Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 10, Episode 6 - Episode #10.6 - full transcript
You can't park there.
You don't have a sticker.
- Yeah.
- A handicapped... This is a handicapped spot.
Yeah, I'm just gonna be
a minute.
Two minutes at the most.
Yeah, I know,
but people coming to use
my son's store, here.
My son Joseph owns this store,
so you really can't park there.
So you're Mocha Joe's mom.
Yeah, yeah.
My name's Jane.
- Mocha Jane.
- Yeah, that's me. Mocha Jane.
But you can't park here,
because it's handicapped.
You know what,
Mocha Jane?
There are no spaces in this lot.
- But it's for handicapped.
- I just have to go into my store
and drop this off.
You're Latte Larry!
Oh, I should have known.
Joseph told me about you.
We're gonna take you down,
Latte Larry.
We shall see, Mocha Jane.
We shall see.
Jane:
What is this world coming to?
Hey, do me a favor.
Put those in storage.
Hey, hey.
- Ah. Hello, Freddy.
- Good to see you.
- What brings you here?
- I wanted to see, uh, the Colosseum
before the gladiators
started fighting.
I got some great things
happening here.
It looks like it.
The bones are great.
We got tables here, okay?
And what are they gonna have
next to them?
A little coat rack.
- For coats. Cool.
- Yeah.
And Purell, every table.
A little squirt,
and you're ready
for your muffin.
Who's coming in? Howie
Mandel and his family every day?
All right. Okay. Forget that.
Now I want to show you
the thing I'm most proud of.
Freddy:
That's what I want to see.
Welcome
to the 21st century bathroom.
- Uh-huh. Yep.
- Splash-free.
Look. First you got
the snow shoes down there.
You step on those.
See how it lifts up?
Okay, now, watch this.
You set it to your level
- of where your penis is.
- Uh-huh.
I feel like I'm with Howard
Hughes right before the nails go big.
No, I do.
- It's cool, though.
- It's, uh, it's quite an advancement.
- I'm so proud of these boys.
- You should be.
- I am. Look at this.
- And where's the can?
Where's the shitter?
Oh. No such thing.
Well, what if someone has to...
What if somebody has to...
Let 'em go home.
- Then you lose customers.
- Who cares?
I'd rather have a no-coffee
buyer than a defecator.
How about the ladies?
What do they got?
- Let me show you.
- Okay.
Look. Look
at this. Look at this.
See,
this is smart. The ladies get to sit down.
- This makes sense.
- No, no, no. They don't sit.
- They squat.
- I don't get it.
Women don't want to sit.
They're very envious
that we can...
They have... They have pee envy,
actually.
- Look what I've done for them.
- Okay.
See? Grab
onto these bars,
then the knees go in here.
They don't touch anything.
They're not touching.
That's what they don't like.
They don't like touching
the toilet.
It's like a Pilates class,
though. Is it hard?
You don't want to go too
much longer than a pee time.
I wouldn't stay here all day.
And the pants go where?
You know, I don't know.
Whatever they do with them.
Come and join me.
Saddle up.
- You all right? Okay.
- Yeah.
- Just grab on here?
- Yeah.
- Grab on here.
- Let's see how we do it.
Yeah.
- Oh, this one feels good.
- Yeah.
- This is empowering.
- Yeah.
- Just this body position makes me feel strong. You?
- I'm really getting tired.
- Did you consult women on this?
- No.
- They'll love this, though.
- Oh, yeah.
- I like the feeling here.
- Yeah. Okay.
- My legs are killing me.
- I gotta get up.
You know,
I got one more idea.
- You're kidding me?
- No.
- One more? Okay.
- This is a tremendous idea.
- A cup, okay...
- Mm-hmm.
- That keeps coffee hot.
- Mm-hmm.
- Like a thermos? No.
- No, not a thermos. The cup itself...
- Heats. Uh-huh.
- Heats, is hot.
- You got plans?
- There's no plans.
I don't, I don't, you know,
how am I gonna do it?
I'd need an inventor.
I know a guy. He's like a patent guy,
he's got like 45 patents.
- Really?
- He's a very eccentric kind of guy.
He's an inventor. They're
supposed to be eccentric.
Marconi used to go
mountain climbing naked.
- The nuttier the better.
- I can text you his name.
- Thank you.
- You look great.
- Hey, Freddy Funkhouser.
- Hey, how are you?
- Good. The mattress king.
- Great to see you.
- The champ, mattress champ.
- Yeah, knock 'em out with a one-two punch.
- Right?
- That's right, that's right. Good to see you.
- All right. See you later.
- See you.
This is it?
- Oh, will you stop it?
- Well, I'm underwhelmed, Larry.
- I don't give a fuck.
- You've been working on it for God knows how long.
Where's some color? You
need some pizzazz in here,
- you want to attract customers.
- Are you... are you through?
All right, look.
I'm here to ask a favor.
I'm having a surprise party
for Jeff for his birthday.
- Oh.
- So, I'm gonna have it on the 20th,
which is three days before
his birthday. He'll never know.
But I need you to help
with the ruse.
- First of all, it's a terrible idea.
- Why?
- Number one, people hate surprise parties.
- No, no, no, no.
- You, maybe. Everybody I know loves a surprise party.
- No. Everybody.
Oh, that's fun? That's fun?
- Yes.
Nobody's doing...
- Yeah.
- He's gonna be thrilled.
The guy's got a heart condition.
We go to the same cardiologist,
Dr. Holzer.
- Oi, that one. Yeah.
- Okay?
Surprises are,
are dangerous!
- He'll be thrilled with it.
- Yeah.
He's gonna love
every minute of it.
- Oh, yeah.
- "Surprise!" He'll be happy.
- He'll be happy? He'll be dead.
- I wanna have it,
he's gonna love it,
and we're having it. Okay?
You know what? I'm gonna go talk to
Dr. Holzer about this. We'll see what he says.
- Whatever you want. You do whatever you want, okay?
- Thank you. Thank you.
How can I help you?
I was wondering if I could
talk to Dr. Holzer.
Okay, do you have
an appointment?
No. No, I don't.
- Are you a patient of Dr. Holzer's?
- Yes, I am.
Okay. Can you...
- sign your name up on the sign-up sheet, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
- What is this?
Andrew "Rusty" Holzer?
Rusty, in quotes?
Uh, that's the doctor's card.
He put a nickname on the card?
Why's he doing that?
- Well, you may have a seat, and he'll be right out.
- Okay.
I haven't seen you
around before. You new?
- Uh, no, I've been here for a few months.
- Really?
- Eight or nine months or so.
- You like it?
Yeah. Yeah, I like it.
So, for lunch, do you go out or do
you bring something from home?
Either.
I guess you gotta be a little
careful of the food you bring in
because sometimes it has an odor,
and it... it smells up the office.
You know,
like on a plane. You bring food on a plane?
- Sir, if you'll have a seat, the doctor will be with you.
- Sure. Sure.
- All right, will do.
- Thank you.
Hey. Am I crazy?
Or did you get
some new artwork in here?
Uh, yeah, we made a few changes
around the beginning of the year.
Yeah. I'm not crazy about this painting,
you know.
What, what do you think
of that painting?
Oh, I know that face.
That's, "Oh, you're
coming onto me."
I'm not coming onto you.
I'm not hitting on you.
Everything's not a hit. People can
make conversations without it being a hit.
The whole world is not a hit.
Okay. Have a seat. Thank you.
It's good to see you, Larry.
What, uh...
Everything okay?
What brings you here?
First, I want to ask you
about this card.
- Mm-hmm.
- "Rusty"?
Andrew "Rusty" Holzer?
I'm trying it out.
Rusty. It's a nickname.
- Who gives themselves a nickname?
- I'm just trying it. It's new.
Most people are given nicknames
for some personality quirk
or trait.
If you ate a lot of
peaches one day,
when you were a kid
and, and you threw up,
maybe you'd be called
"Peaches" for the rest of your life.
Where, where'd you
come up with "Rusty"?
I feel like a Rusty.
- Okay. Um...
- Good enough.
The reason I'm here
is that, uh...
Susie Greene,
Jeff Greene's wife,
is throwing a surprise party
for him on the 20th,
and I'm very concerned
- his heart might not be able to take...
- Mm.
That element of surprise...
Surprise! You know,
everybody jumps out.
- It's scary! You know?
- Right, right.
Yeah. I can see that.
Given the condition
of his heart,
I just want to see if
you're giving that the okay.
Yeah, I wouldn't be comfortable
unless there was a, you know,
a qualified physician,
uh, in attendance.
- Where's the party?
- Scopa.
- Scopa?
- Yeah.
