Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Who Needs Josh When You Have a Girl Group? - full transcript

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

- HEATHER: So, you and V are good now.
- REBECCA: Yeah.

I always knew I kind of liked you.

You're basic but in an enjoyable way.

So, you're hanging out with...

Uh, yeah, yeah. Kind
of like my bitches now.

- I'm Sunil Odhav. Sunil.
- This is kind of embarrassing,

but you know you two are
wearing the same bracelet.

Yeah. They're friendship bracelets.

Oh! Oh! O-Okay!

- Uh, I got to go.
- REBECCA: You did not see his face



when he left my apartment that day.

I was dead to him. Like, he didn't want

to spend any more time with me.

I promise you, I'm gonna fix this.

All we need is some random
guy who went to Harvard

at the same time you did
and lives in Los Angeles.

- (computer dings)
- Ooh! Trent.

Oh, that's a perfect
name for a fake boyfriend.

REBECCA: Trent!

Baby!

Are you gonna kill me?

No! Why would I kill you? I love you.

- This isn't happening.
- (chuckling): Right.

You're not... we're not
gonna have a relationship.



♪ ♪

♪ I'm just a girl in love ♪

♪ La-la-la,
lovey-dove ♪

♪ I can't be held
responsible for my actions ♪

♪ She's an ingenue ♪

♪ I have no underlying
issues to address ♪

♪ I'm certifiably cute
and adorably obsessed ♪

♪ They say love makes you crazy ♪

♪ Therefore, you
can't call her crazy ♪

♪ 'Cause when you call her crazy ♪

♪ You're just calling her in love. ♪

Blam!

Four pairs of flip flops,
two pairs of water shoes,

three skateboards, a
bamboo epoxy surfboard,

rainbow board shorts,
shark board shorts,

and rubber ducky board shorts.

And then we've got the
hoodies, the cropped hoodies,

the sleeveless hoodies, and
then just some plain hoods.

And with the eight pairs of sunglasses,

the waterproof dive watch,
and Swimming For Idiots,

that comes to $10,312.93.

Thank you, sir.

Please...

call me bro.

Planning a big surfing trip, bro?

No. I hate the ocean.

I'm so scared of water,
I spot-wash in the shower.

I almost drowned in a
pool when I was little.

I'm just in town to infiltrate,

or should I say "inchilltrate,"

a certain bro friend group.

It's part one of a 42-point plan

that I call The Bunch Inception,

and it starts with me getting
in with this group of dudes.

Well, if you ask me, forcing
friendships never works.

Oh, and if you ask me,

I didn't ask you, Surf Shop Lady.

♪ ♪

(indistinct chatter)

Dude, move up. Quit
texting your new girlfriend.

Um, Anna is not my Ne.

We've only been out
on three amazing dates.

Yeah. You were single
for a brutal 11 minutes.

I'm glad you finally found somebody.

MAN: Hey. Uh, sorry, guys.
It's finals. New policy.

150 bucks for a table,

50 bucks for the bar.

It's like Vegas.

Models and bottles.

A cover charge? (scoffs)

At Home Base?

Look, I love you guys, I appreciate
your masculine bonhomie,

but times are tough.

- Finals are my moneymaker.
- Oh, (scoffs)

Come on! Kevin. Just this once?

- And also tomorrow night?
- And also... always,

until the finals are over?

Look, if you can't afford it,

please just go.

I can't stand seeing
the sadness in your eyes.

It hurts my heart.

All right.

- Thought we were boys.
- REBECCA: Oh, my God,

I lurve having someone to
go to the bathroom with.

Mm-hmm!

Stall sisters!

That's sweet, but next time,
when you got to go

number two, close the door, okay?

Uh, okay, but...

just so you know, like, when I disarm

the whole security system,
it's like the back door

unlocks with the front.
Know what I'm saying?

You talk about pooping a lot.

What up, thirsty hoes?

REBECCA: Hey! Oh, my God. Heather,

thank you for snagging us
the best table in the place.

VALENCIA: Yeah. My girl Heath
hooked us up

for the finals of... something.

REBECCA: Ladies,

if I may have permission to
be just a wee bit hyperbolic

- for a second,
- Mm-hmm.

I've had the best time hanging
out with the both of you.

Like, I think it's
official that we're a squad.

Oh! Right? We're like...

Sotomayor, Bader Ginsburg and Kagan!

Um, yeah.

Yeah.

