Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 11, Episode 10 - Episode #11.10 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -

Season 11 Episode 10

Episode Title: "The Mormon Advantage"
Aired on: December 26, 2021.

Well, just admit you took
some of my fries. It's okay.

- Did you take the fry?
- I didn't eat your fries.

- Where'd they go, then?
- What's the big deal? Just eat!

- What is the big deal?
- Well, you tell me.

You're the one arguing about it.

- Just say you took the...
- Kids! Kids! Don't fight.

Don't fight.
What are you fighting for?

We're... We're not fighting.


It's your line.

- It's your line.
- No, it's not.

- Uh, wait...
- Let's cut. Uh, that'll be a cut.

I'll see if I can fix that.

- It's not my line.
- Okay.

I think you made a mistake.

Or maybe you did.

- Is this my imagination...
- I didn't forget!

Or is this getting worse?

It can't really
get any worse.

It really can't, but it is.

Well, it'll be all over
very soon,

when the Santa Monica
City Council votes

to repeal
the five-foot fence law,

- and it's looking really good.
- Wow.

I cannot wait to kick him
out of this stage.

Look at him sitting in my chair.

- Oh, geez.
- Hey, Lar.

- Ah. I'm being summoned.
- Okay.

I don't even know
what that means.

it's not my line though.


- Oh, your daughter.
- She's killing it, right?

I've never seen anything
like it in my life.

- Hey, but I did have a note.
- Oh, did you?

Yeah. They're arguing
in the scene, right?

- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- And it's a big whole thing.

And I'm... I'm in it,
and I'm interested,

but then Teddy comes in.

So your note is that we remove
Ted Danson from the scene

so that
there's more Maria Sofia?

I didn't think of it that way,
but yeah.

By the way, you know
you're sitting in my chair?

Yeah, I saw Maria has one too.

So why don't you sit
in her chair?

- Well, that's where she sits.
- Yeah.

- What's up?
- Oh, something's up.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- What's going on?
- You... You'll find out.

- I can't wait, man. Spill it.
- Yeah, I know.

Yeah, you're gonna find out.
Something's going on.

- I'm in.
- Great.

- Hey, Stan.
- Hey, Larry.

Wondering if you could
do me a favor.

- Sure.
- How do I stop people

from sitting in my chair?
What do I do?

Well, there's one thing
I can do,

- but I wouldn't suggest it.
- What is it?

- I can rope off your chair.
- Oh, yeah.

But if there's anything else
you can try, Larry,

I'd suggest it
before we rope it.

Once you rope it,
there's no turning back.

I mean, that follows you
around forever.

You ever seen
all about Sir John Gielgud?

- John Gielgud?
- Sir John Gielgud.

You know, when he was
shooting Julius Caesar,

he had 'em rope off the chair.

He didn't work again
for four years.

You don't want to be another
Sir John Gielgud, do you?

So what'll it be, Larry?

- Hmm?
- Rope it, Stan.

- Rope it.
- All right.

My kit is there,

this is where
I would sit right here,

and have breakfast
in the morning.

- This is a breakfast nook.
- It is a puzzle corner!

You are crowding the nook!

Take your breakfast

and go to... Potato chips?
What is the matter with you?

Why are you eating potato chips
for breakfast?

Leon eats potato chips
in the morning.

That's me talking
in the third person.

My first person loves 'em,
my second person,

and my third Leon person

love potato chips
in the morning!

That is my puzzle corner,
not a nook!

- No, no! It's a breakfast nook!
- It's not a nook anymore!

Hey! Hey!
What the hell is going on here?

Leon is about sick and tired
of this shit, Larry!

This is my cat puzzle,
and this is his breakfast.

And he will not move
his breakfast.

She likes her puzzle. She likes
to do the puzzle, you know.

I do.

Ah, you gon' play
your boy like that?

You know, Leon, I don't think
you've realized something.

- Mm-mm.
- Larry and I

- are in a relationship.
- That's what's happening?

Yes. We are in
a beautiful relationship,

and you... ever heard
the expression "third wheel"?

How about "two's company,
three's a crowd"?

That's wrong.
It's Three's Company.

With one guy and two girls
in the same apartment.

- The Regal Beagle! Regal Beagle!
- Hey! Hey! Hey!

Come on. Take it easy.
Let her do the puzzle.

- Thank you.
- Well, you know what?

You enjoy your puzzle.

Now, don't be surprised
if this thousand-piece puzzle

turns into a 999-piece puzzle.

- You would not dare.
- Would I?

You would not dare.

Larry, you hear
what he said to me?

- Don't you dare...
- Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

My god. I can't take it anymore
with this guy, Larry.

It's him or it's me.

