Dad's Army (1968–1977): Season 2, Episode 1 - Operation Kilt - full transcript

Ah, there you are, sir.
You left the bank a bit early, didn't you?

- Yes, I had a lot of paperwork.
- So I see.

- I've finished it now.
- I just wondered why you left by the back door.

- Is there any reason why I shouldn't?
- No, sir. As you were going out the back door,

I happened to see Mr Green from head office
coming through the front door.

What did he want?

He's taken rather a dim view
about all those ministry posters in the bank.

- Doesn't he know there's a war on?
- He seems to think they clash with our posters.

- Really?
- Yes.

Underneath one of ours saying,
"Let us invest your money",

you put one which says, "Trust no one.
Careless talk costs lives."



- It's an unfortunate coincidence.
- You put, "Don't be a squanderbug like me"

underneath the portrait of the founder of the bank.

I can't be bothered with all this rubbish.

- Some fool set a booby trap up there, sir.
- I did, Corporal.

- Good idea, sir. Good idea.
- Can I help you?

- Ooh, thank you.
- What is it you wanted, Corporal?

I want to be the first to bring you
the good news. Meat ration's gone up, sir.

- From one and ten to two and tuppence.
- Thank you, Corporal Jones. That's a comfort.

Butter's gone down to two ounces.

You can still have eight ounces of fat ration -
six ounces of marge and two of butter,

or four ounces of marge,
two of cooking fat, two of butter,

or four ounces of cooking fat and four of marge,

or three ounces of cooking fat and two of butter,

or you can have four ounces of cooking fat,
four ounces of marge and...



- Eight ounces of marge, if you like.
- Thank you, Jones. It's very nice of you.

- This came for you at the bank after you'd left.
- Or six of cooking fat...

All right. Thank you, Jones. Listen to this, Wilson.

"All Home Guard units
will do 15 minutes' PT before parade."

- That'll get rid of the excess fat.
- You can't have any excess fat!

All right. Now, we start tonight.

- Who's going to take us?
- I am. The instructions are here.

Parade the men in the yard.
Nothing like fresh air for PT. And Corporal?

- Yes, sir.
- Tell the men to strip off.

- I beg your pardon, sir?
- Strip off.

- Certainly, sir.
- Not in here! Get out!

- For heaven's sake, Jones. Tell the men.
- Right, sir.

Captain Ogilvy of the Highland regiment
is due here at 1930 hours

to brief us about
the Saturday night manoeuvres, sir.

1930? I see, well that will be about, er...

- 7.30, sir.
- Yes, yes. I know.

- It's only 6.30. Plenty of time.
- Sir, you don't know anything about PT.

When we took arms, there were a lot of things
we didn't know anything about.

- I've never let you down yet, have I?
- Well, I...

All right. That'll be all. Parade outside.

Right, this is an order.

- Captain Mainwaring wants you to strip off.
- Strip off? For what?

- You're gonna take some PT.
- He can't strip off.

It's only his clothes that's keeping him
from falling apart.

I'm not stripping off.
People can see us from the road.

- Listen, Joe. I don't want any insubordination.
- Aye aye, watch it.

Platoon, 'shun!

- Why aren't the men ready, Corporal?
- Well, sir...

I'm ready, sir.

- Stand the men at ease, Sergeant.
- Platoon, stand at ease.

Pay attention, men. If we're going
to beat the Hun, we've got to be fit.

Clean bodies and clean minds. I've never
asked you to do anything I wouldn't do myself.

On the command "strip off",
we all strip off together.

- Permission to speak, sir.
- Yes, Corporal.

- It's a bit chilly. Couldn't we strip off inside?
- Certainly not.

If you're cold, start running on the spot.
Right, strip!

- I can see you're naval, Taff!
- Eh?

No laughing matter, Joe.
That cost me a lot of money, that did.

'Ere, what's this one? A football result.
Scotland four...?

Scotland Forever, you ignorant Sassenach!

- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes, Godfrey?

- Do you require me to remove my binder, sir?
- Oh, Godfrey!

- Remove your what?
- My flannel binder.

Do you wish me to take it off?

