Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - I Need Some Balance - full transcript

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

- I had sex with your dad.
- What?

And I was in a really low place, like,

the lowest place I've
ever been in my life.

I can't believe that
happened. Why did you do that?

Bert is in charge, and that's that.

I'm enjoying it so much around here.

I've just made a few changes.

Maybe I can find you some good people.

A match.

Check it out.

Oh, my God, that's Jason.

I've been on a date with this guy.

I still have this guy's number.

Maybe I'll text him back.

I am going to get you out of here.

Probably be able to do it

before you do Cats.

I would never do Cats.

- We should do Cats. -
Yeah. - Let's do Cats.

Delightful. Who cares
if there's no plot?

♪ Meet Rebecca ♪

♪ She's the coolest
girl in the world, wait ♪

♪ Wrong Rebecca ♪

♪ It's this one over here ♪

♪ She's spunky, she's
sweet, a generous friend ♪

♪ Oh, but there she
looks kind of mean ♪

- Hmm.
- ♪ Okay, she's snarky ♪

♪ Sarcastic and a... What? ♪

♪ You know, we're not really
seeing a common theme ♪

♪ Meet Rebecca ♪

♪ She's too hard to summarize ♪

♪ So let's go back
to Other Rebecca. ♪

I'm dating my uncle.


- There it is.
- _

"Woman Demands Three
Simultaneous Partners,

As Is Her Right."

Classic SheSmash title.

I will see you all at the
same time, in my chambers.

Do I have your consent?

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. She's gonna get it,

from three men at the same
time... as is her right.

I sentence you to pleasure,
with no chance of early release.

Oh, yeah.

Your Honor, it would be my honor

to get you off for good behavior.

Let's review my penal code.

Motion to proceed with my motion.

Ooh, yeah. Ooh, this is gonna be great.

You've broken up with me
too many times. I'm done.

I'm your ex-fiancé/roommate.

And you stalked me.

We could never be anything.

You slept with my dad.

There's no coming back from that.

Okay, too complicated to
fantasize about these guys.

Should've clicked on
lesbian sleepover instead.


Tonight, on KPUX...

... feral cats are swarming
the San Gabriel Valley.

They look cute, but can
be lethal. What you can do

to protect your loved ones
and domesticated animals

from these ferocious
felines, tonight at 10:00.

I hate cats.

Both the animal and the musical.

This was a bust.

♪ ♪

♪ When day is night ♪

♪ And night is not day ♪

♪ That's when the
cats come out to play ♪

♪ Yes, we are the feral cats ♪

♪ Roaming West Covina's streets ♪

♪ Singing songs about ourselves ♪

♪ Over early '80s Broadway beats ♪

♪ I am the Hungry Cat ♪

♪ I haven't eaten in months ♪

♪ I'm roaming through the streets ♪

♪ Looking for something to munch ♪

♪ I'm filled with desire ♪

♪ I need to be fed ♪

♪ Don't be mad if you find crumbs ♪

♪ 'Cause I like to eat in bed ♪

♪ I'm a lonely little kitty ♪

♪ Stroke my fur, it's soft as silk ♪

♪ Then bring me what I really want ♪

♪ A saucer of your milk ♪

♪ It's nibble time, Mister ♪

♪ We don't need to chase or chat ♪

♪ My cavity needs filling ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the Hungry ♪

♪ Cat. ♪

That was so weird.

What did that mean?

I think you know.

Oh, I need to get laid.


Hey, thanks for letting me

crash at your place
while I figure things out.

It's a little awkward between
me and my dad right now.

Mm, yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.

He slept with your ex-girlfriend.

It's probably a little complicated.

- Yeah.
- Lt happens, I guess?

No, it does not happen.
People's dads do not go to bars

and take their son's ex-girlfriend

to their 50-and-over
retirement community...

Okay, no details, please. I
don't like thinking about it.

I'm trying hard to take the high road.

I mean, intellectually, I
understand how it happened.

My dad and Rebecca were
both at their lowest point.

I mean, she tried to commit
suicide and he hasn't had

a drink since, but I
just can't get past it.

It's super gross and upsetting.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, at least you only
have to get past it with him.

You and Rebecca, that ship
has sailed and sunk, right?

- Right, right, right. Yeah, obviously.
- You know what?

You should do what I
always do if I'm feeling sad

or happy or confused or tired...

- Work out?
- Yeah. How did you know that?

