Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 8, Episode 9 - Mister Softee - full transcript

An ice-cream truck triggers a painful childhood memory for Larry that impacts a softball title game, a therapist's fees, Bill Buckner's legacy, and his new girlfriend's travel preferences.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
( Theme music playing )

Larry: Is anybody worried about
dirt on their food here?

You know, these buses come by.

Everybody makes such a big deal
about eating outside.

- I find it disgusting.
- It's al fresco.

Hey, do me a favor and remind
me to pick up my glove later.

- I'm getting it restitched.
- Okay.

You're wearing gloves?
It's the middle of summer.

- No, my baseball glove.
- Susan: Oh, baseball.

They're in a league.
Is that what you call it?

We're playing for the championship.

Are you not listening anything
I've ever told you?

Larry: I hope it turns out better
than the golf championship.

- Susie: That's true.
- Hey, do you want to come?

No, I don't like baseball.

- I'm a little surprised.
- Why?

You I can understand. You've
been married a long time.

You could care less
about what he does.

- You're absolutely correct.
- But we've just started dating.

And when you first start dating you
always do things that are distasteful.

- That's part of the process.
- Fish and chicken.

We're splitting that so it
really doesn't matter.

Okay, how about I give
that to you?

And chicken.

- That looks good, Jeff.
- How do you want to work this?

I'm gonna keep the chicken.

You can't keep the chicken.
We said we're gonna split it.

That fish, to be honest,
don't look so good.

I only chose it because I knew
we were gonna split it.

Look, you brought the fish into it.
I'm saying no.

- That's completely unethical.
- You know what? Honestly, Larry,

this is why he's a good manager.
You should be thankful he's unethical.

He's unscrupulous.

- You want some of my salad?
- Oh my God.

- This is amazing.
- It looks really really good.

I'm not even joking.
It's fantastic.

- Really?
- The food here is great.

- Can I try it?
- Nope.

- Just a little taste?
- Nope, you made a mistake.

- You're so lying.
- No, I swear to God.

Larry: I learned a very valuable
lesson today.

- What did you learn?
- I'd rather keep it to myself.

Know something?
I've learned a valuable lesson today too.

No, you're only saying you learned a
lesson because I said I learned a lesson.

That's where you're wrong.
I'm just sharing.

I know for a fact
you did not learn a lesson.

- It's a coincidence.
- Speaking of lessons, I'm so sorry--

I have to go.
I have a piano lesson.

Good luck at your wiffle ball game
or whatever.

- Softball.
- Okay, thanks.

- Bye.
- See you after the game. See you Thursday.

- All right, take a shower.
- Call me.

- Is she a great girl?
- She's great.

She likes you, which is a shocking
thing to me.

- She might.
- No, she's going out with him again.

- Can I say something?
- What?

- I've got to pee.
- She gets me.

Well, you're lucky somebody does.

Larry, favor.
Jeff's birthday is coming up.

There's a signing thing
at the Regency.

Mookie Wilson is gonna be there.

I need you to get this signed as a gift.
Can you do that for me?

( Chimes playing )

Lar. Lar.

What happened? Where'd you go?

- I'm sorry, what?
- Mookie Wilson.

Can you get Mookie Wilson to
sign this for Jeff's birthday?

- Oh yeah. Okay.
- All right?

- Yeah, Mookie's his favorite player.
- Yeah. '86 Mets.

Larry: I like her, but she's got a
kid so what's gonna come of it?

What's the point
of the whole thing?

To tell you the truth, whenever
I see a woman who's happy,

she's married.

And whenever I see a man
who's happy, he's single.

- Mathematics of that is confusing, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Anyway, so we were
at this restaurant,

all of a sudden I heard
this Softee music.

The Mr. Softee Truck.

- The music from the Mr. Softee Truck?
- Yes.

When I was a kid
I had a traumatic incident

involving Mr. Softee.

- Boy: Let's do another hand.
- Girl: Okay.

Two, three, four, five.

- Boy: Here we go.
- Girl: You know what? I'm gonna take two.

All right, Larry,
what do you got?

I've got two pair.

Wow, that's pretty good.
But not good enough.

I've got a flush.

Yeah, that's right.
All right, come on, take it off.

Come on.

That's pretty pretty pretty good.

( Door opens )

( Chimes playing )

What the hell are you
doing with my daughter?

