Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Episode #3.5 - full transcript
♪ Crazy is when I go off the rails ♪
♪ This is what you've done to me ♪
♪ Crazy is how your
loving makes me feel ♪
♪ This is what I always want to be ♪
♪ I like it when a
girl gets crazy in bed ♪
♪ Don't mess with the bitch
who's crazy in the head ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
- ♪ You don't ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
- ♪ And you don't ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
♪ To clarify, yes,
no, on the crazy ♪
♪ We hope this helps. ♪
What?
Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
- I feel things for you.
- I got to get the hell out of town.
NATHANIEL: I'll take you
wherever you want to go.
Rebecca. We need to talk about this.
If I'm crazy, you made me crazier,
because your life is broken and boring.
Your boyfriend does not
want a baby with you.
REBECCA: I've officially
alienated every person I know.
NAOMI: You moved here for Josh Chan?
Of course you would do something
like give up your
wonderful life in New York
to be near that... that loser!
REBECCA: You're absolutely right.
I give up.
I'll come home.
WEATHERMAN (over TV):
We got even more sunshine
coming up this week.
Let's go ahead and take
a look at the satellite...
REBECCA (echoing): Your
life is broken and boring.
Your boyfriend does not
want a baby with you.
If I'm crazy, you made me crazier.
JOSH: I'm sick and tired of you.
I want you out of my life!
REBECCA: And don't call me Cookie!
I hate that name. I hate it.
It is laughable that you're my boss.
(clears throat)
NAOMI: Rebecca?
Rebecca! What are you doing in there?
... 64 in Harris, and in the afternoon..
Okay. That's enough.
- Give me this thing.
- (TV turns off)
You've been in this bed the whole day.
I've let you mope long enough.
We have got to talk plans.
Is this a vacation? Is this
a sabbatical? What is this?
What am I telling people?
Tell people whatever you want.
Whatever I want? Okay.
Well, for starters, are you
going back to California or not?
I don't have all day, darling.
No, I'm not. I'm-I'm not.
I mean, there's... there's
nothing left for me there, so...
Okay, then, it's settled.
You're staying here,
and you're getting your old job back.
You know, my darling,
it's time that I take over
the reins of your life,
because clearly, you're incapable.
Yep. You're right.
I'm right?
Then, we're in agreement.
You're staying here.
I'll send in your resignation,
and I will send for your stuff.
Sounds good. Thank you.
Exactly.
Thank me.
♪ ♪
(bed creaking)
(knocking on door)
(groans)
(grunts)
- Hello?
- Excuse us.
We're here to pack up all
the belongings in this room.
What?
I'm... well, hold... wh-where
are you taking this stuff?
To a storage unit in
Westchester, New York.
Care of Rebecca Bunch.
No, no, no. That-that can't be right.
She's only at home with
her mom temporarily.
Okay? She's coming back.
You can't have this.
I'm keeping this. She's gonna
want this when she comes back.
I mean, I don't know
if she's coming back,
but she wouldn't not come back, right?
I don't know. Honestly?
It kind sounds like you
just need to move on, dude.
"Move on"?
That's harsh.
Oh, it's actually our slogan.
"Move On, Dude."
(elevator bell dings)
Morning.
Oh, God, this is so weird.
What, that Nathaniel's a furry?
- I know.
- No, not that.
What's weird is that Rebecca's
in Scarsdale and not here,
and I need to talk to her
about a personal issue.
You can talk to me, D-Money.
No, I can't.
It's about me and White Josh,
and you're so obsessed with us.
You just start talking
all that millennial-speak.
No, come on, please. Tell me
what's going on with you two.
Okay.
So...
We are not in a good space right now.
- And...
- O... M... G... What?
This can't be happening.
You guys are my hashtag goals,
I literally cannot with you guys.
You are the best humans.
You give me all the feels.
Okay, it's so weird,
you are obsessed with us.
I am. Totes. Hundo P.
Yeah. Well, I got to talk to Rebecca.
She's perceptive.
I mean, she knew White
Josh didn't want a baby
before anyone else did.
(fax machine whirring)
(shouts) What is that noise?
What's happening?
I think one of our computers is in pain.
It's our fax machine, loser.
DARRYL: Maya, get the fax.
(fax machine beeps)
Ow, it's hot.
It's so hot.
Probably from my dad. He
loves a good fax machine.
It's the only time I ever
heard him use the word "love."
- Oh.
- Let me see that.
(clears throat)
(clears throat) It's, uh, it's nothing.
Um, Rebecca resigned.
- Resigned? No.
- MAYA: This can't be happening.
Rebecca was supposed to be my mentor
for my mentor program,
Girl-Boss-Power-Force.
I have no one else.
Paula's out sick,
Karen took a leave of absence
to be a hand-and-foot model,
Mrs. Hernandez is such a bitch.
- Get LASIK, nerd.
- See what I mean?
All right, everyone listen up.
We're down a lawyer,
and that's bad news,
especially right now.
The time-share case is
not gonna settle itself.
I'll call the downtown office,
and have them send a
replacement for Rebecca.
What? You can't replace Rebecca.
DARRYL: Nathaniel, please.
Can we wait? Can we at
least just talk about this?
It's done. All right? This is happening.
We all just need to move on.
Everyone, back to work.
I don't want to hear her name.
I don't want anyone to
even think about Rebecca.
Got it?
(sighing): No.
No.
(birds chirping)
(insects chirping)
REBECCA (echoing): It is laughable
- that you're my boss.
- JOSH: I've had it.
I'm sick and tired of you.
I want you out of my life!
And don't call me Cookie!
I hate that name. I hate it.
- Rebecca, you need to calm down.
- Don't tell me to calm down.
(Rebecca and Marco grunting)
(whispers): No.
NAOMI: So.
I resigned you from Whitepepper,
and now I have drafted a cover
letter to your old law firm
to get your job back.
But we have to go over it.
Becca?
No, I... we don't need
to go over it, okay?
I'm-I'm... I... it's fine.
Just send it. Doesn't
matter. I'm sure it's good.
It is. It's very good, but...
(Naomi sighs)
Thank God I'm here
to scoop up the poop
behind the elephant.
Which is you, Rebecca!
You're the one who's pooping.
I'm sending the letter.
Work on your résumé.
- (upbeat music playing)
- _
Honey.
Please.
I think that's enough.
It's my friendaversary with Rebecca.
The night at Beans's party,
I went home and I friended
her, and she accepted.
And I know it's just an algorithm,
but they just... they picked
the cutest photos, I mean...
Look at this. This is
our first cookie pizza.
I mean, it's just a
cookie cut into triangles.
There's no cheese or anything.
And we were like, "Well, we should
just call it a big cookie,"
and that's when I started
to call her Cookie,
and now it's over.
(taps key)
- Okay, okay.
- (upbeat music playing)
This isn't healthy.
Uh... Paula.
You said you want to spend
more time with the family?
I think that would make
you feel a lot better.
And us, too.
We want to spend more time with you.
(louder): We all want to
spend more time with you.
Yes. We want to spend
more time with you, Mom.
TOMMY: Yeah. Quality time.
As a family.
We have so little time
before I go to college.
Dad, who are we kidding?
I'm not going to college.
TOMMY: Okay, look, Mom.
Dad already paid us off
to hang out with you,
and I spent that $20
on illegal fireworks,
so are we gonna hang out or what?
Well, that is a great offer,
but I don't want to do anything
but watch this video, so...
- SCOTT: What...
- (taps key)
Okay, that's it.
Tommy? Get it.
- No.
- Do it.
- No, but, Dad, not really...
- You heard me.
(sighs)
Fancy Fairy Funhouse?
But you guys hate that game.
You don't ever want to play that game
because you have those dumb penises.
I only get to play that game
(voice breaks): when my sister
is in town with her daughters.
(stammers)
Come on. We're doing this.
(crying)
Bring on the Fancy Fairy Fun.
