Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 7, Episode 5 - Denise Handicapped - full transcript

Larry embraces the upside of disability when he courts a handicap woman to take to a recital at a friend's house, but she doesn't return the favor when Suzie throws Larry's cell phone in the ocean and Larry loses her number in the process.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.

Who are you listening to?


Who are you listening to?

Um, chee-yun.

- Oh, I'm a huge fan of
chee-yun's. - are you serious?

- I love her.
- Isn't she fantastic?

I saw her at disney hall. I
was in seats right down front.

- Okay, I was at that concert.
- You were?

- Yeah.
- Well, then you know.

- You were right down front?
- She's fantastic.

You're gonna be really
jealous when I tell you this.


I'm seeing her in a private
recital at a friend's house.

- Ooh!
- I love the sound of envy.

It's music to my ears.

- You have a cruel streak.
- Music to my ears.

You know what? If I knew
you better I'd invite you.

Yeah, how do we arrange that?

Well, you know what? Maybe we
should have a little predate.

A predate date.

- A date before the recital.
- Right.

You're halfway decent looking.
I think we could arrange it.

- Wow, thanks.
- Yeah.

It's those compliments
that just keep me going.

Yeah. Yeah, let's arrange it.

You're not some creepo creep, are you?

I am. I'm a total creep.

Okay, creepy.

- I'm denise.
- I'm... I'm larry.


Just so you know, I had
to fire bobby last week.

Well, you know, there's
a technique to firing.

- A technique?
- Yeah, bad news has to be delivered in a casual way.

Like it's not... Like it's not bad news.

If you deliver bad news like it's
bad news, it's gonna be bad news.

If you deliver bad news like it's not
a big deal, then it's not a big deal.

It's like you're in the
hospital, the doctor comes in

and says, "oh good, nice shades.
You have terminal cancer."

That's exactly my point. This
is how a doctor should do it.

Oh, I have to take this.

It's a little bit mean and insensitive,
larry. You should think about that.

I'm thinking about them,
to let them down easy.

I couldn't do that.

Um, I'm gonna go get
some new silverware.

And by the way, susie,
I so want to divorce you.

Hey, did you call the wheelchair girl?

- Yeah, I had to.
- Yeah, you had no choice.

- Once she wheeled out
from the table... - uh-huh.

I... Come on, what could I
do? I'm taking her out tonight.

- You're going out tonight?
- Yeah. I was stuck.

I didn't want her to thinki was.

It's an adventure. It's an adventure.

- Exactly. It's a new experience.
- It's great, new experience.

What's going on with the seinfeld show?

- You writing it?
- Yeah, started writing.

This is gonna be so fantastic.

I know, I'm really
looking forward to it.

- Hey, sorry about that.
- Hey hey.

- No problem.
- My kid never stops calling me anymore.

- Here you are.
- Thank you very much. I had a great time.

- I got that.
- No, it's okay.

- It was a wonderful lunch.
- Seriously, I got that.

- No, I put my hand on it.
- Seriously, I invited you.

Come on, it's the inviter who picks up.

I had first dibs. I
touched it first, larry.

I asked, though. I
think that gets priority.

What gets priority on a
check, asker or toucher?

What is he, judge judy?

I put my hand on it.

Yeah, but I asked you to lunch, so...

You can't just grab the check

if someone has the check, larry.

- That is absurdly rude.
- Rosie, I asked you to lunch.

- This is my pleasure.
- No, it's not. It's my pleasure.

No. Give me the check, rosie.

- Don't you be absurd.
- Hey, come on.

Hey hey hey.

Hey hey, get off. Come on. Come on.

- Is that larry? Larry.
- It is you.

- Oh, hey.
- We were just talking about you.

- Really?
- Are you still gonna make it

to the chee-yun recital at our house?

Are you kidding? Of course I'm coming.

I'm a huge fan of hers. My god.

- Have you guys met?
- You've never met kelsey before.

- Hello, kelsey.
- Yes, this is kelsey.

We just got her six months ago.
Larry, kelsey; kelsey, larry.

Hello, kelsey. Kelsey. Kelsey grammer.

