Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - Episode #3.13 - full transcript
Previously on
"Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"...
- Rebecca.
- Trent?!
Oh, my God!
What are you doing here?!
I'm gonna have to blackmail you
into being my girlfriend again.
You should know by now
that I'm not interested.
I thought we were written
in the stars,
but I guess I was wrong.
Feeling a little emotional.
I think it's 'cause everything
in this town reminds me of Darryl.
The three of us are just
gonna have a baby together.
It's no big deal.
We don't keep secrets
and we don't lie to each other, okay?
We've discussed it and we don't do it.
Trent doesn't just have dirt
on me.
- He has dirt on you, too.
- Oh, my God.
Turns out I'm not only
good at ruining my own life,
I'm really good at... ruining
other people's lives.
I'm gonna mail him my poop,
but tell him it's cupcakes.
I slept with my ex-boyfriend's dad.
You kidnapped my mother!
I may have ordered a hit
on Nathaniel's girlfriend, Mona.
I mean, sometimes I do
things that aren't great.
No, you're good.
I know you really well, Rebecca,
and you're a good person.
♪ Crazy is when I go off the rails ♪
♪ This is what you've done to me ♪
♪ Crazy is how your
loving makes me feel ♪
♪ This is what I always want to be ♪
♪ I like it when a
girl gets crazy in bed ♪
♪ Don't mess with the bitch
who's crazy in the head ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
- ♪ You don't ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
- ♪ And you don't ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
♪ To clarify, yes, no on the crazy ♪
♪ We hope this helps. ♪
What?
*CRAZY EX- GIRLFRIEND*
Season 03 Episode 13
Title: "Nathaniel is irrelevent"
♪ ♪
Good morning, baby girl.
We look beautiful today.
Why are you here?
You said you went away.
Oh, I'll never leave you.
I will always be by your side.
We're one and the same, me and you.
It's a dream.
Don't you like this rug?
- Yeah, it's not bad.
- I think it'd be great
for the living room. It's beautiful.
It's tasteful, practical,
it's fun.
It's perfect.
Yes, it is, it is.
It's perfect.
It literally is perfect.
I don't know.
I-I'm just not in love with it.
- Okay. We'll find something else.
- Okay.
You know, I think we're the
only couple in here not fighting.
Ooh, okay, well, let's find
something to fight about.
What do you not like about me?
Ah, well, you cheated on me a ton.
Okay.
I should've seen that coming.
I don't know why
I thought that
would
be a fun game to play.
- I've made a grave error.
- Come on.
Okay, Heather, how are
you feeling this morning?
Yeah, it's a lot of
people. I know it's weird.
Darryl invited them all.
Well, it's a week until your due date,
so this could be your last
appointment.
I want all my loved ones around me.
So, I brought...
Oh, Auntie Paula, two-time
mother, birthing sage,
unofficial supervisor
of this whole enterprise.
I'm Hector, Heather's boyfriend,
and surprisingly cool
with this whole situation.
- He's the only one I invited.
- I'm Valencia.
I like to record things for posterity
and my own sense of self.
I know what it's about now.
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
There's a long line
in the cafeteria.
This is my girlfriend, Beth.
We're in a love bubble, so
we always like to be together.
Mwah.
Oh, that was good.
Sorry, guys. Is it too much?
A little.
Oh. I'm Rebecca.
I donated the egg,
so that thing has my DNA in it,
so good luck with that.
And I'm Dr. Pratt and
I'm gonna be delivering the baby,
so I'm also important.
You know what?
You got this.
You look,
you look like a doctor.
I'm so tired.
I'm just gonna take a nap
on, uh, that gurney outside.
Yeah.
And the rest of you are
just gonna stay?
Oh, yeah.
No, it's fine.
I mean, one way or another,
we've all seen one, so...
All right, let's get started.
Heather, uh, any concerns?
Oh, yeah, um, birth.
So, I agreed to carry this baby
for free
because
I'm whimsical and random,
but now I have to give
birth to a baby... uh, oops.
So, can you just, like,
hit me in the head with a hammer
and wake me up when it's over
like they did in the '50s?
Oh, honey, no.
No, no, no, no.
You don't want
to miss birth.
It's an awe-inspiring
and powerful experience.
Yeah, but, like,
does it hurt?
Well, women report different levels
of discomfort depending...
Ah, Ba-Ba-Ba,
Dr. No Vagina.
Yes, it hurts,
but it is so worth it.
Okay, listen up.
Mama is gonna tell you how
wonderful birth really is.
♪ Of all the mystery and wonder ♪
♪ And beauty on this Earth ♪
♪ Nothing can compare ♪
♪ To the miracle of birth ♪
♪ Well, your cervix
has been closed ♪
♪ And plugged with mucus ♪
♪ But soon that viscous
plug will be discharged ♪
It's called the bloody show.
♪ And explosive diarrhea ♪
♪ Means that labor's
drawing nearer ♪
♪ And those sharp,
painful contractions ♪
♪ 'Cause your cervix to enlarge ♪
- Beautiful.
- _
♪ Then you'll race your ass ♪
♪ Over to the hospital ♪
♪ Where they'll strap you in
for the hell ride of your life ♪
It's what your body's made for.
♪ You'll soon be in so much pain ♪
♪ That you'll probably exclaim ♪
♪ "Please, just kill me now,
doctor, doula or midwife" ♪
♪ Tear, tear, tear
goes your vagina ♪
♪ Never will it be ♪
♪ Its cute little self again ♪
♪ But the good news is ♪
♪ If you have a few more kids ♪
♪ The rest will
basically plop right out ♪
Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
♪ After hours and
hours of utter torture ♪
♪ You may poop yourself
and/or throw up ♪
♪ As you bear down ♪
'Cause you're a goddess.
♪ And though you've
never been this tired ♪
♪ Wait, here comes
the ring of fire ♪
♪ That's your vagina
bursting into flames ♪
♪ As the head starts to crown ♪
♪ Burn, burn, burn,
goes your vagina ♪
Oh...
♪ And you'll curse
and scream until ♪
♪ You hear a cry ♪
It's your baby!
♪ And, oops, there it went-a ♪
♪ That was the placenta ♪
♪ Which you must expel
or you will surely die ♪
♪ When it's all over ♪
♪ They'll place the
baby on your breast ♪
♪ You may be happy for a moment ♪
♪ But then for months
you'll be depressed ♪
♪ 'Cause you've wrecked
your life and body ♪
♪ You'll think, "Was
it really worth ♪
♪ "All that for the miracle ♪
♪ Of birth?" ♪
But of course it was!
Am I right, Dr. Pratt?
Isn't it a beautiful...
So, what was with you back
there in the exam room?
Ugh, I'm sorry about that.
I just haven't been sleeping.
What?
I keep having nightmares
about Trent.
I don't know.
He's still in my head.
Yeah. I've been feeling
guilty about that a lot lately.
Why are you feeling guilty?
It was, it was my idea to find
a fake boyfriend on Facebook
to make Josh jealous,
and I feel terrible
because I brought this
monster into your life.
Into our life, so...
No. You have nothing
to feel guilty about.
First of all,
I was in on that with you,
and then I let him stay
with me and cook for me
and clean for me and,
I mean, I took his virginity.
So, Trent is not your fault.
Well, I mean, regardless,
it would make perfect sense
you're having bad dreams
about him.
I mean, he tried to
blackmail you, and me.
Yes, he tried to... you're right.
He tried to blackmail both of us.
He did.
He tried to blackmail us.
Well, listen,
don't worry.
He is gone.