NAOMI: Oh, no. Enough
already with the computer.
Come on. You've been
on that thing all day.
Let's go. Let's go to the mall.
Got to get your hair done, I can't stand
that depression frizz.
I can't. I'm busy.
I'm-I'm looking at my
résumé. I'm making tweaks.
Great. Let me see.
No, I was... not done.
Rebecca Bunch, I know what you're doing.
You're looking at porn, aren't you?
I know, that's what everyone does.
The choking, the
spanking, the cuckolding.
- Oh... okay...
- I'm not looking at porn.
- Oh, really? Okay?
- Yeah, leave me alone.
MAYA: My sources downtown
say the replacement
is a femme-identifying cis-gender woman.
That's a lady. She's a lady.
Yeah, but is she gonna be like Rebecca,
all pretty and cheery and Jewy?
You know what I mean...
Smart, and a little sneaky.
That did not come out
right. I am not a bigot.
I just... I talk too much, like a Jew.
Oh, no.
I hope she's a strong,
contemporary thigh-high feminist
like me and Rebecca,
you know what I mean?
Never talk again.
I just hope what happened
with me and Rebecca
doesn't happen again.
- Hmm?
- You know, the "will they
or won't they" sexual tension?
Our little peas in a pod thing?
Y-You guys didn't clock that?
Hmm...
(scoffs) So you guys didn't notice
the undeniable spark?
(laughs softly) Okay.
She's coming up from downstairs.
Don't be yourselves, I beg you.
The body's barely cool,
and you hired a new Rebecca.
That is heartless. I said
I didn't want to hear
the name "Rebecca" again.
She's not a new Rebecca, she's
a lawyer here to do a job.
She has nothing in common with Rebecca,
except for her job title.
(mumbles): Okay.
(elevator bell dings)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- Welcome to the firm.
- Hello.
I'm Cornelia Wickfield.
What a great face.
So sharply perceptive and honest.
I would love for you to weigh in
on a few personal issues
that I have on my plate.
I'm gonna e-mail you
and I'm gonna give you
all the background 411.
- Okay.
- DARRYL: Mm-hmm.
How do you feel about Lena Dunham
and do you think pumpkin
spice lattes are basic or no?
Also, are diets okay? Hi.
NATHANIEL: Ignore them. They are idiots.
Let's get you set up.
As you know, we are down an attorney
- and we have a lot of work to do.
- Yes, I reviewed all the cases.
I'm all caught up.
Just show me my desk
and I'll get to work.
Perfect.
Whoa. Lot of personality on this one.
I mean, did you guys see that?
- Hmm?
- Flint and steel.
(imitates spark) Spark sound!
(snoring lightly)
(snorts)
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
_
_
_
Becky, no.
Hey, Cornelia.
If you're not too busy, I'm
applying for this mentor-ship
and I just need a woman in
my workplace to sponsor me.
Oh, I did this mentor-ship.
It's excellent.
Looks like you just
need a signature here.
You got it. Here you go.
Stop. Stop. Shut up.
Just stop and shut up.
You're too amazing.
Honestly, just shut it down,
pull the metal grate over your face,
and put up a sign because you are shut!
Okay.
- You're welcome.
- I can't with her.
I had to leave because I couldn't even.
Hey. Hi.
Did you get my e-mail
about the Madigan estate trust case?
I did. Um, you spent the
majority of the e-mail
laying out the details
of your own relationship
with someone named White.
White Josh. Yeah,
sorry, that was a typo.
You have got to meet him.
You would love him and
it would break your heart
to think he might never father a child.
I'm gonna just stop you.
Um, since we're coworkers,
we probably shouldn't be
discussing personal matters so much.
But if it helps,
I just read a review of
a book on relationships
in The New York Times.
I'm happy to send you a link.
You would do that for me?
You would send me a link
to pertinent literature
that I could read?
Maya. Maya.
I also can't even couldn't.
Hey.
Oh. Sorry.
I'm such a klutz. (laughs)
It's okay.
Oh, sesquipedalian.
I know what that means.
It means polysyllabic.
That's not even mine.
I was gonna recycle it.
- Do you want it?
- A gift?
For me?
Sure.
♪ In one ♪
♪ Indescribable instant ♪
♪ The whole world falls away. ♪
Nope.
Hey. You okay?
I hope these losers
aren't bothering you.
Oh, no, it's fine.
I'm not usually this popular.
And downtown, everyone is so formal.
We mostly communicate via fax.
Which reminds me,
I have to send off these documents.
Work, work, work. Love that.
So refreshing.
She's exactly what's
been missing around here.
Becca.
Hmm?
Hello.
Hmm.
Hello.
How long was I asleep?
A long time.
You must be really tired, I guess.
Hmm.
You feeling better?
Not really.
I kind of just want to
go back to sleep forever.
- What's that?
- This?
It's for you. It's a
strawberry milkshake.
Ugh, is that some sort of,
like, fat-free, dairy-free,
80-calorie blorch?
No, honey. I made it
with real ice cream.
You haven't eaten in a few days
and, well, I know you love shakes.
Okay.
Thank you, I guess.
You gonna try it?
This is the first time in my life
you've ever encouraged me to eat.
Okay, if you don't want it,
you don't have to have it.
No. No, I'll try it.
- This is not bad.
- Enjoy.
I like your walk.
Heel-toe, heel-toe.
What a stride.
I have a tendency to pronate,
so I try to walk evenly.
Love it. Ugh. Amazing. Gold. Queen.
Sorry, I have to file these.
Hey, so, um, this weekend,
I'm doing a vagina refresh seminar.
We sun her, we steam her,
we put crystals in her.
I bought two tickets.
Are you interested?
No, thank you. I'm busy.
Oh, okay. Well, maybe next time.
Maybe.
Cornelia, this book is incredible.
I have a pathological need for approval
that prevents me from
engaging in conflict.
You should be a
therapist. You're spot-on.
I didn't say that. And
I didn't read the book,
but okay.
I think my issues stem from my father
because he said that I
had an ugly upper lip,
which is why I hide behind
this luxuriant mustache.
Oh, feel it, feel it. It's amazing.
No, thank you.
Some other time.
Ooh.
(chuckles)
(laughs)
We're dancing.
Stand still, please, and
I will walk around you.
Thank you.
(chuckles)
Oh, us.
Here is the second draft of
the brief for the time-share.
Second?
The first draft was
excellent, very, very smart.
You work so diligently.
That's what you pay me for.
You show up on time, you
haven't thrown anything at me.
Haven't seen you compress
a donut into a tiny ball
and swallow it whole.
And you appear to have
no interest in whimsical trips to Rome.
Can't dispute those very specific facts.
What school did you go to again?
Yale and Harvard,
but I never mention
it unless someone asks.
Wow. (clicks tongue)
You are a breath of fresh air, Cornelia.
Thank you, sir.
- I'll get back to work.
- Okay.
(sighs)
Ah. (laughs)
Bop, you're the princess. Boom.
TOMMY: Wait, why are
you bopping Brendan?
I totally have more
fairy dust than he does.
BRENDAN: Oh!
Boom. Sucks to be you. That makes me
the pixie princess, bitches.
Now give me all your gumdrops.
I'm heading to the frosty cotillion.
- (groans)
- BRENDAN: Thank you, thanks.
TOMMY: Wait, can we just do this again?
I totally messed up at
the Rainbow Rainforest.
You guys, this is really fun.
Thank you.
- Let's just...
- Roll, roll.
Okay.
NAOMI: Seven-letter word,
second letter "U," blank... tension.
What could this be?
Surface?
Surface tension?
"S-U-R-F-A-C... "
Yes.
Yes, it fits.
- It fits.
- Mm.
It works with 15 down, Esai Morales.
Oh, well, it's always Esai Morales.
- I know, it is.
- (laughs)
(laughing): It is.
Get over here, smarty pants.
I'm gonna need help with 17 down.
