Cucumber (2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
Henry decides to add a few creature comforts to his sparse new accommodation but, following a colleague's suicide for which he was blamed, stays away from work and keeps his address a ...
- Will you marry me?
- No.
- Henry, can I ask you a favour? - Not now.
- Settled down, have you? - Yeah.
Have you done it yet?
This is Henry from work.
CLIFF: You always did that. You never had affairs, just obsessions.
LANCE: Lance Sullivan, Head of Corporate and Education.
- Hi, there. - Oh, careful. Sorry.
- HENRY: Could you what? - Borrow it. The essay.
He just stole from me.
- (SHE SHOUTS IN HINDI) - I wasn't going to steal it.
We could go back to our house. No hassle. Just sex.
With the both of us, and then you can stay the night.
Lance, we should stop!
There's a man in my house.
There's no need to hurt him! Aaah!
Can I stay?
HENRY: Every happy couple has a secret.
They try to ignore it, they turn a blind eye,
but every happy couple is in danger,
because every happy couple has a mobile phone.
I've invented a test.
I call it the Henry test.
It works like this.
If you think you're happy in your relationship,
then take your partner's phone right now.
Then read the last 20 texts. That's all. That's the test.
Just read your beloved's last 20 texts.
(MURMURING)
(MURMURS)
What the hell's this? What the hell is this?
HENRY: Think you're happy?
Then pick up their phone. I dare you.
The Henry test starts... now.
(WIND WHISTLES)
(SIGHS)
- Oh... - (FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING)
(SNIFFS)
We're off, then! The key's on the kitchen table!
- We'll see you later, yeah? - OK.
And don't go in my room and wank over my pants, OK?
OK!
No TV.
(WIND WHISTLES)
(PHONE RINGS)
- What? - KATRINA: Oh, my God, Henry.
I got called in early, cos the police are here. They're with HR.
They said that he's dead.
Sunil Merchandani is dead. He killed himself.
Yes, I know. I spoke to them last night. Now, listen, I need a favour.
What did they say? What happened?
He killed himself because of that essay,
and, technically, you reported him so that makes you a murderer.
Now, tell Sascha I'm not coming in today. I'll... I'll keep my head down.
- KATRINA: What was he? A Hindu? - I don't know. Probably. Why?
Is that bad for Hindus, suicide?
No, it's great. They love it.
But is it, like, a mortal sin?
Yeah, listen, if Lance calls, you don't know where I am, OK?
- Why? Where are you? - You don't know!
(TEXT ALERT)
(SIGHS)
(SNIFFS)
Oh, my God. It's like the Millers'.
My little contribution, that's all. You're early.
Canteen. Mail room.
Maintenance. Cutbacks.
Your lot reduced our shifts.
They said in work you killed someone, that he's dead.
Are you hiding here cos you're on the run?
Look, OK, it's not quite like that. He was a friend of mine.
As a matter of fact, I was the very last person he spoke to.
And he was Asian. You're, like, a racist murderer.
Scotty, Henry. She's the one I told you about. She can fix your room.
- I've seen you at work. Hello. - Don't murder me.
- I won't. Don't worry. - Have you been in my room?
- No. - I would, if I were you.
I told you, no wanking.
Oh, that is brilliant, Henry!
I got some stuff. I didn't realise you haven't got a freezer.
You've only got that little compartment. So, you'd better eat some of it.
- Scotty, do you want to take some? - I'll have the burgers.
Eat the food of a murderer. Oh, my God, look at the booze!
Did you find out about the rent? Jesus! What are we? Asda?
Look at the booze!
It's just a gesture.
How much are you on a year?
- Um... 50,000? - Fucking hell!
I'm on seven quid an hour. Dean's on 6.80.
And those are the hours that stop at three so don't expect me to be impressed.
- Did you find out about the rent? - Did you find that document?
- What's your e-mail? - I'll need the password.
- Can you AirDrop? - Yep.
Gimme.
Dean said your windows need fixing.
I'll board 'em up for tonight but I've got to go at six.
I work the night shift at Pito's.
How many jobs have you got?
Four. So, how did it end, with the dead man?
Did he say, ' "I'm gonna kill myself now'"?
No, just, ' "See you tomorrow.'"
If he'd told me, I could have helped. I could have called the police.
Now he's gone, I get left with all the guilt. I'm like another victim.
There. That's the only document we had off Roderick.
Oh, I asked him about rent books. He just laughed.
OK, cos I'm gonna need to know exactly who owns what.
This is just a list of specs.
I know, and you promised to sort it out.
Cos this rent is a miracle. There's got to be something wrong.
And I don't care if we're squatting,
but if he's money-laundering, I don't want to be anywhere near it.
You only pay 400 a month, though.
I know.
So, how could that be money-laundering? It's such a small amount.
That's not how money-laundering works, is it?
Is it?
That's up to you.
OK.
- You said you'd find out. - I will.
We're only letting you stay on that condition.
I'm delighted.
Good.
(CHUCKLES)
When I say no wanking, I mean it.
OK. Got you.
I really mean it, Henry. Not a single toss.
Be fair. I'm only human.
No, cos I know exactly how it works.
You'll go to bed tonight and wrap yourself up warm,
and your hand will sneak down into your middle-aged underpants,
and you'll think about this flat and me
and your nice TV,
and you'll imagine, '"One night, Dean will go out.
'"It'll just be me and Freddie watching TV.'"
OK, I promise...
I don't even watch TV. I'm not 35, for God's sake!
But you'll just imagine us, sitting there, all nice and cosy.
With alcohol. There's wine.
(SNIGGERS) You'd imagine wine,
red wine,
and I say...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
...'"Oh, this is so kind of you, Henry, buying all this stuff, '"
and you say...
(POSH ACCENT)... ' "It's just a gesture'"...
(SNORTS)... and then I stretch,
or, no, I spill my drink, or...
(SNIGGERS AND SIGHS)
...I strain a muscle in my thigh,
or... I know,
it's a massage.
You're like, ' "Let me give you a massage, '" and it's got to be shoulders.
Yes, that's brilliant, because then you have to stand behind me,
cos even in your own fantasy,
you make sure that I'm not looking at your 46-year-old face, yeah?
And I'm just going, '"Oh. Oh, my God, that feels so good.
'"Ah.
'"You're so experienced.
' "Henry. Oh, don't stop, please! Oh! '"
And you can imagine this,
in so much detail,
and you're in that bedroom wanking away
until the top of your little bald head pops off,
and I'm not having it, OK?
You're not casting me.
This face is mine. It's copyright to me.
It's not to be used for masturbation without my express permission,
and that permission you do not have, Mr Best.
Literally, do not wank, using me.
It is forbid...
And this is turning you on, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
You see!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Hello! I was just passing. Well, that's not true, but...
I'm kind of busy, OK? I'm working from home.
It says congratulations.
Although the ' "congratulations'" can be removed, if needs be.
It's on a plaque, made of icing. You can eat it. Is Henry in?
- No. - His car's still there.
Your family's so fucking clever, isn't it?
Anyway, I thought it was a bit odd when you didn't text back.
Not Henry. He's useless. But you always text back within 20 seconds.
(SHE SIGHS)
The thing is, he panics.
There you go, my sweetheart. Won't be long, OK? That's it.
If you ask Henry to paint the wall,
then the first thing he does is think of reasons why not.
Even if he wants to paint the wall. So, God help us with marriage.
Adam's in the car.
He got excluded, so he's grounded and offlined.
I can't leave him at home. He'll turn the router back on.
Tell your Uncle Lance what you did.
He went online, called the deputy headmaster a Nazi.
Well, good for you.
And he called him a big fat queer.
- LANCE: Not funny, Adam. - Sorry!
Oh, he got tested for diabetes last week.
Do you remember, he got all woozy in the yard? And I thought it was drugs.
Turns out everything's fine. They said it's just his age.
It's all hormones with you lot.
I'll go. Sorry. Is he upstairs?
Whatever he said, I apologise.
- But are you OK? - He said no.
We had a threesome. Henry called the police.
I got arrested, and now he's walked out.
(LANCE LAUGHS)
They let me off with a caution, which means I've got a police record, thank you.
Better than the other bloke.
Francesco. Real name, David. They charged him with assault.
How did you get home? You should have called me.
I got a taxi in my boxers.
It was all right in the end. The man said they were used to it.
- And he was just gone? - No note, nothing.
- Where do you think he is? - Cliff's?
He hates Cliff.
- You could always try his phone. - He's not answering.
No, you could track his phone.
Use that Find My Phone thing. It works like radar.
That's how Debs found out that Petra wasn't in Swindon.
- Do you know his password? - No.
Although... he always uses the same one.
He always uses hastings...
...or hastings1.
