Creature Comforts (2003–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Being a Bird - full transcript

-I'd like to be a bird.
-Something like an Andean condor.

-Lots of space, sort of-- -Big
birds of prey or something like that.

Soaring above the mountains
and just looking down...

and looking for your dinner.

A nice big albatross.

Knowing my luck, I'll be
reincarnated as a sparrow.

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And birds go...

And they go...

I like to put food out for them.

-Bread or nuts.
-Especially in the winter...



'cause you see
them in the trees...

and they're sort of looking a
bit non-plussed, aren't they?

But I put one of those
peanut things out recently...

thinking I was doing
them a good turn.

It was, like, ten weeks later...

there was no visible sign of any
nut disappearing and I thought:

"What's this all about?"

-I don't know, maybe l--
-Had you opened the bag?

You don't open the bag, do you?

They're supposed to go
through the bag, aren't they?

Yeah, I don't think "bland"
comes into our eating.

We are definitely,
what would you say...

gourmets or gourmands,
whichever word it is.

We like to indulge and
enjoy the food really.



And I think probably there's
a good variety in what we eat.

Thai, lndian, Chinese...

French, ltalian.

-Yeah, whatever.
-Traditional British.

-As long as it tastes good, I'll eat it, really.
-And the best of all, of course, is duck.

The only thing you can do
is not to make eye contact.

As soon as you make
eye contact, it just has you.

I think it's 'cause you're easy
prey. You're a nice little bit of meat.

"Nice and small. I guess I'll
whip him, whip him round."

Perhaps that's what they do.

Think "He's quite
vulnerable, I'll have this one."

When you're up a tree...

you're head and shoulders
above all the buildings...

you can see the
contours of the land.

There's something
immensely liberating about that.

It's real freedom to
be up there in the wind.

How do birds stay up in the air?

It's all to do with
aerodynamics...

and that's far too complicated
for me to go into now.

Some things aren't worth
thinking about, are they like that?

-Not all birds stay up in the air, do they?
-No, they don't.

If you dropped an
emu out of an aircraft...

-it wouldn't stay in the air would it?
-No.

The first time I flew
myself I was scared silly.

But, quickly,
started to enjoy it.

It's not short of hard work.

Every single day, something
new, something different.

Gotta keep learning.

Birds stay in the
air through magic.

There's all these
scientists and naturalists...

who think they've got it
sussed, but it's all magic.

You think it's Peter
Pan, do you, lan?

They have a happy core.
Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, birds are happy.
That's why they can fly.

It's brilliant. When you're
flying down the M6...

truckers flash their lights
when they see you. It's great.

There's no better feeling, I
think. It's really free, that's good.

It's a wonderful feeling. Yeah.

You gotta limber up,
you gotta loosen up.

You gotta get all...

You gotta warm it
up before you let rip.

Yes, I've never flown...

except, I have jumped.

I'm very brave at some things.

I don't like to take off, I
don't like to land, do l?

Me, personally I
do like taking off...

the pull of it, like, when
you actually take off.

Yeah, I do enjoy
that sort of thing.

The taking off, the surge,
acceleration, noise, shaking.

And then once you're airborne
and everything's stabilized...

perfectly all right. Obviously,
turbulence isn't much fun...

but it's not usually
anything to worry about.

I've never flown in really bad
weather or had a bad experience.

If you've got that flying bug, then,
I don't think you really lose that.

It doesn't matter how many
times you take off into dawn...

-or landing at sunset.
-Yeah.

It's just a special thing.

I've got the best sense of direction.
Anne's got no sense of direction.

-None at all. Have you, Anne?
-No, definitely not.

I haven't got a
clue on direction.

How to get there, how to get
back. No, I haven't got a clue.

I could probably lose
her round the block.

She won't be able to
get back, definitely not.

Would we say we've got a good sense of
direction? I mean, we're blokes aren't we?

Of course, we don't have to
stop and ask for directions ever.

-You never get lost, do you?
-I've never been lost at all in my life.

I've been temporarily misplaced
from time to time, but never actually lost.

So I'd say I've got a pretty
good sense of direction as well.

Without landmarks, I'm lost.

Without landmarks,
I really am useless.

And you take a right
and it's down there.

Myself, personally, I don't like
flying 'cause I don't like heights.

But we've never actually ever
been on, what I call, a long flight. No.

-It's been four hours at the most, hasn't it?
-Yeah.

How I'd fare on a seven or
eleven-hour flight, I just do not know.

No, I don't think I'd handle it very
well at all, to be honest with you.

Pigeons are vermin, man.

-Sky rats is what I call pigeons.
-I know, man.

What we need is a few more
peregrine falcons round London.

-Or sparrow hawks.
-Sort them out, you know what I mean.

But it's getting smaller and
smaller, the areas we can go to.

Yeah, it would be great just to be able
to wrought down London's high street.

Check me out, everybody,
I'm coming past your window.

That would be cool.

It's not the fear of flying.
It's the fear of crashing.

People say they're frightened
of flying, but they're not.

They're frightened of dying.

Funnily enough, I've only actually
been flying about four times in my life.

The last time I went to ltaly in
May, and I felt fine. I got over it.

I realized it was
an irrational fear.

But before that, it really
was like a white-knuckle ride.

To be honest with you, I do
have quite a few fears and phobias.

I don't like heights either.

But flying was a bad one for me
for a while. But I'm fine with it now.

I don't think I've got fear of heights.
Maybe a fear of falling from a great height.

Being up on a high place
doesn't give me the shivers.

Other things do...

but not heights.

Yeah, I've not got a
problem with heights at all.

I actually fell through a couple of skylights
on roofs, one at Bath Road at Brislington.

I actually fell through the skylight and
dropped through into the kitchen area.

They weren't very happy though.
Not for the fact that I cut all my legs.

It was for the fact that I
had ruined all the dinner.

Yes, he'd had a bad
accident about two years ago.

Flying once, sort of crashed
into the ground, didn't you?

Shit.

It was quite a turbulent day...

and I started spinning...

and I saw the ground coming up.

I was going to
crash near people...

-and broke my pelvis.
-Nasty.

Pelvis broke off and came
up and hit the first three ribs.

-Did the ribs break as well?
-They did.

-The pelvis broke the ribs?
-Yeah.

-Lucky you didn't hit your head though.
-Yeah.

Actually I find that one of the
most relaxing sounds there is...

-birds singing. -Yeah, lovely.