Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - The Therapists - full transcript

Larry devises an overly elaborate plan to win back Cheryl. He does so by trying to get on her therapist's good side. Meanwhile, Larry accuses Marty Funkhauser of taking charity money under false pretenses.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
It's a mystery to me-

how could you
have lived

with that maniac for that long?

- I don't know.
- Huh?

- I don't know.
- How did you do it?

'Cause, you know,
I'm not that guy anymore.

- No?
- No.

Honestly, you don't look
like that guy anymore.

Look, look how much
I've changed.

- Did I ever dress like this?
- No.

- Your shirt's tucked in.
- I'm tucking in.

- You've got reaI shoes on.
- Shoes, slacks.

You look like
a reaI person,

- not an eighth-grader with silly shoes.
- Yeah.

I used to walk around in sneakers
like an eighth-grader.

I have to say,
I love the new Larry.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- You know what I wanna do?
- Hmm?

I want to traveI
with you-

a little traveling
in Europe maybe,

you know, bicycles-
all that stuff you wanted to do...

- Yeah.
- ... that you used to ask me about,

and "No no,
I don't wanna do that:

there's no golf courses
nearby... "

I don't give a shit
about golf anymore.

I just want
to be with you.

And you know what else?
And I know you love scuba diving.

I never did that with you. You always
wanted to go scuba diving.

- I know.
- You know, I can't see underwater

'cause, you know...
But whatever,

I'll feeI around
for the fish, you know.

Well, it seems like
you've done a lot of reflecting.

I'm a completely
changed man.

The only vestige
of my old self

is that I've still got
the good breath, you know.

That's the thing
you're keeping?

The new Larry's keeping
the minty breath, yeah.

The old Larry
you're getting rid of?

He's over.
He's over.

You know, he hated
your sister...

He did?

You know what?
Forget that Larry.

He's dead.
He's dead.

He's completely dead.


it's really good
to see you.

It is good
to see you too.

It's very impressive
that you're-

- Really?
- -that you're trying. It is.

- I really am trying.
- I know. I can see that.

- I really am.
- I know.

Hey, let's go to the movies
tomorrow night-

movies, dinner.

Come on, I'll take you out
to dinner.

Um, I would love to go
to the movies and dinner.


Let me just talk
to my therapist

and see what she
has to say first.

I just want to make sure
she feels good

- about that.
- Mm-hmm.

I'll call my therapist and see
what she says and I'll call you.


Hey, how much are we supposed to tip
the bartender, by the way?

Don't they make too much money?
I mean, everybody buys a drink.

They get, what,
20% of every drink?

That's insane, isn't it?

Well, they work
really hard.

Yeah, I know, I know.
It's good.

They're on their feet
all night,

so whatever.
Whatever they make- good for them.

They work hard,
you know.

It could not
have gone better.

It was amazing.

I showed up in-
you know,

I was tucked in,
I had shoes on.

She never likes
the way I dress,

but she noticed
the tucked-in

and she was very
impressed with that.

I looked like a man,
you know.

This is great stuff.
It's great progress.

- Yeah.
- I have to say, it's not surprising,

because I'd like to think
I know what I'm doing.

And, oh, I said-
I was talking about the future-

if we get back together,
what I want to do:

I want to traveI
with her,

you know, on bicycles.

Scuba diving- in a zillion years
wouldn't I go,

but, you know what?
I would do it with her. I really would.

Be enthusiastic,
but don't make

any specific promises
that you can't fulfill.

That's my own
personaI advice.

Geez, I said a lot
of stuff last night.

Let's deaI with that
when it arises.

Oh, I might be bicycling in France
in a couple of months.

Again, let's focus
on the next stage.

Well, here's the thing:
I asked her

to go to the movies
tonight, okay?

And the therapist
gave her the green light,

so we're going
to dinner and a movie,

or a movie and a dinner,
depending on the starting time.

Sometimes it works out you go
to a dinner and a movie,

sometimes it's better to have dinner
after the movie,

- so you have something to talk about.
- Movie, dinner.

Let's not even waste time
talking about that.

- Movie, dinner.
- Movie, dinner.

So you take her
to a movie-

after you do the movie,
just reach over,

grab her hand,
hold it tenderly

and tell her,
"I love you. "


- Whisper into her ear, "I love you. "
- Okay.

At that point
she's feeling vulnerable.

And then at dinner-
that's when you have to up the stakes.

That's when you have to tell her you
want her to move back in with you

and she has untiI Monday
to decide,

or that's it.

It works.
That's all I can say.