Come here.
Come here.

Father: You be quiet and you
listen to me.

- What the fuck?
- Your vagina is showing.

Oh my God.
He's got more pubes on his fucking head.

You forgot something, kid.

What the fuck are you doing, kid?

Put some clothes on,
you four-eyed fuck.

And to this day

whenever I see the Softee Truck

or especially hear
the music, that music

that goes in a continuous loop...

( Vocalizes tune )

You know what I'm talking about?

It's deeply disturbing,
there's no question about it.

But let me just make sure
I understand.

You felt humiliated as a result
of the strip poker game?

Yes. Do you mind
if I put my feet up here?

- Please.
- You sure?

- No, it's fine.
- A lot of people don't like it.

- I am absolutely okay with it.
- Although it's just a sneaker.

Well, I think even if it were
a dress shoe I would be fine.

You're not gonna resent
me when I leave here

for putting my feet up and putting
you in this compromising position?

I don't feel funny about it.
But if it makes you feel better

I have some Japanese slippers
you could change into out there.

Oh, that's kind of you
to offer, but I'd rather not.

So just to make sure that I
understand things thoroughly,

- you felt humiliated--
- What the hell then, right?

- Sure, go ahead.
- Okay.

- You felt humiliated as a result of this--
- I'm not comfortable with it.

- I'm sorry.
- All right.

This was a girl that you knew
from the neighborhood, I presume.

- Yes. Yes.
- You were playing strip poker with her.

And of course I lost
almost every hand.

She took off her socks and shoes.

I feel like if she
had taken the top off

my whole life
would have been different.

Keep it going. Keep it going, guys.
Come on.

- Hey, Yari. Yari.
- Keep it going.

- What what what?
- What's happening with my car?

Easy job.
Be ready tomorrow like I said, okay?

- Really?
- You worry too much.

- Worry about the game.
- We don't need to worry about this game.

- You need to worry about the game.
- We got this game.

Championship game.
Bring it in, everybody.

Come on.

Okay, we're here.

We made it!
We made it to the big game.

Center stage.

Every one of you all, give
yourselves a clap on the hand.

I am so proud
of every one of you.

You know, before I came out today

I think about I'm like
the Steinbrenner.

And I think, "What would
Steinbrenner say right now?"

He would say

that when you put on this uniform

with my name on it,

there is no substitute
for winning!

No substitute!

Or you hit the deck.

So we're going to go out there,

we're going to play
this other team,

quote unquote, Raleigh's clothing

with their pussy
mustard-yellow shit uniforms.

We aren't just going
to beat them,

we will grab them
and we will fuck

their sisters in the cunt!

Are you listening?

Bring it in.
Come on.

- Fuck these people!
- All: Fuck these people!


Fuck their sisters in the cunt?
Who talks that way?

Okay, here we go.
Two outs.

This is it-- championship.
One more out, all right?

Ground ball goes to first,
second or third or home.

All right, come on, Yari.

( Crowd cheering )

( Chimes playing )

You got it, Larry.

- Here it comes. You've got it.
- Crowd: Oh!

What the fuck? What?

And now they're going home.

How did this-- what?

Where are you?
What happened?

I got distracted
by the Softee Truck.

- By the what?
- What a douche. What a douche.

- You suck. How could you do this?
- What a loser.

A baby could have kicked
that ball,

- picked it up, thrown it three place.
- Stupid ass!

- You bucknered me.
- I'm sorry.

You fucking bucknered it.
Why is Buckner on my team?



Oh, about time.
God damn, Larry.

I had a softball game.
I told you that.

- How was the game?
- I made an error in the last inning

with two outs that cost
us the championship.

Meanwhile I'm standing the fuck out
here counting my motherfucking nuts.

Know why?
I can't get in the goddamn building.

- What are you talking about?
- This motherfucker in the glass tube.

This dude right here. The gatekeeper
won't let me in the goddamn building.

- That's totally unacceptable.
- That's unacceptable.

Let me just say this, okay?
On behalf of all Caucasians,

- I apologize.
- Put that shit in.

I apologize
for the Caucasian race.

By the way, I have
a very good idea for you.

To avoid situations
like this in the future,

I think you should consider
wearing glasses.

- Fuck out of here.
- Swear to God.

I have noticed that white people
revere black people in glasses,

go out of their way
to do stuff for them.