I still have a tracker on him
and I check his Instagram
every day.
He... is in Iowa...
with his mom.
Yeah, you're right.
- He's gone. He's gone.
- Yup.
It's-it's in my head.
Did you
hear what I just said?
- Yeah.
- In the, uh, in the Harding case,
we should
depose the CEO and CFO.
Exactly. And if...
You don't look great.
Are you okay?
Yeah. I, uh, I just
haven't been sleeping much.
- Pretty tired.
- Ah.
I've been meaning to tell
you, um...
I'm having a party Friday
night and you are not invited.
Okay.
Yeah. Mona and I
are moving in together.
Wow.
Oh. Cool.
We are, um, having a few
people over for a little soiree,
and, you know, some of the more
tolerable people from
the office are coming.
I didn't want you
to get blindsided
if you'd heard about it.
I see, uh...
Congratulations.
I'm happy for you.
Well, that's big of you.
I want you to be happy.
I'm the one who broke
things off with you.
Like, I'm not insane.
The hell?
I... I just... I saw...
Is everything all right?
Are you okay?
So I think I'm losing my mind.
Uh, I might be having
dissociative episodes.
So what happened is
i hallucinated Trent this morning.
Like, I saw him.
I mean, I've been seeing
him in my dreams for days,
which is one thing,
but seeing apparitions
of him in real life?
Well, maybe
it's not mental illness.
Maybe it's just your imagination.
Our imagination can do
crazy things.
Sometimes, I imagine that
I'm a pilgrim.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Mm.
Thank you for that, Bert.
I appreciate that.
And thank you, everyone,
for coming here on such short
notice in between sessions.
I just couldn't wait
until Monday, you know?
You offered to buy us all
crudo, so, yeah, I'm here.
How have you
been feeling lately?
Have you scanned
your emotional system, or whatever?
Uh, okay. Uh, let me do a quick scan.
Boop, boop, boop.
Oh, God, I'm so guilty.
I just feel guilt. It's just guilt.
It's crushing, overwhelming
amounts of guilt,
for all the things that
I've done to people lately.
I mean, not even lately,
all the things I've done to people
since I moved here.
And there are things people
don't even know about.
Like what?
Eh, I don't really
want to talk about it.
Does that really matter?
- Kind of, yeah. Yes.
- Of course it does.
Okay, point is, I've done some
not great things to people,
and I think what's killing me
is I always get away with it.
I don't know why.
Is it because I'm
smarter than other people?
Maybe I'm cuter?
Maybe it's 'cause you manipulate people.
Okay, well, stop talking, Rick,
or I'm gonna give your hamachi to Lana.
That proves your point.
Yep. I do that.
You know, if you're feeling guilty,
maybe you could confess
the bad things you've done.
Like recently,
I apologized
to all ten of my children
because I haven't been
that present in their lives,
and I feel a lot better.
Oh, Bert, wow. Confess?
Maybe that would make
the apparitions or ghosts
or memory of Trent...
Whatever it is... go away.
Oof, it's gonna be difficult,
but... okay.
All right, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna get it off my chest.
Got it.
So, who called this meeting again?
I don't know.
The subject line says "The Purge,"
so are we throwing up or
watching a horror movie or what?
Oh, good,
you got my Google Cal invite.
Honey, what's this about?
I will tell you. I'll
tell you everything.
We're just waiting on
one more person.
Sorry I'm late.
Someone asked me to change
the water cooler on the way in.
Rebecca,
what is this?
I have some things to say, and...
it's gonna be brutal.
So, during the birth,
in the delivery room,
Valencia will be doing the video.
Hector, snacks, obviously.
Beth, coffee.
Paula, wisdom and ice chips.
And I don't know what
Rebecca is gonna do,
so she can be a floater.
So that's everyone.
Yeah. Okay, actually, no one is gonna be
in the delivery room,
Darryl, just you.
Okay? We're gonna do this how I want.
It might be your baby,
but it's my birth,
and I'm terrified.
I mean, after that
talk with Paula, like,
I'm freaking freaked out.
My downstairs is gonna
look like beef tartare.
But everybody loves you,
and they all want to be
by your side.
Why are you so obsessed with
making this birth a group hang?
It is not a group hang;
I'm just having a few people over.
- What?
- These people are my family,
my support system, my rock.
They love me.
And they love that I
look like Tom Selleck.
And they love making me
oatmeal in the morning.
Oh.
This is about Tom Selleck.
No, I'm kidding. It's about WiJo.
You miss him.
I would've put that
together ages ago,
but I have such major
baby brain.
Did you know that
brains shrink
three to five percent during pregnancy?
I can't remember
who told me that.
Anyway, so,
do you, like, regret
breaking up with WiJo?
Do you want to be with him again?
I don't know.
I just miss my friend.
Oh, Darryl, that's sweet.
And I would love
to talk with you more about this,
but I am having some wicked
Braxton Hicks right now.
Wait, are you okay?
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Braxton Hicks are just the
practice contractions, remember?
Oh.
Oh, ow.
Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight.
Bowling ball, bowling ball,
bowling ball, bowling ball.
Oh, does it hurt?
Maybe it's not a practice contraction.
Maybe this is a real one.
No, I don't think so.
I mean, I did see a
bloody clump of mucus fall
into the toilet bowl earlier, but...
Wow. The miracle of birth.
Mm-hmm.
Ha... man.
Is it another Toni Braxton?
Oh, that unbreaks my heart.
Um, no. I'll-I'll let you
know when they get painful.
Oh, it's right now.
- Oh!
- Ah, it's right now.
- Oh!
- Oh... So get the car.
- Get the car right now.
- It's right now. Okay, thank you.
Oh... Toni Braxton.
Oh... Brandy and Monica.
Aaliyah?
Anybody?
All right.
I knew this was gonna be really hard,
so I made some lists.
So, I have one for each of you.
Uh, and basically this is
a-a list of all of the things
that I have done,
that I should have told
you all about, um...
It's bad.
It's-it's... just-just
to warn you, it's bad.
It's, like, really...
it's, like, really bad.
It's bad. So just, uh... look.
You almost had
my Lolo killed?
What's a "Lolo"?
Oh. "Lolo" means grandpa.
You didn't notice I was
going through an abortion?
Oh, oh. I'm s... I'm s... God.
I'm so sorry. Clerical error.
Just, you should have this one,
and you should have that one.
Wow, off to a great start.
Well, mine's obviously
for me, because it says
you put out
a hit on my girlfriend Mona?
Why does it say
"having sex with Greg's dad"?
Ugh.
You had sex with Greg's dad. Right.
No you didn't. No.
No way.
- That's on mine, too.
- Mine, too.
Yeah, um, so I just...
I didn't know what list to put that on.
I just thought everyone should know.
You lied...
about Trent blackmailing me?
You sent me poop?
- Your poop?
- Shut up, Josh.
So-so...
So Trent didn't blackmail me.
And you...
manipulated me and lied to me
to get me to commit federal crimes,
even though I didn't want to?
Sorry, back up.
Someone tried to kill my Lolo?
Ah, that was more me.
I like to think I wasn't
really gonna go through with it,
but whatever; even if I did,
he had a nice long life.
Mona, on the other hand...
This isn't right. This is a mistake.
You promised me so many times
that you wouldn't lie to me anymore.
I trusted you.
I didn't even check on what
you told me about Trent,
because I just believed you.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I told you.
I told you, it's bad.
It's really, really bad.
And that's why I just,
I wanted to get it out in the open,
and tell you... no.
Paula. Paula.
No, no, no, Paula. Oh, Paula.