Yes, yes. Take it off.

- Would you be kind enough to hold this pin?
- Oh, keep it on! We'll be here all day!

- Look at those hairy chests!
- Who said that?

- Those naughty boys in the churchyard.
- Tell them to clear off.

Yes. Clear off. Clear off at once, you...boys.

Why aren't you
taking your clothes off as well?

Yes, why aren't you... Go away! You wouldn't
be laughing if the Nazis were here.

- No, but the Nazis would!
- If you don't go, I'll clear the churchyard.

All right, baldy! Keep your shirt on!

Speak to Mrs Beckworth.

- Keep that ginger one in after school.
- Yes.

- Now, men...
- Mr Mainwaring, I'm sorry to interrupt you.

- Why have you got your clothes off?
- Oh, Mavis. We're busy.

- We're about to do some PT.
- Oh. Evening, Mr Jones.

- Evening, Mrs Pike.
- Don't let my Frank stand around too long.

- Don't want him to start again with his chest.
- He'll soon warm up.

- Why have you still got your tunic on, Arthur?
- Yes, why?

- I don't think it would be good for discipline.
- What?

It's a bit embarrassing, sir,
but I've got a rather nasty hole in my vest.

You didn't put that vest on again?
I told you to leave it for me to mend!

- Mavis, not so loud.
- Take the tunic and vest off together.

Then no one'll notice. You've got nothing
to be ashamed of with your body, Arthur!

- He's got a lovely physique when he strips off.
- Mavis, please!

- Arthur! Take that vest off!
- Well, it's a bit chilly out here.

- Stop showing me up. Put your hand over it.
- All right.

- What do you want, Mrs Pike?
- I nearly forgot.

I think this is part of Frank's gun. Is it important?

Yes, Mrs Pike. It is. Very important.

- What's this, Pike?
- A rifle bolt, sir.

I know what it is, you stupid boy!
It belongs to your rifle.

- I left it out while I was cleaning me gun, sir.
- I washed it up with the tea things.

No harm's done. Don't let him stand around
without his jacket for too long, Mr Mainwaring.

I'll speak to you later, Pike. Now, don't lose it.

Perhaps we can start.
You can stop now, Corporal. Feeling warmer?

Yes, sir. Dizzy, but warmer.

- See that he doesn't keel over, Walker.
- Right-o, sir.

- Have you got the manual?
- There.

Here we are. "Deep breathing.
Legs apart, hands on hips, chest out."

"Breathe in through the nose
and out through the mouth." Got that?

- Yes, sir.
- Right. Deep breathing...

- Godfrey.
- Yes, sir?

- Both hands on the hips.
- Oh. I'm sorry, sir.

- In... Out...
- Ah...

- In... Out...
- Ah...

Oi, what's that funny smell?

It's fresh air.

- Out...
- Ha...

- Right. Stand to attention.
- Ha...

- Corporal. Corporal! We've finished that.
- Sorry, sir.

"Jumping astride with the feet and arms
at the same time." Like this.

- Shall I hold the manual for you, sir?
- That's a good idea, Sergeant. Right.

Jumping astride, commence.

One...

Keep it still. Don't keep jogging the book
up and down. I can't read it.

It's not the book jogging up and down. It's you.

Platoon, halt! Halt.

- I bet you feel better for that.
- Oh, yes. Much better, sir.

- What's next?
- Er, next, sir... Press-ups are next.

Oh. All right.

On the floor. On the ground. Down. Face down.

On the command "one",
raise yourselves on your arms and hold it.

On the command "two",
lower yourselves to the ground.

One.

Can I help you, sir?

Two!

One.

Two.

- One.
- All right, all right.

- All right. On your feet.
- I think it's, er...

- Circum-rotary trunk movements are next, sir.
- Let the men get their breath back.

Some of them are not used to
this sort of thing. Jones...?

Jones! What are you doing down there?
Get up.

- I'm sorry, sir. I must have dozed off.
- I was right, sir.

- Circum-rotary trunk movements are next.
- I'll decide what's next.

- All that flipping up and down, you see.
- All right, Corporal.

