Cucumber (2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

There now.
You handsome boy.
Your little baby brother.
I said he'd be a boy, didn't I?
Your family name was Solgoni,
but your grandfather saw the name of Sullivan on the side of a van,
racing past at top speed.
' "That's us, '" he said!
' "That's who we will be.'"
Here he is.
Edward Sullivan.
Edward? No.
I was thinking...
of Lance.
Lance! Go to your room!
Just do what I say and go!
Right now!
She's in here.
She just collapsed.
When a man loves a woman,
they kiss.
Then they marry.
And then the man puts a seed into the woman's stomach.
And that seed grows into a baby.
I'm not doing that.
I haven't described it very well.
It's a lot more fun than it sounds.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Er, just... here, put it down here.
15 minutes to Bristol Temple Meads.
And there's a list of buses in the entrance hall, on the left.
Yeah.
It's nice.
What he calls gap-reducing action is a completely different thing.
Now, Ansoff was inventing a new vocabulary,
but these secondary sources are just hijacking his original work and he...
Is that OK?
Here we go.
It's only us!
- You should have rung the bell! - What for? I've got keys!
We have a guest! You should do the proper thing and ring the bell.
Well, it's a bit late now.
I'm Suzie, hello! Nice to meet you.
- Merry Christmas! - Sorry. This is Suzie.
My dad...
Delighted, Suzie.
And a very merry Christmas to you.
And that's my sister, Marie.
You should have rung the bell!
Oh, everyone laugh at me!
I can't help it if they give us too much coursework.
I'm on the same course, I've got time!
It's like you'd rather sit in your room all night.
Look... OK.
Read your books. Well done!
Ouch.
I know.
I know.
I do know, I told him.
I know.
Hello?
Hi.
What are you doing home?
What d'you think I'm doing? Clearing up your mess.
Can I speak to him?
He's having his dinner.
It's half past eight.
Well, he's eating.
I... I'd like to speak to him.
Just...
give him a while. That's all.
Try him again next week.
I'd really like to speak to him.
Well, we can't all have what we want, can we?
Except for you.
What does that mean?
I don't care who you sleep with, Lance.
But you have to be centre stage, don't you?
It's all about you, never mind the rest of us.
OK.
Just, erm... tell him I called.
OK.
Mar...
Right, I know I said I wasn't coming home, but... I'm not staying.
We're going round to Lucy's.
You remember Lucy? From school?
So...
this is Glyn.
I told you about him.
Hello there.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
And these are for you.
Hi there, Marie.
Merry Christmas.
Both of you.
Nice to meet you.
And you.
Anyway...
don't want to cause a fuss.
Seriously.
Just... We could...
pop round tomorrow.
What d'you think?
Just for an hour?
I don't think so.
OK.
Merry Christmas, then, Dad.
Hi!
Don't worry, we're just passing by. Won't take long.
We're gonna stay at Lucy's.
But... this is Tony.
I told you about him. Remember?
Hi.
Just came to say... Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
Are we done?
Can we go?
Hello, Dad.
Merry Christmas!
Er... you remember Tony, don't you?
I bring tidings of great joy. Peace to all men.
And you, Marie.
Yeah, thanks.
Merry Christmas.
Er, just dropping off the presents, can't stay.
Gotta go!
Hi there!
- Merry Christmas! - It's us.
Just dropping off the presents.
Hi there. Merry Christmas.
Just thought I'd drop these off. It's just some... little things.
There's an... extra little something for Ruthie.
Careful with the cards. There's... money inside.
You could come in if you want.
What for?
I... don't know.
Cup of tea?
Ohh.
Now I get invited.
Now I'm on my own.
Thank you.
Don't blame me. I can't keep up!
Every year, something new with you lot.
What happened to Tony?
He died.
Anyway, there's 20 quid inside the cards.
And I'm fine.
Since you asked.
Turns out I got lucky.
How about that?
Lance, come on, just come inside.
You didn't even tell him?
- Oh, it's my fault? - Yeah...
I'm staying with Lucy, so...
There we are.
It was nice to see you.
Hello there.
We made it.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you, too.
And you, Marie. Marie Christmas!
Ooh! We haven't heard that one before, have we?
Christmas Eve, Rosie, you'd better be good.
Any chance of a beer? 'Tis the season, and all that.
Merry Christmas.
How've you been?
Never mind all that. You're letting out the heat!
In! In!
In!
There's a rental charge for the car park.
That's on top of the service charge. It's another... £10 a week.
