Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 7, Episode 7 - The Black Swan - full transcript

Larry is forced to cover his tracks after he accidentally causes the death of a country club member and kills the club's mascot in an act of self defense.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
- Nat: I think down there.
- Really?

I don't know. I don't remember.
I haven't been here in years.

- This is it right here.
- Larry: this is it?

- Yeah, here.
- Larry: this is mom's grave?

"past away"?

P- a-s-t?

Dad, you spelled
"passed" wrong.

It's not spelled
p- a-s-t.

"passed away."

I know how
to spell it.

That's $50
a letter.

You spelled it wrong
on purpose to save $100?!

Yes, why not?

It has the same meaning.
Everybody knows what it means.

- It's not the same meaning.
- You saved $100?!

I would've paid for it.

- I-i...
- Are you kidding?

I didn't ask you because I
didn't want to bother you.

That was the whole idea.

Honestly, this is
not the nicest way...

- This is insane.
- ... To honor your wife.

Okay, I'm sorry.
I gotta change this.

You got the name
of the stonemason?

Yes, I have the name
of the stonemason, yes.

I'm gonna spell it
the right way.

And what about some
blandishments on here?

How about "devoted wife"?
Some adjectives?

"beloved mother of larry"
would've been nice.

You wanted maybe $6,000
more on the stone?

Why not just "adele david
born, passed away"?

How long do we have
to stay here?

- P-A-S-T past.
- "Past away."

- I don't believe it.
- God only knows what that man has let go through.

Lucky he didn't put
"beloved moth."

Hey hey hey. Norm's here.
We've got to hurry up.

Let's eat.
Let's order.

he's the slowest golfe in t.

Let's order breakfast
and beat him to the first tee.

- Yeah, come on.
- What are we having?

I'm gonna have egg whites
with a bagel. Quickly, please.

- I'll have sunny-side eggs.
- Just a fruit plate.

I'd like the same thing... Egg
whites with lox and well-done onions.

I don't want them limp.
I really want them crispy.

Andy, andy,
do me a favor.

- You don't need to get crispy onions.
- No, this is what I want.

No no, it takes a long time
to get onions well-done.

Believe me. I've ordered this
before. I know exactly what I want.

- I know, but they take a long time.
- Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- It takes a long time.

- Stop it. You don't know what you're talking about.
- I do know.

- I make onions at home.
- So I'll only eat half.

- Don't worry.
- You have never played behind norm.

- Hey, jim.
- What's going on?

- How are you?
- Not bad.

- Just in town for the day.
- Going back to new york?

Yeah, taking
a red-eye tonight.

- Good to see you.
- Good to see you.

- Take care.
- Take care.

Why didn't you
introduce us?

He's from new york. You're
never gonna see him again.

It's a courteous
thing to do.

- What, do you have to know his name?
- I don't have to know it.

He has to know your name
and shake your hand?

It's a common courtesy
when you're talkinn t.

It's a pointless and
unnecessary social convention...

... To introduce every single person you know.

Oh, hey, dad.

I can't talk here.
I'm in the dining room.

You shouldn't use
the phone in here.

- Home for dinner tonight at 6:30.
- Keep it down.

Come on. Tell him you'll call him back.

I'll see you then.

No cell phone in dining room. Club rule.

Why you break rule?

Oh. I'm sorry,
mr. Takahashi.

My father had a quadruple
bypass surgery yesterday

and he needed
to hear my voice.

You do this all time.

Last warning.


- Who the hell is he?
- Mr. Takahashi.

- He's the owner.
- Of the club?

- Yeah.
- Oh boy.

Will you please finish shoveling
that shit into your face?

It's exactly
how I wanted it done.

I told you those onions
were gonna take 10-15 minutes.

A couple of minutes
longer than you guys.

It wasn't a couple of minutes.
We've been done for five.

All right.
Let's hit it.

What does it matter now?
What does it matter now?

- No, it's over.
- Maybe they're going to the range.

No, they're not going to the
range. They don't go to the range.

- Thanks, gentlemen.
- Yeah, I got it. Don't worry.

- Thanks, larr.
- You're welcome.

You know what they do here?
It's an 18% tip included.

And then they have a space
for an additional tip.

I have to start doing ma
in my head now?

And then... What does it
come out to? $2?

I'm leaving an extra $2?
That makes me look cheap.

Just leave the 18%
and let's go.

I think that's
all they expect.

I'm not leaving any more additional
tips here. I'm protesting it.

I swear to you
i'm gonna protest it.

- I don't think it's right.
- Jeff: I'm gonna follow your lead.