We'll just finish off with a simple exercise.
Touching the toes ten...five...four times.

Arms above the head. Right.

- Ow! Ow!
- Are you all right, sir?

- My lumbago. I'm stuck.
- Jones, get a chair, quickly.

- Shall I get a doctor?
- No. Quickly.

- Better get a new PT instructor.
- Sit down quietly.

- I'll get some brown paper and a hot iron, sir.
- No! I'll be all right.

As long as I stay in this position.
I'll just walk up and down once or twice.

- Which is Captain Mainwaring?
- I'm Captain Mainwaring.

Captain Ogilvy, the Highlanders.

- How do you do?
- Are you in trouble, Captain?

Lumbago. He was giving us a PT exercise
and he got stuck.

I see. Well, we'll soon fix that.

- Two six. Ha!
- Ah!

Better? Good.

- Right. Let's get down to business.
- Fall the men in, Sergeant.

Right, sir. Fall in, will you please?
In, er... Fall in, three rows.

Ranks.

Now, then, men, and Captain Mainwaring,
let's get down to business.

The scheme is this. A sergeant and nine men
will attempt to capture your headquarters.

They will start from my headquarters
at Manor Farm, three miles away,

infiltrate through the town and, as I say,
attempt to capture your headquarters here.

Now, as you outnumber us three to one,
I don't suppose you're worried.

But let me remind you, Captain Mainwaring,
my men are professional soldiers,

one hundred per cent fit,
so you'd best look out for yourselves.

Now, then, pay attention. This is important.
Each side will carry three colours of paint.

Namely, red for dead, blue for wounded,
white for prisoners.

If a man is wounded and captured, he gets
a dab of blue paint and a dab of white paint.

If there's any dispute, call for me. I shall carry
a tin of pink paint and a tin of yellow paint.

If I decide he is wounded, not dead,
I give him one dash of pink paint.

On the other hand, if I think he's dead,
not wounded, he gets two dabs of pink paint.

Then again, of course, if he's not dead,
not wounded, not prisoner,

he gets one dab of yellow paint
that cancels out the whole thing. Understood?

Right, now. The scheme will commence
at 2200 hours. Any questions?

- Ten o'clock.
- That's what I said. 2200 hours.

Until then, I'll be at my headquarters
at Manor Farm.

Meantime, Captain,
I suggest that you carry on with your PT.

Because, judging by the looks
of your men, they're very much in need of it.

- They're all pretty fit, you know, sir.
- Really?

- You, lad. What age are you?
- 17, sir.

So, in a couple of years,
you'll be joining the army.

- Oh, no, sir. I want to join the navy.
- You're puny-looking for a lad your age.

- Round-shouldered.
- I'm fighting fit, sir.

Are you, now?
Very well, we'll see just how fit you are.

Tense your stomach muscles, laddie.

I'm going to give you a wee tap
in the solar plexus to test it. Right?

Was that all right, sir?

Excellent.

Very good, Captain. You can carry on.

You stood up to that well. You'd think
your stomach muscles were made of steel.

Not me stomach muscles, sir,
but me rifle bolt is.

All right, get dressed, men.

Then gather round.

We're up against a formidable opponent.

- Any suggestions how we tackle this problem?
- Just one thing worrying me, sir.

- I feel a bit of a traitor.
- In what way?

I'm a Highlander, too. I feel I'm fighting
my own kith and kin, as it were.

Don't be absurd. They're only acting
the part of the enemy. We're all British.

When the Hun comes, whether you're wearing
a kilt or trousers, he'll still try to kill you.

If it's a dark night and you're wearing a kilt,
he might get other ideas!

- Permission to speak, sir.
- Corporal.

They're coming to try and capture
our headquarters, right?

- Yes, right.
- Well, why don't we move our headquarters?

So when they come here, we won't be here,

and they won't know
where our whereabouts are, sir.

I don't think that's quite the idea, Jones.

Why don't we send somebody into the enemy
camp to find out what their plans are?

Good idea.
We could dress Frazer up as a Scotsman.

I AM a Scotsman.

As it's a farm,
couldn't we disguise someone as a land girl?