Gotta say, though - saves you a fortune, with city centre parking.
I mean, me girlfriend works off Deansgate. She pays 50 quid a week, minimum.
So what's it like in the centre? Are... Are there shops and things?
I mean like... supermarkets?
To be honest... er, not much. Not yet.
But they're expanding all over.
They're building 500 more flats over by Castlefield,
and the more flats, the more shops. It's all gonna follow.
They're saying it's the place to be, middle of town.
Dunno. Could get noisy!
Well, they're rebuilding loads since the bomb last year.
So... is it just you, or?
Yep. Just me. Thank God.
What brings you up north?
My job. I... I've got a contract with the museum on Oxford Road.
Bit of an expert?
Nah. Not really.
I'm in marketing, I... I'm an expert at selling.
They've got mummies in that museum. Egyptian mummies, did you know that?
What, like in the films?
Yup. Bandages, the works.
- That's brilliant. - You see?
That's how to sell it.
Oh... can I get out there?
Oh... yes.
Saving it for last.
This is the killer. Gotta be honest, mate, this is what you're paying for.
Not bad.
Good, innit?
Not bad at all.
That's Canal Street down there.
You know, if that's your sort of thing.
Oh, that's my kind of thing.
Thought it might be.
What gave me away?
Yeah, it's the lipstick.
Cheeky sod!
It's the promised land out there, mate.
Reckon you're gonna love it.
- Fuck off! - You fuck off!
I mean it! Fuck off out of here!
Busy tonight, isn't it?
Telling me!
Two Beck's, please, mate.
I dunno.
My mum's all right with it.
My dad just kind of...
...harrumphed.
Never really mentioned it again.
Not in a bad way, just...
...he wasn't gonna talk about his son's sex life, no matter who I was.
All a bit... normal, really.
But that's good, though. That's nice.
Well, must've been worse for you.
How d'you mean?
Well, y'know.
Culturally.
Yeah. I suppose.
My dad belongs to this church.
More of a fellowship, really.
They'd have prayer meetings round the house.
Yeah?
They'd pray for me. All that stuff.
When I was about 13...
they tried to have an exorcism on me.
No way.
They didn't mean any harm.
But they got this preacher in.
I say preacher. More of a witch doctor.
He did this tribal dance, with these bones,
and it started to rain, inside the room.
Oh, fuck off!
Just fuck off!
Listen to you!
' "Culturally.'"
Well, I don't know!
Oh, the burden of guilt.
You know, you should cut your toenails.
Oh, really, fuck off.
But you should.
OK. I will. All right?
- I'm just saying. - Yeah, well...
I'm embarrassed now, thank you.
I wasn't expecting to cop off last night, was I?
- OK... - Jesus!
It's because I lost my hair.
I just stopped caring a bit.
I use clippers.
Yeah? It was nice.
I should do something, but I...
I just gave up.
It started going when I was 19.
Got to 30, it was like I was standing in a wind tunnel.
I ended up thinking, ' "What's the point? '"
But you should make an effort.
OK, don't go on about it.
I'm just saying, you should make an effort.
All right!
No, I mean, make an effort for me.
For next time.
OK?
Cos...
there's gonna be a next time, I think...
Henry.
Don't you?
Yeah.
You can fuck me if you want.
OK.
How d'you want to do it?
Oh, my God, I'm exhausted, though.
I'm gonna come any minute.
Can we just keep going? Is that OK?
Yeah, great.
Mm, someone's happy!
I was thinking. I can fuck you, if you want.
That'd be nice.
Yeah, fantastic.
Come on, then.
Not now! Don't be daft.
Wow!
That's hot. Bloody hell!
I'm gonna regret that in the morning.
Oh, do you have to?
What?
Well, talk about shit when we're eating.
Everyone says that.
I'm not with everyone, I'm with you. So...
We could skip the curry.
You could wreck my arse instead.
Oh, for God's sake! I can't even have a meal!
Is this gonna be an issue?
Is it?
No.
Cos I'm tired, OK?
I've got that amalgamation thing, and you won't let me have an evening off.
It's all the time with you, it's all the time.
And I don't need it.
All right.
Well, is it?
Sorry.
Hi. Sorry.
How is he?
He's OK.
He's asleep.
This is Henry.
Nice to meet you at last.
And you. I wish it was better circumstances, obviously.
They asked about Do Not Resuscitate.
I said, of course we're not going to put him through that.
If that's OK with you?