Oh, that's hard to get into.
That's a trendy spot.
- You know, he's a manager, he knows a lot of celebrities.
- Oh.
Chris Martin's gonna,
he's gonna sing.
- Chris Martin?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- You like Coldplay?
Cold... Oh, I love...
- I mean that, that's big.
- Yeah.
- They're great. Yeah.
- That's a lot of pressure.
Yeah, I don't feel good
about this.
The surprise party,
wouldn't do it.
- No. Not safe.
- Huh.
And suppose...
you were invited to this?
- Would you have a different opinion?
- Oh.
- I hadn't, I hadn't thought of that.
- Yeah. Sure.
- I mean, if I, if I came to the party?
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Saturday, the 20th.
- Scopa.
That's a good idea.
I mean, that changes things.
I'll talk to Susie.
Hopefully, we can, uh...
snare you an invite.
Oh. Good enough.
- Thank you so much.
- Hey, my pleas...
- You let me know. You keep me posted.
- I certainly will,
- and, uh, I'll be talking to Susie.
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay?
- Thank you, Larry.
- Uh... Of course.
- May I use your bathroom?
- Thank you.
- Uh, all right.
Be right back. I'm just
gonna use the bathroom real quick.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Why did you pass me?
Well...
I calculated your speed,
my speed, the distance,
my average urination time,
and according
to my calculations,
I would have had to wait
three to four minutes,
whereas you only had to wait
12 to 15 seconds.
I think it was the right move.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It was inconsiderate.
Is that your top speed
on this thing?
- My top speed? Yes.
- Yeah.
Did you hear footsteps
behind you?
- I heard footsteps, and then, whoosh, right past me.
- Okay.
You should have moved over
to the right to let me pass.
You should have given me
one of these.
- You know?
- No, you've got to wait.
You're blocking traffic.
You're in the slow car.
You've gotta let
the fast cars through.
No, you've gotta respect
the car in the front.
I think you have bad walker
etiquette. You're a hallway hog.
- I didn't hog the hallway.
- I'll tell you what.
Can I make it up to you?
Let me buy you a cup of coffee.
Do you mean now or sometime?
Yeah, yeah. Sometime.
I'd love that.
I'm Wally, by the way.
- Wally, Larry.
- Larry.
- Yeah.
- Good to meet you.
Look, I've got nothing
against the handicapped.
I've, I've dated
two women in, in wheelchairs.
- Whoa. Two?
- Yeah.
My disabled bona fides
are well-established.
- Are you still dating one of them?
- No, no.
She caught me cheating with the
other... with the other disabled woman.
- Oof.
- Sure. Yeah, pretty good.
So, Susie, I spoke
to the cardiologist,
and I think you should consider
the idea of having him there.
- Holzer?
- Yeah.
He is so transparent.
He's trying to finagle
an invitation to the party.
You know what?
He's not getting one.
We had two dinners
with him and his wife.
Aggressively boring,
fuckin' brutal.
Susie, why does it
have to be a surprise?
Because I want it to be.
What?
You're trying to kill him.
- Trying to kill who?
- Jeff.
You want to give him
a heart attack,
and you want him to die
at that party.
That's your plan, isn't it?
Huh? Isn't it?
You're the most ridiculous
- human being I've ever encountered.
- Oh, am I?
Anything happens to Jeff
at that party...
I'm going to the cops.
What do you think of that?
What are you gonna say? "Oh, my
friend's wife threw him a surprise party."
Here's the evidence.
It's an invitation."
You ruin this surprise party,
I'm gonna fuck you up.
Designer:
Building on basic ideas,
I've come to these
three elements.
You have your coffee cup,
of course.
- Now here's where the magic is.
- Oh, wow.
That is your
heating element, there.
This is all going to be
one thing, of course.
- And the heat comes from here.
- Heat comes from there.
- This is mind-blow... This is unbelievable.
- Yes.
I'm excited about this project
because it means something to me.
Of course,
'cause you hate cold coffee.
- I do.
- I mean,
I'm so sick of taking
five, six, seven sips,
and it's cold.
It's as if coffee
is dictating to us
when it must be consumed.
I'm not okay with that.
I love that.
- Heated cups.
- Oh, look who's up from a nap.
Ah.
Who's my?
Hmm?
Guter Hund!
This is my assistant, Adolf.
You named your dog... Adolf?
I named him after
my grandfather, my opa.
He kind of looks like him.
He's got a handsome face,
but you can tell...
he's stern.
You know what? I have,
uh...
another drawing I want to
show you. You're gonna love this.
Hey, hey.
Hey.
Hey!
Heil Hitler!
Hey!
Good boy. Yeah.
Good boy.
All right. I found it.
Hey. What the hell's
with your dog?
What?
He was growling at me before,
like he was going to attack me,
I was scared to death,
then I went " Heil Hitler,"
and he suddenly walked over
and just lay down.
- What? Why would you do that?
- Why would it work?
Did you put
your arm out like that
- when you said it?
- Yeah, yeah. Like that.
I know what that is.
When I trained him,
I would put a treat out
with my arm up, like that.
Heel.
See?
Here's that, uh,
drawing I was looking for.
As you can see,
these are different elements.
He's a white supremacist.
He named his dog Adolf.
He named his dog
after his grandfather.
Hey, if my grandfather
was named Pol Pot,
I wouldn't name my dog Pol Pot.
Okay, I think he's more of
an eccentric than anything.
- Eccentric?
- He's like an outdoors guy.
He's part of a tornado-chasing
troop called Stormfront.
He had a great shirt and hat.
I fuckin' love those TV shows
where motherfuckin' white guys
get in a fuckin' van
- and chase fuckin' tornadoes and shit like that.
- This is this dude.
- Yeah, yeah.
- No black guys in that van?
No black man would ever
chase a fuckin' tornado.
- Yeah. Why...
- That shit is dumb as fuck.
Yeah, that,
that's so true.
Right. But whatever
makes him weird like that
also makes him great
at inventing.
And that's what we're
talking about here, the cup.
All right. Um...
It's been sitting here
ten minutes. Time to test.
Moment of truth.
Hmm.
I swear to you,
this is just as hot
as it was ten minutes ago.
- That's tremendous.
- Just as hot.
I mean, this is amazing.
Well, you got Boris
to thank for it.
Please, uh,
have him contact me.
I got plenty of ideas and shit.
- Really?
- Give me one off the top of your head.
Okay. Uh, uh...
- Pussy tea. Huh?
- Mm-hmm.
All the taste of pussy,
without the commitment.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Like, put that shit in a tea bag.
Well, I'll put you in contact
and see if anything flies from it.
- Please do.
- I can't make it to Jeff's surprise party.
- You guys going?
- I got big issues with this surprise party.
Jeff has a heart condition.
- Oh.
- Susie knows that.
- You're gonna think I'm crazy.
- Mm-hmm.
I feel like Susie wants to give
this guy a heart attack
with all these people yelling,
"Surprise." She wants to kill him.
You're saying the point of
the surprise party is to kill him?
- Yeah.
- Well, you're... It is crazy.
You don't think like a killer.
You don't have a devious mind.
I do. I think like a killer.
Because there are so many people
I want to kill.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I'm telling you,
she has bad intentions.
I love a good mystery.
I was watching
Columbo one night,
at three in the morning.
This motherfucker
had me convinced
I did the shit.
Man, you are in a tough spot.
Yeah.
Let's think it through.
If you tell him...
She'll kill me.
But then,
if you don't tell him...
He could have
a heart attack and die.
So what are you gonna do?
Oh, I'm not gonna tell him.
Then you'll have
to live with that.
Eh.
Hey, you wanna
play golf tomorrow?
Uh, no, I can't.
I have an appointment in
Beverly Hills at nine o'clock.
Then I have another appointment
in Beverly Hills at eleven.
I don't need the day planner.
I'm trying to think
what I'm gonna do...
- Oh, okay.
- In between.
I can't go home.
Ah...
I got it.
Oh. Hello.
Hello.
Do you have an appointment?
I don't have an appointment.
Do you need to see the doctor?
Uh-uh.
Can I ask what you're doing?
Larry:
I'm just between appointments.
I needed somewhere to wait,
and this is a waiting room.
You're just using
this waiting room...
- To wait.
- That's not done.
This is an establishment.
It's a, it's a business.
And you know what?
My presence here
is helping business.
You go in a restaurant,
you see nobody in there,
you don't think it's any good.
When you see people there,
you think it's good.
Same thing with
the doctor's office.
Oh, it's, it's the hitting
thing? You think I'm hitting?
You've shown up to my place of work,
unannounced,
and now you're just
sitting there staring at me.
- It's not a hit.