Are you volunteering?

We gotta disguise ourselves as something
that won't look out of place on a farm.

- Such as what?
- You leave it to me, sir.

Platoon, platoon, attention!

All present and correct, sir,
excepting Frazer and Walker, sir.

- Where are they?
- They're involved in a bit of a scheme, sir.

They're coming here now.

Left, right, left, right, left, halt.

- Halt!
- Good God!

It won't work, Walker.

- What did you say, sir?
- It won't work. Take that stupid head off!

Use your intelligence, Walker. You don't think
anybody would pass you for a real cow?

No, you don't understand, sir. My plan
is to get mixed up with a flock of other cows.

It still wouldn't work. Men, fall in inside the hall.
Take that back to the choir room.

- Yes, sir.
- Vicar will be absolutely furious.

He just lives for that scout pantomime.
"Jack And The Beanstalk" this year.

- His Reverence makes a marvellous dame.
- Bit too lifelike for my money.

- What did he say?
- Same as usual. It won't work.

- How can we find out if we don't try?
- That's the spirit, Taffy.

Tell you what, you and me meet up
tomorrow night, about half past five.

Cheerio for now.

Oi! Keep in touch!

Well, now, men. Pay attention.

Here is a rough plan of our position.

Headquarters here. Now, as you can see,
the enemy can come at us from all sides.

- Quite, sir. It's going to be a bit of a job, sir...
- Don't worry! You'll be all right!

You were right, sir. It didn't work.

- What happened?
- Well, we got near the farm all right.

Everything was going lovely.
Then we had to cross this field.

Somebody spotted you?

Well, there was a bull in the field, sir.

Terrible. A terrible experience, sir.

It wasn't as bad as all that.

You were at the front.

All right, Walker. I'll leave you to explain
to the vicar how you ruined his cow skin.

- Where was I?
- We haven't enough men to go round.

We've got to find some way to get
into that farm. Let's keep very cool and think.

What examples can we draw
from great military campaigns of the past?

For instance,
what position would Napoleon have taken?

Well, he used to stand something like this, sir.

- Thank you, Corporal.
- How about the Trojan horse, sir?

Trojan horse?

Horse? I'm not gonna be the back end of that one!

If we could get some sort of vehicle
that wouldn't look out of place...

There we are, sir.

Well done, Wilson.
How did you get it here so quickly?

- It came from Mr Blake's farm.
- I know him. He banks with us.

Remember he asked for an overdraft and you
refused? I told him you'd changed your mind.

- You'd no business to exceed your authority.
- Who are we trying to help?

We might as well use it.
We need somebody to hide in the hay.

- Permission to speak, sir.
- Corporal?

- I'd like to hide in that hay.
- I think we ought to have a younger man.

Pike, you'll do. Wilson, as you drove it here,
you drive it into the farmyard.

- One thing. They'll recognise you at once.
- No, they won't. Excuse me one moment.

- Pike, in you go. Don't argue. Get in.
- But, sir...

- But Mum said...
- Help him. Get him well covered up.

- I can't do that...
- That's it. Pile it over him.

- Now what's the matter?
- I was trying to tell you, sir.

I've got this terrible hay fever.

Permission to speak, sir. Let me go in.

All right. Seeing as you're so keen. Go on.
Just a minute. How are you going to breathe?

- A piece of rubber tubing, sir?
- That's a good idea. Get the stirrup pump.

Come on. Help him, men.
Over you go. That's it.

- Here we are, sir.
- Thank you, Godfrey.

Here you are, Jones.
Put the other end of that tube in your mouth.

- All right, sir.
- That should do the trick. Carry on.

- Where did you get that stuff?
- The same place as the cow skin, sir.

I don't know what the vicar'll say.
If you're challenged, don't say anything.

- All right, sir.
- Just shake your head and say, "Arrr!"

- I know all about that, sir.
- Go on. Try it.

I suppose that'll have to do. Jones!

Jones, can you hear me? I want you to listen
to everything that's said and remember it.

Can you hear that?

Jones!

Jones, can you hear...?

He's got no air. He's suffocated.

