Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Korean Bookie - full transcript

Larry takes his chances with a Korean Bookie. While Cheryl's friends get married on the beach, Larry accuses the Korean Bookie of cooking up Jeff's dog and serving him for dinner.

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Larry! God, Larry, come on, what are you
doing? We're late for the barbecue.

- Oh, okay.
- Mark and Marla are going to...

- I'm all ready.
- Okay, all right.

- What are you doing?
- I'm getting a jacket.

- Oh, you're not going to need a jacket.
- No, I am...

It's at the beach...

No, it gets chilly at night at
the beach, are you kidding?

There'll be a fire.
Why are you wearing corduroys?

I'll leave it in the car.
What's the big deal?

I think you're just
a little overdressed.

All you need are
flip-flops and jeans.



You know the story
of the three little pigs,

the one who built
his house with bricks?

- Yes.
- That's me.

- Okay.
- I build my house with bricks.

I build my house
with bricks.

- And by the way...
- I'm the third pig.

- When we get there...
- Think of me that way, the third pig.

I will think of you
as the third pig.

When we get there,
will you please apologize to Mark

for the way you treated him
at the seder?

Accusing him of stealing
your newspapers?

I already apologized
to him, I told you that.

I'm still not convinced he didn't take
it. What do you think about that?

...scared to go to bed



'cause the freaks at Dupont
might get out of the cave.

I don't know how you can eat
this thing, really.

- You want a bite?
- Huh?

Why don't you just
burn everything you eat to a cinder?

Why stop
at the marshmallow?

- Aw, come on...
- They're toasting.

- It's a light toasting.
- Doesn't matter.

It's the situation.
We're sitting around a campfire.

- That's why we're doing this.
- It's a fun...

I don't want to spoil your fun.
You're having a good time.

I'm just saying
it's idiotic what you're doing.

Try this one.
Try one.

No, it doesn't taste good.
I don't want it.

Thank you
for your opinion, Larry.

That's a perfect
fire I built.

Whose idea was it
to have s'mores tonight?

He can't handle the truth.

- I'm cold. I'm gonna get my jacket.
- What?

- Love those s'mores.
- He should just try it.

Another perfect one.
Who's ready?

Who drank all the beer?

Somebody's been
drinking all the beer.

- Hey.
- Hey.

My jacket's
not in the car.

- What do you mean?
- Ddidn't I put the jacket in the car?

You said that
you brought it with you.

I brought it with me,
I put it in the back seat, right?

And I looked in the front seat
and the trunk.

- That's really strange.
- Huh?

That's bizarre.

'Cause I know
you brought it.

'Cause I made fun
of you.

What, what are you
looking at?

That's my jacket.

Marla's wearing my jacket.

She took my jacket
from the car?

What is that?

Maybe she was walking by and saw it
in the back seat.

But you don't go into someone's car
and take their coat.

- She just grabbed it, she was cold.
- It's not her coat though.

Okay, well, it's not a big deal.
Let's not make it a big deal.

Everyone?

- Uh, we have an announcement.
- Yeah.

We want you guys

to clear your calendars

and hold the date
of the 14th

and come back here where we're going
to be getting married.

Oh my God!

Congratulations.

Oh my God,
that is so great.

- Oh, thanks.
- Congratulations.

- It's going to be totally cool.
- Mazel tov.

- That's so exciting.
- Oh, thank you.

Congratulations!

That's great...
great news.

I mean it just couldn't have been
more perfect.

Yeah, good, good.

Brr.

Whew!

- We're just happy.
- It's cold.

Where did you get that jacket?

Oh, I got it
from one of the cars.

Oh, okay.
Okay, no wonder...

- I was just so cold.
- Yeah, 'cause...

yeah, 'cause that's...

you got it from my car.
That's actually my jacket.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I was so cold.

Yeah, me too. That's why I went
to the car to get the jacket.

'Cause I'm... I'm freezing
and everything.

- Well, thank you.
- Eh.

'Cause earlier in fact,

before we came,
I was taking the coat

and Cheryl was mocking me
for wearing a coat,

'cause it's freezing,
you know.

I'm not gonna take a coat...
what, am I nuts?

I had the foresight

to bring the coat.

You know what I mean?
'Cause I knew

it's the beach,
it gets chilly on the beach.

- You know...
- Bring a jacket.

- Bring a jacket.
- Right.

