Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Episode #3.9 - full transcript
♪ Crazy is when I go off the rails ♪
♪ This is what you've done to me ♪
♪ Crazy is how your
loving makes me feel ♪
♪ This is what I always want to be ♪
♪ I like it when a
girl gets crazy in bed ♪
♪ Don't mess with the bitch
who's crazy in the head ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
- ♪ You don't ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
- ♪ And you don't ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
♪ To clarify, yes, no on the crazy ♪
♪ We hope this helps. ♪
What?
Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
Maybe having a baby
started out as a whim,
but it's what I want for my life now.
And you don't want a baby.
Oh, wait, so this is... ?
Yeah, I guess it is.
JOSH: Why are you making me move?
I don't want to move.
I'm just going through a tough time.
- Too much change.
- Josh is the worst.
You know, I can't even book
another wedding because of him.
His jilting you has
completely ruined my business.
Can I help you, ma'am?
Me and Ally? I wish.
I don't have a shot.
I mean, look at her.
There's no baby.
It is really expensive
to buy those huevos.
I can only do it, like, once a year.
REBECCA: The way I am with Nathaniel
is nothing like the way I was with Josh.
But doesn't it feel like you're
repeating some old patterns?
Rebecca, what's wrong?
I have to do something
I've never done before.
What? (exhales)
Come on in.
You look upset.
So, you said you wanted to do something
you'd never done before.
What is it, like a sex thing?
I mean, I don't know what else
is still on the table for us.
(laughs) Oh, God, please
don't make me laugh.
Oh, it's only gonna
make it more difficult.
What do you mean?
Okay. Okay, so here's the thing.
I don't know how to like someone
without being obsessed with them.
Okay? So...
it happened with Josh
and now it's starting
to happen with you,
and I can't go down that road again.
It's a nightmare.
Okay, well, I'm not Josh.
(chuckles) Okay?
This isn't bad obsessed.
This is good obsessed.
I-I-I like it.
I-I find it flattering.
No, no, but, Nathaniel,
think about all the stuff I
did just in the last few days.
I mean, really,
I-I hounded your father.
I insisted you had a secret sibling.
I stole your shirt so I could
wear it all day and smell it.
Look, we talked about all that.
It's in the past.
And I didn't know about the shirt thing,
but, again, kind of cute.
Okay, cute, yes, it starts out as cute,
but then it escalates.
It escalates to-to bad things,
like-like burning down houses
and abducting some people's moms
and sleeping with other people's dads.
- Whoa, what?
- Not your dad.
Although, I mean, he does have kind of
like a silver fox thing going on.
He's very neggy, which I like.
Point is, the point is...
I-I just can't be with
you right now... or anyone.
Okay, look, I-I don't
want to get in the way
of your therapy thing,
but isn't the whole point
of all this to be happy?
We're happy. That's what matters.
I'm happy, but it's not real.
It's... it's a high.
- It's infatuation.
- Wait.
Are... are you breaking
up with me right now?
No. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just saying that we...
... I'm just saying that we
can't be together or go out
or talk on the phone or have sex
or... kiss or snuggle or cuddle.
Um...
so, I'm sorry.
(crying): I have to, I
have to, I have to go.
No, no, no, wait, Rebecca.
You can't just...
The hell just happened?
REBECCA: So, I can't do anything.
I can't be in a romantic relationship
because I'm literally incapable of it.
And I'm not ready to go back to work,
so I got nothing to do all day.
You know what I did yesterday?
I-I threw out all my old
spices and bought new ones.
I don't even cook.
I just smelled them all
and I tried to smoke the marjoram.
Rebecca, you made a hard
choice ending your relationship.
Now you have some time on your hands.
It's a good opportunity to maybe
fill in some of these gaps in your life.
Find meaning in new ways.
You know, some of my patients
find meaning by giving back to
the community, helping others.
- Hmm. Like volunteer stuff?
- Yeah, it can be very therapeutic
and rewarding.
I have this one patient who
volunteered at a library,
then started a book exchange program,
then ended up writing a book about that.
Then she donated the
proceeds of the book...
Okay, we get it. She's
your favorite patient.
- You want to kiss her. La, la, la.
- Yeah, you got me.
She's my favorite patient and
I want to kiss her, la, la, la.
Rebecca.
Think of all the time and
energy you spend in your life
on romantic relationships.
I have clocked a lot of hours.
Okay. You can take that
passion, that intensity,
and focus and redirect it
into more productive endeavors.
Huh.
God, I've never thought of that before.
Maybe you're right.
♪ 10,000 hours in anything ♪
♪ Makes you an expert ♪
♪ And I've spent way more time
than that frettin' over guys ♪
♪ I've got a BFA, an MFA ♪
♪ And a PhD in obsession ♪
♪ And now I find myself ♪
♪ Wondering why ♪
♪ I could have used that
time to cure leukemia ♪
♪ I could have used that
time to clean the seas ♪
♪ I could have taught some
teens awareness of bulimia ♪
♪ I could have saved the
pandas, whales and bees ♪
♪ Without love, you
can save the world ♪
♪ Put those hours
to good use instead ♪
♪ Without love, you
can save the world ♪
♪ Sing out, branch out ♪
♪ Get out of your own head... ♪
Hey, guys.
- Peace.
- Peace and love.
- But not love.
- (laughter)
♪ Love's a real time suck ♪
♪ It really gets your mind stuck ♪
♪ On things that, later
on, you'll be like ♪
♪ Why? ♪
♪ Like when's he gonna text? ♪
♪ Or when will I see him next? ♪
♪ Then suddenly the
lakes have all gone dry ♪
♪ And it's all your fault ♪
♪ Without love ♪
♪ You can save the world ♪
♪ Save the world ♪
♪ Clear space in your
brain for better things ♪
♪ Better things ♪
♪ Without love ♪
♪ You can save the world ♪
♪ Save the world ♪
♪ Not being tied to a bed ♪
♪ Can really give you wings ♪
♪ Conserve your mental energy ♪
♪ To research conserving energy ♪
♪ Don't raise hell ♪
♪ Raise money for local schools ♪
HEATHER: ♪ Now that
you've got time ♪
♪ Take the leash off your hog ♪
♪ And use that leash
to walk rescue dogs ♪
♪ Love is blind ♪
♪ But without love ♪
♪ You can actually help the blind ♪
♪ It's an asexual utopia ♪
♪ Without love ♪
♪ You can save the world ♪
♪ Save the world ♪
♪ Forget who you did ♪
♪ Think about what you can do ♪
♪ What you can do ♪
♪ Without love, you
can save the world ♪
♪ Save the world ♪
♪ Change doesn't start with him ♪
♪ Change starts ♪
♪ With you ♪
♪ It starts with you ♪
♪ Not who you screw ♪
♪ Not who you screw ♪
♪ It starts with you ♪
♪ Without love. ♪
So, Darryl and I agreed
that we should be friends,
but then I've texted him a couple times
and he hasn't texted me back all day.
I just... I... I feel like friends
should text friends back.
Sure, but you guys are not friends.
He just dumped you, dude.
What are you talking about?
I didn't get dumped.
It was mutual.
(laughs) Yeah, right. Mutual.
You take back those air quotes.
Okay.
- Joshua.
- Dude.
Everyone knows there's no
such thing as a mutual breakup.
Yes, there is.
Okay, so, maybe he said
the words technically
before I said the
words, but it's like when
you're on the phone and
you're having a conversation,
and you want that conversation to end,
someone has to say the word "good-bye"
before the other person says good-bye,
but you're doing it together.
Who talks on the phone?
What, are you like a hundred?
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Oh, I-I got it.
Dude, what's that?
Uh... oh. Since when do you have money?
I got a job.
Doing what?
I'm... a... fireman.
A volunteer fireman.
Wait, so you get paid to volunteer?
Yeah, I save lives for money
and I got to go, so good...
Good-bye.
See? We just did it.
Mutual.
(sighs)
(sighs)
There he is.
Get in here.
Oh, that's what I need.
A big old Paula hug
because... Because your
fertilization didn't take again?
Another wasted egg. I'm sorry.
Now, how did you know that?
I just found out myself.
- Mrs. Hernandez.
- What?
She listens in on all
the Whitefeather calls
like an old-timey operator.
I call her Mrs. Hearnandez.
But she's right. I mean,
my sperm is just way too active.
I have a medical condition
called super sperm.
Who named that condition?
A ten-year-old doctor?
My sperm is just too strong.
I mean, it gets in the Petri dish
and it just whizzes around going, Aah!
Banging into the glass.
It's like a bird flying into a window
over and over.
Okay, no, you have weird goop. I get it.
And I can't afford another egg.
They're so expensive.
I've already sold my whole
Southwestern collection.
I considered moving onto
my Southeastern collection,
but that's really just
a Miami Vice T-shirt
and a stuffed moccasin snake.
Well, you have other stuff to sell.
What about your above-ground pool?
Oh, it's riddled with spiders.
- Calf-massager ottoman?
- Broke months ago.
- Electric soft-bonnet hair dryer?