- What?
- Yes.

He goes, or I go.

All right,
I'll talk to him later.

Talk to him now.
Okay? Now, Larry!

Go tell him, Larry!

Hey, sorry about that.

you should be sorry, Larry.

I am. However, um,
it pains me to say this, but...

you're gonna have to leave
for a few days.

Oh, I see.
You're choosing her over me.

No, it's only
until they vote to repeal,

and then you can come back.

I gotta get rep... I gotta get
that fence law repealed.

I gotta get that girl out
of the show.

- You understand all that.
- Look,

I got another Mary Ferguson
coming here, okay? From Arizona.

Know what I mean?
If I get out right now,

I gotta fuckin' pack shit.

I gotta bring all my stuff
for my trip on Thursday.

- You're leaving Thursday?
- Fuck yeah,

- I'm leaving Thursday.
- Oh, okay.

So when you come back
from Asia, she'll be gone.

I feel like something in you,

it... it...
You're enjoyin' this shit.

- Are you insane?
- Happens all the time, Larry.

People fall in love with their
motherfuckin' captors and shit.

Something called, s...
Uh... uh... Stockholm...

- Like... uh...
- Stockholm syndrome?

You Stockholm tappin'.
That's what the fuck you doin'.

- I am not Stockholm tapping.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I am not.
I hate every second of it.

Let's figure out
where you can go.

- Swat?
- No, I can't go to Swat.

You know what? I'll call Jeff.

Okay. I'm gonna go over there,

you know, but I don't...
I'm not gonna like it.

I don't want him here, Lar.
He's a menace.

Look what's happening
in my kitchen right now

'cause of the leak
that he caused.

He has no place to stay.
And listen,

it's only a few days.
He's leaving Thursday night.

And by the way, he's great
to have around the house.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

How'd you like to wake up
in the morning

and have a smoothie
waiting for you?

- Would you like that?
- I'd like that, yeah.

And, you know,
he's a wonderful cook.

He makes a spaghetti carbonara
that I... I...

I've been to Italy.
I haven't had anything like it.

- Really? Leon?
- Really.

Well, no, not really.
I... I kind of made that up.

Does he make the smoothies?

- No. No, no, no.
- What's the straight dope?

You know what he does?
He doesn't eat anything healthy.

If you have healthy food
in the house,

he will not touch it.
And that is a guarantee!

No fruits or vegetables
will be touched.

Yeah, it's just a few days.
Come on.

You know what? I will allow Leon
to stay here for a few nights.

- Thank you!
- I'll do this for you,

you've gotta do
something for me.

- Always with the quid pro quo.
- I don't even know what this is.

Colonel Vindman,
you know who he is.

I love Vindman.

- He's a hero, yeah.
- Amazing. He's amazing.

How many people would've
blown the whistle on Trump?

So, he's doing an event
at the Holocaust Museum.

- Yeah, I know, I'm going.
- I was thinking,

I wanna have a party
for Vindman,

introduce him
to some celebrities,

some Hollywood people,

make him feel
at home in Los Angeles.

That's very nice.
I'll go, yeah, I'll go.

Yeah, of course you're gonna go,

but here's the issue.
I can't have it here

'cause of the kitchen,
number one,

and also, since the surgery,

I'm supposed to lay low
and rest.

How'd your vagina surgery go?
I haven't even asked.

It was good. It went well.

- So you got a new vagina?
- I have a new vagina.

I mean, it's gonna be like I'm
an 18-year-old again. Right, Jeff?

Let me ask you
this question.

- What?
- And I'll say this in front of you.

Would you consider maybe, uh...

me sampling your wares?
Is that possible?

- My vagina?
- Yes!

- Would you mind?
- Not at all, feel free.

- You wouldn't care?
- You have at it, my friend.

- Thank you for that.
- You're welcome.

- I have no say, I guess.
- He doesn't care!

I know you're making fun
of me right now, anyway.

It's not gonna fucking happen.

- Oh, you're breaking my heart.
- Yeah.

So tell him
what you want from him.

- Anyway, what can I do for you?
- Could we have it in your house?

The party for Vindman?
It'll be catered,

- so don't worry about anything.
- So I don't have to do anything.

Party's over,
I go upstairs, right?

- Yeah, of course. Of course.
- Okay, great. You got it.

Should we have a sushi bar
and maybe just finger food?

Maybe a pass around?
Just pass around...

You know, I'm picturing
your kitchen, with the...

You do have that big island.
We could do a buffet...

And just stuff

that's not really hot,
that doesn't need to be...

Just cold food,
like a cold platter, perhaps.

Maybe deli, maybe he likes deli.

What are you humming?

- What is that?
- You know the Oscar acceptance speech,

when they go on too long?