Uh, cause you work out constantly,

and when you stir your coffee,

about 80 different muscles ripple.

Oh, thank you. Feels amazing.

I can only imagine how good it looks.

You know what? You want to
work out, I will hook you up.

I can get you a free
one-month pass at my gym.

Hmm. Not that generous an offer.

There's literally a stack of
one-month passes on the bar.

You saw those.

You know, spinning is the most

efficient way to get in shape.

It can burn up to a
thousand calories per class.

That's why I'm taking two classes a day.

Two classes a day?
That's a little extreme.

Even I don't do two classes
a day and look at me.

I mean, look at me,
I'm so good at spinning.

I'm trying to tone up to get
naked in front of strangers.

- What?
- I got to get laid

by someone I haven't laid already.

I got to stop thinking about my exes,

move on from those same three people.

Yeah, you need someone new.

But please don't sleep
with my dad, Rebecca.


Seriously. I need you to say it.

Okay, I won't sleep with Jorge.

Even though he does have

kind eyes and a beautiful corazón.

I'm kidding.

God, I'm so sweaty.

Well, maybe that's because you work out

in those cheap-ass heat-trapping
synthetic leggings?

Well, you know what?
Spinning's expensive,

and I've had a significant
downgrade in income recently.

Lawyer to pretzel maker.

- Mm.
- So I have to compromise.

I got these babies
three for five dollars.

Anyway, back to sexy time.

So I have the perfect clean
slate sex candidate in mind:

You remember that guy Jason?

- I talked about him in New York?
- The one who

canceled on you last minute?
That "I'm sick" excuse

was clearly a lie.

That's what I thought, too, but then,

he's actually been texting me,

- to try to prove he was sick.
Look at this picture. - Ooh.

Is that a selfie of him barfing?

Yes. Yes, it is. And also,

he sent me this one.

Oh! That is several photos

of him pooping in a public trash can.

He was trying to prove to
me that he wasn't lying.

And when he sent me these pictures,

he said "the proof is in the pudding."

That's cute, right?

We are such very, very different people.


Jason, you are nice, and single,

and I know from our first date
with him a couple years ago

that he's not a murderer.

And that's what I'm
looking for right now...

not my exes, not a murderer.

Okay. Let's go.

You know what? Actually, I'm
gonna stay for the next class.

You know, these thighs are
not gonna un-jiggle themselves.

So watch out, Valencia.

Rebecca's getting her mojo back.


- Bye.
- Bye.

It's always hard to
get the feet in right.

Oh, hello.

♪ ♪

Hey, all. Guess who's back!

Whoa. Why is the
conference table out here?

What happened? What, did some
millennial start-up take over?

Where is everyone?

Oh, a party for me. Oh,
you guys are too much.

What a bunch of cuties.

Aww, you guys...

- Hey. - Hey.
- How's the baby?

- Welcome back.
- Oh, she's good.

Oh, look at all this.

This is so nice. For me?

- Well...
- Um, actually...

What's different about you?

Why do you look weaker?

Oh, I know, it's your
'stache. It's gone.


Huh. Aww.

I'm growing it back.

I just had a little
barbecue saucemergency.

Or is it a barbecue saucetastrophe?

- You mean a saucepocalypse?
- Mm-hmm.

- Shut your peach fuzz face,
he's coming. - Oh!

- Who's coming?
- Shh!

Happy Bert-day!

Wow! Oh, my God.

What? Bert-day? It's birthday.

No, it's Bert-day.

Why do you keep saying it
like that? Are you a baby?

No. And Bert-day is a party to
celebrate Bert's work-a-versary.

How nice for Bert.

Wow. And look at that
lustrous facial hair.

Where'd you get that idea?

From you, of course.

Darryl, we are so happy to see you.

I wish you would have told us
that you were coming back today.

We would've planned something.


- that's so...
- Oh, you guys, before I forget,

since we have the new conference
table, the old conference room

is now gonna be the ping-pong room.


You got us something on your day?

The man just doesn't stop giving.

- Yeah, it's fun.
- Well, happy Bert-day.

- Yeah, happy Bert-day.
- Bert...

Oh! Come on, you guys.

- Oh. Sorry.
- This is so sweet of you.

You have a good day back?

I'm nice now. I don't
know if you heard that.

It's a bummer you came on Bert-day.

Yeah, I wish I had known.

Kind of disappointing. But I'm okay.

