Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Episode #4.4 - full transcript

Previously, on
"Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"...

I still love you,

We just don't have the same

- priorities right now.
- Every time we're happy,

you try to ruin it.

You don't have to
be a lawyer.

There are other fields.

That's what happy looks like.

I'm thinking of calling it

I'm sure you told your father

at Tucker's
seventh birthday party.

I need to borrow
some cash.

For his son's braces?

Here is a check for Tucker.

Do you think
I'm a bad mom?

You're not the most
attentive parent.

Can I get a tattoo?
Just a small blueprint

- of the local prison.
- Yeah, okay.

That's bad advice, Mom.

Brendan's my weed guy.

I'm thinking of that great song

from the movie Slumbered.

♪ In one indescribable instant ♪

♪ The whole world falls away. ♪

Love is finding your own path.

Oh, God. I love her.

When you find the one you love,

you should hold on tight.

I got to get her back.

♪ Meet Rebecca ♪

♪ She's coolest girl in the world ♪

♪ Wait, wrong Rebecca ♪

♪ It's this one over here ♪

♪ She's spunky, she's sweet ♪

♪ A generous friend ♪

♪ Oh, but there she
looks kind of mean ♪

♪ Hmm, okay ♪

♪ She's snarky, sarcastic ♪

♪ And a... What? ♪

♪ You know, we're
not really seeing ♪

♪ A common theme ♪

♪ Meet Rebecca ♪

♪ She's too hard to summarize ♪

♪ So, let's go back
to other Rebecca. ♪

I think I'm a fork.


Season 04 Episode 04
Episode Title: "I'm Making up for Lost Time"

I hate you!

You're the worst mom ever!

Hey, Tucker.

It's your big sister Rebecca.

For your birthday, I got you

a cool pair of limited
edition Fett Regoso sneakers.

Hope you like them.

If you don't, feel free
to sell them for drugs.

Ha, ha. Kidding.
Don't do drugs.

I know this gift is out of
the blue since we haven't

seen each other since Grandpa
Bobo's funeral years ago.

I'm sorry
so much time has gone by.

I'm in a better place now
and taking stock of my life.

I've been through a lot,
but I've turned a corner.

And I hope someday we can
get to know each other.

Whenever you're ready,

I'm out here in L.A. No pressure.

Love, your sis, Rebecca Bunch.

P.S. Hope these sneakers
make you truly happy.

Happy, happy, happy...

I sent him a card and gift.

Anyway, I'll probably
never hear back from him,

but I owed Tucker that letter.

You know, I really want to
make things right with him.

If not now, then someday.

And he's kind of the
last person in my life

that I have unfinished
business with, you know?

What about your mother?

Your father.

Audra Levine... Ooh!

The professor whose house
you almost burned down.

And I really think that we
should circle back to Greg

- at some point...
- Uh, yeah.

Hey, boys, your pretzels
are fresh out of the oven.

We'll talk about that later, okay?

Hey! Isn't this cool, guys?

Our friend owns a pretzel stand.

- Uh-huh.
- It's fun, right?

What do you think, guys? Best ever?

- It's fine.
- It's kind of dry.

- Hey.
- Tommy.

Uh, I love your Fett Regoso hat.

I'm a massive Fett Regoso fan.

Like, I've been a fan
of his from the '90s.

And I'm so glad he's
having a revival now, right?

I am so sorry,
they are such lumps.

Mom. Come on.
Just give me the car keys.

Fine. But drive safe.

Make sure you stop the car
when you drop Tommy off.

A slow roll through the
carpool lane doesn't cut it.


Yeah, drive safe.
Or recklessly.

Whichever makes me cooler.

No, don't turn around.
This is too fun.

I'm sorry.
They should be nicer to you.

It's... I don't know,
teenagers are tough.

Yeah, no, listen, it's a phase;
you'll get through it.

You're a great mom and
they're ultimately good kids.

Hmm, basically.

- I mean, Tommy's not the brightest...
- No.

..and Brendan's an isolated
loner, but I love them?

- All right, bye.
- Bye.

- Mwah, mwah.
- See you later.