- Marty: it's a good protest.
- This is crazy.

You ready? - yeah, we'.

Let's go, let's go.
Come on.

- Thanks again, guys.
- Okay, thank you.

Have a good round.

Whoa. Was... Was
everything all right?

- Yeah, good job.
- Thanks.

Um, see, 'cause you
didn't leave a tip.

And usually when I've
provided excellent service,

my customers like
to tip me.

Well, there is
an 18% tip included.

Generally, I do leave
an additional tip,

but you know what? I'm kind of
protesting the additional tip.

- I don't care for it.
- You're protesting.

Yes. Let 'em charge me
20%. Let 'em charge me 25%.

I'd rather be charged
a 30% tip included

than have to add up 18%
to 20% to 25%... Whatever.

It's not that much.
It's 2%.

- It's hard to get to 2%.
- You take 1%, just move the decimal place two spots.

Okay, you have a system.
I don't have a system

to get to 2%.

You know, don't make me
do math at the table.

So you're protesting math.

I'm protesting math.

- Boy, this is ridiculous.
- This is insane.

20 minutes he's looking
for this ball.

I know.

Hey, norm,
drop a ball.

- Huh?
- You've been looking for 20 minutes.

- Just drop a ball.
- I haven't been looking for 20 minutes.

You can't hold up the whole course
like this! Let us play through!

You don't play through.
Out of the question!

It's not right!
It's very inconsiderate!

I'm not inconsiderate!
You're inconsiderate!

- You're inconsiderate!
- No, you are!

- You want to do me a favor?
- Yeah yeah.

- Shove it up your ass.
- Are you happy you had the onions?!

Huh?! Are you glad
you had the onions?!

I can't find
the goddamn ball!

- Let's go!
- Don't be angry at me just 'cause you're angry at him.

- We'll come back tomorrow.
- I come here to relax, to have a good time!

Crispy onions!
They have to be crispy!

"i can't eat breakfast

unless I have
crispy onions!"

- how's your wife?
- Fuck you, norm!

- That was a lot of fun.
- Yeah, what a time.

Hey, you!

Yes, you.

Did you have to yell and
scream at norm out there?

- Did you?
- Yeah, I did have to yell and scream.

You guys are the slowest
foursome in the club.

You're very

He's looking for a ball
for half an hour.

You don't yell at somebody
who has high blood pressure.

I didn't know he has
high blood pressure.

You know what happens when you yell
at somebody with high blood pressure?

They have a heart attack
and they die.

That's exactly what
happened. Norm is dead.

That's right.

So you're blaming me?

- Yes!
- It's not my fault

that he had
a heart attack.

- Did you even know him?
- I did know him somewhat.

- Did you like him at all?
- No, I thought he was a prick.

You know,
that's interesting

because I heard so many stories
about you when I joined this club

and I could not believe that they
were all true about one human being.

Now I know that
everything that I've heard

- is true.
- What did you hear?

What did you hear?
Tell me what you heard.

- What?
- You're getting quite a reputation

- here at the club.
- What are you talking about?

- I didn't do anything.
- Look, it may have been an accident,

- but you're a murderer.
- How dare you?!

No, you're not a murderer.
You're not a murderer.

It's involuntary

You didn't intend to kill
him, but you killed him.

- I didn't kill him!
- I'm not pointing fingers,

but you killed him.
You did!

Hey, let me
tell you something:

the minute you wanted
those crispy onions,

you put a gun
to that guy's head.

You're right. If he hadn't
ordered those eggs that way,

you wouldn't be guilty
of involuntary manslaughter.

What time are we
playing tomorrow?

- Early. Yup.
- Early. Yeah.

Good idea.

So what's the deal with the "seinfeld"
reunion? Are they all doing it?

Yeah, the read-through
is next week.

- How about that?
- Yeah, that's great.

Ooh, the stonemason called
and he said he'll call back.

I picked up the phone.

Oh, and while I was on the
phone, I think I sold him a hat.

- Are you kidding?
- On the phone.

The stonemason is gonna
buy a hat from you?

- What kind of hat?
- Nat, you haven't seen her hats?

Oh my gosh,
wait till you see this!

What she does...
She's so creative!

She astounds me.
Look at this.

This is what I live
to do. It's my passion.

Right, so how do you get
to take care of your baby?

I have to work.

Listen, kids cost
a lot of money nowadays.

We got health insurance
and school and college.

It's tough to live in new york.
We're saving already for college.

Okay. You know
what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna pay for skylar
to go to college.

- Oh, cut it out.
- Larry.

- What do you think of that?
- Are you serious?