All right. Glad to hear it.

I'm sorry, I got to
run. I'm off to the gym.

Did we do it? Do I need to
keep talking to you here?

I'm still adjusting to this whole

being interested in others thing.

- No, I'm fine.
- Okay.

- I'm fine.
- All right. Okay.

Enjoy the rest of Bert-day.

Sorry. Reflex.

All right, man, all right.

- Here we go. - Okay. So I just
pick these up and put them down

and pick these up and put them
down, and that's how it works?

No sarcasm. Greg. It's a gym.

No one will understand
what you're saying.


All right. I'm glad you
took me up on my offer.

The gym is a drama-free zone,
so you're not gonna have to

think about your dad or about Rebecca

or your dad with Rebecca...
Quick question...

was the oxygen tank near the bed...

Don't answer that,
don't know why I asked.

I'll see you at home.
Have fun, don't get hurt.

Okay, well, unless I find out

you also slept with my dad, I'm fine.

Oh, no. You heard?

- Go away. Get out of here.
- All right. See you later.

Wait, no way.

You like Space Jam? I
loved Space Jam as a kid.

Oh, I love it, too. MJ was my hero.

In elementary school, I wore
a Bulls hat every single day.

He's the greatest player
of all time. Sorry, LeBron.

Yeah, I don't care about
basketball, but I had

such a crush on Marvin the Martian.

I mean, a man who wears a skirt?

Ugh, so secure, such a turn-on.

You are such a weirdo.

I'm the weirdo, trash can pooper?

Hey, I got applause.
There were a lot of people

on the street that day.

Are-are you okay? What's wrong?

♪ ♪

♪ You thought you were done ♪

♪ With our whispered cat verse ♪

♪ But we're not done with you ♪

♪ Now grab your purse. ♪

I just got to grab my purse and go
to the bathroom. I'll be right back.


Oh, oh, no...

Oh, my God, what is wrong with me?

Oh, you know what it is.

Miss, can you spare a paw?

You wore those cheap
suffocating workout pants

and made a cozy
cul-de-sac for some yeast.

Yeast? No, no, no, no.

Not tonight, not tonight. Please.

♪ ♪

♪ If you haven't guessed,
I'm the Itchy Cat ♪

♪ Need aloe or some Monistat ♪

♪ Otherwise I'll
stay and Moni-scat ♪

♪ Scabbadoo, babadoo, skeedlelee ♪

♪ Scratchy, scratchy
scatty scratch ♪

♪ You wore those cheap,
old shoddy pants ♪

♪ Now I'm doing an
experimental itchy dance ♪

♪ I have to hide myself away ♪

♪ This feline can't
come out to play ♪

♪ So get me some
lotion potion stat ♪

♪ To scratch this
scratchy scatty cat ♪

♪ This itchy scratchy scatty cat ♪

♪ Get that dissolving
egg that runs ♪

♪ Down your leg so I can stop ♪

♪ Being the Itchy Cat. ♪

Go away, Itchy Cat. Scram!

Stop ruining my vagina
like you ruined musicals!

Thank you.

Oh, but I want to have sex.

This sucks more than the song
about what makes a Jellicle cat

and then it just goes on to
describe literally any cat.

You need the 40s?

Oh, no, I'm not gonna need
those because I can't lift them

'cause they're too heavy.

You just getting back into it?

Uh, yeah, I used to be way
into gym, but only gym class,

and only on badminton day.

Well, good on you for,
uh, hitting the gym again.

You know what they say.

The road to fitness
is one pound at a time.

Hmm. But don't use
the one-pound weights.

You'll embarrass yourself.

- I'm Nathaniel.
- Oh. Greg.

- That's gross.
- Yeah, sweaty.

- Why did we do that?
- I'm not sure.

All right.


I'm so sorry. While I was in there,

I checked my calendar
and I totally forgot

that I have a business trip tomorrow

and my flight leaves

uh, super early.

Huh. What kind of business trip

do you have in the pretzel biz?

I got to go see my salt man... in Idaho.


Yeah, well, 'cause of the potatoes.

That's also where a
lot of salt is centered.

Oh. I get it.

Oh, no. I know it seems like I'm lying.

- It does. It really, really does.
- I'm really not, though.

Look, um... three days. Just,

let's set another date in three days.

I'm sure that's all it'll take

to clear up my... my salty
business. Sound good?