You know, it's interesting.

When I was a teenager,
my mother and I,

we didn't connect at all.

She really only wanted to talk about

her concerns,
and I was too young

to weigh in on vaginal rejuvenation.

Yeah, uh, I hear you.

Truth is,
I don't talk about this a lot,

but my mother and I have
been estranged for...

You know, sometimes I just
wish I could go back in time.

- And back to you, okay.
- And I would tell

little Rebecca that
it's all gonna be okay.

That, yes, people don't
understand who she really is

inside, but she's
wonderful and special

- and she's worth...
- Hello?

Excuse me.


What are... Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, you're here! Hi!

I got your card and your gift;
I came to visit.

This is unbelievable. Um, AJ, AJ!

This is my little half brother...

No, no. My whole brother.
This is my brother.

So, this is the spawn
of your father's whore?

- AJ.
- That's okay.

I've heard that before.

You said that to my face
on my seventh birthday.

Yeah. Right. I'm the worst.

So, um, hey.

Is your mom here?

Oh, she said she told you
I was coming on my own.

She said she called you.

You didn't get her voice mails?

Oh, God, I don't listen
to voice mail, I'm sorry.

M-My outgoing message
is. "Seriously, don't,"

and then just beep.

Oh, no, I'm-I'm
springing myself on you.

That is so rude.
I-I'll go home.

Tucker, stop.
You're not going anywhere.

This is great; this is amazing.

I don't even know
where to begin, uh...

What's your favorite pretzel?

You can have any pretzel you like.

I own the place. I'm Rebetzel.

Wait. This is your pretzel stand?

I love pretzels!

They're like a funky treat for teens.

Oh, my God, that's what
I always used to say.

Really? Gasp.

Wait. You say "gasp"?
I say "gasp."


Whoa. Okay.

We got a lot of catching up to do.

Let's just, let's get out of here.

AJ, you're in charge.
Think you can handle it?

Um, yeah. It's a pretzel stand.

I just flipped the cinnamons.
I'm good until 3:00.


Great, thanks.

So, you gave up being
a lawyer completely.

Yeah, I mean,
I give free legal advice

at the county jail, but
the job part I don't miss.

- So what do you want to do today...?
- Hello, Rebecca.

Hey, hi, Nathaniel.

- I thought we were not...
- Please.

Please, I need to say
something very important to you.

But first, little boy, move aside.

We have no money for your
youth club overpriced candy.

No, this is my brother, Tucker.

- And he's in town for...
- I said...

- Please.
- For... What?

Look, I, Rebecca,
I need to say this, okay?

You and I belong together.

And that's just a fact.

I love you; you love me.

The sooner you get used to it,

I think the easier and
better it'll be for everyone.

Look, yes, I still have feelings for you

and you still have feelings for me.

But I just can't, okay?
I'm with child.

You're...? No, I'm with a child.

I'm with a child, my brother,
and he's my focus right now.

But did you hear what I said?

- I love you.
- I...

What else do I have to
say to get you to take me back?

I don't know.

I just don't, I don't
know if you understand me.

Just-just go, go.
Go, Nathaniel.

- Okay? Just...
- Rebecca.

- Ciao, Nathaniel.
- What are you...

Ciao, bambino.

Whoa, that guy
is so in love with you.

He's very handsome,
and was wearing

a very expensive cologne,

"Take Her," by Fett Regoso.

Which was
discontinued in the '90s

because of its problematic ad campaign

and is now a collector's item.

How do you know that?

I have a cologne collection.

I love you.

Tucker's gonna sleep
on the couch.

So, your mom is just cool
with you flying out here

by yourself to visit a
woman that you barely know?


And what about your dad?

'Cause he and Rebecca aren't
on the best terms.

Oh, my parents are divorced.

I only see him for a
few weeks in the summer.

- He is...
- Garbage?

I try not to use bad language,

but you're right.

He is not great.

He never lets me do
anything I want to do.

My summers with him are awful;
he makes me work construction.

You see this callus?

You poor thing.

I also have a Silas callus.

This is from 2005, building
townhouses in Tucson.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay, sorry to break this up.

