Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Who Is Josh's Soup Fairy? - full transcript

Paula faces some turmoil in her home life, with no one to turn to to provide her any emotional support. When Rebecca finally learns what is going on with Paula, Rebecca senses an opportunity to get back in good with Paula first by issuing an unconditional apology and second by offering to look after precocious preteen Tommy for two days while Paula heads out of town for a class field trip, both items from Rebecca which Paula accepts. Despite having no kids of her own, Rebecca figures that taking care of Tommy will be the easiest two days of her life, which ends up not being the case. Things get even more complicated when out shopping, Rebecca and Tommy run into Josh, this encounter the first time Rebecca and Josh have seen each other since they broke up. Knowing that Josh is facing a minor issue in his life, Rebecca decides to make a grand gesture to get in good with Josh again. As Josh goes through something monumental in his life which he wants to share with Anna, Rebecca faces a dilemma in dealing with an issue concerning her and Josh reconnecting as friends (or more than just friends, despite Anna now being in his life), or keeping good to her commitment to Paula in being a responsible "mother" figure to Tommy. What ends up happening may affect Rebecca and Paula's reconciliation.

- Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
- What are you reading?

Is it one of your sexy vampire books?



- Warming up?
- Yeah.

I die over a perfectly hit seventh.

This is the first song, right?

I just missed the end of the first song?

That was the encore.

Where are you going? Don't leave.

I'm gonna grab a drink with Hank.

Please, just stay and
we'll talk this out.

Paula, I need a minute.

I need to cool off.


It's a Statue of Liberty keychain.

- 'Cause you're from New York.
- I love it.

Our relationship has
always been one-sided.

I give. You take.

That's not fair. That hurts me.

You've never been there
for me when I need you.

I know what you want, you know.

You want me to apologize.

You know what, though?

You owe me the apology this time.

I told her that
your name is Madge...

and my name is Allegra.


Tell us about the boyfriend, girlfriend.

Um, his name is Josh

and I feel bad for him.

He's been through some
really tough times.

Had some toxic relationships.

This one girl, get this, quit her job

and then moved across
the country to be with him.

Crazy, right?

♪ I'm just a girl in love ♪

♪ La-la-la, lovey-dove ♪

♪ I can't be held responsible
for my actions ♪

♪ She's an ingenue ♪

♪ I have no underlying issues
to address ♪

♪ I'm certifiably cute
and adorably obsessed ♪

♪ They say love makes you crazy ♪

♪ Therefore, you can't call her crazy ♪

♪ 'Cause when you call her crazy ♪

♪ You're just calling her in love. ♪


I hate it when Dad makes lunch.

Yeah, this is just half
of a salami, Scott.

Hey, we're busy around here.

I put slices of cheese in there

and some loose bread.

Get yourself a knife

and you're in the sandwich-making
business, buddy.

Great, now I have to steal a quiche

from the teacher's lounge again.

You know, you should say
thank you to your dad!

Seriously, thank you, honey.

I just... I couldn't do
all of this without you.

Ah, it's nothing. I...

No, it's something

and it means a lot to me.

You're the best.

No, I'm not. I...

Yes, you are.

You know, I was just telling
Sunil the other day

how lucky I am...

I had sex with Tanya.

Yeah, I had sex with Nancy...


Oh, you're serious.

It was an accident, I swear.

We went drinking after work
with some other people,

and-and I had too much,

and-and she was gonna
drive me home and then

we got in her car and
she was too drunk to drive,

so we decided to wait it out

- and it started raining...
- Okay, that's enough.


It sounds so romantic.

It's, like, just, like,

a-a night that you'll remember forever.

I-I-It happened one time.

I promise. It will never happen again.

It-It was a complete accident. I...

You know, I have to get ready for work.

W-Wait, l-l-let's talk about this.

No, I got to go.

Okay, well, we'll talk
about it when we get home.


What home?

You don't live here anymore.

Oh, hi, sorry, I'm-I'm almost done.

No, it's okay, I'm just...
making my iced mocha.

I can wait.

Ah, all yours. Done.

Thank you.

Who did this?!

Who put an empty

ice tray back...




did this?


I'm not good

at filling them back up.

It's hard, the water splooshes around

and how am I supposed to open the door

while I'm holding a shaky tray of water?

Besides, somebody else always does it.

It's me.

I am the someone else!

You know what, it's okay.

It is okay.
Don't worry about it.

I'll just fill up a tray
and then wait outside

the freezer for, like,
three hours for the cubes

that I need for my iced mocha,
you son of a bitch!

Here, look, just take a couple.