Hastings123.
- (COMPUTER BEEPS) - LANCE: There he is!
CLEO: Oh, my God! It works.
Hold on. That... that's your street.
- That's here. That's now. - He's at the end of the road.
No, no, no, no! I'll get out of your way.
What did I tell you, though? Fuss over nothing.
Excuse me. He's not just walking back in.
Oh, I know. Just have some of that cake. It's delicious.
Mum! Mum!
- (DOG BARKS) - You little fuck.
Thank you.
I'll have to say hello. I can't pretend I'm not here.
So, have you told me or not? Do I know?
You don't know everything.
It wasn't just the police. It went a lot deeper than that.
Why? What happened?
Bye, then, Cleo.
(ENGINE STARTS)
LANCE: You bastard!
- Whoo! - Henry!
(HENRY WHOOPS)
Ya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Oh, my goodness.
You want to know what happened?
Adam, what do you think?
Do you want to know what's really going on? Cos I'm gonna tell you.
All about your Uncle Henry, and his arse!
VERONICA: You're late. I thought you weren't coming in.
Well, I called Furnival's. No problem. I moved them to Monday at 4.30.
And we had a call from that man at Nickelodeon.
I need you to find something out.
I need to know, if you've been cautioned by the police,
say, for some offence or whatever, do you have to tell your employer?
I don't know. Why?
I do know, cos of that time with the man in Transport.
You don't have to tell 'em, no,
but it might be wise if you do, in case it makes the papers.
Oh, shit. How does it get into the papers?
Shit!
Oh! Good timing, boss. Just getting my arse out.
Yeah, that's funny. Listen, we were gonna have that drink.
Let's do it. Tonight OK? Any good?
- Uh... not really, no. - Why not?
We're all going for a Chinese
- with the front-of-house team. - What time?
- Eight o'clock. - OK, let's go for a drink at six, then.
How does that work?
Um... could do.
Doesn't give up, does he?
Yeah, tell you what, Phil. Shut the fuck up for once. How about that?
Right, six o'clock.
We'll go to Atlas on the corner. I'll see you there.
Excellent. Sorry, Phil.
- If you turned your bloody e-mail on... - It's Adam. He's offlined.
I need you to look something up. It's a warehouse in town.
I think it might be caught in some sort of dispute. It was being converted.
I don't handle commercial properties.
No, but you must know estate agents who do.
We're back online! Five minutes! Do not post anything!
(HENRY TYPES ON PHONE)
There. Sending.
It was being converted into flats, but then they stopped and no-one knows why.
And that's...
...all you've got to say for yourself? - Yep.
Molly! Give us a minute, OK?
You don't have to go. You can stay. How are you? How's things?
- They've been talking about you. - Er... thanks, Moll.
So, I haven't got long.
This property, it's the Calico Warehouse on Calico Lane.
M1. The conversion stopped round about 2008, I think.
- Where the hell are you staying? - With friends.
- Well, who? Is it Cliff? - Who'd stay with Cliff?
Well, I dunno. If I was hiding.
If I needed to be smuggled out of the country, I'd go to Cliff.
- And don't tell him about this. - I haven't.
Please don't. He'd love it.
Never mind Cliff. I'm back online. I can look up the word ' "intercrural'".
Er... I need a copy of this. Where's the printer?
- Adam. - Oh.
- That looks all right. - Knock-knock.
Sorry. Um... if I send you a document, can you print it off?
Course I can, yeah.
It's just two pages.
Er... no worries. Hold on.
- Oh, this is Beanie. - Hi there.
- We've met before. - Your mum's birthday.
Oh, yeah.
- How you doing? - Er... good, um...
- not bad. - (PRINTER WHIRRS)
I... I suppose you're wondering. That little, um... escapade.
We were just mucking about.
Uncle Lance said you never take it up the bum.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!
ADAM: He did.
He said you've been boyfriends for all these years but you've never bummed.
- Is that right? - Oh, no way, man! No, no! (LAUGHS)
Thanks, Adam.
I was only asking, cos I thought you liked bumming.
- BEANIE: Oh, man! - (BOTH LAUGH)
ADAM: I'll bum you in a minute!
- BEANIE: You're not bumming me! - ADAM: I bumming am!
(ADAM AND BEANIE LAUGH)
- He's never been bummed! - Never bummed!
- Yeah! - (LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
- Never been bummed! - (LAUGHTER)
It's not bad. It's better than a bedsit.
But if I am gonna settle down here properly,
I will start looking for a house.
I looked in Denton. The prices there aren't too bad.
You OK?
I seem to find myself single.
Right. Anything you can find.
Ownership. Legal status.
Any court actions. I need it for work.
- Do you want a cup of coffee? - No, thanks.
- Glass of wine? - Nope. Just the information.
Then I'll leave you alone.
(ADAM AND BEANIE LAUGH)
(COMPUTER BINGS)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
- Does this mean you're a virgin? - I'm not talking about it.
I am not talking about this. I'm really not talking about it, OK?
I mean, we had all sorts of problems. Daft things.
You know, like any couple. I promised I'd learn to swim. I never did.
- You can't swim? - I know.
You get all that racist shit about ' "black men can't swim'",
then you don't even bother?
- I know. - Talk about letting the side down, mate.
I've got worse than that, cos me and Henry, we never...
This is embarrassing, but... we never did it, really.
To each other. I mean, anal.
- Intercourse. - Shit.
- Too much detail? - I hardly know you.
Sorry.
You never fucked?
According to this website, you're called sides.
If you're not a top or a bottom, you're... you're a side.
But I'm glad. I mean, I thought there was something wrong, but it's not just you.
It's a thing. It's an established thing. There's thousands of you not doing it.
So, that's good, isn't it? I don't know. Isn't it?
So, you take it but he won't? He won't have it up his arse?
But at the same time, he won't put it up your arse either?
That's about it.
I was wrong. You're completely fucked.
(LAUGHS)
So, not with anybody, ever?
Not with Steven? Not with Leo? I thought you and Leo were at it like knives.
You did. You were. I was in the bedroom next door.
You were shagging away like billy-o. What were you doing?
When we met, he said, '"I don't fuck on the first night.'" Fair enough.
Next time, he said, '"I don't fuck till I really know someone.'"
And then, I suppose, months went by and he said, ' "I don't do it much.'"
Just not much. He didn't say never, and so he kept putting it off.
And I'm not a top, but I'll do it sometimes. I'd offer.
But he'd always be tired or sore or bad guts or whatever,
and I liked him, I really liked him.
I love him.
And so, every time I talked about it, he'd clam up.
So I stopped even mentioning it and here we are, nine years later.
CLEO: So, there's mutual masturbation?
And blow jobs, yeah? You... you've got to have oral sex, haven't you?
I mean, we do have sex. It's sex for me. It counts as sex.
We suck each other off.
Look, all right, you asked. We rim each other.
Not so much these days, but it's not completely out of bounds.
The thing I don't get is... you talk like you fuck, Henry.
Somebody bends over on TV and you're like, ' "Phwoar! '"
Like you want to go up him, literally up him, right there and then,
and you're like that all the time.
You've been like that for 30 years.
Cos if you don't want to fuck, that's fine,
and if you don't want to be fucked, that's fine,
but why do you pretend that you do?
The building.
It was owned by Shelling's. They went bust in 2011.
They're being sued by a company in Germany called Kurtz & Gain.
I don't know what for, but permission for the conversion has not been completed.
E-mail that to me.
Cos I've had nights without penetration.
Between the thighs or, you know, a tit wank.
Oh, my God.
If we're really being honest, sometimes I've got no choice.
I'd be getting off with girls in the old days
and they'd be like, ' "Whoa. No way. That's too big.'"
- Oh, right. - You get what I'm saying?
Yeah, right. Yeah, nice.
Thought you might have the same problem, you know, statistically.
Well, that's another racial stereotype.
But that's fine. I like that one. I'll buy it.
I didn't even realise till we had this detention once.
I must have been about 12 or 13.
There were six of us, the teacher went off, God knows where,
and we're all talking about stuff, you know, like sex.
- Oh, my God. You had a circle jerk. - We're talking about this lab assistant,
Angie, and I was so hard, like rock hard.
And I just went, ' "Sorry, boys, '" and I got it out, whack.
And the lads, they were like, ' "Jesus Christ, Danny! Look at that thing! '"
I mean, I didn't know.
They were like, '"You lucky bastard! Give us a go on that, then! '"
- And did you? - What?
Let them have a go?
- Why... why the fuck would I do that? - I don't know. You said...
They're my mates. I'm not gonna let 'em touch my knob.
- OK, sorry. - Jesus, though.
You lot, you... you think we're all begging for it.
That is genuinely offensive.