- Great. It's a date.
- Great.

Hey, Maya.

How you doin', girl?

Oh, you know me, Just living.

What do you say we
hit Spice Girls karaoke

this Saturday?

I finally memorized
the rap in "Wannabe."

I just listened to it
while I was sleeping.

Oh, D-Money, this Saturday?

What, are you busy?


I got that Rioja from "Ethpaña"

you wanted for Wine with
Whine dinner on Saturday.

- Oh!
- Wine with what?

Our Wine with Whine dinner.

It's a weekly thing where we get
together, drink delicious vino

and talk openly about
our work frustrations

in front of our super
supportive superior, Bert.

I wanted to call it Sipping With
Your Super Supportive Superior

Saturday Soiree, but Paula punched me.

But Maya, if you do it every
week, you could skip it once

to hang with your good buddy Darryl.

Bert, you wouldn't mind, would you?

Well, it's not up to me.

It's up to this young lady right here.

And I think she's old enough to choose

who she wants to spend
her weekends with.

Come on, M-Dog.

- What do you say?
- No pressure.


- uh...
- Come on.

I don't want to
disappoint either of you.

But I do love Spice Girls karaoke night,

and I kill that Ginger
Spice solo in "2 Become 1."

But this week has been Maj,
and I really need my Whine time.

I got to go with Bert and his Rioja.

I'm so sorry.

Oh. Okay. No, that's totally fine.

I get it. I totally...


- Is it true?
- Oh, it's fantastic.

It's a 2015...

Ooh, it burns, it burns, burns...


Got it!

Oh, thank you for going
to the drugstore for me.

I'm so uncomfortable, I can barely walk.

It's just chafe, chafe, burn, burn.

It's no problem. I used
to get this for Valencia.

She said it was hand cream,
but I have two sisters,

I know it's for foot fungus.

Yeah. E-Exactly.

My feet are so gross right now.

That's why I'm, uh, wearing socks.

All right, "results
in one to seven days"?

No, no, no, no. My date's in three days.

I need my... piggies to
be all healed up by then.

You know what I do when
I get athlete's foot

is I double down on
the healing treatments

so I can get back to karate.

I spray, I soak, I powder, I sun.

Well, the sun part's just because

I like how my feet look tan.

Double down. Yeah, that
makes a lot of sense.

Can you go get me another box of this?

- Sure.
- Great.

Oh, God, that tastes
like chalky metal sand.

Thanks for buying it for me, I guess?

Well, thanks for spotting me.
I mean, you did drop the bar

on my chest a couple times, but
you're-you're getting better.

Yeah, I got to say, this
whole working out thing's

actually making me feel a lot better.

About what? What's your damage, anyway?

I mean, clearly you want to
talk about it and I'm nice now,

so what's the matter?

It's actually... it's a long story.

I-I had a weird thing
happen with an ex.

You did? So did I.

I mean, I don't know if mine was weird
as much as... devastating.

Oh, no, mine was that, too.

God. Women.

Can't... say adages about them anymore.

No, you can't. Yeah.

- All right. See you.
- All right. Take care.

Hey. Look at you, a regular gym rat now.

Yeah, I don't even know
how you could recognize me.

I'm so damn fit.

Hey, I'm kind of digging

this gym thing, and I think
I actually met a new friend.

What? Come on. See, gyms are great.

Although do wash your hands frequently

and don't touch your face.

Someone died from a
staph infection last year.

Danny, engage your core!

You know what? What are
you doing? Stop it, stop it.

- Oh...
- Did I leave my towel out here?

Oh, yeah. It's right here, bud.

Oh, no, Danny. This is bad.

- All right, leg day tomorrow?
- Yeah. Ready to do it.

Well, we'll see you then. I'm
still sore from the other day.

See my new friend?

Huh? What? No. Nope.

Me, Greg, I made a new friend in town.

I haven't done that since kindergarten.

- Yeah.
- And it's all

- because of you.
- Awesome.

Oh, no. What have I done?

Oh, God. Look at them.

What is the big deal
about this friendship?

You haven't stopped
talking about it for days.

You don't understand. Nathaniel
just became a nice person.

This could push him
straight back to doucheville.

And Greg is sober now
and is very fragile

after the whole Rebecca
with his dad thing.

It's so hard for both of them

to make new guy friends.

Straight people are so tragic.

Babe, just introduce them.

They're adults, they'll understand.

