
Seaworthy condition." Blah, blah.

That's not very much good, is it? You can't
go rowing about in the sea in wartime.

It isn't actually on the sea. It's a mile
upstream. Anybody can look at it if they want to.

Now, I think we'd better
get down to this...

- Wait a minute. I've had an idea.
- Be careful, sir. Please, be careful.

River patrols! That's it, Wilson.
River patrols!

Half a dozen determined men
armed to the teeth with a boat,

they could play havoc with the Nazis. What?

Do you see it? Swift, silent patrols
hitting the enemy where it hurts most,

then disappearing into the night, quietly, without
a sound, silently. Cutting through the water.

Muffled oars, of course.

- Muffled oars?
- Oh, yes. That's how Wolfe captured Quebec.

- Oh, really?
- Rowed up the St Lawrence with muffled oars.

Taught those Froggies a thing or two.

What exactly are muffled oars?

Well...

We'd ask somebody about that.

We're on duty five nights a week, from the
Novelty Rock Emporium to Godfrey's cottage.

The railway bridge, the gasworks, the telephone
exchange, mobile patrols in Jones's van.

I mean, really... Isn't it...
It's... it's too much.

Do I detect
a slight lack of enthusiasm in your voice?

We must have some rest, sir.

I realise that. I only
want to try the thing out.

Today's Friday. The next parade is on Sunday
morning. I'll tell you what we'll do.

- We'll try it out after tea this afternoon.
- Right.

I shall want six volunteers. Detail Pike,
Desmond, Frazer, Jones, Walker and Godfrey.

- Get a message to them today.
- All right, sir. I'll do that.

Thank you very much indeed
for coming at such short notice.

I'd also like to propose a vote of thanks to
Sgt Wilson for mocking up this very good boat.

- It shows great imagination.
- Thank you, sir. My nanny taught me how.

- When I was in nursery.
- Did she?

Just take your place, will you?

I want to work out
some sort of drill with this mock-up

so we know what we're doing
when we get on the river.

We don't want
to make fools of ourselves in public.

With him in charge, what
choice have we got?

Now...

you may or may not believe this, gentlemen,

but this time yesterday I knew absolutely
nothing about boats. I was a nautical virgin.

So I knew there was only one person who could
possibly give me any help - Miss Beckworth.

So I went round and told her all about it
and she gave me a little handbook

called "How To Handle Your Oars",

which I understand is
issued to the Sea Scouts.

And now I think I can safely say that I have
at least mastered the basics of boatmanship.

And I'm sure, if I go wrong, Frazer
will be only too glad to put me right.

Aye, I will that.

- Ah, Mr Godfrey.
- Sorry I'm late. I got rather excited.

- I was playing bowls.
- Oh, that's a good omen. So was Drake.

- Can I inquire what they're doing?
- They're sitting in a boat.

Take your place, will you? Forward.

- For'ard.
- What did you say?

- The word is for'ard.
- Oh, yes. For'ard. For'ard, of course. Yes.

Must get these things right. Now, Frazer will
be steering, so he will be the coxswain.

- Coxs'n.
- The coxs'n, yes.

- And I shall sit next to him here.
- Aft.

- On the... On the aft.
- Ohh

And, of course, I shall
be in overall charge.

Now, I... Move your legs, boy.

Right. Now the oars. Pass
round the oars, Pike.

- Permission to speak, sir? I can do the oars.
- I've just detailed Pike to do that.

But I was a bit disappointed.
I thought I'd be the cock-swine.

Oh, all right. Go on.

Thank you very much, sir.
Here you are, boys. Here's the oars.

I want you to hold the... hold the oars vertically,
do you see? With the blades in the air.

That's it. Not quite so high, Pike.

Down a bit. Bring it down, boy.

That's right. Balance it on your thwart.

Now, when I give the order "Ship oars",
lower them down into the...

Rollocks!

What did you say?

- Rollocks.
- Ah, yes, of course.

Lower them down into the rowlocks.

- OK
- Go on, do it. Go on.

Put them down. Now...

Frazer will give you the command to catch.

Upon that, you sink the
blades into the water.

On the command "Pull", you pull.

When he says "Up", you... up.

And when he says "Feather", you...
Well, let's just try that, shall we?

Blades back, boys. Now, catch! Pull!

Up! Feather!
Catch! Pull! Up! Feather!

- Catch! Pull! U...
- Hold it, hold it a moment. Corporal?

Corporal Jones!
You're not keeping up with the others.

He may not be keeping up, but he ain't
half giving the floor a good clean!

Now, when I want to hold the boat quite
still, I give the command "Hold water".

You got that? Hold water!

Excuse me, sir?