It's a science thing. You know
I know bupkes about science.
And you're so good at it.
(clears throat)
You sure you don't need
to be doing whatever it is
that you... have been
doing on the computer?
(exhales)
Not right now, no.
Okay.
- So... 17 down.
- (sighs)
It was a silly idea. You don't have
to do it if you don't want to.
NAOMI: I don't have to, I want to.
You know, I'm sorry
I never tried these on
when you bought them for us in 2004.
(laughs)
I was having a fat year.
I thought my ass looked
like a watermelon.
Yeah, well, you look great.
Thank you.
(laughs) Mmm.
God, these are so delicious. It's funny.
The cold kind of gives
my head a buzzy feeling
and my ears are ringing a little bit.
Yeah, me, too. Same thing happens to me
whenever I have a cold
shake. Brain freeze.
Brain freeze. Right.
(laughs)
Why are you being so nice to me?
What do you mean? I'm always nice.
Not really.
I am your mother.
I can see that you need me.
You need a little TLC.
Okay, well, thank you.
Of course. Now, you
haven't had any solid food,
so let me make you something.
How about popcorn?
Let me make you popcorn.
That would go great with your shake.
Yeah, that would be great.
Okay.
♪ ♪
♪ I used to think my
mother was the worst ♪
♪ That if she didn't kill
me, I'd kill her first ♪
♪ But now birds are singing ♪
♪ The flowers are pink ♪
♪ Yes, spring is here ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm starting
to think that ♪
♪ Maybe she's not such a
heinous bitch after all ♪
♪ Maybe, maybe ♪
♪ Maybe, maybe, baby, baby ♪
♪ Maybe she's not such a
heinous bitch after all ♪
♪ Maybe, maybe, she's
nicer to her baby ♪
♪ I don't want to bash
her head in with this cup ♪
♪ It may sound harsh, but
that's a huge step up ♪
♪ Maybe she's not such ♪
♪ A heinous bitch after all ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I still hate her,
don't get me wrong ♪
♪ Really hate her,
genuinely hate her ♪
♪ But it's more like the way ♪
♪ Normal girls hate their moms ♪
♪ Every daughter
kinda hates their mom ♪
♪ All I ever prayed for every day ♪
♪ Was to resent my mother ♪
♪ In a regular way ♪
♪ Maybe she's not
such a heinous bitch ♪
♪ After all ♪
♪ Sit beside her ♪
♪ So weird you lived inside her ♪
♪ Maybe old age has
tamed this witch ♪
♪ And made her a doll ♪
♪ But like one of those
evil, haunted dolls ♪
♪ She's being so nice,
it fills my soul ♪
♪ For once I don't want her
to have a cancerous mole ♪
♪ Dark ♪
♪ Maybe she's not
such a heinous bitch ♪
♪ After all ♪
♪ I know it sounds like ♪
♪ I'm falling in love ♪
♪ In love ♪
♪ Well, when we're finding a mate ♪
♪ It's our parents
we're thinking of ♪
♪ Thinking of ♪
♪ My relationship with her
was my first failed romance ♪
♪ And now finally the cute boy's ♪
♪ Asking me to dance ♪
♪ Maybe she's not
such a heinous bitch ♪
- ♪ After all ♪
- ♪ Say yes ♪
♪ It's time to acquiesce ♪
♪ Maybe she's not
such a heinous bitch ♪
♪ After all ♪
♪ Since you were born ♪
♪ She's never made you popcorn ♪
♪ Maybe she's not
such a heinous bitch ♪
♪ After all ♪
♪ Ooh-wah. ♪
(clears throat) Are you sure
you want to play Twister, Mom?
- What about your trick knee?
- Eh, I'll go get my brace.
Oh, well, then I'm
not going easy on you.
(both chuckle)
- (doorbell rings)
- Oh, I'll get it.
Ugh, Audra Levine, what do you want?
Oh, I made you a taco casserole.
Hear you haven't been
doing so good. (chuckles)
God, busted wedding, and now you're here
with your awful mother... ugh!
You must just want to die.
Actually, I don't.
Because my mother and I
are getting along very well.
So, bye...
Getting along with Naomi?
(scoffs) Where's her body?
Sorry, is that Twister?
Yeah. You know what,
Audra, it's Twister.
My mother and I are about
to play a trust-building game
of physical skill and fun.
Everything's different
now. My mother accepts me.
Yeah, right. Of course.
'Cause what do opinionated
Jewish mothers do
when they turn 60?
They change.
Tell me, what did you do
to earn this miraculous
acceptance from your mother?
I'm curious.
Well, I got sad and came home,
and refused to shower,
and stayed up all night,
and she felt sad for me, and
now she's taking care of me.
Yeah, you're a smart girl.
That doesn't make any sense.
NAOMI: This thing
smells from knee sweat,
and now I got some gas.
You're welcome.
Audra.
Audra Levine.
- Hello.
- Whoa.
- Wonderful to see you.
- (smooches)
Will you be staying for some board games
and some ice cream, honey?
Okay, I don't know what this is,
but it's scary.
And I'm not sticking
around for the murder-Sui.
Rebecca, she's up to something.
And if you don't know what
it is, then it's working.
Bye, Naomi.
Bye, Audra. (smooches)
- NAOMI: Have a great day.
- AUDRA: Mm-hmm.
What a bitch. Up to something?
You know what I'm up to?
I'm up to whuppin' your
tuchus in that game.
That's what I'm up to.
And before we start, you need some fuel.
How about another shake, stat?
Okay. (clicks tongue)
I'm gonna miss you guys at work today.
Ugh, I am not looking
forward to it anyway.
It's gonna be tough not
seeing Rebecca at her desk.
Then don't.
Just call in sick for
the rest of the week.
That's a great idea.
We could actually go on a vacation.
You call in sick, too.
What? No.
Yeah. Come on.
It'll get my mind off Rebecca.
And I am working on a case
with a time-share
company in Palm Springs,
and they love me.
And they said anytime
that I wanted to stay,
all I had to do was e-mail and go.
I've seen pictures.
They got a nice pool area
with a swim-up bar.
Tommy does love a swim-up bar.
He loves to drink while he pees.
- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
Hey, Corns? Sit with me.
'Neelia. 'Neelia, I got dark chocolate.
Look at, dark chocolate.
Thought we could ironically
read our horoscopes
and talk about how shallow
everyone in the office is.
Thanks, everyone.
I'm just waiting for my burrito,
and then I have some stuff to look at
on my... phone.
I'll stand here.
See what you guys are doing?
You're creeping her out.
That's sexist. You're trying
to silence our sisterhood.
Right, Neels-on-Wheels?
(laughs) I know, right?
- I didn't say anything.
- Didn't have to.
- Want to chat?
- Ow! No.
- I'm just make a burrito...
- Sorry.
... to eat while I work.
You're hurting her!
I'm okay, I'm not hurt.
Is that still frozen?
Uh, yeah, I like it that way.
I'm, um, I'm teething.
I'm sorry, I saw that.
You're really getting bombarded.
Permission to speak freely?
- Granted.
- Well, I like how friendly everyone is,
but it's getting to
be, pardon my language,
a bit much.
They're freaks. Tell you what.
I have to go to Palm Springs
for another time-share meeting.
You want to come with?
- They're not going, are they?
- Absolutely not.
Oh, God, look at them.
Yes, let's go, please.
Okay.
- SkinnyMom1958.
- _
Damn it, she changed it.
NAOMI: Rebecca, you okay out there?
Yeah, Mom, I'm fine.
Uh, enjoy your soak.
You deserve it after
that "left foot blue,
right hand yellow" tumble.
_
♪ ♪
My God.
And this is the Brazilian-themed
aquatic recreation center.
Mr. Robertson almost
took a trip to Brazil,
but he didn't, because
he's afraid to fly.
But he looked up some images online,
and he was inspired to create this.
