Dad's Army (1968–1977): Season 1, Episode 2 - Museum Piece - full transcript

May 15th is a very special day
for Britain's citizen army, the LDV.

Though it's only a few days
since they answered their country's call,

after brief inspection the men move off to prepare an ambush
for an enemy armoured car.

Shortage of weapons is no handicap.

Everything that can be used to harass
the enemy is pressed into service.

The men are veterans of many campaigns,
but now they're fighting for their homeland,

and they know every street, every bush
and every inch of their own country.

For strenuous exercises like these,

the men must be really fit.

Of one thing we can be sure –
if Hitler tries any of his tricks here,

Britain's Local Defence Volunteers
will not be caught with their pants down.



The manager's late.

Perhaps the LDV manoeuvres yesterday
were too much for him.

– You're just playing soldiers.
– Let me tell you that...

Morning. Has Mr Mainwaring
signed the reconciliations?

– They're in the out tray, sir.
– Mr Mainwaring's morning mail is on my desk. Would you get it?

– Oh, Lord. Dear, oh, dear.
– Morning, Pike.

We're not spreading alarm
and despondency, are we, Wilson?

– It doesn't look too good to me. Have a look.
– You're right. It doesn't.

General Gort is letting the Boche
extend his lines of communication,

and then, bang – right in the soft underbelly.

That's funny. Someone told Mrs Pike that.

That sounds like another case
of careless talk to me.

– Sit down, Wilson.
– Thank you, sir.

I wanted to have a chat
about yesterday's manoeuvres.



We learnt some valuable lessons, I think,

but we didn't get the unthinking obedience
required for an efficient fighting unit.

– I wouldn't say that.
– When I gave the order to cross the river,

– did I get unthinking obedience?
– Some men had a thought or two about it.

Precisely. And more over.

– And some put their thoughts into words.
– Did they, sir?

When I gave the order to cross the river,
someone said, "Get stuffed".

– It was probably that bolshie Scotsman, sir.
– It was an English voice.

Yes, well...

He's very crafty, sir, you know. Very conniving.

– I'll watch him, sir.
– Whoever said it, nobody crossed the river.

Yes, well...some of us
were wearing our best clothes.

– You weren't in your best suit.
– It was my father's suit. I'm fond of it.

Actually, Pike attempted it and fell.

Be that as it may, I would have welcomed
co–operation from you as my second in command.

– But I was the first person to cross the bridge.
– I told you it was demolished.

– But it wasn't, was it?
– We were pretending it was.

We all pretended it was demolished.

We just used it to help us

pretend that we were crossing the river
without getting wet.

Anyway, when we get our uniforms,

you'll be able to send us charging
through every river in the county.

I'll remember that, Sergeant.

– Any news of the uniforms, sir?
– Another six weeks at least. And the rifles.

I see. Six weeks. So, until then, we fight
Hitler's parachutists with one shotgun,

15 carving knives,

and Lance Corporal Jones's assegai?

– You forgot Bracewell's number 3 iron.
– He'd do better to take a wood, sir.

– Here's the post, sir.
– Thank you, Pike.

– Well, you survived your ducking yesterday.
– When I got home, I wallowed in a hot bath.

"Wallowed"? That's not very patriotic.
You're only allowed six inches of bath water.

I worked out that you're allowed
seven six–inch baths a week,

so that means 42 inches of water.

I do better than that. I have
two 15–inch baths, and I save 12 inches.

Save your mathematics for your work, Pike.
That's all.

Oh, dear. Another account closed for the duration.

– What one's that?
– Peabody Museum of Historical Army Weapons.

The curator has joined the navy.

The museum is closed, and he wants
the funds transferred to a deposit account.

– Make a note of that.
– All right, sir. What was the name, sir?

Peabody Museum of Historical Army Weapons.

All right, sir. I'll see to that.

– Excuse me. Did you say "army weapons"?
– Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

– I doubt it, sir.
– They might be of use to us.

I wouldn't get too excited if I were you. Their
chief exhibit is a replica of Boadicea's chariot.

– They go up to the Crimean and the Boer war.
– That's no use to us.

The army hasn't changed the pattern
of its rifle since they threw out the flintlock.

What do you think they used
to relieve Ladysmith?

– I really hadn't given it much thought.
– Carbines. .303 carbines. Or I'm a Dutchman.

– All right, sir. I'll get in touch with GHQ.
– No, Wilson.

We can't wait for all those reams
of bumf to come through from GHQ.

Before another dawn breaks,
the sky may be black with parachutists.

We must have those weapons
in our hands today. Pike! Get a handcart.