- Yes, Godfrey?
- I could do a little rowing if it was needed.

Oh.

Thank you, Godfrey. I think we'll
carry on as we are at the moment.

- Right, come on. Let's have another go.
- Catch! Pu-u-u-ull!

Up! Feather.
Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather.

Catch! Pu-u-u-ull!

Up! Feather!
Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather!

- Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather!
- Excellent, men.

Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather.

- Good idea of mine, Frazer, to have a practice.
- Aye, it was indeed, sir.

Quite a few people watching, Wilson.
We're making a good impression.

Yes, sir, yes. Awfully good, sir.

- Keep it up, son! Keep it up!
- Yes, come on, Pike.

- You're throwing the stroke out.
- I can't help it, Mr Mainwaring. I feel sick.

Nonsense! It's only the river.
It's calm as a millpond.

I still feel sick!

Hold water!

This is no time to be feeling sick.
Showing us up in front of the public.

- I can't help it, Mr Mainwaring.
- Get down to the bottom so nobody sees us.

- I shall have to take your place.
- Do you think that's wise?

Here's an excellent opportunity

for you to observe the correct procedure
for walking about on a boat.

Catch! Pu-u-u-ull!

Up! Feather.

Catch! Pu-u-u-ull!

Captain Mainwaring? Permission to stop
catching, upping, pulling and feathering, sir?

It's getting a bit foggy, you know, sir.

Nonsense! Only a bit of sea mist.

Believe me, I know this stretch of water
like the back of my hand.

Row to the mouth of the
river and turn back.

Sir, it's getting awfully thick, you know.
I can hardly see to read.

Blimey, it ain't half coming up, sir.

Oh, all right. Turn the boat round, Frazer.

Aye. You - stop rowing!
You, you two only.

Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather.

Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! Up! Feather.

Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! All together!
Up! Feather.

- Catch! Pu-u-u-ull! That's got it.
- Are you sure you've turned this boat round?

- Of course I've turned it round.
- Can you see the bank, Wilson?

- I can't even see you.
- Look here...

You'd better come up here and relieve me so
that I can concentrate on the navigation.

- Jonesy, if you don't mind...
- Pike, get in the bottom of the boat.

- Come on, boy.
- I'll be here in a minute.

- Oh! Uncle, you trod on me!
- All right, Frank, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

- I'll steer now.
- You don't know anything about a rudder!

- Let me be the judge of that.
- Do you think that's wise?

When I want your opinions, I'll ask for them.
Right, now, all pull together. Come on.

Pu-u-u-ull!

- Pu-u-u-ull! Put your back into it, Wilson.
- I'm doing my best.

It'll be dark soon and
we won't see anything.

- It's not exactly crystal clear at the moment.
- That'll do.

Right. Pu-u-u-ull!

Pu-u-u-ull!

Right, rest on your oars, men.

Well, thank goodness this mist has lifted.

We should be well upstream by now.
Can you see the bank, Frazer?

I'm having nothing to do with this.
I wash my hands of the whole affair.

There's no need to sulk about it.

- Uncle Arthur?
- What is it, Frank?

- I feel awful. Can I have a glass of water?
- Don't be absurd, Frank.

- I haven't got a glass of water.
- Hang on, son. I'll get you a drop of water.

No, no, Joe. Mum won't let me drink
river water. It's full of germs.

Do you want a drink or don't you?
There you go.

All right.

- What did you do that for?
- I can't drink that! It's all salty!

- What?
- Salt?!

- Blimey! It is! It's salt!
- 'Ere, if it's salt, we're at sea.

We're at sea! Don't panic! Don't panic!

- Come and sit down!
- Sit down!

- I thought you were a sailor, Frazer.
- It was you that took over the steering!

All right, that'll do.
Now, be quiet while I think of what to do.

- Permission to speak, sir?
- Yes?

- Why don't we all shout "Help"?
- Yes, that might not be a bad idea.

Perhaps you ought to make it "Ahoy".
It sounds more urgent.

Yes, perhaps. All right.
We'll all shout together, then. Here we go.

Ahoy!

Ahoy!

- Ahoy!
- Ahoy!

I don't think anyone heard us, sir.

If we could find the north, then row towards
it, at least it takes us back to the shore.

Yes. Yes, that's good thinking.

Where's the north, Frazer?

Why ask me? You're the
one that knows it all.

Take another look at the back of your hand

- Frazer! You're being extremely childish!
- Ah!

Now, anybody got any suggestions
as to how we find the north?

Well, moss grows on the north
side of trees, if that helps.

It doesn't, Godfrey.

Sir, if you point the hour hand
of your watch towards the sun

and halve that between 12 o'clock,
that points towards the south.