But have you checked in with
your mom since you got here?

Like, does she know
you arrived safely?

Oh, yeah, I texted her.

No, you know what?
Heather's right.

I really should check in
with your mom.

Sure, you can text her.

Text is best; she's so busy.

Oh. Excuse me, where's your bathroom?

Uh, it's right, uh, there.


Hey, Marissa, comma,
Rebecca Bunch here, comma.

Just letting you know
Tucker got in safely

and I'll take good care of him.

Also, thank you for ruining
my family and my childhood...

Okay, just delete,
delete, delete, delete.

- Yeah. You're right;
- I'm the adult now.

Okay, delete, delete, delete, send.

Okay, waiting dots.
Waiting dots already.

"Hope you guys have a great time."

Look at that.

Oh. Okay. Okay.

Well, that's settled, then.

Oh, he's such a great kid.

And he really reminds me of
myself at that age, you know?


So, I need a paralegal to
come on to the Yamamoto case.

It's huge.

Lots of hours, tons of overtime.

Sir, pick me.

I need all the overtime
I can get

to help with my
student loans.

I'm also paying off
my student loans.


Are you saying I'm old?

You said it;
I don't disagree.

I will make
my decision this week.

It's between you two idiots.

Get out.

He's in a bad mood.

Yeah, he got Rebected again.

Oh, that's my term for when
he gets rejected by Rebecca.

Spread it around;
make sure I get credit.

I'm getting this case.
I always do.

As my Krav Maga
trainer says,

I'm a mitnakesh.

That's Hebrew for
"killer," bitch.

I'd like to make a deal with you.

I get you Rebecca,
you give me the Yamamoto overtime.

"Get me Rebecca"? How?

You don't want to know.

Do you know?

No, no, no.

But, um, I will make it happen.

Great. You do that,
the case is yours.

All right.

- We're done.
- We're done, yes.

Could I have some sugar
for my milk?

No way. You do that?

I do that, too.

Twins. Jinx. Gasp!

Oh, um,
that's a little surprise for you.

I'll just tell you, um, my best
friend has some kids your age,

so I thought
we could all hang out.

- Hi!
- Hey!

Oh, hi!
You must be Tucker, I'm Paula.


You're adorable.

And you look just like Rebecca.

And these are my boys.

Comatose and Lump.

Hello, nice to meet you.

- Hey.
- 'Sup, cuz?

Okay, so what cool young
thing should we all do today?

Should we, uh, take a selfie?

Make a meme? Get lit?

Or should we... Yas, queen?


Okay, I got tickets for the
new escape room at the mall.

Oh, my God, I've been
wanting to go to that.

I thought it could be fun.

Oh, God, Paula,
that-that's so sweet of you,

it's just, I'm the
littlest bit claustrophobic.

It kind of reminds me

of the scariest movie,
Panic Room.

No, no, no.
I used to be terrified

of the Panic Room, too.

Get out of my house!

Twins! Jinx! Gasp!


Okay, well, you guys don't
need us to have a good time.

So, I guess, I'll just take

these screen zombies
to the escape room.

Maybe that'll breathe
some life into them.

Okay, come on.

Let's go.

Get in the car.

All right, we'll see you guys later.

- Okay.
- Bye.

Have the best time ever.

You know, if you ask me,
you could learn a thing

from Tucker Bunch;
he's a beam of damn sunshine.

Okay. No biggie.

So what do you want
to do instead?

Well, I've never been
to Los Angeles before.

Maybe there's some
tourist stuff we could do?

That's a great idea.
I actually haven't done

any of the tourist stuff, either.

I mean, I only go to a few places

and they're all in West Covina.

Whitefeather, Sugar Face,
the boba place, Home Base,

Paula's house, although
usually it's just the kitchen.

Hey, I just had an idea.

How about the Hollywood

- Walk of Fame?
- Murder Tour... Walk of Fame.

- We're not on the same page there...
- Oh, yeah.

But your idea's better;
it's good for kids, yeah.

Great. Let's do it.

I am dying,
dying to see Monty Hall's star.

He's the original host
of Let's Make a Deal.


