Dad's Army (1968–1977): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Armoured Might of Lance Corporal Jones - full transcript
Meanwaring's lecture is a total miss of account of gas masks. To obtain rationed petrol, Joe convinces Jones to volunteer his butcher van as platoon car. Alas, after they worked for days to make it fit for the platoon, HQ has it converted to gas. Meanwhile, to Meanwaring's snobbish horror, vulgar grocer Hodges makes his haughty entry as A.R.P. Chief Warden, and rival rooster in town and church hall.
And to summarise, the gases
you have to contend with are mustard, D.M.,
chlorine and phosgene.
Well, that concludes my lecture
on the various gases...
..that the enemy is liable to use.
- Is anything worrying anybody?
- Permission to speak, sir!
- What's he saying?
- I couldn't catch it, sir.
- What did you say?
- I said I couldn't catch it.
- I want to know what HE said. Go and ask him.
- All right, sir.
- The Captain would like to know what you said.
- What's that?
Captain Mainwaring would like to know
what you said.
- I said, ''Permission to speak, sir.''
- I see.
- He wants permission to speak, sir.
- Of course! Ask him what he wants to say!
- What is it...? What do you want to say?
- Eh?
What do you... What do you want to say?
I never heard a word he said.
Apparently, sir,
he never heard a word you said.
I can't hear a word you say, Wilson.
Take that thing off.
Apparently, sir...
He couldn't hear a word you'd been saying.
I see. He never heard a word of my lecture?
- Apparently not, sir.
- Did none of you hear...?
Can you hear me now...?
Take the respirators off. Put them away.
We'll continue this lecture tomorrow.
Now, I want to introduce you to a new weapon.
Can anybody tell me what this is?
Yes, sir. That's a grocer's cheese cutter.
That is correct.
A perfectly harmless cheese cutter.
But applied properly,
it can become a deadly weapon.
I'll tell you how I first got the idea
for using this as a weapon.
Stand easy, everybody, would you, please?
It's an example of improvisation at its very best.
The other day, I went along to the grocer's
to get the rations for my wife and myself
and while the grocer was cutting
our meagre ration of cheese,
I thought, ''Why do we get such a little piece?''
And as the wire went through the cheese
and the cheese rolled off the cutting board
on to the slab below,
suddenly, in my mind's eye,
it became the head of a Nazi storm trooper.
And I thought, ''That's it, just the weapon
to deal with enemy sentries.''
Creep up behind him like this,
lob it over his head,
knee in the small of the back and...pull!
- Are you all right, sir?
- Of course!
Instant decapitation.
Doesn't know what's happened.
Not till he nods his head!
What did you say, Walker?
I said he'd, er...be better off in bed, sir.
He would indeed.
You see? Round the head, instant decap...
- What is it, Pike?
- Permission to be sick, sir!
Permission granted.
Sergeant, where are you going?
That boy'll have to be toughened up.
- Can't be sick because I mention decapitation!
- It's not that, sir.
He doesn't happen
to like cheese very much, sir.
Now pay attention, men.
GHQ has said there's not enough co-operation
between the ARP and the Home Guard.
We've all got to work together
for the common cause.
And the new Chief Warden will be coming down
shortly to discuss methods of co-operation.
By the way, who is the new Chief Warden?
That rather common fellow, sir.
Mr Hodges, I think.
- They've made him Chief Warden?
- Yes, they have.
- He's a greengrocer.
- Yes, I know, sir.
- I know that because of his dirty fingernails.
- How do you know that?
I can see them
when he shoves his takings through the grille.
He keeps the shop next to mine. Since he was
made Chief Warden, there's no holding him.
I'm afraid he's been corrupted with power, sir.
He's a nasty bit of work, sir.
You'd better put your foot firmly down on him
or soon he'll be taking over from you completely.
Thank you, Corporal.
- Just like to see him try, eh, Wilson?
- Indeed, sir.
- Who's in charge?
- You know who's in charge.
- Can't you read my insignia?
- Mr Mainwaring, the bank manager.
- Captain Mainwaring. And Sergeant Wilson.
- How do you do?
As far as I'm concerned, you are still
the bank manager and he is still the chief clerk.
When I take me takings into the bank,
he gives me a dirty look.
Matches your nails.
- What did he say?
- Never mind.
You and I are supposed to co-operate. I want
that hall every Wednesday for an ARP lecture.
Out of the question.
I have a parade there every Wednesday.
- That's your bad luck, mate.
- I have an arrangement with the vicar.
What goes on between you and the vicar
is entirely your affair.
All I know is I want that 'all
every Wednesday evening. Got it?
You're absolutely right, Wilson.
His fingernails are filthy.
He does it beautifully, don't you think?
There's no doubt about it. He's an artist.
How can he make a little look so much?
It's amazing.
He's a wonderful man...for his age.
Here we are, ladies.
Now, then, who's first this morning?
- Ah, good morning, Mrs Peters.
- Good morning, Mr Jones. What can I have?
Well, you ain't got much in these,
have you, Mrs Peters?
Are you looking at 'em properly?
My minces aren't too good,
but you only got a shilling's worth on each book.
Oh, dear, is that all I've got?
- You shouldn't have had that joint on Friday.
- It's not my fault, Mr Jones.
My husband will insist on his bit of brisket
every weekend!
I can let you have three little lamb chops.