Rebecca tried to have
my father deported?
Again, that was me.
But to be fair,
I was promised sex.
Oh, God.
Okay, I deserve that.
I deserve that.
Hey, hey.
I know, I know, it's bad.
- And I am so sorry if I hurt you.
- You're sorry "if"?
I was going through a very tough time.
- I barely remember half those...
- It was last week.
That is true,
but it's not representative
of the person that I really am.
But it obviously is. I mean,
you did it.
I just, I just... I can't believe this.
You have let me down
so many times.
And I am such a fool.
I am a sucker.
You are never going to be
any different.
Oh, forget it! I am taking the stairs.
Oh, God!
Leave me alone, you turtlenecked
manifestation of my guilt.
I did it. I confessed everything.
So you have no reason
to be here anymore.
Leave me alone.
Never, my love.
Okay, seriously?
Go away.
Go away, ghost.
Boo!
Oh, God, you're real.
Trent, what are you doing here?
You said you were leaving.
God, I thought you were in Iowa.
Io-was.
But I missed you,
and now I'm-a-back.
I have unfinished business here.
What? What could it be?
Blackmailing me again?
You can't.
I told everyone everything.
God. Trent, I'm never gonna
be your girlfriend, ever.
So just get that through your head.
Oh, we're way past that.
I know that's never gonna happen.
Now I just want you to feel as
badly as you've made me feel.
So be careful, Rebecca.
Because I'm one scary,
scary, sexy man.
Well, what are you gonna do?
Oh. It's no fun if I tell you.
Hi, Paula. It's Rebecca.
I know we're in a big fight
right now,
but you got to call me
back; it's an emergency.
I saw Trent. I saw him.
He was here at the office,
and I'm really, really scared.
And I'm trying to use
your tracking device,
but I don't know how it works.
So please just give
me a call back, okay?
Call me.
Hi, Paula. It's Rebecca.
I know we're in a big fight
right now,
but you got to call me back;
it's an emergency.
I saw Trent.
I saw him.
He was here at the office,
and I'm really, really scared.
And I'm trying to use
your tracking device,
but I don't know how it works.
So please just give me a
call back, okay? Call me.
What's wrong with Rebecca?
She sounds really scared.
You gonna call her back?
No, I'm done.
So, what is everybody wearing
to Nathaniel's soiree tonight?
I've got my cocktail suspenders,
I got my lobster pot
suspenders, I've got...
Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim.
Rebecca wasn't invited.
Yeah, have you not been reading
the "shhhhh" group text chain?
I wasn't invited to the
party, okay, and I'm fine.
Listen, does anybody here know
anything about spy trackers?
I'm sorry, I-I don't...
- Spy... detector?
- No. Sorry.
That was really awkward turtle.
What's "awkward turtle"?
I don't know what you
need a spy thing for,
but, hey, leave our
Nathaniel alone, okay?
He's happy.
You're dangerous.
You're a loose cannon, Bunch,
and you hurt everyone around you.
Mona?
Mona? Mona?
Mona!
Hey. I was in the shower.
God, I texted you.
I even called.
A voice call? What's wrong?
I just... I just...
I-I was worried about you today
for-for no reason,
regarding nothing and no one.
Oh, Nat, that's weird and cute.
I just needed to see
you, and you're fine.
You were in the shower.
Everything's the way
it's supposed to be.
All right, the party
starts in a couple of hours,
so I have to blow out my hair,
otherwise my secret will be out.
I have curly hair.
Come here.
Mm.
So, it looks like you're
definitely in labor.
Oh, really? Do you think?
No, I know, 'cause I'm a doctor.
Okay.
Now, according to your birth plan,
you want to labor naturally
for as long as possible.
Uh, what does that mean?
It means no pain medication.
Oh, no. Wrong. That's wrong.
Wait, where did you get this, anyways?
What man filled this out?
Because I did not.
Um, I did that for you. I
thought I was helping out.
And I checked "no
early pain intervention"
because I read that
epidurals can slow down labor.
No, it's true. You and I,
we are gonna breathe through
this together, Womb Goddess.
Okay, Doc, look at me. Eyes here.
I want drugs... all of the drugs.
Give them to me now!
Yeah.
Thanks.
I'm early.
And I brought ice, because
there is never enough ice.
Wha...
Also, don't worry,
I talked to Rebecca,
and she is never gonna
bother you again.
I gave her a stern talking-to.
And what happened?
Was she upset?
Why would you care
if she's upset?
After everything she did for
you that you didn't ask for?
Whew, that stupid bitch.
You're right, you're right.
I'm not even thinking
about Rebecca. I don't care.
Now, get your gas
station ice out of here.
You're embarrassing yourself.
Go on.
Nurse? Nurse?
- Can I help you?
- Yeah.
I was wondering, who played
Uncle Jesse on Full House?
I think it was John Stamos.
John Stamos. Oh, my God.
My brain has shrunk way
more than 5%.
I used to know everything
about Full House.
Is that all?
Yeah. Thanks.
John Stamos. I'm so sorry.
I saw the nurse coming in.
What's happening? Are you okay?
No. I forgot
who John Stamos was.
I can't believe how calm you are.
On TV shows,
pregnant women, they're always crying
and screaming and punching
their husband in the face.
Yeah, well, those shows
were written by men.
I got an epidural, remember?
I don't feel a thing.
Paula was right, actually.
Birth is beautiful when
you get pain relief,
'cause then you just
do crossword puzzles
and binge watch Top of the Lake.
You don't look like
you're having fun, though.
No, I'm fine.
It's White Josh, huh? You're
still missing that guy.
Yeah, kind of. But I'm okay.
Okay, cool.
Adios to Prince Charming.
If I can't have you,
no one will.
I saw your face when Nathaniel said
he was moving in with Mona;
I know how you feel.
I lost someone I loved. You.
Now you will feel the same.
Nathaniel Plimpton
III must be destroyed.
Hashtag: motive.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
Nathaniel.
♪♪
The roses have
really come in well this year.
I've actually never noticed
how much of a green thumb...
Sir, there's a problem with the bill.
May I speak with you for a second?
Sure. Excuse me.
♪ ♪
And just right this way.
I-I don't understand.
I thought
everything was taken care of.
Oh, there's just a
couple of little extras.
Here. You can see here.
I just need your approval
on these little extras.
All right? So that's
mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup.
Condiments are extra?
Okay, do you want to be
the one to go out there
and tell them
there's not any ketchup?
I don't want to be that guy.
So just initial all the condiments.
Where are you, Rebecca?
I know you're coming.
I need you to see this.
What?
What? Initial all the condiments.
Where is he?
Where is he? Where is he?
Where is he?
Where's Nathaniel?
Rebecca, I told you to leave him alone!
Shut up, George! I
need to find Nathaniel.
It's so weird that you showed
up tonight, right, Rebecca?
Awkward turtle.
- I think he went over there.
- Okay.
No.
They say love makes you crazy.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't. Stop.
- Rebecca, I have to pay the bill.
- No!
No!
Man, I killed that.
Hello.
Hey, hey! He was going
to kill Nathaniel.
Okay? He had a knife.
He's the turkey carver.
He had a carving knife.
No, no, no, he wasn't.
He was my ex-boyfriend,
and he was dangerous,
and he's been stalking me.
He was stalking you by going to a party
you were not invited to?
And so you killed him?
Oh, my God, I killed him?
Is he dead?
Well, the cute EMT,
whose name is Rufus,
which is so weird because I
literally love that baby name,
- Oh!
- He said he fell in a swimming pool...