I... don't want your...

dirty man ice!

Somebody get a... get a mop.

No, you're right.

You're right, I just need to...
take a breath.

I know why you're crying.

It's because of me...

and I get it, I miss
our friendship, too,

so let's stop all this foolishness

and just go back to the way
things were, okay?

Now, I'm willing to overlook
all of the things on your end

that you did wrong.

The apology tears in your eyes...

you don't have to say it. I'll say it.

You're sorry.

Didn't that feel good?

And you know what, I'm sorry, too.

- I'll say it.
- Would you just shut up?!

You're just such a selfish,
whiny, entitled brat.

Just stop.

You talk?

What? I-I talk all the time.

You're too busy staring

at the Narcissus pond

of your bewitching self to even notice.


you're mean...

and poetic.


Paula, if it's... if it's not about us,

then-then what's wrong?

Scott is...

Gay, I knew it.

I knew it. I always knew it.

I didn't say anything, that's on me.

He had sex with Tanya from work.

Why would he have sex
with Tanya if he's gay?

Good God, you're really
a piece of work, sister.

Oh, so this is our dynamic now?


Go I'm-I'm so sorry, Paula.

It's just... it's what my
father always told me.

That if I ever tried to...
make something of myself...

...that no man would
want me and so, I mean, just, like,

the minute that I try
to pursue my dreams,

my husband "accidentally" falls
into another woman's vagina.

Oh, God.

I mean, I threw him out,

so I'm... I-I'm by myself

and-and, you know,

Scott used to do a lot
of stuff around the house.

I mean... the-the morning rush

used to be like an Olympic event

and now it's just...

it's gonna be like The Hunger Games.

It's, like, just gonna be like a...

dystopian nightmare,

just children just fighting for food,

trying to kill each other.

At least you have the weekend

to start to figure things out.

No, well, I mean, this weekend I was...

...supposed to go

on a class trip to Sacramento

to tour the Supreme Court,

but, I mean, you know,

I'm definitely not going now.

Like, I just...

I mean, I can't go.

Oh, my God, I can't.

You know, I can't talk
about this anymore.

I'm sorry, I just...

I'm gonna go back to work.

So, what are we gonna do, Mrs. H?

Oh, now we're back to this?

So, what do you think?

This is, like, the new hangout

in the San Gabriel Valley.

Oh, is that where we are?

I thought this was the Inland Empire.

Common mistake, but no,
it's the San Gabes Vals, babes.

I can't believe it
took a month of dating

to get me to come out here and visit.

It's super cute.

- Are you sick?
- Oh.

I hope not.

I have this big thing coming up.

There's, like, a super
cool party at Spiders.

Um, they're doing a party

where they have
all these advertisers and...

- A sponsored party, fun.
- Yeah, like...

I'm doing a little something special.

Mm. Let's just say I'm "involved."

And I was hoping you would come.

Oh, I would, but I'm working.

Um, it's The Teen Sports Awards

this weekend and so I'm gonna

have my hands full

with 13-year-old celebrity unibrows.

Aw, okay, then.

I'll miss you.

Oh, uh...

if you're coming down with something,

I probably shouldn't smooch you.

Oh, okay.

Hey, Mom.

Where's my volcano?

I need a live volcano today.

I don't have time for that. Uh...

you need to ask Brendan to help you.

Oh, he left again.

I found this note taped

to the mannequin under his sheets.

"Hopped a Greyhound cross-country.

Be back when I run out of the
money I took from Mom's purse."

Oh, God.

Who's gonna take you to school now?

How am I supposed to do all this?

I volunteer as tribute!

District Nine will take
Tommy to the Capitol!

Honey, what are you doing?

It's The Hunger Games.

You said your life was gonna
be like The Hunger Ga...

I read the first book last night
just for this moment.

Um... okay, I-I'm here to help.

Yeah, I brought

myself. I brought food.

I brought toys.

Here you go, here you go, buddy.



Okay, Rebecca, I know
that your-your heart

is in the right place, but I just I have

so much to deal with... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Okay, I'll say it first
because I should.

I was more wrong.

I was the more

wronger one.

That's horrible grammar.

Do not emulate that grammar.

Look, you said to me at my house

that I didn't support you.

You were right.

Every time we talk,

I... I'm really just
thinking about myself,

and thinking about the next
piece of advice to ask you for

and-and I never think about you,
so let me think about you now.


I love you and I'm here to help.

Let me do something.

I'll be like Mr. Mom.

Okay? Your own personal Michael Keaton.

And then you can go on that field trip.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I can't do that. I mean, Tommy needs me

and, you know, so does Brendan,

theoretically, wherever he is.