I know I should, but I can't.

Look at them, they're so happy together.

Oh, God, they just think
they're regular friends.

I can't, I can't do
it. I can't do anything.

All I can do is just stand here,

watching two trains slowly collide.

Mm. Looks nice in here.

Yeah. Jason's picking me up,

so I want the place
to look nice and tidy.

Here you go, baby. Got you some
nice organic cotton leggings.

Try those next time.

- Thank you.
- You feeling any better down there?

So much. I was in such
a hurry to get better,

I kind of blitzkrieged
the entire infection.

Mm-hmm. So not only
did double ointment,

but I also did some home remedies

like an apple cider vinegar bath,

I took the strongest
pro-biotic I could find,

plus, I took an old antibiotic
from a sinus infection

- just in case.
- That's a lot.

Yeah, so the itch is now gone.

Oh, and I'm feeling so good.

I'm really excited to sleep with Jason

- and stop thinking about my
exes, you know? - Mm-hmm.

See? I feel nothing.

Hey, V.

Okay, I did feel a little
twinge of something on that.

Oh, yeah, I felt it, too.
He's still Josh, but he fine.

Mm, you're right. You're right.

Ugh, this underwear keeps
messing up the line of my dress.

You know what?

What are you doing? I'm not gonna
be wearing the dress for that long.

Might as well, right?

- Girl, no.
- What's wrong?

You need to ask yourself that.

There is a terrible smell.


Put 'em back on, put the
panties back on. Now, now, now!


- Oh, no.
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, I smell it, too.
- Yep.

Oh, that's... Oh, that's bad.

It smells worse than
the wedged-in plot device

of the Heaviside Layer.

Ju... Uh, coming, Jason.

Oh. I thought you said,

"Come in, Jason."

Maybe he won't notice.

Wow, you look beautiful.

Oh, my God, thank you.

Oh. I thought we were
going out for dinner.

Did you make a tuna casserole?

Maybe. I-I'm just gonna
go to the bathroom.

Valencia, will you
please entertain my guest

and maybe open some
windows? Okay, thanks.

♪ Oh! What is that smell? ♪

♪ Seems like ♪

♪ Something funky's going on ♪

♪ Well, I'm the Funky Cat ♪

♪ And I appear ♪

♪ When something funky's ♪

♪ Going on around here, yes ♪

♪ Something funky's ♪

♪ In the air ♪

♪ More specifically,
it's coming from ♪

♪ Right there ♪

♪ I know all the funkiest ♪

♪ Party spots ♪

♪ I may be cool ♪

♪ But I'm burning hot ♪

♪ Funky cat ♪

♪ Is all the rage ♪

♪ When something's
off with your pH ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm having fun ♪

♪ I'm living large ♪

♪ Just oozing sex ♪

♪ And green discharge ♪

♪ I dance now ♪

Ha! Ha!

♪ Well if you don't like ♪

♪ The smell of me ♪

♪ You better get to a doctor ♪

♪ On the count of three ♪

♪ One, two ♪

♪ Three... Funky Cat. ♪

Hmm. Did she pan-fry some trout?

Is-is that what it is?

No, it's not a river fish.

Can't put my finger on it.

Nor should you.

If everyone could just
listen for a second.

It's my time to whine.

So, what people don't understand is,

I have very sensitive finger skin.

- Oh.
- So, when I'm filing documents...

I'm very often filing documents...

It's a bloody mess.

But then, I'm told by Paula

that wearing gloves to file is "weird."

No, no, no. I never said that.

I said it was "creepy."

Then I asked if you were
gonna murder the papers

because you looked like a serial killer.

- You were just... He... No,
he was spurting blood - Oh...

all over the briefs.

- Spurt?
- George, if you'd like gloves,

I'll provide them and
Paula, you can pick

a color that you find
festive and comforting.

Fuchsia gloves for George.

Hooray! Thank you, Bert.

- Cheers, everyone.
- Cheers.

Oh, hey, guys. I know
you're having an event.

I just came by with a little
something for everyone.

Okay, here we go, rapid fire.

Maya, rainbow eye shadow palette.

Jim, electronic drum pad.

George, hot water bottle
shaped like a '40s pinup.

Paula, lightweight merino shawl

embroidered with butterflies.

- Oh!
- And Bert...

I got you dirt.

It's like a pet rock,
but it's dirt. Get it?