Yeah. Completely.
Is it that bad?
I think so.
He's down here.
Oh!
I just thought... I mean, I'm sorry, but he's never even met you, Henry.
- If you don't mind? - No, fine. I'll wait here.
But he could meet him now.
He gets in quite a state.
But this could be his one chance!
All right. Clearly you know his condition better than I do.
I'll wait here. Lance, just go and see him. I'm fine. Really.
Right...
cars are here. We're off.
We're ready.
Rosie,
you look beautiful.
Thanks. I like to be called Rosemary, if you don't mind.
' "Rosie'" sounds a bit young.
OK!
Rosemary.
Off we go.
- Pardon me! - It's that school.
Here we are, then.
I love this hallway.
I'll just let you take it in.
Imagine walking through here every day,
coming home to this.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
I like the colour.
We could paint it.
No, I'm saying, I like it.
Yeah.
Not bad.
Wow!
I hate gay men.
Why are we even going? I hate them all!
Can we cancel?
Can we phone?
Could you cancel for me? Really, though?
Taxi's booked for eight.
Well, good luck, then, have a nice time, give my love to Cliff,
cos I'm not going. Sod them!
Will you marry me?
No!
You should learn to swim!
You should learn to fuck!
Hey!
Just wanted to say hello.
- Cos me and Henry, we never did it. - You never fucked?
I think there's gotta be one more cock.
Fuck it.
We could do that again, if you want.
I've met someone.
We're doubling up on front-of-house staff,
so you'll need to double up back here. Can you do that?
- I'll have to ask Frank. - I asked Frank. He told me to ask you.
Well, I don't know. I'll have to go through the budget.
I need an answer by the start of next week,
and you can't change your mind after that, OK?
Nice to see you with the workers.
Yeah. I was thinking,
we could go out for a drink. Like we said.
- Dunno. I'm busy this weekend. - How about Thursday, then?
Yeah.
That's good.
OK.
I'll give you a call.
Oh, for God's sake.
It's my house as well.
- Where's your car? - I parked round the corner,
so you wouldn't have a chance to run off.
Since when did I run away? No. I haven't got time for this.
I've got to shower.
I'm going out, and I'm late.
Are you going out with him?
Yes.
It's just, I forgot...
last time we talked.
I left something out.
I love you.
That was it.
I've had this song in my head all day...
...this earworm,
going round and round...
...some stupid old Eurovision song. I don't even know what it is.
Yeah, drives you mad.
It's not even like I'm one of those idiots who likes Eurovision.
But it's stuck. It won't stop.
Nice bread.
I got it from that shop.
Is he coming round?
No.
We're going out.
But you're bringing him back?
We'll see.
I'm... I'm not trying to stop you. I mean...
...I hope he's nice, but...
...I got a little bit lost.
I got lost.
Oh, my God, Lance, I got so lost.
And I'm sorry.
And I love you.
- That's what I'm saying. - What?
The song.
D'you want some tea?
No.
Because that song keeps going round and round.
Some stupid piece of shit from 30 years ago.
It's like...
I read this article once by Vanessa Feltz...
about 20 years ago, when she used to write for the Mirror.
She said her grandmother always used to do the washing-up in the same way.
' "Water too hot to the touch.'" That's what she said.
' "Water too hot to the touch.'"
I remember reading it, cos that's exactly how I wash up.
Yeah, boiling.
But the thing is...
every time I wash up...
...I think of Vanessa Feltz's grandmother.
Isn't that ridiculous?
Every single day of my life, just for a second...
...I think of Vanessa Feltz's grandmother.
Cos she's in there, she's stuck...
...she's this tiny little fact that won't go away.
That's what we are, Henry.
Heads full of shit.
All the stuff that just gathers over the years,
whether we want it or not.
A stupid old song. ' "Water too hot to the touch.'"
' "I love you.'"
So what?
Don't say that.
But it's true.
It's just some random association.
It's a phrase...
...that goes with your face and this house, that's all.
And I love you too, if you really want to know. Of course I do.
- But so what? - So, we should... do something.
What for?
I loved Tony Gibbons, once.
So what?
I loved Suzie Carlisle.
So what?
I loved Ian Rich for a day.
I loved you.
But so what?
I'm just tired of it.
I'm worn out,
rattling around this house with all these things inside my head...
cos none of it matters.
I think it does.
Well, what do you matter?
I've come all this way to... tell you...
...what I just said.
And be fair, me saying that, it's massive.
It's not, though.