There you are. That's, uh, one and eight.
You'll have to have the rest in corned beef.
There we are.
That comes to two bob exactly.
There you are. How's that?
'Ere!
- Have you got any sausages?
- Hold on.
- Here we are.
- He's got some sausages!
Yes, lovely.
All right, ladies, all right!
Only one sausage with each book.
Take two and four, please, Miss Mortimer!
Good morning, Mrs Fox.
Hello, Mr Jones. I've got everything today.
Yes, you have, haven't you?
You didn't have any meat over the weekend.
You see, my hubby and I went away.
Yes, but you've got your full ration here, two
and tuppence on each book. What will it be?
I would like a nice bit of steak.
Oh, ho-ho-ho! A bit of steak, eh?
Nice bit of Veronica Lake. Now, let me see.
There we are.
That's three and four.
You'll have to have the rest in corned beef.
There we are. That's four and four.
Do you want your sausages?
Oh, yes, both of them, please.
There we are.
Mr Jones, have you got any kidney?
No, I'm afraid not, Mrs Fox.
You must have a little bit
tucked away somewhere?
No, not a bit, Mrs Fox, no.
Oh, well, I'll just have to make do
with what I've got, won't I?
- Well, bye-bye, Mr Jones.
- Bye-bye.
- By the way, I've brought that for you.
- Oh, what's this?
- Your favourite tobacco.
- Thank you very much, madam.
And I'll be in later in the week.
Yes, erm...
Raymond, hurry up with the brawn,
will you, please?
All right, Mr Jones.
Ah, hello. Take two and four, please!
Right... Take four and eight. That's right, take
four and eight! Good morning, Miss Meadows.
Good morning, Mr Jones.
- What's this?
- Just a little cake I made for your tea.
You are naughty.
You're using up all your points.
You can have any points you want,
you know, from me.
Eh?
What I mean is you deserve looking after.
After all, you do do your bit, you know.
You take care of us.
You take care of our insides as a butcher
and our outsides as a Home Guard.
Yes, quite. Hurry up with the brawn, please,
Raymond! What's it to be, Miss Meadows?
- I'll take it all in corned beef.
- All in corned beef? Righty oh, there we are.
- Would you like your sausage?
- Yes, I'll have my sausage.
Miss Meadows,
I wish all my ladies were as easy as you.
Well, I do try to please, Mr Jones.
Thank you so much.
- Take two and four, Miss Mortimer!
- Now...
Here's the brawn, Mr Jones.
- Oh, look!
- Oh, Mr Jones, I'll have some of that.
- Oh, look at that. It's lovely.
- Ladies!
There's only two ounces on each book.
- Not much meat in it, is there?
- This isn't on coupons.
- You can't look a gift-horse in the mouth.
- If it's horse, I don't want it!
- It's not horse, it's pork.
- You said it was horse.
I didn't. I said, ''You can't look a gift...''
Oh, never mind.
Excuse me, ladies. Excuse me.
Calm down, calm down, calm down.
- You know me. I'm here on business.
- And we all know what YOUR business is!
- Is that nice?
- Joe, what is it?
I want to have a word with you.
It's urgent and private.
We'd better go in the cold room.
Take over, Raymond.
Who's first, then?
Do you mind? I've got
a lot to do down the high street. Hurry up.
- Why did you bring me in 'ere? It's freezing.
- It's the only place we won't be overheard.
- Have you still got your delivery van?
- Yeah, it's in the back yard.
- Why, don't it go?
- Course it goes, but I can't get the petrol.
'Ere, listen, I've got an idea.
Why don't you loan it
to Captain Mainwaring as platoon transport?
Why?
Well, it's like this. Sometimes at night,
I have to transport certain things.
You see? If I'm driving an ordinary van,
I might get stopped.
But if I'm driving official transport
and I'm in uniform, I won't get stopped.
- Got it?
- Yeah, I got it all right.
What do I get out of it?
I thought that you might...
Do you have to have this place so cold?
It's according to the regulations.
Here, listen, if you let 'em have your van,
they'll have to g-give you
the p-petrol coupons for it.
Well, I thought you could get...petrol.
I-I can get p-petrol all right,
but I can't get the c-coupons.
You can't get 'em anywhere.
They're worth t-ten bob apiece.
Listen, anything I make,
I'll split fifty-fifty with you. All right?
Sounds a bit...dodgy to me, Joe.
D-Don't worry, Jonesy.
Leave it to your old p-pal Joe.
All right.
That's my Jonesy!
Sorry, mate.
Absolutely first-class. Splendid vehicle. This
must be a very proud moment for you, Corporal.
- Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
- We now have our own troop transport.
Now, listen, men, Corporal Jones and
Private Walker have worked practically non-stop
over the past three days to prepare this vehicle
and now Corporal Jones will explain their work.
I am the official driver.
Is that all right with you, Mr Mainwaring?
- Of course.
- Do you think that's wise, sir?
- We've got to let him drive it. It's his own van.
- I know it is, but I'm not too keen on the idea.
You're never too keen on anything,
are you, Sergeant? Carry on, Corporal.
All right, all round the back, please!
Step this way and I'll show you a few details.
Right...
Keep well back, so the officer can see.
It's an all-purpose vehicle.
First of all, it is an armoured car.
Note the sandbags. That makes it bulletproof.
It is also an ambulance.