If a black man with glasses goes
up for a job against a white man,

glasses gets the job.
No glasses, no job.

- We'll try this shit, Larry. It's a wager.
- You're open to it?

- I'm open to this shit.
- Beautiful.

- I'll try this shit and see what the fuck
happens. - All right, let's go.

- What's going on with Jennifer, man?
- I'm seeing her tonight.

Oh, ha ha!
See, I get a fucking tingle in my Johnson

when a motherfucker tells me
he's about to get some ass.

- Do your goddamn job.
- I'll talk to him.

( Jennifer moaning )

- ( Chimes playing )
- ( Larry gasps )

- Jennifer: Oh.
- Larry: Oh my God.

Larry, what's the problem?

Well, come on,
Mr. Softee.

- Hey, Yari.
- Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How's it going?
- It's great.

- Good. So is the car ready?
- Good. Good.

- Let me check.
- By the way, great game yesterday.

- You pitched really well.
- It's not ready.

It's not ready?
How come it's not ready?

- You said it was gonna be ready.
- I said it's not ready.

Is it almost ready?

Um, I think half.
Half ready.

- Half ready?
- Yeah yeah yeah.

What happened?

I guess I made an error.


- You know what I did? I dropped the ball.
- Okay.

- No big deal. Made an error.
- You didn't fix my car

because I made an error?
What are you, 12 years old?

( Shouting )
What are you, 90 years old?

You let the ball go through your legs.
Too too too tot.

The whole season is
a complete waste of time!

- It's a softball game!
- "It's a softball game"?

You don't understand because
you're not the Steinbrenner.

- I am the Steinbrenner.
- You're the Steinbrenner?

- I am the Steinbrenner!
- Really?

Steinbrenner owned a major
league baseball team.

- I own this team.
- You own 12 t-shirts.

I paid for them.
Yari's autonomics.

You disgraced--
you disgraced my business.

Steinbrenner always say--

- He says winning is the only answer.
- It's important.

He says winning all day,
every day or go away.

- I'd like the car.
- You'd like the car?

- Yeah.
- I'd like my championship back.

- Give me the key.
- You are fired.

Just like-- that's what George would do.
Take your car.

- Give it to me.
- I fire you. Your car is fired.

Take your fucking car.

Here is your key.
Here is your key.

I never want to see
you or your key

wearing my name
on your shirt again.

I won't wear your name on my
shirt again, that's a promise.

Don't disgrace me. Get out of my-- Yari's!
Get out!

Buckner, fuck you.
Go Buckner yourself.

Go! Faster!

So I get the car back from Yari,

it's worse than it was before.
I don't know what he did to it.

The front seat is really rattling.
It's terrible.

Hold up, hold up.
My shoe is untied.

- I'm gonna get the tickets.
I'll be right back. - All right.

Sorry, we're sold out.

- ( Sighs )
- What happened?

They're sold out.

- Sold out?
- Yeah.

Let me go down here
and give it a shot, man.


We're good.

- ( Laughing )
- Larry: Huh?

- Leon: Wow.
- Can you believe that?

I'm gonna get me a whole new
class of bitches with these on.

Wow, this is amazing.
It worked.

- They worked. See, what did I tell you?
- You're fucking right.

This is better than anything the civil
rights leaders have ever come up with.

You're goddamn right.
I have overcome, God damn it.

I got to get Mookie's autograph.

I'm gonna check out
Joe Pepitone over here.

What's up, man?

Hey, Dr. Thurgood.

- Larry, how are you?
- Hey, hi.

You're getting Mookie's
autograph, huh?

Yeah well,
I'm usually a Cubs fan.

I'm kind of attracted
to the hopeless cases.

Hey, right?

Well, listen, I hope
you'll excuse me.

You know when you were a kid walking
with your mother through Bohack's,

you saw your teacher and you had to
realize she didn't live in school?

You understand?
Larry, I don't live in school either.

You know what I mean?
Nice to see you.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Hey, listen.
So I've got to talk to you about something.

What happened was
I was in a softball game

and I heard
the Softee theme--

again with
the Softee theme--

and a ground ball went
through my legs.

That cost us the championship
in a softball game.

Are you absolutely sure that you
want to deal with this here?

I mean, while we're here?

What's the big deal?
We're just on line. So,

and then that night
I was in bed with a woman

and I heard the Softee music
again and I couldn't perform.