Well, I think it is.
It doesn't matter what you think.
Don't you get it?
It doesn't matter.
Except I'm saying it does!
So? So fucking what?!
You can say whatever you like, Henry, cos it's just noise.
That's all you are, just noise, because you left, you went, you fucked off
and you're gone, and it doesn't fucking matter!
- Why don't you have the bread? - What?
Have the bread.
If it's so nice.
I'm getting ready to go out now.
Are you staying?
Is this what I did to you?
See ya.
- All right? - Yeah. What you having?
Um, gin and tonic, thanks.
Fuck off.
What d'you mean?
I'm not standing here with a gin and tonic. Jesus!
Let's go to your part of town.
- What, Canal Street? - Yep.
People go to the Northern Quarter these days.
They don't like tourists on Canal Street.
They get pissed off with visitors.
I might go native!
There he is, Henry, staring at me,
like a dog that's found its way home.
And I'm like, ' "Oh, no, you don't.'"
Right, let's go. Next!
Bollocks.
This is shit.
Let's go somewhere else.
Let's go. Bring it on!
I should pay her? I'm like, ' "Why should I pay you? '"
She says, ' "Cos you earn more.'"
Yeah!
And she just sits at home all day...
Oi!
- You touching my arse, mate? - No.
You were touching my arse.
- I'm getting a drink. - You were touching me up.
I was not!
OK, Daniel, leave it now.
Got to admit, though, it's a good arse,
- isn't it? Yeah? - How old are you, 40?
Oh, my God!
You little bastard!
Bet you were nice when you were 20.
- Back in the day! - D'you want to know a medical fact,
though? The male penis gets thicker and fatter with age.
That's a real fact, and I am living proof.
- D'you want a feel? - Get off.
Go on, cop a feel.
You're mental, you are.
- Leave him, now. - Come on. How's that, then?
I've got to be honest,
they all feel the same.
Oh, d'you think?
Oh, my God!
Karl, look at this one!
That good, is it?
Oh, my God! I'm never washing this hand again.
That was nice!
I've got him! He's mine! Yay!
...Mickey, and this is Michael, not to be confused.
Daniel says he's a diver. Trouble is, he's a muff diver!
Hey, don't knock it if you haven't tried it.
I'm strictly a knob man, me.
If you insist!
That's my one regret - I'll never know.
All the pints of semen I've generated over the years,
and I'll never know if I was fertile.
I can tell. I ain't got kids, but I can feel them,
my little tadpoles being all motile.
- I bet you've got billions! - Fucking wriggling, they are.
Oh, it's Lucy!
Khaleesi!
All praise Khaleesi!
Hey.
I think I might go.
What are you gonna do? You coming, or?
I dunno. This is a laugh.
OK.
I'll wander off.
Oh, bollocks.
You gonna get a taxi?
Yeah, I suppose.
Stay for one more.
You can stay. I don't mind.
I've got booze back at mine. What do you think?
No, thanks.
Really good whisky...
I'm not doing it, mate.
No way.
I meant to say, the other night -
that was just a... a laugh.
I know.
Not gonna happen again.
I know.
Just so that's clear.
Sure.
We could still go back to mine.
Just for a drink.
I don't think that's fair.
OK.
I'll be off.
- You could come back to mine. - Really?
Come on, let's get off our heads. Besides, you never know your luck.
I can't get to sleep without a good wank.
Danny! Khaleesi says can she have a go down your trousers.
That lucky bitch!
Don't go.
Here I come, boys!
Long night?
Yeah.
Me, too.
It's cold. I'm freezing.
So, where have you been, tonight?
Oh, y'know. The usual.
Ended up singing karaoke at the New Union.
Not been there for years.
Hasn't changed a bit.
That's not a Manchester accent.
No. But I've lived here for about 18 years now.
Still new, then.
This was the first place I came,
Canal Street.
I couldn't wait.
They've been coming here for years.
Way back when, in the 1920s,
boys came down to the canal,
into the tunnels,
looking for a man in the dark.
Nothing changes.
They found that boy in the water last year.
There's a boy every year.
Some kid gets lost and never goes home.
He's handsome, your fella.
He's not my fella.
But you're in with a chance.
I dunno.
I could go back to his.
Or you could just go home.
Yeah.
That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
Go home, to bed, and sleep, and...
...all the bloodlust just fades.
Yeah.
You could walk away,
right now, walk down the street,
hail a taxi,
drive away and never look back.
But he's so damn handsome.