- You know, it's starting to feel more like stalking.
You're living in this paranoid
world of hitting and stalking, and...
"Everybody wants me."
There's a certain kind of conceit
attached to this,
if you don't mind me saying.
- I'm just waiting. That's it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Larry.
- How you doing?
- Good, how are you?
Good. Good.
Hear, uh, uh,
any news on the party?
I wish I had some
good news for you.
Oh, no, no. It's, uh...
you know...
I want you to go to the party.
- Susie nixed it.
- Nothing. All right.
Do you think I want Jeff
walking in on...
a big surprise like that?
I'm a little concerned
about him, but, uh...
- I don't have an invite.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- What?
- How about this?
I got it.
You call Jeff,
you ask him out for dinner,
at Scopa,
on the 20th.
He'll go back,
he'll tell Susie.
Susie will... she'll text me.
She'll say no. She'll cancel.
But you never got the text.
No, I'd get the text.
No. You never got the text.
So at the party,
Susie says,
"I texted you and cancelled"
and I'd say,
"I never got the text."
Ta-da! Yes.
No, I don't know.
Um, lying to Susie, that's...
Susie scares me.
Yeah, she scares everybody,
but you-you can't let her run your life.
She's very scary.
I'm scared of Susie.
Are you serious?
Come on.
- I don't know...
- Stop being such a wuss.
- Rusty!
- I'll do it.
- I'll do it.
- Proud of you.
Call Jeff.
- Thank you, Larry.
- Any time, Rusty.
- Never got it. Never got the text.
- Doctor?
Well,
I've got work to do.
I've got waiting to do.
You know,
I've never had a handicapped friend before.
I'd like to have friends
of all creeds and disabilities.
I mean, who's gonna get mad
at a guy like that?
I have a friend
who's an amputee.
An amputee friend? Oh,
I'd kill for an amputee friend.
Wally,
can you speed this up a bit? I mean,
you drive as slow as you,
as you walk, with that walker.
Oh, thank you.
That's not a compliment.
Look
at this. That truck is passing you
on the right lane, you're so slow.
There's a whole...
All those horns,
- they're beeping you.
- I don't think it's me.
Well, who do you think
the honks are for?
- Each other.
- I don't even know how you ever got a license.
Oh, it was pretty easy.
I mean, I studied up for it.
And I went to the DMV,
and I signed up, went home,
waited for my appointment,
and then took...
Yeah, I don't need
all the details of,
- of that particular day in your life.
- Took it...
I'll spare you all the...
- details, but I...
- Spare me. Spare me.
Go ahead. Yeah.
And I sat with the instructor...
Okay, you just said you would spare
me the details, but you're not sparing.
I'm skipping over
a lot of stuff.
Oh, my God!
S-Susie.
Make, make a U-turn.
Make a U-turn.
- I want you to follow that woman.
- Sure.
Yeah.
Here we go.
That lady right there?
Yeah, she's right there
in that, that leopard coat.
Only she would have
a coat like that.
Are we giving her a ride?
No, no, no, no, no.
So, should I honk at her?
No, no,
no. Don't honk. Don't honk.
What is she up to?
What is she doing?
Westside Travel and Tour.
Okay, we gotta find
a parking space nearby.
How about right in front?
What are you doing? You
can't park here. It's handicapped.
Yes. Exactly.
Oh, my God. Ho boy.
Wow.
You can park anywhere
with one of these.
Oh.
Love to have one of those.
Okay.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go
in that travel agency.
- All right.
- You're gonna look at some
pamphlets, brochures,
whatever.
Meanwhile, the whole time,
you're eavesdropping
on her conversation.
- That lady?
- Everything she says,
you report back to me.
Got it?
And what's her name,
in case that comes up?
Don't pay any attention to her!
You're eavesdropping!
'Cause I wouldn't...
I wouldn't know
her name, anyway.
She would be a stranger to me.
Yes. Right!
Right.
Okay.
Oi.
You gonna need help
with that walker?
No. I'm good.
- Do you want to come in with me?
- No, no!
I can't come in with you.
She knows who I am.
And don't come back in the car.
- I'm not gonna come back in the car.
- You just came back.
No, I'm going...
- I'm going in...
- Okay, just go. Just go.
- Okay. Back in a flash.
- Go. Hurry up.
This could be a
matter of life or death.
What?
Hurry up.
No, no, no. No, don't-
Don't, don't, don't,
don't come back! Don't come back!
I want sun, I want sand.
I want spa.
- Okay.
- Spa facial.
But nothing too remote,
'cause I'm a people person.
- I like to socialize.
- Islands are good?
- Islands are great.
- All right. I'm thinking...
- Bahamas?
- I love the Bahamas!
- Yeah?
- I've never been there. I've always wanted to go.
- The weather is good all year in the Bahamas.
- Really.
'Cause it fucking sucks here
right now. Look at this...
weather, this rain,
it's so oppressive.
We can get
you to the Pink Sands Beach.
- Ooh.
- We can fly you direct into Nassau.
Only hitch:
I need it rather quickly.
- That's not a problem.
- This is perfect. Let's do it. Bahamas.
Bahamas!
Here I come, baby!
I've been waiting
so long for this.
- I can't wait to get the fuck out of here.
- Aw. Girl.
- Fascinating.
- Okay. What? What happened?
So I went in there.
I did a pretty good job
- of sort of looking through the brochures and everything.
- Yeah.
- They had ones from Japan...
- I'm really not interested in the brochures.
What did she talk about?
What did she say?
She was curious about...
the Bahamas.
- The Bahamas?
- Yeah.
Jeff hates the Caribbean.
- When was she talking about doing this?
- She said soon.
Soon.
And it was something
she was really looking forward to.
There you go.
Thanks for lunch.
I still can't
wrap my head around this...
ticket to the Bahamas.
It's...
- It's really crazy.
- Yeah.
- All right. Well, let's do it again sometime.
- Yes.
Great to see you.
I'm out of town.
I get back on the 20th.
But as soon as I'm back,
let's go get a meal.
Hey, I don't suppose...
you would mind lending me
your handicapped placard.
Would that be possible?
That is assigned to me.
- No, of course. I understand.
- So that's... I had to apply for it.
- Because of my feet and my leg, and...
- Obviously. Obviously.
- Yeah.
- And the alignment in my spine, so...
I'll take very good care of it.
Well, I've never lent it
to anyone before,
but let me just explain to you
what it is. This goes in your car.
- You don't take it down. It just stays up on the mirror.
- Right. Stays up on the mirror.
- Got it. Yeah. Right.
- Yeah. There's no lock.
And you'll see that there's a
person in a wheelchair. That's not me.
I didn't think
it was you, Wally.
The number is G921...
Yeah, you don't have to
read the number. I see it.
- But if they ask you.
- If they ask me, yeah, I'll read it out there. Yeah.
Okay.
I think we're good.
I think I got it.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- I'll see you when you get back.
- Okay.
Leon!
Leon, where are you?
I got it!
- I got it!
- Hey, I'm back here.
Look what I got!
- Woo, what the fuck?
- I'm gonna go change.
- We're gonna have some fun.
- You're goddamned right, we are.
Hit the fuckin' lottery. The
fuckin' handicapped lottery, Larry.
- Woo! Whoa!
- Here we go.
We got the placard.
Let's use it.
The sky's the
motherfuckin' limit.
Oh, no. No. No.
You're not gonna do this
a second time.
- Is that a hobbit?
- No way!
Aah, to hell with you.
Oh, shit.
Throw that shit on.
Excuse me.
Got a placard, there.
Ah! I am so sorry, sir.
Okay?
- Yeah.
- No problem. Have a great day.
You know what? I just might
take a lead pipe to your leg
so we can get one of these
all the time.
What's next?
This arcade
is doing big business.
What is this? Oh,
yeah. I know. Oh, see?
Thank you.
Yeah!
This thing. Wow.
- Turn, turn, Larry! We gotta turn!
- I am turning!
Ooh!
We got 287 tickets.
Let me get that
Wiffle ball, bat right there.
For my man, right there.
Yeah, he gon' love that shit.
- That's for you.
- Ah!
- Yeah.
- Matzo scented.
See that?
- Yeah.
- All right.
Ha, ha, ha.
Where are you going?
- Uh, hitting some balls at the range.
- Uh-huh.
Listen, I, uh, made, uh,
dinner plans with Dr. Holzer.
- When?
- For the, uh, 20th.
No. Absolutely not. Cancel.
- But...
- Cancel.
- Hey, Look who's there!
- That's that racist motherfucker?
Yeah, and he's got the cups!
We're in business.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa. Hey, hey.
Heil Hitler!