- I can't get rid of that.
I mean, how do you expect
me to have this shine,
this volume, this lustrous texture?
- Darryl?
- Hmm?
I know you.
And if you want this,
you will find a way.
Hey, guys, guess what.
Maya had a three-way and
Tim's mother has diabetes.
Are you sick of limp, dull hair?
Because if you are,
all you need is the trusty...
soft-bonnet hair dryer.
And it can be yours for just $500.
No, thanks.
Oh, please? I am so desperate for cash.
Sorry. I need to get back to work.
JIM: Hey.
- Hey. Psst, hey.
- Turn around.
- Psst. Come here. Over here.
- Hey. Hey.
- Come talk to us. Psst.
- Hey. Hey. Psst.
- Hey.
- Psst. Hey.
Heard you're looking
for a little cheese?
Oh, I never want just a little cheese.
I mean, I get a muenster open,
and I'll just finish the whole thing.
- What?
- What?
The red hat dance is at midnight.
Huh?
Meet us here at 2:00 a.m.
But you said midnight.
That's an expression.
And bring two bills.
What?
20 Hamiltons?
MRS. HERNANDEZ: Oh, God.
We're playing poker
tomorrow night at 2:00 a.m.
Bring $200.
Yeah.
You can try to win some
of the money Tim needs
for his big old dying mom.
We play for keeps.
For keeps...
I'm in.
So I was thinking that I could
volunteer at a soup kitchen,
but you know how I feel about soup.
Then, I was thinking adult literacy,
but if they can't read by
the time they're adults,
I mean, there's something
else going on there,
and I cannot take that on.
Then, I thought I could sort clothes
at a donation center.
Eh... if I see one crusty
stain, I'm not eating for weeks.
Wow, your altruism is really incredible.
Thank you.
Hola, chicas.
Thanks for letting me use your Internet.
- Mm-hmm.
- Can you believe that coffee shop?
I need to buy something? (scoffs)
(A) I don't have any money.
(B) I don't have any money.
(C) How many times do I need to say it?
No money.
I cannot buy your eight-dollar scones.
Wait, I thought you booked
that engagement party.
I did, but it's pretty low-budg,
and I don't get all my
money until it's over.
So, I have to do everything by myself.
I have no help.
This party-planning business,
it's not exactly thriving.
And you refuse to do anything for free.
Yeah, I suck.
Wait, you're looking for help?
You need free help?
So you're looking for a volunteer.
Um, I'll do it.
Yes. Hooray.
Get excited.
This is kismet, this is bashert.
That's Jew for kismet. I'm in!
I'll do it! I'll help!
What are we doing again?
Uh... (blows raspberry)
Who ordered these for me?
I did not order them.
(laughs)
I mean... (coughs)
Well, now... (coughs)
that I've coughed on 'em,
I should probably just...
eat 'em.
(sighs)
I'm not eating fries.
Oh, God. Me neither.
Yuck. I said celery.
The service here is wack!
How have you been?
Haven't seen you around the office
since you, uh, got dumped.
Dumped? Who said that?
Was it Mrs. Hernandez?
She's a filthy liar.
No. No, it was mutual.
That is a thing. You
know? A mutual breakup.
Oh, you don't have to
explain that to me. (chuckles)
I'm going through the same
thing right now with Rebecca.
A mutual... parting.
See? You know what I'm talking about.
And also, as if someone like Rebecca
would be the one to break
up with someone like you.
I mean, you're you and she's... her.
The same, if-if not more so about you.
I mean... (scoffs)
As if Darryl...
Darryl. Yeah.
Darryl?
- Darryl.
- Okay, I did date him.
I-I'm just saying that he's in
no position to turn you down.
- At all.
- Um, excuse me, did one of you guys
call one of my servers wack?
Hmm?
Yes...
So, A) What decade are we in?
And B) You did not order celery,
you literally ordered fries.
And so did you.
I... Do you need me to rewind
the security camera footage?
No. No, thank you.
- Okay.
- WHITE JOSH: Sorry.
(whistles) Okay.
(laughing): So we
ordered fries. You know?
Yeah. So, you know,
despite the, uh, mutual-ness
of our breakups,
we were still feeling a little bit down.
You know? We're only human.
Are we, though?
I mean, people like you and
me, we don't eat disgusting food
to make ourselves feel better.
It doesn't even work, anyway.
You know, you're right. It doesn't work.
You feel worse.
You feel like a worthless, pathetic,
flabby little fat kid who's
running around the playground,
and all the kids are screaming at him
and pointing at him and chasing him
and calling him the Tubby
Tubster tel the time.
That didn't happen to me.
I heard a story about that.
Ah. You know what? I have an idea.
I have this new in-home
gym system called the ShredFlex.
- It's the newest, latest model...
- Wait, wait, wait.
- The ShredFlex 5000?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. I have been trying
to get this in my gym
and it has been on back-order forever.
Well, I have it.
In matte black.
Like the Batmobile?
Yes. Let's do this, man.
Let's do a seven-day cleanse
and shred and flex our way into
the best shape of our lives.
Yeah. That'll make us feel great.
It'll make us feel amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
- I love where your head's at, man.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Let's O.D. on endorphins, bro!
- Yeah!
- Okay.
- (grunts)
- (laughs)
Hey! Idiots!
- Yep. So sorry.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Let's clean that up.
- Good call.
Oh. We shouldn't have done that.
(door opens)
Hey, hey!
You'll never believe this.
I balanced your books.
And you were right.
You only have about $800...
Or 100 scones... Left in the bank.
And after I balanced your books,
I balanced my own checkbook.
And I only have about 30
scones left in the bank.
It turns out, I spent tens of
thousands of dollars on Josh.
Anyway, water under the bridge.
What can I do for you next?
Well, I have a meeting with
the bride and groom now.
Great. I will come as your
assistant. It'll be perfect.
I will take notes, I will interrupt you
with fake appointments
to make you look cool,
I will interrupt
with fake phone calls... oh.
Uh, Ms. Perez, I have
Susan Faludi on line one.
Yeah. Who?
Susan Faludi. She wrote
Backlash. It was seminal.
Anyway... please?
I want to be helpful and productive.
Look how snappy I look.
Hmm.
An assistant would make me look fancy.
Okay, sure.
Let's do it.
NATHANIEL: Do it! Do it!
Come on, five more. You got this.
(straining): Oh, my arms
are starting to burn.
Yeah. That's just the
fat crying out in pain.
Come on, you fat little boy.
You pudgy little blubber ball.
Mr. Tubby Tubster!
- That is so mean!
- Yeah. Three,
- two... one! Come on!
- Ah...
- Impressive.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, thanks, man.
Get in there.
Here we go.
What do the spikes do, exactly?
Well, they scare the
fat out of your body.
- Ah.
- (clears throat)
- (grunts)
- There we go.
- Two.
- Come on, man. Come on.
- Three.
- Attaboy. Looking good.
Big push.
(grunts)
Go! Go! Go!
You call that effort, daddy's boy?
Maybe if you burn off
some of that disgusting,
white jiggly fat, your
father will finally love you!
(shouts)
There we go. There we go.
(panting) You're good.
Thanks.
VALENCIA: Hello.
Rebecca? What are you doing here?
Hey. You-you guys know each other?
Yeah. Oh, Marty and I go way back.
He works at the market,
dusting potatoes.
Not anymore.
I'm a produce manager now.
I like to say I'm a producer.
(laughter)
Ooh. Rebecca.
This is Ally.
Oh, my God... You're marrying Ally?
I heard you were in love with her,
but she was into that
rude grocery clerk.
The one who came to my party.
I'm not gonna say it, but
the one with, you know.
Brody. Yeah. We broke up.
And Marty was there.
So here we are.
Isn't that a great story?
Oh, I love when you tell it.
Mwah. (grunts)
MARTY: Sorry to hear about
you and Josh, by the way.
Mrs. Hernandez said it didn't work out.
You know Mrs. Hernandez?
She comes in on Thursdays,
buys a single peach.
Strange woman.
So, anyway, back to me
and my business. Yes.
And your engagement party.
Yeah, we're on a budget.
I mean, I'm the bread
manager at the market,
so I make more than Marty.
So you're the breadwinner.
No. I'm the bread manager.
Between us, we don't
have that much dough.
(laughs)
(chuckles)
That's funny.
How is that funny?
I think it's a bummer.
Don't you worry.
Your budget is not an issue,
because we can do the event economically
right here at Home Base.
I call it
Beer and Brats at the Base.
A SoCal Oktoberfest
without the nasty Germans.
Oktoberfests are very trendy right now.
I heard that Prince
Harry and his Northwestern
theater major fiancée
love a good O-fest.
MARTY: Yeah.
That sounds really great.
Uh...
What do you think, Ally?
Sure.
If that's what we can afford.
I mean, it's not like either
of us manages the meat.
So neither of you brings home the bacon?
No. I don't like bacon, so
he doesn't bring it home.
Oh, lady, you're killing me.
Babe, as long as we're
celebrating our love,
I don't care where we are.
