Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Beloved Aunt - full transcript

-l'm so sorry.
-Thank you so much for coming.

-lt's so good to see you.
-Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Oh, gosh, thank you.

-l'm so sorry about your aunt.
-lt was Cheryl's aunt.

But thank you.

Did you fly in from Florida?

No, her sister and her sister's boyfriend
and her parents flew in.

-l live here.
-l see. Condolences.

-Nice service.
-Yeah.

Thanks for the hotel room. l appreciate that.



Please, my pleasure.

l was gonna ask you, is that minibar....

ls that included with the whole thing?

-Sure, whatever you want.
-Great.

Help yourself. Some M&Ms, Toblerone.

-l don't drink.
-lt's chocolate.

-How's Cheryl holding up?
-l think she's okay.

Cut my finger this morning
trying to put that....

Make a hole in my belt.
l must have lost weight or something.

lt's killing me.

-lt's a good family.
-Yeah, they're very nice.

-Becky's a nice girl, right?
-She's a doll, she's really sweet.

How long did you date before...

you and Cheryl got married?



Not that long.
We were friends for a while and then...

after we had intercourse,
we got married very quickly.

Becky really wants to get married.

And l'm not into it.

And the day that we got the call,
l was gonna break up....

l was over there to break up with Becky.

Holy cow, so you flew out here...

and you wanted to already be free.

l missed it...

by five minutes.

My gosh. And then you couldn't do it
after she killed herself.

What do think
would be the appropriate time...

for somebody to wait till they....

Till l tell her?

lf it was her mother, l'd ask you to
go back on the plane and wait...

maybe six days, a week.

For an aunt? For an aunt
who doesn't even live where you live...

who you don't see that often...

l think you could do it when you get home...

when you get back to Florida.

What should l say?

Just tell her you're not happy.
That's very good, that works.

l've never actually used it myself,
but l think it works.

-Okay.
-l've got a breath problem? What--

No, l thought l saw a bug, that's creepy.

We never had this conversation, by the way.

-No.
-Okay?

l won't say anything.

Thanks for your advice.

l think l got the heat...

turned down a bit.

-What were you and Craig talking about?
-Louise.

-ls he okay?
-Yeah.

You would be very surprised
how broken up he is about this.

-He's been very quiet for several days.
-That's so sweet.

-The service was wonderful, wasn't it?
-Yeah, it worked out nicely.

Thank you.

Listen, you guys...

l want you to know if you want to stay
a couple of extra days in the house...

that's fine, don't worry about it.

You could stay another day in the hotel.

-That's really nice. Stay there a night or two.
-Yeah, one night.

That would be nice, because we hate flying.

-Neither of us like to fly.
-Yeah, nobody likes to fly.

l don't even like to drive.
And l don't like walking.

So, occasionally, l don't really know
what mode of transportation to....

l'm not sure what we can do about this...

but we were a little upset
that there was no obituary.

-l didn't even think of that.
-Like she didn't have a life out here.

lt sort of makes it real.

My friend, my manager
actually knows somebody at the paper.

-l could get something in there for you.
-That would be so good.

-That'd be really sweet.
-l'll write it myself.

l'll take care of the whole thing. No problem.

There's anything you want to add,
tell me, l'll get it in.

lt's not gonna be funny, is it?

-Mom, please.
-That's what he does.

lt's not gonna be funny.
lt'll be very tasteful and appropriate.

-lt'll be fine.
-He's a writer, he can do anything.

-Thank you so much.
-We love you, Larry.

l love you, too.

-Sorry l'm late.
-lt's understandable.

lt's very hard to extricate myself
from mourners.

-Why are you still wearing the tie?
-l don't know.

lf l didn't have to, l wouldn't.

Once you've got the outfit on,
you might as well wear it to its completion.

-Maintain the outfit.
-''To its completion.''

So you think you can take care of this,
this obituary thing?

-Done deal.
-Really?

4:00 is the deadline.

You get it to me by 4:00
and l'll fax it over to him.

-Thanks so much.
-No problem.

-Very nice of you.
-lt's my pleasure.

That'll score some big points
with the family.

-How did she die?
-Killed herself.