Yeah, so, first of all...

...we both know that
Brendan is kind of a lost cause.

Not in front of Tommy.

Sorry. And-and second of all,

you can't not go on a field trip, Paula.

If I had skipped Presidential Classroom

in Washington D.C., I
would still be a virgin

who knew nothing
about the electoral college.

You got to go.

You can't miss something like this

because someone else messed up.

Are you sure you know what
you're signing up for?

Because this is just,

it is so much harder than it looks.

I mean, parenting turns
you into... well, me.

Come on, Mom, let her help.

Then you can go on your weird,

grown-up field trip thingy.


Yeah, you don't understand

what you're taking on.

Okay, look, it's gonna be the weekend,

and Tommy's not gonna be in school,

which means he will be
with you the whole time.

Paula, it's okay.

I've cleared my schedule.

I've only made plans for this.

It'll all be fine.

I swear, I can do it.

Okay, so emergency numbers
are in the..

Got it.

Ugh. It's not that big a deal.

All I got to do is
keep you alive for 48 hours.

Really? That's where
we're setting the bar?

Yeah, it is, kid, yeah it is.

Oh, wow.

You know, I got to say,
I think this whole mom thing

is gonna be really easy.

Do you even have kids?

No, no, no.

No, but I do have a lot of
things that are more important

like my smarts,

my feminine intuition
and this amazing podcast

called "MomTime Daily"
that I started listening to

in the car on the way over here.

♪ ♪

On today's episode,
we're talking allergies.

Peanuts, dairy, eggs,

how do we let kids be kids,
but still keep them safe?

♪ Parenting ain't harrowing ♪

♪ Demanding or traumatic ♪

♪ Let's face facts, moms say that ♪

♪ When they're not this good at it ♪

♪ Step aside, ladies, give your babies ♪

♪ To a Carol Brady-level matriarch ♪

♪ The only hard part of it is ♪

♪ How hard I'll hit this ♪

♪ When I knock it out the park ♪

- ♪ Your hands ♪
- ♪ Raise 'em up ♪

- ♪ Your glass ♪
- ♪ Raise it up ♪

- ♪ Low expectations ♪
- ♪ Raise 'em up ♪

- ♪ Your children, I'm gonna ♪
- ♪ Raise 'em up ♪

♪ It's instinctual, I'm a natural ♪

♪ I'm tireless, multi-taskical ♪

♪ My mom game's aflame ♪

♪ And it'll burn eternal ♪

Damn, I'm so maternal.

♪ So maternal ♪

♪ So maternal... ♪

♪ So maternal ♪

Tommy, lunch!

You're listening
to "MomTime Daily."

And we are so honored to have
supermom Rebecca Bunch

here on our podcast today.

Rebecca, you are one of
the most incredible moms

I have ever seen, even though
you don't have any children,

and you've only been babysitting
for less than an hour.

- How do you do it?
- First of all,

I want to say what an honor it is

for you to have me on your podcast.

You know, I guess I
just instinctively get

how to be a mom,

and that's what sets me apart
from other "mothers."

Agreed. Other
mothers are losers.


♪ Gonna keep 'em warm,
gonna keep 'em safe ♪

♪ Gonna keep their homework
free of mistakes ♪

♪ If the kid gets hungry,
I feed his face ♪

A real wholesome meal.

♪ Piece of cake ♪

Here, have a piece of cake.

- Energy.
- ♪ Let's bring it up ♪

- ♪ The volume ♪
- ♪ DJ, bring it up ♪

- ♪ My spotlight ♪
- ♪ Light guy, bring it up ♪

- ♪ Your children ♪
- ♪ Y'oughta let me bring 'em up ♪

♪ It comes easily ♪

♪ It's effortless ♪

♪ Even Gwyneth said
you're the best at this ♪

♪ In her well-respected
online journal ♪

Good God, I'm so maternal.

♪ So maternal ♪

♪ So maternal ♪

♪ So maternal... ♪

♪ So maternal. ♪

Parenting is the most

rewarding experience in the world.

If you follow some
commonsense guidelines,

you are bound to succeed.

Shut up!

♪ ♪


Hey, hey, hey, so, it's Saturday.

- What do you want to do?
- I, uh, woke up early

to turn on the cartoons,
but then you slept

for three more hours, so...

You didn't make any plans for us?

No, you... what, what?

You don't have anything to do?

You don't have baseball,
or soccer, or improv?

Like, don't you need to start
padding that résumé for college?


Who needs college when
you got this pretty face?