- It happens to be dark, Corporal.
- Perhaps point it towards the moon, sir?

- No, no, different thing altogether.
- You've got to have the sun.

We used to find our way
by that in the Sudan.

They've got a lot of sun out there. Except
at night. We didn't get a lot of sun then.

No. Well, perhaps we can find the
North Star. That might be a help.

Ah, you need the Great Bear for that.

That's a group of stars that is made
like a milk saucepan, in that shape.

And then, opposite the handle,
all the stars point towards the north.

So if it was a real milk saucepan,
the part where you pour the milk out.

Hence the expression the Milky Way.

Walker...

I've rebuked you many times in the past
for passing stupid remarks.

I'm glad to see that the gravity of the situation
has not killed your lively Cockney humour.

Chaps like you are the backbone of England.

Yeah, well...
I was only trying to keep people cheerful.

Precisely. It's very comforting to know that in
a crisis like this we're all sticking together.

- Captain Mainwaring?
- Hm?

I'd like to apologise.

What you just said
made me realise I've behaved very badly.

Thank you, Frazer.

Now perhaps you'll tell
us where the north is.

- I can't.
- Why not?

Because I don't bloody well know!

Think I'd be sitting in this boat with you
gang of stupid Sassenachs if I knew the way?!

- What about the stars?
- Ach, there's too much cloud.

Permission to speak, sir?

If you get a piece of cotton
with a needle on the end

and hang it on top of
the palm of your hand,

that will swing towards the north.

You silly old duffer!
That's for pregnant women!

To tell if they're having a boy or a girl!

Yeah, it's good for that an' all.

♪ Little Sir Echo, how do you do? ♪

Uncle Arthur?

What is it?

I read a story in "Hotspur" about a group of
men who were adrift for days in an open boat.

In the end, they got so hungry
that they had to eat one of them.

They had to draw lots
to find out which one.

- Who lost?
- The captain.

You stupid boy!

I don't think I'd like to eat
Mr Mainwaring, Uncle Arthur.

- I know him too well.
- Don't be absurd. Don't be so silly, Frank.

For heaven's sake.

Uncle Arthur?

What is it?

Do you think I'll go blind?

What are you talking about?

They say if you do it you'll go blind.

- Do what?
- Drink sea water!

You don't go blind drinking sea water.
You just go...

You just go mad instead.

- Do you think I'll go mad?
- Oh, don't be silly!

- The Ancient Mariner did.
- He drank rather more than you did.

- What sort of time is it, Wilson?
- What? Oh, I'll just sit up a bit.

It's rather difficult down here.
Er, it's five o'clock.

Is it?

Pay attention, men.

It'll be light soon.
We shall be spotted by a boat.

Yeah.

What happens if we're not spotted?

- We're only in the English Channel, Walker.
- Suppose it's a German boat, sir?

I don't want any of that sort of talk here.

There are no German boats
in the English Channel.

Permission to speak, sir? I can hear voices
that are not us, from over there.

There they are again, sir.

By Jove, you're right.

We can't be too far from
the shore after all.

- Look, let's all shout together. Ahoy.
- Do you think that's wise?

- Please, Wilson.
- It just occurred to me, sir,

that if we started to shout now they might
mistake us for being Germans and shoot at us.

Yes. Yes, that's good thinking, Sergeant.

I tell you what we'll do.

We'll row in very, very quietly.

When we get well inshore, all shout
together so that they know we're British.

Permission to speak, sir? Why don't we muffle
our rollocks so they don't hear them clanking?

Good idea, Jonesy. Excellent.
Did you find out about all that, sir?

- Well, I...
- 'Ere, why don't we use our forage caps?

There you are, sir. That's how it's done.

All right. Take your places.

Well done, men. We've made it. Now, listen.

When I say "Go",

I want us all to shout together, as loud
as we can, "Ahoy there! We're British!"

Got that? Stand by.

Permission to speak, sir?

I don't think we're in England.

My God...

We must have drifted across the Channel.

Don't you think perhaps
we ought to surrender?

The Germans won't like this very much.

- I'll pretend I never heard that remark.
- It's the only sensible thing to do.

- We can't take on the entire German army.
- Can't we shove off again?

No, that's no good, Walker.
It'll be light again soon.

We'll be spotted out on the open water,
caught like rats in a trap.

There's only one thing to do.

We must creep ashore
and hide until it's dark again.

Start taking off your boots.

Keep as close into the wall as you can.

Ssh!

- Captain Mainwaring, sir?
- What, Godfrey?

- Do you think I might be excused?
- Certainly not!

- We were an awful long time in the boat, sir.
- You should have taken advantage of it.