Wow, thank you, Darryl.
I was looking for

a playmate for my pet sand.

- Oh.
- Great, Darryl. Thanks. But I've been

sitting on my whine all night.

I don't like the sandwich guy.

Bread is wet,

everything has mayo, which is basically

chicken embryo mucus mixed with oil.

I hear you, I understand,
and aioli want to help.

- Oh!
- Oh, good one, boss!

Ah, yeah, but what about the presents?

- We know what's inside.
- No, we know what's in it.

Okay, okay. Um, uh...

How about this? I'm taking...

everyone to Disneyland! Right now.

Except for Bert, of course.

You can eat ice cream, you can stay up

as late as you want, I'll
buy you any toy you want.

No, a toy? Please.

We are not children.

- Although I would love a
Moana, actually. - Oh?

She is gonna make such
an amazing chief someday.

So, guys, come on. Come with me.

- Darryl.
- Hmm?

This is my event and we're not done.

Maybe you can wait until

it's your time. This is my time.

Trigger alert.

I know what's going on here.

My parents are divorced and I was often

a pawn in their conflict and it was...

sometimes kind of nice,

because I got everything I ever wanted.

But nothing I needed.

He's right.

Let's not fight over these folks.

These are good people and
they can care about both of us.

Let's not force them to make a choice.

Good point.

Him? Disneyland?

- Well, it's an unfair one.
- Yeah, you know. - Oh, come on.

Got to go see the mouse.

Will you get on the
Impossibles coaster?

We need to go in one car, though.

- My car is waiting right outside.
- It's outside?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Oh, I can't wait for some Mickey ears.

I'm sorry, B-Dog.

Call him a cute nickname again
and no turkey legs for you.

Tonight I am alone.

Esta noche estoy solo.

Sorry, I'm not feeling well.

Valencia, can you show
Jason out, please?!

- All right, it's time to move on.
- Wait, uh... Whoa.

- It's now that you're leaving.
- What?


What about our date?

Oh, Valencia.

The cats are killing me.

Which cats?


So what do you do?

Well, I'm about to
finish business school,

but I'm, uh, I'm actually...

You know, I had this crazy idea...

Never even really told anyone...

But my dad used to have this
restaurant out by the freeway

and I'm thinking about re-opening it

as my thesis project.

It was this great
local Italian restaurant

and it got overrun by all these chains,

- so I think it'd be cool to revive it.
- Totally.

What are you doing? Oh, my God!

You scared me.

Snuck up on me there.

Just keeping an eye out.
Still very casual, don't worry.

Oh, I'm not worried at
all. Except about you.

Be nice to have an Italian restaurant.

Yeah. We still own the building,

but we can never sell it or re-open it

because of all these new zoning laws.

I don't even know where to
start with addressing that.

Dude. I could totally help
you. I'm real estate lawyer.

I eat local zoning
restrictions for lunch.

Really? You would help me?

I mean, how much do you cost,
though? You seem expensive.

I am. But lucky for you, I've
recently become a nice person,

so... I'm easy. Just buy me a beer.


Oh, okay. Okay, they're
going into business together.

That's fine, that's fine.

That's... fine. Nothing
bad can happen there.

Okay, I'm gonna tell 'em. I'm
gonna walk right up to 'em.

I'm gonna rip the Band-Aid off,
I'm gonna tell 'em the truth.

We're all gonna laugh about this.

Gonna be hilarious, we're
all... we'll-we'll laugh.

Good, I'm glad.


Where are they? Where did they go?

Do you think they left together?

At least I have the right medicine now.

I think I scared away
Jason forever, though.

Girl, you almost scared me away forever.

It's such a bummer. Jason was so nice.
I really liked him.

Well, if you like him, then text him.

Tell him the truth. He sent you

a picture of himself pooping.

What's going on with you
is not grosser than that.

I mean, for me, it's
all gross and none of it

should be talked
about, but for you guys,

it might be fine?

Do it, girl. Tell him.

So, Jason, what happened was...

And here's the truth...
I got a yeast infection

and I kind of over-corrected a bit

and gave myself bacterial vaginosis,

but I'm on the right medicine now,

and I'll be better in a week

and if you're still down after
reading this text message,

I would like to hang out very much.

Respectfully yours, Rebecca Nora Bunch.

And send.

Was that good?

Well, I might have phrased
it a bit differently...

Again, we're very,
very different people...


Oh, my God, it's Jason.