– Where from?
– A builder's yard, greengrocer's, Boy Scouts.

– Use your initiative.
– Yes, sir.

Move, boy! Sergeant, parade the men
at 1600 hours, ready to move off.

– The shops don't close until 5.30.
– They can still be ready by six.

That would be 1800 hours, sir.

– All right. 1800 hours. 0peration Gun Grab.
– I'll see to it, sir.

There is just one thing – if we just breeze
along into this museum and take these guns,

won't that be stealing?

– There's a war on, Wilson!
– I'm fully aware of that.

– Nevertheless, it is still stealing.
– I'm a commissioned officer.

I shall requisition what weapons
I think fit for the defence of this town.

Take this down. "Under the emergency
powers vested in me by the king,

"I, Captain George Mainwaring, hereby
requisition such weapons as I think fit..."

Mum, I wish you hadn't come.
You're making me look such a fool.

I don't care. You're not coming home
like you did on Sunday.

Wading through rivers indeed!
Mr Mainwaring ought to be ashamed of himself.

Good evening, gents – and lady.

I've got a few essential items here that are
in short supply in the shops. Come over here.

I've got hairgrips and chocolate biscuits,
and some elastic.

– How much?
– Five bob a yard.

Five bob a yard. Not bad, is it?
It's so long since it's been in the shops,

you ladies must have been getting
a bit desperate.

Evening, all. Here you are –
there's your chump chop.

I'll get the money off you in a minute.
Mr Godfrey, here's your sausages.

– What on earth is going on in here?
– It's all right, Sergeant. We're distributing a few essential supplies.

Schweinhund Englander!
Deutschland Uber alles! Achtung!

Bang! You fools!
You're dead, every one of you!

– That is a German grenade.
– Is it?

I am a German paratrooper,
and you are all dead.

– Now, why wasn't a sentry posted?
– We're not due to start for another five minutes.

That's right, sir. We wasn't ready.

The Nazi hordes aren't going to wait
till you're ready!

Mr Mainwaring, I'm not having my Frank
coming home wet through again.

– Are you wading through any more rivers?
– We may, if Hitler flings himself upon us.

Well, if he does, you expect it then,

but you don't expect him
to jump into water just to please you!

– I'm surprised no one told you to get...
– They did, Mrs Pike.

– Shall I get the men to fall in?
– Thank you, sir.

Would you mind, all of you,
just falling in in three neat rows?

I'll be off, then, Mr Mainwaring.

– Don't be late tonight, Arthur.
– Later, Mavis, please.

At ease, everybody. Squad, come on.

Squad, attention!

Where's he got to?

– The men are all present and correct, sir.
– Bailey's not present and correct, sir.

I've got him in the shop counting coupons.

Otherwise, had I not done so, furthermore,
I would not also be here present.

We always count the coupons on Monday.

We always count the coupons on Monday,
otherwise there wouldn't be no meat.

– Stand the men at ease.
– All right, sir.

Would you mind just standing...
standing at ease?

Keep it in the form of an order, Wilson.

– Platoon, stand at...ease!
– Excuse me, sir...

– They ARE at ease already, sir.
– Stand easy.

I won't beat about the bush, men.

We will requisition the arms we need from the
Peabody Museum of Historical Army Weapons.

Permission to speak, sir.
They won't let you have nothing there, sir.

Why not? The museum is closed.
There's only some old fool of a caretaker there.

That's my father.

– Really?
– Your dad? Blimey! He must be getting on.

What do you mean? He's only 88.

He was very young when he had me. He got
married again last year for the third time.

Between you and me, I think he had to.

We shall put in an official requisition.
Anyway, he's too old to stop us.

– I shouldn't rely on that, sir. He can get pretty ugly when he's roused.
– It runs in the family.

– I'll have you for insubordination.
– That'll do, Corporal.

Well, there's one thing. He's certainly
had it for offal, I can tell you that.

– I was only joking.
– Be quiet in the ranks!

Pike, did you get the handcart?

No, sir, but Henry's lending us
his horse and milk float.

– Who?
– Henry, the milkman.

Really? That's very generous of him.

He's come himself, sir.
He's sitting on the steps over there.

That's right.

You see, Flash, that's my horse,
he won't shift for no one else but me.

Oh, I see. Capital!

Right. Fall the men in outside, Sergeant,

and quick march to the Peabody Museum.

Squad, halt!

Get in a line, all of you.

Quick march!

Left, left... Squad, halt!

Quick march!

Left...left, right, left.

Why are there so many hold–ups?

It's our regular round, you see.

He normally stops at every house.