She might not like it
at first,

but there's one thing
she won't be able to say,

is that the guy who just said that
is a pussy.

No one likes a pussy.

What, you're getting
a lot of pussy from me?

Not an amount
that is not manageable.

That's why
we have to say,

"Monday is
the cutoff point:

Either we're back on,
move back in,

or Monday- whew. "

Okay okay.
I think I got it.

Although I gotta say,

being a pussy really wasn't
my problem with her.

It was more the fact
that I was selfish

- and kind of thoughtless...
- We have to stop.

Oh, okay.

I thought I had...

We have to stop.

Go, whew-
go get 'em.


Je t'aime.

Je t'aime aussi...

I love you.

I gotta tell ya, the new Larry
is really working for me.

Let me tell you
something, okay?

The new Larry can really
make you happy.

I really can.
I know I can.

Just the idea of you
wanting me to be happy

is amazing.

Not just happy,
but really, like, delirious.

- Delirious?
- Delirious.

- Hi.
- What a surprise!

Is this
what I think it is?

Well, we're just...

- Having dinner.
- ... having dinner, talking.

This is
one great picture.

I love it.

It's good
to see you guys.

Hey, can I ask you
for a quick favor?

Nan's dad Dan
has Alzheimer's...


We're having a five-mile walkathon
at Venice beach.

I need you to sponsor me.
Jeff's doing it.

$50 a mile-
250 bucks.

So you want me
to sponsor you?

Yeah, sure.
250 bucks.

"Larry David,"
right there.

It's worth it,
believe me.

You don't know
what Alzheimer's is.

- He's got it bad.
- Really?

What does he do?

He runs around the house
all day naked,

chasing himself,
playing tag.

- It's awfuI.
- Really truly?

He screams at the cat
'cause she didn't vote.


Every time he farts,
he calls the fire department.

Just sign it, please.
Don't make me beg you.

You know...

It is a great cause.

Yeah, sure.

- That's great.
- Of course. It's a damn good cause.

- Oh, thank you, honey. Whoa.
- Thank you very much.

- Yeah.
- There you go- 25 bucks.

- Thank you, Larry.
- Great to see you too again.

It's good to see you guys.


It's so nice of you
to sponsor him.

Come on, what is it?

I know, but I feeI like
usually you would complain

or, I don't know,
give him a hard time, but...

- Old Larry.
- I know.

I feeI like you are
a different person.

Honey, I am
a different person.

I'm so different.


I want you
to move back in with me.

You have till Monday

to decide.


Yeah, Monday.

Then the offer's
off the table.

You're giving me
an ultimatum?


- Oh my God. You know what?
- Oh, okay.

- You don't have to wait till Monday.
- Okay, so...

- Guess what? The answer is no.
- Okay, there's no ultimatum.

- You're never going to change, Larry.
- Take your time.

- You obviously have no idea.
- Take a month, I don't care.

- Don't call me, please, ever.
- What?


Hey, CheryI.


CheryI, the therapist
told me to say that.

- Oh, really?
- I want you to move in. I do love you.

You know what, Larry?
I thought the new Larry didn't lie.

- I'm not Iying.
- Oh, really?

The therapist said that.
He gave me the deadline.

I'm so stupid.
I was actually believing you.

No, believe me.
That was all true,

except for
the deadline part.

The therapist told me
to say that.


But the deadline-

Agh! Agh!



You ruined my life.

You ruined
my life, okay?

- Okay.
- Give her an ultimatum?

- Whoa, okay.
- What the fuck was that?

- I was this close, this close!
- Larry, you're angry.

She's gone.

It's a setback.
It's a setback.

I told you she wasn't bothered
by the high pussy percentage,

- but you didn't listen to me.
- We ran out of time.

I had to see someone else
who was suicidaI.

You know what we're going to do now?
We're going to go to her house

and you're going to tell her
that the whole thing was your idea.

Okay, let's have
a session.

No, I don't want
to have a session.

You're going to tell her that you told me
to give her that stupid ultimatum.


Sorry for popping in
on you like this.

- Hello, I'm Dr. Bright.
- This is my therapist.

- Hi, I'm CheryI.
- Could we come in

- and talk to you for just a few minutes?
- Larry...

It won't take long.

I guess so.

Come on in.



You're on the ocean?


Wow, this is...

these places are expensive,
on the water, aren't they?

My therapist said

that I should do
something nice for myself,

sort of a love-me gift.

And I decided,
you know what?

I've always wanted
to live on the beach.

I can do it now,

- Very good advice.
- Yeah.

Oh, you think so?


I don't remember you telling me
to get any love-me gifts.