Well, that is a cool,
vintage-y factoid.

Let's go to Hollywood Boulevard.


I looked it up online,

Monty's star should be
right down there.


Huh, look at that.

I wonder what
those boys are in line for?

Maybe it's like a cool
exhibit or something.

Oh, yeah. Let's ask
that boy and his mother.


Boy, why are you crossing?

Why, don't you know?

They're casting Peter Pan, the musical.

Darling, great.

But it's "Peet-ah", like pita bread,

not "Peet-er" like Tater Tots.

Okay, sorry, Mother.

It's okay.
He takes notes amazingly.

Oh, an audition.
That sounds so fun.

When I was a kid,
I would have killed

to audition for, like, anything.

I love musicals so much.


- I love them, too.
- No way.

My favorite one is this obscure,
off-brand, animated one.

You've probably never heard of it.

- Slumbered.
- Slumbered.

- Get out of my house.
- Get out of my house.

- Twins! Jinx! Gasp!
- Twins! Jinx! Gasp!

Wait. This is insane.

I-I've never met anyone else
who loves the movie Slumbered.

Uh, what's your favorite song?

I mean, it's obvious.

♪ In one indescribable instant ♪

♪ The whole world falls away ♪

♪ In one indescribable instant ♪

♪ You'll know just what to say ♪

♪ In one indescribable instant ♪

♪ Your heart will speak the truth ♪

♪ 'Cause in that one indescribable ♪

♪ Magical, mystical ♪

- ♪ Endless, incredible instant ♪
- ♪ Endless, incredible instant ♪

♪ I'll try to match you ♪

♪ No, I was harmonizing ♪

♪ Oh, okay, I'll go down a third ♪

You know, it's fine.
You finish it, it's fine.

♪ The only words you'll need ♪

♪ Are I love... ♪

♪ You... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh. ♪

Oh, my God.

That's my brother!
My brother's a good singer.

And it's not just in his head.

Oh, my God.

We got to get you to that audition.

Oh, no. I-I couldn't.

Yeah, yeah, but you want to, right?

Well, I-I've never
admitted it to anyone,

but it would be a dream
come true.

Come on.
We're gonna make you a star.


You are three noble knights
who have been imprisoned

in the lair of the evil
king, Nestor Asgard.

Best of luck.
The clock starts now.


Where do we start?

Maybe with the chest with
the giant, obvious keyhole?

Mom, I don't want to do this.

I paid good money.
Shut up and participate.


Oh. Sweet, I found a key.

Well done.

Don't look at me,
I failed cursive.

I mean, who even reads
these scribbles?

What am I, Egyptian?

I don't have my glasses.

Ah, give it to me.

I can read calligraphy 'cause

of that renfaire girl I went out with.

- Oh, yeah. Gwendolyn with the huge...
- What? Who?


You don't remember

They dated for months.

Now Brendan and I go
to renfaires every week.


- We're the Brothers Proctor.
- Wait.

No one told me any of this.

All of a sudden,
I'm finding out

about a secret girlfriend
with giant boobs

and you two willingly
hang out with each other?

A secret compartment, awesome!


- Yeah!
- My sons are strangers to me.


Hello, there.
I have a young man

who would like to tread the boards.

My little brother wants to audition.

Do you have an appointment?

Yeah. No appointment,
no audition.

Listen, I understand you have
to say that to most people,

- but my brother is so talented.
- Ma'am.

- Please step aside.
- Is there some kind of problem?

- Colin?
- Oh, Rebecca.

Uh, what are you doing here?

Why, I'm playing Cap'n Hook.

Oh. Right, r-right.

Uh, yeah, love the costume.

Costume? What do you mean?

I'm just togged up
in my glad rags.


Hey, so the last time
I saw you I was very rude

when we attempted to make that, um...

know, that sex tape.

Um, but, my
little brother is so talented

and it would mean the world
to me

if you could help him
get an audition, please.

See you soon, Samantha.

Bye, Ben.

Your young lad will be hard-pressed

to beat young Ben
Blackthorne over there.

Can you do the accent, son?

sir, I believe I can.