This pool, in particular,
is his passion project,
and he's very upset about being sued.
When he advertised
mountain views from the swim-up bar,
he didn't realize there weren't any,
because he's also afraid to swim.
Are you sure there are no
mountain views from the bar?
You know what, it's
hard to tell from here.
I think I see a peak
between those buildings.
Yeah, I see that, too.
Although, the closer we get to the bar,
the more obstructed the view is.
I think we need to get a
photo from the swim-up bar.
- Yes.
- You know what?
I have a swimsuit in my car.
I'll just hop in and do it.
You wait here.
Sir, you shouldn't
have to get in the pool.
I'll grab a suit from the
gift shop and take care of it.
Please.
Let's both grab a suit.
Gift shop's this way.
- This place is great.
- Yeah, good score, Mom.
(Paula chuckles)
- Oh, I'm so glad we did this.
- SCOTT: Me, too.
Hey, here. This is perfect.
You know, I just...
I needed to get away from work, and...
I mean, I love those people, I do,
but, dear God,
what a bunch of needy misfits.
Ooh.
(sighs, chuckles)
Ah...
- Oh, God!
- Honey?
Oh... that is my boss.
I called in sick... I don't
want him to see me and...
Wait, who is that woman?
What is going on?
Oh, I don't know.
That woman walks very evenly.
She must have a tendency to pronate.
If you're standing here,
there's technically a bit of a view.
- Right here, if you lean over.
- Great.
You are so professional.
Even in a swim-up bar. It's amazing.
I'm sorry?
Well, it's just that...
some people in your position
would behave differently.
Some people, who I
definitely don't think about
or talk about at all anymore,
they would not have
gone into that gift shop
and selected a conservative
one-piece, like you did.
They would have picked
out a ridiculous bikini,
and they'd be slinging their
boobs all over the place.
- I'm sorry, what?
- And they'd be provoking me
and zinging me and
challenging my world view.
And warming my heart...
Thank God that's not happening.
Thank God I don't have
that in my life anymore.
(laughs)
(voice breaking): I'm sorry.
I'm not crying. I'm not crying.
It's just the chlorine
in this water is...
Oh, sir, you're okay.
I mean, I think you're okay.
I don't know what's going on.
You're crying, and
I'm in a bathing suit.
How did this happen?
(sobs)
Becky? I was thinking we
could do each other's toes.
You've been drugging me.
(scoffs)
Oh, this makes so much sense, of course.
Of course you didn't change.
The only reason I was feeling
better is 'cause you gave me
these drugs... that blitzed me
out and made my ears buzz.
I had no choice. I
saw all your websites.
Your suicide websites.
I had to do something.
So you gave me medication
without my consent?
Lest you forget, young lady, we
have been through this before.
That suicide attempt in college,
and then you tried to
burn down someone's house.
And each time, you refused help,
so, yes, yes,
I decided to give you
some of the anxiety pills
that the doctor gave me
for the High Holidays.
I just wanted to calm
you down so we could talk
and I could convince
you to go away somewhere.
- Commit me?
- (clicks tongue)
I'm sorry, you wanted to commit me?
That is such a dramatic word.
You made me think that you loved me.
You gave me hope when I had none.
And now that hope is gone.
I do love you.
- I'm just trying to help you.
- Help?
You were never any help.
Rebecca...
Rebecca, wait!
NATHANIEL: I'm sorry.
(clears throat) I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be talking about this.
It's just that I've been going
through a lot lately because...
You know what?
Don't tell me, okay?
I think it's best if
we just call it a day
and go back to the office.
MAYA: Corns!
Neels!
Yaya!
CORNELIA: Oh, God,
these jack-holes.
So that's your boss, Mom?
And all of your coworkers?
- Ee-yep.
- Very cool.
Why are you all here?
Well, you know, we never circled back
about that conversation we
had about my relationship.
And I followed you and
then they followed me,
like the psychopaths that
they are. And here we are.
I called dibs on talking to
you first, because I'm a woman,
but they don't respect women or dibs.
JIM: Cornelia, let's blow this joint,
go into town, try on some
vintage bowling shirts to music.
MAYA: Dude, stop. She has three
children and a husband.
But does he make you laugh?
DARRYL: Cornelia, ignore him,
ignore both of them.
You like me the most, right?
I mean,
you and I have a bond, right?
- We have a sisterhood.
- We have a... oh, what is this?
DARRYL: Pick me!
Pick me, Cornelia, pick me!
You like me best. You like
me best, I know you do!
No, I nominate me.
No, honestly, you have
a connection with me.
Like a therapy session
that I've never...
I told you all
not to follow me.
(overlapping shouting)
There's a very good chance...
- Listen to me!
- Come on!
(overlapping shouting continues)
Please!
♪ I feel like this isn't about me ♪
♪ I feel like this isn't about me ♪
♪ Clearly they're projecting
all of their feelings ♪
♪ About a person I've never met ♪
♪ And making it about me ♪
I'm telling you guys, from the
moment she walked in the room,
there was just such chemistry.
It was love at first sight!
♪ Bah, bah, bah,
bah, bah, bah, bah ♪
♪ I'm not the best
with social cues ♪
♪ But this one's pretty clear ♪
♪ This isn't about her ♪
♪ About her ♪
♪ This reminds me to
try the Brazilian place ♪
♪ With the live band and
the meat on the stick ♪
♪ That they carve ♪
BOTH: ♪ Right at the table ♪
♪ Right at the table ♪
♪ Right at the table ♪
♪ Right at the table ♪
(overlapping shouting continues)
Hey!
(music stops) I'm going back to L.A.
to file several HR complaints.
I look forward to
collecting a settlement
and finally opening up
my custom yo-yo business.
You guys... are a mess.
Bye!
Have you been crying?
Your eyes are all red.
Oh, yeah.
PAULA: What the hell...
is going on?
I take one vacation!
And, Jim, you... are ripped.
- It's just protein shakes.
- Nice. They're working.
Becky?
Where are you?
Rebecca Nora Bunch!
Did you crawl out of
a window or something?
Where did she go?
- _
- What?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me, miss?
Are you okay?
(raspy): I don't know.
Man, I take one fake
vacation for a few days
and you guys lose your minds.
- That poor woman.
- Yeah, I know.
The thing is, Cornelia
reminded me of Rebecca.
Reminded all of us of Rebecca.
NATHANIEL: Not me. To me,
she was the opposite of Rebecca,
which only made me miss her even more.
Look, we love her. We always will.
But we have got to move on.
She's got her life, we have ours.
And maybe that has
just got to be enough.
You're right.
White Josh and I have got to
deal with our relationship.
I'm gonna call him, I'm
gonna take him to a yurt,
we're gonna take some
ayahuasca and figure it out,
no matter how long it takes.
Thank you, Paula.
(sighs heavily)
- It's not gonna be easy without her.
- Yeah.
You okay?
No, but I will be.
I just hope, wherever
she is, she's happy.
REBECCA: Actually,
yeah, you can help me.
This is gonna sound a
little crazy, but, um,
I-I need to get off the plane.
I bought a ticket to go to
L.A. when I was in New York.
But I'm just remembering now,
that everyone in L.A. either hates me
and/or thinks I'm crazy, so,
New York isn't my home,
but L.A. isn't either.
So, all I need you to do,
is just drop me off
in, like, Ohio or Idaho?
In a cornfield somewhere.
Sorry, hon.
We really can't just drop people off.
But you can get off the plane
in L.A. and buy a new ticket.
True, true.
Yeah.
The thing is, I'm just too tired
to... buy things or do
things or get things
or say things or face things.
Tell you what, we have
a Merlot that is...
the only one we have.
Do you want a glass of that?
- Sure, that sounds great.
- I got you, girl.
(sighs heavily)
(exhales)
(pills rattle)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Do you need anything else?
No.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Yes...
(voice echoing indistinctly)
_
♪ ♪
_
That's fine. No, that's all right.