Kindly note the racks for the stretchers.
It is also a troop transport. You sit on the floor.
It's gonna be cold sitting on those marble slabs.
It won't do me any good. The clinic said
I should never sit on anything cold.
- My mum won't like me sitting...
- All right, all right!
What is the purpose of these slabs, Corporal?
I've got these marbles down on the floor
in case we run into a landmine, you see?
It's protection from blast-up.
Mind you, they have to go back
in the shop in the morning, sir.
Well, it might be as well to dispense with
the slabs until we have an actual invasion, eh?
Now, what we have to do is to work out a drill,
so that the whole platoon
can embark and disembark.
- I've seen to that, sir. Can I show it to you?
- I can't wait to see it.
Now, battle section,
fall into one line, quick as you can.
All right, all right!
All right... All right, embark!
Left turn! One, two, three, one!
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right!
Now, sir, I want you to try and imagine
that this van is moving down the road.
Mr Wilson, if the van is moving,
I should be driving.
- Yes, of course you should. Off you go.
- I will be driving, sir.
- Should we imagine that the door is shut?
- Yes. Quick as you can, Godfrey. OK, Jonesy?
Right, sir. Vroom, vroom!
Rum-a-num-num! Rum-a-num-a-num!
Yeah, what is it now?
- Engine's going, sir. Num-num-num!
- All right. Off you go.
- Num-num-num!
- Now, sir...
Now, sir, as the men are inside,
the vehicle is now moving.
- Ready when you want to go, sir!
- All right, Jones.
- The vehicle is moving down the road.
- So I gathered, Wilson.
Right, enemy on the left, range 100 yards.
Five rounds rapid fire!
Open, two, three, out, two, three!
Bang, two, three, bang, two, three,
bang, two, three, bang, two, three!
Bang, two, three, in, two, three, shut!
Very good, isn't it? Right, enemy on the right,
range 150 yards, five rounds rapid fire!
Open, two, three, out, two, three!
Bang, two, three, bang, two, three, bang, two,
three, bang, two, three, bang, two, three!
In, two, three, shut!
Enemy dive bomber up ahead,
five rounds rapid fire!
Up, two, three, bang, two, three,
bang, two, three, bang, two, three!
Bang, two, three, bang, two, three, down!
Well done. All right. Disembark!
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left,
right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right!
One, two, three, one, two, three,
one, two, three, one, two, three, one!
There you are, sir. What did you think of that?
You never cease to amaze me, Wilson.
Well, sir, I really am rather keen.
I'm as keen as you are.
It's just that I have this difficulty in showing it.
Yes, I understand, Wilson.
- Vroom! Num-num!
- What's that peculiar noise?
I think it's Jones, sir. He gets rather excited.
Num-num-num!
All right, Jones, you can stop now!
Jones! Corporal Jones!
- Yes, sir?
- You can stop now.
- We're here.
- Right. Thank you, sir.
What's going on? I've never heard such a row!
- I'm trying to give a lecture.
- Nobody's stopping you.
How can I with you lot shouting ''bang, bang,
bang''? Are you playing cowboys and Indians?
We are testing our ambulance troop carrier.
- This is an ambulance?
- Of course. What else?
Looks to me very much like a butcher's van.
When does the horse arrive?
As an ambulance, this works extremely well.
- It's your lucky day, then.
- How?
Next Saturday, we're having
a large-scale air-raid practice
and we need all the extra available transport,
so report with your ambulance and six men
at two o'clock next Saturday to Percy Street.
- I presume you mean at 1400 hours?
- Yes, 1400 hours.
Well done, sir. You got it right.
Thank you, Wilson.
We'll show him how efficient we are.
Excuse me, sir, but about the petrol coupons,
it's gonna use up a fair bit of juice.
I'm glad you mentioned that
because we're going to convert it into gas.
- Gas?
- Yes, I telephoned GHQ and I explained it all.
They say that in order to save petrol,
we should take it to the RASC transport pool
and they'll convert it into gas,
so you can take it round right away.
And have it back here
in time for the air-raid practice on Saturday.
Carry on, please.
''I've got a good idea,'' he says.
''Lend the van to the platoon and we'll get
some free petrol coupons,'' he says.
It's not my fault, is it?
I'm not a clairvoyant, am I?
I mean, look at my van. Look what they've done
to it. What's this flipping great thing?
That takes the gas down to the engine.
Wherever I look, there's a great sagging bag.
Can't you take your mind off women
for a moment, mate?
What's this? What do you wanna keep
your bayonet on 'ere for?
You never know when we might need it.
''You never know when we might need it.''
Flipping thing!
You're bayonet barmy, mate!
You're not gonna meet
any fuzzy-wuzzies out here!
What's the matter with you?
I don't know. I feel sort of light-headed.
That's nothing new, is it?
What are you laughing at?
# I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls
# With a little hot oil and a feather
♪ And when I awoke, I found it no joke
He was tanning my... ♪
Hey, get out of here!
# Heil Hitler, ra-ra-ra
# Oh, what a funny little man you are
♪ With your little moustache
and your hair all blah, Heil Hitler, ra-ra-ra! ♪
Here, have you got a light, Jonesy?
There you are, Joe.
Thanks, mate.
♪ A long way from home... ♪
- It ain't half hot in 'ere!
- I don't know.