Come on, Flash. Come on.
I think something's upset him.

See, I always carry a basket of milk round.

Come on, Flash. Come on.

Squad, halt! Fall out.

Sergeant Wilson, ring the bell.

– I think it's stuck, sir.
– Well, give it a jerk.

Gorblimey! Now look what you've done, sir.

When my dad sees this,
he'll go absolutely beresk.

– Shove it back, Wilson.
– Do try and shove it back, sir. Please.

Now look what you've done, sir.

When he sees that,
he'll go off properly, he will, sir.

– He'll get ugly, won't he (?)
– Don't you start on me!

I can hear someone coming.

I think you'd better let me talk to him.

– What do you want?
– Hello, Dad. It's me. Young Jack.

– Took you long enough to come round.
– Don't be like that. There's a war on.

– There's a what?
– There's a war on!

Oh. I wondered what the noise was.

– How's Elsie?
– Well, it's her legs, you see.

– Her what?
– Her legs are troubling her!

They never troubled nobody else.

Great, fat, bulging things – like an elephant.

There's no need to get personal
about our Elsie. We never done you no harm.

You never done me no good neither!

You never deserved no good,
you randy old drunk!

– You always did get ugly!
– You're the one getting ugly!

Corporal! I'll take over here.

– I've come to requisition some weapons.
– Who are you?

Captain Mainwaring. I'm the bank manager.

Captains don't manage banks.

If you ask anybody in the town,
they'll tell you that I'm the manager.

You're a liar! I've been going to that bank
for years. You never served me.

– I'm in my office at the back.
– Afraid to show your face, eh?

Well, you won't get nothing from me, so clear off!

Mr Jones! Open this door at once!

I told you he'd get ugly.

By the powers vested in me by King
George VI, I demand you open this door!

It's no good mentioning King George VI.
He still thinks Queen Victoria's the king.

All right. You've asked for it. Very well, men.

– We shall have to force our way in.
– Do you think we should?

– I'll take full responsibility.
– Sir! Look what we found. A scaling ladder.

There's a load of stuff round the back –
battering rams, catapults...

Couldn't we catapult someone onto the roof?

Are you volunteering, Godfrey?

I thought a young gentleman
might be more suitable.

We'll save that as a last resort.
Put the ladder up against the wall.

Now, then, Sergeant Wilson, you will follow me.

I shall lead the assault, and the troops will follow.

Are you all right, sir?

Not very safe, is it?

Well, what do you expect? It's 300 years old.

Did you say there was a battering ram? Around a corner?

– Yes, sir, there is.
– Come along, men. Follow your commander.

Charge!

Charge!

Charge!

Ladder against the wall, men.

– Sergeant, take the men up.
– Corporal, take the men up.

Sorry, you'll have to have it cold.

Quiet, everybody. Stand to attention.
Commanding officer.

Stand easy.

Well, men, we've tried force.
Now we're going to try cunning.

We proceed to the museum.
We conceal ourselves by the front door.

Then Private Frazer,
disguised as an ARP warden,

will knock on the door until that old fool...
until Corporal Jones's father answers.

You'll tell him that he's showing a light.
When he comes out to see where it is,

we will go in and shut the door behind him.

– Supposing he doesn't open the door?
– We must make him open the door.

– That's what we were trying to do earlier on.
– Permission to speak, sir!

Why don't you show him
half a bottle of whisky?

That will ameliate him
and stop him from getting ugly.

– I'm sure it will. Where will we get the whisky?
– Hang on a tick.

There you go. 30 bob.

It's only 15 in the shops!

Yeah, but you can't get it in the shops, can you?

– Very well. Hand it over.
– There you are, Taffy.

I'll put it on your account.

– Don't keep looking at it like that.
– Sorry, sir. I can't help it.

You're not to drink any,
not unless you're absolutely forced.

Trust me. I won't take a drop
except in the line of duty, sir.

Remember, Frazer. It's your job
to keep George Jones occupied

while we go into the museum
and get what weapons we need.

We'll then load them on the transport.
Did you get that scout cart?

– Yes, sir.
– Good, good. Who's this?

That's the patrol leader.
He's got to come with us.

He's not allowed to let the cart out of his sight.

I see.

Synchronise your watches, gentlemen.

The time is now 1700 and...

No, 1900 and...

The time is now 9.15.

That's two whiskers
past Mickey Mouse's nose.

If everything goes well this evening,
gentlemen, the platoon will be fully armed.

Remember, men, keep yourselves well hidden.

Frazer, tell him he's showing a light.

No, no...

– What do you want?
– ARP Warden. You've a light showing.