- Hi. Everything okay?
- I need help.
♪ This is what you've done to me ♪
♪ Crazy is how your
loving makes me feel ♪
♪ This is what I always want to be ♪
♪ I like it when a
girl gets crazy in bed ♪
♪ Don't mess with the bitch
who's crazy in the head ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
- ♪ You don't ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
- ♪ And you don't ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
♪ To clarify, yes,
no, on the crazy ♪
♪ We hope this helps. ♪
What?
Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
- I feel things for you.
- I got to get the hell out of town.
NATHANIEL: I'll take you
wherever you want to go.
Rebecca. We need to talk about this.
If I'm crazy, you made me crazier,
because your life is broken and boring.
Your boyfriend does not
want a baby with you.
REBECCA: I've officially
alienated every person I know.
NAOMI: You moved here for Josh Chan?
Of course you would do something
like give up your
wonderful life in New York
to be near that... that loser!
REBECCA: You're absolutely right.
I give up.
I'll come home.
WEATHERMAN (over TV):
We got even more sunshine
coming up this week.
Let's go ahead and take
a look at the satellite...
REBECCA (echoing): Your
life is broken and boring.
Your boyfriend does not
want a baby with you.
If I'm crazy, you made me crazier.
JOSH: I'm sick and tired of you.
I want you out of my life!
REBECCA: And don't call me Cookie!
I hate that name. I hate it.
It is laughable that you're my boss.
(clears throat)
NAOMI: Rebecca?
Rebecca! What are you doing in there?
... 64 in Harris, and in the afternoon..
Okay. That's enough.
- Give me this thing.
- (TV turns off)
You've been in this bed the whole day.
I've let you mope long enough.
We have got to talk plans.
Is this a vacation? Is this
a sabbatical? What is this?
What am I telling people?
Tell people whatever you want.
Whatever I want? Okay.
Well, for starters, are you
going back to California or not?
I don't have all day, darling.
No, I'm not. I'm-I'm not.
I mean, there's... there's
nothing left for me there, so...
Okay, then, it's settled.
You're staying here,
and you're getting your old job back.
You know, my darling,
it's time that I take over
the reins of your life,
because clearly, you're incapable.
Yep. You're right.
I'm right?
Then, we're in agreement.
You're staying here.
I'll send in your resignation,
and I will send for your stuff.
Sounds good. Thank you.
Exactly.
Thank me.
♪ ♪
(bed creaking)
(knocking on door)
(groans)
(grunts)
- Hello?
- Excuse us.
We're here to pack up all
the belongings in this room.
What?
I'm... well, hold... wh-where
are you taking this stuff?
To a storage unit in
Westchester, New York.
Care of Rebecca Bunch.
No, no, no. That-that can't be right.
She's only at home with
her mom temporarily.
Okay? She's coming back.
You can't have this.
I'm keeping this. She's gonna
want this when she comes back.
I mean, I don't know
if she's coming back,
but she wouldn't not come back, right?
I don't know. Honestly?
It kind sounds like you
just need to move on, dude.
"Move on"?
That's harsh.
Oh, it's actually our slogan.
"Move On, Dude."
(elevator bell dings)
Morning.
Oh, God, this is so weird.
What, that Nathaniel's a furry?
- I know.
- No, not that.
What's weird is that Rebecca's
in Scarsdale and not here,
and I need to talk to her
about a personal issue.
You can talk to me, D-Money.
No, I can't.
It's about me and White Josh,
and you're so obsessed with us.
You just start talking
all that millennial-speak.
No, come on, please. Tell me
what's going on with you two.
Okay.
So...
We are not in a good space right now.
- And...
- O... M... G... What?
This can't be happening.
You guys are my hashtag goals,
I literally cannot with you guys.
You are the best humans.
You give me all the feels.
Okay, it's so weird,
you are obsessed with us.
I am. Totes. Hundo P.
Yeah. Well, I got to talk to Rebecca.
She's perceptive.
I mean, she knew White
Josh didn't want a baby
before anyone else did.
(fax machine whirring)
(shouts) What is that noise?
What's happening?
I think one of our computers is in pain.
It's our fax machine, loser.
DARRYL: Maya, get the fax.
(fax machine beeps)
Ow, it's hot.
It's so hot.
Probably from my dad. He
loves a good fax machine.
It's the only time I ever
heard him use the word "love."
- Oh.
- Let me see that.
(clears throat)
(clears throat) It's, uh, it's nothing.
Um, Rebecca resigned.
- Resigned? No.
- MAYA: This can't be happening.
Rebecca was supposed to be my mentor
for my mentor program,
Girl-Boss-Power-Force.
I have no one else.
Paula's out sick,
Karen took a leave of absence
to be a hand-and-foot model,
Mrs. Hernandez is such a bitch.
- Get LASIK, nerd.
- See what I mean?
All right, everyone listen up.
We're down a lawyer,
and that's bad news,
especially right now.
The time-share case is
not gonna settle itself.
I'll call the downtown office,
and have them send a
replacement for Rebecca.
What? You can't replace Rebecca.
DARRYL: Nathaniel, please.
Can we wait? Can we at
least just talk about this?
It's done. All right? This is happening.
We all just need to move on.
Everyone, back to work.
I don't want to hear her name.
I don't want anyone to
even think about Rebecca.
Got it?
(sighing): No.
No.
(birds chirping)
(insects chirping)
REBECCA (echoing): It is laughable
- that you're my boss.
- JOSH: I've had it.
I'm sick and tired of you.
I want you out of my life!
And don't call me Cookie!
I hate that name. I hate it.
- Rebecca, you need to calm down.
- Don't tell me to calm down.
(Rebecca and Marco grunting)
(whispers): No.
NAOMI: So.
I resigned you from Whitepepper,
and now I have drafted a cover
letter to your old law firm
to get your job back.
But we have to go over it.
Becca?
No, I... we don't need
to go over it, okay?
I'm-I'm... I... it's fine.
Just send it. Doesn't
matter. I'm sure it's good.
It is. It's very good, but...
(Naomi sighs)
Thank God I'm here
to scoop up the poop
behind the elephant.
Which is you, Rebecca!
You're the one who's pooping.
I'm sending the letter.
Work on your résumé.
- (upbeat music playing)
- _
Honey.
Please.
I think that's enough.
It's my friendaversary with Rebecca.
The night at Beans's party,
I went home and I friended
her, and she accepted.
And I know it's just an algorithm,
but they just... they picked
the cutest photos, I mean...
Look at this. This is
our first cookie pizza.
I mean, it's just a
cookie cut into triangles.
There's no cheese or anything.
And we were like, "Well, we should
just call it a big cookie,"
and that's when I started
to call her Cookie,
and now it's over.
(taps key)
- Okay, okay.
- (upbeat music playing)
This isn't healthy.
Uh... Paula.
You said you want to spend
more time with the family?
I think that would make
you feel a lot better.
And us, too.
We want to spend more time with you.
(louder): We all want to
spend more time with you.
Yes. We want to spend
more time with you, Mom.
TOMMY: Yeah. Quality time.
As a family.
We have so little time
before I go to college.
Dad, who are we kidding?
I'm not going to college.
TOMMY: Okay, look, Mom.
Dad already paid us off
to hang out with you,
and I spent that $20
on illegal fireworks,
so are we gonna hang out or what?
Well, that is a great offer,
but I don't want to do anything
but watch this video, so...
- SCOTT: What...
- (taps key)
Okay, that's it.
Tommy? Get it.
- No.
- Do it.
- No, but, Dad, not really...
- You heard me.
(sighs)
Fancy Fairy Funhouse?
But you guys hate that game.
You don't ever want to play that game
because you have those dumb penises.
I only get to play that game
(voice breaks): when my sister
is in town with her daughters.
(stammers)
Come on. We're doing this.
(crying)
Bring on the Fancy Fairy Fun.
NAOMI: Oh, no. Enough
already with the computer.