Just missed the diving board.
Oh, thank God.
'Cause I really, I really
didn't mean to kill him.
Okay, Rebecca, stop.
Don't say anything.
Anything you say can be admissible.
Call Paula. Someone call Paula.
But she's not a lawyer.
I'm a lawyer!
Call Paula.
She's in big trouble.
Huge.
Hundo P.
Oh.
What are you doing here?
Heather texted me.
She asked me to come.
- She did?
- Yeah.
Why? I thought you hated babies.
People got to stop
saying that.
She, uh...
She said you wanted to see me.
She also wanted to know who
starred in School of Rock,
"blank Black""
I did want to see you.
I wanted to see my friend.
We're, uh, we're friends?
I thought you didn't want to be.
- I thought you didn't want to be.
- Okay.
I missed you.
Me, too.
I mean, I didn't miss myself,
I missed you.
Yeah, right. Right, right, right.
I got it.
Can I, uh... Can I hold her?
- You want to?
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Now, just support her head.
- All right.
Aw.
Oh, God, okay.
Okay. I named her Hebecca.
It's a combination of
Heather and Rebecca.
Oh. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?
- Okay.
Well, they said I had 24
hours if I wanted to change it.
Oh, thank God.
- It is a bad name.
- Really?
Objectively just very bad.
She's perfect.
You did good.
Yeah.
I think we all did.
Hello there.
Is he gonna pull through?
Yeah. Broke every bone
in his body, though.
When you hit a pool from that height,
it's like getting hit by a bus.
He's gonna be in a full-body
cast for quite some time.
Oh, my God.
So, um...
they're gonna charge you with
attempted second-degree murder.
What?! No! No. Hey,
I was saving your life.
Trent has been stalking
me and blackmailing me
practically since the second we met,
and he was trying to hurt you.
- I know. I believe you.
- You believe me?!
Yes, I do, but I don't
know if anyone else will.
To the cops and a jury,
it looks like you crashed
your ex-boyfriend's party,
and then pushed another
ex-boyfriend off of the roof,
who was working there
completely legally as a waiter.
No, uh-uh-uh, but
I told the cops
that he sent me those Instagram stories.
I had to. Yes, but they
already disappeared.
We couldn't find anything.
I'm going to prison.
For a long time.
Maybe not. I have a plan.
You have a plan?
Wait, are you representing me?
After what I almost did to Mona?
Why?
I don't know, honestly.
I can't explain why I'm here.
I can't explain why
I'm going to help you.
I can't explain why I
just broke up with Mona.
What?
Yeah. I don't love her.
I love someone else.
Oh, God, there's another girl?
Me, you're talking about me.
Yeah.
And I think you love me, too.
Nathaniel, of course I do.
Okay.
I'm gonna get you out of here,
and we're gonna be together, all right?
Okay. There's just one
thing you have to do.
The next hearing
is about entering your plea.
And I want you to plead
not guilty...
- Okay, not guilty.
- by reason of insanity.
- Plead insanity?
- Mm.
You want me to plead insanity?
Yes, think about it.
It'll work.
To a judge,
it'll make absolute sense.
You have a history
of mental instability,
you've been in an institution
before, you have BPD.
None of this is your fault.
No... No, but I put you in danger.
I brought Trent into your life.
He tried to hurt you.
It is my fault.
No, it's not.
You-you don't deserve
blame for any of this
or what led to this.
You've had a really
tough time in your life.
We all have. You've
shown me that I have, too.
What do you mean?
Take me for example.
I have issues with my father.
I have issues with my mother.
Those things made me
kind of a jerk.
You helped me realize that.
You helped me to see that
sometimes
we can't control how we act.
I mean, everyone has
their reasons, right?
♪ ♪
♪ Before I knew you ♪
♪ I did bad things
and didn't know why ♪
♪ But now I know you ♪
♪ And I've learned to look inside ♪
♪ I understand what makes
me frightened and sad ♪
♪ So, yes, I still do bad things ♪
♪ But are they actually bad? ♪
♪ No! ♪
♪ Because nothing is
ever anyone's fault ♪
♪ We're all just products
of childhood trauma ♪
♪ Nothing is ever anyone's fault ♪
♪ Pain causes anger
and fear causes drama ♪
♪ We can't control the
things we do, just like ♪
♪ I can't control ♪
♪ That I'm in love with you ♪
Wow, the first part was
kind of amoral,
but that last thing was really sweet.
- Thanks.
- What else?
♪ I was raised to believe ♪
♪ That every person's
in charge of their fate ♪
♪ But now I clearly see ♪
♪ That my father's a dick,
and he filled me with hate ♪
You were the first
person who told me that.
Maybe you have a point.
♪ I was brought up
by a fat-shaming mom ♪
♪ Who made me take laxatives
the week before prom ♪
Yup. ♪ Now I overeat
ever since that abuse ♪
See?
♪ Psychology is a great excuse ♪
♪ Nothing is ever anyone's fault ♪
♪ Nothing is ever anyone's fault ♪
♪ John Wayne Gacy
was hit by his dad ♪
Exactly. ♪ It wasn't
technically Hitler's fault ♪
♪ Wasn't technically Hitler's fault ♪
♪ Hitler's brother died ♪
♪ And that
made him super sad ♪
♪ It's hard to paint
people with evil or glory ♪
♪ When you know that everyone's
got a tragic backstory ♪
♪ Free will's an illusion,
morality is, too ♪
♪ So it's not my fault ♪
♪ That my parents messed me up ♪
♪ 'Cause their parents
messed them up ♪
♪ And Adam and Eve
were messed up by God ♪
♪ Who was messed up
originally by the Big Bang ♪
♪ Everything is the
Big Bang's fault ♪
Good point!
♪ Energy in space was
the ultimate bad father ♪
♪ Nothing is nobody's fault ♪
♪ Nothing is nobody's ♪
♪ Is that a double negative? ♪
♪ Eh, it sounds good, why bother? ♪
♪ But I'm glad for the trauma ♪
♪ I'm glad for it, too ♪
♪ 'Cause my
past is what led me ♪
♪ To fall in love ♪
♪ With you. ♪
Oh.
Is Paula coming? Did you call her?
I called her, and I don't know.
Look, Rebecca, all you have to do now
is plead not guilty
by reason of insanity.
It's that's simple.
Okay. Okay.
Hey. You can do this.
All rise.
You may be seated.
This is Criminal Case Number 15-4270,
The People of Los Angeles
County v. Rebecca Nora Bunch.
Miss Bunch, how do you plead?
Your Honor, I plead not
guilty by reason of...
♪ ♪
By reason of, um...
Insanity.
Wow, I'm sorry, I can't do this.
I may have borderline,
but I'm not insane.
I'm responsible for everything
that happened, all of it.
As long as I can remember,
I've let some other
force control my life.
My mother told me who to be.
Love told me where to go.
And I went along with it all
because I told myself that
they weren't my choices.
That somehow the choices
were being made for me.
But that's just not true.
They were my choices.
It's my life, and I'm responsible
no matter what illness I have
or what my parents were like.
And let's be clear, they suck.
I didn't mean to hurt Trent.
But I did hurt him.
And I want to face the consequences
of what happened on that roof,
and of everything in my life.
I have to.
I'm so sorry.
I want to change, Paula.
And I swear, I'm gonna try.
You don't have to believe me.
I mean, I wouldn't if I were you.
I've broken so many promises.
But I hope that this time
is gonna be different,
because this time
I truly want to be held
responsible for my actions.
So I plead responsible.
I mean... guilty.
I plead guilty.
"Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"...
- Rebecca.
- Trent?!
Oh, my God!
What are you doing here?!
I'm gonna have to blackmail you
into being my girlfriend again.
You should know by now
that I'm not interested.
I thought we were written
in the stars,
but I guess I was wrong.
Feeling a little emotional.
I think it's 'cause everything
in this town reminds me of Darryl.
The three of us are just
gonna have a baby together.
It's no big deal.
We don't keep secrets
and we don't lie to each other, okay?
We've discussed it and we don't do it.
Trent doesn't just have dirt
on me.
- He has dirt on you, too.
- Oh, my God.
Turns out I'm not only
good at ruining my own life,
I'm really good at... ruining
other people's lives.
I'm gonna mail him my poop,
but tell him it's cupcakes.
I slept with my ex-boyfriend's dad.
You kidnapped my mother!
I may have ordered a hit
on Nathaniel's girlfriend, Mona.
I mean, sometimes I do
things that aren't great.
No, you're good.
I know you really well, Rebecca,
and you're a good person.
♪ Crazy is when I go off the rails ♪
♪ This is what you've done to me ♪
♪ Crazy is how your
loving makes me feel ♪
♪ This is what I always want to be ♪
♪ I like it when a
girl gets crazy in bed ♪
♪ Don't mess with the bitch
who's crazy in the head ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
- ♪ You don't ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
- ♪ And you don't ♪
- ♪ You do ♪
♪ Want to be crazy ♪
♪ To clarify, yes, no on the crazy ♪
♪ We hope this helps. ♪
What?
*CRAZY EX- GIRLFRIEND*
Season 03 Episode 13
Title: "Nathaniel is irrelevent"
♪ ♪
Good morning, baby girl.
We look beautiful today.
Why are you here?
You said you went away.
Oh, I'll never leave you.
I will always be by your side.
We're one and the same, me and you.
It's a dream.
Don't you like this rug?
- Yeah, it's not bad.
- I think it'd be great
for the living room. It's beautiful.
It's tasteful, practical,
it's fun.
It's perfect.
Yes, it is, it is.
It's perfect.
It literally is perfect.
I don't know.
I-I'm just not in love with it.
- Okay. We'll find something else.
- Okay.
You know, I think we're the
only couple in here not fighting.
Ooh, okay, well, let's find
something to fight about.
What do you not like about me?
Ah, well, you cheated on me a ton.
Okay.
I should've seen that coming.
I don't know why
I thought that
would
be a fun game to play.
- I've made a grave error.
- Come on.
Okay, Heather, how are
you feeling this morning?
Yeah, it's a lot of
people. I know it's weird.
Darryl invited them all.
Well, it's a week until your due date,
so this could be your last
appointment.
I want all my loved ones around me.
So, I brought...
Oh, Auntie Paula, two-time
mother, birthing sage,
unofficial supervisor
of this whole enterprise.
I'm Hector, Heather's boyfriend,
and surprisingly cool
with this whole situation.
- He's the only one I invited.
- I'm Valencia.
I like to record things for posterity
and my own sense of self.
I know what it's about now.
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
There's a long line
in the cafeteria.
This is my girlfriend, Beth.
We're in a love bubble, so
we always like to be together.
Mwah.
Oh, that was good.
Sorry, guys. Is it too much?
A little.
Oh. I'm Rebecca.
I donated the egg,
so that thing has my DNA in it,
so good luck with that.
And I'm Dr. Pratt and
I'm gonna be delivering the baby,
so I'm also important.
You know what?
You got this.
You look,
you look like a doctor.
I'm so tired.
I'm just gonna take a nap
on, uh, that gurney outside.
Yeah.
And the rest of you are
just gonna stay?
Oh, yeah.
No, it's fine.
I mean, one way or another,
we've all seen one, so...
All right, let's get started.
Heather, uh, any concerns?
Oh, yeah, um, birth.
So, I agreed to carry this baby
for free
because
I'm whimsical and random,
but now I have to give
birth to a baby... uh, oops.
So, can you just, like,
hit me in the head with a hammer
and wake me up when it's over
like they did in the '50s?
Oh, honey, no.
No, no, no, no.
You don't want
to miss birth.
It's an awe-inspiring
and powerful experience.
Yeah, but, like,
does it hurt?
Well, women report different levels
of discomfort depending...
Ah, Ba-Ba-Ba,
Dr. No Vagina.
Yes, it hurts,
but it is so worth it.
Okay, listen up.
Mama is gonna tell you how
wonderful birth really is.
♪ Of all the mystery and wonder ♪
♪ And beauty on this Earth ♪
♪ Nothing can compare ♪
♪ To the miracle of birth ♪
♪ Well, your cervix
has been closed ♪
♪ And plugged with mucus ♪
♪ But soon that viscous
plug will be discharged ♪
It's called the bloody show.
♪ And explosive diarrhea ♪
♪ Means that labor's
drawing nearer ♪
♪ And those sharp,
painful contractions ♪
♪ 'Cause your cervix to enlarge ♪
- Beautiful.
- _
♪ Then you'll race your ass ♪
♪ Over to the hospital ♪
♪ Where they'll strap you in
for the hell ride of your life ♪
It's what your body's made for.
♪ You'll soon be in so much pain ♪
♪ That you'll probably exclaim ♪
♪ "Please, just kill me now,
doctor, doula or midwife" ♪
♪ Tear, tear, tear
goes your vagina ♪
♪ Never will it be ♪
♪ Its cute little self again ♪
♪ But the good news is ♪
♪ If you have a few more kids ♪
♪ The rest will
basically plop right out ♪
Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
♪ After hours and
hours of utter torture ♪
♪ You may poop yourself
and/or throw up ♪
♪ As you bear down ♪
'Cause you're a goddess.
♪ And though you've
never been this tired ♪
♪ Wait, here comes
the ring of fire ♪
♪ That's your vagina
bursting into flames ♪
♪ As the head starts to crown ♪
♪ Burn, burn, burn,
goes your vagina ♪
Oh...
♪ And you'll curse
and scream until ♪
♪ You hear a cry ♪
It's your baby!
♪ And, oops, there it went-a ♪
♪ That was the placenta ♪
♪ Which you must expel
or you will surely die ♪
♪ When it's all over ♪
♪ They'll place the
baby on your breast ♪
♪ You may be happy for a moment ♪
♪ But then for months
you'll be depressed ♪
♪ 'Cause you've wrecked
your life and body ♪
♪ You'll think, "Was
it really worth ♪
♪ "All that for the miracle ♪
♪ Of birth?" ♪
But of course it was!
Am I right, Dr. Pratt?
Isn't it a beautiful...
So, what was with you back
there in the exam room?
Ugh, I'm sorry about that.
I just haven't been sleeping.
What?
I keep having nightmares
about Trent.
I don't know.
He's still in my head.
Yeah. I've been feeling
guilty about that a lot lately.
Why are you feeling guilty?
It was, it was my idea to find
a fake boyfriend on Facebook
to make Josh jealous,
and I feel terrible
because I brought this
monster into your life.
Into our life, so...
No. You have nothing
to feel guilty about.
First of all,
I was in on that with you,
and then I let him stay
with me and cook for me
and clean for me and,
I mean, I took his virginity.
So, Trent is not your fault.
Well, I mean, regardless,
it would make perfect sense
you're having bad dreams
about him.
I mean, he tried to
blackmail you, and me.
Yes, he tried to... you're right.
He tried to blackmail both of us.
He did.
He tried to blackmail us.
Well, listen,
don't worry.
He is gone.