- Frasier.
- Just kelsey. We don't call her frasier.

- That's kind of weird.
- Oh, no?

- Let me ask you this question.
- Yeah?

Have you noticed if she has
any proclivity for chopsticks?

- Why?
- Why would she have a proclivity for chopsticks?

- Well, she's chinese.
- Do you think she is also a kung fu master?

No, all I'm wondering is this:

if you took an american kid
who's never used chopsticks before

and a chinese kid who's
never used chopsticks before,

would the chinese kid do better?

- So the american kid is the control group in...
- She uses a fork.

- Do me a favor.
- What?

First time she uses
chopsticks, give me a call.

- Just let me know.
- Okay, you know what? We have to...

Give me a call and say, "you wouldn't
believe it. This kid's amazing."

- Got to go.
- Okay, we'll do that.

Let me ask you this question:

do you have any concerns

that one of the biological
parents could be a psychotic?

- Okay, I think it's...
- I'm just saying.

You don't want to have a
schizophrenic on your hands.

All of a sudden you wake up
in the middle of the night...

- I hope not.
- Well, she's healthy, I think.

- We'd better go.
- Yeah, we should head out.

- We'll talk to you, larry.
- Bye, kelsey.

- See you guys. See you at the concert.
- Yeah.

- Hey, we're walking in the same direction.
- Oh gosh, really?

If we're gonna have a second date, you're
gonna have to get an electric chair.

- Well...
- I'm not doing this again.

This looks nice.

Where's the ramp?

Where is the ramp?

Are you kidding me? There's no ramp?

Well, I can't... I
can't really eat here.

- Let's go somewhere else.
- You know what?

By the time we get to the car and get to
another restaurant it's gonna be an hour.

- I'm starving.
- I can't walk. I can't...

Well, what if I carried you?

- Come on.
- I feel awful.

It'll be one two three. We'll
be up there before you know it.


Lift with your legs.

- I am lifting with my legs.
- Don't carry it all on your back.

- Larry, hurry up.
- Hurry up?

- Hurry up.
- Shut up!

Two more steps, go.

- Okay.
- Where am I gonna put you down?

Jesus, that really got my back.


I feel it radiating down my leg.

How am I gonna play golf tomorrow?

So you'll take a day off maybe.

I'll take a cart.

Yeah, don't you take a cart anyway?

- No, I usually walk.
- Oh, really?

No, that's not true.

That's not true at all. I never walk.

Walking is completely overrated.
Wouldn't be caught dead walking.

Always take a cart. I'm not a walker.

I would think that it would be
nice to walk on a golf course.

No, not nearly as good as taking a cart.

In fact, I don't do much walking at all.

Generally I'm just walking from one
place to sit to the other place to sit.

Yeah, but I'm not... You
can't classify me as a walker.

- I got it.
- Can I say something?

- What?
- I'm picking up a vibe here.

Can I be perfectly honest?

When I walked into your house
you gave me this look like,

I don't know, like you were
disappointed or something.

- Okay.
- Ah.

The thing is that when...

When we first met

you were wearing a hat.

And then you came to the door
d I was like, "who's this?

Oh oh!"

because you are bald.

You're bald and I didn't
know that you were bald.

Like I said, it's no big deal.

- It's really not a problem.
- I get it.

I get it.

I had a hat on and then baldy showed up.

I just didn't know.

You feel I misrepresented myself.

- You thought I was a hair man.
- It was just different.

- Is it a problem for you?
- No, is it a problem for you?

I mean, you're the one
who has to live with it.

- No, it's not a problem for me.
- Okay.

- It's not a problem.
- You know there's options.

- Have you ever considered plugs?
- Plugs? Plugs?

- Yeah.
- You mention plugs to me?

You mention... You sit at
this table and mention plugs?

- Are you serious?
- Just didn't know.

Yeah, I didn't know when you
wheeled away from the table that...

Mm-hmm, that I'm a wheelie.

- That you're a wheelie.
- Right.

By the way, what's the proper
term? Can I say handicapped?

What is it? Are you
disabled? Handicapped?

- What's the word?
- Yeah, those are...