Come on. You've been
on that thing all day.
Let's go. Let's go to the mall.
Got to get your hair done, I can't stand
that depression frizz.
I can't. I'm busy.
I'm-I'm looking at my
résumé. I'm making tweaks.
Great. Let me see.
No, I was... not done.
Rebecca Bunch, I know what you're doing.
You're looking at porn, aren't you?
I know, that's what everyone does.
The choking, the
spanking, the cuckolding.
- Oh... okay...
- I'm not looking at porn.
- Oh, really? Okay?
- Yeah, leave me alone.
MAYA: My sources downtown
say the replacement
is a femme-identifying cis-gender woman.
That's a lady. She's a lady.
Yeah, but is she gonna be like Rebecca,
all pretty and cheery and Jewy?
You know what I mean...
Smart, and a little sneaky.
That did not come out
right. I am not a bigot.
I just... I talk too much, like a Jew.
Oh, no.
I hope she's a strong,
contemporary thigh-high feminist
like me and Rebecca,
you know what I mean?
Never talk again.
I just hope what happened
with me and Rebecca
doesn't happen again.
- Hmm?
- You know, the "will they
or won't they" sexual tension?
Our little peas in a pod thing?
Y-You guys didn't clock that?
Hmm...
(scoffs) So you guys didn't notice
the undeniable spark?
(laughs softly) Okay.
She's coming up from downstairs.
Don't be yourselves, I beg you.
The body's barely cool,
and you hired a new Rebecca.
That is heartless. I said
I didn't want to hear
the name "Rebecca" again.
She's not a new Rebecca, she's
a lawyer here to do a job.
She has nothing in common with Rebecca,
except for her job title.
(mumbles): Okay.
(elevator bell dings)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- Welcome to the firm.
- Hello.
I'm Cornelia Wickfield.
What a great face.
So sharply perceptive and honest.
I would love for you to weigh in
on a few personal issues
that I have on my plate.
I'm gonna e-mail you
and I'm gonna give you
all the background 411.
- Okay.
- DARRYL: Mm-hmm.
How do you feel about Lena Dunham
and do you think pumpkin
spice lattes are basic or no?
Also, are diets okay? Hi.
NATHANIEL: Ignore them. They are idiots.
Let's get you set up.
As you know, we are down an attorney
- and we have a lot of work to do.
- Yes, I reviewed all the cases.
I'm all caught up.
Just show me my desk
and I'll get to work.
Perfect.
Whoa. Lot of personality on this one.
I mean, did you guys see that?
- Hmm?
- Flint and steel.
(imitates spark) Spark sound!
(snoring lightly)
(snorts)
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
_
_
_
Becky, no.
Hey, Cornelia.
If you're not too busy, I'm
applying for this mentor-ship
and I just need a woman in
my workplace to sponsor me.
Oh, I did this mentor-ship.
It's excellent.
Looks like you just
need a signature here.
You got it. Here you go.
Stop. Stop. Shut up.
Just stop and shut up.
You're too amazing.
Honestly, just shut it down,
pull the metal grate over your face,
and put up a sign because you are shut!
Okay.
- You're welcome.
- I can't with her.
I had to leave because I couldn't even.
Hey. Hi.
Did you get my e-mail
about the Madigan estate trust case?
I did. Um, you spent the
majority of the e-mail
laying out the details
of your own relationship
with someone named White.
White Josh. Yeah,
sorry, that was a typo.
You have got to meet him.
You would love him and
it would break your heart
to think he might never father a child.
I'm gonna just stop you.
Um, since we're coworkers,
we probably shouldn't be
discussing personal matters so much.
But if it helps,
I just read a review of
a book on relationships
in The New York Times.
I'm happy to send you a link.
You would do that for me?
You would send me a link
to pertinent literature
that I could read?
Maya. Maya.
I also can't even couldn't.
Hey.
Oh. Sorry.
I'm such a klutz. (laughs)
It's okay.
Oh, sesquipedalian.
I know what that means.
It means polysyllabic.
That's not even mine.
I was gonna recycle it.
- Do you want it?
- A gift?
For me?
Sure.
♪ In one ♪
♪ Indescribable instant ♪
♪ The whole world falls away. ♪
Nope.
Hey. You okay?
I hope these losers
aren't bothering you.
Oh, no, it's fine.
I'm not usually this popular.
And downtown, everyone is so formal.
We mostly communicate via fax.
Which reminds me,
I have to send off these documents.
Work, work, work. Love that.
So refreshing.
She's exactly what's
been missing around here.
Becca.
Hmm?
Hello.
Hmm.
Hello.
How long was I asleep?
A long time.
You must be really tired, I guess.
Hmm.
You feeling better?
Not really.
I kind of just want to
go back to sleep forever.
- What's that?
- This?
It's for you. It's a
strawberry milkshake.
Ugh, is that some sort of,
like, fat-free, dairy-free,
80-calorie blorch?
No, honey. I made it
with real ice cream.
You haven't eaten in a few days
and, well, I know you love shakes.
Okay.
Thank you, I guess.
You gonna try it?
This is the first time in my life
you've ever encouraged me to eat.
Okay, if you don't want it,
you don't have to have it.
No. No, I'll try it.
- This is not bad.
- Enjoy.
I like your walk.
Heel-toe, heel-toe.
What a stride.
I have a tendency to pronate,
so I try to walk evenly.
Love it. Ugh. Amazing. Gold. Queen.
Sorry, I have to file these.
Hey, so, um, this weekend,
I'm doing a vagina refresh seminar.
We sun her, we steam her,
we put crystals in her.
I bought two tickets.
Are you interested?
No, thank you. I'm busy.
Oh, okay. Well, maybe next time.
Maybe.
Cornelia, this book is incredible.
I have a pathological need for approval
that prevents me from
engaging in conflict.
You should be a
therapist. You're spot-on.
I didn't say that. And
I didn't read the book,
but okay.
I think my issues stem from my father
because he said that I
had an ugly upper lip,
which is why I hide behind
this luxuriant mustache.
Oh, feel it, feel it. It's amazing.
No, thank you.
Some other time.
Ooh.
(chuckles)
(laughs)
We're dancing.
Stand still, please, and
I will walk around you.
Thank you.
(chuckles)
Oh, us.
Here is the second draft of
the brief for the time-share.
Second?
The first draft was
excellent, very, very smart.
You work so diligently.
That's what you pay me for.
You show up on time, you
haven't thrown anything at me.
Haven't seen you compress
a donut into a tiny ball
and swallow it whole.
And you appear to have
no interest in whimsical trips to Rome.
Can't dispute those very specific facts.
What school did you go to again?
Yale and Harvard,
but I never mention
it unless someone asks.
Wow. (clicks tongue)
You are a breath of fresh air, Cornelia.
Thank you, sir.
- I'll get back to work.
- Okay.
(sighs)
Ah. (laughs)
Bop, you're the princess. Boom.
TOMMY: Wait, why are
you bopping Brendan?
I totally have more
fairy dust than he does.
BRENDAN: Oh!
Boom. Sucks to be you. That makes me
the pixie princess, bitches.
Now give me all your gumdrops.
I'm heading to the frosty cotillion.
- (groans)
- BRENDAN: Thank you, thanks.
TOMMY: Wait, can we just do this again?
I totally messed up at
the Rainbow Rainforest.
You guys, this is really fun.
Thank you.
- Let's just...
- Roll, roll.
Okay.
NAOMI: Seven-letter word,
second letter "U," blank... tension.
What could this be?
Surface?
Surface tension?
"S-U-R-F-A-C... "
Yes.
Yes, it fits.
- It fits.
- Mm.
It works with 15 down, Esai Morales.
Oh, well, it's always Esai Morales.
- I know, it is.
- (laughs)
(laughing): It is.
Get over here, smarty pants.
I'm gonna need help with 17 down.
It's a science thing. You know
I know bupkes about science.