I still have a tracker on him
and I check his Instagram
every day.
He... is in Iowa...
with his mom.
Yeah, you're right.
- He's gone. He's gone.
- Yup.
It's-it's in my head.
Did you
hear what I just said?
- Yeah.
- In the, uh, in the Harding case,
we should
depose the CEO and CFO.
Exactly. And if...
You don't look great.
Are you okay?
Yeah. I, uh, I just
haven't been sleeping much.
- Pretty tired.
- Ah.
I've been meaning to tell
you, um...
I'm having a party Friday
night and you are not invited.
Okay.
Yeah. Mona and I
are moving in together.
Wow.
Oh. Cool.
We are, um, having a few
people over for a little soiree,
and, you know, some of the more
tolerable people from
the office are coming.
I didn't want you
to get blindsided
if you'd heard about it.
I see, uh...
Congratulations.
I'm happy for you.
Well, that's big of you.
I want you to be happy.
I'm the one who broke
things off with you.
Like, I'm not insane.
The hell?
I... I just... I saw...
Is everything all right?
Are you okay?
So I think I'm losing my mind.
Uh, I might be having
dissociative episodes.
So what happened is
i hallucinated Trent this morning.
Like, I saw him.
I mean, I've been seeing
him in my dreams for days,
which is one thing,
but seeing apparitions
of him in real life?
Well, maybe
it's not mental illness.
Maybe it's just your imagination.
Our imagination can do
crazy things.
Sometimes, I imagine that
I'm a pilgrim.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Mm.
Thank you for that, Bert.
I appreciate that.
And thank you, everyone,
for coming here on such short
notice in between sessions.
I just couldn't wait
until Monday, you know?
You offered to buy us all
crudo, so, yeah, I'm here.
How have you
been feeling lately?
Have you scanned
your emotional system, or whatever?
Uh, okay. Uh, let me do a quick scan.
Boop, boop, boop.
Oh, God, I'm so guilty.
I just feel guilt. It's just guilt.
It's crushing, overwhelming
amounts of guilt,
for all the things that
I've done to people lately.
I mean, not even lately,
all the things I've done to people
since I moved here.
And there are things people
don't even know about.
Like what?
Eh, I don't really
want to talk about it.
Does that really matter?
- Kind of, yeah. Yes.
- Of course it does.
Okay, point is, I've done some
not great things to people,
and I think what's killing me
is I always get away with it.
I don't know why.
Is it because I'm
smarter than other people?
Maybe I'm cuter?
Maybe it's 'cause you manipulate people.
Okay, well, stop talking, Rick,
or I'm gonna give your hamachi to Lana.
That proves your point.
Yep. I do that.
You know, if you're feeling guilty,
maybe you could confess
the bad things you've done.
Like recently,
I apologized
to all ten of my children
because I haven't been
that present in their lives,
and I feel a lot better.
Oh, Bert, wow. Confess?
Maybe that would make
the apparitions or ghosts
or memory of Trent...
Whatever it is... go away.
Oof, it's gonna be difficult,
but... okay.
All right, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna get it off my chest.
Got it.
So, who called this meeting again?
I don't know.
The subject line says "The Purge,"
so are we throwing up or
watching a horror movie or what?
Oh, good,
you got my Google Cal invite.
Honey, what's this about?
I will tell you. I'll
tell you everything.
We're just waiting on
one more person.
Sorry I'm late.
Someone asked me to change
the water cooler on the way in.
Rebecca,
what is this?
I have some things to say, and...
it's gonna be brutal.
So, during the birth,
in the delivery room,
Valencia will be doing the video.
Hector, snacks, obviously.
Beth, coffee.
Paula, wisdom and ice chips.
And I don't know what
Rebecca is gonna do,
so she can be a floater.
So that's everyone.
Yeah. Okay, actually, no one is gonna be
in the delivery room,
Darryl, just you.
Okay? We're gonna do this how I want.
It might be your baby,
but it's my birth,
and I'm terrified.
I mean, after that
talk with Paula, like,
I'm freaking freaked out.
My downstairs is gonna
look like beef tartare.
But everybody loves you,
and they all want to be
by your side.
Why are you so obsessed with
making this birth a group hang?
It is not a group hang;
I'm just having a few people over.
- What?
- These people are my family,
my support system, my rock.
They love me.
And they love that I
look like Tom Selleck.
And they love making me
oatmeal in the morning.
Oh.
This is about Tom Selleck.
No, I'm kidding. It's about WiJo.
You miss him.
I would've put that
together ages ago,
but I have such major
baby brain.
Did you know that
brains shrink
three to five percent during pregnancy?
I can't remember
who told me that.
Anyway, so,
do you, like, regret
breaking up with WiJo?
Do you want to be with him again?
I don't know.
I just miss my friend.
Oh, Darryl, that's sweet.
And I would love
to talk with you more about this,
but I am having some wicked
Braxton Hicks right now.
Wait, are you okay?
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Braxton Hicks are just the
practice contractions, remember?
Oh.
Oh, ow.
Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight.
Bowling ball, bowling ball,
bowling ball, bowling ball.
Oh, does it hurt?
Maybe it's not a practice contraction.
Maybe this is a real one.
No, I don't think so.
I mean, I did see a
bloody clump of mucus fall
into the toilet bowl earlier, but...
Wow. The miracle of birth.
Mm-hmm.
Ha... man.
Is it another Toni Braxton?
Oh, that unbreaks my heart.
Um, no. I'll-I'll let you
know when they get painful.
Oh, it's right now.
- Oh!
- Ah, it's right now.
- Oh!
- Oh... So get the car.
- Get the car right now.
- It's right now. Okay, thank you.
Oh... Toni Braxton.
Oh... Brandy and Monica.
Aaliyah?
Anybody?
All right.
I knew this was gonna be really hard,
so I made some lists.
So, I have one for each of you.
Uh, and basically this is
a-a list of all of the things
that I have done,
that I should have told
you all about, um...
It's bad.
It's-it's... just-just
to warn you, it's bad.
It's, like, really...
it's, like, really bad.
It's bad. So just, uh... look.
You almost had
my Lolo killed?
What's a "Lolo"?
Oh. "Lolo" means grandpa.
You didn't notice I was
going through an abortion?
Oh, oh. I'm s... I'm s... God.
I'm so sorry. Clerical error.
Just, you should have this one,
and you should have that one.
Wow, off to a great start.
Well, mine's obviously
for me, because it says
you put out
a hit on my girlfriend Mona?
Why does it say
"having sex with Greg's dad"?
Ugh.
You had sex with Greg's dad. Right.
No you didn't. No.
No way.
- That's on mine, too.
- Mine, too.
Yeah, um, so I just...
I didn't know what list to put that on.
I just thought everyone should know.
You lied...
about Trent blackmailing me?
You sent me poop?
- Your poop?
- Shut up, Josh.
So-so...
So Trent didn't blackmail me.
And you...
manipulated me and lied to me
to get me to commit federal crimes,
even though I didn't want to?
Sorry, back up.
Someone tried to kill my Lolo?
Ah, that was more me.
I like to think I wasn't
really gonna go through with it,
but whatever; even if I did,
he had a nice long life.
Mona, on the other hand...
This isn't right. This is a mistake.
You promised me so many times
that you wouldn't lie to me anymore.
I trusted you.
I didn't even check on what
you told me about Trent,
because I just believed you.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I told you.
I told you, it's bad.
It's really, really bad.
And that's why I just,
I wanted to get it out in the open,
and tell you... no.
Paula. Paula.
No, no, no, Paula. Oh, Paula.