- Mr Jones! Get him out!
- Quickly!

- He's not there.
- Good heavens! Where's he gone to?

What is it...? Jones! Where have you been?

I fell through the bottom of the cart, sir.

Put the plan on the back of the cart, here.

Now, then, men. Pay attention. This is the plan.

The scheme is to commence at 2200 hours,
but we shall move out at 2100 hours.

Now, we'll skirt the town
and move through the woods, here.

We cannot emerge from the woods this side,
as we might be spotted crossing the road.

However, at the bottom of the woods,
there are cliffs leading to the beach.

We shall descend by means of ropes,
which we'll bring with us.

We'll move quickly along the beach
and rendezvous under the pier.

Then, at 2200 hours,
we'll move smartly up the street

and capture the enemy HQ.

Understood? Now, as I said before,
the scheme is to commence at 2200 hours.

And five minutes later,
we shall have taken over the enemy HQ.

There are three major points of this operation.

Namely, the beach...here!

- Uh!
- The pier...here!

And, last but not least, the final objective, here!

Well, I just hope this idea of yours
is going to work, sir.

- It worked in the Tarzan film I saw.
- Mm.

- Dirty rotters, turning up an hour earlier.
- All's fair in love and war!

Here we are, sir.

Right.

- We've got the paint, sir.
- Good, Corporal.

Look, the plan again. There are eight paths
through these woods, all covered by mantraps.

The enemy runs along the path, gets his foot
in the noose, somebody pulls the rope.

- Up he goes, feet first.
- Have you seen this thing work?

- Of course.
- In a Tarzan film.

- In a Tar...
- What about the paint, then, sir?

Ah, yes. Red for wounded.

No, no, sir. Red for dead and blue for wounded.

No, Mr Mainwaring.
It's white for wounded and dead for yellow.

- Why not give 'em a bit of each, to make sure?
- Good idea, Pike. Initiative!

- I saw that in a Laurel and Hardy film.
- We saw it together, remember?

There's an hour to go, so we'd better take up
our positions. Walker, Jones, over here.

This way, Jones. Your position.

You're responsible for guarding this path.
The rest of you, follow me.

Right, sir.

- Joe.
- Hello.

- Joe!
- What?

- Can you hear anything?
- No.

- Neither can I.
- What are you on about, you silly old duffer?

- You might be able to hear something I can't.
- Well, I can't.

I heard that. 'Ere, come on. Stand by.

It's gone a bit quiet.

Eh! Help!

- That's one!
- Argh!

- Two.
- Argh!

Three...four...

Five...six...

- Argh!
- Seven. We're next. Stand by.

- Maybe they took the wrong turning.
- Sh! I'm trying to listen!

- Good night's work, men.
- Ooh, you didn't 'alf start us up, sir.

- What happened?
- We've got all the men taken prisoner!

- Quiet.
- Perhaps he doesn't know where the trap is.

If he knew where it was,
he wouldn't come into it. Down!

Permission to speak, sir. I've got an idea, sir.

I go in the woods and decoy myself
and they will follow me and then...

- And then what?
- Then they fall into the trap, sir.

- Very good idea, Corporal.
- Thank you, sir.

Sir, I want to tell you something. When those
two bodies come crashing through the bushes,

don't forget to let the first one go by,
for that will be me.

- Off you go, Corporal, and good luck.
- Thank you, sir.

- No doubt about it. That man's got guts.
- Plain foolhardy, I'd have thought, sir.

Stand by with your paintbrushes.

Be quiet. Stand by. They're coming.

Don't forget, let Jones go by.

Oi-oi! Over here!

Right, men. Pull!

Get him down, quickly. It's Jones. Get him down.

Jones! It's Jonesy.

- You made a bloomer.
- All right, Jones?

- I don't understand. Who was the first man?
- That was me.

Yes, Captain. I must congratulate you.
You nearly out-smarted us.

- You were supposed to...
- Stand back. This is war.

I'm afraid it's red paint for all.
You there, give me that paint.

- Sir.
- On second thoughts, I'll get it myself.

Good Lord!

Yes, Wilson. Now we really know
what they wear underneath.