Challenged? Are you challenged?

Right now I am, yeah.


- Okay. All right.
- Hmm.

Well, there's your
date. That's your date.

- Thanks.
- That was a date.

- It sure was.
- Huh?

Would you like to come in?

Um, you know,

I should probably... I
should probably get going.

Right. Because I'm handicapped?

What? No, of course not.
What are you saying that for?

Oh, okay. All right, then why?

Okay, I'll... I'll come in.

- Great
- okay.


Let's see.


Okay. Okay, keep going.


Oh no. oh!

How do...

How do other people do this?

We just... We go to the bedroom.

- Anything?
- No.



Hey, larry. This is john fowler.

I don't know what happened on
the street yesterday, but...

Jamie: is that him?
He's a fucking asshole!

John: I think it would
be best for everyone

if you didn't come to
the chee-yun concert.

Jamie: I don't want him
anywhere near kelsey!

John: sorry. Bye.

What's up, man?

You got in kind of
late last night, right?

How was the date with
that wheelchair chick?

- I don't kiss and tell.
- Come on, man, what happened?

Well, I'll just give you
the bare bones of it, okay?

Oh shit, you gave it to her, right?

Yeah, and there was
like no reaction at all.

- Hmm.
- And I don't know

if it's because I was bad and
didn't know what I was doing,

or if it's just her condition.

- Did you bring it?
- I brought it.

- You did your thing?
- Yeah.

- And no response at all?
- Nothing.

If you fucking brung it, if you
really fucking brung it, man,

it doesn't matter what the
fuck is wrong with her...

Coma, fucking handicapped,
any of that shit.

I don't think you fucking brung it.

I'm telling you I brung
it. I know when I bring it

and I know when I don't
bring it, and I brought it.

- You did your fucking thing?
- Yes.

- You did the dizzle on her, right?
- I did what?

- The dizzle.
- The dizzle?

You did your dizzle on her, right?

Yeah, I did my dizzle.

That means you did your fucking
thing. No fucking response?

- Yes.
- Bring the fucking ruckus to that ass, larry.

Oh, I supposed you think you
could have gotten a response?

- You're goddamn right, larry.
- Bullshit.

I would've had her ass tap-dancing,
larry. I don't fuck around.

Give me her goddamn number. I'll go
over there and twist that ass up, larry.

- I'm not giving you her number.
- I'll bend that bitch like beckham.

I'll have her ass
like a goddamn pretzel.

You should've broke
that ass in two pieces.

You know what I'm saying? You should've
came back with the bottom half of the ass.

- You know what I mean? What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

I don't really like her that much
but she cornered me for dinner.

Oh no, fuck that. You got
to break up with her ass.

I'll have to do it when I see her.

You can't break up with a
handicapped person by phone, right?

No, huh-uh. No, you got
to do it face to face.

It's not gonna be easy.

Look at this. No spaces.

I can't find a parking space.

Just park in the handicapped
spot in front of the restaurant.

Handicapped spot? How
am I gonna do that?

This is how. Like this.

Oh my god. This is unbelievable.

What a parking space.

How about this ramp?
Are you loving this ramp?

A ramp.

Oh christ. We don't have a reservation.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Hi. I'm sorry, it's
gonna be about 45 minutes.

Oh, table for two?

- Mm-hmm. - great.
Right this way, please.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

This way.

And we're gonna start you off with
a couple of glasses of champagne.

- Isn't that sweet?
- Compliments of the house.

- Seriously?
- Yes, absolutely.

- You do this for everyone?
- No, we don't.

Thanks so much.

- That's nice.
- Wow.

So what did you want
to talk to me about?

You know, that pain in my leg went away.

Oh, good. Great.

- Well, I'm glad.
- Yeah.

- cheers.

I hope you two saved room.

We have some pie,
compliments of Mr. Ted danson,

- sitting just over there.
- What?

- Yup.
- How nice.


But I don't have any room. I am stuffed.

I'm kinda full myself. I don't think
i'm really in the mood for that.

No problem, sure. I'll just
get this out of the way for you

- and then bring your check.
- Terrific. Yeah, great idea.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

- Hey, how are you?
- Oh, hey.