- Yeah.
- So they have to cue 'em to get off stage?

That's the music they play.

You're playing that
to me right now,

- doing the menu?
- Yeah.

Get the fuck out!
Just get the fuck out, okay?

Okay, okay.

We're, um, gonna go
have lunch with Walt.

I'm playing you off!

Cutting you off!

♪ Oh, we in business?

Whoo, my man!

- Hey!
- Hey.

- How you doin'?
- Good to see ya. Yeah, yeah.

- Hey, Walt.
- Get outta here!

Come here, you.

How you been?
It's been forever, you know.

I don't even know
the last time I saw you.

- You look great!
- Thanks.

You know what, I'm gonna hit
the head real quick, okay?

I'll be back
in a second, fellas.

- All right.
- Don't order without me.

Wh... what's the matter?

He just touched my penis
with his penis.

- Really?
- Yeah, our penises connected.

- Who does that?
- I don't know.

He doesn't know how to hug a man.
You have to get your butt back.

You hug a woman,
your butt goes back.

- Isolate the penis.
- Maybe he's never been taught.

You don't need
to be taught that.

It's like an instinct,
like not putting your hand in fire.

Maybe he was so excited,
he just lost track of where his penis was.

No, no. There's never been
a moment of my life

that I did not have
total penis awareness.

- It's subconscious, by the way.
- Of course, yeah. Total.

You know, is it...
Is she dead, Nadia Comaneci?

- I don't even know.
- Who?

Uh, Nadia Comaneci.

- Yeah.
- Oh. I don't know.

Strange. Hmm.

How much crap do you bring?

This is crazy!

I thought you're staying
a few days. What is this?

This is all my stuff.

Just get all this crap
outta here, okay?

I get it. I fucking get it.

Give me a hand?

No, no, no. I just had surgery,
I don't do any heavy lifting.

I'm asking you to lift it up
with your hands,

- not your vagina.
- All right, enough.

Get in the bedroom.
Get... get rid of this crap.

Shit, man. Hey.
You're nice, huh?

All brand-new downstairs
and shit?

Yeah, it's pretty good.
It's pretty good.

Hey, if you want
a brother, you know,

put some nice highway miles on
that motherfucker, let me know.

Get the fuck in the bedroom,
and get rid of this crap!

All right, I got you.

I don't know.
I wanted a little bit more back and forth.

- Morning.
- Is that doable? Okay.

Well, then we'll just...
we'll just keep it here for the moment.

- Morning.
- Morning.


We're going to get started
in the deli in about five.



Roped off your chair, huh?

- Yeah. I did.
- Not a good idea, buddy.

Well, I couldn't stand
seeing that guy

sitting in it any longer.

People are starting
to get ticked off.

It's not gonna end well,
I promise you.

Humphrey Bogart roped off
on High Sierra.

No one on that crew
ever worked with him again.

- Is that right?
- Yeah, true story.

See what I'm saying?
Nobody likes a roper, man.

All right,
everyone, first team rehearsal.

- Hey, Lar.
- Hey, Stan. Thanks for, uh...

- making that rope.
- Oh, no worries.

I tell you, some set of balls,
puttin' that there.

- Yeah.
- Oh, before I forget.

My uncle Michael
wanted to say hello.

He used to work for you
on Seinfeld.

- He was a transpo guy.
- Oh, really?

- For a couple of months, yeah.
- How's, uh... how's he doing?

He's doing okay.
He... he's back in Ireland.

- Grandfather passed away...
- Uh-huh.

So Michael had to go back and
take care of the family farm,

- you know?
- Yeah. Sure.

So he went back.
He's got about 60 acres of land,

about 65 miles outside Dublin,
a place called Goy.

It's got a ton of cattle,

You know, he's a prize winner
potato grower now.

Would you believe that?
He's doing a fantastic job.

He's selling them
all over Europe.

Now he's making really good coin, you know?

But... but Michael doesn't...

He's walking like a Trojan,
and he... he's very grateful

for what you did for him,

and he just wanted me
to say hello to you,

so anyway, thanks, Larry.

I feel very strongly
about this.

A lot of people
complained to me.

And I think
it's a personal freedom.

They do not like that they have
to have a five-foot fence

- in their backyard.
- Yes.

Yet again, we are dealing with
government overreach.

- Oh, yeah. That's it.
- I feel very passionate.

- Come on.
- I feel very passionate on this issue.

Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

Yeah, it makes sense.

Don't five-foot fence me in!

Excuse me, Irma,

the five-foot fence
is a safety issue.

You don't fence a dock
by a lake.

We don't fence the ocean.

- The ocean, really?
- I vote to repeal

this horrible law.