I just want everyone to
know we found each other.
- Mmm...
- Mmm...
Okay. People are watching.
Oh. That's enough.
VALENCIA: Excellent.
Great. We'll keep in touch.
MARTY: We will. I'm excited. Bye, guys.
Okay. Bye.
Okay. What are we gonna do?
- Uh... ?
- We can't plan that party.
That is a pass. It's a clear pass.
What are you talking about?
Eh, Valencia, did you not see them
and their whole dynamic?
I mean, she's only marrying
him as some kind of rebound
or consolation prize.
All I know is she does not love Marty.
First, I didn't notice that.
But even if you're right,
then I hope they get married
and we do their wedding,
and then we do
their ironic divorce parties, and then
their second weddings.
That's how you build a business.
Oh, wha... I... I cannot
believe you right now.
Really. I can't believe,
that, considering
what you and I have
been through with men,
specifically Josh Chan,
you would let someone marry a
person that does not love them
and might, oh, I don't know,
leave them at the altar?
That is not on us.
Not at all.
All right. You know what?
I signed up to do good
and to help people.
And Marty needs my help now.
Where are you going?
I am going to warn Marty,
the way that I wish
someone had warned me.
Nope, nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope, nope.
You move, you die.
Also, everyone warned you.
Okay? Please.
This is my last shot to
keep this business afloat.
You wanted to help me, please help me.
(insects chirping)
(grunting, muttering)
Of course he won, he's
got God on his side.
Mm-hmm. (laughs)
(knocking)
Is this the poker game?
I wore a red hat as requested.
Red hat was a code.
Not a dress code?
- No.
- Oops.
Okay.
I would like to turn this
money into more money, please.
BRAH: I'll take that.
- Thank you.
- TIM: Yeah.
Let's do this.
Mama needs some new insulin.
(whoops)
Actually, she really does.
Her blood sugar is all over the place.
Okay, belly up to the bar, boys.
Oh, I'm so scared, Father.
Oh, I am not Father tonight.
Tonight you will call me Daddy.
- Okay. You ready?
- Ooh. Okay.
Day seven. Time to face the music.
Yeah. I'm ready.
All right.
(exhales sharply)
Time to measure that body fat.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
- This is insane.
- What do we got?
You're down 1.2%.
- What? Whoa! That is crazy.
- (laughs): Yeah.
That's like Efron territory.
That's like Baywatch Efron.
Not-not High School
Musical dough-boy Efron.
- No.
- (blows raspberry)
- Okay. All right. My turn.
- Yeah.
Here we go. (clears throat)
Here we go. Yep.
- Oh, I'm nervous.
- Okay.
No, you got this.
- Oof.
- What?
- Sorry, dude.
- Damn it!
I ate a banana.
Why do they put bananas
in the fruit section?
They should be in the candy section.
I'm a candy-eating child.
- Yeah, no, this is bad.
- (groans)
You're only down 1.3%.
- What? Really?
- (laughing): Yeah!
- Yes, dude.
- You were, you were kidding just now?
- I was kidding just now!
- (whoops)
- Come on!
- Yeah!
That means that we both
beat our personal records.
Yes, we did!
- (whoops)
- Yeah!
You know what we should
do? We should get out there.
We should go get hit on.
Yeah, we should. We should.
We can't keep this chiseled
perfection locked away in here.
Mm-mm. No, we should
take these sculptures out
on a walking tour.
Better yet, let's take
these sculptures to a museum,
put 'em on display.
We're talking about
going to a bar, right?
No, I thought we'd go
to an actual museum,
maybe take an audio tour,
swing by the gift shop,
buy a book, or something.
- Really?
- Yeah, no, I'm talking about a bar.
- Oh.
- Come on. Let's go, you sexy dum-dum.
Okay.
WOMAN: Eyes up!
MAN: Foul ball!
Ally's so cold and distant.
It's like she's got
one foot out the door.
And have you noticed how
Marty always texts us back,
like, right away, but
Ally only texts back things
like busy or K
or L, which I think
is just a typo for K.
So what?
(grunts) Valencia.
I just have a gut feeling.
Stop it, please.
This is all you've talked
about for the past week.
Yeah, but I've only
aired my doubts to you;
I haven't said anything to Marty.
Because they are not real.
And even if they were,
- I don't care.
- (Marty laughs)
Now they're here.
Pull yourself together.
(exhales)
Well, slap me with a schnitzel.
This looks amazing.
- Valencia, you outdid yourself.
- (phone vibrates)
Ah.
- Didn't she, Ally?
- (laughs)
Sorry, it's the beverage manager.
He's kind of funny, but it's
like, Why are you texting me?
- I'm engaged.
- (laughs)
Uh... Wow.
(laughs)
Say nothing.
(laughs)
VALENCIA: Okay.
(exhales)
So I told WiJo I was a volunteer
fireman, but that's a lie.
You're not?
I'm not totally a fireman.
Okay, so you're a,
you're a partial fireman?
Josh... what job do you have?
Wha... it's not about the
job, it's about my future.
- What do you mean?
- I mean...
everyone around me seems to
know what they want to be,
and I don't.
It makes me feel so bad.
So, whenever I'm at my job,
which, again, is somewhat
but not completely
like being a fireman...
Uh-huh.
... I feel so sorry for myself.
Like, I want to cry.
Okay. Well, there's nothing
wrong with crying, man.
Especially for someone
in your situation,
which, you know, as I understand it,
is being kind of sort of
a paid volunteer fireman...
Mm-hmm.
... things can get really rough.
Yeah.
- Yeah, they are.
- Yeah.
Thanks. You get it.
Yeah. And, dude, whatever you're doing,
you look great. (chuckles)
Like, any actual fireman
would be super happy
to have your body.
Thanks. It's hard to look this good.
Uh-huh.
(dance music playing)
Whoa.
- Lot of dudes at this place.
- Yeah.
- Some are kissing.
- That's cool.
Oh, yeah, no, it's a gay bar.
Which is great for me, but it's
also actually great for you,
'cause bachelorette
parties, girls' nights out,
girls who like to dance in a circle.
I don't know. They're all here.
(whooping)
Oh, yeah, look at this, huh?
- Cool.
- No. Not cool. It's actually horrible.
Straight girls are ruining
the best part about being gay.
This used to be the one
place that belonged to us,
but whatever.
Tonight... it works for both of us.
So, uh, come on.
- Let's do this.
- Okay.
(Tim sighs)
DARRYL: Ooh!
Ante, ante, show your fanny,
make that money and turn it into honey.
We're not ante-ing, idiot.
Dude, you won last week.
- Should've just called it a day.
- BRAH: Yeah, also,
if you act like that,
no one's gonna feel bad
about taking your money.
Oh, you're just sore, because last week,
I won a K and a G,
and some soon-to-be,
God willing, Tubmans.
And this week I'm gonna
double and triple that.
Papa needs a baby.
Someone is gonna knife
you in the parking lot.
Okay. Aces are up, deuces are wild.
Give me some money to buy my child!
(laughs)
(clears throat) That
did not come out right.
I would never purchase a child.
I think that trafficking is
society's greatest scourge.
Read 'em and weep.
Sevens and fives.
(groans)
I got a flush.
ALL: Oh!
- (laughter)
- Oh.
Damn her and her lucky peach.
DARRYL: My egg money.
Oh, no.
(festive German music playing)
I wrote a song for you.
It's called Punch
the Time Card of My Heart.
Awesome. I'd love to read it later.
Oh, I was gonna sing it.
Honey,
there are people here.
(Heather groans)
I hate how much I'm
pulling this look off.
Wait, what are you doing?
You're supposed to be
passing out the wieners.
(laughs) Wieners.
But, so I'm the only one working?
I know, I...
My services are needed
elsewhere right now.
Rebecca. What are you doing?
Slap on a smile and
pass out those sausages.
I see some frauleins
and herrs without food.
Don't mess this up for me.
Later, hosen.
(sighs)
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
(ringtone plays)
You're late.
When are you getting here?
Bring someone, so it
doesn't look suspicious.
(gasps)
Dude.
That guy you were dancing with is hot.
(laughing): Yeah! Yeah.
- And your girl.
- Oh.
- Smoking.
- They want to go home with us.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, they do.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yep.
So why don't I want to?
I don't know. I don't want to, either.
Do you think it's because of
our completely mutual breakups?
(chuckles)
Who are we kidding, dude?
We got dumped.
Yeah.
We did.
Ugh.
Yeah.
Onion rings?
Hundo P.
Hi.
BRODY: Marty and Ally.
At long last,
your epic love story
has reached fruition.
Fruit, produce?
Grocery store... okay. No?
Too smart? All right.
To continue, um, Ally,
once you were mine,
and then Marty here
came and took you away,
with his...
weird songs and his big hair, I guess?
I mean, nobody gets it, right?
But I think the important thing is that
I had a very big part
in your love story, and
so I kind of feel like...
I don't understand.
What am I telling people?
Just act like you're my date.
That's what I'm paying you for.