Yes, that's a good boy.
Who's a good Adolf?
Ooh!
- Wow. All these?
- Mm-hmm.
- So fast.
- I know.
- That was amazing.
- They're done.
I looked at a spectrum of colors,
but I decided to go with white.
It's the best.
Good choice.
I like this.
This is smart. You know?
And I just made it smarter.
By giving it a power saucer.
- Wow.
- And this is where you get the juice for the battery.
This is so impressive.
Finally, a solution
to cold coffee.
Yeah.
- Hey, hey!
- Nein! Halt! Adolf, halt!
Nein!
- Adolf!
- Nein! Halt!
Guter Hund! Nein!
Adolf!
Was this important?
- Hey.
- Hey, I'm back.
Yeah!
Had a good trip,
a lot of fun.
Great. Great.
The placard.
- Ah.
- I need it.
Yeah. Yeah.
A little problem
with the placard.
The dog ate it.
What dog?
Adolf?
Adolf. So this is
the best excuse
- you can come up with?
- I'm telling you the truth.
That's what Adolf
wanted to eat is... plastic?
Well, he wanted to eat
the Star of David,
which was right
in front of the placard.
The placard was
collateral damage.
- Sorry.
- Are you stealing it? I need it...
- No, I'm not stealing it. I'm telling you the truth.
- To park.
You want to see it? You want
to see what I'm talking about?
There was a lot more to it,
but it all crumpled
and fell apart, and...
I really need that to park.
- Let me buy you a new one.
- If you don't mind, yes.
No, I don't mind at all.
- Go down to the DMV.
- Yeah.
- And say it got misplaced.
- I, I know what to say.
The number is G92...
- Just, just text it to me.
- Okay.
- I will text you the number. G92...
- Okay.
Well, if you're going to text it to me,
there's no reason to repeat it,
- 'cause I'm not going to remember it.
- Okay.
So once you fill that out,
they'll give you a temporary pass.
- Okay. Here you go.
- But the number will be different
- 'cause it'll be a "T" for temporary.
- Right, temporary.
- So, it's T921...
- Okay. Don't worry about it.
I'll get the placard.
As soon as I get it,
I'll go to your house
and give you the placard.
There's no more to be
said about it. Here you go.
- Okay. Great. All right.
- All right. Sorry, again.
Why are you going in a circle?
You could have just
walked backwards.
Easier to go down stairs
this way.
It's easy.
Quick. Ah.
And we're down.
Can't find my cell phone.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Huh. Did you ask Susie?
She don't know where it is.
All right. You're up.
You know what?
You, you go first.
- Wha... What's with you?
- Out of breath.
- Out of breath?
- Yeah.
Five steps.
Just telling you,
I'm out of breath.
How've things been
with you and Susie?
She's been great.
Out of nowhere.
But I'm gonna go with it.
She even asked me
out to dinner tonight.
- I'm meeting her at Scopa.
- Hmm. Really?
Uh-huh.
She's been a doll.
When have I ever said that
about Susie?
- Hey, Wally, it's Larry.
- Hey. How's it going?
I need you to do me a big favor.
Remember that woman we were following?
Uh, yes.
Well,
she's giving a surprise party
for her husband tonight
at Scopa at 7:20.
I need you to wait in front of the
restaurant, and when he walks up,
tell him that there's
a surprise party inside for him.
Why do you want me to ruin
a surprise?
Because he
has a heart condition.
And this could be a matter
of life and death.
Why can't I just call him?
Because he has no cell phone.
He lost it.
I don't know if I have the right
clothes for it. Should I wear a, a jack...?
It doesn't matter.
You're not going to the party.
You're just waiting outside
and telling him about it.
What does this person look like?
I'm gonna send you a picture
and all the information.
Everything you need to know.
I'll text you.
Okay, and you have
my number, right?
Of course I have your number!
How else could I have called?
What's wrong? Buddy.
Susie:
Okay, he's gonna be here soon.
Everybody, lots of noise.
Lots of noise.
Hi. Here you go. Noise.
Big, loud booming noise.
- Lar.
- Big, loud, booming noise.
- Yeah.
- That's what you want, don't you?
The louder, the better.
I don't know
what you're thinking,
- but you're delusional.
- Yeah.
- Leon, so nice to see you.
- Yeah.
Thank you for coming. He'll
be here soon. Lots of noise.
- Lots of noise.
- Fuckin' see what you're talking about, now.
- You see it, right?
- Oh, fuck yeah, I see it.
- That's some shit.
- But guess what?
- Mm-hmm.
- It's not gonna happen.
I got a guy outside.
- Mm.
- Who's gonna tell Jeff
it's a surprise.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey. What are you doing?
Hey, you can't park here.
It's handicapped.
- Sir, I have a walker. I can park here.
- Where's your placard?
I usually have one.
It's just,
- a friend of mine borrowed it, and...
- No, no, no.
If you don't have one now,
you can't park here.
Come on. Now. Let's go.
Come on.
Hey, Chris.
- How you doing?
- Hey, hey. How are you?
- Larry.
- Hey, Larry. Larry. That's right. Jeff's friend.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- You playing tonight?
- Yeah, I'm gonna sing some songs.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Want to sing one with me?
I'll probably leave
before you get on.
I mean,
people pay a lot of money to see us.
Yeah, I know. I don't like to stay
around too long for stuff like that.
I'm not gonna be able
to look at everybody
just looking at you like this
and clapping and singing along.
- You don't wanna...
- It's gonna be disgusting.
- You know?
- I think it's just respect.
Maybe I'll stay.
- Well, I'd prefer you didn't right now.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
Are you leaving?
Nobody's leaving.
Oh, there's nothing.
There's gotta be something.
No parking anytime.
There's nowhere to park!
Let me ask you a question.
You're in your car.
One of your songs comes on.
What do you do?
I pull over.
- You pull over?
- Yeah.
- And you listen?
- Yeah.
- You sing in the shower?
- If I have company,
I'll sing in the shower, yeah.
Why would you want to shower
with another person?
The scents, and the aromas,
and the...
Uh, it seems like
they could ruin a shower.
- Okay.
- Must be hard to get temperature consensus
- in a shower.
- I mean, depends how you look at it.
- Yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- I made it.
- Yeah, you made it.
- Great.
- I got the new... I did the new...
Yeah, you look terrific.
This is uh, Chris Martin.
Oh. Oh!
- Nice to meet you. Chris.
- How are you?
- Doctor...
- What's your name?
- Dr. Andrew Holzer.
- Dr. Holzer. Andrew Holzer.
- Uh, Rusty. Rusty Holzer.
- Rusty.
Yeah. - You don't,
with respect, look like a Rusty.
Well, good to see ya.
- Good to see you.
- Okay, man.
- All right.
- Yeah.
So, um...
- You miss London?
- No.
No. I know it's there.
I love, the West En...
The West End. Yeah.
Rusty.
How are there no spots?
Come on, please!
Something! Ah,
there's a spot. Yes.
Before that, though, I was in Oregon,
a little residency there.
And then about a year
in Carson City.
- That was a whole different...
- Maybe we should get ready for the, uh...
Oh. Oh, yeah, sure.
But anyway...
Oh, God.
Do you have a card?
- Come on, Wally. What the fuck?
- Hey, Larry?
- Huh?
- Larry.
Hey, Larry. We could trade,
- uh, 'cause my number's right there if you need, uh...
- Jesus.
He's here!
Everybody quiet! Quiet!
Get your noise-blowers ready!
He's here!
Oh! Uh, uh...
uh, sir!
Uh, Jeff?
Don't go in there!
Uh, don't... Wait. Don't
go in there. It's a... It's a...
Surprise!
Wow.
What?
Too bad.
Look. He's so surprised.
Look at his face.
Holzer!
What the fuck are
you doing here?
Chris Martin,
don't you dare talk to him.
He was not invited!
We, uh, we had a dinner...
Oh, no. We canceled.
We left you a message.
- I didn't get the message.
- You're a liar!
- Oh, no. I... Ow. Ow.
- You are a liar!
- You're a liar.
- Ow. Ow. Oh...
You're a liar!
- Oh! Oh!
- Heart attack!
- My heart.
- Rusty!
Rusty!
Rusty!
I'm opening up a coffee place.
- You know? Yeah.
- That's cute.
I've been looking for handles.
I really like those
on the coffin.
- I'mma take a quick pic.
- No, Larry.
Would you mind just leaving
for a couple of minutes?
- You're serious?
- This is not a job for human beings.
Nobody wants you here.
- You wanna work here part-time?
- I do.
Ho-ho, well, most of the people
who come in here
are gonna be vile, vulgar,
the dregs of society.