- Well, it is very troubling.
- Yes.

- She called me Mr. Softee.
- She did?

- Yes.
- My advice is don't try too much at once.

I had a client once,
he was a rock guitarist.

He played for the band,
what was the name of it?

Grand Funk Railroad. I don't
want to reveal his name because--

I already told you he played
for Grand Funk Railroad.

You can just look it up.
It's Mark Farner.

The great thing
about Mark Farner was

he didn't mess around with
all the extraneous notes.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

- He only played the important notes...
- Yeah.

- Yup.
- ...And that's what I want you to try.

I find it a little troubling
that you told me his name,

because now you could be
telling people my name.

It was merely an accident.

Well, I don't want this accident
to happen with me.

I completely understand. And I don't
think it will happen with your name.

- Have you talked about me to anyone?
- Of course not.

I would never do that to you
or any other patient, Larry.

- I just couldn't do it.
- Oh my God.

Excuse me one second.
I think that's Bill Buckner.


- Bill Buckner. Oh my God.
- Yeah, how are you doing?

- Nice to meet you.
- This is amazing that you're here.

I can't believe it.
I had an incident at a softball game

that was very similar
to what you went through.

Of course yours happened
in the world series

in front of millions
of people, but nevertheless

a ball went through my legs
and cost us the game.

It was humiliating
and people were insulting me.

- I'm sorry to hear that.
- I can't believe I'm seeing you here.

How did you deal
with all that stuff?

You know, when you're
giving your best effort,

it's a team game, those things happen.

You've just got
to forget about it.

Jeez, you have
a really good attitude.

I'd love to talk to you about this.
Do you got a minute?

You know, actually I was about
ready to take a break for lunch, yeah.

- Can I walk out with you?
- Yeah, sure.

Oh, okay, I've just got
to get Mookie's autograph.

- I'll get it for you.
- Oh great, thanks.

That guy owes me one.

So I saw this commercial
last night.

Michael Jordan had
a Hitler mustache.

Yeah, I saw that. He's the first one to wear
that since Hitler, isn't he?

You know what?
I think that's true.

- Hey, Buckner, you suck.
- Hey, have a nice day, fellas.

Nice catch.
( Laughs )

What jerks, huh?

Oh my God. How do you
put up with that?

You just get used to it.

- Man: Fuck you, Buckner!
- Hey!

- You stink!
- Oh, so do you!

Hey, don't worry about it, Larry.

You're gonna drive
yourself crazy.

So how long you gonna
be around for?

You want to go take in
a couple of Broadway shows?

There's a good one
called "Next to Normal"

I hear a lot of good stuff about.
Woman has a bipolar disorder.

Could I interrupt you?
I've got an emergency.

Are either of you
gentlemen Jewish?

- Not me.
- Uh, yeah, I'm--

Listen, I have a problem upstairs.
We're doing a kaddish

and we need one more guy
to fill out the Minyan.

- What's a Minyan?
- A Minyan-- when a Jewish person dies

- you need to have 10 men in a room
to say a prayer. - It'll take 10 minutes tops.

- I got my friend here.
- He could come along. It's a free lunch.

You could have a little
sandwich while you're watching.

- It's a free lunch.
- Yeah, it's an emergency.

We've got to get to the cemetery.
What do you think?

Have you ever had
Jewish food before?

Koufax gave me
some kishka one time.

- ( Laughs ) Okay.
- So we can go then?

- All right, fine. Come on.
- Let's go.

- Great news. The Minyan is complete.
- Hello.

A nice Jewish gentleman
has volunteered.

- Thank you very much.
- A pleasure.

- I'm gonna give you both--
- Sorry about whatever happened.

I don't really know,
but somebody obviously died.

We all have to go at some point.

Excuse me.

Hopefully there's an afterlife.
I'll keep my fingers crossed.

You never know.
Crazier things, right?

Terribly sorry.
Are you Bill Buckner?

- Yeah.
- Herman here is from Boston.

He's a big Red Sox fan and he can't be
in the same room with Bill Buckner.

I'll have to ask you
to please leave.

- I'm terribly sorry.
- Are you serious? Are you for real?

- October, 1986, two outs.
- Jesus Christ!

Larry, don't worry
about it. Hey.

- They can't help themselves.
- You're damn right.