- I've gotta go. - I didn't really mean it.
I had to listen to all your shit.
Then I tell you something private and you just go and... queer it.
- Whatever. See you at work. - Yeah, sorry.
OK.
- Bye, then. - I could teach you to swim.
- Really? - Yeah, if you want.
Nah, it's all right.
You want to learn to swim, who's the expert?
Here's my number. I will find out days and times. No worries.
But be warned, it does get physical.
I don't want you getting all excited in front of me.
You better strap that whopper down, mate.
Come here. Mwah!
Hello?
I'm back.
It's me.
I'm back.
(SNIFFS)
(* KAISER CHIEFS: Na Na Na Na Na)
*It does not shift me
*It's not the kind of thing that I like
* Na na na na naa
* Na na na na naa... *
(TEXT ALERT)
(DISTANT SIREN WAILS)
* Na na na na naa... *
(MUSIC PLAYS)
(TEXT ALERT)
*... She's not the kind of girl... *
- (SIREN WAILS) - (WHISPERS) Shut up.
(SIGHS)
(MUSIC PLAYS)
* Feels real good and I know you love me
* Like you...
(HIGH-PITCHED) *... Should...
* Oh, you make me feel
* Mighty real
* You make me feel
* Mighty real... *
(* HEATWAVE: Boogie Nights)
- Ah, he's so embarrassed. - He shouldn't be late, then.
Right, see you later, then. Thanks, Dad!
What's the matter with Irene? You'd think I killed someone.
She's coming in this afternoon.
Mrs Merchandani. The widow Merchandani.
She's coming here. She's coming into work. She wants to see us.
She wants to see you and me. She named us.
HR said we've got to be there. Oh, my God, Henry!
What's wrong with her?
She should be grieving, she should be sitting at home, crying her eyes out.
Let's face it, he was nuts. He wasn't well.
He had five months off last year. Even Mr Rose said his work was eccentric.
Do you think they've buried him yet?
I don't know. I'm looking. Is it fast, with Hindus?
I think it is. It's that hot-countries thing.
But he's a suicide. He'd still be in the morgue.
Oh, shit. It's bad enough being dead, but he's even worse. He's blasphemous.
We'll have to apologise.
I'm not apologising.
What for?
Obviously, we'll do anything we can to help.
And I... I know that sounds like a... an empty offer,
but there really are things we can do.
Even just helping with childcare, transport.
Or lending a hand with shopping. I... I mean it. Anything at all.
Mrs Merchandani wishes me to express her gratitude.
So many kind words and tributes. They have been a great consolation.
Now, as requested, I've asked Mr Best and Mrs Kingston to join us.
I'm sure we'd all like the chance to... clear the air.
Yeah, can I... I just want to say how sorry I am.
And I mean that. I can't say it enough. I'm so sorry.
I mean, our involvement was...
Not that we were involved directly.
But we made a mistake. He was a lovely man. I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
- And Henry, I'm sure you'd, er... - Yes, I'm very sorry for your loss.
I wish I'd spent more time with him.
But, er... you know, things get busy and, er... I could have made more effort.
I'm sorry about that. I... apologise.
Thank you.
He liked... football, didn't he?
Yes, he did.
I don't follow it myself, but, er... Southampton, is that right?
They... they got promoted a while back?
We have family in Southampton.
He was very happy that day.
MR BHOSE: I think, given the unfortunate events of that night,
my client simply wishes to ask about the timeline.
Who said what, when. Just for clarification.
Of course. That makes sense.
- Shoona? Would you... - (CLEARS THROAT) Yes, thank you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I know this is difficult,
but, um... we've established the events of the afternoon,
when you gave that file to my husband, Mr Best.
I think you could argue that he took it with the intent to steal,
and, um... I'm sorry for that.
And then, that night, he attempted to contact you?
That's right.
But there doesn't seem to be any mention of your meeting that afternoon.
My meeting with him?
Yes, that's right.
That, um... that same afternoon? I... I don't know. I... I saw him in the car park.
He said that you had a conversation on the staircase.
Um... on the stairwell at the back of the Norton Building that leads to, um...
I forget the name. I am sorry.
- West Bridle Street? - Yes, that's right.
I'm sorry. I don't understand. What conversation?
The conversation you had with my husband.
N-No, not that day.
Er... then perhaps you can explain.
Sunil said that you met him on the stairs and that you accused him of being a thief
- and he denied it... - No, that didn't happen.
- If we could just finish? - But it didn't happen.
Henry. Thanks.
He said that you were angry and that's understandable.
He said he offered to sit with you, have a cup of tea, coffee,
but you said, '"I'm not sitting down with a filthy Paki thief.'"
- I did not. - He said, ' "That's not fair, '"
and you said, '"I'm going to get you sacked, you stupid thieving turban.'"
I did not! No, you can't write that down! I never said it!
- Henry, if you could just wait... - No, I'm not having this.
I'm not having it. Don't even try it! Listen, my own boyfriend's black!
Oh, yes, the boyfriend's relevant too,
because Mr Best accused my husband of being an ugly, retarded breeder.
We did not know what that word meant,
until someone told us that that's a derogatory term
that homosexuals use to refer to heterosexuals.
Mr Best called my husband a breeder. He called him Apu.
He called him Mowgli,
and then when my husband was very upset,
Mr Best told him to shove a poppadom in his mouth
and fuck off back where he came from.
That's what he said.
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh.
- You should have taken me in. - Fat lot of good the unions are.
- She's making it up. - I can't comment on that.
Oh, thank God I've got your support! She's brilliant, though. First class.
Playing the race card. No, that sticks. It sticks for life.
Well, I'm not taking it. I'll sue. I'll sue her lying arse off.
She's a widow and eight months pregnant.
I don't think it's the right time for legal action.
You should have used a different room.
What's the room got to do with it?
BOB: You don't have tables for a confrontation.
You have open plan. You should have called me.
They're suspending you with immediate effect, without pay.
But she's lying.
Not you, Katrina. You're fine.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)
(PHONE TOOTS)
(TEXT ALERT)
(* AL WILSON: The Snake)
*I'll take you in and I'll take care of you
* Take me in, oh, tender woman
* Take me in, for heaven's sake
* Take me in, tender woman
* Sighed the snake... *
DEAN: Mr Best?
They said you've been sacked. They said you got kicked out for murder.
This is him! He killed that man and they sacked him.
I know it's very sad and all that,
but we thought we'd drink your booze before you took it away.
We asked your solicitor and he said you wouldn't mind.
- My solicitor? - He said, ' "I'll have one. Drink up.'"
What do you mean, my solicitor?
Cliff.
Henry! This fine young man's called Samson,
and he was just showing me his tattoo of the Sacré Coeur.
Isn't it magnificent?
How did you get here?
Oh, I... I was just saying to Freddie...
I've met all your flatmates. It's great.
Cliff's been very generous.
CLIFF: But your sister phoned.
She was checking out the court actions on this address on your behalf,
and when I asked her why, she was being a bit shifty.
So, I phoned you at work and they said you were unavailable
so I just bluffed it and I said, ' "I'm his solicitor! Put me through!"
He's not really my solicitor. He just did my house about eight years ago.
CLIFF: And then they said they were gonna pass me through to Legal,
and I said, ' "Why? '" and they said because you've been suspended,
and I said, '"Yes, '" I said, '"I know!
' "It's outrageous! How dare you? '" I didn't have a fucking clue.
That's brilliant.
But then they said you'd left a forwarding address. Well, look at that.
The Calico Warehouse. Hello!
HENRY: Do you know what I love about the modern world?
Everyone knows every fucking thing.
Oh, Jesus, Cliff!
CLIFF: You've had a time, haven't you?
- Yeah. - Hm.
I'm not going home. I said to Lance, I'm not ready. It's just dinner.
He's booked that Saisons at the Ramsay. Do you know it?
- Christ, I want to fuck that Freddie. - I know.
I mean, bend him over and fuck that arse all night long.
Can you imagine his face when he comes?
Should you be drinking?
Oh, it's just the one. Oh, you've got it so right, Henry.
Leave your boring boyfriend for that hot, fit fucker. It's inspired!
It's not like that, not really. I'm not sleeping with him.
Oh, I know you're not.
He's only 24. It'd be ridiculous.
Not for me.
Right. Time to go.
Where are you parked? I'll walk you there.
We can leave them to it, the young things. They don't need us.
Mr B, can you still afford those windows?
Cos Scotty said a cheque's OK but she had to put down 100 quid in cash.
Can you pay her back? Like now?
Erm... er... of course, yeah.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
This is Meatballs.
- Hiya. - Hi.
And this lot, this is my family. This is, like, my real family.
That's Violet and Sian, and Sian's mum, Vanessa. She's a lesbian too.