You know, so I brought
the jacket and...

and I was smart, you know,
to bring the jacket.

Larry, do you want
the jacket back?

Eh, oh... okay.

Here you go.

- Are you sure?
- It-it did its job, truly.

- You sure?
- Yeah, you take it back.

All right, okay, okay.

Wow!

Wowie.
Better?

What the hell is this?
What is that?

Oh...

- it might have been...
- What is that?

- I was eating a s'more...
- Is that a s'more?

It might have been.
I was eating it, it's choc...

but it'll wash out,
it's fleece.

Oh my God.
That's not gonna wash out.

- Look at that.
- Well, sure...

I'll take the jacket with me.
I can wash it. It'll be fine.

- I'd be happy to buy you a new jacket.
- I see s'mores,

I can't stand them.
I don't know how...

l-I don't know what
people eat them for.

So somebody borrows
your jacket,

it's not a big deal.
You know what I mean?

You move on. You don't worry about.
You don't think about it.

How could I sit there
freezing to death

while she's wearing
my jacket?

It's not like there's something wrong
with her and she's got an illness

where she really needs
the jacket.

You don't have
an illness either...

She's a perfectly healthy
woman wearing my jacket, I'm freezing.

Larry, they got engaged
tonight, okay?

This was not about you.

It was not about your stupid jacket.
They got engaged.

Yeah, that's true.

Why would you even
say that?

- 'Cause I was cold.
- Well, so was she.

Well then, she should have brought her
own jacket.

I was the only one who anticipated
that it was going to be cold.

And I should be rewarded
for that foresight, not punished.

You know what? This is really... it's a
serious thing for them to get engaged.

I did not ask her directly
for the jacket.

If I say
don't say anything,

do you know
what that means?

Yes yes, Mom, yeah.

- Mom says...
- I feel you don't know what it means.

If Mom says, "don't say..."
I didn't say anything.

You know how you said
that you were the smart pig?

- Yeah, the smart pig... exactly, yeah.
- That made his house of...

But the thing about the smart pig
that made his house of bricks,

he protected the other little pigs
that came over.

Okay? He watched over them
and helped them,

'cause he was
a generous pig.

Yeah... the pig also
didn't come home

to find some other
fucking pig

living in his house
while he was locked out.

If the jacket were
big enough for two people...

- I know.
- I would've shared it like the pig did.

Pig?

The pig..."The Three Little Pigs,"
you don't know that story?

What pig?
I don't know what pig is.

You know,
"The Three Little Pigs."

One built... the wolf
was after the pigs.

One built his house
with bricks.

I'm the pig
with the bricks.

When did it happen?
In the news?

No, this is a fairy tale.

- Not real?
- Yeah, it's not real.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

All right, so what... what do I owe you?
I owe you money.

- 300.
- 300.

Can you believe I bet the Clippers?
What kind of moron am I?

That is your fault, not mine.
I said don't, you did it.

- Have I ever won on the Clippers, huh?
- Never, never, mmm-mm.

A jerk.

Okay, on Tuesday...

Mmm.

- I think, uh...
- Yes?

- I think I like the Knicks.
- You and I connect.

- Yeah?
- Huh?

They're getting
three and a half points.

- 150.
- Okay.

Okay... I don't even
have enough cash.

- Can I write you a check?
- Make it out to cash.

All right, come on in for a second.
You can come in.

- That's something important...
- That's what I told him.

Hey-hey,
look who's here.

- Boy, what are you feeding this animal?
- What you mean?

He's as fat as a house.
My god, look at the size of him.

What kind of thing
is that to say?

You'll hurt
his feelings.

Like he knows what
I'm talking about.

He knows!
You don't call a dog fat.

You go around
calling Jeff a fat fuck.

Jeff is a fat fuck.
Oscar is just big boned.

He's not fat, he's lean.
He's just right.

- Thank you.
- He's gorgeous.

What do you feed the dog?

Food, you know, dog food.

Where do you live?

Uh, around the neighborhood,
nearby.

Oh, they live
about two blocks up,

big gray house
with white columns.

- Whi-white columns?
- Yeah, can't miss it.

It's right
on the right side.

- Two blocks?
- Yeah.

Um, I'll be right down.

This is Sung;
Cheryl, Susie, Oscar.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Nice to meet you.

He's a beautiful dog.

Why-why did you tell her
the dog's fat?

Why? Because he is fat.
He's gained about 25 Ibs.