We have had
a very full session today.

I would recommend
that we take a vote Thursday,

on repealing the five-foot
fence rule. All in favor?

- Aye.
- Aye.

the ayes have it.

Uh, we are moving on now

to Councilmembers
Johnson and Chung.

Thank you,
Councilmember Weinblatt.

I propose that the council
direct staff

- to explore possible options...
- That's my wife.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Melinda.

- Cool.
- Regarding the proper

temperature regulation
of food...

- Where'd you meet her?
- BYU.

- BYU?
- Yeah.

- You Mormon?
- I am.

How many wives do you have?

Just one, just Melinda.

- Just one?
- Yeah.

I mean, you got this
incredible opportunity

to get three or four
or whatever.

Well, a lot of people think that
it's kind of an outdated idea.

Seems like monogamy
is an outdated idea.

- Not for me, not for me.
- Boy, oh, boy. Kinda surprised

you're not taking
that Mormon advantage, you know.

It's like a tall guy
who doesn't play basketball.

- No, I'm happily married.
- Yeah. No, of course you are.

So as a reminder,
we will be voting next Thursday

to rename the traffic circle.

After the deceased
utility worker?

- Let me ask you this question.
- Correct.

If I converted to Mormonism,
could I get more than one?

I mean technically, yeah.
But I mean,

you'd have to convert
to a different religion.

- Is there an exam or something?
- There isn't just an exam,

you have to meet with
the higher-ups at the church,

like the clergy of the church.
And they would...

- Yeah.
- They would suss you out.

- I could fool them easily, yeah.
- Well...

It's just that I wouldn't
wanna do the studying.

It's a lot to do, just to have
more than one wife.

Yeah. I gotta say, it's an
appealing proposition though.

Because you have one,

after two days
you go to number two.

You get tired of two,
you move on to three.

By the time you're done
with three, you're ready

to go back to one. It's like
a manager with a pitching staff.

Don't you want a break?

When she goes away
for a weekend,

aren't you secretly thrilled?

No. I miss her sometimes.

Imagine how much
you'd miss her...

if it was a weekly thing.

You'd be missing her
all the time.

Anyway, yeah, forget it.
It's, eh... Don't worry about it.

- I'm sure it's great.
- It is.

Thank you all
for your passionate exchange,

I do appreciate it.
Meeting is adjourned.

- Have a good one.
- Yeah.

Good going.

Excellent. Very good. Good job.

Look at you...
Your glasses are filthy.

What are you talking about?

What are you showing up
looking like this for?

I told you to wear your blazer
with the gold buttons.

Look at you.
It's layering everywhere.

- So what?
- I wanted you to come along

and look smart, okay?

Ah, Councilwoman Yovanovitch,

Councilman Weinblatt,
Councilman Chung.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Hello, pleasure to be here.
- I'm Larry David.

- Thank you for coming.
- Yes, thank you.

I love this. Very educational
and enlightening.

- Melinda.
- Yeah, you remember Micah.

- Yes, of course.
- Oh, how do you do?

- Hi.
- Your husband and I

- had a very nice chat.
- Yeah.

- They have eight children.
- Do you have pictures?

- Yeah, we do.
- Yes, we do.

- You wanna see some?
- That's... I'll see 'em later.

- Sure.
- You're from Salt Lake?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, you... Oh, you're so lucky.

- Oh, you've been there?
- No, I haven't.

- You have to go.
- You have to go.

I would kill to go there.

You've heard the Tabernacle...
The choir?

What's more beautiful
than castrated boys singing?

It's so beautiful.
We have to go.

- Have to, have to.
- We have to go.

Larry is so passionate

- about the don't-fence-me-in...
- I actually...

I am in full support of
the five-foot fence repeal law.

It ruins the aesthetics
of a yard.

- Yes, totally.
- That's great,

because Thursday,
there'll be a vote

and then it'll be behind us.
It'll be over.

- Hmm. Yeah.
- Right. Yes.

Take care.


Oh, yeah, that's good.


- Love a different bed!
- Whoo! Oh, yeah!



Huh? What?


I can't sleep.
Come on, let's go.

- Oh, my God. What?
- Come on.

It's three o'clock
in the morning!

Oh, who cares? Who cares?
Come on.

- I'm ti...
- Let's go. Come on.

I want you.

- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, yeah!

It's gonna be
a fucking nightmare, Jeff!

This guy's a fuck machine!

Oh, yeah!

Shut the fuck up!

What is this, a fucking brothel?

Mary fucking Ferguson!

- Leon!
- Whoo!

- There he is. Larry!
- Oh, hey, Walt.

Hey... Whoa...

- Whoa, whoa.
- Oh!