- We were moving onto that at some point.
- Oh, really?

- We would have arrived at that.
- Oh, interesting.

So what do you guys
need to tell me?

- Go ahead, Bright.
- Okay.

I gave Larry
some flawed advice.

I told Larry to give you
an ultimatum.

He told me
to say that.

You told him
to say that?

Yeah, because the picture
that was painted of you

was not the person
I'm seeing-

- What?
- Well, no no no. I mean that you-

What does that mean?

I think-
I don't know.

I just had-
it means nothing.

- What did you think?
- I thought maybe

you were the kind of person
who would like an ultimatum.

- And you're not, clearly.
- What kind of picture

- are you painting of me?
- Just a loving portrayaI.

It was- it was a deeply
loving portrayaI.

But- but-

What have I been saying
about her?

You didn't describe her

so I didn't know
what she looked like.

That's why I'm just saying, whoo!
I'm just impressed.

Why would it matter what
somebody looks like physically-

- what kind of advice-?
- You get the face you deserve, right?

The face tells a story.

All right, all right.
The point is,

you get an idea of the person
who I've been listening to here?

- Is it coming through to you?
- Yeah.

So you told Larry
to give me an ultimatum.

Fine, okay.
Now I know that.

- Okay?
- He is to blame.

I'm 90% to blame
for everything.

90%? I think 100%.
100% to blame.

Well, I'm taking
the lion's share.

No, take more than the lion's share.
Take the whole share.

Take it all.

Okay, all right.
No, that's fair.

Yeah, I'm 100% to blame.

I told Larry
to do the-

to hold your hand,
to say, "I love you. "

- The new Larry- it's all me.
- All right, no no no.

The new Larry is you?

What did you say?

You're not responsible
for the new Larry.

I'm the new- you didn't make
the new Larry.

You told me
to take 100%.

I invented the new Larry,
not you.

What about tucking in
the T-shirt?

You didn't tell me-
you told me to tuck in?

All right, I understand
what you're saying.

I'm going to talk
to Dr. Salvin

and figure it out,
so thanks.

All right.

All right, thanks for coming,
I guess.

Why are you taking
credit for new Larry?

I laid the foundation
for new Larry.

you laid foundation.

You're a moron. How could you
suggest such a thing?

It's not
an exact science.

- And I mean...
- Clearly.

I mean, that is unbelievable, seriously.

The thing about it
is that...

she doesn't make a move now
in her life

unless her therapist
tells her.

But the therapist
doesn't know anything about me.

- I'm not represented there.
- No, you're not.

- If the therapist knew me, okay?
- Mm.

If the therapist thought
I was a terrific guy,

- there would be a counterargument to it.
- Right.

How do you get to her?

I got it.
Let's go.

Come on.

- Come on, Bright.
- Yeah, okay.

So you jump out,

you grab
the therapist's purse.

Then I come
out of nowhere,

I tackle you,
take you down,

get the purse
from you.

You run off,
you get yourself

a cup of coffee,
a piece of pizza.

And I return
the handbag

and I'm like a god,
you know.

Pshh, I'll do that shit.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- I'll do it. What the fuck?

You're my motherfucking man,

Is he the greatest?
Are you the greatest, man?

- What's up? That's how we do it, yo.
- You are the greatest.

That's how we
fucking do it.

I walk by,
I grab the fucking purse.

I run down the street,
Larry pops the fuck out,

tackles me, tries to get
the purse back.

I fuck Larry up,
I keep on rolling.


Somebody gotta get
fucked up, Larry, right?

You don't need to-
what are you saying, fuck me up?

When you tackle me I ain't going
to look like a fucking bitch and shit,

- let you fuck me up.
- No. I tackle you

and then you run away.
You run away.

The more fucked up you are, the more
of a hero you're gonna look like.

I'm going to break your fucking teeth,
your glasses or something.

Leon, I don't need to look
like that much of a hero.

Just stopping you and giving her
her purse back's enough.

There's no way in hell.
You can't do that shit half-speed.

It's not realistic, Larry,
if I don't fuck you up.

- Hey, who's this?
- Hello, I'm Dr. Bright.

That's my therapist
I was telling you about.

- Oh, is this Mr. Ultimatum?
- Yeah.

Yo, man, that idea
you came up with was awfuI.

So what's
going on, L.D.?

Nothing really.

What's happening?
What's happening, Leon?

- Larry wants me to mug somebody.
- Who? Who?

- Yeah, but it's a pretend mugging.
- It's pretend.

It's all for fun.

I know you're not
going along with that.

Ain't nobody gonna get hurt.
I'ma grab the fucking purse...