Wow, precocious. Uh, you know what?

It's your day, so just
tell me what you want to do.

- Anything?
- Anything at all.

I'm Mr. Mom, which means I'm a dad,

which means fun stuff.

Great, I'd like to try smoking and beer.

Oh, and I'd like to see naked boobs.

They don't have to be yours, though.

Yeah, so none of that's legal.

Um, so why don't we

just binge-watch a TV show?

I'm thinking...
Dora the Explorer.

You really don't know
how old I am, do you?

I know you're older than eight
and younger than me.

Hey, tell you what?

Why don't we just go get
a bunch of popcorn,

and watch whatever we want? Sounds good?

All right, vamanos, Boots.

Oh, and also, um, FYI,

boobs are really just
sacks of yellow fat, so...

not worth the whole obsession.

Ew. Now,

where does your mom keep your car seat?

Why is your friend on a sign for
the thing my mom calls my dad?

Oh, a douche.


Tommy, do you know what douches are?


This is a great opportunity

for you to soak up some wisdom

from a lady who
understands something called

"the patriarchy."

So, douches are a product
created by a corporation

that are meant to exploit...
O.M.G., it's my ex.

Okay, this is really awkward, um,

because the last time I saw him,

I peed on all of his stuff.

Up top.


You know what?

There's Josh Chan, but who cares? No.

I feel nothing, you know?

Quick emotional scan.

Boop boop boop.

Nope, nothing.

I'm in remission.

Yeah, I'm not even gonna say hi.

Watch, I'm not gonna say hi.


Hi, Josh.


Hi, Rebecca.

Uh, how have you been?

Haven't seen you since...

She peed on your stuff.

Uh... yeah... um, sorry.

Uh, this is, uh, Paula's son, Tommy.

He's my-my ward...
protégé, my charge for the day.

I'm babysitting.

Oh, cool.

Um, hey, Tommy, why don't you

go get yourself some candy, my man?

This a $100 bill.

Oh, sorry.

There you, should be enough.

Kids. Um...

So, hey, I've been meaning
to apologize to you about,

as Tommy said, the-the peeing.

Um... I have no excuse,

other than I felt primal that day,

but I hope it didn't fritz out
any of the expensive equipment.

It's fine, stuff happens.

Listen, Josh, I'm glad we
ran into each other, honestly,

because I hope that, after
everything that has happened,

that we can still be friends.


Yeah, like, me too.

I thought you would still be mad

- because of the way we broke up.
- No.

I made mistakes, you made mistakes,

you made some other more mistakes.

It-it... we're human.

I'm so glad to hear that.


Yeah, and, oh, I, uh, saw that
you-you have a new lady in your life.

Is her name, uh, Hannah?

- Anna.
- Anna!

Oh, right. And I saw you post
about it online.

And not all the posts,
a normal amount of posts.

Let's say three.

I saw three posts.

Uh, anyway, she's... whoo!

She's breathtaking, Josh.

So, uh,

...good job, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, wow, I mean,

I'm relieved we can just be
normal about this.

Why would I be weird about it?

Yeah, right? Exactly.

Well, uh...

good to see you.

Yeah, for me too, for me
to see you good. Yeah.

Uh, hey, come here.

Oh, uh-uh, I'm-I'm
actually a little sick.

Uh, that's what these tissues are for.

Like, I got a little
case of the sniffles.

Oh, c-come on.

I don't care, friends share
their airborne pathogens.

You know, Tommy,

you are one lucky little dude
to have Rebecca as a babysitter.

Yeah, she's not bad.

Oh, she's more than not bad,

she's Rebecca Bunch, she's the greatest.

♪ ♪

"The greatest,"
that's so nice of you.

That's nice Isn't that nice?

Being hyperbolic, with the...

Yes, just a quart of chicken soup.

And, sorry, just to be clear,

you do not have matzo balls, correct?

No, it's okay, I've just...

...never heard of chicken soup
without them, but okay.

Yes, so send to Josh Chan at Aloha Tech.

All right, now, for the note,
grab a pen. All right.

Hey, Tommy, what do you think
the note should say?

I want it to convey
"I still really care about you,

"but not in a needy way.

Just like in a friend way,
'cause I'm nurturing."

Okay, I'll handle it, never mind.

Hi, yes.

Ready for the note? Great.

"Dear Josh Chan..."

Actually, you know what?
Don't say "Chan," just "Josh."

No, don't write "Just Josh." Just...

No, no, write just "Josh,"
don't write the word "Just."

Okay, never mind, let's start over.

You ready? Okay.

"Dear Josh...