How did I wind up here?!
Oh, my God!
You don't have a sticker.
- Yeah.
- A handicapped... This is a handicapped spot.
Yeah, I'm just gonna be
a minute.
Two minutes at the most.
Yeah, I know,
but people coming to use
my son's store, here.
My son Joseph owns this store,
so you really can't park there.
So you're Mocha Joe's mom.
Yeah, yeah.
My name's Jane.
- Mocha Jane.
- Yeah, that's me. Mocha Jane.
But you can't park here,
because it's handicapped.
You know what,
Mocha Jane?
There are no spaces in this lot.
- But it's for handicapped.
- I just have to go into my store
and drop this off.
You're Latte Larry!
Oh, I should have known.
Joseph told me about you.
We're gonna take you down,
Latte Larry.
We shall see, Mocha Jane.
We shall see.
Jane:
What is this world coming to?
Hey, do me a favor.
Put those in storage.
Hey, hey.
- Ah. Hello, Freddy.
- Good to see you.
- What brings you here?
- I wanted to see, uh, the Colosseum
before the gladiators
started fighting.
I got some great things
happening here.
It looks like it.
The bones are great.
We got tables here, okay?
And what are they gonna have
next to them?
A little coat rack.
- For coats. Cool.
- Yeah.
And Purell, every table.
A little squirt,
and you're ready
for your muffin.
Who's coming in? Howie
Mandel and his family every day?
All right. Okay. Forget that.
Now I want to show you
the thing I'm most proud of.
Freddy:
That's what I want to see.
Welcome
to the 21st century bathroom.
- Uh-huh. Yep.
- Splash-free.
Look. First you got
the snow shoes down there.
You step on those.
See how it lifts up?
Okay, now, watch this.
You set it to your level
- of where your penis is.
- Uh-huh.
I feel like I'm with Howard
Hughes right before the nails go big.
No, I do.
- It's cool, though.
- It's, uh, it's quite an advancement.
- I'm so proud of these boys.
- You should be.
- I am. Look at this.
- And where's the can?
Where's the shitter?
Oh. No such thing.
Well, what if someone has to...
What if somebody has to...
Let 'em go home.
- Then you lose customers.
- Who cares?
I'd rather have a no-coffee
buyer than a defecator.
How about the ladies?
What do they got?
- Let me show you.
- Okay.
Look. Look
at this. Look at this.
See,
this is smart. The ladies get to sit down.
- This makes sense.
- No, no, no. They don't sit.
- They squat.
- I don't get it.
Women don't want to sit.
They're very envious
that we can...
They have... They have pee envy,
actually.
- Look what I've done for them.
- Okay.
See? Grab
onto these bars,
then the knees go in here.
They don't touch anything.
They're not touching.
That's what they don't like.
They don't like touching
the toilet.
It's like a Pilates class,
though. Is it hard?
You don't want to go too
much longer than a pee time.
I wouldn't stay here all day.
And the pants go where?
You know, I don't know.
Whatever they do with them.
Come and join me.
Saddle up.
- You all right? Okay.
- Yeah.
- Just grab on here?
- Yeah.
- Grab on here.
- Let's see how we do it.
Yeah.
- Oh, this one feels good.
- Yeah.
- This is empowering.
- Yeah.
- Just this body position makes me feel strong. You?
- I'm really getting tired.
- Did you consult women on this?
- No.
- They'll love this, though.
- Oh, yeah.
- I like the feeling here.
- Yeah. Okay.
- My legs are killing me.
- I gotta get up.
You know,
I got one more idea.
- You're kidding me?
- No.
- One more? Okay.
- This is a tremendous idea.
- A cup, okay...
- Mm-hmm.
- That keeps coffee hot.
- Mm-hmm.
- Like a thermos? No.
- No, not a thermos. The cup itself...
- Heats. Uh-huh.
- Heats, is hot.
- You got plans?
- There's no plans.
I don't, I don't, you know,
how am I gonna do it?
I'd need an inventor.
I know a guy. He's like a patent guy,
he's got like 45 patents.
- Really?
- He's a very eccentric kind of guy.
He's an inventor. They're
supposed to be eccentric.
Marconi used to go
mountain climbing naked.
- The nuttier the better.
- I can text you his name.
- Thank you.
- You look great.
- Hey, Freddy Funkhouser.
- Hey, how are you?
- Good. The mattress king.
- Great to see you.
- The champ, mattress champ.
- Yeah, knock 'em out with a one-two punch.
- Right?
- That's right, that's right. Good to see you.
- All right. See you later.
- See you.
This is it?
- Oh, will you stop it?
- Well, I'm underwhelmed, Larry.
- I don't give a fuck.
- You've been working on it for God knows how long.
Where's some color? You
need some pizzazz in here,
- you want to attract customers.
- Are you... are you through?
All right, look.
I'm here to ask a favor.
I'm having a surprise party
for Jeff for his birthday.
- Oh.
- So, I'm gonna have it on the 20th,
which is three days before
his birthday. He'll never know.
But I need you to help
with the ruse.
- First of all, it's a terrible idea.
- Why?
- Number one, people hate surprise parties.
- No, no, no, no.
- You, maybe. Everybody I know loves a surprise party.
- No. Everybody.
Oh, that's fun? That's fun?
- Yes.
Nobody's doing...
- Yeah.
- He's gonna be thrilled.
The guy's got a heart condition.
We go to the same cardiologist,
Dr. Holzer.
- Oi, that one. Yeah.
- Okay?
Surprises are,
are dangerous!
- He'll be thrilled with it.
- Yeah.
He's gonna love
every minute of it.
- Oh, yeah.
- "Surprise!" He'll be happy.
- He'll be happy? He'll be dead.
- I wanna have it,
he's gonna love it,
and we're having it. Okay?
You know what? I'm gonna go talk to
Dr. Holzer about this. We'll see what he says.
- Whatever you want. You do whatever you want, okay?
- Thank you. Thank you.
How can I help you?
I was wondering if I could
talk to Dr. Holzer.
Okay, do you have
an appointment?
No. No, I don't.
- Are you a patient of Dr. Holzer's?
- Yes, I am.
Okay. Can you...
- sign your name up on the sign-up sheet, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
- What is this?
Andrew "Rusty" Holzer?
Rusty, in quotes?
Uh, that's the doctor's card.
He put a nickname on the card?
Why's he doing that?
- Well, you may have a seat, and he'll be right out.
- Okay.
I haven't seen you
around before. You new?
- Uh, no, I've been here for a few months.
- Really?
- Eight or nine months or so.
- You like it?
Yeah. Yeah, I like it.
So, for lunch, do you go out or do
you bring something from home?
Either.
I guess you gotta be a little
careful of the food you bring in
because sometimes it has an odor,
and it... it smells up the office.
You know,
like on a plane. You bring food on a plane?
- Sir, if you'll have a seat, the doctor will be with you.
- Sure. Sure.
- All right, will do.
- Thank you.
Hey. Am I crazy?
Or did you get
some new artwork in here?
Uh, yeah, we made a few changes
around the beginning of the year.
Yeah. I'm not crazy about this painting,
you know.
What, what do you think
of that painting?
Oh, I know that face.
That's, "Oh, you're
coming onto me."
I'm not coming onto you.
I'm not hitting on you.
Everything's not a hit. People can
make conversations without it being a hit.
The whole world is not a hit.
Okay. Have a seat. Thank you.
It's good to see you, Larry.
What, uh...
Everything okay?
What brings you here?
First, I want to ask you
about this card.
- Mm-hmm.
- "Rusty"?
Andrew "Rusty" Holzer?
I'm trying it out.
Rusty. It's a nickname.
- Who gives themselves a nickname?
- I'm just trying it. It's new.
Most people are given nicknames
for some personality quirk
or trait.
If you ate a lot of
peaches one day,
when you were a kid
and, and you threw up,
maybe you'd be called
"Peaches" for the rest of your life.
Where, where'd you
come up with "Rusty"?
I feel like a Rusty.
- Okay. Um...
- Good enough.
The reason I'm here
is that, uh...
Susie Greene,
Jeff Greene's wife,
is throwing a surprise party
for him on the 20th,
and I'm very concerned
- his heart might not be able to take...
- Mm.
That element of surprise...
Surprise! You know,
everybody jumps out.
- It's scary! You know?
- Right, right.
Yeah. I can see that.
Given the condition
of his heart,
I just want to see if
you're giving that the okay.
Yeah, I wouldn't be comfortable
unless there was a, you know,
a qualified physician,
uh, in attendance.
- Where's the party?
- Scopa.
- Scopa?
- Yeah.
Oh, that's hard to get into.
That's a trendy spot.