Well... Blimey, the van's on fire! Stop the van!
Look out! There's a great big hole in it!
It's all escaping! Do something, Joe!
What?
Do what that little Belgian boy did in Brussels!
- I can't do that in 'ere!
- Not that! Put your finger in the hole! Quick!
- Oh.
- Go on!
That's a Dutch boy, you silly old duffer!
♪ I came, I saw, I conquered
It's plain to see... ♪
Ah, there you are, at last!
Where have you been?
Well, we had a spot of trouble.
Where is everybody?
Captain Mainwaring couldnae wait. He's gone
to Percy Street with the rest of the party.
He wants you to follow on as soon as possible.
Jonesy, how long have I got
to have my finger stuck in this hole?
- Until the exercise is over.
- That gas bag looks a wee bit empty to me.
Blimey, Joe, we ain't half losing some gas!
Don't take your finger out that hole!
Remember that Belgian boy!
Dutch boy, you silly old mole!
There's no call for you to be nasty! What
are we gonna do? We've run out of a lot of gas.
Wait a minute, Jonesy. I've got an idea.
Why don't we take some gas
from the vicar's gas fire?
- How are you gonna do that?
- You'll see. Wait a minute.
Captain Mainwaring will do his nut if we're late.
It's all your fault!
If it hadn't been for your flipping bayonet,
none of this would've happened!
- Don't talk so silly.
- Here you are, Jonesy!
- Connect that up. I'll turn on the fire.
- Yeah, all right.
Got it?
Yeah. Good old Jock! What we English
would do without the brains of the Scots, eh?
- Go on, turn it on.
- Right on.
May I ask what you're doing here?
Me? I'm looking out of the window, sir.
Why is that hose attached to my gas fire?
Well, you see, it's like this.
Aye! You see yon big gas bag yonder?
- Yes.
- Well, we didnae know what to do with it.
We thought we would just fill up your gas fire.
Ah, most charitable, my friend, most charitable.
One up.
Right, stand well back!
There's nothing to see. Stand back!
- Most embarrassing! Where is Jones?
- Perhaps he ran out of petrol.
- It's been converted to gas.
- When will that ambulance get here?
- Any moment.
- I should hope so.
If this is a sample of your efficiency,
I don't think much of it. Stand back!
Arthur! I've been looking everywhere for you.
You forgot to give me the housekeeping money.
Mavis, not now. Can't you see we're busy?
I can't help that. I've got to do the shopping.
- Lie down beside that old man.
- Certainly not!
- You're one of the casualties?
- No, I'm not.
Get out of the way with the others!
She won't lie back anywhere
until she's finished talking to me!
- Well done, Wilson.
- Thank you, sir.
Mavis, do you think L2 would be enough?
Yes, of course. You know,
he's a wonderful man, Mr Mainwaring.
- Yes, all right, Mavis.
- I've never seen such chaos!
- Here it is now.
- Thank goodness!
- It's about time, too.
- Whoa!
Right, get him on the stretcher and in the
ambulance. I'm going down to the next street.
I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring. I'm sorry, sir.
We had a spot of trouble.
Nothing like the trouble we've had here!
Godfrey, Pike, get this man on to the stretcher!
Quickly as you can, then take it round
to the back of the van. Come on now.
Right, lift.
Oh, I beg your pardon!
Godfrey, pick it up! He's only a little old man.
- He's not so old as I am.
- Frazer, take over!
Out of the way, Grandpa!
- Right, come on. Round the back of the van!
- Round the back!
Right, open the doors, Corporal.
- I can't, sir. It's locked.
- Who locked it?
- I did, sir.
- What on earth for?
I didn't want anyone pinching my marbles, sir.
- Unlock it at once.
- Yes, sir. I haven't got the key, sir.
- Oh, for heaven's sake! Where is the key?
- It's back at the shop, sir.
- Go and get it at once!
- Yes, sir.
- And Jones, take that bike!
- Yes, right, sir.
Sir, there's a wee door behind the driver's seat.
Can we not get him in maybe through there?
- Yes, pick him up. Give them a hand, Wilson.
- All right.
- Up!
- Right, come on.
- Round this end!
- Pike, Pike, be careful with that!
Sorry, sir.
Up your end, Mr Frazer!
You can't put him through there.
Put him through the window!
That's it. Down a bit.
Get him up! Get him up!
Take him off, take him off!
- Over this way!
- Get him off!
- Get him off.
- Get him off the stretcher.
Up you come, up you come, that's it.
Bend his legs. Frazer, bend his legs!
- Did you tell your bloke to take my bike?
- Yes. What about it?
You can't take private property!
This is an emergency. I'm a captain
in the Home Guard. Bend him round!
- Go away, will you?
- No, I will not!
- What are you doing to that poor old man?
- Mind your own business!
- We ought to get the seat out first, sir.
- Get the seat out first.
We can't do it!
- That's it.
- We can't get him...
- Permission to speak, sir!
- What is it?
- I've got the key, sir.
- Ah, the key. Get him round the back!
Round the back. Come on!
You're a bunch of raving lunatics!
I'm gonna get the police.
Oi! Where are you going without the stretcher?
You can't put him in there without this!
What is the matter with you?
Come on! Dear, oh, dear!
Driver, I'll give you the signal
when we're ready. Two bangs, boom, boom!
When you're ready, give me the signal.