I believe I could do a smashing job.

Hmm. Tucker.
That was excellent. Oh, my God.

My word, you are a talent, son.

After all, accents is acting.



are you sure we can't fit in

one more lil' urchin?

For you, Colin?

Get in there, kid.

Off you go. Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

- Break a leg. Break a leg.
- Okay.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, I can't listen.

I got to pace, I got to pace.

Oh, wow.

I already signed in, so...

Aha. Tucker Bunch.

Little brother has big dreams.

Wants to be Peter Pan... got it.

Hello there.
And you are...?

My name is Tucker Bunch.
I hail from Santa Fe, New Mexico,

and I'm here for one thing only.

Hit it!

♪ Every night I lie awake ♪

♪ Dreaming of my big break ♪

♪ I just gotta act
and dance and sing ♪

♪ 'Cause I only ever
wanted one thing ♪

♪ I wanna be a pre-teen
Hollywood train wreck ♪

♪ A cautionary tale ♪

♪ I want the kind of fame
that'll warp my brain ♪

♪ And eventually land me in jail ♪

♪ I wanna sue my parents
for emancipation ♪

♪ After they get caught
stealing from me ♪

♪ I wanna be on the set
of The Walking Dead ♪

♪ When I lose my virginity ♪

♪ I wanna be a child star ♪

♪ It's gonna be bad ♪

♪ Child star! ♪

♪ It's gonna be sad, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Childhood is overrated ♪

♪ I'm ready for mine to end ♪

♪ I want to have
agents and assistants ♪

♪ Instead of actual friends ♪

♪ I'll be abusive and
emotionally stunted ♪

♪ But everyone will tolerate me ♪

♪ They'll have no choice
because my face and my voice ♪

♪ Makes them all so much money ♪

♪ I want to have a teenage
Hollywood meltdown ♪

♪ Be a pop culture casualty ♪

♪ I want a bunch of addictions
to illegal prescriptions ♪

♪ And completely lose
touch with reality ♪

♪ I want to squander
everything I've worked for ♪

♪ And spiral out of control ♪

♪ I want to wake up in Van Nuys ♪

♪ With a bunch of sketchy guys
I've never even met before ♪

♪ I want to be a ♪

♪ Child star! ♪

Who are you guys?

♪ Child star! ♪

Can I have some more money?

Oh, baby, I've hit rock bottom.

I can't live like this.

It's time to get
my act together.

Refocus on my passion.

♪ I want to be a desperate
Hollywood has-been ♪

♪ A classic
"Where are they now?" ♪

♪ I'll try to clean up my
act and get my agent back ♪

♪ And salvage my
reputation somehow ♪

♪ I'll do a lot of
community service ♪

♪ And apologize to Meryl Streep ♪

♪ I want to be that
former child star ♪

♪ That you'll see in bars ♪

♪ And say, "Hey, there's that
bloated, bankrupt creep" ♪

♪ Child star! ♪

And now, my song.

Thank you. The...

- What?
- Oh, I've heard enough. Thank you.

They wouldn't let me finish.

- What?
- I don't know why.

Well, did you ask if you
could just sing again?

I asked. I asked if I could try again,

and they said, "Thank you."

And we know what that means.
That means "Screw you."

Miss, I'm so sorry

to bother you, but my
little brother did not

get a fair shot in there.
I mean, he's so talented.

Can you please ask the director
if he can just sing again?

I am the director.

Oh, right. It's the theater.

You have female directors.

Auditions are over! Thank you.

Don't "thank you" me.

You can go "thank you" yourself.

I ruined it. I ruin everything. I...

Hey, hey, hey, stop that.

Please don't say that stuff.

You are wonderful and special.

Hey, Colin, over here.

Rebecca, is that you?

Yes, I just saw you.
We had a full conversation.

Listen, where did the director go?

Probably her hotel.

It's right there.

Okay. Thanks.

Let's go. Come on.

Okay, this seems a
little crazy, but no, no,

I can justify this to myself,
because I love my brother.

Huh? What?

Nothing. Shh. Okay, we're here.

All right. Get ready.

Room service.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no.
Just-just wait a second.