... enclosed in this
humble plastic container,

you will find an invitation
to a healing slumber.

To sleep...

perchance to dream.

Always, in friendship,

Rebecca N. Bunch."

Okay, read it back to me.


Yeah, uh-huh.

Okay, take out the "Always."

Great note, Dave, do that, yeah.

Also take out the "N."

Too formal, I agree.

Okay. Thanks.

Just to let
you know, I would do that

for any sick friend.

Not doing it just 'cause it's Josh.

He did look really sick, though.

Do you think Anna's taking care of him?

I mean, 'cause here's this guy,
green to the gills,

getting his own tissues.

Why? 'Cause she's busy with eyebrows?

Clearly, there's
an "I" in eyebrows.

You know what I'm saying?

Feel free to weigh in, Tommy-o!

Tommy boy!

Oh, my God, can you just stop talking?

I'm trying to look at boobs.

Thomas No-Idea-What-
Your-Middle-Name-Is Proctor.

Is this an adult-themed publication?

You gave me five months'
allowance and no guidelines.


So, Tommy, you're not in trouble.

But I think it's important that you know

that pornography does
not accurately reflect

adult sexual behavior.

Do you, like, always
make these big speeches?

Yes, I do.

Ah, man.
So let's put it this way.

Pornography is to sex,

as superhero movies
are to seventh grade.

Do you get what I'm saying?

Yeah, you're saying that seventh grade

is going to be awesome.

♪ ♪


Hey, delivery for you.

Chicken soup.

Oh, that is so nice of you.

Thank you, Alex.

It's not from me.

There's something on the
bottom, it's all wet.

- Is that a note?
- No, it can't be a note. Ooh.

Who put this crazy-long
of a note in a soup delivery?

Must be a shopping list
or something.

I guess you have a

anonymous soup fairy.

No, I know who it is.

My girlfriend Anna.

Oh, she's the best.

This is exactly what I love about her.

I mean, who else would take
the time out of their day

to take care of me?

I got to get a selfie with
this soup and tag her.

Can you take it?

I mean, I can, but then
it's a not selfie.

It's a picture with myselfie.

So, it's a selfie.

How do you not see that?

Got me there, bro.

Chicken soup!

So you're on Instagram?

But I thought you had to be at least 13?

Okay, well, I hope your account
is private.

Why? I've made a lot of friends.

Men who like bird-watching,

men who fly drones,

men who build basements.

Okay, Tommy, let's, um...

let's have a talk.

It's another little lecture.

So, you need to understand
how preteen boys

are viewed by...

some men with, let's say,
personal issues.

Now, it's not just men.

Female phys ed teachers can
also be a problem, but you...

...have to be vigilant.

Oh, my God!

What's wrong?

Josh posted a selfie
of himself with the soup.

That's not a selfie.

Someone else took that photo.

Okay, whatevs.



He said, "thank you @annathebrowbarian"

the best, sweetest girlfriend
ever, for my soup!"

That... He thinks Anna
gave him the soup.

Well, I can't have that happen.

I got to find him and tell him.

I mean, I mean,

I can't let Anna take credit

for my nurturing instincts.

Nope, I got to find him. Let's see.

Okay, okay, his Instagram says

right now, he's at Spider's.

That's a nightclub downtown
with confusing punctuation.

You know what?

I have an idea.

You go to the club,

leave me with some
more of those hundos,

and, uh, I'll stay home,

order myself some sushi,

study my magazines and...

No, no, no, no, no, you don't.
Okay, not falling for that.

Okay, hey.

I made a promise to your mom

that I would take care of you

and I take that responsibility
very seriously,

so I'm not leaving you home alone.

Now, come on, let's go
get you a fake I.D.

so we can go clubbing.

♪ ♪

When did Heather get famous?

Uh, what is this?

I asked for a whiskey on the rocks.

All they have are branded cocktails.

Enjoy your soju peachtini. Soju?

- What is that?
- Dude,

it's the most popular
alcoholic beverage in Korea.

Get woke.

Okay, that is not the
proper usage of "woke."

Whatever, white man.

Hey, what's the big surprise?

Yeah, bro, you look nervous.

Let's just say tonight
could change everything for me.

Could be a real

career move.

What's he talking about?

I have no idea.

Hmm, this is actually not bad.

Yeah, I love it.

I'm gonna bring a
bottle home for my mom.


All right, so your name's
Manuel and you're 27?

Eh, whatever.

Go on in.

I don't care about this job anyway,

I'm want to be a stunt man.

Sorry about that.


Excuse me?


So Jew?


Sieg Heil, bitch!