Yeah, you're gonna...
This pie is the best pie

I've ever had in my entire
life. You will love the pie.

Thank you. This is
denise, by the way, ted.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Oh! Hi, how are you?
- Hi.

- Nice to see you.
- Nice to meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you too. Very nice.

Very nice. Little surprising, but nice.

You're gonna love this. It is the
best piece of pie you've ever had.

Honestly, I'm really... I'm
not eating dessert anymore.

Just have one bite.
Have a bite, come on.

I'm not in the mood,
ted. I don't want it.

Thank you. It's a nice gesture.

You're making me look like an asshole.

I had the option of ordering dessert

and I didn't want the
dessert at the time.

- So I don't want the dessert.
- Just have one little bite.

- For my sake. Please, be a friend.
- I don't care.

- Be a fucking friend, will you please?
- I am a friend.

I don't have to take a bite
just because you want me to.

- Have a bite of the pie.
- I'm just gonna get this out of the way for you.

- Thank you.
- No no, put the pie down.

- Put the pie down.
- No, don't. Here take it.

- Take it. I don't want it.
- Don't pick up that pie.

- Put the pie down.
- I'm not taking a bite. I don't want a bite.

Take this fucking piece of
pie and get it out of my face.

- Put the fucking pie down!
- Don't put that pie down!

- Do not put that pie down!
- God damn it!

You know something? I heard rosie
o'donnell beat the crap out of you.

- Oh, really? That's bullshit.
- That's what I heard.

- Rosie beat the crap out of you.
- Bullshit bullshit.

- You big sissy. You big fucking sissy.
- She's saying that?

Is that what she's saying? Get this
thing away from me. Thank you very much.

Rosie o'donnell. That's
bullshit, by the way.

She got me down, yeah.
Okay, I admit that.

She got me down and I
could have reversed it,

but it was stopped. People
interfered. That's all.

How dare you go around
spreading that rumor?

Why are you fighting women?

She started it.

Oh, what a lovely night
for a stroll and a roll.

That's right.

This is so nice. Thank you.


- Larry, hi.
- Hey, larry.

- Oh, hello.
- Hello.

- Hi, I'm jamie fowler.
- Hi, jamie. I'm denise.

- We're dating
- nice to meet you.

- No kidding.
- Yeah, we just came from dinner.

- Well, that's terrific.
- Good for you.

How nice. You guys are... Look at that.

- Together?
- Yeah, we've had a couple dates.

- Nice.
- Wow, that's pretty...

- Larry, I never would have...
- ... Impressive.

These are the people who
disinvited us to the concert.

- Chee-yun? - I
told her about it.

- She was really looking forward to it.
- Yeah, I was.

- We kind of overreacted with that.
- Absolutely.

- We would love to have both of you.
- We misjudged you.

- Both of you please come.
- Let bygones... Just let it go.

Oh, all right. What the hell.

- There we go. There we go.
- Yay yay.

Good for us. Look at us.

We will absolutely give you the
best seat in the house. No question.

Or do you already have it?

- That's not funny.
- I'm so sorry.

- That's not funny.
- She was just overcompensating.

- We'll see you there.
- Please.

- I'm excited. I'm looking forward to it.
- Okay, great.

- So nice meeting you.
- That wasn't funny.

I'm so sorry, larry. We'll call. Okay.

I hate it at the beach.

Who likes the feeling
of sand in their feet?

Even more than I hate the
feeling of sand in my feet,

I hate the feeling of
sand in my sneakers.

And it lasts for years afterwards.

If you wear your sneakers once on
the beach, you never get it out.

- Hey.
- Jeff: hi.

- Is this a gorgeous day?
- Yeah.

- Jeff, let's take a walk.
- I'm comfortable.

- Come on, it's gorgeous. Perfect walking weather.
- It is beautiful.

- It's good for you.
- I don't want to. I'm not in the mood.

- Please.
- No, I'm fine.

Get up off your fat ass and let's
take a walk! It'll be romantic!

- That's nice.
- Do me a favor and watch sammi.