You don't tell her that.
You can think that, tell me even.

- What the hell are you feeding it?
- She feeds it, I'm not.

I don't get the whole
dog thing anyway.

- We had a dog... Sheriff, remember?
- I know Sheriff.

It's like having a bum
living in your house.

When everybody hates me,
my dog loves me.

Hey, stop the car
for a second.

- That Heineman's car?
- Yeah, that's Heineman's car.

But look...

he never fixed the dent.

Remember when I smashed into it?
He didn't fix it.

- I gave him a check for $1500.
- Wow!

He won't talk to me since
his daughter jumped off the chair lift.

I'll be right back.

Oy, perfect.

- Hello.
- Larry.

I was driving
by the restaurant

and I couldn't help
but notice

you haven't fixed
the dent on the car.

No, I didn't fix the dent.

Hmm.
May I ask why?

Considering it's none of your business,
I had better use for the money.

- Such as?
- If you must know,

I gave the money to my daughter
who needs it for something

far more important
than fixing a car.

- What does she need it for?
- It's none of your business.

- It's a little unethical...
- It has nothing to do...

...not to fix the car.
- It has nothing to do with ethics.

You gave me my money.
I can do with that money what I please.

Are these pickles?

They're mine!

All right.
Man, take it easy.

- Good day, Mr. David.
- Good day, Mr. Heineman.

Pfft, boy,
that went well.

He said he has no intention
of getting the car fixed.

He gave the money to his daughter,
said she needed it.

Well, that's
a big bowl of wrong.

- You can't do that.
- You can't do that.

Hello?

Hey, honey.

Hey, ask her how the Knicks did.
I got $150 on them...

When?
You're kidding me?

Well, where are you?

All right, I'll be there
in like 10 minutes.

Oscar went into the pantry, had three
boxes of Oreos and now he's gonna die.

- What?!
- He's at the vet. He's gonna die.

I told you you're feeding
that dog too much.

I don't feed him Oreos!

All right, uh...

I'll be in the examining room.
Just wait out here. I'll be back.

Excuse me?
You wouldn't happen to know

the score of the Knick game
last night?

Oh, the Knicks?
Oh, that was a great game.

- Went into overtime.
- Really?

Yeah, they lost by four.

Larry?

- Oh, honey...
- No!

- Oscar's gonna be okay.
- He's sedated.

He's gonna be fine.
We're going to take him home.

- I love that dog.
- Oh, Larry...

- So sweet.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, Larry.

Hey, you got something
from Marla,

- to "Larry David."
- Marla?

The one who ruined my jacket?
That Marla?

- Yeah.
- Really?

Well, give it to me.
What are you opening it for?

It's already open now.

She's my friend.

"Hi, Larry, sorry about the jacket,
Marla."

There's a check.

What?!

A check!

$150!

Wow!

- Boy, you don't see that very often.
- What's that?

Well, somebody does
something wrong

and then they make up for it
with something like this.

This is quite a gesture.

I had her pegged
all wrong, I think.

I guess I should
keep it, right?

Sometimes you rip up these checks,
it screws up the books.

- Yeah.
- It does, honestly.

I'll keep the check.

It can really screw up
the books, these things.

- Well, l-l...
- Really nice.

I'm impressed that you even realize
what a nice gesture that is.

I'm apologizing all the time,
telling people I'm sorry.

I know when I've done something wrong.
I'm not afraid to apologize.

Most people, I have to say, and my
mother always used to tell me this,

"Most people aren't
like you, Larry.

Most people are not
like you.

You're special."

You know?
Everybody's not like me.

No, they're not, no.

When I do something wrong,
I say, "I'm sorry."

It's the big... you know,
you give it up.

You do something wrong,
you say it.

That's what she did.
That's what that check is about.

I know, I know and l-l...
listen,

this makes me feel so much better to
know how you feel about Marla now.

So when we go to their wedding,
it's not gonna be weird.

- It will be comfortable. Yeah.
- It'll be comfortable.

And I have to say,

I thought it was very touching

how sensitive you were
about Oscar today.

Oh, come on...
it's Oscar, man.

- Oh.
- I know, but I don't usually see you...

I don't know.

So... kind of in touch
with your emotions.

- Really?
- And willing to...

I mean, you'd have to be inhuman not
to feel something in a moment like that.

The poor dog is fighting
for his life, you know,

I love that dog.
I mean...