BRODY: What is this venue?
It's like a sad restaurant
attached to a batting cage?
But they say love's
a lot like a pretzel.
You know? It's twisty
and it's turny, and...
once the salt's gone, it's pretty bland.
So, good luck, guys. Anyways,
speaking of Oktoberfest, who
here loves Angela Merkel, huh?
Chancellor? I hardly know her.
(laughs)
Anyway, I'm single.
♪ ♪
NATHANIEL: Those onion
rings were disgusting.
WHITE JOSH: Yeah.
Being dumped sucks, man.
Worse than your pecs feel
after, like, 50-pound flyes.
Oh, to me, it's more like how you feel
after a one-rep squat PR.
Mm.
- Yep.
- Yep.
Excuse me? (laughing) Hi!
Can you guys be sad somewhere else?
Hi. This is my girl Sherry.
She's wearing Spanx tonight
'cause we is out on the town. All right?
And me, I'm getting married,
if you want to buy me a
dranky-drank-drank-drank.
So, yeah, you guys are
killing the vibe in here.
This bar is not for you, there
are straight bars everywhere!
Yeah, they're called bars.
Uh, God, what's their problem?
(scoffs) They don't have problems.
Do you see how hot they are?
Guys like this
- don't have real problems. Mm.
- (laughs)
(women laughing)
- No one understands.
- No one understands.
- ♪ One ♪
- ♪ Two ♪
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ We know what people
think when they see us ♪
♪ That we're so hot, it's insane ♪
♪ Ayne, ayne, ayne ♪
♪ When we exit a pool ♪
♪ We do it in slow motion ♪
♪ But that don't mean
we can't complain ♪
♪ 'Cause fit, hot guys
have problems, too ♪
♪ Don't look at us ♪
♪ We're not dancing for you ♪
♪ This is our quiet,
personal time to reflect ♪
♪ Flect, flect, flect ♪
♪ We both have almost no body fat ♪
♪ But we're too bummed
out to talk about that ♪
♪ I know we look ♪
♪ So much better than you ♪
♪ But fit, hot guys
have problems, too ♪
- ♪ Uh! ♪
- (crying)
♪ Everyone is at our sexual mercy ♪
♪ Be them a mister ♪
♪ Or miss ♪
♪ Miss, miss, miss ♪
♪ But when we're down on our knees ♪
♪ No one has sympathy ♪
♪ Because they only see this ♪
- ♪ And this ♪
- ♪ And this ♪
♪ And this ♪
♪ And this ♪
♪ But what about this? ♪
♪ 'Cause fit, hot guys
have problems, too ♪
♪ Don't look at us ♪
♪ We're not dancing for you ♪
♪ It's just hard ♪
♪ To process emotions
with our clothes on ♪
♪ Clothes on, clothes
on, clothes on ♪
♪ Our pecs are perfect,
but we have bad days ♪
♪ So don't objectify us ♪
♪ With your male and female gaze ♪
♪ We have childhood traumas ♪
♪ Just like you ♪
♪ 'Cause fit, hot guys
have problems, too ♪
♪ Uh... ♪
Give us back our shirts, you monsters.
Yeah, what's wrong with you?!
- Come on, guys.
- Who's got it?
(audience cheering, whistling)
Uh, Josh?
No.
Hold on, are you, are
you actually here?
Like, in reality?
Uh, yeah.
This is my new job.
I'm a go-go dancer at this club.
That's what you meant
by volunteer fireman.
Okay, got it.
You want to join our
imaginary song and dance?
Sure.
♪ 'Cause fit, hot guys
have problems, too ♪
♪ Don't look at us ♪
♪ We're not dancing for you ♪
♪ Leave us alone ♪
♪ We have to twerk out our sad ♪
♪ Sad, sad, sad, sad, sad ♪
♪ Sad, sad ♪
♪ We're expressing our pain ♪
♪ Through the art of dance ♪
♪ But we'll express so much better ♪
♪ Without these pants ♪
♪ There's so much pressure ♪
♪ When you're a fit, hot guy ♪
♪ So just let us ugly cry... ♪
(crying)
♪ Let us ugly cry. ♪
(crying)
Oh, God! Oh!
(all crying)
Hey, have you seen Ally?
Seen? Is that supposed
to be an eye joke?
No.
(Ally laughs)
(sighs)
Ahem.
(clears throat)
Oh, yeah, it's classic drywall.
It's flat. It's dry.
Uh... it's a wall.
What is wrong with you?
Why are you cheating on the
person you're about to marry?
God, you don't even seem to like him.
He doesn't deserve this. He's a person.
I just want to be married.
All my friends are married.
I'm not ready for commitment.
Okay, that's it.
I'm putting a stop to this.
Dude.
Why didn't you tell me
you were working the pole?
I'm not a stripper.
I'm a go-go dancer.
There's no pole.
Actually, I wish there was.
It would make the whole fireman
thing a whole lot better.
Hmm. I-I was embarrassed.
I-I didn't want to
ruin your opinion of me.
You guys put me up on a
pedestal and think I'm perfect.
No, no. No one thinks that.
NATHANIEL: Hey, Josh.
Josh, this is Mona.
We know each other from Stanford.
Isn't that an amazing coincidence?
She's here with her old sorority sisters
doing a little scavenger hunt.
Seriously, they should just
burn all these places down.
Hi, Joshes.
Nat, I'm gonna go say
bye to my friends, okay?
Okay.
You, uh, you going home with her?
Yeah. I figured why not?
You know?
I already gave her my boxers
for the scavenger hunt,
so I'm halfway there.
Yeah.
You going home?
Uh... yeah.
Yeah, I'm good.
You sure? You don't want
to go back inside and find someone, too?
Oh, yeah, totally.
This place doesn't just have hot girls.
It also has tons of gay guys.
Huh?
VALENCIA: Now let's hear
from Marty's grandmother.
Aw. Yay.
All right, give me that, Grandma.
- (guests booing)
- MAN: Hey, come on.
But that's my grandma.
Oh, you know what, you should thank me.
She was gonna rap.
Oh, no.
Ally.
This toast is from me.
Sit your ass down, bitch.
(guests murmuring)
(chuckles nervously)
What's wrong?
I'm here today...
... to talk about love.
Love, uh...
can be an amazing thing.
And when you're in it,
it's the most wonderful
feeling in the world.
(clears throat) I've been
doing a lot of thinking
about love in general lately.
Uh...
And, ah, screw it.
I tried, Valencia. I'm sorry.
Okay, Marty, Ally's cheating on you.
She's cheating on you with that guy
over there, and it's very obvious,
so it's a little on
you for not noticing,
but, Marty, I can't
have this happen to you
'cause it happened to
me and no one warned me.
Um, everyone warned her.
Like, everyone.
Okay, just... Marty,
I know this is a shock,
and you love her, and
that feels wonderful,
and we tell ourselves that that
feeling is some higher calling,
but the truth is,
Marty, love can hurt you
and it can be very, very dangerous.
My obsession with love
almost cost me my life.
So, I know this... I know it hurts.
But, Marty, I just freed you.
You're free.
The rest of your life begins now.
Rebecca, I already knew about BevBro.
I-I've written 12 songs about it.
They include Two-Liter Two-Timer,
Six Pack of Pain, and
A Carbonated Crime.
I don't care.
I love her.
I'll take what I can get.
She makes me happy...
and that's all that matters.
And it's none of your business.
It's okay.
Oh, hey, Darryl.
Oh, hey, Rebecca.
You're eating a plain cake donut?
- Oh.
- What's wrong?
I don't deserve sprinkles.
- What?
- I gambled all my money away.
- Oh.
- (groans)
You know why they call
it beginner's luck?
Because it doesn't work
the second time you try it.
What's up with you?
You don't look so hot yourself.
(sighing): It's the usual.
I'm just, I'm broken and terrible.
It turns out I'm not only
good at ruining my own life,
I'm really good at... ruining
other people's lives.
Oh.
I tried to help Valencia
with her new business and I just...
I royally screwed up.
And she said she forgives me,
but...
she's had to forgive me so
many times at this point.
I really am the worst.
What? No, you're not.
You're no such thing.
You're actually one
of my favorite people.
- Thank you.
- Top five.
Oh, Darryl.
You always make me feel better.
The first second I came here,
you've been so nice to me.
I'd do anything for you.
You know that, right?
Hey...
PAULA: Wow, really?
You're donating an egg to Darryl?
That's... huge.
Is it, though?
They're just gonna pop
out one of my eggies,
put it in someone else's oven,
someone else will raise it.
It's a lot easier than
teaching a poor person to read.
I mean, I don't mean poor. Sorry.
- I mean dumb.
- Right.
Rebecca, I-I know you
want to help Darryl,
but how is this gonna
affect your therapy?
Have you talked to
Dr. Shin or your group?
And is now the time to
be shooting up hormones?
I mean, your regular period is
like the Northridge earthquake.
Lots of screaming and
crying and broken dishes.
Paula, I hear your
questions and concerns,
but I promise you, I
have thought this through.