This is so cool. I've never

been part of a girl group like this.

If peeing together is fun, I can't wait

- for the next activities! Squee!
- Squee!

(laughter) Yeah. I've also
never had a girl group,

and that's 'cause
studies show that women

tend to be indirect communicators

- and I'm too direct.
- Ah!

Speaking of which, here is a mint,

because your breath doesn't
smell, like, amazing.

Oh!

Look at that. Look
at how you helped her.

You know what? When we stick together,

I'm pretty convinced
there's nothing we can't do.

Like, I don't know. We could
just take over the world.

- Totally.
- (gasps) Oh, my God,

- I didn't tell you.
- Yeah, I feel that.

What? My name is actually Maria...

(voices fade, radio crackles)

(British accent): You
have now entered the world

of the best friends squad.

And when you have friends
that are this best,

you feel unstoppable... unstoppable.

So, prepare to surrender...

to the power of friendship.

'Cause we're gonna take over the world.

Like, actually.

We are actually going
to take over the world.

Well, just... just look over there.

♪ When my friends
and I stick together ♪

♪ There's nothing we can't do ♪

♪ And when I say that,
I specifically mean ♪

♪ We're gonna stage a coup ♪

(British accent): ♪ With the
power of our gossip giggles ♪

♪ We'll storm the Pentagon ♪

(British accent): ♪ Then celebrate ♪

♪ With bottomless mimosas
on the White House lawn ♪

♪ We're gonna braid
each other's hair ♪

♪ Then cut each other's braids ♪

♪ Connect the braids
to build a rope ♪

♪ To hang all of Congress ♪

♪ Squad goals, stay
together forever ♪

♪ Squad goals, take
control of the banks ♪

♪ Squad goals, don't let
a man come between us ♪

♪ If he does, shoot
him in the head ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Friendtopia ♪

♪ A dystopia around our friendship ♪

♪ Friendtopia ♪

♪ Our manifesto is fun ♪

♪ Zig-a-zow ♪

♪ Now that we have total control ♪

♪ Get ready for what's in store ♪

♪ Our reign will be
like Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meets 1984 ♪

♪ When one of us gets dumped ♪

♪ That becomes Memorial Day ♪

♪ All agriculture will be diverted ♪

♪ Into making us Rosé ♪

♪ There's a really
exclusive sushi place ♪

♪ That never lets us in ♪

♪ So when we don't get in, we say ♪

♪ Let's just go home
and drink Rosé ♪

♪ Roll call ♪

♪ Rebecca, the brainy one ♪

♪ Head of censorship
and mind control ♪

♪ Heather, the cool one ♪

♪ I put drugs in the water supply ♪

♪ Valencia, the sexy one ♪

♪ Czar of torture ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Friendtopia ♪

♪ We nostalgically
watch Hocus Pocus ♪

♪ Friendtopia ♪

♪ Aw, I love Hocus Pocus ♪

♪ Friendtopia ♪

♪ All citizens must
watch Hocus Pocus ♪

♪ Friendtopia ♪

♪ Or they will be killed ♪

♪ Zig-a-zow. ♪

(radio crackles)

Okay. Everyone in for a selfie?

- Yes! Okay.
- Here we go.

Ready? Chin down.

- Hooker.
- Mm.

- (snapshot)
- Oh, I think that was good.

- Let's approve it. Yeah?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- Approved. Yeah.
- Both: Approved.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. I love the side angle.

- It was solid. What filter?
- Um...

- Valencia!
- Valencia!

- Oh!
- Duh! Clearly.

DARRYL: So, this is
your girl group, huh?

Oh, yeah.

That's us. And we spell "gurl"
with a "U." Isn't that cute?

- Really cute.
- Well, it seems a bit exclusion-y,

I mean, since you do
have other close friends.

Oh, wait, Darryl, are
you talking about Paula?

Yes, and... others.

- Oh, Darryl, come on. Don't start.
- There might also be

other others who would
enjoy being included.

Maya, don't start.

(mouths)

Darryl, you don't... you
don't think that Paula

feels left out by that photo, right?

She doesn't feel like I've replaced her?

DARRYL: Well, I can't
speak for Paula, but

getting back to the others that
might be hurt by this photo.

OMG. I think you're right.

Look at... look at her.
Look how sad she is.

She totally feels left out.

God. What am I doing? What am I doing?

I've completely broken her heart.

I'm... I'm a complete monster.

After everything she's done for me.