All right, Tommy,

here's what's gonna happen:

we're gonna go in, find Josh,

tell him about the soup, then leave.

Oh, look, the sign's
grammatically correct.


No, actually, Mr. Spiders
went into business

with his brother, Dr. Spiders.

So, it's actually Spiderseses.

Actually, that's a common misconception

about how plural possessive works,

but nice try, Himmler.

Okay, let's go. Come on.


What are you doing here?

I got done early and you said

you were doing something special,

so, here I am.

Oh, my God, you're the best.

- It means so much that you're here.
- Mmm.

Oh, oh, hey, fellas.

Oh, hey Rebecca and

child who doesn't belong
in a place like this.

He's fine.

We're just running an errand.

I'm looking for, uh... For Josh.

H-Have you seen him?

Uh, yeah, I just saw him
with his girlfriend.

Thank you.

I'm so stupid,

I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid, okay.

Listen, she can't know that I'm here.

Why not?

Okay, I accidentally
almost killed her cat

and she thinks my name is Madge
and that I live in Silver Lake.

So you lied to her?

I didn't lie.

You got to assess the context
and the role of the speaker...

- We should go.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, here comes the Soup-Stealer, duck!

♪ ♪

Oh, Tommy, that was close.


Tommy, can you hear me?

Tommy, can you see me?


Sorry, so I'm not a doctor, so I cannot

diagnose your...

situation, but thank you
for all of your detail.

I thought you were Miss Douche.

Like, that's supposed to
mean something.

Maybe stop douching?

That's probably the cause of

what's going on with you down there.

Whatever, I'll just take
another free douche, then.

Seri... Okay.

Don't douche and drive.

Oh, oh, oh, Heather!

Heather! Oh, okay.

Okay, okay. Lost child.

Crowd. His I.D. says Manuel.

Okay, calm down.

What's happening?

Why are you wearing those
ironic mom half sneakers?

They're not ironic and I really
need your help right now.

Okay, I lost Paula's son in this club.

Okay, just take a deep breath.

We will find him.

This place is not that big.

It's just dark and
full of creepy adults.

- Crap, let's move.
- Okay. Oh, let me see if he called me.

Ah, nothing!

But, but...

Oh, he did post on Instagram.

Thank God Paula doesn't
know he has an account.

- Bathroom! He's in the bathroom.
- Bathroom!

Bathroom. Bathroom.

Tommy? Tommy?


Where'd he go?

I mean, he was here two minutes ago.

Well, great.

Great. Paula and I are done.

Yeah, 'cause I was making it up to her,

but then I ruined it.

- So, she'll never forgive me.
- Totally.

I think you meant to say
you're upset a kid is missing.

Anna, what are we doing?

- Oh, my...
- Shh, follow me.

Come here, come here, come here.

What are you doing?
We got to find Tommy.

Just hide, I think he's coming. Okay.

I-I don't think we should be
in the ladies' room.

Hide your feet, hide your feet.

It's a unisex bathroom.
They're practically

begging for us to do it in here.




No, no, no.

This isn't happening.

How many times

must I sit in the bathroom

listening to Josh Chan
have sex with another woman?

Oh, he's nasty.

I totally get it now, girl.

Good for you.

Okay, they're gone.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!

We got to find Tommy, he hasn't
responded to any of my texts

or my Instagram messages.
I don't know what's wrong.

We heard there was sex
going on in the bathroom.

I was gonna come in and stop it,

but now that I see it's
you guys, carry on.

- I'll just sit here and watch.
- Yeah,

our love is not for your gaze.

All right, come on,

let's split up and look for him.

What she said.

You know, this place is not that bad

for a club in the suburbs.

- For starters, the parking lot is huge.
- Hmm.

So, Anna, do you know
what Josh's big surprise is?


He thinks he can beatbox.

I really hope it's not that.

Well, maybe he's a... party promoter now

Oh, he did say he thought this
was gonna be a big career move.

Time for the main event.

Brought to you by West Covina's

premium men's fashion destination...
that's right,

Brody and Bodine!

- Give it up!
- All right.

Our sexy

male models tonight were
scouted from local businesses.

Oh, no.

No, no.

- No...
- Uh, Anna,

could you go get us drinks at the bar?

Uh, with your back turned?

- For the rest of the night.
- Away from us.

Yeah, or go outside and,
uh, That's actually...

- Check out that cool parking lot.
- Yep.

What? And
miss the mall models?

Are you kidding?

This is gonna be hilarious.

I mean, this is gonna be the
stupidest thing I've ever seen.

Oh, my God, look at that guy.