Have you, though?
No, not at all.
♪ This is what you've done to me ♪
♪ Crazy is how your
loving makes me feel ♪
♪ This is what I always want to be ♪
♪ I like it when a
girl gets crazy in bed ♪
♪ Don't mess with the bitch
who's crazy in the head ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
- ♪ You don't ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
- ♪ And you don't ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
♪ To clarify, yes, no on the crazy ♪
♪ We hope this helps. ♪
What?
Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
Maybe having a baby
started out as a whim,
but it's what I want for my life now.
And you don't want a baby.
Oh, wait, so this is... ?
Yeah, I guess it is.
JOSH: Why are you making me move?
I don't want to move.
I'm just going through a tough time.
- Too much change.
- Josh is the worst.
You know, I can't even book
another wedding because of him.
His jilting you has
completely ruined my business.
Can I help you, ma'am?
Me and Ally? I wish.
I don't have a shot.
I mean, look at her.
There's no baby.
It is really expensive
to buy those huevos.
I can only do it, like, once a year.
REBECCA: The way I am with Nathaniel
is nothing like the way I was with Josh.
But doesn't it feel like you're
repeating some old patterns?
Rebecca, what's wrong?
I have to do something
I've never done before.
What? (exhales)
Come on in.
You look upset.
So, you said you wanted to do something
you'd never done before.
What is it, like a sex thing?
I mean, I don't know what else
is still on the table for us.
(laughs) Oh, God, please
don't make me laugh.
Oh, it's only gonna
make it more difficult.
What do you mean?
Okay. Okay, so here's the thing.
I don't know how to like someone
without being obsessed with them.
Okay? So...
it happened with Josh
and now it's starting
to happen with you,
and I can't go down that road again.
It's a nightmare.
Okay, well, I'm not Josh.
(chuckles) Okay?
This isn't bad obsessed.
This is good obsessed.
I-I-I like it.
I-I find it flattering.
No, no, but, Nathaniel,
think about all the stuff I
did just in the last few days.
I mean, really,
I-I hounded your father.
I insisted you had a secret sibling.
I stole your shirt so I could
wear it all day and smell it.
Look, we talked about all that.
It's in the past.
And I didn't know about the shirt thing,
but, again, kind of cute.
Okay, cute, yes, it starts out as cute,
but then it escalates.
It escalates to-to bad things,
like-like burning down houses
and abducting some people's moms
and sleeping with other people's dads.
- Whoa, what?
- Not your dad.
Although, I mean, he does have kind of
like a silver fox thing going on.
He's very neggy, which I like.
Point is, the point is...
I-I just can't be with
you right now... or anyone.
Okay, look, I-I don't
want to get in the way
of your therapy thing,
but isn't the whole point
of all this to be happy?
We're happy. That's what matters.
I'm happy, but it's not real.
It's... it's a high.
- It's infatuation.
- Wait.
Are... are you breaking
up with me right now?
No. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just saying that we...
... I'm just saying that we
can't be together or go out
or talk on the phone or have sex
or... kiss or snuggle or cuddle.
Um...
so, I'm sorry.
(crying): I have to, I
have to, I have to go.
No, no, no, wait, Rebecca.
You can't just...
The hell just happened?
REBECCA: So, I can't do anything.
I can't be in a romantic relationship
because I'm literally incapable of it.
And I'm not ready to go back to work,
so I got nothing to do all day.
You know what I did yesterday?
I-I threw out all my old
spices and bought new ones.
I don't even cook.
I just smelled them all
and I tried to smoke the marjoram.
Rebecca, you made a hard
choice ending your relationship.
Now you have some time on your hands.
It's a good opportunity to maybe
fill in some of these gaps in your life.
Find meaning in new ways.
You know, some of my patients
find meaning by giving back to
the community, helping others.
- Hmm. Like volunteer stuff?
- Yeah, it can be very therapeutic
and rewarding.
I have this one patient who
volunteered at a library,
then started a book exchange program,
then ended up writing a book about that.
Then she donated the
proceeds of the book...
Okay, we get it. She's
your favorite patient.
- You want to kiss her. La, la, la.
- Yeah, you got me.
She's my favorite patient and
I want to kiss her, la, la, la.
Rebecca.
Think of all the time and
energy you spend in your life
on romantic relationships.
I have clocked a lot of hours.
Okay. You can take that
passion, that intensity,
and focus and redirect it
into more productive endeavors.
Huh.
God, I've never thought of that before.
Maybe you're right.
♪ 10,000 hours in anything ♪
♪ Makes you an expert ♪
♪ And I've spent way more time
than that frettin' over guys ♪
♪ I've got a BFA, an MFA ♪
♪ And a PhD in obsession ♪
♪ And now I find myself ♪
♪ Wondering why ♪
♪ I could have used that
time to cure leukemia ♪
♪ I could have used that
time to clean the seas ♪
♪ I could have taught some
teens awareness of bulimia ♪
♪ I could have saved the
pandas, whales and bees ♪
♪ Without love, you
can save the world ♪
♪ Put those hours
to good use instead ♪
♪ Without love, you
can save the world ♪
♪ Sing out, branch out ♪
♪ Get out of your own head... ♪
Hey, guys.
- Peace.
- Peace and love.
- But not love.
- (laughter)
♪ Love's a real time suck ♪
♪ It really gets your mind stuck ♪
♪ On things that, later
on, you'll be like ♪
♪ Why? ♪
♪ Like when's he gonna text? ♪
♪ Or when will I see him next? ♪
♪ Then suddenly the
lakes have all gone dry ♪
♪ And it's all your fault ♪
♪ Without love ♪
♪ You can save the world ♪
♪ Save the world ♪
♪ Clear space in your
brain for better things ♪
♪ Better things ♪
♪ Without love ♪
♪ You can save the world ♪
♪ Save the world ♪
♪ Not being tied to a bed ♪
♪ Can really give you wings ♪
♪ Conserve your mental energy ♪
♪ To research conserving energy ♪
♪ Don't raise hell ♪
♪ Raise money for local schools ♪
HEATHER: ♪ Now that
you've got time ♪
♪ Take the leash off your hog ♪
♪ And use that leash
to walk rescue dogs ♪
♪ Love is blind ♪
♪ But without love ♪
♪ You can actually help the blind ♪
♪ It's an asexual utopia ♪
♪ Without love ♪
♪ You can save the world ♪
♪ Save the world ♪
♪ Forget who you did ♪
♪ Think about what you can do ♪
♪ What you can do ♪
♪ Without love, you
can save the world ♪
♪ Save the world ♪
♪ Change doesn't start with him ♪
♪ Change starts ♪
♪ With you ♪
♪ It starts with you ♪
♪ Not who you screw ♪
♪ Not who you screw ♪
♪ It starts with you ♪
♪ Without love. ♪
So, Darryl and I agreed
that we should be friends,
but then I've texted him a couple times
and he hasn't texted me back all day.
I just... I... I feel like friends
should text friends back.
Sure, but you guys are not friends.
He just dumped you, dude.
What are you talking about?
I didn't get dumped.
It was mutual.
(laughs) Yeah, right. Mutual.
You take back those air quotes.
Okay.
- Joshua.
- Dude.
Everyone knows there's no
such thing as a mutual breakup.
Yes, there is.
Okay, so, maybe he said
the words technically
before I said the
words, but it's like when
you're on the phone and
you're having a conversation,
and you want that conversation to end,
someone has to say the word "good-bye"
before the other person says good-bye,
but you're doing it together.
Who talks on the phone?
What, are you like a hundred?
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Oh, I-I got it.
Dude, what's that?
Uh... oh. Since when do you have money?
I got a job.
Doing what?
I'm... a... fireman.
A volunteer fireman.
Wait, so you get paid to volunteer?
Yeah, I save lives for money
and I got to go, so good...
Good-bye.
See? We just did it.
Mutual.
(sighs)
(sighs)
There he is.
Get in here.
Oh, that's what I need.
A big old Paula hug
because... Because your
fertilization didn't take again?
Another wasted egg. I'm sorry.
Now, how did you know that?
I just found out myself.
- Mrs. Hernandez.
- What?
She listens in on all
the Whitefeather calls
like an old-timey operator.
I call her Mrs. Hearnandez.
But she's right. I mean,
my sperm is just way too active.
I have a medical condition
called super sperm.
Who named that condition?
A ten-year-old doctor?
My sperm is just too strong.
I mean, it gets in the Petri dish
and it just whizzes around going, Aah!
Banging into the glass.
It's like a bird flying into a window
over and over.
Okay, no, you have weird goop. I get it.
And I can't afford another egg.
They're so expensive.
I've already sold my whole
Southwestern collection.
I considered moving onto
my Southeastern collection,
but that's really just
a Miami Vice T-shirt
and a stuffed moccasin snake.
Well, you have other stuff to sell.
What about your above-ground pool?
Oh, it's riddled with spiders.
- Calf-massager ottoman?
- Broke months ago.
- Electric soft-bonnet hair dryer?
- I can't get rid of that.