And you're so good at it.
(clears throat)
You sure you don't need
to be doing whatever it is
that you... have been
doing on the computer?
(exhales)
Not right now, no.
Okay.
- So... 17 down.
- (sighs)
It was a silly idea. You don't have
to do it if you don't want to.
NAOMI: I don't have to, I want to.
You know, I'm sorry
I never tried these on
when you bought them for us in 2004.
(laughs)
I was having a fat year.
I thought my ass looked
like a watermelon.
Yeah, well, you look great.
Thank you.
(laughs) Mmm.
God, these are so delicious. It's funny.
The cold kind of gives
my head a buzzy feeling
and my ears are ringing a little bit.
Yeah, me, too. Same thing happens to me
whenever I have a cold
shake. Brain freeze.
Brain freeze. Right.
(laughs)
Why are you being so nice to me?
What do you mean? I'm always nice.
Not really.
I am your mother.
I can see that you need me.
You need a little TLC.
Okay, well, thank you.
Of course. Now, you
haven't had any solid food,
so let me make you something.
How about popcorn?
Let me make you popcorn.
That would go great with your shake.
Yeah, that would be great.
Okay.
♪ ♪
♪ I used to think my
mother was the worst ♪
♪ That if she didn't kill
me, I'd kill her first ♪
♪ But now birds are singing ♪
♪ The flowers are pink ♪
♪ Yes, spring is here ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm starting
to think that ♪
♪ Maybe she's not such a
heinous bitch after all ♪
♪ Maybe, maybe ♪
♪ Maybe, maybe, baby, baby ♪
♪ Maybe she's not such a
heinous bitch after all ♪
♪ Maybe, maybe, she's
nicer to her baby ♪
♪ I don't want to bash
her head in with this cup ♪
♪ It may sound harsh, but
that's a huge step up ♪
♪ Maybe she's not such ♪
♪ A heinous bitch after all ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I still hate her,
don't get me wrong ♪
♪ Really hate her,
genuinely hate her ♪
♪ But it's more like the way ♪
♪ Normal girls hate their moms ♪
♪ Every daughter
kinda hates their mom ♪
♪ All I ever prayed for every day ♪
♪ Was to resent my mother ♪
♪ In a regular way ♪
♪ Maybe she's not
such a heinous bitch ♪
♪ After all ♪
♪ Sit beside her ♪
♪ So weird you lived inside her ♪
♪ Maybe old age has
tamed this witch ♪
♪ And made her a doll ♪
♪ But like one of those
evil, haunted dolls ♪
♪ She's being so nice,
it fills my soul ♪
♪ For once I don't want her
to have a cancerous mole ♪
♪ Dark ♪
♪ Maybe she's not
such a heinous bitch ♪
♪ After all ♪
♪ I know it sounds like ♪
♪ I'm falling in love ♪
♪ In love ♪
♪ Well, when we're finding a mate ♪
♪ It's our parents
we're thinking of ♪
♪ Thinking of ♪
♪ My relationship with her
was my first failed romance ♪
♪ And now finally the cute boy's ♪
♪ Asking me to dance ♪
♪ Maybe she's not
such a heinous bitch ♪
- ♪ After all ♪
- ♪ Say yes ♪
♪ It's time to acquiesce ♪
♪ Maybe she's not
such a heinous bitch ♪
♪ After all ♪
♪ Since you were born ♪
♪ She's never made you popcorn ♪
♪ Maybe she's not
such a heinous bitch ♪
♪ After all ♪
♪ Ooh-wah. ♪
(clears throat) Are you sure
you want to play Twister, Mom?
- What about your trick knee?
- Eh, I'll go get my brace.
Oh, well, then I'm
not going easy on you.
(both chuckle)
- (doorbell rings)
- Oh, I'll get it.
Ugh, Audra Levine, what do you want?
Oh, I made you a taco casserole.
Hear you haven't been
doing so good. (chuckles)
God, busted wedding, and now you're here
with your awful mother... ugh!
You must just want to die.
Actually, I don't.
Because my mother and I
are getting along very well.
So, bye...
Getting along with Naomi?
(scoffs) Where's her body?
Sorry, is that Twister?
Yeah. You know what,
Audra, it's Twister.
My mother and I are about
to play a trust-building game
of physical skill and fun.
Everything's different
now. My mother accepts me.
Yeah, right. Of course.
'Cause what do opinionated
Jewish mothers do
when they turn 60?
They change.
Tell me, what did you do
to earn this miraculous
acceptance from your mother?
I'm curious.
Well, I got sad and came home,
and refused to shower,
and stayed up all night,
and she felt sad for me, and
now she's taking care of me.
Yeah, you're a smart girl.
That doesn't make any sense.
NAOMI: This thing
smells from knee sweat,
and now I got some gas.
You're welcome.
Audra.
Audra Levine.
- Hello.
- Whoa.
- Wonderful to see you.
- (smooches)
Will you be staying for some board games
and some ice cream, honey?
Okay, I don't know what this is,
but it's scary.
And I'm not sticking
around for the murder-Sui.
Rebecca, she's up to something.
And if you don't know what
it is, then it's working.
Bye, Naomi.
Bye, Audra. (smooches)
- NAOMI: Have a great day.
- AUDRA: Mm-hmm.
What a bitch. Up to something?
You know what I'm up to?
I'm up to whuppin' your
tuchus in that game.
That's what I'm up to.
And before we start, you need some fuel.
How about another shake, stat?
Okay. (clicks tongue)
I'm gonna miss you guys at work today.
Ugh, I am not looking
forward to it anyway.
It's gonna be tough not
seeing Rebecca at her desk.
Then don't.
Just call in sick for
the rest of the week.
That's a great idea.
We could actually go on a vacation.
You call in sick, too.
What? No.
Yeah. Come on.
It'll get my mind off Rebecca.
And I am working on a case
with a time-share
company in Palm Springs,
and they love me.
And they said anytime
that I wanted to stay,
all I had to do was e-mail and go.
I've seen pictures.
They got a nice pool area
with a swim-up bar.
Tommy does love a swim-up bar.
He loves to drink while he pees.
- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
Hey, Corns? Sit with me.
'Neelia. 'Neelia, I got dark chocolate.
Look at, dark chocolate.
Thought we could ironically
read our horoscopes
and talk about how shallow
everyone in the office is.
Thanks, everyone.
I'm just waiting for my burrito,
and then I have some stuff to look at
on my... phone.
I'll stand here.
See what you guys are doing?
You're creeping her out.
That's sexist. You're trying
to silence our sisterhood.
Right, Neels-on-Wheels?
(laughs) I know, right?
- I didn't say anything.
- Didn't have to.
- Want to chat?
- Ow! No.
- I'm just make a burrito...
- Sorry.
... to eat while I work.
You're hurting her!
I'm okay, I'm not hurt.
Is that still frozen?
Uh, yeah, I like it that way.
I'm, um, I'm teething.
I'm sorry, I saw that.
You're really getting bombarded.
Permission to speak freely?
- Granted.
- Well, I like how friendly everyone is,
but it's getting to
be, pardon my language,
a bit much.
They're freaks. Tell you what.
I have to go to Palm Springs
for another time-share meeting.
You want to come with?
- They're not going, are they?
- Absolutely not.
Oh, God, look at them.
Yes, let's go, please.
Okay.
- SkinnyMom1958.
- _
Damn it, she changed it.
NAOMI: Rebecca, you okay out there?
Yeah, Mom, I'm fine.
Uh, enjoy your soak.
You deserve it after
that "left foot blue,
right hand yellow" tumble.
_
♪ ♪
My God.
And this is the Brazilian-themed
aquatic recreation center.
Mr. Robertson almost
took a trip to Brazil,
but he didn't, because
he's afraid to fly.
But he looked up some images online,
and he was inspired to create this.
This pool, in particular,
is his passion project,
and he's very upset about being sued.