(exhales) Okay.

Okay. Okay. I can still fix this.

I can totally fix this,
because all I have to do

is blend my old friend
somehow into my new friends

like some sort of friend jambalaya.

Well, why don't you just invite
Paula and your new friends

and any... really cool
co-workers that you have,

and just take them
out on a little soiree.

No... And then boom. You've got

a spicy, friend-y stew.

No. Darryl, I love you, but
that will never work, okay?

You just can't glom a
bunch of girls together

who have nothing in
common. It'll feel...

gross and forced. Ew.

No. What I have to do is make
it spontaneous and surprising,

like, "Oh! Look who happens to be here.

"You happen to be here,
you happen to be here.

"What a fun, spontaneous,

not forced blend of Rebecca's friends!"

Oh, and how are you gonna do that?

I don't know, Darryl.

Just stop starting.

Fine.

(sighs) Word on the street

(inhales sharply) is you
have a super fun girl group!

"Gurl" with a "U." Sassy.

I know something really fun

that all girl groups love.

Naughty toy parties.

My fabulous friend
Angelique throws them,

she is such a character.
The girls have the best time.

She brings everyone together,

all different types of girls.

Think about it.

♪ ♪

(roars)

Peanut monster!

Oh, oh. I'm sorry.

I-I thought you were my boss.

Oh. All good, bro. I think I'm lost.

Someone up front told
me there's a bathroom

back here somewhere? Oh!

Yeah, it's, um...

It's right around the corner.

Wait... don't I know you?

Oh, I don't know. Do you
hang ten at the beach?

Totally. (chuckles)

Hold up. I do know you.

You're the guy who was dating Rebecca.

- Y-You had a cool name... ?
- Oh,

it's Trent. You take
out the "T," it's Rent,

you take out the "R," it's Tent.

It's a easy way to
remember it, you know?

And you're...

- Josh, right?
- Yeah.

Wait, uh, don't you live in L.A.?

How come you're all the way out here?

Uh, I've been doing some
tech consulting in Azusa,

so lately I've just been
chillin' in the San Gabes Vals.

"San Gabes Vals"?

Dope. Stealing that.

- All yours, bro.
- (both chuckle)

I'll see you around town, okay?

You gonna be at Home Base
on Friday for the playoffs?

(sighs) I want to,
but they priced me out.

Bummer, man. Actually, you know what?

I just bought a table
for me and some clients

on my expense account.

There's still room if you want to join.

I mean, I don't want to force anything,

because if you ask me, that never works.

(chuckles) Uh, can I bring my friends,

uh... since it's on
your expensive account?

Absolutely, Broheemius Maximus.

- I'll see you there!
- Cool.

Cool. Oh, hey. On your way out,

would you send my boss Alex back here?

Uh, but don't tell him why. A'ight?

A'ight. Yeah.

(mouths)

♪ ♪

(typing rapidly)

(sighs) Hey, Paulsy.

Ew, no.

That sounds wrong.

I was wondering if you, uh,

wanted some of my croistazzanut?

It's a croissant, a donut and pizza.

- Oh, oh...
- Mm?

No, that's okay, honey, I'm not hungry.

You know,

a lot of things going on.
Got a big test coming up,

torts... you know how it is, you get it.

Yeah, um, hey,

so I was wondering
what you're up to on...

Friday night? Um, 'cause I was,

I was thinking you could come over,

see my new house.

We've been working real hard on it.

Oh, I mean that sounds really great,

but, I mean, I-I've got...

I've got the torts test, so...

- Right.
- I mean, you know.

But here's the thing,

I really miss you.

And I want you to be a part of my life

and see everything.

You know, I want to take you

and all of the other wonderful
things in my life and just

- smoosh 'em together.
- (chuckles)

Well, you know, I mean, it does,

does sound really nice, actually.

Yeah?

I would love to see your new house.

So... yeah, all right.

- Oh, yay! Yay. Okay, great.
- Yay! (chuckles)

Hey, so,

tell your friend Angelique
we are on for Friday night.

- I'm throwing a sex toy party.
- You got it.

And just to be clear,
you're not invited.

Oh, you got it.

PAULA: We have to remember
that federal courts

in diversity actions
apply the substantive law

of the state in which they...

Let's just say the word.

Rebecca is needy.

She's M.I.A. and now

snaps her fingers

and you just come running?

Wow, you really don't want to study.

I'm just trying to help you out.