Wait a second. Sing, Tucker.
Sing. Just start singing.


♪ In one indescribable instant... ♪

No. Stop. Stop. Stop.

What is wrong with you?

This is insane.

You are a terrible mother.

Huh? No. I'm not a mother. You're wrong.

I'm actually an older
half-sibling who's just trying

to make up for lost time
to her younger half-sibling,

which, to be fair, I had
some mental health issues.

I have borderline personality disorder,

but I'm better now, and
just, he's so talented!

I don't care about your back story.

Besides, the part has
already been cast.

But... Ugh.

I'm sorry, buddy.

We tried.

Let's go
before she calls the police.

Oh, thank God. Are you my masseur?

Come on in. You won't
believe the day I've had.

No, no. I-I'm here to tell you
you're making a big mistake.

You need to cast that
delightful Tucker Bunch.

What is it with people
and Tucker Bunch?

The kid started his
audition with a speech

about how he wants to
be a star at any cost.

He is a troubled child actor,

and he hasn't even booked
anything yet.

Now go away. Thank you.

Look, okay, I-I need this.

Back story... my boss wants
to date Tucker's sister.

You give Tucker the part, I
take credit for it with my boss,

he takes credit for it
with Tucker's sister.

It's a simple transaction,
everyone wins!

Okay, let me just
get this bellhop shirt off.

Hey, I got to pee.

I'll be right back.

So... who else have you dated?

What other themed festivals
have you guys gone to?

Mom, can we just play the
game? I'm kind of into it now.

We need to find the chalice.



These gems have letters
on them.

I think these need to be
arranged in some kind of order.

Hey, well, here's an "N"

and an "R," and there's 12 holes.

"Nestor Asgard" has 12 letters.

- Okay, just...
- Nestor. Okay.

Tell me why I don't know

about a major thing
in my son's life.

Maybe because all you
ever ask us is whether

our homework is done and
whether our underwear is clean.

Yeah, so?
Is it?

No, because I don't like
washing my underwear too much

because of the environment.

You think about the
environment? Since when?

Since I became a vegetarian,
which is, of course,

the best way to reduce
your carbon footprint.

Oh, my God.

I don't know anything
about my children. Nothing.

we're not children anymore, Mom.

- I'm a grown-ass man.
- And I'm a grown-ass boy.

Nestor Asgard isn't working.

Oh, don't look at me.
I know nothing, apparently.

What have you done to
get the Yamamoto case?

I think my work
speaks for itself.


Okay, I-I-I... I see
what you did there.

Uh, you worked

hard, but I worked smart.

I tried to get Rebecca's
brother the lead in Peter Pan...

Sunil! How is that relevant?

Thank you.
Yes, exactly.

Would you give us a
minute, Mrs. Hernandez?


I'm really sorry for
overstepping, sir,

by interfering in
Rebecca's personal life.

That would've been
fine if it had worked,

but you got nowhere
with Rebecca?

Technically, no, but I did
find out some more info.

She has a brother, and he's here.

Already knew that. Get out.

Okay, did you know that
she's desperate to please him?

And he's obsessed with her.

I saw him reading her old diary.

I mean, like, flipping
through it, studying it.

I'm like, "Respect her
privacy. It says 'Keep out'."

Oh, you are so dumb, Sunil.

- I need that diary.
- Why?

Because she says I don't
understand her, and you just

told me there's a book
with all that info in there.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Which is
why I told it to you,

and why you should give
me the Yamamoto case.

Nice try.
Mrs. H, you got Yamamoto!

Whatever. Whatever.

Okay, that diary is
probably meaningless.

She's a grown-ass lady.
I'm sure she's changed.

Oh, my sweet, sweet,
simple, stupid Sunil.

No, she hasn't changed, okay?

I love Rebecca, but she's
basically a dramatic teenager.

My life is over.

What am I gonna do?

My dreams are dead!

Tucker, come on.

No, they're not.

I'm sorry I got you into
that whole auditioning thing,

but it was a whim.

Hey, come on.
Let's do something else.

Let's go the beach!

Huh? It's only two hours away.