– No, I have not.
– Come outside and see for yourself!

I'm not opening the door in my nightshirt.

I didn't know you had a door in your nightshirt.

Ha, ha (!) You ought to be with ITMA! Buzz off!

– Is that whisky?
– Just to keep the cold out.

A nip now and then. Like some?

Yeah, I'll have a drop.

– Open the door and come out first.
– Hold on.

Where's the whisky?

– Now, where's this flamin' light?
– This way. Come on. I'll show you.

You look after the cart!

There's no light showing!
Look there. Can you not see?

I'm going in.

I can't open the door.

I'm going to catch a cold. A–choo!

Here.

Flamin' idiot, you are!

Now I'll have to get in at the lavatory window
at the back. Come on. Give us a hand.

– Sergeant, what about taking these halibuts?
– No, no, no.

– In any case, they're halberds.
– Sir, what about this?

"Special elephant–shooting musket. 1835."

– If it killed elephants, it will go through a tank.
– Put it away before you break something.

Put it away.

Give it to me.

Hey! Come over here a minute. Look at this.

A tin liberty bodice.

– It's a breastplate. It protects the top.
– How do you protect your bottom?

– Don't turn your back on the enemy.
– Look.

.303 carbines. "British Infantry weapons
during the South African War."

How many are there?

– The case is empty.
– Empty?!

There's another notice here.
"Requisitioned by ENSA, 5th March, 1940."

ENSA? What on earth do ENSA want with rifles?

They're very awful audiences, sometimes.

All right, Sergeant.

– Time to withdraw. Back to base.
– Right, sir.

What's this?

"Chinese rocket gun. 1901.
Used against the Boxers."

Poor little creatures!

They never did pay heed
to animals, east of Suez.

That would liven up manoeuvres a bit.
What's this? It's got a grenade thing on the end.

Cor! The yellow fiends!

It wouldn't 'alf make a mess of you.
Lovely! Come on. Give us a hand.

Don't push too hard. I've got to find
something to stand on.

Hang on. I've put me foot on something.

Help!

– What's the matter?
– I've got me foot stuck down the whatsit!

Here. Get a hold of that. Go on.

That was very clever, wasn't it (?)

It flushed you out, didn't it?

Got it!

They used to put the powder in there, run it
along there, and it fired each one off in turn.

Here's the horn what they keep
the fuse powder in.

Spare rockets down here, see?

Look, son. Come here.

Get out that scout knife thing of yours.

Unbung the ports, and we'll have it
working again in no time.

Get unbunging.

Your zeal and initiative
have not gone unappreciated.

You've shown the sort of spirit
we need to get Jerry on the run,

but I really do think that this weapon is too antiquated for our purposes.

We'll send it back in the morning.

– We haven't got much else, though.
– No, but even if you do get it working,

you'll find that modern warfare
has progressed a little beyond the rocket.

I'll talk to the men. I don't want them
down–hearted about this setback. Attention! Gather round!

Come on!
Walker, Corporal, leave that.

Now, men, as you know, GHQ will send
weapons to us as soon as they possibly can.

In the meantime,
we must exercise our own ingenuity.

I have an idea, and I'll give it to you
as an example of the sort of thing we need.

On top of every hill, we're going to station
large drums of old sump oil,

and at the sign of any emergency,
we're going to spread this oil all over the road.

If enemy vehicles can't grip the road surface,
the whole war machine will grind to a halt.

Permission to speak, sir!

– Yes, Corporal.
– Tin tacks!

Why don't we have packets of tin tacks
and spread them over the road?

An excellent idea. Punctured vehicles
won't get very far. Find all the tacks you can.

Permission to speak, sir!
You can get them at Woolies.

Are you going to requisition it again, sir?

No, I think you'd better pay cash this time, Wilson.

And one other thing – we shan't leave here

until we've made a staunch effort
to improve our own arsenal.

We're going to set to
and finish making these petrol bombs.

Walker has sold us a very fine selection
of empty wine bottles.

Frazer, line them up and empty them.

Corporal, you're in charge of the funnel.
Sergeant, you pour the petrol.

I'll deal with these cork–and–string fuses.

We'll work in teams. When we get exhausted,
the second wave will come in.

– This petrol can is empty.
– Empty? Walker?

I had to use it in the car to get the bottles.

– Done it, sir.
– Jolly good. What have you done?

Cleared the ports in the rocket gun.
The fuse is fizzing away beautifully.

If we're to survive, we've got to
get our priorities... What did you...?

Take cover!

– Marvellous, going off after all these years.
– Yes. Damn clever, these Chinese.

Thank goodness they're on our side.