Rebecca tried to have
my father deported?
Again, that was me.
But to be fair,
I was promised sex.
Oh, God.
Okay, I deserve that.
I deserve that.
Hey, hey.
I know, I know, it's bad.
- And I am so sorry if I hurt you.
- You're sorry "if"?
I was going through a very tough time.
- I barely remember half those...
- It was last week.
That is true,
but it's not representative
of the person that I really am.
But it obviously is. I mean,
you did it.
I just, I just... I can't believe this.
You have let me down
so many times.
And I am such a fool.
I am a sucker.
You are never going to be
any different.
Oh, forget it! I am taking the stairs.
Oh, God!
Leave me alone, you turtlenecked
manifestation of my guilt.
I did it. I confessed everything.
So you have no reason
to be here anymore.
Leave me alone.
Never, my love.
Okay, seriously?
Go away.
Go away, ghost.
Boo!
Oh, God, you're real.
Trent, what are you doing here?
You said you were leaving.
God, I thought you were in Iowa.
Io-was.
But I missed you,
and now I'm-a-back.
I have unfinished business here.
What? What could it be?
Blackmailing me again?
You can't.
I told everyone everything.
God. Trent, I'm never gonna
be your girlfriend, ever.
So just get that through your head.
Oh, we're way past that.
I know that's never gonna happen.
Now I just want you to feel as
badly as you've made me feel.
So be careful, Rebecca.
Because I'm one scary,
scary, sexy man.
Well, what are you gonna do?
Oh. It's no fun if I tell you.
Hi, Paula. It's Rebecca.
I know we're in a big fight
right now,
but you got to call me
back; it's an emergency.
I saw Trent. I saw him.
He was here at the office,
and I'm really, really scared.
And I'm trying to use
your tracking device,
but I don't know how it works.
So please just give
me a call back, okay?
Call me.
Hi, Paula. It's Rebecca.
I know we're in a big fight
right now,
but you got to call me back;
it's an emergency.
I saw Trent.
I saw him.
He was here at the office,
and I'm really, really scared.
And I'm trying to use
your tracking device,
but I don't know how it works.
So please just give me a
call back, okay? Call me.
What's wrong with Rebecca?
She sounds really scared.
You gonna call her back?
No, I'm done.
So, what is everybody wearing
to Nathaniel's soiree tonight?
I've got my cocktail suspenders,
I got my lobster pot
suspenders, I've got...
Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim.
Rebecca wasn't invited.
Yeah, have you not been reading
the "shhhhh" group text chain?
I wasn't invited to the
party, okay, and I'm fine.
Listen, does anybody here know
anything about spy trackers?
I'm sorry, I-I don't...
- Spy... detector?
- No. Sorry.
That was really awkward turtle.
What's "awkward turtle"?
I don't know what you
need a spy thing for,
but, hey, leave our
Nathaniel alone, okay?
He's happy.
You're dangerous.
You're a loose cannon, Bunch,
and you hurt everyone around you.
Mona?
Mona? Mona?
Mona!
Hey. I was in the shower.
God, I texted you.
I even called.
A voice call? What's wrong?
I just... I just...
I-I was worried about you today
for-for no reason,
regarding nothing and no one.
Oh, Nat, that's weird and cute.
I just needed to see
you, and you're fine.
You were in the shower.
Everything's the way
it's supposed to be.
All right, the party
starts in a couple of hours,
so I have to blow out my hair,
otherwise my secret will be out.
I have curly hair.
Come here.
Mm.
So, it looks like you're
definitely in labor.
Oh, really? Do you think?
No, I know, 'cause I'm a doctor.
Okay.
Now, according to your birth plan,
you want to labor naturally
for as long as possible.
Uh, what does that mean?
It means no pain medication.
Oh, no. Wrong. That's wrong.
Wait, where did you get this, anyways?
What man filled this out?
Because I did not.
Um, I did that for you. I
thought I was helping out.
And I checked "no
early pain intervention"
because I read that
epidurals can slow down labor.
No, it's true. You and I,
we are gonna breathe through
this together, Womb Goddess.
Okay, Doc, look at me. Eyes here.
I want drugs... all of the drugs.
Give them to me now!
Yeah.
Thanks.
I'm early.
And I brought ice, because
there is never enough ice.
Wha...
Also, don't worry,
I talked to Rebecca,
and she is never gonna
bother you again.
I gave her a stern talking-to.
And what happened?
Was she upset?
Why would you care
if she's upset?
After everything she did for
you that you didn't ask for?
Whew, that stupid bitch.
You're right, you're right.
I'm not even thinking
about Rebecca. I don't care.
Now, get your gas
station ice out of here.
You're embarrassing yourself.
Go on.
Nurse? Nurse?
- Can I help you?
- Yeah.
I was wondering, who played
Uncle Jesse on Full House?
I think it was John Stamos.
John Stamos. Oh, my God.
My brain has shrunk way
more than 5%.
I used to know everything
about Full House.
Is that all?
Yeah. Thanks.
John Stamos. I'm so sorry.
I saw the nurse coming in.
What's happening? Are you okay?
No. I forgot
who John Stamos was.
I can't believe how calm you are.
On TV shows,
pregnant women, they're always crying
and screaming and punching
their husband in the face.
Yeah, well, those shows
were written by men.
I got an epidural, remember?
I don't feel a thing.
Paula was right, actually.
Birth is beautiful when
you get pain relief,
'cause then you just
do crossword puzzles
and binge watch Top of the Lake.
You don't look like
you're having fun, though.
No, I'm fine.
It's White Josh, huh? You're
still missing that guy.
Yeah, kind of. But I'm okay.
Okay, cool.
Adios to Prince Charming.
If I can't have you,
no one will.
I saw your face when Nathaniel said
he was moving in with Mona;
I know how you feel.
I lost someone I loved. You.
Now you will feel the same.
Nathaniel Plimpton
III must be destroyed.
Hashtag: motive.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
Nathaniel.
♪♪
The roses have
really come in well this year.
I've actually never noticed
how much of a green thumb...
Sir, there's a problem with the bill.
May I speak with you for a second?
Sure. Excuse me.
♪ ♪
And just right this way.
I-I don't understand.
I thought
everything was taken care of.
Oh, there's just a
couple of little extras.
Here. You can see here.
I just need your approval
on these little extras.
All right? So that's
mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup.
Condiments are extra?
Okay, do you want to be
the one to go out there
and tell them
there's not any ketchup?
I don't want to be that guy.
So just initial all the condiments.
Where are you, Rebecca?
I know you're coming.
I need you to see this.
What?
What? Initial all the condiments.
Where is he?
Where is he? Where is he?
Where is he?
Where's Nathaniel?
Rebecca, I told you to leave him alone!
Shut up, George! I
need to find Nathaniel.
It's so weird that you showed
up tonight, right, Rebecca?
Awkward turtle.
- I think he went over there.
- Okay.
No.
They say love makes you crazy.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't. Stop.
- Rebecca, I have to pay the bill.
- No!
No!
Man, I killed that.
Hello.
Hey, hey! He was going
to kill Nathaniel.
Okay? He had a knife.
He's the turkey carver.
He had a carving knife.
No, no, no, he wasn't.
He was my ex-boyfriend,
and he was dangerous,
and he's been stalking me.
He was stalking you by going to a party
you were not invited to?
And so you killed him?
Oh, my God, I killed him?
Is he dead?
Well, the cute EMT,
whose name is Rufus,
which is so weird because I
literally love that baby name,
- Oh!
- He said he fell in a swimming pool...