I mean, how do you expect
me to have this shine,
this volume, this lustrous texture?
- Darryl?
- Hmm?
I know you.
And if you want this,
you will find a way.
Hey, guys, guess what.
Maya had a three-way and
Tim's mother has diabetes.
Are you sick of limp, dull hair?
Because if you are,
all you need is the trusty...
soft-bonnet hair dryer.
And it can be yours for just $500.
No, thanks.
Oh, please? I am so desperate for cash.
Sorry. I need to get back to work.
JIM: Hey.
- Hey. Psst, hey.
- Turn around.
- Psst. Come here. Over here.
- Hey. Hey.
- Come talk to us. Psst.
- Hey. Hey. Psst.
- Hey.
- Psst. Hey.
Heard you're looking
for a little cheese?
Oh, I never want just a little cheese.
I mean, I get a muenster open,
and I'll just finish the whole thing.
- What?
- What?
The red hat dance is at midnight.
Huh?
Meet us here at 2:00 a.m.
But you said midnight.
That's an expression.
And bring two bills.
What?
20 Hamiltons?
MRS. HERNANDEZ: Oh, God.
We're playing poker
tomorrow night at 2:00 a.m.
Bring $200.
Yeah.
You can try to win some
of the money Tim needs
for his big old dying mom.
We play for keeps.
For keeps...
I'm in.
So I was thinking that I could
volunteer at a soup kitchen,
but you know how I feel about soup.
Then, I was thinking adult literacy,
but if they can't read by
the time they're adults,
I mean, there's something
else going on there,
and I cannot take that on.
Then, I thought I could sort clothes
at a donation center.
Eh... if I see one crusty
stain, I'm not eating for weeks.
Wow, your altruism is really incredible.
Thank you.
Hola, chicas.
Thanks for letting me use your Internet.
- Mm-hmm.
- Can you believe that coffee shop?
I need to buy something? (scoffs)
(A) I don't have any money.
(B) I don't have any money.
(C) How many times do I need to say it?
No money.
I cannot buy your eight-dollar scones.
Wait, I thought you booked
that engagement party.
I did, but it's pretty low-budg,
and I don't get all my
money until it's over.
So, I have to do everything by myself.
I have no help.
This party-planning business,
it's not exactly thriving.
And you refuse to do anything for free.
Yeah, I suck.
Wait, you're looking for help?
You need free help?
So you're looking for a volunteer.
Um, I'll do it.
Yes. Hooray.
Get excited.
This is kismet, this is bashert.
That's Jew for kismet. I'm in!
I'll do it! I'll help!
What are we doing again?
Uh... (blows raspberry)
Who ordered these for me?
I did not order them.
(laughs)
I mean... (coughs)
Well, now... (coughs)
that I've coughed on 'em,
I should probably just...
eat 'em.
(sighs)
I'm not eating fries.
Oh, God. Me neither.
Yuck. I said celery.
The service here is wack!
How have you been?
Haven't seen you around the office
since you, uh, got dumped.
Dumped? Who said that?
Was it Mrs. Hernandez?
She's a filthy liar.
No. No, it was mutual.
That is a thing. You
know? A mutual breakup.
Oh, you don't have to
explain that to me. (chuckles)
I'm going through the same
thing right now with Rebecca.
A mutual... parting.
See? You know what I'm talking about.
And also, as if someone like Rebecca
would be the one to break
up with someone like you.
I mean, you're you and she's... her.
The same, if-if not more so about you.
I mean... (scoffs)
As if Darryl...
Darryl. Yeah.
Darryl?
- Darryl.
- Okay, I did date him.
I-I'm just saying that he's in
no position to turn you down.
- At all.
- Um, excuse me, did one of you guys
call one of my servers wack?
Hmm?
Yes...
So, A) What decade are we in?
And B) You did not order celery,
you literally ordered fries.
And so did you.
I... Do you need me to rewind
the security camera footage?
No. No, thank you.
- Okay.
- WHITE JOSH: Sorry.
(whistles) Okay.
(laughing): So we
ordered fries. You know?
Yeah. So, you know,
despite the, uh, mutual-ness
of our breakups,
we were still feeling a little bit down.
You know? We're only human.
Are we, though?
I mean, people like you and
me, we don't eat disgusting food
to make ourselves feel better.
It doesn't even work, anyway.
You know, you're right. It doesn't work.
You feel worse.
You feel like a worthless, pathetic,
flabby little fat kid who's
running around the playground,
and all the kids are screaming at him
and pointing at him and chasing him
and calling him the Tubby
Tubster tel the time.
That didn't happen to me.
I heard a story about that.
Ah. You know what? I have an idea.
I have this new in-home
gym system called the ShredFlex.
- It's the newest, latest model...
- Wait, wait, wait.
- The ShredFlex 5000?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. I have been trying
to get this in my gym
and it has been on back-order forever.
Well, I have it.
In matte black.
Like the Batmobile?
Yes. Let's do this, man.
Let's do a seven-day cleanse
and shred and flex our way into
the best shape of our lives.
Yeah. That'll make us feel great.
It'll make us feel amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
- I love where your head's at, man.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Let's O.D. on endorphins, bro!
- Yeah!
- Okay.
- (grunts)
- (laughs)
Hey! Idiots!
- Yep. So sorry.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Let's clean that up.
- Good call.
Oh. We shouldn't have done that.
(door opens)
Hey, hey!
You'll never believe this.
I balanced your books.
And you were right.
You only have about $800...
Or 100 scones... Left in the bank.
And after I balanced your books,
I balanced my own checkbook.
And I only have about 30
scones left in the bank.
It turns out, I spent tens of
thousands of dollars on Josh.
Anyway, water under the bridge.
What can I do for you next?
Well, I have a meeting with
the bride and groom now.
Great. I will come as your
assistant. It'll be perfect.
I will take notes, I will interrupt you
with fake appointments
to make you look cool,
I will interrupt
with fake phone calls... oh.
Uh, Ms. Perez, I have
Susan Faludi on line one.
Yeah. Who?
Susan Faludi. She wrote
Backlash. It was seminal.
Anyway... please?
I want to be helpful and productive.
Look how snappy I look.
Hmm.
An assistant would make me look fancy.
Okay, sure.
Let's do it.
NATHANIEL: Do it! Do it!
Come on, five more. You got this.
(straining): Oh, my arms
are starting to burn.
Yeah. That's just the
fat crying out in pain.
Come on, you fat little boy.
You pudgy little blubber ball.
Mr. Tubby Tubster!
- That is so mean!
- Yeah. Three,
- two... one! Come on!
- Ah...
- Impressive.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, thanks, man.
Get in there.
Here we go.
What do the spikes do, exactly?
Well, they scare the
fat out of your body.
- Ah.
- (clears throat)
- (grunts)
- There we go.
- Two.
- Come on, man. Come on.
- Three.
- Attaboy. Looking good.
Big push.
(grunts)
Go! Go! Go!
You call that effort, daddy's boy?
Maybe if you burn off
some of that disgusting,
white jiggly fat, your
father will finally love you!
(shouts)
There we go. There we go.
(panting) You're good.
Thanks.
VALENCIA: Hello.
Rebecca? What are you doing here?
Hey. You-you guys know each other?
Yeah. Oh, Marty and I go way back.
He works at the market,
dusting potatoes.
Not anymore.
I'm a produce manager now.
I like to say I'm a producer.
(laughter)
Ooh. Rebecca.
This is Ally.
Oh, my God... You're marrying Ally?
I heard you were in love with her,
but she was into that
rude grocery clerk.
The one who came to my party.
I'm not gonna say it, but
the one with, you know.
Brody. Yeah. We broke up.
And Marty was there.
So here we are.
Isn't that a great story?
Oh, I love when you tell it.
Mwah. (grunts)
MARTY: Sorry to hear about
you and Josh, by the way.
Mrs. Hernandez said it didn't work out.
You know Mrs. Hernandez?
She comes in on Thursdays,
buys a single peach.
Strange woman.
So, anyway, back to me
and my business. Yes.
And your engagement party.
Yeah, we're on a budget.
I mean, I'm the bread
manager at the market,
so I make more than Marty.
So you're the breadwinner.
No. I'm the bread manager.
Between us, we don't
have that much dough.
(laughs)
(chuckles)
That's funny.
How is that funny?
I think it's a bummer.
Don't you worry.
Your budget is not an issue,
because we can do the event economically
right here at Home Base.
I call it
Beer and Brats at the Base.
A SoCal Oktoberfest
without the nasty Germans.
Oktoberfests are very trendy right now.
I heard that Prince
Harry and his Northwestern
theater major fiancée
love a good O-fest.
MARTY: Yeah.
That sounds really great.
Uh...
What do you think, Ally?
Sure.
If that's what we can afford.
I mean, it's not like either
of us manages the meat.
So neither of you brings home the bacon?
No. I don't like bacon, so
he doesn't bring it home.
Oh, lady, you're killing me.
Babe, as long as we're
celebrating our love,
I don't care where we are.