You're the one who's
jeopardizing your torts test

by spending time with your woman child.

Oh, and you

haven't even told her about

the decision you made and everything.

Yeah, well, you know,

it's not easy to wedge an abortion

in a conversation.

You just did it.

She is making time for me.

And I am... I'm happy about it.

And I will try to tell her, I will.

It's just, you know, it's hard

to tell people about
serious stuff sometimes.

I mean, you know.

Wasn't it hard for you

to tell people about
your wife's suicide?

I didn't have to.

She left a note on Facebook.

And this was before

all those different "like" options,

so people didn't know what to do.

REBECCA: Okay, so,

let me give you the grand tour...

- Yes...
- of the new place.

Okay, so, over here is my bedroom.

- Mm.
- That's Heather's bedroom over there.

Bathroom.

And this is our kitchen

- (gasps)
- with brand-new appliances.

Oh...

you have an island.

What are you, a Rockefeller?

I know, right?

- Oh, my God.
- It's so cool.

Um, over here's our
kitchen table for food

- and heated discourse.
- (laughs)

And so, yeah, the whole place is

completely renovated, so
it's basically like new.

Whoa.

Wow.

Okay, it's not that... I mean, it's...

yeah, it's just paint, so...

(gasps) I know this place!

This is where all those people were

murd...

Look at those sconces!

Oh, yeah. Nice, right?

So nice.

Honey, I am so proud of you.

Oh!

- Oh...
- (chuckling)

And you know what? I am really glad that

we finally have the time to
just put our feet up and...

you know, have a nice long
chat just like we used to.

Um, so,

chatting is fun, but you
know what else is fun?

No...

What up, biatch?

We got the T-shirts.

Yeah, Rebecca,

we got you a medium.

I wanted to get you a large because

of your massive boobs, but...

Introducing the newest
member of our girl group,

P-P-P-Paula.

♪ ♪

Hey, Rebecca,

I'm gonna infiltrate your
guy friend group tonight.

So, when, at a future time,
you see me chillin' with them,

you'll think, "He's so normal,

I'm in love."

♪ It's the Trent is
getting ready song ♪

♪ The Trent is getting ready song ♪

♪ Trent's getting ready ♪

♪ Trent's getting ready ♪

♪ The Trent is getting ready... ♪

(yells)

Crap! My back.

Slap, clasp, pull,

hit the back.

You can do this.

You're the best.

Hey, um, we're not on...

Hey, Trent!

Hey, uh, it's cool.

They're with me. They're with me.

(chuckling)

Slap, clasp, oh, pull. Hit the back.

Hey.

- And that's how we do it.
- Cool.

Uh, well, these are my boys.

Uh, what's up Hector and White Josh?

How'd you know our names?

Yeah, have we met?

Oh, um, I called you
White Josh because...

you're a white person
who looks like Josh.

And, obviously I called you Hector

because...

I'm racist.

Yeah, that's right.

We got the table to ourselves

for the momento, bromentos.

My clients won't be here for a minute.

You sure it's still chill that we chill?

Dude, of course it's
still chill that we chill.

Look, first, second and
third rounds are on me.

ALL: Oh!

Yeah. Let's do this!

- Dude, yeah.
- (whoops softly)

Okay,

that looks great.

Paula, I'm really sorry

that I didn't have a blank T-shirt

to work with and I had
to write on the back,

but I think it looks
great. What T-shirt is that?

What-what T-shirt
is that? Remind me.

Oh, the Breast Cancer Rock and Roll

Walk/Run 5K, Parsipanny, New Jersey.

That's a great cause,
great organization.

Sorry, I didn't make you a shirt, Paula.

I-I don't know how
these girl groups work.

Did I do something wrong?

No, you didn't. You're doing great.

What happened was Rebecca
didn't tell us Paula was coming

or tell Paula we would be here.

- Oh...
- It's weird.

Okay.

There's that endearing honesty!

(chuckles) Okay,

who wants cocktails? (snaps fingers)

Hey, honey,

um, I-I don't mean to be a wet blanket,

but, you know,

I just thought that tonight was,

was gonna be just us and...

you know, it's ju... I just...

I have so much studying
to do and I have to...

No, no, no, no, no, let me cut you off
right there. Please don't leave.

Please don't leave, it's-it's...

It's so important to
me that you be here,

okay? And I know why
you're a little weirded out.

I didn't tell you that they'd be here

because I knew you'd...
You'd make your face.