W-Well, what'd he say?

He said, "That's cool,
let's hang out tonight.

"My mom's a gyno, NBD.

"I'll bring over a room spray,

put on some thick sweats."

Hmm. Also, son of a gyno?

What a dream.

Paula, will you tell Darryl

that the client from
Azusa wishes to file

a soil-assessment request with
the wildlife management office?

Nope, not gonna do that.

Also, he just heard you.

Jim, tell Bert that any idiot knows

that ecological soil testing
needs to be done on-site

and he would know that
if he wasn't a weirdo

who used to live in a sewer.

Wait, start over. I only
got the first part of that.

You know what, I'm nice.

I'm very nice.

But I also have very
thin emotional skin.

Like my finger skin.

Which is now protected.

Thank you so much, Bert.

Because of Darryl, I
feel myself regressing

into a more raw state.

I've had to go to group therapy

every morning this week,
which has interfered

with my morning desert spelunking.

You have cost me the
love and the cherishment

of my loved ones.

Cherishment... not a word.

My professional family!

Oh... You've ruined everything.

And you stole my upper lip style choice,

- you son of a...
- Oh!

- Aah! Get away from me!
- Aah!

- What is your problem?!
- Stop it! Stop it right now!

Stop it! Stop it!

That is enough!

- I wasn't doing anything.
- Get off.

We can't go on like this.

We need to call in a professional.

Father Brah, it's so cool
you do workplace meditations.

Yeah, in this economic
climate, I can't afford

- to not diversify.
- Hmm. Father,

I have a confession.

You're super cute.

Oh, uh, uh, please don't.

Okay, workplace conflict arises

when we bring our emotional needs

to a transactional environment.

It's Darryl's fault.
I think he's borderline

and has BPD or maybe he
has narcissism and has NPD.

Or is in the NYPD.

Or he's NPH. I love
when he hosts the Tonys.

By the way, he was so right this year.

Who was that weird lady
backstage with the tiny top hat?

Do not put this on
me, Bert Buttenweiser.

Or shall I say Buttenweasel?

You knew exactly

- what you were doing.
- No, no.

I cannot go through this again.

Saturdays with Dad, Sundays with Mom.

Holidays... with who knows who...

Well, check the calendar, Georgie.

Where's my favorite windbreaker?

You must have left it
at your mother's place.

Well, then, why don't
you ask her new boyfriend

to buy you a new one since
he's so much wealthier than me?

Bert, Darryl,

I think you can see the toll

this is taking on your employees.

Can you put aside your
personal differences and your

facial-hair resentments for a moment?

Is this stupidity over?

He's right, I've been terrible.

We're hurting people.
People we care about.

I'm sorry.

You can be the Dad.

- You be Dad. I'll be Papa.
- Uh, again,

I encourage you to see
this work environment

through a professional
lens, if possible.

Okay, then. It's settled.

- Daddy, Papa.
- So, no?

And I will relinquish
my glorious facial hair.

I guess, on some level,
I grew the mustache

because I wanted to compete with you.

You are so kind and beloved.


I think we did it.

Yeah, well done.

Good job, everyone.

Um, everything you said was super smart,

and I just wanted to ask
what are you doing later,

and do you like oatmeal
draft lattes? 'Cause I do.

I'm a priest.

I'm a Capricorn.

I think this could work.

I never thought I'd have a gym buddy,

mostly because I never
thought I'd have a gym.

Yeah, and I don't usually talk
to people who are sweating.

Or just people in general.

- But I'm nice now, so...
- You know,

you don't need to say
it. You could just be it,

and people will think it.

Hmm. Having said that,

I am glad I met you.

It's really hard to make a new friend,

- and it's been great to take my mind off
my personal life. - Oh, right, your ex.

Yeah, it's so stupid I'm
even thinking about her at all

after what she did.

- Pretty bad, huh?
- As bad as it gets.

- Oof.
- And what's worse

is I want to forgive her.

I-I just can't stop thinking about her.

I-I hear you, man. I'm in the
same boat with my ex. I mean,

she clearly dumped me,

and I can't stop
thinking about her either.

I mean, God, women, they are...

our equal in every way.

Well, maybe you should
just tell her how you feel.

I've done that. Like,
four times. It never works.

Yeah, but you just told
me that you've changed.

Does she know that?

Kinda. I don't know.

How about this.