- Leon!
- Larry's going to jump out, try to stop me,

- I'ma fuck Larry up...
- You're not gonna fuck me up.

- You done lost your mind, Leon.
- You done lost your mind.

I'll tell you what:
He's not doing it!

You know what?

This pasty-ass motherfucker
got you into it.

Have him get your ass
out of it.

She's right.

I'll do it.

Eh, fuck it.

There's her therapist.

Okay okay, that's her.
You see her?

Yeah, okay.
All right, let's go.

What are you doing?
What is this?

You look like a rapist with that
thing on. You don't need that.

You know what?
Put the hood up.

Isn't that a cliche?

- It's not a cliche. Put the hood up.
- All right.

All right, good.

I've changed my mind.
I can't do it. I can't do it.

Go do it.

- Give me your bag. I'm mugging you.
- No. No.

I got it!
I got it!

Oh my God.

Now run!

- Thank you.
- You'd better run!

Oh my...

Here you are.

Thank you.

That was amazing.
You came out of nowhere.

- Ma'am, are you okay?
- I didn't even see you.

Yeah, we're-
we're okay.

Do what
you have to do.

How did you-
how did you do that?

I never even saw you-

What was I going to do?
I saw that

and I had
to do something.

I can't believe
what I just witnessed.

Thank you from the bottom
of my heart.

Well, you're welcome.

You take good care
of yourself, okay?

Thank you.
I'm a little shaken.

Shake it off. Go get yourself
a drink or something.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Wait, I never even
asked your name.

It's Larry-

Larry David.

Larry David?

Very funny.
Spread your legs.

That was amazing.
I mean, the way you swept in

and took controI-
that didn't seem reaI.

It was reaI.
I can tell you that.

I'm still a little shaky,
I guess.

- It's to be expected. My God.
- That guy-

- that strange, horrible man...
- Horrible.

But you were just like
Clint Eastwood.

I mean, you just
swept in there and...

I have never seen
anything that brave.

Eh, please, really.

I didn't even
think twice about it.

The only thing I did think about
for a second was my glasses,

but that's it- only the
safety of my glasses.

'Cause these are

What do you do,
may I ask?

Oh, I'm a therapist.

- You're a therapist?
- Yes.

Oh, boy, I could really
use a therapist myself.

My wife left me
after a long time and-

I'm not going to bother you
with all this, you know.

That's all right.

Well, my wife
left the house recently

and it's been
quite devas-

- I'm sure it's-
- It's been quite devastating for me,

but anyway...

- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.

But I feeI like
she never really

had any idea
who I was.

All this time,
all these years,

I really hid
the reaI me,

the me who saves people.

And, you know, I have been
doing that most of my life.

You know, I gave
a kidney to my friend...

Oh, I didn't know that.

Why would you?

No, I wouldn't.
I just-

All right, well,
I gotta go.

You are
such a good person.

Do you know that?

- Am I?
- Oh...



So great
to have met you.


I'd better get going.

You take care
of yourself.

Well, thanks again.

So long.

Goodbye, Larry David.

Oh, wow.

How are you doing?

Well, I'm in prison.

Yeah. Jesus.

I spent the night
in a cell

that's smaller
than my closet.

Oh, man, oh, man.
I'm so sorry.

My feet stick out
through the fucking bars.

- Your feet stick out?
- Yeah, my feet stick out.

- You're not even that tall.
- I know. I know.

I'm not even that tall,
and my fucking feet stick out.

- How tall are you?
- 5'10".

- You're 5'10"?
- Yeah.

You're 5'10"?
Stand up. Let me see.

- You're not 5'10".
- I'm 5'10", I am.

Well, a hairsbreadth

You're cheating a little bit.
I don't think you're 5'10".

In the heeI, I am-
that's not the point.

The point is
I'm sharing a room

with a 300-Ib fucking guy
with a hairy back.

Sometimes you make friends
in a situation like this.

They become
your friend for life.

He doesn't
speak English.

Okay, all right.

Oh, good news:

After you were
taken away...


...the therapist and I
went to have coffee-

whew, the plan worked

I'm pretty optimistic.
And you know what?

Thank you. 'Cause you were
there at its inception.

You pushed it through.

I'm very happy for you,

but it's not top of the list
of my priorities right now.

We're going to get you out of here.
Don't worry about it.

Do we have a time frame?
Can you give me a time frame?

- 24 hours...
- Okay, I think I can-

...48 at the most.

- What's after 48? 72?
- 72, yeah.

58, 68- right, 72.
And then...