- Yeah, I'm gonna do it.
- That's...

I don't have any kids.
I have money.

I'll do it. I don't want
you to worry about that.

- By golly. Oh my god!
- That's everything!

- That's everything.
- Uncle nat, look who you raised.

- Yes, I'm lookin' at him.
- I can't believe what you're doing.

I'm gonna make you
a thank-you hat.

Don't make me
a thank-you hat.

It's done.

You know what would be a
great thing that you could do?

If you could show it to some
of your celebrity friends,

- like jerry seinfeld.
- Jerry seinfeld is not gonna wear that hat.

- You don't know!
- Yeah, I do know.

Or some athlete friend?

- Hello.
- Hey, it's ed... The stonemason.

Oh, hey. So I want you to do me a favor

- and change the inscription on my mother's stone.
- Okay.

Okay, well you know
"passed away"

is written on there
spelled p-a-s-t?

Who was that yankee
you had on "seinfeld"?

- Derek jeter?
- He could wear one.

That guy sucks.

- Who sucks?
- Derek jeter.

He's the most overrated
player in baseball.

- What did you say?
- I can't stand derek jeter.

You know he's the worst offensive
shortstop in baseball statistically?

Oh, bullshit. He's a great clutch
hitter. He's a great clutch player.

Larry, come on back.

There's no way he deserves that
kind of money he's making.

Okay, you know what?
Do me a favor

and just take care
of the stone, please?

- Will do.
- Thank you.

- How great is this day?
- Gorgeous.

Where is everybody? Yesterday
it was packed. Nobody's here.

I think it's out
of respect for norm.

Yeah, you know, this is the hole
that norm had the heart attack on.

- This is the hole?
- This is the hole.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Oh, god damn it.

A good swing;
you came over it.

- What am I doing?
- You came over the top of it.

Right by the pond.
You're right by the pond.

Enjoy the swans.

Hey! Hey!



And then I looked up and he
started coming towards me.

He attacked me!
He leapt at me!

- Did you provoke him?
- No, I didn't do anything.

You know this is
takahashi's pet swan.

This is the love
of his life.

You think I wanted
to kill it?

I didn't want
to kill a swan!

Well, we're gonna have
to call animal control

- or the wildlife society or something like that.
- Are you out of your mind?

There could be something in the
food or water... They're attacking!

Nobody's calling anybody.
You got that?

Nobody's calling anybody. We'll
get kicked out of the club.

Okay. Well, I gotta tell my wife.

No wives. Nobody.

Come on, I tell
my wife everything.

It was something that we
agreed to in our marriage vows.

You tell your
wife everything?!

She won't tell anybody,
but I got to tell her.

- I have to tell her.
- Are you crazy?!

- What?
- You don't tell your wife anything!

My wife thinks
i'm at the office.

The only time I tell her I'm playing
golf is when I'm with another woman!

You got to cover
your tracks.

We're a foursome here. We're
all in this together. No wives!

All right.

We got to bury
this thing now.

Yeah, let's bury it.
We'll bury it in the woods.

- Andy: seriously?!
- Yeah. Come on, pick it up.

- No, you pick it up. You killed it.
- You pick it up.

Oh, this is horrible.

Oh, it's horrible.
This is horrible.

- Fruit's good.
- Yeah.

- Delicious, isn't it?
- How can you talk about the food?

I want to throw up. We
should get out of here.

- Yes, let's get out of here.
- Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

I want to get
out of here now.

Let me explain something
to you, moron.

Swan killers leave.

People who aren't
swan killers stay,

have a little lunch,
enjoy themselves,

get to know the members.

There's nothing wrong.
Get it?

Guess what?

I'm not a swan killer.

Hey, let me remind you
of something, asshole:

you're talking way too loud
about swan killing

in the dining room.

Why is that so hard
to understand?

How many rules are you
gonna break, okay?

You're not supposed to have your
phone on. It's always ringing.

- You killed a swan!
- Keep your fucking voice down!

- You killed a swan.
- Shut up! Shut up!

Why did I
order turkey?

I should've just had
the eggs and onions.

I know
they're good here.

Will you do me a favor and
shut up about your food?

He's right. All you're doing
is complaining about your food.

I told you to get the fruit.
It's delicious.

I had fruit this morning. What
am I gonna order it twice for?

- You can have fruit twice in one day.
- You can't.

You get the acid. It'll
rip a hole in your stomach.

They have non-acidic fruit. You
got papaya and mango and banana.

Hey, uh,
what's that?

- What do you think that is?
- I don't know,

but it's not what
you're thinking.