- She's gonna go in the water.
- Sure.

- Okay, thanks.
- Yeah, okay.

See? Don't you feel better now?

Sammi: help! Help!

Help! Help!


- Help! Help!
- Oh, okay.

One second.

- Be right there.
- Help!

I'm coming. I'm coming.


Help, larry!

Larry, help!

- Oh my god.
- Susie: oh my god, sammi!

- Good.
- Oh my god, sammi!

Sammi, are you okay? Are you all right?

- We've got to get her a towel.
- Is everything okay?

- She all right?
- What the hell happened?

- You were supposed to be watching her!
- No no.

I was going into the water but then
I realized I had the blackberry.

- Blackberry? Give me that.
- What? No!

Threw it right in the water.
All my numbers, everything.

- Gone?
- Yeah, all gone.

- Susie's a nut.
- I don't have a record of any of those.

- I got nothing in here now.
- Oh, denise called.

- What did she say?
- Give her a call.

- She leave a number?
- No.

Damn it. I don't have
her number or her address.

- Call information.
- I don't know her last name.

She was in my blackberry
under denise handicap.

That's how I remember these names.

Don't you do that in your blackberry?

You put names down with jobs,

some association so you
remember who they are.

I've got shawn yoga. You
know, the yoga instructor.

- Teresa masseuse.
- I do the same thing.

Like right here I got... Look look.

Nancy big tits. I know
nancy's got big ass tits.

Jonel sweet ass. That's the only
way I know who the fuck it is.

That's smart, you know?

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I can't just vanish into thin
air. That would be terrible.

I mean, imagine doing
that with a walker, okay?

With a handicapped woman,
just not call her like that,

you can't do that. I'll be a pariah.

If you saw the house,
would you recognize it?

I think so. It was at night.

Let's just take a drive.
Maybe we can find it.

- Let's go over there and look around.
- Come on.

I think this is it. I think
this is the neighborhood.

- It looks very familiar.
- All these houses are the same, man.

Every time you go to a white neighborhood
everything looks fucking nice and clean and shit.

When shit is too clean you can't
fucking tell where the fuck you at.

You know what I mean?
Is that her right there?

No, that's not her. But you know
what? They might know each other.

- Yeah, it could be a whole...
- I'm gonna pull over.

- Two women in a wheelchair?
- They got to know each other.

Handicapped people know other
handicapped people, right?

You would think. If you were
living in an all-white neighborhood

and there was a brother, you
would know the brother, right?

- I would know the brother. I would go holla at him.
- Exactly.

- You don't mind me using the word brother, do you?
- No, brother's cool.

- That's perfect.
- How'd it sound coming out of my mouth?

- Sounds great coming out of your mouth.
- Coming out of my mouth?

- Sounds cool, yeah.
- You didn't mind me saying it?

- No, fuck that.
- Okay.

- Brother sounds cool.
- Okay.


That's what it's come down to.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for a woman named denise.

I think she lives in this
neighborhood. I'm pretty sure.

And she's in a wheelchair
much like yourself.

Ah, yeah.

Denise and me and stephan
hawking, we hang out all the time,

'cause we all live in the
wheelchair neighborhood.

No, I'm sorry. I don't know your friend.

You don't know her? You've never
seen anybody rolling around here?

An attractive woman? no?

No. I'm so sorry that I
don't know your friend denise.

- But I've got to get going.
- Where you going?

I've got work to do.

You need some... You need a push?

- No.
- I'm a good pusher.

- Yeah, you're pushy all right.
- Yeah, I'm pushy.

- What's your name?
- Larry.

Okay, larry, if you'll excuse me.

I really was enjoying
my day until I met you.

What is this? Who are you listening to?

You wouldn't know her.

- Her name's
chee-yun. - Hmm.

Thank you.

I'm gonna go over my playlist.

Let us know if you need anything.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- I'm wendy.
- Hi. Um...

Jamie. This is jamie. I'm john. Welcome.

- How are you?
- Hi, jamie. Hi, john.

- Thank you for having us.
- Welcome to our home, larry.

- Thank you so much.
- Thanks for bringing a friend.