-No, she didn't.
-Killed herself--

-Why?
-Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note.

-That is so rude, isn't that?
-That's really rude.

lf you leave your house for 10 minutes
to get a container of milk...

you tell somebody where you went.

l let my wife know before l go anywhere.

Would it have killed her to leave a note?

-l don't know.
-My mom's in town with my dad.

lt's her birthday.

lt'd be great, considering what's happened
between you and them...

if, for my mom's birthday,
you got her a little gift.

Doesn't matter what it is, it's a nice gesture.

lt really is.

Any ideas?

No.

-Okay.
-Good.

Let's do this obituary thing, okay?
You have a pad?

-Yeah, l got a pad.
-Okay.

''Louise Hoenin, H-O-E-N-l-N...

''devoted sister...

''beloved aunt...

''died of undisclosed causes....''

lt only took us about 20 minutes,
door to door.

-Did very well.
-Yeah, that's unusual.

l wasn't worried because l have
unlimited mileage on my rental car.

-l wouldn't care how long it was.
-That's good.

We were surprised
the freeway was virtually empty.

-You can really get stuck in traffic for hours.
-Yeah.

Sometimes it gets so bad
you can hardly breathe.

That's for sure.

l'm glad l don't live here.

-Do you think Becky's coming down soon?
-l think so.

She's been on the phone all morning
with her boyfriend...

now her ex-boyfriend.

He broke up with her last night and....

lsn't that awful, Larry?

-What kind of timing.... lt's unbelievable.
-Lousy.

Anyway, l have the unlimited mileage.

So l think l'm gonna go out for a while.

-ls that okay?
-Where are you going?

l was thinking about playing some golf.

Are you joking?

l'm not contributing anything.
l'm detracting.

-You are.
-l'm a minus here, l'm not a plus.

lf your aunt died, l would be
right by your side to support you.

lf my aunt killed herself,
l'd encourage you to leave the house.

l'd say, ''Go, have some fun.
You don't have to stay here and mourn.''

-l would keep you around to mourn?
-You're not going golfing.

l know we're all going to miss Louise.

-Yeah.
-Very much so.

But we have to continue.

-We must go on.
-We must go on.

Can't go on.

Must go on.

Laughter is a great healer
and you've gotta have a smile.

You get over a lot of things that way.

l once performed for Norman Cousins
in his hospital room...

when he was on his deathbed.
He requested me to do five minutes.

And l bombed, actually,
and he got much worse...

and he had to watch some Marx Brothers
movies to actually resuscitate him, but....

You know who's funny? That Carrot Top.
Have you seen that guy?

He comes on The Tonight Show
once in a while.

-Big mop of red hair.
-My gosh!

-The obituary! Do we have the paper?
-Yeah, we want to look at that.

Okay. l'll go get the paper.

-No, don't you bother, l've got the car.
-You don't even know where it is.

l have unlimited mileage,
l can drive anywhere.

He knows what he's doing.

-lt's right around the corner, he'll find it.
-l'm sure he will.

Gives him pleasure
to use the rental car anyway.

You could move over a little bit now
because he's not sitting there anymore.

-Get a little more room here.
-That's okay.

-These are pretty good.
-Yeah.

-How many can l get in my mouth at a time?
-Six.

-You say six?
-Five.

Three, four.

''Look what they did to my Santino.

''Gladys, George, look what they did.''

-Sugar.
-No, Becky.

-No.
-Oh, my gosh.

What did he say? What happened?

He just kept repeating something
about not being happy.

We could've worked through that.

-The nerve of this guy!
-Jerk.

-What kind of timing is this?
-l just buried my aunt!

-l know.
-And he breaks up with me?

-You don't do that to somebody.
-No.

That's so awful.

-l mean, he really loved me.
-Yeah.

Did he say anything to you?

l know how much he likes you,
l just thought maybe--

No, we just, you know...

he talked about Aunt Louise
and the minibar.

The minibar?

Oh, gosh.

-This is ridiculous.
-Where are you going?

l've got to get a birthday present
for Jeff's mother.

l'm sorry, l forgot, today's her birthday.
l'll be right back, l'm sorry.

Oh, God, all right,
l'm gonna be back in 20 minutes.