If anything ever happened
to him, l-I don't know...

- I don't know what I'd do, but...
- Oh.

- I'm sure I'd figure something out.
- Larry.

L-I love
that freaking dog.

- You know?
- I know.

Huh. Hey,
whoa, Nelson.

What you got... what you got up
your sleeve here?

I don't know.
What you got up your sleeve?

Am I detecting a little...
daytime sex here?

Is that what
this is about?

Daytime sex?
I love daytime sex.

Then you can just go on
with the rest of the day

- as if nothing happen...
- Okay, okay.

Oscar!

Oscar, where the fuck
are you?

Jeff, look in the garden shed.
He's got to be somewhere.

- Oscar!
- I'm looking.

Have you see Oscar?
Was he outside?

- No.
- He's missing.

- Oscar's missing?
- Yes, he's missing. He was sedated.

We sedated him
yesterday at the vet.

He was lying in the backyard
and now he's gone.

He could barely walk
two steps... Jeff!

- I don't know. I've looked everywhere.
- Huh!

- I have no idea.
- Maybe somebody kidnapped him.

No one's going to kidnap
a sedated dog.

Well, where the fuck
is he, Jeff?

God.
Oscar!

This is crazy.

- You know what?
- What?

- I have a Korean bookie.
- Yeah?

When he was over
at the house the other day...

Yeah?

He saw oscar there. He was kind
of drooling over him a little bit.

So... he likes my dog.

Well, you know
it's not a myth,

they do eat dogs.

- They eat dogs?!
- Yeah.

Some Koreans eat dogs.

- Ugh!
- Well, you know what?

- What?
- I gotta go over there now.

He's got a flower shop.
I gotta pay off my Knick loss.

I'll suss it out.
I'll feel it out.

I'm sure he didn't eat your dog...
I shouldn't have brought it up.

You shouldn't have brought it up.
That made me a little...

- no, no, don't... forget it.
- All right, forgotten.

He didn't kidnap
and eat your dog, okay?

Don't...
don't worry about it.

Oh, no, Marla.

I got it taken care of.
The beach is a good idea.

Yeah, tell Mark
I said hi.

Okay. Bye.

Who has a wedding
on the beach?

Mark and Marla?

- Yes, you know them?
- I'm going to the wedding.

- You're gonna be there?
- Yeah!

- I see you there!
- What are you doing?

- Flower, dumb-dumb.
- You're doing the flowers?

- The wedding need flowers.
- Huh, huh.

Will you say hi to me
or are you gonna dis me?

No, I don't dis people.

- Okay, okay.
- I owe you money.

- Yes.
- Okay.

- Here we go...
- Uh, okay,

Unbelievable.

I'm... I don't
have the cash.

How come you never
have cash, Larry?

I'm sorry, Sung.
I'm sorry.

- No, I see you on the...
- Never happen again, I promise.

- But listen, know what I got?
- What?

I got a check from Marla

made out to me for $150.
I'll sign it right over to you.

- Okay, last time.
- Last time, Sung. I'm sorry, I promise.

- 'Cause I like you.
- Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

- Okay.
- I know where you live.

Oh, you know what?

What?

- You know who I'm liking?
- I have a feeling.

No, not liking, not liking,
Sung, loving.

- Who? Huh?
- Loving.

Celtics!

I knew it, 'cause I think
the same thing as you!

- How did you know that?
- You're going to win!

I think it.
You're gonna win.

- $300 on the Celtics.
- Winner.

- Let's pick 'em. I love 'em.
- Yes.

- I love 'em.
- How does it feel?

- I love the Celtics.
- It feels good, huh?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

Ohh,
mmm-hmmm.

What are you
eating, Sung?

Larry, this is
fresh meat.

It's quite delectable.

What kind of meat?

The best kind.

Only the best for Sung.

So I don't know if you're aware
of this or not, but...

Oscar's missing.

Oh, that's too bad.
He's a good dog.

- Yeah, he's a good dog.
- Yes.

You wouldn't happen
to know anything about it?

Uh, no, Larry.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Okay.

See you
at the wedding.

So, uh, I saw that car you hit
the other day in the parking lot.

- Heineman's car?
- Yeah.

What the...
Heineman's here?

I didn't see him,
I just saw the car.

- What the hell is he doing here?
- No idea.

What's with the hat?

What?
I'm married,

- I can wear whatever I want.
- It does look ridiculous.