Don't let the door go through your
legs on the way out, Buckner.

- What a jerk. - I only regret I can't ruin
your life before you leave.

Hey, you won two world championships
since then. That's not enough for you?

- Herman: It should have been three.
- It should have been three.

- Don't worry about it. - I don't want
to be in your stupid Minyan anyway.

- Stupid Minyan? My uncle died.
- Larry: How about that?

I hope there is no afterlife.
I hope there's no afterlife.

- Sorry.
- Hey, Larry, what about the kishka?

To hell with the kishka.
Come on.

( Doorbell rings )

- Hey.
- Hello.

- Come on in.
- Hi, Lar.

Hey. Friend of mine.
You might know him.

- Does he look familiar?
- Very familiar.


Mr. Bill Buckner.

- Bill Buckner!
- Hey, how you doing?

How did I not--
Oh my God.

- Welcome, Bill Buckner.
- Baseball player, right?

- Yeah. This is Susie.
- Hi. Come on in.

- Come into our home.
- Played for the Dodgers,

- the Cubs, the Red Sox. Anybody else?
- Nice to meet you.

Yeah, a little bit
with the Angels.

Angels too?
How about that?

- Yes, I got it.
- This view is awesome. Unbelievable.

We met at a baseball card show.

What were you doing
at a baseball card show?

What was I doing?
'Cause somebody has a loving wife

and I picked up a little something
for somebody's birthday.

- Come on, let me see.
- Guess whose name is on there.

- Guess whose name.
- Whose name is on there, huh?

- Who's your fav?
- Mookie Wilson?

- Yes.
- Oh my God.

Do you have the most
thoughtful wife in the world?

- Thank you. - It wouldn't have happened
if I didn't go to the show.

- It was my idea.
- Yeah, I did go pick it up.

- But it was my idea.
- Let me see. Let me see.

- You want to see it?
- Yeah, let me see it. Let me see it.

- Hey, Buck, catch.
- Susie: What?!

- Jeff: What are you doing?
- Susie: What the fuck?

- Hey, I'm sorry. Sorry.
- Susie: What happened?

- Bill: I missed it, I'm sorry.
- Susie: It's in the middle of the street.

Larry, what the hell
were you doing?

- What? No.
- Why'd you throw it to him?

- You know, we just--
- I thought you were a professional.

- It was a horseshit throw.
- No, it was a horseshit catch also.

Hey, Buck, come on.
It was a good throw. You bobbled it.

- It was Mookie Wilson, Buckner!
- Ooh, Mookie Wilson.

- Yeah.
- What'd Mookie do?

- All he hit was a shitty ground ball.
- Get the fuck out!

Get out, both of you.
You ruined the gift.

- What happened? It was right in your hands.
- That was a horseshit throw.

Come on, it was in your hands.
How could you miss that ball? Are you serious?

- Shit happens, Larry.
- "Shit happens"?

I thought you were
a baseball player.

You can't catch a goddamn toss?

- Wow, that was great, huh?
- That was really good. Thank you.

So did you drink enough to want
to come back to my apartment?

- ( Laughs ) Yes, I think I did.
- Really?

Tonight I'm gonna bring it.

- I'm not joking around.
- All right.

The only problem is the car.
The seat--

I just got it out of the shop
and it wasn't fixed.

- The seat is still rattling.
- Can I sit in it?

- Yeah, you can sit in it.
- It's fine. Whatever. It's just a car.

I actually think I'm going
to do very well tonight. ( Seat rattling )

- Oh?
- I'm just putting it out there.

I'll put the TV on. We'll start watching TV
as if we're gonna watch TV.

But I'm really gonna
try and put moves on you

while we're watching TV.

- That's sort of how I do it.
- Uh-huh.

You're not allowed to just
say, "Hey, let's have sex."

- You've got to go around it...
- ( Gasping )

Like you're doing something
else so you fool the woman.

- Yeah. - It's like a magic trick.
It's sleight of hand.

The TV kind of diverts
your attention

from what the real agenda is.

Although, does it really?
I mean, you know and I know.

I don't know why we have
to go through this charade.

Anyway, I don't know.
Do you like-- I got some mixed nuts.

- Do you like a mixed nut?
- Mm-hmm, yes. Yeah.

People like a mixed nut.
Although when I opened up the mixed nuts

they had put some dried
pineapple in there.