How about you tell your
ex that you've changed,

and I'll tell mine I can't
stop thinking about her.

- When?
- Now. Yeah.

And this isn't just
the lemonade talking.

- Really? Should we?
- Yeah, come on.

Use your legs, weakling!

Ah, that's a little too much, though.

Yeah, sorry. It felt weird coming out.

No, you're right, we should.
Why don't you go first.

I'll pay the tab because,
not only am I nice,

I'm also rich.

I'll work on that.

- I'll work on that.
- Yeah. Yeah.

All right, good luck.

You too.

Oh, my God.

My friend from the
wine bar just texted me.

Greg and Nathaniel had a
drink together and they're

both gonna see their exes.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- I have to go. I have to
go do something. - What?

- I don't know. - What are you
gonna do when you get there?

I don't know, okay? I'm
gonna think of something

very eloquent to say
on my way over there

and then I am going to say it to them

- when I get there.
- Okay.

I'm so glad you came over.

Hey. I know it's still a little

problematic for me down there, but...

there's other stuff we can do.

Oh. Okay.

Are you sure?


♪ Whisper, whisper,
whisper, whisper ♪

♪ This is Elated Cat ♪

♪ Interpreting this happy moment ♪

♪ In the language of dance. ♪

♪ ♪

You know, I'd like Cats way better

if it were just a plot-free dance revue.


God, I'm nervous.

Why am I nervous? I
didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't sleep with anyone's dad.

I've never even met Rebecca's dad.

- Greg?
- Hey...

Oh, you came here for moral support?

Thanks, bud, but I got it.

Wait, how'd you even know where I was?

Oh, God.

You're that Greg.


You're that jerk real
estate dude she dated?

Yep. Yep, that's me.

- So that means that Rebecca
had sex with your...

Yes. Him and me and...

obviously, you.

Ah. Uh-huh.

Greg, Nathaniel. Nathaniel, Greg.

Oh, you did that already, huh?

Oh, man, I... I did not do
a good job with this, huh?

So I'm gonna...

I'll just see you guys at the, uh...

Nope, no. Probably not.

Okay. I'll see you guys.

What is that?

Ugh, I think I have some of
those feral cats on my patio.

I got to go get rid of them.

Okay. Don't take too long.

I won't.

Keep yourself horny. Stay in the mood.

I can't believe this. Oh, I can.

When I get around Rebecca,

this is the kind of
thing that happens to me.

What are you guys doing here?

I wanted to talk to you.

I also wanted to talk to you.

Okay. About what?

Is everything okay?

Jason, it's-it's fine.
This is a... long story.

- Just-just get back in, okay?
- Is it the feral cats?

Don't get bitten! I will protect you...

Oh. Hey, dudes. What's going on?

Rebecca, who are these guys?

These are my ex-boyfriends.

- What is he doing here?
- We live together.

Platonic... platonically.

Yeah. Those are not platonic panties.

You know what? I'm gonna head out.

- Yeah, me, too.
- Also, me.

God, women are... the future.

Wait, guys. No, no, no. No,
no, Jason, Jason, don't go.

I can explain. Guys. Guys!

What did you want to tell me?

Sorry, Becks.

I was trying to save you from the cats.

♪ ♪

♪ Nostalgia ♪

♪ I'm feeling nostalgia ♪

♪ Such heartbreaking nostalgia ♪

♪ For the last time I boned. ♪

Did somebody say bone?

♪ I'm the Doggy Dog and
I'm wagging my tail ♪

Okay, that's enough. ♪ Sniffing
some ass as I walk up... ♪

Okay, so, wait...

All of your exes showed
up on your doorstep?

Are they still into you?

I don't know. I'm so confused.

I mean, they all had something
to say and they saw each other,

and no one said what they wanted to say.

Oh, God, and I've tried to text Jason,

like, "Jason, I'm so
sorry about tonight,"

but he's not getting back
to me, so that's done.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

After everything you've
been through this week

with your... vagina. I know,

and I didn't do anything wrong. No.

I was just trying to get laid.

Which now, apparently,
will never happen.



Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em.

Yeah. We get to say that.

We do. Yeah.


Wow. I really liked that Jason guy.

You kidding me? Have you seen Josh?


Josh? Honey, Nathaniel.

That's where it's at.

Mmm, I'm more of a Greg girl myself.

I still can't stop thinking of Marco.

He flipped me like a pancake.


- Meow.
- That's nasty.