Two bangs!
- Right, are you ready?
- Yeah.
Right!
Wait, Jonesy!
- Oi!
- What's up?
That wasn't the signal. The door was stuck.
- It sounded like the signal.
- You old fool! This is the signal.
I'll walk to the flipping hospital!
you have to contend with are mustard, D.M.,
chlorine and phosgene.
Well, that concludes my lecture
on the various gases...
..that the enemy is liable to use.
- Is anything worrying anybody?
- Permission to speak, sir!
- What's he saying?
- I couldn't catch it, sir.
- What did you say?
- I said I couldn't catch it.
- I want to know what HE said. Go and ask him.
- All right, sir.
- The Captain would like to know what you said.
- What's that?
Captain Mainwaring would like to know
what you said.
- I said, ''Permission to speak, sir.''
- I see.
- He wants permission to speak, sir.
- Of course! Ask him what he wants to say!
- What is it...? What do you want to say?
- Eh?
What do you... What do you want to say?
I never heard a word he said.
Apparently, sir,
he never heard a word you said.
I can't hear a word you say, Wilson.
Take that thing off.
Apparently, sir...
He couldn't hear a word you'd been saying.
I see. He never heard a word of my lecture?
- Apparently not, sir.
- Did none of you hear...?
Can you hear me now...?
Take the respirators off. Put them away.
We'll continue this lecture tomorrow.
Now, I want to introduce you to a new weapon.
Can anybody tell me what this is?
Yes, sir. That's a grocer's cheese cutter.
That is correct.
A perfectly harmless cheese cutter.
But applied properly,
it can become a deadly weapon.
I'll tell you how I first got the idea
for using this as a weapon.
Stand easy, everybody, would you, please?
It's an example of improvisation at its very best.
The other day, I went along to the grocer's
to get the rations for my wife and myself
and while the grocer was cutting
our meagre ration of cheese,
I thought, ''Why do we get such a little piece?''
And as the wire went through the cheese
and the cheese rolled off the cutting board
on to the slab below,
suddenly, in my mind's eye,
it became the head of a Nazi storm trooper.
And I thought, ''That's it, just the weapon
to deal with enemy sentries.''
Creep up behind him like this,
lob it over his head,
knee in the small of the back and...pull!
- Are you all right, sir?
- Of course!
Instant decapitation.
Doesn't know what's happened.
Not till he nods his head!
What did you say, Walker?
I said he'd, er...be better off in bed, sir.
He would indeed.
You see? Round the head, instant decap...
- What is it, Pike?
- Permission to be sick, sir!
Permission granted.
Sergeant, where are you going?
That boy'll have to be toughened up.
- Can't be sick because I mention decapitation!
- It's not that, sir.
He doesn't happen
to like cheese very much, sir.
Now pay attention, men.
GHQ has said there's not enough co-operation
between the ARP and the Home Guard.
We've all got to work together
for the common cause.
And the new Chief Warden will be coming down
shortly to discuss methods of co-operation.
By the way, who is the new Chief Warden?
That rather common fellow, sir.
Mr Hodges, I think.
- They've made him Chief Warden?
- Yes, they have.
- He's a greengrocer.
- Yes, I know, sir.
- I know that because of his dirty fingernails.
- How do you know that?
I can see them
when he shoves his takings through the grille.
He keeps the shop next to mine. Since he was
made Chief Warden, there's no holding him.
I'm afraid he's been corrupted with power, sir.
He's a nasty bit of work, sir.
You'd better put your foot firmly down on him
or soon he'll be taking over from you completely.
Thank you, Corporal.
- Just like to see him try, eh, Wilson?
- Indeed, sir.
- Who's in charge?
- You know who's in charge.
- Can't you read my insignia?
- Mr Mainwaring, the bank manager.
- Captain Mainwaring. And Sergeant Wilson.
- How do you do?
As far as I'm concerned, you are still
the bank manager and he is still the chief clerk.
When I take me takings into the bank,
he gives me a dirty look.
Matches your nails.
- What did he say?
- Never mind.
You and I are supposed to co-operate. I want
that hall every Wednesday for an ARP lecture.
Out of the question.
I have a parade there every Wednesday.
- That's your bad luck, mate.
- I have an arrangement with the vicar.
What goes on between you and the vicar
is entirely your affair.
All I know is I want that 'all
every Wednesday evening. Got it?
You're absolutely right, Wilson.
His fingernails are filthy.
He does it beautifully, don't you think?
There's no doubt about it. He's an artist.
How can he make a little look so much?
It's amazing.
He's a wonderful man...for his age.
Here we are, ladies.
Now, then, who's first this morning?
- Ah, good morning, Mrs Peters.
- Good morning, Mr Jones. What can I have?
Well, you ain't got much in these,
have you, Mrs Peters?
Are you looking at 'em properly?
My minces aren't too good,
but you only got a shilling's worth on each book.
Oh, dear, is that all I've got?
- You shouldn't have had that joint on Friday.
- It's not my fault, Mr Jones.
My husband will insist on his bit of brisket
every weekend!
I can let you have three little lamb chops.
There you are. That's, uh, one and eight.
You'll have to have the rest in corned beef.
There we are.
That comes to two bob exactly.
There you are. How's that?
'Ere!
- Have you got any sausages?
- Hold on.
- Here we are.
- He's got some sausages!