When he advertised
mountain views from the swim-up bar,
he didn't realize there weren't any,
because he's also afraid to swim.
Are you sure there are no
mountain views from the bar?
You know what, it's
hard to tell from here.
I think I see a peak
between those buildings.
Yeah, I see that, too.
Although, the closer we get to the bar,
the more obstructed the view is.
I think we need to get a
photo from the swim-up bar.
- Yes.
- You know what?
I have a swimsuit in my car.
I'll just hop in and do it.
You wait here.
Sir, you shouldn't
have to get in the pool.
I'll grab a suit from the
gift shop and take care of it.
Please.
Let's both grab a suit.
Gift shop's this way.
- This place is great.
- Yeah, good score, Mom.
(Paula chuckles)
- Oh, I'm so glad we did this.
- SCOTT: Me, too.
Hey, here. This is perfect.
You know, I just...
I needed to get away from work, and...
I mean, I love those people, I do,
but, dear God,
what a bunch of needy misfits.
Ooh.
(sighs, chuckles)
Ah...
- Oh, God!
- Honey?
Oh... that is my boss.
I called in sick... I don't
want him to see me and...
Wait, who is that woman?
What is going on?
Oh, I don't know.
That woman walks very evenly.
She must have a tendency to pronate.
If you're standing here,
there's technically a bit of a view.
- Right here, if you lean over.
- Great.
You are so professional.
Even in a swim-up bar. It's amazing.
I'm sorry?
Well, it's just that...
some people in your position
would behave differently.
Some people, who I
definitely don't think about
or talk about at all anymore,
they would not have
gone into that gift shop
and selected a conservative
one-piece, like you did.
They would have picked
out a ridiculous bikini,
and they'd be slinging their
boobs all over the place.
- I'm sorry, what?
- And they'd be provoking me
and zinging me and
challenging my world view.
And warming my heart...
Thank God that's not happening.
Thank God I don't have
that in my life anymore.
(laughs)
(voice breaking): I'm sorry.
I'm not crying. I'm not crying.
It's just the chlorine
in this water is...
Oh, sir, you're okay.
I mean, I think you're okay.
I don't know what's going on.
You're crying, and
I'm in a bathing suit.
How did this happen?
(sobs)
Becky? I was thinking we
could do each other's toes.
You've been drugging me.
(scoffs)
Oh, this makes so much sense, of course.
Of course you didn't change.
The only reason I was feeling
better is 'cause you gave me
these drugs... that blitzed me
out and made my ears buzz.
I had no choice. I
saw all your websites.
Your suicide websites.
I had to do something.
So you gave me medication
without my consent?
Lest you forget, young lady, we
have been through this before.
That suicide attempt in college,
and then you tried to
burn down someone's house.
And each time, you refused help,
so, yes, yes,
I decided to give you
some of the anxiety pills
that the doctor gave me
for the High Holidays.
I just wanted to calm
you down so we could talk
and I could convince
you to go away somewhere.
- Commit me?
- (clicks tongue)
I'm sorry, you wanted to commit me?
That is such a dramatic word.
You made me think that you loved me.
You gave me hope when I had none.
And now that hope is gone.
I do love you.
- I'm just trying to help you.
- Help?
You were never any help.
Rebecca...
Rebecca, wait!
NATHANIEL: I'm sorry.
(clears throat) I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be talking about this.
It's just that I've been going
through a lot lately because...
You know what?
Don't tell me, okay?
I think it's best if
we just call it a day
and go back to the office.
MAYA: Corns!
Neels!
Yaya!
CORNELIA: Oh, God,
these jack-holes.
So that's your boss, Mom?
And all of your coworkers?
- Ee-yep.
- Very cool.
Why are you all here?
Well, you know, we never circled back
about that conversation we
had about my relationship.
And I followed you and
then they followed me,
like the psychopaths that
they are. And here we are.
I called dibs on talking to
you first, because I'm a woman,
but they don't respect women or dibs.
JIM: Cornelia, let's blow this joint,
go into town, try on some
vintage bowling shirts to music.
MAYA: Dude, stop. She has three
children and a husband.
But does he make you laugh?
DARRYL: Cornelia, ignore him,
ignore both of them.
You like me the most, right?
I mean,
you and I have a bond, right?
- We have a sisterhood.
- We have a... oh, what is this?
DARRYL: Pick me!
Pick me, Cornelia, pick me!
You like me best. You like
me best, I know you do!
No, I nominate me.
No, honestly, you have
a connection with me.
Like a therapy session
that I've never...
I told you all
not to follow me.
(overlapping shouting)
There's a very good chance...
- Listen to me!
- Come on!
(overlapping shouting continues)
Please!
♪ I feel like this isn't about me ♪
♪ I feel like this isn't about me ♪
♪ Clearly they're projecting
all of their feelings ♪
♪ About a person I've never met ♪
♪ And making it about me ♪
I'm telling you guys, from the
moment she walked in the room,
there was just such chemistry.
It was love at first sight!
♪ Bah, bah, bah,
bah, bah, bah, bah ♪
♪ I'm not the best
with social cues ♪
♪ But this one's pretty clear ♪
♪ This isn't about her ♪
♪ About her ♪
♪ This reminds me to
try the Brazilian place ♪
♪ With the live band and
the meat on the stick ♪
♪ That they carve ♪
BOTH: ♪ Right at the table ♪
♪ Right at the table ♪
♪ Right at the table ♪
♪ Right at the table ♪
(overlapping shouting continues)
Hey!
(music stops) I'm going back to L.A.
to file several HR complaints.
I look forward to
collecting a settlement
and finally opening up
my custom yo-yo business.
You guys... are a mess.
Bye!
Have you been crying?
Your eyes are all red.
Oh, yeah.
PAULA: What the hell...
is going on?
I take one vacation!
And, Jim, you... are ripped.
- It's just protein shakes.
- Nice. They're working.
Becky?
Where are you?
Rebecca Nora Bunch!
Did you crawl out of
a window or something?
Where did she go?
- _
- What?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me, miss?
Are you okay?
(raspy): I don't know.
Man, I take one fake
vacation for a few days
and you guys lose your minds.
- That poor woman.
- Yeah, I know.
The thing is, Cornelia
reminded me of Rebecca.
Reminded all of us of Rebecca.
NATHANIEL: Not me. To me,
she was the opposite of Rebecca,
which only made me miss her even more.
Look, we love her. We always will.
But we have got to move on.
She's got her life, we have ours.
And maybe that has
just got to be enough.
You're right.
White Josh and I have got to
deal with our relationship.
I'm gonna call him, I'm
gonna take him to a yurt,
we're gonna take some
ayahuasca and figure it out,
no matter how long it takes.
Thank you, Paula.
(sighs heavily)
- It's not gonna be easy without her.
- Yeah.
You okay?
No, but I will be.
I just hope, wherever
she is, she's happy.
REBECCA: Actually,
yeah, you can help me.
This is gonna sound a
little crazy, but, um,
I-I need to get off the plane.
I bought a ticket to go to
L.A. when I was in New York.
But I'm just remembering now,
that everyone in L.A. either hates me
and/or thinks I'm crazy, so,
New York isn't my home,
but L.A. isn't either.
So, all I need you to do,
is just drop me off
in, like, Ohio or Idaho?
In a cornfield somewhere.
Sorry, hon.
We really can't just drop people off.
But you can get off the plane
in L.A. and buy a new ticket.
True, true.
Yeah.
The thing is, I'm just too tired
to... buy things or do
things or get things
or say things or face things.
Tell you what, we have
a Merlot that is...
the only one we have.
Do you want a glass of that?
- Sure, that sounds great.
- I got you, girl.
(sighs heavily)
(exhales)
(pills rattle)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Do you need anything else?
No.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Yes...
(voice echoing indistinctly)
_
♪ ♪
_
That's fine. No, that's all right.
- Hi. Everything okay?
- I need help.