Oh, no.

Oh, man.
You need a stick or something.

This is all your fault!

- What?
- You came in penis first.

You gotta get the penis back.

- I just came in to hug you.
- No, I know. But that's...

We've been seeing each other
a lot lately.

It's... it's not a male hug.

There's an unwritten rule
for male hugging.

There's no rules to hugging.

You wanna see how to hug?
Hey, watch. Watch this.

Charlie! Give me a hug.

I haven't seen you
in a long time. Come here.

See? Look.

See what's going on here?
You see the separation?

- Yes, I see the space.
- There's a big gap. Okay?

Our penises aren't locked
in mortal combat.

That's like
enemies hugging.

- Okay, get out of here.
- That's not a hug!

That's like an old-time
photographer pose.

Yeah... No...
That's male hugging.

I've been hugging fine. Nobody
else has a problem with it.

Believe me!
They've objected to it,

they just haven't told you.

Oh, great.

Oh, fuck.

- Hey, Lar.
- Hmm.

- Moving, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

Listen, this Leon,

it's like he's making
a fuckin' porno movie.

He's fucking in every room
in the house.

This is fantastic news.

- What's fantastic about it?
- Because he's getting along

with the new Mary Ferguson,
the one from, uh, Phoenix.

How long am I gonna have
to deal with this?

- Till Thursday.
- And then what?

- Irma's out.
- Ooh.

Maria Sofia, Marcos.

- Gone.
- Gone, yeah.

Do you have somebody
to replace her?

- Lily Collins.
- She's fantastic.

- Great, right?
- Fantastic.

I just saw Vindman
in the hallway.

- Yeah.
- You saw Vindman?

Is he gonna sign these?

I hope so.
We bought these books.


Larry, what is this?

- Where are your shoes?
- What the fuck?

- Ah, I threw 'em out.
- Why?

I had an accident outside.
I stepped in the...

- In dog poop?
- Yeah.

Why didn't you wash it off?

Wash my shoes off?
Are you serious?

You want me to go in the sink?

- Yes.
- With what, a file?

They get deep
in the crevices there.

You can't get that out.
Once it's in, it's done.

I mean, I could've
had the one shoe option,

but is that any better?

It's ridiculous.
And your socks are ridiculous.

The socks and the shoes,
not that much of a difference.

- It's like a thin shoe.
- 'Kay, it's not a shoe,

it's a sock.
You know it, we know it,

- everybody knows it.
- Everyone knows it.

Okay, so I'm walking around
with socks.

It's better than coming in here
with a stinky sneaker

in the Holocaust Museum
of all places!

Where's your girlfriend?
Is she here?

No, she couldn't come

because her grandfather died
in the Holocaust.

- Too much for her. Yeah.
- Too much, yeah.

- Oh, my gosh.
- I understand that.

- Yeah.
- What's her name again?

- Irma.
- Irma, right.

She's a beauty.

Hey, um, Ted told me

that you roped off
your chair on the set.

- Yeah.
- I mean, who does...

You know who does that?
Tyne Daly did that...

- Oh, on Cagney & Lacey.
- On Cagney & Lacey.

I remember. Sharon Gless
wouldn't talk to her for years.

- Years.
- Yeah.

You think I wanna be
a roper, huh?

You think I wanted to rope off?

You think I wanna
walk down the street,

have people point at me
and go, "There's a roper"?

No. I don't wanna be a roper,
but I was forced into it

'cause Maria Sofia and Marcos,
they kept sitting on the chair.

They're new to this,
they don't know the etiquette.

It's got my name on it.
A name should be respected.

Well, I have my monogram
on my towels,

- and Leon jizzed all over 'em.
- Okay. Hey, you guys.

- We're in a Holocaust museum.
- I know where we are.

- I know where we are.
- I think you should watch your language.

The point is,
it never would've happened.

But they got me by the balls.

By the balls.

Why do they have him
by the balls?

Oh, Cheryl,
it is such a long story,

I can't even.

All this stuff
is historical.

People always look
like somebody you know.

Don't listen
to a word he says.


Larry, I want you to meet...

Don't even tell me.
Don't even tell me.

- I'm just gonna take a guess.
- Okay.

Mary Ferguson.


So you're going Asia
with this man?

I'm going, Thursday!

- Wow.
- I'm excited.

Where's your
fucking shoes at, man?

- Oh.
- Is it a Jewish thing?

Yeah, actually, if you don't
want to wear a yarmulke,

you can go without shoes.

Oh, shit.
Who... who fucking knew?

- Did you read the book?
- Yeah. Two days.

- Wow.
- I watched the testimony

from the beginning
to end, twice.

- He's amazing, isn't he?
- He's a hero.