Yes, lovely.
All right, ladies, all right!
Only one sausage with each book.
Take two and four, please, Miss Mortimer!
Good morning, Mrs Fox.
Hello, Mr Jones. I've got everything today.
Yes, you have, haven't you?
You didn't have any meat over the weekend.
You see, my hubby and I went away.
Yes, but you've got your full ration here, two
and tuppence on each book. What will it be?
I would like a nice bit of steak.
Oh, ho-ho-ho! A bit of steak, eh?
Nice bit of Veronica Lake. Now, let me see.
There we are.
That's three and four.
You'll have to have the rest in corned beef.
There we are. That's four and four.
Do you want your sausages?
Oh, yes, both of them, please.
There we are.
Mr Jones, have you got any kidney?
No, I'm afraid not, Mrs Fox.
You must have a little bit
tucked away somewhere?
No, not a bit, Mrs Fox, no.
Oh, well, I'll just have to make do
with what I've got, won't I?
- Well, bye-bye, Mr Jones.
- Bye-bye.
- By the way, I've brought that for you.
- Oh, what's this?
- Your favourite tobacco.
- Thank you very much, madam.
And I'll be in later in the week.
Yes, erm...
Raymond, hurry up with the brawn,
will you, please?
All right, Mr Jones.
Ah, hello. Take two and four, please!
Right... Take four and eight. That's right, take
four and eight! Good morning, Miss Meadows.
Good morning, Mr Jones.
- What's this?
- Just a little cake I made for your tea.
You are naughty.
You're using up all your points.
You can have any points you want,
you know, from me.
Eh?
What I mean is you deserve looking after.
After all, you do do your bit, you know.
You take care of us.
You take care of our insides as a butcher
and our outsides as a Home Guard.
Yes, quite. Hurry up with the brawn, please,
Raymond! What's it to be, Miss Meadows?
- I'll take it all in corned beef.
- All in corned beef? Righty oh, there we are.
- Would you like your sausage?
- Yes, I'll have my sausage.
Miss Meadows,
I wish all my ladies were as easy as you.
Well, I do try to please, Mr Jones.
Thank you so much.
- Take two and four, Miss Mortimer!
- Now...
Here's the brawn, Mr Jones.
- Oh, look!
- Oh, Mr Jones, I'll have some of that.
- Oh, look at that. It's lovely.
- Ladies!
There's only two ounces on each book.
- Not much meat in it, is there?
- This isn't on coupons.
- You can't look a gift-horse in the mouth.
- If it's horse, I don't want it!
- It's not horse, it's pork.
- You said it was horse.
I didn't. I said, ''You can't look a gift...''
Oh, never mind.
Excuse me, ladies. Excuse me.
Calm down, calm down, calm down.
- You know me. I'm here on business.
- And we all know what YOUR business is!
- Is that nice?
- Joe, what is it?
I want to have a word with you.
It's urgent and private.
We'd better go in the cold room.
Take over, Raymond.
Who's first, then?
Do you mind? I've got
a lot to do down the high street. Hurry up.
- Why did you bring me in 'ere? It's freezing.
- It's the only place we won't be overheard.
- Have you still got your delivery van?
- Yeah, it's in the back yard.
- Why, don't it go?
- Course it goes, but I can't get the petrol.
'Ere, listen, I've got an idea.
Why don't you loan it
to Captain Mainwaring as platoon transport?
Why?
Well, it's like this. Sometimes at night,
I have to transport certain things.
You see? If I'm driving an ordinary van,
I might get stopped.
But if I'm driving official transport
and I'm in uniform, I won't get stopped.
- Got it?
- Yeah, I got it all right.
What do I get out of it?
I thought that you might...
Do you have to have this place so cold?
It's according to the regulations.
Here, listen, if you let 'em have your van,
they'll have to g-give you
the p-petrol coupons for it.
Well, I thought you could get...petrol.
I-I can get p-petrol all right,
but I can't get the c-coupons.
You can't get 'em anywhere.
They're worth t-ten bob apiece.
Listen, anything I make,
I'll split fifty-fifty with you. All right?
Sounds a bit...dodgy to me, Joe.
D-Don't worry, Jonesy.
Leave it to your old p-pal Joe.
All right.
That's my Jonesy!
Sorry, mate.
Absolutely first-class. Splendid vehicle. This
must be a very proud moment for you, Corporal.
- Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
- We now have our own troop transport.
Now, listen, men, Corporal Jones and
Private Walker have worked practically non-stop
over the past three days to prepare this vehicle
and now Corporal Jones will explain their work.
I am the official driver.
Is that all right with you, Mr Mainwaring?
- Of course.
- Do you think that's wise, sir?
- We've got to let him drive it. It's his own van.
- I know it is, but I'm not too keen on the idea.
You're never too keen on anything,
are you, Sergeant? Carry on, Corporal.
All right, all round the back, please!
Step this way and I'll show you a few details.
Right...
Keep well back, so the officer can see.
It's an all-purpose vehicle.
First of all, it is an armoured car.
Note the sandbags. That makes it bulletproof.
It is also an ambulance.
Kindly note the racks for the stretchers.
It is also a troop transport. You sit on the floor.
It's gonna be cold sitting on those marble slabs.
It won't do me any good. The clinic said
I should never sit on anything cold.
- My mum won't like me sitting...
- All right, all right!