We can go rollerblading
in the bike lane.

I have rollerblades
I've never used.

I-I got them
when I first moved here

to impress this guy.
It's a whole thing.

Rollerblading... I don't know.

Um, actually, um,
could I see them?

I've only read about them.

- I've never seen a pair in real life.
- Really?

I'm gonna get them.

I don't have much time.
What do you want?

What are you doing here?

Listen, little boy,
you took something

that doesn't belong to
you, and now it's time

for you to give the thing that
doesn't belong to you... to me.


The diary. I want the diary.

Look, I love your sister.

I just think I need to
understand her better.

I think that's what
she wants, too.

It's very sweet, and you know
it will work like a charm.

I've been using it for days.

How do you think I get
that puppet to dance?

I give it to you, what do I get?

What do you want?

I... want... Pan.


Wait. No, no,
no, no, no, no. I...

I got it. It's an anagram.

Rearrange the letters
in "Nestor Asgard"

to form "Dragon's Tears,"

you know, the potion
that saves the kingdom.

Okay. Uh-huh.

Oh, my God, it worked!

Tommy's smart.
Nothing makes sense anymore.

Wow. I thought you guys
were just dead weight

slowing down the
minivan, but I was wrong.

Gee, big compliment, Mom.

- Oh.
- Hear ye, hear ye.

You have completed
your noble quest.

You have saved the kingdom.

Prepare to be knighted

and have your photo taken
over there for our website.


- Okay. Here. Take it, take it, take it.
- Please tag us. Please Yelp us.

Please kill me.

Can you get closer?

Come on, come on.


Come here. Oh. Okay.

You know what?

I think we might be on our way.

That's not what he meant, Mom.

Oh, my God, that took forever.

I have not sorted through
my closet in years.

I found this old Fett Regoso hoodie.

It's practically a collector's item.


Have you seen Tucker?

Uh, no.

Where were you?

Oh, uh, I-I was just outside.


thinking about puberty.

Yeah. I still think about it, too.


Oh, thank God.

Yeah, this is Rebecca Bunch.

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

Are you thanking with me right now?


What? What?

That was Angela, the director.

She said she had a
change of heart, and...

- you're Peter now.
- What? Oh, my gosh.

What a whirlwind.

You got the part!
This is unbelievable.

We have to celebrate.

Should we go get a
funky treat for teens?

Yeah! Yeah, let's go
get a Rebetzel.


Oh. Hey, Rebecca. I didn't
realize you were here.

I-I'll give you your space, so I'll go.

Wait, um...

I want to say something, and
then I'll leave you alone.

I won't forgive myself
if I don't say it.


Go ahead.

Rebecca, look,
I know I've made mistakes.

Bad ones.

And I realize I've been
going about this all wrong,

but you have to know...

you are the only thing
that makes me happy.

When I'm not with you,

my heart aches.

I feel like I've lived in
a quiet forest my whole life,

and then you showed up, and
the world starts to sing.

I love you, plain and simple.

You've awakened my heart
and unlocked my soul.

Oh, my God, that is so sweet.

That is so sweet.
What a great guy.


you memorized the ending speech

from the movie Slumbered?


Yeah. Yes.

That's-that's exactly what I did.

I-I know
you love that movie so much,

so I watched it last night.

You what? Yeah, I-I, uh...

I streamed it.

No, you did not.

It's in the vault.

You can't stream it.

I mean, I should know.
I've written the company

countless amounts of letters.

How did you even know
I like that ending speech?

I mean, I've thought about it.

I fantasized about it. I used to...

think about the way my dream
man would say that to me.

Well, that's it.
You've mentioned it.

No. No. No, I didn't.

I don't... I don't
tell people that.

I've actually never told
anyone that because it's...

it's silly and embarrassing.

I mean, it's not even
a well-written speech.

Well... I mean,

the only thing
I ever told was my diary.

I used to write it over
and over in my diary.

It was him. He stole it.

He flew to New Mexico

and stole your diary
from behind the toilet

at Dad's house. Okay. He...

What an invasion.

Not surprising, coming from someone

that wears that offensively
titled Fett Regoso cologne.