That face. Just give me an hour.

One hour, okay? And if we're not all,

like, totally blood sisters by then,

you can leave, no hard feelings.

Okay?

- Okay, okay.
- Great!

Okay, great.

All right.

(Rebecca humming excitedly)

Oh... (sighs)

Who's ready to slightly
poison their bodies

and create an artificial
sense of warmth and well-being?

(squeals) Okay...

Yeah, isn't this great?

I don't know.

Paula seems a little uncomfortable.

Yeah! Okay, let's, uh...

Let's all... Let's all take a selfie.

Let's take a selfie,
let's take a selfie!

Okay. Let's do it.

- A selfie!
- Okay, everyone get in.

Chin down. Okay, okay.

(sighing) Okay, pucker face.

- Mm?
- Okay.

All right, Paula, Paula, just go...

- Find your lens, Paula.
- No, I can't... Just go...

Only your boob is in the lens.

Okay, you can only...
Yeah, you know what?

Here. And...

- Oh.
- (camera clicks)

Smile. Done.

It's good.

(sighs)

You saw it, too, huh?

What? No. What?

Another girl squad photo.

I'm so sad.

I want to be gal pals with Rebecca.

She makes me think
women can have it all.

Hey, Maya, has anyone ever told you

that your voice sounds like

a mouse with throat cancer

(high-pitched): talking into
a little, tiny mouse voice box?

Do you get that a lot?

What? No.

I-I've never heard that
before, but I-I'm sorry,

I didn't mean to bother you,

I'm just really sad that
I'm not at Rebecca's house

for the fun party.

Sweetheart, listen to me,

you can't force a friendship.

Everyone knows that.

But what if you and I team up

and we find a way into that party?

Me? Team up with you?

(laughing)

That's just ridiculous.

I would have to be pretty desperate.

(sighs) What'd you have in mind?

Nothing yet.

Okay, so, to refresh, it goes...

♪ This song goes
in a loop Dee loop ♪

♪ It starts at the end ♪

♪ And it ends at the start ♪

♪ Of this song goes
in a loop Dee loop. ♪

Do you like it?

I-I-I made it up in
the shower this morning.

I really think it could be

the new "John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt." Okay,

you-you want to try it with me?

♪ This song goes
in a loop Dee loop ♪

♪ I think I need a
noose Dee noose. ♪

(laughing)

Paula.

You put your own spin
on it, and that's fun.

(doorbell rings)

Thank God.

Ladies,

get ready, because I
have a surprise for you.

(chuckles) I think you're
really gonna like it.

Paula, you especially.

Strap yourselves in

for the naughtiest ride of your life.

(smacks lips) Ladies and...

ladies, may I present to you...

Angelique!

Oh, God!

- I got to be friends with Karen, too?
- (door closes)

Karen, what are you doing here?

Where's... where's
your friend Angelique?

Karen? Who is Karen?

Je suis Angelique!

(chuckles)

Yes! Yes, come on! Yes!

Yes, yes! Come on! Yes.

Come on, defense!

Come on, defense!

God, I'm hungry. God, I'm hungry.

So, what are we doing after this, guys?

Aren't you going to be
hanging with your clients?

What? No.

I just got a text.

- They're dead.
- Uh...

uh, what?

What?

(chuckling): To me.

Classic Trent.

Just joking around.

They're dead to me
because they bailed on me.

But we would never do
that to each other, right?

I mean, bros for life.

You hungry, Hector?

Hector, you're hungry.

Um, what do you want? Chicken wings?

Everyone want a chicken wing?

Yeah?

Well, what I'm gonna do right now

is get us a basket

full of four chicken wings.

Okay, four chicken wings for my friends.

(phone beeps)

Love the free stuff,
but this is not worth it.

Yeah, he is real strange.

Pretty sure he murdered those clients.

(laughs)

Sorry, just Anna texted me a picture

of a cat dressed up like
a dog. Oh, my God.

Where does she find this stuff?

Okay, so we're looking for
something that says we're fun

and that we're gonna bring the party

up a notch.

So, what can we bring?

Hmm? Now, there are no bad ideas.

This is a safe space.

We could bring a pineapple.

A pineapple?!

You want us to show up

at a party with a damn pineapple?

Well, you didn't let me finish.

I read this cool thing
where you take the pineapple

and you soak it in rum overnight...

oh, shoot.

Mm, mm-mm,
mm-mm.