I just want everyone to
know we found each other.
- Mmm...
- Mmm...
Okay. People are watching.
Oh. That's enough.
VALENCIA: Excellent.
Great. We'll keep in touch.
MARTY: We will. I'm excited. Bye, guys.
Okay. Bye.
Okay. What are we gonna do?
- Uh... ?
- We can't plan that party.
That is a pass. It's a clear pass.
What are you talking about?
Eh, Valencia, did you not see them
and their whole dynamic?
I mean, she's only marrying
him as some kind of rebound
or consolation prize.
All I know is she does not love Marty.
First, I didn't notice that.
But even if you're right,
then I hope they get married
and we do their wedding,
and then we do
their ironic divorce parties, and then
their second weddings.
That's how you build a business.
Oh, wha... I... I cannot
believe you right now.
Really. I can't believe,
that, considering
what you and I have
been through with men,
specifically Josh Chan,
you would let someone marry a
person that does not love them
and might, oh, I don't know,
leave them at the altar?
That is not on us.
Not at all.
All right. You know what?
I signed up to do good
and to help people.
And Marty needs my help now.
Where are you going?
I am going to warn Marty,
the way that I wish
someone had warned me.
Nope, nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope, nope.
You move, you die.
Also, everyone warned you.
Okay? Please.
This is my last shot to
keep this business afloat.
You wanted to help me, please help me.
(insects chirping)
(grunting, muttering)
Of course he won, he's
got God on his side.
Mm-hmm. (laughs)
(knocking)
Is this the poker game?
I wore a red hat as requested.
Red hat was a code.
Not a dress code?
- No.
- Oops.
Okay.
I would like to turn this
money into more money, please.
BRAH: I'll take that.
- Thank you.
- TIM: Yeah.
Let's do this.
Mama needs some new insulin.
(whoops)
Actually, she really does.
Her blood sugar is all over the place.
Okay, belly up to the bar, boys.
Oh, I'm so scared, Father.
Oh, I am not Father tonight.
Tonight you will call me Daddy.
- Okay. You ready?
- Ooh. Okay.
Day seven. Time to face the music.
Yeah. I'm ready.
All right.
(exhales sharply)
Time to measure that body fat.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
- This is insane.
- What do we got?
You're down 1.2%.
- What? Whoa! That is crazy.
- (laughs): Yeah.
That's like Efron territory.
That's like Baywatch Efron.
Not-not High School
Musical dough-boy Efron.
- No.
- (blows raspberry)
- Okay. All right. My turn.
- Yeah.
Here we go. (clears throat)
Here we go. Yep.
- Oh, I'm nervous.
- Okay.
No, you got this.
- Oof.
- What?
- Sorry, dude.
- Damn it!
I ate a banana.
Why do they put bananas
in the fruit section?
They should be in the candy section.
I'm a candy-eating child.
- Yeah, no, this is bad.
- (groans)
You're only down 1.3%.
- What? Really?
- (laughing): Yeah!
- Yes, dude.
- You were, you were kidding just now?
- I was kidding just now!
- (whoops)
- Come on!
- Yeah!
That means that we both
beat our personal records.
Yes, we did!
- (whoops)
- Yeah!
You know what we should
do? We should get out there.
We should go get hit on.
Yeah, we should. We should.
We can't keep this chiseled
perfection locked away in here.
Mm-mm. No, we should
take these sculptures out
on a walking tour.
Better yet, let's take
these sculptures to a museum,
put 'em on display.
We're talking about
going to a bar, right?
No, I thought we'd go
to an actual museum,
maybe take an audio tour,
swing by the gift shop,
buy a book, or something.
- Really?
- Yeah, no, I'm talking about a bar.
- Oh.
- Come on. Let's go, you sexy dum-dum.
Okay.
WOMAN: Eyes up!
MAN: Foul ball!
Ally's so cold and distant.
It's like she's got
one foot out the door.
And have you noticed how
Marty always texts us back,
like, right away, but
Ally only texts back things
like busy or K
or L, which I think
is just a typo for K.
So what?
(grunts) Valencia.
I just have a gut feeling.
Stop it, please.
This is all you've talked
about for the past week.
Yeah, but I've only
aired my doubts to you;
I haven't said anything to Marty.
Because they are not real.
And even if they were,
- I don't care.
- (Marty laughs)
Now they're here.
Pull yourself together.
(exhales)
Well, slap me with a schnitzel.
This looks amazing.
- Valencia, you outdid yourself.
- (phone vibrates)
Ah.
- Didn't she, Ally?
- (laughs)
Sorry, it's the beverage manager.
He's kind of funny, but it's
like, Why are you texting me?
- I'm engaged.
- (laughs)
Uh... Wow.
(laughs)
Say nothing.
(laughs)
VALENCIA: Okay.
(exhales)
So I told WiJo I was a volunteer
fireman, but that's a lie.
You're not?
I'm not totally a fireman.
Okay, so you're a,
you're a partial fireman?
Josh... what job do you have?
Wha... it's not about the
job, it's about my future.
- What do you mean?
- I mean...
everyone around me seems to
know what they want to be,
and I don't.
It makes me feel so bad.
So, whenever I'm at my job,
which, again, is somewhat
but not completely
like being a fireman...
Uh-huh.
... I feel so sorry for myself.
Like, I want to cry.
Okay. Well, there's nothing
wrong with crying, man.
Especially for someone
in your situation,
which, you know, as I understand it,
is being kind of sort of
a paid volunteer fireman...
Mm-hmm.
... things can get really rough.
Yeah.
- Yeah, they are.
- Yeah.
Thanks. You get it.
Yeah. And, dude, whatever you're doing,
you look great. (chuckles)
Like, any actual fireman
would be super happy
to have your body.
Thanks. It's hard to look this good.
Uh-huh.
(dance music playing)
Whoa.
- Lot of dudes at this place.
- Yeah.
- Some are kissing.
- That's cool.
Oh, yeah, no, it's a gay bar.
Which is great for me, but it's
also actually great for you,
'cause bachelorette
parties, girls' nights out,
girls who like to dance in a circle.
I don't know. They're all here.
(whooping)
Oh, yeah, look at this, huh?
- Cool.
- No. Not cool. It's actually horrible.
Straight girls are ruining
the best part about being gay.
This used to be the one
place that belonged to us,
but whatever.
Tonight... it works for both of us.
So, uh, come on.
- Let's do this.
- Okay.
(Tim sighs)
DARRYL: Ooh!
Ante, ante, show your fanny,
make that money and turn it into honey.
We're not ante-ing, idiot.
Dude, you won last week.
- Should've just called it a day.
- BRAH: Yeah, also,
if you act like that,
no one's gonna feel bad
about taking your money.
Oh, you're just sore, because last week,
I won a K and a G,
and some soon-to-be,
God willing, Tubmans.
And this week I'm gonna
double and triple that.
Papa needs a baby.
Someone is gonna knife
you in the parking lot.
Okay. Aces are up, deuces are wild.
Give me some money to buy my child!
(laughs)
(clears throat) That
did not come out right.
I would never purchase a child.
I think that trafficking is
society's greatest scourge.
Read 'em and weep.
Sevens and fives.
(groans)
I got a flush.
ALL: Oh!
- (laughter)
- Oh.
Damn her and her lucky peach.
DARRYL: My egg money.
Oh, no.
(festive German music playing)
I wrote a song for you.
It's called Punch
the Time Card of My Heart.
Awesome. I'd love to read it later.
Oh, I was gonna sing it.
Honey,
there are people here.
(Heather groans)
I hate how much I'm
pulling this look off.
Wait, what are you doing?
You're supposed to be
passing out the wieners.
(laughs) Wieners.
But, so I'm the only one working?
I know, I...
My services are needed
elsewhere right now.
Rebecca. What are you doing?
Slap on a smile and
pass out those sausages.
I see some frauleins
and herrs without food.
Don't mess this up for me.
Later, hosen.
(sighs)
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
(ringtone plays)
You're late.
When are you getting here?
Bring someone, so it
doesn't look suspicious.
(gasps)
Dude.
That guy you were dancing with is hot.
(laughing): Yeah! Yeah.
- And your girl.
- Oh.
- Smoking.
- They want to go home with us.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, they do.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yep.
So why don't I want to?
I don't know. I don't want to, either.
Do you think it's because of
our completely mutual breakups?
(chuckles)
Who are we kidding, dude?
We got dumped.
Yeah.
We did.
Ugh.
Yeah.
Onion rings?
Hundo P.
Hi.
BRODY: Marty and Ally.
At long last,
your epic love story
has reached fruition.
Fruit, produce?
Grocery store... okay. No?
Too smart? All right.
To continue, um, Ally,
once you were mine,
and then Marty here
came and took you away,
with his...
weird songs and his big hair, I guess?
I mean, nobody gets it, right?
But I think the important thing is that
I had a very big part
in your love story, and
so I kind of feel like...
I don't understand.
What am I telling people?
Just act like you're my date.
That's what I'm paying you for.
BRODY: What is this venue?