Don't say "and then... "

What do you mean, 72?
That's beyond what-


Please, let's aim
for 24.

You got
a deck of cards?

Can you play solitaire or anything?
What can you do here?

I don't have a deck of cards, but yes,
I do know how to play solitaire.

I should have brought a deck of cards.
Damn it. It's always good

to have a deck of cards,
no matter where you are.

What are you talking about?
Just get me out of fucking prison.

I'm not talking
about cards.

Just get me out of
fucking prison, please.

I'm sorry,
we're going to have to stop.

We have more time.

CheryI's getting out
of her therapy appointment

and I really need
to talk to her.

I've not spoken to anyone normaI
in 24 hours

and I'm scared.

We have to stop.

- Hello?
- Oh, hi, CheryI.

How did your session
go today?

Larry, I've spoken
to my therapist

and she told me I shouldn't ever be
speaking to you again.

She said that?

Yeah. I'm sorry,
Larry, really.

Are you kidding?

I should go. I should go.
Goodbye, Larry.

Hey, CheryI!

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Excuse me.

- Hey.
- You're not gonna believe this:

CheryI called me up,
told me

that her therapist
urged her-

urged her
never to see me again.

That makes
no sense whatsoever.

- Oh my God.
- Huh?


She likes me.

Her therapist likes me.

That's why she told CheryI
not to see me.

She wants me for herself.

- Oh my God! Oh my God!
- Huh?

What am I going to do?

If I reject her,

she'll say bad things
about me to CheryI.

And If I'm nice to her,
she'll think I'm interested.

Oh, you are screwed.

I've got to get out of this.
What am I going to do?

I think you're fucked.
That's what I think.


- Is that Funkhouser?
- Yeah.

What is he doing here?
He's supposed to be walking.

He's having
a cup of coffee?

I'll see you later.


L.D., how are
you doing, paI?

Where's your shirt?

What are you doing?
You're supposed to be walking.

I raised money.
I don't walk.

You didn't tell me
you were sitting.

I wouldn't have given you money
in the first place.

- I didn't say I was walking.
- The walking's implied, is it not?

No, I said, "Sponsor me
for the walkathon. "

Okay, walkathon-

Why do you want me
to walk?

You took money
under false pretenses.

So you don't care
about Alzheimer's?


You were diagnosed
with Alzheimer's?!

Yeah, and you're
the first person I've told.

I haven't told anybody.

You're the only one
who knows.

- So this is just the very earliest onset?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's not early.
I'm sort of halfway

between early and middle.
What's that called?

I don't know if there's
a term for that.

Maybe I have a quarter...?

I have to
confess something.

After we met
and connected,

I was hoping that,
you know,

maybe there was
some kind of future.

In three to five years
I'll be a vegetable.

Listen, you helped me
the other day

and I want to help you.

I forgot your name.

You must go back
with your wife.

Hearing this news-
you must go back with your wife.

Oh my God. Yes, I know,
but what can you do?

Well, you never know.

Let's order.
I'm getting hungry.

- We did order.
- We did?

Yeah, you had
the chicken salad.

- I ordered chicken salad?
- Yeah. Do you not like-?

- I don't even like chicken salad.
- Oh my God.

- God damn it.
- No no no, we'll switch.

- Excuse me, Dr. Salvin?
- Oh, yes.

I'm detective Kennan,

I talked to your assistant.
She told me I could

find you here
with Mr. David.

I have some questions
about your purse-snatching.

Now I understand you didn't
get a look at the guy, but that you did.

We actually have
the guy already.

I just want some basic information
so we can keep him.

So, what did he
look like?

I- I don't remember.

Aw, Jeez.

There he is.
There's my guy.

Hey ya, Bright.
Hey ya, Bright boy.


How's it going?

Uh, not too good.

What's the matter?
You seem a little down.

I don't know what
I'm gonna do with my life.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, hey, get this:

I'm going out with CheryI tonight.
I've got a date with CheryI.

- Good.
- It's fantastic. I'm so thrilled.

Come on.
I'm pretty excited, Bright.

I think
it's going to work out.

You did it.
That was-

There you go,
big winner.


That is so sweet.
Thank you.

- Let's go on the Ferris wheeI.
- Okay.

It's the most bizarre
experience of my life

and I just need someone
to speak to about it

because I can't work
and I can't sleep.

And you come
highly recommended.

Why don't you start
from the beginning?

Um, well,
one of my clients

is this bald guy, um...

I want you
to move back in with me.

You have till Monday
to decide.


- Really?
- Yeah.

- I love you, Larry.
- I love you.

Hi, Dr. Salvin.