- Yeah, he is.
- True fucking hero.

- Did you read the book?
- I like audiobooks more.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, but you can't really

grasp it with an audiobook.

Hey, Larry. Who's that?

That's a Mormon.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please join us in the auditorium.

- The event is about to begin.
- Uh-oh. It's time.

- Here we go.
- Okay.

You are amazing. I mean,

I think the whole country
was inspired by you.

- And your book is fantastic.
- Thank you.

Oh, my god.
Look at that, it's pouring.

Did you bring
an umbrella?

- Thank you for coming.
- You're incredible. Truly.

Gonna get you to sign
my audiobook.

- Terrific.
- My man.

All right, I have a lot
of people to introduce you to.

This is Larry's house.
It's not my house, as you know.

- You know these guys, right?
- Yeah.

- Oh, hey.
- You having a good time?

- Yeah, lovely house.
- Oh, really? Thank you.

Ours is nicer, but we had
to have the party here

for various reasons.

Just trying
to be diplomatic.

Yeah, I understand.

Why'd you wear golf shoes?

Oh, they're
from the museum.

- Those are the ones?
- Yeah.

You're still wearing them?

You know,
they're very comfortable.

They really knew
how to make a shoe back then.

Yeah. Well, they had cobblers.

- Cobblers, of course.
- Cobblers. We need cobblers.

Hey, you want something?
You want a little...

You want somethi...
You want one of these?

- No, thanks.
- I don't blame you, it's dry.

- Can I get you a drink?
- No, I don't drink.

- You don't drink?
- I'm in recovery.

- Oh.
- I mean, as Larry knows,

- I have a terrible relationship...
- Yeah, here we go.

- With alcohol.
- Here we go.

I was a horrible person.

I was blacking out
in council meetings.

And then my personal low,

I woke up, I was 50 miles
outside of Bakersfield,

with no pants on
and a casino chip in my hand.

And I had no idea
how I got there.

That's when I realized
I had to get help,

so I'm in the program,
which is just fantastic.

And I had to acknowledge
that there's a higher power.

You have to give yourself over.

Uh, I had a sponsor.

I had four Steves and one Eric.
And I have to go.

I have to... I have
to go mingle out there.

But I thank you for asking.

God bless you, Jeff,
for caring and asking.

If you ever get into
the situation...

But thank you. Thank you!
God bless! God bless!

- God bless!
- God bless!

Wow! Wow! Wow!

- Can you believe it?
- That's unbelievable.

Works every time.

I read your book. Amazing.

What are you doing now?
Just hanging out or...

Working on another
book project, so...

You know what
a good book title would be?

- What?
- China and Russia on that Bullshit.

- You mind if I use that?
- Take that. Run with it.

- I mean... Yeah.
- That's straightforward. People love that.

You and I have
a lot in common, actually.

- We do?
- Yeah. My dad was in the Army.

Must be fucking nice
being a fucking hero.

- How does that feel?
- I just, uh...

- still getting used to it, frankly.
- I mean, how did you do that?

I could've never done that.
I would be so scared.

It was easy. I was just
up there telling the truth.

You know what's even easier?
To lie.

All you need is five good lies,

and it'll take you through
the rest of your life.

How do you keep
your stories straight?

Just hang around
with dumb people.

Hmm. Well, it was nice
talking to you guys.

It was really great meeting you.

- See you guys in a bit.
- Okay.

- All right. Bye.
- I'll see you later.

Oh, man.

- He's something.
- He's something else, man.

What do you mean? You didn't
hire someone to clean up?

- Why not?
- It's not my house,

- it's your house.
- This is not Chuck E. Cheese,

you don't just come in here and...
and have a... a big party and leave.

- Call a service.
- Larry, I gotta talk to you.

Susie, could we have
a moment, please?

He's all yours, Irma.

Did you tell Micah Johnson
to get a girlfriend?

No, not like that.

Well, Melinda just called me.
She is... she's devastated.

She's... What...
Why would you do this?

Well, I was... we... you know,
we were having a discussion

- about the Mormon advantage...
- Why would you do something...

You know, we've lost her vote.

What? She said she's
not gonna vote for the repeal?

She's not gonna vote
'cause she's mad at you.

- What... what can we do?
- I don't know what she...

What you want to do.

Does she have any interests?
What's her favorite charity?

Well, they're very active
in their church.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

- I'll make a donation!
- A donation.

They need a new organ.
They're always talking about...

- The kids like to play, yeah.
- I'm gonna call her.

I'll fix this, I'll fix this.
I got this.

- Oh, well, be very, very...
- I got it.

- She's very unhappy.
- I'm gonna fix this.

It was just a simple
Mormon misunderstanding.