He's so shiny.

Where is Josh? He's missing this.

- Yes, he is missing it.
- He sure is.


Oh, this is good.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

An adult man with a tiger tee?

Love it.

This seriously can't get any worse.

♪ ♪

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yep, yep,

yep, yep.

Oh, my...

Oh, God, I've left my body.

I'm floating over this room
right now, looking down.

Okay, okay, so, that's over now.

It's done. It happened.

Oh, good, he's coming back.

Oh, here he comes.

This is good, 'cause we can
get a better look.

At my boy, looking fresh.

Looking good, dude!

You go, boo.


- Yep, yep, yep.
- So sexy.

- Mm.
- Mm.

Did you find him?

No. He's not in this club.

I looked everywhere.

Oh, this is such a Rebecca Bunch move!

Because all I had to
do was keep him alive

for 48 hours and instead, no, no.

I lost him and I'm
putting him in danger,

'cause I-I'm selfish and I'm stupid!

I'm stupid, I'm stupid!

Oh, if you're waiting for
me to disagree with you,

that's not gonna happen.

Excuse me, sorry, guys. Hey!

There you are. So...

How does it feel to be
sleeping with a model?



uh, you know what?

I'm not feeling very well.

I think I'm coming
down with that cold.


don't worry. Uh,

it's just a couple days
of post-nasal drip

and a light cough.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna
need some time to...


Oh, great, okay.

You go home and, um,
I'll come over later

and bring you some cough drops.

Maybe we can
take a hot bath together.

Um, you know what,

Josh, here's the thing.

I really was into you.

I know. I remember the bathroom.


But now, my feelings changed.

Since 30 minutes ago?

I'm... I'm sorry.

It's a thing that happens.

Sometimes you really like someone

and then, a switch gets flipped

and then suddenly, you kind of feel like

you want to barf.

I'm so sorry.

When did this happen?

It might be when the sleeves zipped off.

I'm not sure. Oh, God,
I feel really bad.

So, okay, what are you saying?

I'm saying...

we're over.

Over? But we're a couple.

Y-You just sent me chicken soup.


That big tub of chicken soup
you sent me?

W-What? No. That wasn't...
that wasn't me.

I didn't do that.

Well, um... you take care, Josh.

It's been fun.

How did I get here?


Wait, she didn't send me that soup.

So, someone else sent me that soup.

But I don't know who sent me that soup.

How will I find out who
sent me that soup?

I was so wrong about Anna.

- I thought she was a nice person.
- Mm.

She's not. She's a poo person.

Wow, Josh.

Watch your mouth. Okay, bud?

- I'm so embarrassed.
- Ah, come on.

It's not your fault.

Was something wrong with my modeling?

Your male modeling? No. Nope.

Very good.

The soup was the thing
that made me feel

like she was right for me, you know?

That's what I want in a person.

Someone who's warm and nourishing.

Okay, talked to Dave at the diner.

I thought he wouldn't
remember one soup order,

but apparently the
person who called it in

made quite an impression.

Quoted Shakespeare and stuff.

Ah. So. I guess we know who that is.

- Rebecca.
- Shakespeare.


That makes perfect sense.

It's her.

Wai... She knew I was sick.

And she hugged me even though
I was contagious.

Oh, my God.

She's amazing.

- Well... uh...
- Eh...

She has her issues.

I mean, Rebecca. Of course.

It's always Rebecca, isn't it?

Wherever I turn,
everything points back to her.

♪ Duh, duh, duh, duh ♪

♪ What was I thinkin' ♪

♪ It's just, like, duh, duh, duh, duh ♪

♪ Can't believe that I couldn't
see it all along ♪

♪ Can't believe that
I could have been so wrong ♪

♪ Don't know what was going
through my mind ♪

♪ I'm just, like ♪

♪ Ugh, God, so stupid ♪

♪ Looking back on all those times ♪

♪ Like that one time ♪

♪ And that other time ♪

♪ And I'm just, like ♪

♪ Duh, duh, duh, duh ♪

♪ Duh ♪

♪ So obvious ♪

It's like, uh, hello?

♪ She was always right there for me ♪

♪ But I was too blind to see ♪

♪ Duh, duh, duh, duh ♪

♪ Duh ♪

♪ All I know is I got
to do something now ♪

♪ Either do or say ♪

Is it like a do

or is it like a say?

♪ I got to make a move ♪

♪ Just as soon as I think of ♪

♪ Exactly what I got to do ♪


I got to go get her.

I got to get her, like,
right this second.

I'm coming for you, baby!

Wait. I don't have my keys.