We just buried the thing 20 minutes
ago. They're not gonna find it already.

Oh no.


Now what are we gonna do?

It was a bird. What
were you so scared of?

- A bird!
- It was self-defense!

What could it have
possibly done to you?

- It could've killed me.
- It's not a wild boar!

You should've seen
when it leaped in the air!

Why even bury it? Why were
you thinking of burying it?

Mr. Takahashi

would like to see you all
in his office now.

So, gentlemen.

You know what this is?

This is tee sheet.

It tells me who played

and who did not play.

Only one other
group played.

Course not crowded.

Respect for norm.

Oh. You played.

You no respect norm?

- No no, of course.
- Absolutely.

Although he was
a slow player.

What else you not respect?

Beautiful black swan?

We adore swans!

My beautiful
black swan kyoko

was killed, murdered.

Who killed kyoko?

I don't know you.

- Who are you?
- I'm a guest here.

If I may say, I think the
food here is just great.

- I ordered some eggs with...
- You kill swan?

No, sir.

I'm from out of town. I have
no reason to kill the swan.

You smart guy.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- You not kill swan.
- Oh, no, sir.

But you know
who kill swan.

Well, I don't think...
No, I don't think I do.

- You like club?
- I love this club.

You tell me,
free dues.

No more dues.

- For life?
- Whole life.

- Valet parking?
- Any time.

- Marty: range balls?
- All you want.

If you tell me.
Tell me.

Um, no I really can't think
of who could've done it.

- You.
- Hmm.

- You kill swan?
- No, I'd never kill a swan.

- Why? You stupid.
- I'm not stupid.

You marry big-mouth wife.

She does have
a big mouth.

Yes, maybe I talk
to her.

No, don't call her.

I don't even bring her
around anymore out of respect.


- How are you?
- I'm good.


- You kill kyoko?
- No.

- Yeah.
- No.

I can't talk now.
I'll call you back.

No cell phone
in the clubhouse!

Last warning!

Now go!

- Hey, where you going?
- Oh, they're having a memorial for norm at the club.

- And tomorrow a funeral.
- Oh my god.

Two days in a row. This is
worse than playing behind him.

Anyway, I came in
to thank you

for your gracious offe for
putting skylar through college.

- Well, you're... You're welcome.
- Thank you.

I mean, my wife and I were
talking about it in bed last night.

And you know what
cassie said to me?

She wants to go
to cosmetology school.

So would you put her
through cosmetology school?

- What?
- This is her calling.

Would I put her through
cosmetology school?

She's great
with lotions!

I mean, have you
ever... What she does...

Oh my god, she was born to do this.

I have to say
i'm very put off by this.

- Why?
- I make this generous offer

to pay for your
daughter's education

and now you want me to put your
wife through cosmetology school?!

- Yeah.
- All of a sudden?

No, I just think
it's wrong.

It's very wrong of you
to ask me that.

- Don't you get that?
- How irrational a man can you be?

What's happening?
You're saying no?

Yes, I'm saying no.

I just thought it would be
a gesture. It would be nice.

- She'd be perfect for it.
- I thought I made my nice gesture

- with your daughter.
- We don't even know if skylar's gonna go to college.

I'm not saying it wasn't
a beautiful gesture,

but who knows?
She might be a drug addict.

I don't know what kind of people
can do something like that.

What kind of people... You know
what kind of people we're not?

We're not the kind of
people that kill swans.

That's the kind of people.
We don't kill swans.

We were in bed and we were...
I was talking about that...

I had to tell her, larry.

Don't worry. She's
not gonna say anything.

The two of you
had better keep

your goddamn traps shut
about this swan.

- Or what, larry? Are you threatening me?
- Yeah.

What are you gonna do?
What will you do to me?

- What can you do to me?
- I'll open that closet door

and take every one
of those hats

and destroy 'em.

The blue hat,
the orange hat,

the one with the cockle shells,
the one with the feathers,

and let's not forget the red one you're
making for that asshole stonemason.

You stop! You will not touch those hats!

- I will destroy them.
- You will not touch my hats!

Keep your
goddamn mouth shut!

She will!
You're not gonna ruin a hat.

And you!
How dare you say something?!

Larry, I'm not gonna
tell anybody. Don't worry.

- Hey.
- Hey, L.D.

I was just saying
I feel so nostalgic.

- I'm thinking about my mom and dad.
- Really?

- Well.
- How's your dad?

He's good.
He's good.

Yeah, I'm changing
the headstone.

Great. Great.

By the way, I was talking to the
stonemason on the phone the other night?

What an asshole this guy is.