- God knows what went on in that house. - VANESSA: I'm telling you.
The whole street was bent. The boy next door, he's a woman called Gala now.
- DEAN: Like gala pie? - VANESSA: That's what I said.
But does she listen? Gala Pie Jones.
Scotty works for Vanessa.
I run a cleaner's. We do all the city centre flats.
High-end, Coronation Street and all that.
Scrubbers to the stars, that's us.
Thanks. I've got the Sunday morning shift.
VANESSA: We do police work too, all the deep-cleaning at murder scenes.
You're keeping us in business!
Dean said you were sorting out the rent, cos we've got the flat around the corner.
It's a third of this size but we still pay Roderick 400 quid.
- The whole thing's weird. - Did you really kill that man?
As a matter of fact, if you know anything about Hinduism,
you'll know that suicide is a violation of the ahimsa.
So, if I let his widow think it's murder, that's better. It's a better death.
She can think I killed him so his soul can rest in peace,
which means I'm being very, very kind
and, frankly, I'm still waiting for someone to say thank you.
Knock-knock. Cliff, let's go.
Freddie was just saying he was training to be an architect.
Brilliant. Architect and chef.
- He's like a renaissance man. - What makes you think I'm a chef?
It's a cook-chill kitchen. All we do is heat things up.
So, what happened with the architecture?
Got chucked out. It was my own fault. I was too busy getting pissed.
Anyway, we're off.
- I'm gonna stay. - No, come on. We can go together.
No, you're gonna be late. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
Freddie can look after me.
Off you go, Henry. Turn around. Bye-bye.
- I can help you with the stairs. - Oh, just shut up and go.
All right, then. Remember what I said, be careful with that drink.
Cliff's got a bit of a problem. Big problem, really. Lifelong problem.
And you watch out, Freddie. Cliff said he's dying to see your come face.
FREDDIE: Oh!
Good luck.
(TEXT ALERT)
Cheers.
(PHONE SENDS MESSAGE)
Oh. I asked. They haven't got a table.
I tried your name and my name. We're not there.
Well, that's because I booked a room.
Oh, I'm in so much trouble at work.
Good.
(DOOR SHUTS)
(HENRY GASPS)
How much does this cost? Is it on the joint account?
No, I'm paying.
- Does that include breakfast? - Depends if we're staying.
I'll stay. You can go home.
(LANCE SNORTS)
You're so scared.
We could just skip this bit. We could, though, really.
Cos two weeks' time, you and me, we'll just be sitting at home watching TV.
We could cut out all this shit in the middle and go home. I'm tired.
- That'd be nice. - Yeah.
LANCE: I just don't know if I can live with it any more.
Your shame.
(TEXT ALERT)
- Oh, come on. - No, it might be important.
- Turn it off. - I can't. I've got this... work thing.
(TEXTING)
LANCE: Finished?
- Shall we order some food? - Dunno. You hungry?
- You know what I say about hotel burgers. - They're always brilliant.
(CHUCKLES)
So, where are you staying?
- Oh, people from work. - Who?
Er... a bloke called Fred. Right Said Fred. He's got a spare room.
Did you have to tell everyone?
I don't know, Henry. You tell me. Tell me about it. What is there to tell?
Look, I'm not saying a good fuck is the solution.
Then again, it might be magnificent.
It might be the hallelujah fucking chorus for some of us.
But that doesn't matter.
It doesn't. It really doesn't.
What does matter? I asked you to marry me, and you said no.
(TEXT ALERT)
- Oh, so it's all right for you? - You started it.
Huh.
(CHUCKLES) Fucking telephones.
- Who was it? - Work.
- This time of night? - You've had a call.
I work in insurance. What's happened with you? Has a fish gone missing?
Anyway, if it helps, I know why you turned me down.
- OK. - Thing is, you love me.
Like it or not, that's a fact. I'm not worried about that.
The problem is, we've had all these years together
but you still keep hoping someone better might come along.
I'd see it happen, you know. Every couple of years, you get a crush on someone.
It comes and goes like the tide. There was that Enzo.
I just worked with him!
Yeah, it was the way you said his name.
And then it passed. Nothing happened, never does.
It came, it went, it's fine.
I could have an affair if I wanted one.
Yeah, you could have someone else to not fuck.
Listen, I'm not complaining. Honestly, I'm not.
You flirt, you get obsessed, and then you always come home.
I bet you, even now, if I was to do that Henry test on your phone,
I'd find some man, some funny little text, a nudge, a wink,
someone you keep on the boil, just in case.
- Am I right? - And your phone is spotless?
Nothing to hide. I never have.
Is that so? Right now? Tonight? Really?
All right, then, if you're so certain of everything,
- let's do it, you and me. The Henry test. - OK.
- Give me your phone. - And I can test yours?
Yup. All I've got is some stupid little text from Cliff.
And I've got this swimmer thing. It's a promotion.
Let's have a look.
I leave you alone for one night and ' "Daniel'" is sending you cock shots.
It's work. He's a diver. He swims. Why's Cliff saying ' "home, sweet home'"?
I don't know. Ask Cliff.
- You've never mentioned a Daniel. - He's new.
So, you don't even know him and he sends you this?
It's like a poster thing for work, that's all. Who's the boy?
(SCOFFS) How should I know?
All right, then. Cliff always puts his photos up on Facebook.
No, no, no. The test is only for texts. Give it back. Give it back!
OK, then. I'm friends with Cliff, technically. Let's see.
You failed the test. That's one-nil to me.
Now what are we doing? Are we... are we eating? Are we getting a burger?
- Lance? What are we doing? - You're staying with Fred?
Yes.
- And Cliff's tagged Freddie Baxter. - So?
It says ' "Cliff and Freddie at Henry's'".
But when you go to Freddie Baxter's page, it says Freddie's place.
Well, that's Cliff. He's just... just... just a cunt.
- So, Fred is Freddie? - Yes, he works at Clement's, yeah.
And he's tagged Dean. Dean Monroe. There's always a Dean.
Dean works in the mail room.
So, let me get this right.
The people you're staying with, these are their children?
No. There's Freddie. He's gay.
There's Dean. He's gay.
And there's me. I'm gay too.
And we all live together in a... in a great big gay house, being gay!
Oh, you're ridiculous. Jesus Christ, Henry! What are you doing?
I'm not sleeping with them.
I know. You never do. You don't even sleep with me!
Do you know what, Lance?
If you know me so well, do you know what I really think?
Do you know what I think all day long, every single day,
right down deep in my heart?
I think there's got to be one more cock! Out there!
Just one more cock for me, and I'm in danger of missing it!
And I love you, Lance. I do. You're very nice.
I appreciate that. Thank you. But do you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna go out there and find it.
So, I'm not gonna marry you. No, I'm not gonna settle down.
I'm gonna go and find myself one more cock,
and do you know what you're gonna do? You will wait.
- I'll do what? - You'll wait for me.
I will not!
You'll wait for me whether you like it or not, because that's who you are, Lance.
You're a very nice man who waits.
So, I'll go off in search of cock!
It'll probably be disastrous and right now that feels fantastic.
And that's Freddie Baxter's cock? Freddie, birthday 13th March 1990?
You're the one who keeps telling me to have proper sex. So, watch me try!
You're 46 years old. He is never gonna have sex with you.
He is never, ever, ever going to have sex with you, never!
I know that. But do you know what I also know?
I know that if I stand next to the most beautiful boy in the world,
then one day, if I stand there for a thousand years,
then one day, he will be drunk or blind or bored or bereaved or maybe just kind.
Maybe one day he will be kind to me and I will be lucky. Just once.
And you'd chuck everything away for a chance that'll never happen?
- Yes. - Get out of my room.
Shall I send up Daniel?
Fuck off!
(PHONE BLOOPS)
(SIGHS)
(SHOUTING OUTSIDE)
(SHOUTING OUTSIDE)
- (DOOR CREAKS) - (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Cliff still here?
He's in bed.
Your bed?
I fucked him(!)
Don't be stupid.
You OK?
I had a disaster.
(WHISPERS) It's never gonna happen.
(WHISPERS) What?
(WAISTBAND SNAPS BACK)
I can't help thinking, if I wait long enough, then...
...one day, you might come home and you might be drunk or bored
or... kind.
Or maybe you'll finally want that massage...
...and for once in my life, I'll get lucky.
I know it's never gonna happen. But...
...but it's possible.
You've got to admit, it's possible, isn't it?
(WHISPERS) Just once.
Yeah.
- (DOOR SHUTS) - Yes!
* You make me feel
* Mighty real
* You make me feel
* Mighty real
* When we get home, darling And it's nice and dark
* And the music's in me and I'm still real hot
* Then you kiss me there and it feels real good
* And I know you'll love me
* Like you should
* Oh, you make me feel
* Mighty real. *
- Henry, can I ask you a favour? - Not now.