I left my keys and phone at the club?

♪ Duh, duh, duh, duh. ♪

Okay, Paula. So I full-on lost your son,

but I promise I will find him...



You're home!

Hey. I thought you weren't

supposed to be back until tomorrow.

Well, I wasn't...

- but then...
- Tommy!

Wow. You two really bonded.

Yeah. Yeah, we did.

Over all that volcano stuff.


Yeah, volcano. Yup.

- Volcano.
- Yeah. And I already told my mom

about that bully
that destroyed our volcano.

- You know. The one that we made.
- Right.

- R... Yes. Right. And...
- And then he sat on it,

and it just exploded right up his butt.


The kid is fine.

The lava was just made of
chewable mints and soda pop.

So, no harm done. But I was
just at that child's house

talking to his parents
very firmly, and saying

that any further bullying
would result in legal action.

And then I TP'd his house.

That is...


what I would have done.

That is the truth.

The truth. It's all
about context, right?


Hey, so...

Paula, why did you come home?
Is everything okay?

Oh, I just... I felt bad
being away right now.

I missed Tommy and...

I just started feeling kind of sad.


I'm here, so...

we can just be sad together.

Wow, you are a true friend.

You have been so great.

I am so sorry that I ever doubted you.

I trust you more
than anyone in the world.

Rebecca, what's wrong?


Who could that be?

It's late.

Josh? What are you doing here?

I had to come as soon as I knew.

Rebecca, it's you.

It's you, you're my Soup Fairy.

Oh, my God. You found out?


I know the truth now.

That soup shows that you're the
one who really cares about me.

Well, I... I know how sad
you get when you're sickie.

Okay, uh... Okay.

I... I'm gonna give you
guys a second. So...


I'm an idiot.

I realize now that all this time,

it's been you.

You've always been there for me.


but what about your girlfriend?

We're over. She's a poo person.

Oh, my God. I thought so too but
I didn't want to say anything.


do you want to go somewhere and talk?

Just me and you?

See where we can go from here.

I, um... I don't know
if I can just leave...


You know what? I just...

I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm... But I...

And I wasn't listening. At all.

I... I just... I just want to say

that I mean, you... you can go.

I am... I am fine.

I promise.

It's just... This is a...

It's a big moment. So...

Ah, okay...

Josh, um...

This is...

- ...this is amazing.
- Yeah!

And, um...

And you need to go.



I have to take care of my family.

I'm a mom now
and I have other priorities.


I-I guess I'll go.


Oh. But I'm not gonna
give up on you, Rebecca.

And I'm not gonna give up on us.

But I am gonna get my car
out of that parking lot

because it closes at midnight.

- Hi, Paula.
- Hey...

What just happened?


I got to tell you the truth.

None of what Tommy
or I said earlier happened.

It was all a lie, okay?

What actually happened tonight was...

I went to Spiders' to find Josh
to tell him that I'm the one

who I gave him soup
and I got Tommy a fake I.D.

and then I lost him in the club,
I mean, I really lost him,

Paula. I thought he was dead.


I put your son at risk.

I put our family at risk and...

I completely understand

if you don't want to be friends
with me anymore.

I've held onto this every day,

since you gave it to me.

And I look at it a lot,
especially in the last few weeks

when things weren't so good
between us, but I-I...

I don't deserve the Statue of Liberty.

Did anything happen to him in the club?

Did anyone interfere with
him in the bathroom?

- Did he do any drugs?
- No.

So he just ran around a club
and took an Uber home?

Oh, God.

Honey, I lost him for an entire
weekend at the mall once.

He was living in the Barnes
& Noble. He was so happy there.


I just... I have made
a million mistakes with my kids.

I mean, he's fine. Clearly.

Wait... Wait, this is okay...
Are you sure?


you were here for me when I needed you.

And right now,
you could have sailed

right out that door
with Josh, but you didn't.

Instead you decided to stay

and own up to your mistakes.

That is my brave little cookie.

I love you.

I love you, too.

♪ ♪

- A weekend in Barnes & Noble?
- Yeah.

Just to clarify, you've
never given birth.

Oh, no, no, no. Would
not be a good idea.

Um, mental illness runs rampant
on both sides of my family.

- Many suicides, many suicides.
- Amazing!

All right. Let's take a quick break

to hear a word from our podcast sponsor,

Truly Butter.

"When you're trying
to make things right

with your best friend Paula,

who you've been kind
of a bitch to lately,

why not take a break
and eat some butter together?"

Wow, that is weirdly
specific to my own life.

It sure is, Rebecca. It sure is.