Are you kidding me
with the pineapple?

It doesn't blend well
with the mixed nuts.

The dried pineapple
is destroying mixed nuts.

- ( Moans )
- For me, give me a chip any day.

- Do you like chips?
- Yeah yeah.

- You like a good chip?
- Yes. Yes.

What about a dip?

- Do you like a dip as well as a chip?
- Yes! Yes!

- You like a chip and a dip?
- Yes!

- Right?
- Yes! Ooh!

- Bad news, I have no dip.
- ( Moaning )

I am so sorry.

- I am completely dipless.
- ( Panting )

Oh my God, is this
a parking space?

Ho ho ho!

This is my lucky day.


Would you mind driving me home?


I'm kind of done.
I think I need to call it a night.

- Drive you home?
- I mean if it's okay.

Why? I thought you were
gonna come upstairs.

I'm just kind of ready
for bed, you know?

- I'm ready to do the job.
- I'm sure you are.

- I'm sure you are.
- And I have this theory.

Like for golf,
when I have a bad round,

my next round is fantastic
because I don't care anymore.

I hit the low point.
Like, I hit the low point the last time.

And now I know that I stink.

And when I feel I stink I'm good.

Well, let's go
for it another night.

( Emphatically ) I am done.

All right. ( Sighs )
I'll take you home.

So she said she changed her mind.

No man would ever change his mind,
I'll tell you that.

I'm very curious to know
why she would do that.

Why? I'll tell you why. Because when
you're impotent, women treat you like a leper.

You tried to put a noodle in a woman?
Women hate that, man.

That's a remarkably idiotic
thing that you just said.

But you know, the fact that
you're wearing glasses,

I perceive it as a little less
idiotic than I normally would.

- It's interesting.
- You're damn right.

- I'm making sense.
- Slightly less stupid.

- You're making a little sense.
- I'm making stupid sense.


What the hell is this?

A bill from the therapist?

I think he charged me for talking
to him at the card show.

That's something you got
to handle, man. You know?

- You want to take a ride?
- Where we going at?

- I want to talk to this therapist.
- Let's do it.

( Seat rattling )


( Exhales )

What's with you?

You know what?
I think I figured this shit out.

She was getting her rocks off
in this damn chair.

- Look at me.
- Really?

This shit is a moving dildo.

- You mean like a horse?
- This chair is a fuck machine.

Man cannot compete
with machinery.

No wonder why
she didn't come upstairs.

You're damn right.
She was coming downstairs.

- You get it?
- She was coming downstairs.

- Yes, I get it.
- Getting her shit off.

Whatever the fuck you do,
you keep her out of this damn car.

You know what this car is?

This car is
the other fucking man.

She is cheating on you
with this fucking chair.

- Larry: Ah.
- Larry.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I know I don't have
an appointment now,

but I got a bill
in the mail today.

Am I to understand
that you charged me

for talking to me on line
at the baseball card show?

- Is that possible?
- Well, yes it is.

Dr. Thurgood, we spoke
for all of three minutes.

Well, let me just
point out to you, Larry,

that sometimes when people
suffer with what I might call

the more dramatic forms
of narcissism,

they have a hard time gauging
how long they've been talking

about their problems
or themselves.

Are you saying I'm a narcissist?

Larry, maybe I can help you
understand this way.

I had a client. He was quite an illustrious
well-known director.

I don't want to reveal who he was,
but he did direct "Star Wars."

And he enjoyed

in his repertoire
of things that he liked

to see prostitutes.

Now in that particular situation,

if he were to hire a prostitute,
let's say for an hour,

- which was normal for him--
- You might as well call him George Lucas.

I mean, that's who
directed "Star Wars."

Well, I would never say that.

- I would never say that.
- You just told me who it was.

I merely alluded to the fact that
he was a well-known director.

Now one of the things that he
needed to complete his work--

Everybody knows
who directed "Star Wars."

Not everyone is in
show business, Larry.

- Okay, go ahead.
- My point is--

- God knows what you're saying about me.
- No one asks about you.

I didn't ask about George Lucas
but you just brought him up.

I merely said a well-known director.
And here's my point.

He used to frequent prostitutes.

And very often he would
hire them for an hour,

which was their minimum,
but it only took him

three or four
or maybe five minutes

to complete the shot, if you
understand what I'm saying.