Everybody stay here, okay?

Gladys, you're here, okay, Barbara?
George, right here.

Gladys, l'll be right back.
l'm just gonna get a birthday present.

-l'm timing you.
-Half an hour at.... 40 minutes at the most.

45 minutes.

l'd like to buy a pair of sunglasses.
lt's a birthday present.

-Okay.
-For my friend's mother.

-This one l like a lot.
-These are great.

Elizabeth Taylor wears
the exact same glasses.

Elizabeth Taylor? You're kidding!

-Can l see that mirror?
-They're very in vogue now.

-They are?
-Yeah, absolutely.

-You see why?
-Yeah. l like that.

-l think they're perfect.
-Beautiful. All right.

-Really?
-Sure, come on.

-Let me get you a case.
-l don't fool around.

Give you a case,
l'll throw in some lens cleaner.

-How would you like to pay?
-Credit card.

-Can you gift-wrap these?
-No, l'm sorry, we don't wrap.

How would one go about
getting this gift-wrapped?

-Get some wrapping paper and wrap it.
-Okay, where would l get the paper?

You know, there's a card store upstairs.
You could maybe go there.

-You need a scissor, too, right?
-A scissor.

-You need a scissor to cut the paper, right?
-To cut the paper, yeah.

-And scotch tape, too, right?
-Right.

-Do they sell all that in the same store?
-No, l don't believe they do.

You could check.

lf you're gonna go get that stuff,
you might wanna get a bow.

And a card.

A bow and a card?

Yeah, so she knows who the gift is from.

l'm gonna be handing her the gift.
lsn't it obvious?

You don't have to have a card,
l'm just saying.

What a process this is, a bow and a card....

Where do you get them?

ls that in the same store as the scissor
and the scotch tape?

-No, the card--
-How many stores are we talking about?

l really don't know.

Boy, this is very complicated.

What?

What? We got a paper, that's what.

''Devoted sister, beloved cunt''?

-That's what you put in the paper?
-This is a typo.

-lt should be ''aunt''!
-Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?

They have proofreaders at papers!

The woman leads a decent life and
this is how she ends up? ''Beloved cunt''?

My wife is upset.

l'm just glad
you weren't in charge of the headstone!

l meant ''beloved aunt,'' not ''beloved cunt''!

-Don't keep saying it!
-Please.

l'm so sorry, l'm so sorry.

lt's a typo. Don't you see? lt's a typo!

lt's a typo, it's ''aunt''!

Excuse me for a second.

l just got off the phone with Craig,
and l wanted see if this rings any bells.

''lt wasn't her mother who died,
it was just her aunt.

''You should break up with her today.

''You don't look happy,
you should break up!''

-What?
-That's what he said.

Did you tell Craig to break up with Becky?

He talked to me, but l told him
to wait till he got back to Tallahassee!

-l didn't say to do it last night at the wake.
-Never mind!

-What is the matter with you?
-He's a bad guy, l was doing you a favor!

l think you should just leave!

You mean for tonight?

At least, please.

l am sorry.

You know how l can get this gift-wrapped?

Let me ask you something.

How would one go about
getting this gift-wrapped?

-Do you have the paper?
-No, l don't have anything.

You could probably go to a stationery store.

Stationery store for the scissor and tape...

but you gotta go someplace else
for the paper.

-Depending on what kind of paper you want.
-l don't give a shit.

Then you should probably go
to a party store...

where you can get gift-wrapping paper.

But they don't have the tape and scissor.

l don't know, they might,
l wouldn't bet on it, l would bring my own.

Let me ask you a question.

lf l brought the scissor and the tape
to this party store you're talking about...

-They have the paper.
-...would they wrap it for me?

They might, honestly, l don't know,
because my wife wraps everything.

But if you bring it with you,
if you have it there...

if you just tip them or something.

How would you go about
getting something like this gift-wrapped?

-Just go to a Hallmark or something.
-A stationery store.

That's for the paper.
They don't have the scissors and the tape.

-They will.
-They got scissors and tape?

-Really?
-Ribbon and bows and cards.

-They have everything there.
-Hallmark has that whole thing there?

Where's the Hallmark?

l don't know.