- Settled down, have you? - Yeah.
Have you done it yet?
This is Henry from work.
CLIFF: You always did that. You never had affairs, just obsessions.
LANCE: Lance Sullivan, Head of Corporate and Education.
- Hi, there. - Oh, careful. Sorry.
- HENRY: Could you what? - Borrow it. The essay.
He just stole from me.
- (SHE SHOUTS IN HINDI) - I wasn't going to steal it.
We could go back to our house. No hassle. Just sex.
With the both of us, and then you can stay the night.
Lance, we should stop!
There's a man in my house.
There's no need to hurt him! Aaah!
Can I stay?
HENRY: Every happy couple has a secret.
They try to ignore it, they turn a blind eye,
but every happy couple is in danger,
because every happy couple has a mobile phone.
I've invented a test.
I call it the Henry test.
It works like this.
If you think you're happy in your relationship,
then take your partner's phone right now.
Then read the last 20 texts. That's all. That's the test.
Just read your beloved's last 20 texts.
(MURMURING)
(MURMURS)
What the hell's this? What the hell is this?
HENRY: Think you're happy?
Then pick up their phone. I dare you.
The Henry test starts... now.
(WIND WHISTLES)
(SIGHS)
- Oh... - (FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING)
(SNIFFS)
We're off, then! The key's on the kitchen table!
- We'll see you later, yeah? - OK.
And don't go in my room and wank over my pants, OK?
OK!
No TV.
(WIND WHISTLES)
(PHONE RINGS)
- What? - KATRINA: Oh, my God, Henry.
I got called in early, cos the police are here. They're with HR.
They said that he's dead.
Sunil Merchandani is dead. He killed himself.
Yes, I know. I spoke to them last night. Now, listen, I need a favour.
What did they say? What happened?
He killed himself because of that essay,
and, technically, you reported him so that makes you a murderer.
Now, tell Sascha I'm not coming in today. I'll... I'll keep my head down.
- KATRINA: What was he? A Hindu? - I don't know. Probably. Why?
Is that bad for Hindus, suicide?
No, it's great. They love it.
But is it, like, a mortal sin?
Yeah, listen, if Lance calls, you don't know where I am, OK?
- Why? Where are you? - You don't know!
(TEXT ALERT)
(SIGHS)
(SNIFFS)
Oh, my God. It's like the Millers'.
My little contribution, that's all. You're early.
Canteen. Mail room.
Maintenance. Cutbacks.
Your lot reduced our shifts.
They said in work you killed someone, that he's dead.
Are you hiding here cos you're on the run?
Look, OK, it's not quite like that. He was a friend of mine.
As a matter of fact, I was the very last person he spoke to.
And he was Asian. You're, like, a racist murderer.
Scotty, Henry. She's the one I told you about. She can fix your room.
- I've seen you at work. Hello. - Don't murder me.
- I won't. Don't worry. - Have you been in my room?
- No. - I would, if I were you.
I told you, no wanking.
Oh, that is brilliant, Henry!
I got some stuff. I didn't realise you haven't got a freezer.
You've only got that little compartment. So, you'd better eat some of it.
- Scotty, do you want to take some? - I'll have the burgers.
Eat the food of a murderer. Oh, my God, look at the booze!
Did you find out about the rent? Jesus! What are we? Asda?
Look at the booze!
It's just a gesture.
How much are you on a year?
- Um... 50,000? - Fucking hell!
I'm on seven quid an hour. Dean's on 6.80.
And those are the hours that stop at three so don't expect me to be impressed.
- Did you find out about the rent? - Did you find that document?
- What's your e-mail? - I'll need the password.
- Can you AirDrop? - Yep.
Gimme.
Dean said your windows need fixing.
I'll board 'em up for tonight but I've got to go at six.
I work the night shift at Pito's.
How many jobs have you got?
Four. So, how did it end, with the dead man?
Did he say, ' "I'm gonna kill myself now'"?
No, just, ' "See you tomorrow.'"
If he'd told me, I could have helped. I could have called the police.
Now he's gone, I get left with all the guilt. I'm like another victim.
There. That's the only document we had off Roderick.
Oh, I asked him about rent books. He just laughed.
OK, cos I'm gonna need to know exactly who owns what.
This is just a list of specs.
I know, and you promised to sort it out.
Cos this rent is a miracle. There's got to be something wrong.
And I don't care if we're squatting,
but if he's money-laundering, I don't want to be anywhere near it.
You only pay 400 a month, though.
I know.
So, how could that be money-laundering? It's such a small amount.
That's not how money-laundering works, is it?
Is it?
That's up to you.
OK.
- You said you'd find out. - I will.
We're only letting you stay on that condition.
I'm delighted.
Good.
(CHUCKLES)
When I say no wanking, I mean it.
OK. Got you.
I really mean it, Henry. Not a single toss.
Be fair. I'm only human.
No, cos I know exactly how it works.
You'll go to bed tonight and wrap yourself up warm,
and your hand will sneak down into your middle-aged underpants,
and you'll think about this flat and me
and your nice TV,
and you'll imagine, '"One night, Dean will go out.
'"It'll just be me and Freddie watching TV.'"
OK, I promise...
I don't even watch TV. I'm not 35, for God's sake!
But you'll just imagine us, sitting there, all nice and cosy.
With alcohol. There's wine.
(SNIGGERS) You'd imagine wine,
red wine,
and I say...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
...'"Oh, this is so kind of you, Henry, buying all this stuff, '"
and you say...
(POSH ACCENT)... ' "It's just a gesture'"...
(SNORTS)... and then I stretch,
or, no, I spill my drink, or...
(SNIGGERS AND SIGHS)
...I strain a muscle in my thigh,
or... I know,
it's a massage.
You're like, ' "Let me give you a massage, '" and it's got to be shoulders.
Yes, that's brilliant, because then you have to stand behind me,
cos even in your own fantasy,
you make sure that I'm not looking at your 46-year-old face, yeah?
And I'm just going, '"Oh. Oh, my God, that feels so good.
'"Ah.
'"You're so experienced.
' "Henry. Oh, don't stop, please! Oh! '"
And you can imagine this,
in so much detail,
and you're in that bedroom wanking away
until the top of your little bald head pops off,
and I'm not having it, OK?
You're not casting me.
This face is mine. It's copyright to me.
It's not to be used for masturbation without my express permission,
and that permission you do not have, Mr Best.
Literally, do not wank, using me.
It is forbid...
And this is turning you on, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
You see!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Hello! I was just passing. Well, that's not true, but...
I'm kind of busy, OK? I'm working from home.
It says congratulations.
Although the ' "congratulations'" can be removed, if needs be.
It's on a plaque, made of icing. You can eat it. Is Henry in?
- No. - His car's still there.
Your family's so fucking clever, isn't it?
Anyway, I thought it was a bit odd when you didn't text back.
Not Henry. He's useless. But you always text back within 20 seconds.
(SHE SIGHS)
The thing is, he panics.
There you go, my sweetheart. Won't be long, OK? That's it.
If you ask Henry to paint the wall,
then the first thing he does is think of reasons why not.
Even if he wants to paint the wall. So, God help us with marriage.
Adam's in the car.
He got excluded, so he's grounded and offlined.
I can't leave him at home. He'll turn the router back on.
Tell your Uncle Lance what you did.
He went online, called the deputy headmaster a Nazi.
Well, good for you.
And he called him a big fat queer.
- LANCE: Not funny, Adam. - Sorry!
Oh, he got tested for diabetes last week.
Do you remember, he got all woozy in the yard? And I thought it was drugs.
Turns out everything's fine. They said it's just his age.
It's all hormones with you lot.
I'll go. Sorry. Is he upstairs?
Whatever he said, I apologise.
- But are you OK? - He said no.
We had a threesome. Henry called the police.
I got arrested, and now he's walked out.
(LANCE LAUGHS)
They let me off with a caution, which means I've got a police record, thank you.
Better than the other bloke.
Francesco. Real name, David. They charged him with assault.
How did you get home? You should have called me.
I got a taxi in my boxers.
It was all right in the end. The man said they were used to it.
- And he was just gone? - No note, nothing.
- Where do you think he is? - Cliff's?
He hates Cliff.
- You could always try his phone. - He's not answering.
No, you could track his phone.
Use that Find My Phone thing. It works like radar.
That's how Debs found out that Petra wasn't in Swindon.
- Do you know his password? - No.
Although... he always uses the same one.
He always uses hastings...
...or hastings1.
Hastings123.
- (COMPUTER BEEPS) - LANCE: There he is!