What is the purpose of these slabs, Corporal?
I've got these marbles down on the floor
in case we run into a landmine, you see?
It's protection from blast-up.
Mind you, they have to go back
in the shop in the morning, sir.
Well, it might be as well to dispense with
the slabs until we have an actual invasion, eh?
Now, what we have to do is to work out a drill,
so that the whole platoon
can embark and disembark.
- I've seen to that, sir. Can I show it to you?
- I can't wait to see it.
Now, battle section,
fall into one line, quick as you can.
All right, all right!
All right... All right, embark!
Left turn! One, two, three, one!
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right!
Now, sir, I want you to try and imagine
that this van is moving down the road.
Mr Wilson, if the van is moving,
I should be driving.
- Yes, of course you should. Off you go.
- I will be driving, sir.
- Should we imagine that the door is shut?
- Yes. Quick as you can, Godfrey. OK, Jonesy?
Right, sir. Vroom, vroom!
Rum-a-num-num! Rum-a-num-a-num!
Yeah, what is it now?
- Engine's going, sir. Num-num-num!
- All right. Off you go.
- Num-num-num!
- Now, sir...
Now, sir, as the men are inside,
the vehicle is now moving.
- Ready when you want to go, sir!
- All right, Jones.
- The vehicle is moving down the road.
- So I gathered, Wilson.
Right, enemy on the left, range 100 yards.
Five rounds rapid fire!
Open, two, three, out, two, three!
Bang, two, three, bang, two, three,
bang, two, three, bang, two, three!
Bang, two, three, in, two, three, shut!
Very good, isn't it? Right, enemy on the right,
range 150 yards, five rounds rapid fire!
Open, two, three, out, two, three!
Bang, two, three, bang, two, three, bang, two,
three, bang, two, three, bang, two, three!
In, two, three, shut!
Enemy dive bomber up ahead,
five rounds rapid fire!
Up, two, three, bang, two, three,
bang, two, three, bang, two, three!
Bang, two, three, bang, two, three, down!
Well done. All right. Disembark!
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left,
right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right!
One, two, three, one, two, three,
one, two, three, one, two, three, one!
There you are, sir. What did you think of that?
You never cease to amaze me, Wilson.
Well, sir, I really am rather keen.
I'm as keen as you are.
It's just that I have this difficulty in showing it.
Yes, I understand, Wilson.
- Vroom! Num-num!
- What's that peculiar noise?
I think it's Jones, sir. He gets rather excited.
Num-num-num!
All right, Jones, you can stop now!
Jones! Corporal Jones!
- Yes, sir?
- You can stop now.
- We're here.
- Right. Thank you, sir.
What's going on? I've never heard such a row!
- I'm trying to give a lecture.
- Nobody's stopping you.
How can I with you lot shouting ''bang, bang,
bang''? Are you playing cowboys and Indians?
We are testing our ambulance troop carrier.
- This is an ambulance?
- Of course. What else?
Looks to me very much like a butcher's van.
When does the horse arrive?
As an ambulance, this works extremely well.
- It's your lucky day, then.
- How?
Next Saturday, we're having
a large-scale air-raid practice
and we need all the extra available transport,
so report with your ambulance and six men
at two o'clock next Saturday to Percy Street.
- I presume you mean at 1400 hours?
- Yes, 1400 hours.
Well done, sir. You got it right.
Thank you, Wilson.
We'll show him how efficient we are.
Excuse me, sir, but about the petrol coupons,
it's gonna use up a fair bit of juice.
I'm glad you mentioned that
because we're going to convert it into gas.
- Gas?
- Yes, I telephoned GHQ and I explained it all.
They say that in order to save petrol,
we should take it to the RASC transport pool
and they'll convert it into gas,
so you can take it round right away.
And have it back here
in time for the air-raid practice on Saturday.
Carry on, please.
''I've got a good idea,'' he says.
''Lend the van to the platoon and we'll get
some free petrol coupons,'' he says.
It's not my fault, is it?
I'm not a clairvoyant, am I?
I mean, look at my van. Look what they've done
to it. What's this flipping great thing?
That takes the gas down to the engine.
Wherever I look, there's a great sagging bag.
Can't you take your mind off women
for a moment, mate?
What's this? What do you wanna keep
your bayonet on 'ere for?
You never know when we might need it.
''You never know when we might need it.''
Flipping thing!
You're bayonet barmy, mate!
You're not gonna meet
any fuzzy-wuzzies out here!
What's the matter with you?
I don't know. I feel sort of light-headed.
That's nothing new, is it?
What are you laughing at?
# I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls
# With a little hot oil and a feather
♪ And when I awoke, I found it no joke
He was tanning my... ♪
Hey, get out of here!
# Heil Hitler, ra-ra-ra
# Oh, what a funny little man you are
♪ With your little moustache
and your hair all blah, Heil Hitler, ra-ra-ra! ♪
Here, have you got a light, Jonesy?
There you are, Joe.
Thanks, mate.
♪ A long way from home... ♪
- It ain't half hot in 'ere!
- I don't know.
Well... Blimey, the van's on fire! Stop the van!
Look out! There's a great big hole in it!
It's all escaping! Do something, Joe!
What?
Do what that little Belgian boy did in Brussels!
- I can't do that in 'ere!
- Not that! Put your finger in the hole! Quick!
- Oh.