- You know, he's a manager, he knows a lot of celebrities.
- Oh.
Chris Martin's gonna,
he's gonna sing.
- Chris Martin?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- You like Coldplay?
Cold... Oh, I love...
- I mean that, that's big.
- Yeah.
- They're great. Yeah.
- That's a lot of pressure.
Yeah, I don't feel good
about this.
The surprise party,
wouldn't do it.
- No. Not safe.
- Huh.
And suppose...
you were invited to this?
- Would you have a different opinion?
- Oh.
- I hadn't, I hadn't thought of that.
- Yeah. Sure.
- I mean, if I, if I came to the party?
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Saturday, the 20th.
- Scopa.
That's a good idea.
I mean, that changes things.
I'll talk to Susie.
Hopefully, we can, uh...
snare you an invite.
Oh. Good enough.
- Thank you so much.
- Hey, my pleas...
- You let me know. You keep me posted.
- I certainly will,
- and, uh, I'll be talking to Susie.
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay?
- Thank you, Larry.
- Uh... Of course.
- May I use your bathroom?
- Thank you.
- Uh, all right.
Be right back. I'm just
gonna use the bathroom real quick.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Why did you pass me?
Well...
I calculated your speed,
my speed, the distance,
my average urination time,
and according
to my calculations,
I would have had to wait
three to four minutes,
whereas you only had to wait
12 to 15 seconds.
I think it was the right move.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It was inconsiderate.
Is that your top speed
on this thing?
- My top speed? Yes.
- Yeah.
Did you hear footsteps
behind you?
- I heard footsteps, and then, whoosh, right past me.
- Okay.
You should have moved over
to the right to let me pass.
You should have given me
one of these.
- You know?
- No, you've got to wait.
You're blocking traffic.
You're in the slow car.
You've gotta let
the fast cars through.
No, you've gotta respect
the car in the front.
I think you have bad walker
etiquette. You're a hallway hog.
- I didn't hog the hallway.
- I'll tell you what.
Can I make it up to you?
Let me buy you a cup of coffee.
Do you mean now or sometime?
Yeah, yeah. Sometime.
I'd love that.
I'm Wally, by the way.
- Wally, Larry.
- Larry.
- Yeah.
- Good to meet you.
Look, I've got nothing
against the handicapped.
I've, I've dated
two women in, in wheelchairs.
- Whoa. Two?
- Yeah.
My disabled bona fides
are well-established.
- Are you still dating one of them?
- No, no.
She caught me cheating with the
other... with the other disabled woman.
- Oof.
- Sure. Yeah, pretty good.
So, Susie, I spoke
to the cardiologist,
and I think you should consider
the idea of having him there.
- Holzer?
- Yeah.
He is so transparent.
He's trying to finagle
an invitation to the party.
You know what?
He's not getting one.
We had two dinners
with him and his wife.
Aggressively boring,
fuckin' brutal.
Susie, why does it
have to be a surprise?
Because I want it to be.
What?
You're trying to kill him.
- Trying to kill who?
- Jeff.
You want to give him
a heart attack,
and you want him to die
at that party.
That's your plan, isn't it?
Huh? Isn't it?
You're the most ridiculous
- human being I've ever encountered.
- Oh, am I?
Anything happens to Jeff
at that party...
I'm going to the cops.
What do you think of that?
What are you gonna say? "Oh, my
friend's wife threw him a surprise party."
Here's the evidence.
It's an invitation."
You ruin this surprise party,
I'm gonna fuck you up.
Designer:
Building on basic ideas,
I've come to these
three elements.
You have your coffee cup,
of course.
- Now here's where the magic is.
- Oh, wow.
That is your
heating element, there.
This is all going to be
one thing, of course.
- And the heat comes from here.
- Heat comes from there.
- This is mind-blow... This is unbelievable.
- Yes.
I'm excited about this project
because it means something to me.
Of course,
'cause you hate cold coffee.
- I do.
- I mean,
I'm so sick of taking
five, six, seven sips,
and it's cold.
It's as if coffee
is dictating to us
when it must be consumed.
I'm not okay with that.
I love that.
- Heated cups.
- Oh, look who's up from a nap.
Ah.
Who's my?
Hmm?
Guter Hund!
This is my assistant, Adolf.
You named your dog... Adolf?
I named him after
my grandfather, my opa.
He kind of looks like him.
He's got a handsome face,
but you can tell...
he's stern.
You know what? I have,
uh...
another drawing I want to
show you. You're gonna love this.
Hey, hey.
Hey.
Hey!
Heil Hitler!
Hey!
Good boy. Yeah.
Good boy.
All right. I found it.
Hey. What the hell's
with your dog?
What?
He was growling at me before,
like he was going to attack me,
I was scared to death,
then I went " Heil Hitler,"
and he suddenly walked over
and just lay down.
- What? Why would you do that?
- Why would it work?
Did you put
your arm out like that
- when you said it?
- Yeah, yeah. Like that.
I know what that is.
When I trained him,
I would put a treat out
with my arm up, like that.
Heel.
See?
Here's that, uh,
drawing I was looking for.
As you can see,
these are different elements.
He's a white supremacist.
He named his dog Adolf.
He named his dog
after his grandfather.
Hey, if my grandfather
was named Pol Pot,
I wouldn't name my dog Pol Pot.
Okay, I think he's more of
an eccentric than anything.
- Eccentric?
- He's like an outdoors guy.
He's part of a tornado-chasing
troop called Stormfront.
He had a great shirt and hat.
I fuckin' love those TV shows
where motherfuckin' white guys
get in a fuckin' van
- and chase fuckin' tornadoes and shit like that.
- This is this dude.
- Yeah, yeah.
- No black guys in that van?
No black man would ever
chase a fuckin' tornado.
- Yeah. Why...
- That shit is dumb as fuck.
Yeah, that,
that's so true.
Right. But whatever
makes him weird like that
also makes him great
at inventing.
And that's what we're
talking about here, the cup.
All right. Um...
It's been sitting here
ten minutes. Time to test.
Moment of truth.
Hmm.
I swear to you,
this is just as hot
as it was ten minutes ago.
- That's tremendous.
- Just as hot.
I mean, this is amazing.
Well, you got Boris
to thank for it.
Please, uh,
have him contact me.
I got plenty of ideas and shit.
- Really?
- Give me one off the top of your head.
Okay. Uh, uh...
- Pussy tea. Huh?
- Mm-hmm.
All the taste of pussy,
without the commitment.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Like, put that shit in a tea bag.
Well, I'll put you in contact
and see if anything flies from it.
- Please do.
- I can't make it to Jeff's surprise party.
- You guys going?
- I got big issues with this surprise party.
Jeff has a heart condition.
- Oh.
- Susie knows that.
- You're gonna think I'm crazy.
- Mm-hmm.
I feel like Susie wants to give
this guy a heart attack
with all these people yelling,
"Surprise." She wants to kill him.
You're saying the point of
the surprise party is to kill him?
- Yeah.
- Well, you're... It is crazy.
You don't think like a killer.
You don't have a devious mind.
I do. I think like a killer.
Because there are so many people
I want to kill.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I'm telling you,
she has bad intentions.
I love a good mystery.
I was watching
Columbo one night,
at three in the morning.
This motherfucker
had me convinced
I did the shit.
Man, you are in a tough spot.
Yeah.
Let's think it through.
If you tell him...
She'll kill me.
But then,
if you don't tell him...
He could have
a heart attack and die.
So what are you gonna do?
Oh, I'm not gonna tell him.
Then you'll have
to live with that.
Eh.
Hey, you wanna
play golf tomorrow?
Uh, no, I can't.
I have an appointment in
Beverly Hills at nine o'clock.
Then I have another appointment
in Beverly Hills at eleven.
I don't need the day planner.
I'm trying to think
what I'm gonna do...
- Oh, okay.
- In between.
I can't go home.
Ah...
I got it.
Oh. Hello.
Hello.
Do you have an appointment?
I don't have an appointment.
Do you need to see the doctor?
Uh-uh.
Can I ask what you're doing?
Larry:
I'm just between appointments.
I needed somewhere to wait,
and this is a waiting room.
You're just using
this waiting room...
- To wait.
- That's not done.
This is an establishment.
It's a, it's a business.
And you know what?
My presence here
is helping business.
You go in a restaurant,
you see nobody in there,
you don't think it's any good.
When you see people there,
you think it's good.
Same thing with
the doctor's office.
Oh, it's, it's the hitting
thing? You think I'm hitting?
You've shown up to my place of work,
unannounced,
and now you're just
sitting there staring at me.
- It's not a hit.
- You know, it's starting to feel more like stalking.