And again,
I really want to apologize.

Well, thank you, Larry.
I do appreciate your apology.

You know, the Mormons
are a great people.

I hear wonderful things
about them.

I'd like to do something
for them.

I'd like to make a donation.

Nobody's ever seen
a donation like this.

A large donation like that

could make a difference
in so many lives.

I'm also wondering
if it's possible

you could do me a little favor.

- A favor?
- Yeah, I would love

to have your vote to get
rid of five-foot fence law.

It would be great
to have a repeal,

a big, beautiful repeal.

You know, a lot of people have
been talking about that law,

telling me
what a disgrace it is.

Some very bad people
were involved,

- some very bad hombres.
- Really? I... I had no idea.

What about
Councilmember Yovanovitch?

I heard she's voting against it.

Yovanovitch, she's no angel.

She's gonna go through
some things, believe me.

Oh, my.

Uh, and what about
Head Councilmember Weinblatt?

There's a lot of talk
about Weinblatt's son.

His father got him a job
at that construction company.

- You know what they make?
- N... no.


- Fences, really?
- Yeah, fences.

It's a disgrace,
and people are saying

- it needs to get looked into.
- I didn't know any of this

was going on behind the scenes.

Oh, yeah. That's why your vote
is so important to me.

Well, I mean, I did initially
feel this way anyway.

Yeah, the donation
that I was telling you about,

we could transfer that tonight.

So do we have a deal?

You can count on me.

That's fantastic news.
This is great.

Thank you, Larry.
I'm so glad you called.

Me too. Okay. Bye!

You're using
the upstairs bathroom?

Yeah, the one downstairs
is occupied.

Yeah, you know,
the master bathroom, it's...

It's like the bathroom
at the officer's club.

It's kind of off limits.

- I'm an officer.
- Hmm... not in this house.

I heard the call, Larry.

- What?
- I'm concerned by the call.

- It was a perfect call.
- That call was far from perfect.

No, no, it was perfect!
Perfect call!

What you did on that call
was completely improper.

- Improper?
- Let me ask you a question.

Where'd you get those shoes?

Um... my uncle, uh,

was in World War II.
He gave them to me.

I'm sure you could do better
than that, Larry.

Okay, my father gave them to me.

What are you gonna do?

I'm going
to transcribe that call.

And I'm sending it to the head
of Santa Monica City Council.

Why... why would you do that?

It's the right thing to do
to report it. It's my duty.

Your duty? Your duty? Come on,
enough with your duty!

There's too much duty.
You're off duty!

You steal shoes
from the Holocaust Museum.

It was raining.

- You rope off chairs.
- It's my chair.

- And you bribe councilwomen.
- Eh.

And I'm sure
Head Councilman Weinblatt

will be very interested
in hearing about all this.

What? Vindman! Vindman!
What are you...

What are you doing, Vindman?
No, don't do it!

Come on, Vindman.
Come on, give me a break!

You don't understand
what's at stake here.

Whatever I did,
it wasn't half as bad

as your using the upstairs
master bathroom!

That's the real crime!

It was a perfect call!
A perfect call!

Well, that was
a great honor

to have such a hero
in the house today

- as Vindman, huh?
- Yeah.

One of the top whistleblowers
of all time.

That was incredible courage.
Where'd you get those shoes?

Hmm? Uh...

In the... my garage,
they were in a box.

- Oh.
- I think it belonged

to a great uncle,

from, uh, you know,
the old country.

You know, my bubbie,
my grandfather,

Yitzhak Maultsevitch,
he wore similar shoes, you know?

- Oh, yeah?
- I have a photograph of him

- before the war.
- I tell you.


Well, we had a hero
in the house today.

If I could just do something
as brave in my political career.

Let me tell you something,
sister, okay?

You're doing something
more heroic.

You're repealing
that five-foot fence law.

Vindman's gonna be
looking up to you one day.

- Yeah?
- Yeah!

Saying, "I wish I could be
more like Irma Kostroski.

She took on Big Fence."

Yeah, well, we've got the vote,
so we shall see.

You'll be able to run on that.
I got news for you.

When's the last time
you had the passport?

I don't fucking know, Larry! I have
to be at the airport three hours early

for fucking
international flights and shit.

I got a fuckin'
few hours left, man.

I need my damn passport!

Hey, city council's
voting tonight to repeal.

- It's tonight already?
- It's tonight. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Where the fuck's
the passport?

Even if they vote to repeal it,
it's all gonna be meaningless

if Weinblatt reads
that Vindman transcript.

Are you sure Weinblatt
hasn't read it already?

No, 'cause it
couldn't have come until today,

and Irma told me that he's been
at the council all day.