- Go on!
That's a Dutch boy, you silly old duffer!
♪ I came, I saw, I conquered
It's plain to see... ♪
Ah, there you are, at last!
Where have you been?
Well, we had a spot of trouble.
Where is everybody?
Captain Mainwaring couldnae wait. He's gone
to Percy Street with the rest of the party.
He wants you to follow on as soon as possible.
Jonesy, how long have I got
to have my finger stuck in this hole?
- Until the exercise is over.
- That gas bag looks a wee bit empty to me.
Blimey, Joe, we ain't half losing some gas!
Don't take your finger out that hole!
Remember that Belgian boy!
Dutch boy, you silly old mole!
There's no call for you to be nasty! What
are we gonna do? We've run out of a lot of gas.
Wait a minute, Jonesy. I've got an idea.
Why don't we take some gas
from the vicar's gas fire?
- How are you gonna do that?
- You'll see. Wait a minute.
Captain Mainwaring will do his nut if we're late.
It's all your fault!
If it hadn't been for your flipping bayonet,
none of this would've happened!
- Don't talk so silly.
- Here you are, Jonesy!
- Connect that up. I'll turn on the fire.
- Yeah, all right.
Got it?
Yeah. Good old Jock! What we English
would do without the brains of the Scots, eh?
- Go on, turn it on.
- Right on.
May I ask what you're doing here?
Me? I'm looking out of the window, sir.
Why is that hose attached to my gas fire?
Well, you see, it's like this.
Aye! You see yon big gas bag yonder?
- Yes.
- Well, we didnae know what to do with it.
We thought we would just fill up your gas fire.
Ah, most charitable, my friend, most charitable.
One up.
Right, stand well back!
There's nothing to see. Stand back!
- Most embarrassing! Where is Jones?
- Perhaps he ran out of petrol.
- It's been converted to gas.
- When will that ambulance get here?
- Any moment.
- I should hope so.
If this is a sample of your efficiency,
I don't think much of it. Stand back!
Arthur! I've been looking everywhere for you.
You forgot to give me the housekeeping money.
Mavis, not now. Can't you see we're busy?
I can't help that. I've got to do the shopping.
- Lie down beside that old man.
- Certainly not!
- You're one of the casualties?
- No, I'm not.
Get out of the way with the others!
She won't lie back anywhere
until she's finished talking to me!
- Well done, Wilson.
- Thank you, sir.
Mavis, do you think L2 would be enough?
Yes, of course. You know,
he's a wonderful man, Mr Mainwaring.
- Yes, all right, Mavis.
- I've never seen such chaos!
- Here it is now.
- Thank goodness!
- It's about time, too.
- Whoa!
Right, get him on the stretcher and in the
ambulance. I'm going down to the next street.
I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring. I'm sorry, sir.
We had a spot of trouble.
Nothing like the trouble we've had here!
Godfrey, Pike, get this man on to the stretcher!
Quickly as you can, then take it round
to the back of the van. Come on now.
Right, lift.
Oh, I beg your pardon!
Godfrey, pick it up! He's only a little old man.
- He's not so old as I am.
- Frazer, take over!
Out of the way, Grandpa!
- Right, come on. Round the back of the van!
- Round the back!
Right, open the doors, Corporal.
- I can't, sir. It's locked.
- Who locked it?
- I did, sir.
- What on earth for?
I didn't want anyone pinching my marbles, sir.
- Unlock it at once.
- Yes, sir. I haven't got the key, sir.
- Oh, for heaven's sake! Where is the key?
- It's back at the shop, sir.
- Go and get it at once!
- Yes, sir.
- And Jones, take that bike!
- Yes, right, sir.
Sir, there's a wee door behind the driver's seat.
Can we not get him in maybe through there?
- Yes, pick him up. Give them a hand, Wilson.
- All right.
- Up!
- Right, come on.
- Round this end!
- Pike, Pike, be careful with that!
Sorry, sir.
Up your end, Mr Frazer!
You can't put him through there.
Put him through the window!
That's it. Down a bit.
Get him up! Get him up!
Take him off, take him off!
- Over this way!
- Get him off!
- Get him off.
- Get him off the stretcher.
Up you come, up you come, that's it.
Bend his legs. Frazer, bend his legs!
- Did you tell your bloke to take my bike?
- Yes. What about it?
You can't take private property!
This is an emergency. I'm a captain
in the Home Guard. Bend him round!
- Go away, will you?
- No, I will not!
- What are you doing to that poor old man?
- Mind your own business!
- We ought to get the seat out first, sir.
- Get the seat out first.
We can't do it!
- That's it.
- We can't get him...
- Permission to speak, sir!
- What is it?
- I've got the key, sir.
- Ah, the key. Get him round the back!
Round the back. Come on!
You're a bunch of raving lunatics!
I'm gonna get the police.
Oi! Where are you going without the stretcher?
You can't put him in there without this!
What is the matter with you?
Come on! Dear, oh, dear!
Driver, I'll give you the signal
when we're ready. Two bangs, boom, boom!
When you're ready, give me the signal.
Two bangs!
- Right, are you ready?
- Yeah.
Right!
Wait, Jonesy!
- Oi!
- What's up?
That wasn't the signal. The door was stuck.
- It sounded like the signal.
- You old fool! This is the signal.
I'll walk to the flipping hospital!