CLEO: Oh, my God! It works.
Hold on. That... that's your street.
- That's here. That's now. - He's at the end of the road.
No, no, no, no! I'll get out of your way.
What did I tell you, though? Fuss over nothing.
Excuse me. He's not just walking back in.
Oh, I know. Just have some of that cake. It's delicious.
Mum! Mum!
- (DOG BARKS) - You little fuck.
Thank you.
I'll have to say hello. I can't pretend I'm not here.
So, have you told me or not? Do I know?
You don't know everything.
It wasn't just the police. It went a lot deeper than that.
Why? What happened?
Bye, then, Cleo.
(ENGINE STARTS)
LANCE: You bastard!
- Whoo! - Henry!
(HENRY WHOOPS)
Ya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Oh, my goodness.
You want to know what happened?
Adam, what do you think?
Do you want to know what's really going on? Cos I'm gonna tell you.
All about your Uncle Henry, and his arse!
VERONICA: You're late. I thought you weren't coming in.
Well, I called Furnival's. No problem. I moved them to Monday at 4.30.
And we had a call from that man at Nickelodeon.
I need you to find something out.
I need to know, if you've been cautioned by the police,
say, for some offence or whatever, do you have to tell your employer?
I don't know. Why?
I do know, cos of that time with the man in Transport.
You don't have to tell 'em, no,
but it might be wise if you do, in case it makes the papers.
Oh, shit. How does it get into the papers?
Shit!
Oh! Good timing, boss. Just getting my arse out.
Yeah, that's funny. Listen, we were gonna have that drink.
Let's do it. Tonight OK? Any good?
- Uh... not really, no. - Why not?
We're all going for a Chinese
- with the front-of-house team. - What time?
- Eight o'clock. - OK, let's go for a drink at six, then.
How does that work?
Um... could do.
Doesn't give up, does he?
Yeah, tell you what, Phil. Shut the fuck up for once. How about that?
Right, six o'clock.
We'll go to Atlas on the corner. I'll see you there.
Excellent. Sorry, Phil.
- If you turned your bloody e-mail on... - It's Adam. He's offlined.
I need you to look something up. It's a warehouse in town.
I think it might be caught in some sort of dispute. It was being converted.
I don't handle commercial properties.
No, but you must know estate agents who do.
We're back online! Five minutes! Do not post anything!
(HENRY TYPES ON PHONE)
There. Sending.
It was being converted into flats, but then they stopped and no-one knows why.
And that's...
...all you've got to say for yourself? - Yep.
Molly! Give us a minute, OK?
You don't have to go. You can stay. How are you? How's things?
- They've been talking about you. - Er... thanks, Moll.
So, I haven't got long.
This property, it's the Calico Warehouse on Calico Lane.
M1. The conversion stopped round about 2008, I think.
- Where the hell are you staying? - With friends.
- Well, who? Is it Cliff? - Who'd stay with Cliff?
Well, I dunno. If I was hiding.
If I needed to be smuggled out of the country, I'd go to Cliff.
- And don't tell him about this. - I haven't.
Please don't. He'd love it.
Never mind Cliff. I'm back online. I can look up the word ' "intercrural'".
Er... I need a copy of this. Where's the printer?
- Adam. - Oh.
- That looks all right. - Knock-knock.
Sorry. Um... if I send you a document, can you print it off?
Course I can, yeah.
It's just two pages.
Er... no worries. Hold on.
- Oh, this is Beanie. - Hi there.
- We've met before. - Your mum's birthday.
Oh, yeah.
- How you doing? - Er... good, um...
- not bad. - (PRINTER WHIRRS)
I... I suppose you're wondering. That little, um... escapade.
We were just mucking about.
Uncle Lance said you never take it up the bum.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!
ADAM: He did.
He said you've been boyfriends for all these years but you've never bummed.
- Is that right? - Oh, no way, man! No, no! (LAUGHS)
Thanks, Adam.
I was only asking, cos I thought you liked bumming.
- BEANIE: Oh, man! - (BOTH LAUGH)
ADAM: I'll bum you in a minute!
- BEANIE: You're not bumming me! - ADAM: I bumming am!
(ADAM AND BEANIE LAUGH)
- He's never been bummed! - Never bummed!
- Yeah! - (LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
- Never been bummed! - (LAUGHTER)
It's not bad. It's better than a bedsit.
But if I am gonna settle down here properly,
I will start looking for a house.
I looked in Denton. The prices there aren't too bad.
You OK?
I seem to find myself single.
Right. Anything you can find.
Ownership. Legal status.
Any court actions. I need it for work.
- Do you want a cup of coffee? - No, thanks.
- Glass of wine? - Nope. Just the information.
Then I'll leave you alone.
(ADAM AND BEANIE LAUGH)
(COMPUTER BINGS)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
- Does this mean you're a virgin? - I'm not talking about it.
I am not talking about this. I'm really not talking about it, OK?
I mean, we had all sorts of problems. Daft things.
You know, like any couple. I promised I'd learn to swim. I never did.
- You can't swim? - I know.
You get all that racist shit about ' "black men can't swim'",
then you don't even bother?
- I know. - Talk about letting the side down, mate.
I've got worse than that, cos me and Henry, we never...
This is embarrassing, but... we never did it, really.
To each other. I mean, anal.
- Intercourse. - Shit.
- Too much detail? - I hardly know you.
Sorry.
You never fucked?
According to this website, you're called sides.
If you're not a top or a bottom, you're... you're a side.
But I'm glad. I mean, I thought there was something wrong, but it's not just you.
It's a thing. It's an established thing. There's thousands of you not doing it.
So, that's good, isn't it? I don't know. Isn't it?
So, you take it but he won't? He won't have it up his arse?
But at the same time, he won't put it up your arse either?
That's about it.
I was wrong. You're completely fucked.
(LAUGHS)
So, not with anybody, ever?
Not with Steven? Not with Leo? I thought you and Leo were at it like knives.
You did. You were. I was in the bedroom next door.
You were shagging away like billy-o. What were you doing?
When we met, he said, '"I don't fuck on the first night.'" Fair enough.
Next time, he said, '"I don't fuck till I really know someone.'"
And then, I suppose, months went by and he said, ' "I don't do it much.'"
Just not much. He didn't say never, and so he kept putting it off.
And I'm not a top, but I'll do it sometimes. I'd offer.
But he'd always be tired or sore or bad guts or whatever,
and I liked him, I really liked him.
I love him.
And so, every time I talked about it, he'd clam up.
So I stopped even mentioning it and here we are, nine years later.
CLEO: So, there's mutual masturbation?
And blow jobs, yeah? You... you've got to have oral sex, haven't you?
I mean, we do have sex. It's sex for me. It counts as sex.
We suck each other off.
Look, all right, you asked. We rim each other.
Not so much these days, but it's not completely out of bounds.
The thing I don't get is... you talk like you fuck, Henry.
Somebody bends over on TV and you're like, ' "Phwoar! '"
Like you want to go up him, literally up him, right there and then,
and you're like that all the time.
You've been like that for 30 years.
Cos if you don't want to fuck, that's fine,
and if you don't want to be fucked, that's fine,
but why do you pretend that you do?
The building.
It was owned by Shelling's. They went bust in 2011.
They're being sued by a company in Germany called Kurtz & Gain.
I don't know what for, but permission for the conversion has not been completed.
E-mail that to me.
Cos I've had nights without penetration.
Between the thighs or, you know, a tit wank.
Oh, my God.
If we're really being honest, sometimes I've got no choice.
I'd be getting off with girls in the old days
and they'd be like, ' "Whoa. No way. That's too big.'"
- Oh, right. - You get what I'm saying?
Yeah, right. Yeah, nice.
Thought you might have the same problem, you know, statistically.
Well, that's another racial stereotype.
But that's fine. I like that one. I'll buy it.
I didn't even realise till we had this detention once.
I must have been about 12 or 13.
There were six of us, the teacher went off, God knows where,
and we're all talking about stuff, you know, like sex.
- Oh, my God. You had a circle jerk. - We're talking about this lab assistant,
Angie, and I was so hard, like rock hard.
And I just went, ' "Sorry, boys, '" and I got it out, whack.
And the lads, they were like, ' "Jesus Christ, Danny! Look at that thing! '"
I mean, I didn't know.
They were like, '"You lucky bastard! Give us a go on that, then! '"
- And did you? - What?
Let them have a go?
- Why... why the fuck would I do that? - I don't know. You said...
They're my mates. I'm not gonna let 'em touch my knob.
- OK, sorry. - Jesus, though.
You lot, you... you think we're all begging for it.
That is genuinely offensive.
- I've gotta go. - I didn't really mean it.
I had to listen to all your shit.
Then I tell you something private and you just go and... queer it.