They'll spot us if we stay here much longer.
And my feet are killing me.

Look, there's a railway siding over there.

We'll go and hide in one of the trucks.
Come on. Quick as you can.

Right, men. Get into one of these trucks.

- Give us a light, mate.
- Sure.

Blimey, listen to that racket! It's been
going on all night. Some party, eh?

They certainly can celebrate,
those French-Canadian pilots.

- What's it in aid of?
- They shot down their 50th Nazi plane.

- They hired the room over the pub.
- It's a wonder nobody's complained.

- Who'd complain after what they've done?
- You're right there. Good luck to them!

- Come on. 'Ere you go.
- Well done, Godfrey.

- Right. Everybody here?
- Yes, sir.

Shut the door.

- Right. Start putting your boots on.
- What'll you do next? That's the trouble.

We're going to hide up here until it gets dark
again and then we'll try to find the boat.

- Hang on, we'll be here all day!
- That's right.

- We shall starve, Mr Mainwaring.
- Oh, no, we shan't.

It won't do you any harm at all to go without food
for an hour or two. You eat too much as it is.

All right, now, settle down as best
you can. Let's get what rest we can.

♪ The last time I saw Paris... ♪

- Mr Mainwaring!
- Yes...?

- What is it?
- Permission to worry you, sir?

- What is it, Corporal?
- It's going diddle-a-dum, diddle-a-dum!

- What is?
- The train! It's moving! It's moving!

Look, look.

Good heavens! We're in the heart
of the country. I can see treetops.

Good heavens!
We must be in the middle of France!

Don't panic! We're in France! Don't panic!

- In the middle of France! The middle of France!
- Be quiet, Corporal!

- Don't do that!
- Wilson?

- Yes, sir?
- Better immobilise our weapons at once.

We don't want them falling
into enemy hands.

- Walker, open that door just a few inches.
- Right.

Take all the bolts out of your rifles.
Throw them out through the door.

- Take the butterfly spring out of that and lose it.
- Right, sir.

- We'll have to surrender after all, sir.
- Surrender? Of course we don't!

We'll drop off one by one
and make our way back to the coast.

- Oh, I see.
- In these uniforms they'll spot us in a minute.

Oh, no, they wouldn't.
Take your blouses off.

- Eh?
- We've all got civilian shirts on underneath.

You just roll up your tunics
and tuck them under your shirts.

- Do you think that's wise?
- Just get on with it!

- We could get shot as spies, sir.
- Oh, no, we won't.

Keep your forage caps in your pockets.
If the worst comes to the worst, put them on.

Believe you me, they won't
be able to touch you.

Oh, Mr Mainwaring.

You're our inspiration, sir.
What would we do without you?

We wouldnae be
in this bloody awful mess to start with!

Right, now, line up. Come along.
Line up along here.

Well, men, we're in a very tricky spot.

But the situation isn't hopeless.

Every time the train stops,
we're going to drop off, one by one,

and make our way back to the coast.

From then on, it's up to every man to get
across the Channel the best way he can.

Just before we part, I want to say thank
you to you all... and wish you good luck.

- Desmond.
- Goodbye, sir.

Chin up, chin up.

- Goodbye, Walker.
- Thank you, sir. Good luck.

- Thank you. Good luck, Frazer.
- Cheery-bye, sir.

Don't worry, Godfrey.
You stick with me. I'll get you home.

- Goodbye, Mr Mainwaring, sir.
- Goodbye, Corporal.

- Well, Wilson, this is it.
- Yes.

- Steady! Hang on!
- All right, sir! No need to overdo it!

Right. The train's stopped.
Corporal, you're the first. Walker, open the door.

Wait a minute, sir! You're
still wearing your hat!

- Hang on. It's a bit stiff.
- Right.

Shut it! Shut it!

- We're at a station.
- I do hope that man didn't see us.

Of course he saw us! Don't be absurd!
We'll have to bluff our way out of it.

What's the French for
"What is this station?"

Eh...

Qu'est-ce que c'est la gare?
Qu'est-ce que c'est la gare?

Fine. Open it.

Bonjour, monsieur.

Qu'est-ce que c'est... la... la gare?

Eh?

Qu'est-ce que c'est la gare?!

Oh, ah... La gare est Eastbourne, actually.

- Eastbourne?!
- Why are you speaking French?

- Because we're Brit...
- Eastbourne?!

- Eastbourne!
- We're not in France!

- What are you doing here?
- Waiting for the 12.30 to Walmington-on-Sea.

That's wonderful. We can wait with him
and be back in time for lunch.

We're not getting on any train, Wilson.

We're going back along that track to pick up
those rifle bolts. Start getting dressed.