-You gotta fix this pump over here.
-Okay.

All right, forget it, l'm all done here.

You don't know where the Hallmark is.

l thought maybe tomorrow, if you're up to it,
we'd go to the outlet center.

-All right.
-Hi! Look who's here.

-Hello.
-Hi.

-Hi.
-Be nice.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Happy birthday.

That was sweet of you.

What kind of present is that?
Not wrapped nicely.

Yeah, l'm sorry about that.

l looked in stores,
l couldn't find any wrapping store.

There's no wrapping stores anywhere?

Oh, my gosh!

-Sunglasses!
-Look at those.

My gosh, look at this!

Elizabeth Taylor wears glasses.
She has the exact same glasses!

-You hear that?
-l can't use 'em.

l have a prescription in my lenses.

-l'm sorry.
-All right, no, l'll get--

-l'll take care of it.
-l want to do it. l'll get lenses put in.

Give me your prescription
and we'll make them prescription glasses.

lsn't that nice? How did the obit go?

-You got a paper?
-Yeah, it's over there.

Obituaries, it's in the back there.

Here, l'll show you how it went.
Here's how it went.

''Louise Hoenin,
devoted sister, beloved cunt''?

What? lt says that in the paper?
Let me see this.

-That's unbelievable!
-l know!

You said ''aunt,'' l wrote down ''aunt''!
That's bullshit!

-Don't they proofread these things?
-l am so sorry.

Oh, God, Larry.

-l need a letter of apology from your friend--
-Retraction.

What are they gonna say?

''We're sorry we called her a cunt,
we meant 'aunt'''?

Point well taken,
l'll have them write a letter of apology.

-And you, too.
-l'll write one, too, l promise.

Still, to print this....
Cheryl must be so upset.

She kicked me out of the house.

She kicked you out?

Her relatives, her parents, friends,
they came after me like a pack of....

-l thought they were gonna kill me.
-You'll stay here.

-l can't, l have nothing to wear.
-l've got lots of stuff for you to wear!

You'll stay here.
Mom and Dad are here anyway.

-lt's no big deal, l'm making a great dinner.
-l'm so sorry.

-You should call Cheryl and apologize.
-l will.

Do me a favor. When l die,
let someone else handle the obit, okay?

-How much longer till dinner?
-25 minutes, 30, tops.

-Dad, let's go finish the movie, come on.
-What movie?

Larry, let me see those glasses again.

-Those sunglasses.
-Okay, sure.

l can't see through them,
but l can get an idea.

They're beauties.
Elizabeth Taylor. lt's no joke.

Wait a minute.
l think l can see my reflection in here.

-Wait, hold it, l'll help you out here.
-Good.

So l'll get the prescription for this thing.
We'll get that taken care of.

lt shouldn't take too long, you know?
They look good, though.

See, Mom, l told you,
he's got a very, very sweet side.

Very.

Yeah?

-You gotta go.
-What?

-You gotta go.
-What are you talking about?

You copped a feel off my mom,
you gotta go.

l copped a feel off your mom?
What are you saying to me?

She was moping around.
l'm saying, ''What's the matter?''

She said, ''Larry touched my bosom
for several seconds.''

Schmuck! Listen to me for a second!

What?

We're in the kitchen.
She wanted to try on the sunglasses again.

She was looking in the toaster
and l was holding the toaster...

she wanted to get a better look
at her face in it...

and she leaned
against the back of my hand...

and so, l didn't want to just turn....

l didn't want to hurt her feelings
by taking it away fast.

l'm sorry.

She's all freaked out.

You gotta go.

Are you kicking me out?

All right, look, set the alarm.
Do you know how to set the alarm?

7:00 a.m.

She rubbed up against the back of my hand!

-l believe you, it's not about that!
-You think l feel up old ladies?

l apologized, it's not about that!
lt's not about that.

You gotta get out of here
at 7:00 in the morning.

l'll be out of here early in the morning.

Grab a bagel from the kitchen and get out.

l won't grab anything, l'll just walk out.

Your mother thinks l touched her breast?
That is so sick.

lt's what she thinks, what can l say?
Sweet dreams.