- Whatever. See you at work. - Yeah, sorry.
OK.
- Bye, then. - I could teach you to swim.
- Really? - Yeah, if you want.
Nah, it's all right.
You want to learn to swim, who's the expert?
Here's my number. I will find out days and times. No worries.
But be warned, it does get physical.
I don't want you getting all excited in front of me.
You better strap that whopper down, mate.
Come here. Mwah!
Hello?
I'm back.
It's me.
I'm back.
(SNIFFS)
(* KAISER CHIEFS: Na Na Na Na Na)
*It does not shift me
*It's not the kind of thing that I like
* Na na na na naa
* Na na na na naa... *
(TEXT ALERT)
(DISTANT SIREN WAILS)
* Na na na na naa... *
(MUSIC PLAYS)
(TEXT ALERT)
*... She's not the kind of girl... *
- (SIREN WAILS) - (WHISPERS) Shut up.
(SIGHS)
(MUSIC PLAYS)
* Feels real good and I know you love me
* Like you...
(HIGH-PITCHED) *... Should...
* Oh, you make me feel
* Mighty real
* You make me feel
* Mighty real... *
(* HEATWAVE: Boogie Nights)
- Ah, he's so embarrassed. - He shouldn't be late, then.
Right, see you later, then. Thanks, Dad!
What's the matter with Irene? You'd think I killed someone.
She's coming in this afternoon.
Mrs Merchandani. The widow Merchandani.
She's coming here. She's coming into work. She wants to see us.
She wants to see you and me. She named us.
HR said we've got to be there. Oh, my God, Henry!
What's wrong with her?
She should be grieving, she should be sitting at home, crying her eyes out.
Let's face it, he was nuts. He wasn't well.
He had five months off last year. Even Mr Rose said his work was eccentric.
Do you think they've buried him yet?
I don't know. I'm looking. Is it fast, with Hindus?
I think it is. It's that hot-countries thing.
But he's a suicide. He'd still be in the morgue.
Oh, shit. It's bad enough being dead, but he's even worse. He's blasphemous.
We'll have to apologise.
I'm not apologising.
What for?
Obviously, we'll do anything we can to help.
And I... I know that sounds like a... an empty offer,
but there really are things we can do.
Even just helping with childcare, transport.
Or lending a hand with shopping. I... I mean it. Anything at all.
Mrs Merchandani wishes me to express her gratitude.
So many kind words and tributes. They have been a great consolation.
Now, as requested, I've asked Mr Best and Mrs Kingston to join us.
I'm sure we'd all like the chance to... clear the air.
Yeah, can I... I just want to say how sorry I am.
And I mean that. I can't say it enough. I'm so sorry.
I mean, our involvement was...
Not that we were involved directly.
But we made a mistake. He was a lovely man. I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
- And Henry, I'm sure you'd, er... - Yes, I'm very sorry for your loss.
I wish I'd spent more time with him.
But, er... you know, things get busy and, er... I could have made more effort.
I'm sorry about that. I... apologise.
Thank you.
He liked... football, didn't he?
Yes, he did.
I don't follow it myself, but, er... Southampton, is that right?
They... they got promoted a while back?
We have family in Southampton.
He was very happy that day.
MR BHOSE: I think, given the unfortunate events of that night,
my client simply wishes to ask about the timeline.
Who said what, when. Just for clarification.
Of course. That makes sense.
- Shoona? Would you... - (CLEARS THROAT) Yes, thank you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I know this is difficult,
but, um... we've established the events of the afternoon,
when you gave that file to my husband, Mr Best.
I think you could argue that he took it with the intent to steal,
and, um... I'm sorry for that.
And then, that night, he attempted to contact you?
That's right.
But there doesn't seem to be any mention of your meeting that afternoon.
My meeting with him?
Yes, that's right.
That, um... that same afternoon? I... I don't know. I... I saw him in the car park.
He said that you had a conversation on the staircase.
Um... on the stairwell at the back of the Norton Building that leads to, um...
I forget the name. I am sorry.
- West Bridle Street? - Yes, that's right.
I'm sorry. I don't understand. What conversation?
The conversation you had with my husband.
N-No, not that day.
Er... then perhaps you can explain.
Sunil said that you met him on the stairs and that you accused him of being a thief
- and he denied it... - No, that didn't happen.
- If we could just finish? - But it didn't happen.
Henry. Thanks.
He said that you were angry and that's understandable.
He said he offered to sit with you, have a cup of tea, coffee,
but you said, '"I'm not sitting down with a filthy Paki thief.'"
- I did not. - He said, ' "That's not fair, '"
and you said, '"I'm going to get you sacked, you stupid thieving turban.'"
I did not! No, you can't write that down! I never said it!
- Henry, if you could just wait... - No, I'm not having this.
I'm not having it. Don't even try it! Listen, my own boyfriend's black!
Oh, yes, the boyfriend's relevant too,
because Mr Best accused my husband of being an ugly, retarded breeder.
We did not know what that word meant,
until someone told us that that's a derogatory term
that homosexuals use to refer to heterosexuals.
Mr Best called my husband a breeder. He called him Apu.
He called him Mowgli,
and then when my husband was very upset,
Mr Best told him to shove a poppadom in his mouth
and fuck off back where he came from.
That's what he said.
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh.
- You should have taken me in. - Fat lot of good the unions are.
- She's making it up. - I can't comment on that.
Oh, thank God I've got your support! She's brilliant, though. First class.
Playing the race card. No, that sticks. It sticks for life.
Well, I'm not taking it. I'll sue. I'll sue her lying arse off.
She's a widow and eight months pregnant.
I don't think it's the right time for legal action.
You should have used a different room.
What's the room got to do with it?
BOB: You don't have tables for a confrontation.
You have open plan. You should have called me.
They're suspending you with immediate effect, without pay.
But she's lying.
Not you, Katrina. You're fine.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)
(PHONE TOOTS)
(TEXT ALERT)
(* AL WILSON: The Snake)
*I'll take you in and I'll take care of you
* Take me in, oh, tender woman
* Take me in, for heaven's sake
* Take me in, tender woman
* Sighed the snake... *
DEAN: Mr Best?
They said you've been sacked. They said you got kicked out for murder.
This is him! He killed that man and they sacked him.
I know it's very sad and all that,
but we thought we'd drink your booze before you took it away.
We asked your solicitor and he said you wouldn't mind.
- My solicitor? - He said, ' "I'll have one. Drink up.'"
What do you mean, my solicitor?
Cliff.
Henry! This fine young man's called Samson,
and he was just showing me his tattoo of the Sacré Coeur.
Isn't it magnificent?
How did you get here?
Oh, I... I was just saying to Freddie...
I've met all your flatmates. It's great.
Cliff's been very generous.
CLIFF: But your sister phoned.
She was checking out the court actions on this address on your behalf,
and when I asked her why, she was being a bit shifty.
So, I phoned you at work and they said you were unavailable
so I just bluffed it and I said, ' "I'm his solicitor! Put me through!"
He's not really my solicitor. He just did my house about eight years ago.
CLIFF: And then they said they were gonna pass me through to Legal,
and I said, ' "Why? '" and they said because you've been suspended,
and I said, '"Yes, '" I said, '"I know!
' "It's outrageous! How dare you? '" I didn't have a fucking clue.
That's brilliant.
But then they said you'd left a forwarding address. Well, look at that.
The Calico Warehouse. Hello!
HENRY: Do you know what I love about the modern world?
Everyone knows every fucking thing.
Oh, Jesus, Cliff!
CLIFF: You've had a time, haven't you?
- Yeah. - Hm.
I'm not going home. I said to Lance, I'm not ready. It's just dinner.
He's booked that Saisons at the Ramsay. Do you know it?
- Christ, I want to fuck that Freddie. - I know.
I mean, bend him over and fuck that arse all night long.
Can you imagine his face when he comes?
Should you be drinking?
Oh, it's just the one. Oh, you've got it so right, Henry.
Leave your boring boyfriend for that hot, fit fucker. It's inspired!
It's not like that, not really. I'm not sleeping with him.
Oh, I know you're not.
He's only 24. It'd be ridiculous.
Not for me.
Right. Time to go.
Where are you parked? I'll walk you there.
We can leave them to it, the young things. They don't need us.
Mr B, can you still afford those windows?
Cos Scotty said a cheque's OK but she had to put down 100 quid in cash.
Can you pay her back? Like now?
Erm... er... of course, yeah.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
This is Meatballs.
- Hiya. - Hi.
And this lot, this is my family. This is, like, my real family.
That's Violet and Sian, and Sian's mum, Vanessa. She's a lesbian too.
- God knows what went on in that house. - VANESSA: I'm telling you.