What, Nathaniel,

you just thought you could "Take Her"?

- Well, I'm taking her away from you.
- Oh.

Oh, you paid the director

for him to get the part, didn't you?


How much did that set you back?

A lot. A lot.

I-I thought that we were
gonna get back together.

- That's why I did it. I...
- Tucker? Hey.

Wait in the back. I'll
deal with you in a second.

You I'm gonna deal with now.

- Dude.
- I-I know. I... It's bad.

Okay, but what was
I supposed to do?

I-I thought that we
would get back together,

and we would look back on
this and laugh.

You know what, Nathaniel, I get it.

You love me. Loud and clear.

But the way you show
your love is so messed up.

I mean, you just now

tried to manipulate me,

and you manipulated a child.

Oh, if anyone manipulated anyone,

it was him
who manipulated me.

So you're-you're blaming a
13-year-old for your actions?

No. It's inexcusable.

You know what,
I was wrong.

It's not that
you don't know who I am.

It's that we're not
right for each other,

and we never will be.

All we do when we're together
is scheme and cheat and lie.

I am bad for you, and
you are bad for me.

So you know what?
We are done.

We're not on a break,

not thinking about it.
We're done.

Please go.

So, does your
mom even know you're here?

No. She thinks
I'm with Dad.

And you just came here
for the audition?

I-I really wanted to
get to know you, really.

The audition just happened
to be here.

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

But Tucker, why did you lie?

Why didn't you just tell me

you wanted to come to
L.A. for an audition?

I mean, you could have
trusted me.

Trust you?
You've ignored me all my life.

And no adult has ever
understood me. Ever.

But you know
how similar we are.


So all those similarities we had,

those were just things
you stole from my diary?

It started out that way.

I was just saying all the
things you said in the diary.

I never watched Slumbered,

and... I think milk with sugar

- in it is gross.
- Mm.

But we are the same.

Just t-tell me
you'll forgive me.

Oh, my God.

I'm a... horrible, stupid,
dumb, ugly, fat, stupid...

Tucker, you don't have
to keep quoting my diary.


That's not in the diary.
That's just how I feel.

All the time.

- Really?
- Yes.

That's finally the truth.

Yeah, Tucker,
I need your mom's number.

The real one this time.

She hates me now.

Nah, no.
I don't think she does.

So, I talked to your mom.

Uh, and she was... upset.

But glad you're safe.

And then we talked
about some other stuff,

and she agreed
that when you get home,

she's gonna find you
a good therapist.

That's what I needed
when I was your age.

You think I need therapy?

Oh, no,
I know you need therapy.

And then I called Dad.

Oh, no.

And this summer,

he's sending you
to theater camp.


Wait, really?

He'd never do that.

I talked him into it.

Also, I'm paying for
the theater camp,

and I'm also paying
to replace you

at the construction site
this summer,

'cause he is... literally
the worst person.

Neither here nor there.
Anyway, Tucker,


you can't do Peter Pan.

It's just not right, you know?

You lied and schemed to get it.

You didn't earn it.

But that's how show
business works, right?

That is true.
Yes. But...

it's just no way to live your life.

So, uh, you're gonna go
home soon.


So do you hate me now?

No. Hey, no.

I love you.

I love you, too.

- Jinx.
- Jinx.

But before you go home,
there is something we need to do.


I kept a VCR
just for this movie.

All right, so,
I recorded it from TV,

so there are some commercials.

Take Her.

Take Her, by Fett Regoso.

Here we go.


Does the animation get better?

Oh, no.

Take her.

When you see
what you want, take her.

Take her. Take her.

Take her. Take her.

No matter what she says,

turn that no into a yes.

Take... No, sorry. Cut, cut, cut.

Cut. Take five.

Guys, I'm not sure about this.

Something doesn't feel right.

You're right. You're
right, it's all wrong.

The women should be naked.

The men need bigger boots.

No, I just don't think
this is gonna age well.

No offense. This is kind of why
I wanted a female director.

In television?

I love this guy.

I love it.

Let's take it from the top!

Sync corrections by srjanapala