It's like a sad restaurant
attached to a batting cage?
But they say love's
a lot like a pretzel.
You know? It's twisty
and it's turny, and...
once the salt's gone, it's pretty bland.
So, good luck, guys. Anyways,
speaking of Oktoberfest, who
here loves Angela Merkel, huh?
Chancellor? I hardly know her.
(laughs)
Anyway, I'm single.
♪ ♪
NATHANIEL: Those onion
rings were disgusting.
WHITE JOSH: Yeah.
Being dumped sucks, man.
Worse than your pecs feel
after, like, 50-pound flyes.
Oh, to me, it's more like how you feel
after a one-rep squat PR.
Mm.
- Yep.
- Yep.
Excuse me? (laughing) Hi!
Can you guys be sad somewhere else?
Hi. This is my girl Sherry.
She's wearing Spanx tonight
'cause we is out on the town. All right?
And me, I'm getting married,
if you want to buy me a
dranky-drank-drank-drank.
So, yeah, you guys are
killing the vibe in here.
This bar is not for you, there
are straight bars everywhere!
Yeah, they're called bars.
Uh, God, what's their problem?
(scoffs) They don't have problems.
Do you see how hot they are?
Guys like this
- don't have real problems. Mm.
- (laughs)
(women laughing)
- No one understands.
- No one understands.
- ♪ One ♪
- ♪ Two ♪
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ We know what people
think when they see us ♪
♪ That we're so hot, it's insane ♪
♪ Ayne, ayne, ayne ♪
♪ When we exit a pool ♪
♪ We do it in slow motion ♪
♪ But that don't mean
we can't complain ♪
♪ 'Cause fit, hot guys
have problems, too ♪
♪ Don't look at us ♪
♪ We're not dancing for you ♪
♪ This is our quiet,
personal time to reflect ♪
♪ Flect, flect, flect ♪
♪ We both have almost no body fat ♪
♪ But we're too bummed
out to talk about that ♪
♪ I know we look ♪
♪ So much better than you ♪
♪ But fit, hot guys
have problems, too ♪
- ♪ Uh! ♪
- (crying)
♪ Everyone is at our sexual mercy ♪
♪ Be them a mister ♪
♪ Or miss ♪
♪ Miss, miss, miss ♪
♪ But when we're down on our knees ♪
♪ No one has sympathy ♪
♪ Because they only see this ♪
- ♪ And this ♪
- ♪ And this ♪
♪ And this ♪
♪ And this ♪
♪ But what about this? ♪
♪ 'Cause fit, hot guys
have problems, too ♪
♪ Don't look at us ♪
♪ We're not dancing for you ♪
♪ It's just hard ♪
♪ To process emotions
with our clothes on ♪
♪ Clothes on, clothes
on, clothes on ♪
♪ Our pecs are perfect,
but we have bad days ♪
♪ So don't objectify us ♪
♪ With your male and female gaze ♪
♪ We have childhood traumas ♪
♪ Just like you ♪
♪ 'Cause fit, hot guys
have problems, too ♪
♪ Uh... ♪
Give us back our shirts, you monsters.
Yeah, what's wrong with you?!
- Come on, guys.
- Who's got it?
(audience cheering, whistling)
Uh, Josh?
No.
Hold on, are you, are
you actually here?
Like, in reality?
Uh, yeah.
This is my new job.
I'm a go-go dancer at this club.
That's what you meant
by volunteer fireman.
Okay, got it.
You want to join our
imaginary song and dance?
Sure.
♪ 'Cause fit, hot guys
have problems, too ♪
♪ Don't look at us ♪
♪ We're not dancing for you ♪
♪ Leave us alone ♪
♪ We have to twerk out our sad ♪
♪ Sad, sad, sad, sad, sad ♪
♪ Sad, sad ♪
♪ We're expressing our pain ♪
♪ Through the art of dance ♪
♪ But we'll express so much better ♪
♪ Without these pants ♪
♪ There's so much pressure ♪
♪ When you're a fit, hot guy ♪
♪ So just let us ugly cry... ♪
(crying)
♪ Let us ugly cry. ♪
(crying)
Oh, God! Oh!
(all crying)
Hey, have you seen Ally?
Seen? Is that supposed
to be an eye joke?
No.
(Ally laughs)
(sighs)
Ahem.
(clears throat)
Oh, yeah, it's classic drywall.
It's flat. It's dry.
Uh... it's a wall.
What is wrong with you?
Why are you cheating on the
person you're about to marry?
God, you don't even seem to like him.
He doesn't deserve this. He's a person.
I just want to be married.
All my friends are married.
I'm not ready for commitment.
Okay, that's it.
I'm putting a stop to this.
Dude.
Why didn't you tell me
you were working the pole?
I'm not a stripper.
I'm a go-go dancer.
There's no pole.
Actually, I wish there was.
It would make the whole fireman
thing a whole lot better.
Hmm. I-I was embarrassed.
I-I didn't want to
ruin your opinion of me.
You guys put me up on a
pedestal and think I'm perfect.
No, no. No one thinks that.
NATHANIEL: Hey, Josh.
Josh, this is Mona.
We know each other from Stanford.
Isn't that an amazing coincidence?
She's here with her old sorority sisters
doing a little scavenger hunt.
Seriously, they should just
burn all these places down.
Hi, Joshes.
Nat, I'm gonna go say
bye to my friends, okay?
Okay.
You, uh, you going home with her?
Yeah. I figured why not?
You know?
I already gave her my boxers
for the scavenger hunt,
so I'm halfway there.
Yeah.
You going home?
Uh... yeah.
Yeah, I'm good.
You sure? You don't want
to go back inside and find someone, too?
Oh, yeah, totally.
This place doesn't just have hot girls.
It also has tons of gay guys.
Huh?
VALENCIA: Now let's hear
from Marty's grandmother.
Aw. Yay.
All right, give me that, Grandma.
- (guests booing)
- MAN: Hey, come on.
But that's my grandma.
Oh, you know what, you should thank me.
She was gonna rap.
Oh, no.
Ally.
This toast is from me.
Sit your ass down, bitch.
(guests murmuring)
(chuckles nervously)
What's wrong?
I'm here today...
... to talk about love.
Love, uh...
can be an amazing thing.
And when you're in it,
it's the most wonderful
feeling in the world.
(clears throat) I've been
doing a lot of thinking
about love in general lately.
Uh...
And, ah, screw it.
I tried, Valencia. I'm sorry.
Okay, Marty, Ally's cheating on you.
She's cheating on you with that guy
over there, and it's very obvious,
so it's a little on
you for not noticing,
but, Marty, I can't
have this happen to you
'cause it happened to
me and no one warned me.
Um, everyone warned her.
Like, everyone.
Okay, just... Marty,
I know this is a shock,
and you love her, and
that feels wonderful,
and we tell ourselves that that
feeling is some higher calling,
but the truth is,
Marty, love can hurt you
and it can be very, very dangerous.
My obsession with love
almost cost me my life.
So, I know this... I know it hurts.
But, Marty, I just freed you.
You're free.
The rest of your life begins now.
Rebecca, I already knew about BevBro.
I-I've written 12 songs about it.
They include Two-Liter Two-Timer,
Six Pack of Pain, and
A Carbonated Crime.
I don't care.
I love her.
I'll take what I can get.
She makes me happy...
and that's all that matters.
And it's none of your business.
It's okay.
Oh, hey, Darryl.
Oh, hey, Rebecca.
You're eating a plain cake donut?
- Oh.
- What's wrong?
I don't deserve sprinkles.
- What?
- I gambled all my money away.
- Oh.
- (groans)
You know why they call
it beginner's luck?
Because it doesn't work
the second time you try it.
What's up with you?
You don't look so hot yourself.
(sighing): It's the usual.
I'm just, I'm broken and terrible.
It turns out I'm not only
good at ruining my own life,
I'm really good at... ruining
other people's lives.
Oh.
I tried to help Valencia
with her new business and I just...
I royally screwed up.
And she said she forgives me,
but...
she's had to forgive me so
many times at this point.
I really am the worst.
What? No, you're not.
You're no such thing.
You're actually one
of my favorite people.
- Thank you.
- Top five.
Oh, Darryl.
You always make me feel better.
The first second I came here,
you've been so nice to me.
I'd do anything for you.
You know that, right?
Hey...
PAULA: Wow, really?
You're donating an egg to Darryl?
That's... huge.
Is it, though?
They're just gonna pop
out one of my eggies,
put it in someone else's oven,
someone else will raise it.
It's a lot easier than
teaching a poor person to read.
I mean, I don't mean poor. Sorry.
- I mean dumb.
- Right.
Rebecca, I-I know you
want to help Darryl,
but how is this gonna
affect your therapy?
Have you talked to
Dr. Shin or your group?
And is now the time to
be shooting up hormones?
I mean, your regular period is
like the Northridge earthquake.
Lots of screaming and
crying and broken dishes.
Paula, I hear your
questions and concerns,
but I promise you, I
have thought this through.
Have you, though?
No, not at all.