What do you think I should do?
Is it worth it...
...the chance...
...of one night with a handsome man, is it really worth it, in the end?
Yes!
Really?
Yes.
Well, there you are, then. So that's my answer.
Same old answer every time.
And I've stayed too long, sweetheart.
Good luck.
Where are you going now? Back to the karaoke?
Don't think so.
I've had my time.
I was singing karaoke...
when I died.
Valve in my heart just went pop.
Dropped down dead.
55 years old.
'"That's no age, '" they said, '"that's no age at all.
' "But good old Hazel. What a way to go! '"
Now I walk up and down this street.
Me and the boys in the water.
Go home.
You've taken a wrong turn, but you can still turn back.
Now listen to me.
And go home.
Lance!
Come and see this.
Too handsome for me.
I'll see you again.
Lance!
We'll go in a minute, OK? Back to mine, yeah?
What d'you think?
Right!
Beer. Nice.
...cos it all comes down to the spine,
if the human spine was a different shape - basically,
if we had a hinge, if we could double over,
then there'd be no such thing as homosexuality, it wouldn't exist,
cos every single man in the world
would hit 13, bend over and suck himself off
every night. We'd die out.
We'd become extinct, cos we'd all be too busy noshing!
D'you think?
- Yeah. - You seen those men online,
the ones who can give themselves a blow job?
Fucking brilliant! Don't you think?
Yeah...
Well, don't get too enthusiastic.
No, it's just...
you talk about gay men more than I do.
- Oh, fuck off. - You do, a bit.
It's just... I think
it won't matter one day.
A thousand years from now, anyone will sleep with anyone.
No-one will care.
You'd have to sleep with women.
OK.
What's your type, then?
If you had to fuck a girl, what's your type?
- I haven't got one. - I go for blondes.
First girl I ever went out with, blonde.
Lucy, this girl I went out with for three years, blonde.
Ex-wife, blonde, which is weird, because
you couldn't get blacker than you, mate.
OK.
I think maybe I should go home.
Did you think I was gay when you first saw me?
No.
- But you thought I was hot? - Yeah.
- So when did you realise I wasn't? - Does it matter?
- Yeah, I want to know. - I dunno.
Straightaway.
Veronica said
you're one of those men that flirts with anyone.
Did you tell her about us at your house?
Well, did you?
No.
She'd have loved that.
She'd have fucking frigged herself off, big time.
Bitch.
OK.
I can get a taxi from the main road.
- Time to go. - You can suck me off.
D'you want to?
I do. But...
not now.
Here we go.
No, it's OK.
You don't want it?
Seriously?
You're just a bit...
full-on.
Sorry.
I don't know what to do.
You don't have to do anything.
Fuck.
Go on.
Oh, mate, don't make me look stupid.
Is this... OK?
Fucking A.
Ohhh...
Do you like that?
D'you want to suck it?
It's OK.
Hey, OK.
Take your time.
No rush.
No.
- Come on. - No way.
- I want to fuck you. - No.
- Can I fuck you? - Not like this.
Will you fuck me?
Is that what you want?
Will you fuck me?
Yeah.
One day.
Will you fuck my arse?
Will you fuck it hard?
Really fuck it hard, yeah?
Right up my arse.
Oh, no, no...
OK?
Fuck off.
It's all right.
I'll get a towel.
Don't go through my things. You're not touching them.
Fucking hell!
You raped me.
You happy now?
I said, are you happy now?
I'm OK.
Dirty fuck.
Don't get like that.
Are you gonna tell her? Veronica. Not a fucking word.
I won't.
Don't say anything at work. Don't you fucking dare.
You and your little... fucking shit mouth.
Your shit shit shit little mouth.
- OK, stop it. Don't. - Fuck off,
you dirty fucking pig!
You dirty fucking little pig!
You got that?
Don't you fucking touch me.
Don't you ever.
Don't you ever.
Don't you ever. Don't you...
touch me!
I'll go home, OK?
You're in my mouth.
I'm just gonna go, OK?
Stupid cunt.
Stupid cunt.
Look what you've done to me now!
No!
That's your fault!
That's your fault!
That's your fault!
It's not my fault! They won't listen to me!
Go home!
...so we walked along, and there were three of us by that time,
and I said we should keep going.
So we did.
And we kept walking for about an hour, I don't know, maybe two hours.
I was getting worn out. It was so hot!
But I said,
' "Let's just keep going.'"
So we went a bit further, we just... kept on walking!