However, they considered it
fair and he considered it fair

to pay them for the full hour.
That was the way they did business.

First off, I'm appalled
by what you just said to me.

He has a right to do what he wants.
He's an adult.

It's supposed to be confidential.

- It is.
- You're not supposed to be telling people.

It's merely by way
of illustration.

My point is that people need various
things to help them function.

And my hope was that
I was doing that for you.

Well, it's good to see you.

Yes, and congratulations, doctor.

I think you've stumbled
upon the perfect analogy

for exactly what you do.

Well, it's somewhere between
a hobby and a profession

for me just as it is for them.

- Mm-hmm.
- Good seeing you.


You know what?

Let me go in and give it
a shot with the glasses on.

I really don't think
it's gonna work.

- Let me go give it a shot.
- Go ahead, give it a shot.

Give me that bill, man.
Fucking around.

Dr. Thurgood, allow me
to introduce myself.

( Laughing )

Mr. Black, really a pleasure
to meet you.

- A pleasure.
- See you again I hope.

- Take care.
- You too. Bye, Larry.

- ( Door closes )
- ( Chuckles )

He tore the bill up, threw it
in the garbage. Done.

- What? You're kidding.
- No, I'm not kidding.

- Mm, the glasses, baby.
- Amazing.

- I told you.
- It's a miracle.

Yeah, on top of that shit,
check it out.

Mookie Wilson ball.
How about that?

Give that to Jeff now.
Replace the ball you lost.

See how it works? Ooh!

- He gave you this?
- No, I stole it.

- Open up. Open up.
- All right. Hey hey.

- Take it easy. Here.
- Listen, I need a ride.

I need a ride.
I don't want the fucking ball now.

I need a ride.
My cousin's building is on fire.

Can you believe this?
It's over by the Regency on Park.

- I need a ride. It's an emergency.
- You want a ride?

Yeah, I need a ride over
to my cousin's building. It's on fire.

Larry, drive me!
Just give me a fucking ride, okay?

The building's on fire, Larry.
Please, come on. Hurry up.

- Open up.
- What's the big deal? It's a fire.

- I need to get there. It's my cousin.
- Why?

I need to get over there.
What don't you understand about fire?

- I'll pay for a cab.
- I don't want to take a cab.

Give me a fucking ride.
What's the matter?

Why can't you give me
a goddamn ride?

- You know what? I've got it.
- Okay, what?

Sit in the back seat.
I'll give you a limo ride.

Larry, I don't want a fucking limousine!
Just open the fucking door.

- All right, you drive.
- I don't want to drive!

I'm hysterical.
Don't you see that?

I can't drive.
I can't focus.

- She might be--
- All right, all right! Get in the car.

Make such a big fucking deal.

I ask for a little
ride across town.

What? What are
you waiting for?

Why are you driving like a snail?

( Gasping, moaning )

( Groans ) No.

No. No.

- ( Gasping )
- ( Groaning )


- ( Moans )
- ( Groaning )

( Crashes )

- ( Chimes playing )
- What the fuck, Larry?

Jesus fucking Christ.

- What the hell did you do?
- Oh my God.

- It was your fault.
- It was not my fault.

- Man: Are you all right?
- Oh my God!

- Yeah.
- Susie: Oh my God!

- Is she all right?
- Who cares?

- I'm so sorry.
- Hillary!

Jesus, what the hell
is going on over here?

Looks like quite a fire.

( Radio chatter )

- Hey, Buck.
- Hey, Larry.

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing here?

My hotel is just right down the street
and I was going for a little walk.

( Screams ) My baby!

- Please, somebody help me.
- ( Crowd murmuring )

Please help me!
My baby!

Please, somebody help me!

- Drop it.
- It's safe for a baby. Go ahead, we're ready.

- No, I can't.
- We're ready, let's go. We're ready now.

Come on, come on!
You can do it.

- Drop it!
- Let it go!

- Throw the baby!
- I can't! No!

- ( Shouting fades )
- ( Music playing throughout )

- ( Cheering )
- Oh my God!

Oh my God!
I can't believe it!

I've never seen anything like that in my life.

- Nice catch, Bill.
- Thanks.

( Cheering )

Hey, all right!

Well, so...

- How was that?
- It was good.

You know what I'd like to do now?

Go for a really long drive.

( Theme music playing )