- So what are you gonna do?
- Are those in there?

I know he lives
with his mother. And I'm gonna

- talk my way in and...
- Damn it!

Hopefully find
the transcript.

- Oh, gosh.
- I can't find the passport!

You know what?
I had to get a license to get a passport.

Know what I'm saying?
I used my real full name too.

- What's your full name?
- Leon Luscious Black.

Your middle name is Luscious?

It's Lucius,
but I pronounce it Luscious.

Everybody calls me Luscious.

- Oh.
- Need some help?

Fuck yeah, my flight's
in a few hours, Larry.

I need help.

I can't get on the fucking plane
with no goddamn passport.

I feel like I'm doing my part
by allowing him to be in my house.

Hello, sweetheart.
What can I do for you?

Head Councilman Weinblatt
would be very interested in this.

Oh, bu... but he's not here.

All right, I'll give it to him
when he comes home.

Gotta be here somewhere.

- Shit!
- Any luck?

No. Have you seen it?

If I saw it,
we wouldn't be here right now.

I mean, we gotta be there.
This is international.

- Maybe it's home?
- Maybe you're right.

- It's gotta be at home!
- There you go! I think it is.

Okay, look,
I'm gonna go home.

- Okay.
- I'm gonna get my passport.

And you go to the airport
right now.

- Hold the gate up.
- Okay.

Once they close that fucking door,
that's it! I can't get on!

- I'll meet you there.
- Before you get to the gate,

grab me one
of those neck pillows...

- Okay.
- And two Slim Jims.

- They don't have 'em over there.
- Okay.

I will be the last person
to board, okay?

- Hold the gate!
- I'm gonna hold the gate.

- All right, boo.
- Meet you there.

I'll be there!

is it possible we could

end the meeting
a little earlier tonight?

We have a lot to cover,
but I'll try to rush it.

- Hi, Danielle. Hi, Simon.
- Hi, how are you?

Hey, how are you?

- Oh, hi.
- Oh.

Mrs. Weinblatt,
I'm here to see Simon.

- Yes?
- Um...

- for Torah study.
- Torah lesson with my son?

We're studying...
We're studying Torah.

Well, he's not here right now.
He's still at work.

Ah. Well, that's odd.
We made plans.

He must be running late,
I guess.

Oh, look, it's cold.

- Come on in.
- Yeah, thank you.

The door gets stuck a little bit.

Oh, thank you so much!

you're welcome, sweetheart.

So... ...what
is your name, young man?

- Len.
- Len?

- Friebush.
- Have we ever met?

It's possible I met you
at the temple.

I wouldn't forget
a handsome man like you.

You don't forget
a handsome face like this.

- That's right.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

What are you teaching?

there's a swirl of controversy

over when the Israelites
fled Egypt.

Did they go right after
the Passover dinner,

or did they linger
and have coffee and drinks?

- Jews linger.
- They sit, they talk.

They talk. How would you
like a cup of tea?

Oh, Mrs. Weinblatt.

- An offer I cannot refuse!
- Good, I make you tea.

Yes, thank you,
thank you so much.

- You're we...
- That's so nice of you.

You're welcome, you're welcome.
I gotten you.

I gotten you. I got, uh...

You want
some rugelach?

Rugelach, yes, yes, fine.

Strawberry or chocolate?

Uh, strawberry.

'cause that's what I have.

Any milk for your tea?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
sure, whatever.

Half and half or milk?

I don't care! Either one!

- Sugar?
- What?

- You want sugar?
- Yes, sugar!

Make it! Make the tea!

you're gonna like this tea.

- Where's Irma?
- I haven't heard from her.

I haven't heard
from her.

Oh, my opa! Oh!

He's sending me a sign!

His shoes. Oh, my God!

Whoa, whoa, hey!
You can't do this!

I'm gonna sue you!
You'll go to jail!

- You broke the law!
- There is no law.

It's been repealed! Bye!

- But...
- And you.

You're fired!

- Ah, shit.
- See ya!


Thank you!

Larry, I'm in!

Pass the latkes,
because Marsha Lifshitz is here!

All in favor of repealing
the five-foot fence law?

- Aye.
- Aye.

All opposed?

- Nay.
- Nay.

Without a majority,
the vote to repeal fails.


- Mom, you there?
- I'm coming, sweetheart!

What was that?

Hey! Who's out there?
I'm calling the cops!

Where's the fence?

We are on
schedule to arrive at 22:30 local time.

We'd like to ask
you now to sit back

and, uh, enjoy the rest of your flight.

Is everything okay?

Oh, everything's great.

I'm just so excited to go
on this trip with you, Alex.

- Call me Colonel.
- Yes, sir.