Just missed the diving board.
Oh, thank God.
'Cause I really, I really
didn't mean to kill him.
Okay, Rebecca, stop.
Don't say anything.
Anything you say can be admissible.
Call Paula. Someone call Paula.
But she's not a lawyer.
I'm a lawyer!
Call Paula.
She's in big trouble.
Huge.
Hundo P.
Oh.
What are you doing here?
Heather texted me.
She asked me to come.
- She did?
- Yeah.
Why? I thought you hated babies.
People got to stop
saying that.
She, uh...
She said you wanted to see me.
She also wanted to know who
starred in School of Rock,
"blank Black""
I did want to see you.
I wanted to see my friend.
We're, uh, we're friends?
I thought you didn't want to be.
- I thought you didn't want to be.
- Okay.
I missed you.
Me, too.
I mean, I didn't miss myself,
I missed you.
Yeah, right. Right, right, right.
I got it.
Can I, uh... Can I hold her?
- You want to?
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Now, just support her head.
- All right.
Aw.
Oh, God, okay.
Okay. I named her Hebecca.
It's a combination of
Heather and Rebecca.
Oh. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?
- Okay.
Well, they said I had 24
hours if I wanted to change it.
Oh, thank God.
- It is a bad name.
- Really?
Objectively just very bad.
She's perfect.
You did good.
Yeah.
I think we all did.
Hello there.
Is he gonna pull through?
Yeah. Broke every bone
in his body, though.
When you hit a pool from that height,
it's like getting hit by a bus.
He's gonna be in a full-body
cast for quite some time.
Oh, my God.
So, um...
they're gonna charge you with
attempted second-degree murder.
What?! No! No. Hey,
I was saving your life.
Trent has been stalking
me and blackmailing me
practically since the second we met,
and he was trying to hurt you.
- I know. I believe you.
- You believe me?!
Yes, I do, but I don't
know if anyone else will.
To the cops and a jury,
it looks like you crashed
your ex-boyfriend's party,
and then pushed another
ex-boyfriend off of the roof,
who was working there
completely legally as a waiter.
No, uh-uh-uh, but
I told the cops
that he sent me those Instagram stories.
I had to. Yes, but they
already disappeared.
We couldn't find anything.
I'm going to prison.
For a long time.
Maybe not. I have a plan.
You have a plan?
Wait, are you representing me?
After what I almost did to Mona?
Why?
I don't know, honestly.
I can't explain why I'm here.
I can't explain why
I'm going to help you.
I can't explain why I
just broke up with Mona.
What?
Yeah. I don't love her.
I love someone else.
Oh, God, there's another girl?
Me, you're talking about me.
Yeah.
And I think you love me, too.
Nathaniel, of course I do.
Okay.
I'm gonna get you out of here,
and we're gonna be together, all right?
Okay. There's just one
thing you have to do.
The next hearing
is about entering your plea.
And I want you to plead
not guilty...
- Okay, not guilty.
- by reason of insanity.
- Plead insanity?
- Mm.
You want me to plead insanity?
Yes, think about it.
It'll work.
To a judge,
it'll make absolute sense.
You have a history
of mental instability,
you've been in an institution
before, you have BPD.
None of this is your fault.
No... No, but I put you in danger.
I brought Trent into your life.
He tried to hurt you.
It is my fault.
No, it's not.
You-you don't deserve
blame for any of this
or what led to this.
You've had a really
tough time in your life.
We all have. You've
shown me that I have, too.
What do you mean?
Take me for example.
I have issues with my father.
I have issues with my mother.
Those things made me
kind of a jerk.
You helped me realize that.
You helped me to see that
sometimes
we can't control how we act.
I mean, everyone has
their reasons, right?
♪ ♪
♪ Before I knew you ♪
♪ I did bad things
and didn't know why ♪
♪ But now I know you ♪
♪ And I've learned to look inside ♪
♪ I understand what makes
me frightened and sad ♪
♪ So, yes, I still do bad things ♪
♪ But are they actually bad? ♪
♪ No! ♪
♪ Because nothing is
ever anyone's fault ♪
♪ We're all just products
of childhood trauma ♪
♪ Nothing is ever anyone's fault ♪
♪ Pain causes anger
and fear causes drama ♪
♪ We can't control the
things we do, just like ♪
♪ I can't control ♪
♪ That I'm in love with you ♪
Wow, the first part was
kind of amoral,
but that last thing was really sweet.
- Thanks.
- What else?
♪ I was raised to believe ♪
♪ That every person's
in charge of their fate ♪
♪ But now I clearly see ♪
♪ That my father's a dick,
and he filled me with hate ♪
You were the first
person who told me that.
Maybe you have a point.
♪ I was brought up
by a fat-shaming mom ♪
♪ Who made me take laxatives
the week before prom ♪
Yup. ♪ Now I overeat
ever since that abuse ♪
See?
♪ Psychology is a great excuse ♪
♪ Nothing is ever anyone's fault ♪
♪ Nothing is ever anyone's fault ♪
♪ John Wayne Gacy
was hit by his dad ♪
Exactly. ♪ It wasn't
technically Hitler's fault ♪
♪ Wasn't technically Hitler's fault ♪
♪ Hitler's brother died ♪
♪ And that
made him super sad ♪
♪ It's hard to paint
people with evil or glory ♪
♪ When you know that everyone's
got a tragic backstory ♪
♪ Free will's an illusion,
morality is, too ♪
♪ So it's not my fault ♪
♪ That my parents messed me up ♪
♪ 'Cause their parents
messed them up ♪
♪ And Adam and Eve
were messed up by God ♪
♪ Who was messed up
originally by the Big Bang ♪
♪ Everything is the
Big Bang's fault ♪
Good point!
♪ Energy in space was
the ultimate bad father ♪
♪ Nothing is nobody's fault ♪
♪ Nothing is nobody's ♪
♪ Is that a double negative? ♪
♪ Eh, it sounds good, why bother? ♪
♪ But I'm glad for the trauma ♪
♪ I'm glad for it, too ♪
♪ 'Cause my
past is what led me ♪
♪ To fall in love ♪
♪ With you. ♪
Oh.
Is Paula coming? Did you call her?
I called her, and I don't know.
Look, Rebecca, all you have to do now
is plead not guilty
by reason of insanity.
It's that's simple.
Okay. Okay.
Hey. You can do this.
All rise.
You may be seated.
This is Criminal Case Number 15-4270,
The People of Los Angeles
County v. Rebecca Nora Bunch.
Miss Bunch, how do you plead?
Your Honor, I plead not
guilty by reason of...
♪ ♪
By reason of, um...
Insanity.
Wow, I'm sorry, I can't do this.
I may have borderline,
but I'm not insane.
I'm responsible for everything
that happened, all of it.
As long as I can remember,
I've let some other
force control my life.
My mother told me who to be.
Love told me where to go.
And I went along with it all
because I told myself that
they weren't my choices.
That somehow the choices
were being made for me.
But that's just not true.
They were my choices.
It's my life, and I'm responsible
no matter what illness I have
or what my parents were like.
And let's be clear, they suck.
I didn't mean to hurt Trent.
But I did hurt him.
And I want to face the consequences
of what happened on that roof,
and of everything in my life.
I have to.
I'm so sorry.
I want to change, Paula.
And I swear, I'm gonna try.
You don't have to believe me.
I mean, I wouldn't if I were you.
I've broken so many promises.
But I hope that this time
is gonna be different,
because this time
I truly want to be held
responsible for my actions.
So I plead responsible.
I mean... guilty.
I plead guilty.