''Sweet dreams.''

l'll dream about fucking your mother.
''Sweet dreams.''

-You!
-Quiet.

-How dare you.
-l didn't do anything.

-Let me explain what happened.
-Do you think l enjoy that kind of thing?

-Don't be ridiculous, l didn't do anything.
-This has gotta stop.

-Please tell her l didn't do anything.
-Ma, he didn't do anything.

lt was the toaster and the hand.
You rubbed against me.

You're gonna wake up Sammy.

-Did you see what he did?
-l explained to her, it was an accident.

-lt was an accident.
-How convenient.

lt was an accident,
you rubbed up against me.

What kind of human being are you?

Yes, you pushed up against my hand!
l didn't do anything!

-lt was an accident.
-You have to go.

l think it's better. Okay, Ma?
He's gonna leave.

-Go back to sleep.
-Sick person.

Enough with the ''sick person,''
he's not a sick person.

l'm really sorry.

This is horrible, l'm so sorry.
Please accept my apology.

-lt's not you.
-l'll straighten it out tomorrow.

They get a little crazy, my parents.

l'm sorry. lt's an awful thing.

Even when l was dating,
l would wait four months...

before l would try and make a breast move,
you know?

l understand.

Not in their kitchen,
in front of their daughter-in-law and son--

l know, it's horrible.
l'll smooth it all over tomorrow.

Do me a favor.
Let me take care of the sunglasses.

-The sunglasses?
-Give them to me, let me take care of them.

-You want me to give her a gift now?
-You gave it to her.

-After this entertaining evening?
-You gave it to her.

-l don't think so. No.
-That's called ''lndian giving.''

l know what it's called.

lt's a very racist term, but l'm okay with that.

What could you possibly do with them?

l'll give them to somebody who likes me.

Where are you going now?

l don't know, l can't go home.

Guess l'll go to a hotel.

Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel,
how can l help you?

l'll see you this evening, thank you.

-Welcome, how can l help you?
-l'd like a room, please.

l'm very sorry, we're completely filled
to capacity this evening.

Okay.

There's a guy in this hotel,
his name's Craig Butler.

l'm paying for his room.
l don't want to anymore.

Wake him up, get him out, that's my room.

The room's paid for through tomorrow.
The cards have been run for this evening.

He's authorized to be there till
1 1 :00 a.m. tomorrow, check-out time.

Our manager will work out the bill with you,
if you come back tomorrow at 10:00.

You don't have a room for me
in this hotel tonight? Not one room?

Don't you always keep extra rooms
for people?

Not one. You're not the first person
we've turned away.

l'm Frank Sinatra, Jr.,
you're turning me away tonight?

-Jr. walks in and you turn him away?
-Yes, sir, unfortunately.

The Pope is being shooed out
into the street.

-Are you going to shoo The Pope out?
-Yes, sir.

We are filled to capacity, sir.

-A pair of sunglasses?
-Excuse me?

l have a pair of sunglasses here.

-You want to give--
-Yeah.

-Elizabeth Taylor sunglasses.
-They're very nice--

Elizabeth Taylor wears these sunglasses.

Thank you, sir, l wear prescription.
Thank you very much.

-You ever watch the Seinfeld show?
-Yes, sir.

Just curious.

-Hey, Larry!
-Larry, hi!

-Hi, buddy.
-This is Larry?

Thanks for ratting me out to Becky,
really appreciated it.

l did not rat you out.

You told her everything we talked about.
And l told you not to say anything.

That's your problem.

-What a jerk.
-l'm a jerk? ls that right?

Are you going to beat me up?

-Maybe l will.
-Go ahead, take a shot.

You Hollywood people....

Gentlemen, l cannot have the two of you
standing in the lobby of the hotel...

yelling at each other.

Excuse me, are you guests
at the hotel this evening?

-Yes, l am.
-Can l see your room key, please?

-Yes, sure.
-l'm paying for that.

Excuse me, one at a time.

lt would be best
if you go back to your room.

Very good, thank you very much.

He's here because l'm paying for him.

Sir, do you have a room key here
at the Roosevelt?

-No.
-Then l need to ask you to leave.

-Can l interest you in some sunglasses?
-No, just leave, please.