- I brought my friend wendy.
- Huh.

- Great.
- That's great. Welcome.

Thank you so much for giving us
the opportunity to hear chee-yun.

Oh hey, any friend of larry's...

- Thank you.
- Any friend of larry's.

You know what? Um, I'll be right back.

All right. Um, yeah.

How did... How did you two...

Hey, o'donnell.

Hey, larry. How are you?

- What's this?
- What?

You're going around telling
everybody you kicked my ass?

- What about it?
- You didn't kick my ass.

I keep hearing from
people you kicked my ass.

- I most certainly did, larry.
- No you didn't.

In a very crowded
restaurant with witnesses.

I don't know where you're
getting that interpretation from.

All I had to do was make one
more move and you were dead.

That's what they all
say... One more move.

It was over, larry. I had
you. Boom boom, you were down.

- Bullshit.
- What can I tell you, larry? Sometimes you're an asshole.

- Oh, I'm an asshole?
- Yes.

- Really?
- Yes.

Well, assholes don't go
out with the disabled, okay?

Check that out. Yeah, she's my date.

- That girl is your date?
- That girl is my date.

- In the chair?
- In the chair.

She's not my first.

- Really?
- Yeah, I date the disabled.

All right, so you got me on that one.

It doesn't mean you're not an asshole
when it comes to checks at restaurants.

That was my check, okay? I invited you.

You were my guest. It was my pleasure.

That is bullshit. It was my pleasure.

- My pleasure, rosie.
- It was my pleasure.

Listen, who got the bill?
I got the bill at the end.

Bottom line. And you
want to know something?

Know what I'm doing next week?
Know what I'm doing next week?

I'm renting a yacht and
i'm calling all our friends

and we're taking a yacht to
catalina. And you're coming.

And I'm footing the whole freaking bill.

You know what I'm doing?
I'm calling your family,

i'm flying them out here
first class on a jet,

putting them up in a hotel,
taking them out to dinner and you.

- Yeah yeah.
- Oh really? How about this?

- We are going to get
started in just a few minutes.

- Please start to make your way into the performance area.
- Right this way.

When this is over, you
meet me in the parking lot.

- We'll pick this up.
- Parking lot.

- Yeah, we'll pick it up.
- What's the matter?

- O'donnell twisted my arm.
- She twisted your arm?

Yeah, telling everybody
that she kicked my ass.

She didn't kick my ass.
You think she kicked my ass?

- You were there.
- I'd stop messing with her.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Why didn't you come with denise?

Well, susie threw my
blackberry into the ocean

so I didn't have denise's number.

Then I went looking
for her and I met wendy.

Wendy? Who's wendy?

Are you kidding me? Denise is here?



What's going on with you?
All these wheelchair girls.

I met her when I was looking for her.

- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

- What should I do?
- I don't know.

Um, enjoy. See you later.


- Larry, we should go in.
- You sure you want to do this?

That's really funny.

Of course I want to do
this. She's my favorite.

Okay. All right.


- Just one second.
- What are you doing?

One second. I'll be
with you in one second.

What? Larry, what the hell is this?

- It's a joke. I'll be right back.
- Larry.

- Hey.
- What the hell happened?

Where were you? I waited and waited.

Finally I called information

and got the fowler's
number. What happened?

Somebody threw my blackberry in the
ocean so I didn't have your number.

- I couldn't get in touch with you.
- Really?


What's that ringing?

Oh, I got a new blackberry.

- Oh, a new one.
- Yeah.

- Don't you think you should turn it off?
- I better turn this off.

- Oh!
- God.

Wendy wheelchair?



You're in the closet?

Hang on.


Who the hell is she?

Wendy wheelchair.

Who is she?

Denise handicap.

- You son of a bitch.
- Prick.

- How dare you!?
- Oh!

It's not my fault.

Denise: bastard.

- Get over here.
- Larry, get back here.

- You coward.
- Can you believe this?

- Running up the stairs.
- It was an honest mistake.

We may be disabled,
but you're disgusting.

Ladies ladies, it's all right.

I'll take it from here.

Get back here, larry.

You get back here!