You look like you should
be pulling a rickshaw.

- I could care less.
- But nonetheless...

Boy, I tell you something,
this is one hell of a titty festival.

They're all over the place.

Big bosoms
everywhere you look.

- You know what it is?
- What?

Mark obviously invited
a lot of his clients.

Of course, of course!

He gave them all boobs jobs,
invited his clients.

Oh, hey, there's Sung,
my bookie.

- Oh, what happened with Oscar?
- Nothing. Forget that.

Is that Heineman's
daughter?

Yeah. No wonder why
the car's there.

- Look...
- Jesus, look at the size of her.

- What has she done?
- Holy shit.

Heineman told me that he took the money
I gave him, the $1500

and gave it to his daughter
and didn't tell me why.

He said she needed it
for something.

I paid for those things.

You paid for those
giant fake titties.

Come on, man.
What is that? What's up with that?

Okay, we'll talk to you soon.
All right, bye-bye.

- Wow!
- Hello.

Hello.

How are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

You've undergone
quite a transformation

since the last time
I saw you.

Yes, my father thought it would bring
more joy to my social interactions.

- Really? Is that what he thought?
- Yes.

Let me just say this, okay?

"Less is more."

I think you went
a little... too big on it.

It's just my opinion.

Well, thank you
for your opinion.

But we thought they would be festive if
they were appropriately sized.

They-they're festive, man.
That's a festival if I ever saw one.

I don't know what kind of guy you're
going after with those things,

but you're not gonna
get somebody like me.

Oh well, oh God.

All right, whatever.

- Good luck with them.
- Thank you.

- I hope it works out.
- It's been working out.

- Really?
- Yes, it has, absolutely.

- Hey.
- Hey, Larry.

- Is this your handiwork?
- It sure is, yeah.

- One of my best patients.
- Really?

- How are you?
- Good, thank you. They feel great.

My lumbar section
of the back hurts a little.

You went a little big. Were you drunk
at the time you did this thing?

He thinks
they're too big.

This is completely
natural, Larry.

- It's proportionate...
- It's natural at a freak show maybe.

- I think they're perfect.
- Not very subtle.

It's not about subtlety, Larry,
it's about excellence and confidence.

- I paid for them, by the way.
- Excuse me?

Yeah, I gave your father
a check for the car, $1500.

He gave it to you for this.

- Not all of it.
- My check, my check paid for those.

- That's where my money's going.
- Maybe covered the left,

- the bottom portion of the left half.
- Exactly.

Exactly.

Excuse me.

You wouldn't happen to know the score of
the Celtic game last night, would you?

Uh... Celtics lost by three.

Man...

why can't I catch a break
on this shit, oh!

- What's the matter with him?
- I don't know.

Larry?
Larry, what's wrong?

I just told him
the Celtics lost.

Oh, I think
I'II... get my coat.

I'm getting
a little chilly.

Mark, do you take
this woman, Marla,

to be your
lawfully wedded wife,

to have and to hold
until death do you part?

I do.

And do you, Marla,
take this man, Mark,

to be your
lawfully wedded husband,

to have and to hold
in sickness and in health

until death do you part?

You have got
to be kidding me.

- Honey, is there a problem?
- What?

Where's the new jacket,
Larry?

There... I didn't
buy a new jacket.

I sent you $150.
Did you receive it?

- Yeah.
- Well, where is the new jacket?

Well, I didn't buy
a new jacket.

It's my money. I can do whatever
I want with it, no?

No, that was my money I gave to you
to replace the soiled jacket.

I told him to buy
a jacket...

- First, you destroyed my jacket.
...before he sees you again.

I don't need to buy
a new jacket just 'cause you say.

Did you read the memo
of the check I sent you, Larry?

It said, "replace fleece jacket."
Replace fleece jacket.

Unbelievable.

Have you ever tasted anything
like this in your life?

It's fantastic.

Hmm.

- This is unbelievable.
- I've never tasted anything like it.

- What is this dish?
- What, you're talking about this?

- Yeah.
- It's pulgoki.

The Korean florist brought it.
It's delicious.

Oh, boy!

Oscar!

Ah-ah!

Hey, pulgoki's Oscar!

You're eating a do-oooog!

You're eating a dog!

Drink of water here!

We're eating Oscar!

Holy shit, it's Oscar!

Larry! Larry!

- You all right?
- Yeah.