He butts in on a conversation
that's none of his business,

starts telling me
how jeter's overrated.

What an ignorant moron.

- Okay.
- My god.

Please, give me a break.
There's not one person

who's ever said that
except this asshole.

- Honestly.
- I'm an asshole?

Who are you?

I'm ed...
The stonemason.


What are you doing here?

Did marty's mom's headstone
and his dad's headstone.

I'm doing norm's headstone.

I hope I get to do
yours real soon, prick.

See you later, eddie.

Why didn't you tell me
he was the stonemason?

Oh, you wanted
an introduction.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

What about your policy?
No introductions.

I know, but there's
extenuating circumstances.

No no, you said they were
a stupid social convention.

So I'm hoisted
on my own petard.



Where's jeff?

Oh, he said he was
gonna be late.

Look, he sent me
this email.

Look at this.

He wants me to come clean
about the swan.

- I think it's a good idea.
- No, it's not a good idea. Keep your mouth shut.

Man: everyone, if I could
have your attention?

If you'll please take
your seats,

we're about
to get started.

Thank you all for coming. As you
know, the funeral is tomorrow,

but we wanted to do
something special today,

and that's celebrate
norm's life

in a special
memorial service.

And where else?
The place he loved the most...

His beloved club.

Norm loved nothing more
than coming here

and enjoying
a leisurely game of golf.

Please turn off
your cell phones and pagers.

Thank you.

- Sorry.
- What are you doing here?

- What what what?
- You killed him, larry.

Oh, no. In fact, I have a theory
i'd like to present to you.

May I tell you my theory?

Okay. I believe
this is what happened:

norm had the heart attack
on the 12th hole

near the pond,
am I right?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I think he was attacked
by the black swan.

The swan is dead, larry.

He's dead now.
He was very much alive

at the time norm
had the heart attack

and at that pond
with norm.

Here, the two
of them over here.

I had nothing to do with it.
I'm on my way to the locker room.

I'm here.
I'm over here.

Here's norm
and the swan.

Here's norm.
Kyoko the crazy black swan.

Norm. Heart attack. Down.
That's what happened.

That's why norm died.

That black swan
was a menace.

They should've put that swan
away a long time ago.

I don't know who killed
that black swan,

but whoever did it

was a hero.

A hero.

Ah, Mr. David,
I believe this is yours.


That's some blackberry you got
here. This wheel is amazing.

You can really just scroll
right through those emails, huh?


- Thanks.
- It's always a pleasure serving you, sir.

There's no doubt that he read
your email about the swan killing.

He's gonna tell takahashi.
We're screwed.

We're all screwed,
there's no doubt about it.

There's, uh... There's
an 18% gratuity included.


- That's a shakedown.
- That's a shakedown.

This is as clear
as can be.

I'll take care
of this.

All right.

- All set?
- Mm-hmm.

We'll see you.

Is this, uh...

Is this for real?

Oh yeah.

Yeah, that's for real.

Mr. David,
thank you so much.

- You're welcome.
- This is so generous.

And let's... Let's keep
this between the two of us.

- No problem.
- You know, like everything else.

Yeah, like everything else.

You know, like everything...
Everything else.

Thank you again.

What a generous guy.

I don't think he knew what the
fuck you were talking about.

He had the heart attack right
by the pond. It was the swan.

Think about it.
It's a theory.

Anyway, it was a lovely service.
I'll see you at the club.

Larry, I'd like
talk to you.

Yes, Mr. Takahashi?

I heard about your big
additional tip to waiter.

Such generosity.

You know, most people
don't give additional tip.

Now I know a man
so generous

could not have killed
my black swan, my kyoko.

Of course
I didn't kill kyoko.

I was trying
to tell you that.

You forgive me?


- I'll forgive you.
- Thank you.

Lost a little face,
didn't you?

A little... Oh, a lot.
I lost a lot of face.

- Got your face back?
- Yes yes yes.

- Oh, you going to car?
- Actually, I'm going to see my mother's gravestone,

but it's on the way
to the parking lot.

- We walk together.
- Let us walk together.

After you, sir.
After you.

I have a couple things I wanted
to discuss with you actually.

Let's get rid of that additional
tip in the dining room.

Nobody wants to sit and do math
after they eat to figure out

- and additional tip.
- No math.

Make it a 20% flat...
Make it 25%.

- Yes, 25%.
- 25%.

- Huh? You like that?
- I love it.

- Okay, Mr. Takahashi.
- I like that.

Very much!

Last time you leave
a big tip

it always
go to the waiter.

They like you
so much.

- All right, you take care.
- Bye bye!