The whole street was bent. The boy next door, he's a woman called Gala now.
- DEAN: Like gala pie? - VANESSA: That's what I said.
But does she listen? Gala Pie Jones.
Scotty works for Vanessa.
I run a cleaner's. We do all the city centre flats.
High-end, Coronation Street and all that.
Scrubbers to the stars, that's us.
Thanks. I've got the Sunday morning shift.
VANESSA: We do police work too, all the deep-cleaning at murder scenes.
You're keeping us in business!
Dean said you were sorting out the rent, cos we've got the flat around the corner.
It's a third of this size but we still pay Roderick 400 quid.
- The whole thing's weird. - Did you really kill that man?
As a matter of fact, if you know anything about Hinduism,
you'll know that suicide is a violation of the ahimsa.
So, if I let his widow think it's murder, that's better. It's a better death.
She can think I killed him so his soul can rest in peace,
which means I'm being very, very kind
and, frankly, I'm still waiting for someone to say thank you.
Knock-knock. Cliff, let's go.
Freddie was just saying he was training to be an architect.
Brilliant. Architect and chef.
- He's like a renaissance man. - What makes you think I'm a chef?
It's a cook-chill kitchen. All we do is heat things up.
So, what happened with the architecture?
Got chucked out. It was my own fault. I was too busy getting pissed.
Anyway, we're off.
- I'm gonna stay. - No, come on. We can go together.
No, you're gonna be late. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
Freddie can look after me.
Off you go, Henry. Turn around. Bye-bye.
- I can help you with the stairs. - Oh, just shut up and go.
All right, then. Remember what I said, be careful with that drink.
Cliff's got a bit of a problem. Big problem, really. Lifelong problem.
And you watch out, Freddie. Cliff said he's dying to see your come face.
FREDDIE: Oh!
Good luck.
(TEXT ALERT)
Cheers.
(PHONE SENDS MESSAGE)
Oh. I asked. They haven't got a table.
I tried your name and my name. We're not there.
Well, that's because I booked a room.
Oh, I'm in so much trouble at work.
Good.
(DOOR SHUTS)
(HENRY GASPS)
How much does this cost? Is it on the joint account?
No, I'm paying.
- Does that include breakfast? - Depends if we're staying.
I'll stay. You can go home.
(LANCE SNORTS)
You're so scared.
We could just skip this bit. We could, though, really.
Cos two weeks' time, you and me, we'll just be sitting at home watching TV.
We could cut out all this shit in the middle and go home. I'm tired.
- That'd be nice. - Yeah.
LANCE: I just don't know if I can live with it any more.
Your shame.
(TEXT ALERT)
- Oh, come on. - No, it might be important.
- Turn it off. - I can't. I've got this... work thing.
(TEXTING)
LANCE: Finished?
- Shall we order some food? - Dunno. You hungry?
- You know what I say about hotel burgers. - They're always brilliant.
(CHUCKLES)
So, where are you staying?
- Oh, people from work. - Who?
Er... a bloke called Fred. Right Said Fred. He's got a spare room.
Did you have to tell everyone?
I don't know, Henry. You tell me. Tell me about it. What is there to tell?
Look, I'm not saying a good fuck is the solution.
Then again, it might be magnificent.
It might be the hallelujah fucking chorus for some of us.
But that doesn't matter.
It doesn't. It really doesn't.
What does matter? I asked you to marry me, and you said no.
(TEXT ALERT)
- Oh, so it's all right for you? - You started it.
Huh.
(CHUCKLES) Fucking telephones.
- Who was it? - Work.
- This time of night? - You've had a call.
I work in insurance. What's happened with you? Has a fish gone missing?
Anyway, if it helps, I know why you turned me down.
- OK. - Thing is, you love me.
Like it or not, that's a fact. I'm not worried about that.
The problem is, we've had all these years together
but you still keep hoping someone better might come along.
I'd see it happen, you know. Every couple of years, you get a crush on someone.
It comes and goes like the tide. There was that Enzo.
I just worked with him!
Yeah, it was the way you said his name.
And then it passed. Nothing happened, never does.
It came, it went, it's fine.
I could have an affair if I wanted one.
Yeah, you could have someone else to not fuck.
Listen, I'm not complaining. Honestly, I'm not.
You flirt, you get obsessed, and then you always come home.
I bet you, even now, if I was to do that Henry test on your phone,
I'd find some man, some funny little text, a nudge, a wink,
someone you keep on the boil, just in case.
- Am I right? - And your phone is spotless?
Nothing to hide. I never have.
Is that so? Right now? Tonight? Really?
All right, then, if you're so certain of everything,
- let's do it, you and me. The Henry test. - OK.
- Give me your phone. - And I can test yours?
Yup. All I've got is some stupid little text from Cliff.
And I've got this swimmer thing. It's a promotion.
Let's have a look.
I leave you alone for one night and ' "Daniel'" is sending you cock shots.
It's work. He's a diver. He swims. Why's Cliff saying ' "home, sweet home'"?
I don't know. Ask Cliff.
- You've never mentioned a Daniel. - He's new.
So, you don't even know him and he sends you this?
It's like a poster thing for work, that's all. Who's the boy?
(SCOFFS) How should I know?
All right, then. Cliff always puts his photos up on Facebook.
No, no, no. The test is only for texts. Give it back. Give it back!
OK, then. I'm friends with Cliff, technically. Let's see.
You failed the test. That's one-nil to me.
Now what are we doing? Are we... are we eating? Are we getting a burger?
- Lance? What are we doing? - You're staying with Fred?
Yes.
- And Cliff's tagged Freddie Baxter. - So?
It says ' "Cliff and Freddie at Henry's'".
But when you go to Freddie Baxter's page, it says Freddie's place.
Well, that's Cliff. He's just... just... just a cunt.
- So, Fred is Freddie? - Yes, he works at Clement's, yeah.
And he's tagged Dean. Dean Monroe. There's always a Dean.
Dean works in the mail room.
So, let me get this right.
The people you're staying with, these are their children?
No. There's Freddie. He's gay.
There's Dean. He's gay.
And there's me. I'm gay too.
And we all live together in a... in a great big gay house, being gay!
Oh, you're ridiculous. Jesus Christ, Henry! What are you doing?
I'm not sleeping with them.
I know. You never do. You don't even sleep with me!
Do you know what, Lance?
If you know me so well, do you know what I really think?
Do you know what I think all day long, every single day,
right down deep in my heart?
I think there's got to be one more cock! Out there!
Just one more cock for me, and I'm in danger of missing it!
And I love you, Lance. I do. You're very nice.
I appreciate that. Thank you. But do you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna go out there and find it.
So, I'm not gonna marry you. No, I'm not gonna settle down.
I'm gonna go and find myself one more cock,
and do you know what you're gonna do? You will wait.
- I'll do what? - You'll wait for me.
I will not!
You'll wait for me whether you like it or not, because that's who you are, Lance.
You're a very nice man who waits.
So, I'll go off in search of cock!
It'll probably be disastrous and right now that feels fantastic.
And that's Freddie Baxter's cock? Freddie, birthday 13th March 1990?
You're the one who keeps telling me to have proper sex. So, watch me try!
You're 46 years old. He is never gonna have sex with you.
He is never, ever, ever going to have sex with you, never!
I know that. But do you know what I also know?
I know that if I stand next to the most beautiful boy in the world,
then one day, if I stand there for a thousand years,
then one day, he will be drunk or blind or bored or bereaved or maybe just kind.
Maybe one day he will be kind to me and I will be lucky. Just once.
And you'd chuck everything away for a chance that'll never happen?
- Yes. - Get out of my room.
Shall I send up Daniel?
Fuck off!
(PHONE BLOOPS)
(SIGHS)
(SHOUTING OUTSIDE)
(SHOUTING OUTSIDE)
- (DOOR CREAKS) - (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Cliff still here?
He's in bed.
Your bed?
I fucked him(!)
Don't be stupid.
You OK?
I had a disaster.
(WHISPERS) It's never gonna happen.
(WHISPERS) What?
(WAISTBAND SNAPS BACK)
I can't help thinking, if I wait long enough, then...
...one day, you might come home and you might be drunk or bored
or... kind.
Or maybe you'll finally want that massage...
...and for once in my life, I'll get lucky.
I know it's never gonna happen. But...
...but it's possible.
You've got to admit, it's possible, isn't it?
(WHISPERS) Just once.
Yeah.
- (DOOR SHUTS) - Yes!
* You make me feel
* Mighty real
* You make me feel
* Mighty real
* When we get home, darling And it's nice and dark
* And the music's in me and I'm still real hot
* Then you kiss me there and it feels real good
* And I know you'll love me
* Like you should
* Oh, you make me feel
* Mighty real. *