You're living in this paranoid
world of hitting and stalking, and...
"Everybody wants me."
There's a certain kind of conceit
attached to this,
if you don't mind me saying.
- I'm just waiting. That's it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Larry.
- How you doing?
- Good, how are you?
Good. Good.
Hear, uh, uh,
any news on the party?
I wish I had some
good news for you.
Oh, no, no. It's, uh...
you know...
I want you to go to the party.
- Susie nixed it.
- Nothing. All right.
Do you think I want Jeff
walking in on...
a big surprise like that?
I'm a little concerned
about him, but, uh...
- I don't have an invite.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- What?
- How about this?
I got it.
You call Jeff,
you ask him out for dinner,
at Scopa,
on the 20th.
He'll go back,
he'll tell Susie.
Susie will... she'll text me.
She'll say no. She'll cancel.
But you never got the text.
No, I'd get the text.
No. You never got the text.
So at the party,
Susie says,
"I texted you and cancelled"
and I'd say,
"I never got the text."
Ta-da! Yes.
No, I don't know.
Um, lying to Susie, that's...
Susie scares me.
Yeah, she scares everybody,
but you-you can't let her run your life.
She's very scary.
I'm scared of Susie.
Are you serious?
Come on.
- I don't know...
- Stop being such a wuss.
- Rusty!
- I'll do it.
- I'll do it.
- Proud of you.
Call Jeff.
- Thank you, Larry.
- Any time, Rusty.
- Never got it. Never got the text.
- Doctor?
Well,
I've got work to do.
I've got waiting to do.
You know,
I've never had a handicapped friend before.
I'd like to have friends
of all creeds and disabilities.
I mean, who's gonna get mad
at a guy like that?
I have a friend
who's an amputee.
An amputee friend? Oh,
I'd kill for an amputee friend.
Wally,
can you speed this up a bit? I mean,
you drive as slow as you,
as you walk, with that walker.
Oh, thank you.
That's not a compliment.
Look
at this. That truck is passing you
on the right lane, you're so slow.
There's a whole...
All those horns,
- they're beeping you.
- I don't think it's me.
Well, who do you think
the honks are for?
- Each other.
- I don't even know how you ever got a license.
Oh, it was pretty easy.
I mean, I studied up for it.
And I went to the DMV,
and I signed up, went home,
waited for my appointment,
and then took...
Yeah, I don't need
all the details of,
- of that particular day in your life.
- Took it...
I'll spare you all the...
- details, but I...
- Spare me. Spare me.
Go ahead. Yeah.
And I sat with the instructor...
Okay, you just said you would spare
me the details, but you're not sparing.
I'm skipping over
a lot of stuff.
Oh, my God!
S-Susie.
Make, make a U-turn.
Make a U-turn.
- I want you to follow that woman.
- Sure.
Yeah.
Here we go.
That lady right there?
Yeah, she's right there
in that, that leopard coat.
Only she would have
a coat like that.
Are we giving her a ride?
No, no, no, no, no.
So, should I honk at her?
No, no,
no. Don't honk. Don't honk.
What is she up to?
What is she doing?
Westside Travel and Tour.
Okay, we gotta find
a parking space nearby.
How about right in front?
What are you doing? You
can't park here. It's handicapped.
Yes. Exactly.
Oh, my God. Ho boy.
Wow.
You can park anywhere
with one of these.
Oh.
Love to have one of those.
Okay.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go
in that travel agency.
- All right.
- You're gonna look at some
pamphlets, brochures,
whatever.
Meanwhile, the whole time,
you're eavesdropping
on her conversation.
- That lady?
- Everything she says,
you report back to me.
Got it?
And what's her name,
in case that comes up?
Don't pay any attention to her!
You're eavesdropping!
'Cause I wouldn't...
I wouldn't know
her name, anyway.
She would be a stranger to me.
Yes. Right!
Right.
Okay.
Oi.
You gonna need help
with that walker?
No. I'm good.
- Do you want to come in with me?
- No, no!
I can't come in with you.
She knows who I am.
And don't come back in the car.
- I'm not gonna come back in the car.
- You just came back.
No, I'm going...
- I'm going in...
- Okay, just go. Just go.
- Okay. Back in a flash.
- Go. Hurry up.
This could be a
matter of life or death.
What?
Hurry up.
No, no, no. No, don't-
Don't, don't, don't,
don't come back! Don't come back!
I want sun, I want sand.
I want spa.
- Okay.
- Spa facial.
But nothing too remote,
'cause I'm a people person.
- I like to socialize.
- Islands are good?
- Islands are great.
- All right. I'm thinking...
- Bahamas?
- I love the Bahamas!
- Yeah?
- I've never been there. I've always wanted to go.
- The weather is good all year in the Bahamas.
- Really.
'Cause it fucking sucks here
right now. Look at this...
weather, this rain,
it's so oppressive.
We can get
you to the Pink Sands Beach.
- Ooh.
- We can fly you direct into Nassau.
Only hitch:
I need it rather quickly.
- That's not a problem.
- This is perfect. Let's do it. Bahamas.
Bahamas!
Here I come, baby!
I've been waiting
so long for this.
- I can't wait to get the fuck out of here.
- Aw. Girl.
- Fascinating.
- Okay. What? What happened?
So I went in there.
I did a pretty good job
- of sort of looking through the brochures and everything.
- Yeah.
- They had ones from Japan...
- I'm really not interested in the brochures.
What did she talk about?
What did she say?
She was curious about...
the Bahamas.
- The Bahamas?
- Yeah.
Jeff hates the Caribbean.
- When was she talking about doing this?
- She said soon.
Soon.
And it was something
she was really looking forward to.
There you go.
Thanks for lunch.
I still can't
wrap my head around this...
ticket to the Bahamas.
It's...
- It's really crazy.
- Yeah.
- All right. Well, let's do it again sometime.
- Yes.
Great to see you.
I'm out of town.
I get back on the 20th.
But as soon as I'm back,
let's go get a meal.
Hey, I don't suppose...
you would mind lending me
your handicapped placard.
Would that be possible?
That is assigned to me.
- No, of course. I understand.
- So that's... I had to apply for it.
- Because of my feet and my leg, and...
- Obviously. Obviously.
- Yeah.
- And the alignment in my spine, so...
I'll take very good care of it.
Well, I've never lent it
to anyone before,
but let me just explain to you
what it is. This goes in your car.
- You don't take it down. It just stays up on the mirror.
- Right. Stays up on the mirror.
- Got it. Yeah. Right.
- Yeah. There's no lock.
And you'll see that there's a
person in a wheelchair. That's not me.
I didn't think
it was you, Wally.
The number is G921...
Yeah, you don't have to
read the number. I see it.
- But if they ask you.
- If they ask me, yeah, I'll read it out there. Yeah.
Okay.
I think we're good.
I think I got it.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- I'll see you when you get back.
- Okay.
Leon!
Leon, where are you?
I got it!
- I got it!
- Hey, I'm back here.
Look what I got!
- Woo, what the fuck?
- I'm gonna go change.
- We're gonna have some fun.
- You're goddamned right, we are.
Hit the fuckin' lottery. The
fuckin' handicapped lottery, Larry.
- Woo! Whoa!
- Here we go.
We got the placard.
Let's use it.
The sky's the
motherfuckin' limit.
Oh, no. No. No.
You're not gonna do this
a second time.
- Is that a hobbit?
- No way!
Aah, to hell with you.
Oh, shit.
Throw that shit on.
Excuse me.
Got a placard, there.
Ah! I am so sorry, sir.
Okay?
- Yeah.
- No problem. Have a great day.
You know what? I just might
take a lead pipe to your leg
so we can get one of these
all the time.
What's next?
This arcade
is doing big business.
What is this? Oh,
yeah. I know. Oh, see?
Thank you.
Yeah!
This thing. Wow.
- Turn, turn, Larry! We gotta turn!
- I am turning!
Ooh!
We got 287 tickets.
Let me get that
Wiffle ball, bat right there.
For my man, right there.
Yeah, he gon' love that shit.
- That's for you.
- Ah!
- Yeah.
- Matzo scented.
See that?
- Yeah.
- All right.
Ha, ha, ha.
Where are you going?
- Uh, hitting some balls at the range.
- Uh-huh.
Listen, I, uh, made, uh,
dinner plans with Dr. Holzer.
- When?
- For the, uh, 20th.
No. Absolutely not. Cancel.
- But...
- Cancel.
- Hey, Look who's there!
- That's that racist motherfucker?
Yeah, and he's got the cups!
We're in business.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa. Hey, hey.
Heil Hitler!
Yes, that's a good boy.
Who's a good Adolf?
Ooh!
- Wow. All these?
- Mm-hmm.
- So fast.
- I know.
- That was amazing.
- They're done.
I looked at a spectrum of colors,
but I decided to go with white.
It's the best.
Good choice.
I like this.
This is smart. You know?
And I just made it smarter.
By giving it a power saucer.
- Wow.
- And this is where you get the juice for the battery.
This is so impressive.
Finally, a solution
to cold coffee.
Yeah.
- Hey, hey!
- Nein! Halt! Adolf, halt!
Nein!
- Adolf!
- Nein! Halt!
Guter Hund! Nein!
Adolf!
Was this important?
- Hey.
- Hey, I'm back.
Yeah!
Had a good trip,
a lot of fun.
Great. Great.
The placard.
- Ah.
- I need it.
Yeah. Yeah.
A little problem
with the placard.
The dog ate it.
What dog?
Adolf?
Adolf. So this is
the best excuse
- you can come up with?
- I'm telling you the truth.
That's what Adolf
wanted to eat is... plastic?
Well, he wanted to eat
the Star of David,
which was right
in front of the placard.
The placard was
collateral damage.
- Sorry.
- Are you stealing it? I need it...
- No, I'm not stealing it. I'm telling you the truth.
- To park.
You want to see it? You want
to see what I'm talking about?
There was a lot more to it,
but it all crumpled
and fell apart, and...
I really need that to park.
- Let me buy you a new one.
- If you don't mind, yes.
No, I don't mind at all.
- Go down to the DMV.
- Yeah.
- And say it got misplaced.
- I, I know what to say.
The number is G92...
- Just, just text it to me.
- Okay.
- I will text you the number. G92...
- Okay.
Well, if you're going to text it to me,
there's no reason to repeat it,
- 'cause I'm not going to remember it.
- Okay.
So once you fill that out,
they'll give you a temporary pass.
- Okay. Here you go.
- But the number will be different
- 'cause it'll be a "T" for temporary.
- Right, temporary.
- So, it's T921...
- Okay. Don't worry about it.
I'll get the placard.
As soon as I get it,
I'll go to your house
and give you the placard.
There's no more to be
said about it. Here you go.
- Okay. Great. All right.
- All right. Sorry, again.
Why are you going in a circle?
You could have just
walked backwards.
Easier to go down stairs
this way.
It's easy.
Quick. Ah.
And we're down.
Can't find my cell phone.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Huh. Did you ask Susie?
She don't know where it is.
All right. You're up.
You know what?
You, you go first.
- Wha... What's with you?
- Out of breath.
- Out of breath?
- Yeah.
Five steps.
Just telling you,
I'm out of breath.
How've things been
with you and Susie?
She's been great.
Out of nowhere.
But I'm gonna go with it.
She even asked me
out to dinner tonight.
- I'm meeting her at Scopa.
- Hmm. Really?
Uh-huh.
She's been a doll.
When have I ever said that
about Susie?
- Hey, Wally, it's Larry.
- Hey. How's it going?
I need you to do me a big favor.
Remember that woman we were following?
Uh, yes.
Well,
she's giving a surprise party
for her husband tonight
at Scopa at 7:20.
I need you to wait in front of the
restaurant, and when he walks up,
tell him that there's
a surprise party inside for him.
Why do you want me to ruin
a surprise?
Because he
has a heart condition.
And this could be a matter
of life and death.
Why can't I just call him?
Because he has no cell phone.
He lost it.
I don't know if I have the right
clothes for it. Should I wear a, a jack...?
It doesn't matter.
You're not going to the party.
You're just waiting outside
and telling him about it.
What does this person look like?
I'm gonna send you a picture
and all the information.
Everything you need to know.
I'll text you.
Okay, and you have
my number, right?
Of course I have your number!
How else could I have called?
What's wrong? Buddy.
Susie:
Okay, he's gonna be here soon.
Everybody, lots of noise.
Lots of noise.
Hi. Here you go. Noise.
Big, loud booming noise.
- Lar.
- Big, loud, booming noise.
- Yeah.
- That's what you want, don't you?
The louder, the better.
I don't know
what you're thinking,
- but you're delusional.
- Yeah.
- Leon, so nice to see you.
- Yeah.
Thank you for coming. He'll
be here soon. Lots of noise.
- Lots of noise.
- Fuckin' see what you're talking about, now.
- You see it, right?
- Oh, fuck yeah, I see it.
- That's some shit.
- But guess what?
- Mm-hmm.
- It's not gonna happen.
I got a guy outside.
- Mm.
- Who's gonna tell Jeff
it's a surprise.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey. What are you doing?
Hey, you can't park here.
It's handicapped.
- Sir, I have a walker. I can park here.
- Where's your placard?
I usually have one.
It's just,
- a friend of mine borrowed it, and...
- No, no, no.
If you don't have one now,
you can't park here.
Come on. Now. Let's go.
Come on.
Hey, Chris.
- How you doing?
- Hey, hey. How are you?
- Larry.
- Hey, Larry. Larry. That's right. Jeff's friend.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- You playing tonight?
- Yeah, I'm gonna sing some songs.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Want to sing one with me?
I'll probably leave
before you get on.
I mean,
people pay a lot of money to see us.
Yeah, I know. I don't like to stay
around too long for stuff like that.
I'm not gonna be able
to look at everybody
just looking at you like this
and clapping and singing along.
- You don't wanna...
- It's gonna be disgusting.
- You know?
- I think it's just respect.
Maybe I'll stay.
- Well, I'd prefer you didn't right now.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
Are you leaving?
Nobody's leaving.
Oh, there's nothing.
There's gotta be something.
No parking anytime.
There's nowhere to park!
Let me ask you a question.
You're in your car.
One of your songs comes on.
What do you do?
I pull over.
- You pull over?
- Yeah.
- And you listen?
- Yeah.
- You sing in the shower?
- If I have company,
I'll sing in the shower, yeah.
Why would you want to shower
with another person?
The scents, and the aromas,
and the...
Uh, it seems like
they could ruin a shower.
- Okay.
- Must be hard to get temperature consensus
- in a shower.
- I mean, depends how you look at it.
- Yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- I made it.
- Yeah, you made it.
- Great.
- I got the new... I did the new...
Yeah, you look terrific.
This is uh, Chris Martin.
Oh. Oh!
- Nice to meet you. Chris.
- How are you?
- Doctor...
- What's your name?
- Dr. Andrew Holzer.
- Dr. Holzer. Andrew Holzer.
- Uh, Rusty. Rusty Holzer.
- Rusty.
Yeah. - You don't,
with respect, look like a Rusty.
Well, good to see ya.
- Good to see you.
- Okay, man.
- All right.
- Yeah.
So, um...
- You miss London?
- No.
No. I know it's there.
I love, the West En...
The West End. Yeah.
Rusty.
How are there no spots?
Come on, please!
Something! Ah,
there's a spot. Yes.
Before that, though, I was in Oregon,
a little residency there.
And then about a year
in Carson City.
- That was a whole different...
- Maybe we should get ready for the, uh...
Oh. Oh, yeah, sure.
But anyway...
Oh, God.
Do you have a card?
- Come on, Wally. What the fuck?
- Hey, Larry?
- Huh?
- Larry.
Hey, Larry. We could trade,
- uh, 'cause my number's right there if you need, uh...
- Jesus.
He's here!
Everybody quiet! Quiet!
Get your noise-blowers ready!
He's here!
Oh! Uh, uh...
uh, sir!
Uh, Jeff?
Don't go in there!
Uh, don't... Wait. Don't
go in there. It's a... It's a...
Surprise!
Wow.
What?
Too bad.
Look. He's so surprised.
Look at his face.
Holzer!
What the fuck are
you doing here?
Chris Martin,
don't you dare talk to him.
He was not invited!
We, uh, we had a dinner...
Oh, no. We canceled.
We left you a message.
- I didn't get the message.
- You're a liar!
- Oh, no. I... Ow. Ow.
- You are a liar!
- You're a liar.
- Ow. Ow. Oh...
You're a liar!
- Oh! Oh!
- Heart attack!
- My heart.
- Rusty!
Rusty!
Rusty!
I'm opening up a coffee place.
- You know? Yeah.
- That's cute.
I've been looking for handles.
I really like those
on the coffin.
- I'mma take a quick pic.
- No, Larry.
Would you mind just leaving
for a couple of minutes?
- You're serious?
- This is not a job for human beings.
Nobody wants you here.
- You wanna work here part-time?
- I do.
Ho-ho, well, most of the people
who come in here
are gonna be vile, vulgar,
the dregs of society.
How did I wind up here?!
Oh, my God!