This is a particularly
naughty little device.

Ta-da!

Is that a claw?

Yes.

And a drainage hose?

- Oui.
- And those are suction cups?

Oui, oui.

Looks like Rube Goldberg
got naughty, am I right?

It's held on to your special

area with a small,
machine washable belt.

(giggles)

You walk around with it

all day long.

(whispering): No one knows.

Hmm? Then,

around midday, your hubby gives
you a little remote zippity zap.

(gasps, moans)

(moaning)

Kablow.

You just clapped your monkey

in the middle of a business meeting.

- (laughs)
- (phone buzzes)

"Oh, I'm sorry, work superior,

"but my badass hubby

just made me kablookie in my pantsuit."

Everyone knows what I'm
talking about, right?

Wait, are you... what-what...
are you listening?

No, I'm just... I'm texting
Scott about the kids.

Okay, okay.

And the best part... it's only $175.

Hmm.

And it's made in America.

Here, touch.

Oh. Mm, no.

(giggles) You have my consent.

(whispering): Touch it.

Here, touch it, touch it.

(in deep voice): Touch it!

Okay. (clears throat)

W-W-W-Wait, you're
not leaving, are you?

No, no, no, no, I'm just...

I'm going to pee. Okay,
'cause the products

are actually really good quality.

Okay. Once it's locked

onto the cervix, that's
when the fun really starts.

It may take a few minutes,

- but you just have to dig around...
- REBECCA: Time out.

Guys. Karen.

Je suis Angelique.

Fine. Paula's not having enough fun.

Okay? She's not blending
seamlessly into our group.

We need to include her
more in our friendtopia.

Friendtatorship?

No, I prefer friendtopia.

She just doesn't want
to be part of the group.

You shouldn't, like, force it.

I'm not forcing,

I'm aggressively facilitating.

She needs our help.

PAULA: Help!

Do you hear that?

She is literally calling

for female group solidarity.

I will be right there.

PAULA: Lock is jammed!

- I can't get out. I'm stuck. Help!
- Okay, stand back.

(in British accent):
Girl group to the rescue!

Zig-a-zow!

Oh, geez.

(whines)

(screams)

(all scream)

(all gasp)

(coughs)

Get me out of here.

(groaning): I am trying.

♪ Paula's stuck in the bathroom ♪

♪ This night was
already super weird ♪

♪ And now she's stuck
in the bathroom ♪

♪ Whoever renovated this house ♪

♪ Did a terrible job ♪

♪ Valencia walks up
to the beam and says ♪

♪ I can try ♪

♪ I have a deceptive amount
of muscular strength ♪

♪ Due to my amazing core ♪

- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Paula calls out from the bathroom ♪

- (mouthing)
- ♪ Her little bird arms ♪

♪ Are not gonna do anything ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ Then I step up and I'm like ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ I'll try ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ My second sophomore year
I took a kinesiology class ♪

- ♪ That's college for gym ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Nothing happens ♪

♪ Then we all look over at Karen ♪

♪ The kind of deranged woman ♪

♪ Who's pretending to be ♪

♪ Some French chick ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ Karen says ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Sorry, Angelique ♪

♪ Has an epigastric hernia ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- Gross.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I've had enough so I say ♪

- ♪ We need to call someone ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ She's stuck in the bathroom ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ She's stuck in the bathroom ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Let's call 911 ♪

♪ Wow, I can't believe
it took us that long ♪

♪ To come up with the
most obvious solution ♪

- ♪ Kind of embarrassing ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ Now Rebecca jumps and shouts ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yes! Yes! Hang in there, Paula ♪

- ♪ We're gonna get you out ♪
- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

- ♪ And she runs over to the phone ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ Panicking ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Meanwhile, Paula's still
stuck in the bathroom. ♪

- Shh, I'm on the phone.
- Sorry.

So, I was thinking, what
about a weekend away?

Right? Like a bro surf weekend?

Whatever you guys are into.

You guys roller skate?

Psych.

I know it's not cool.

(laughs) I've grown out of it.

Look, blades, though, right?

And jackets with wings

because, wait for it...

we are the Chicken Wing Boys.

Ca-caw!

- Okay, I'm done.
- Yeah.

- I'm out, too.
- What? Wait, you can't leave.

The game's not even in its last part.

Uh, we'll just listen to it
on the radio in the car...

or anywhere else. Come on.

She called me boo.

She called me boo!

- I'm so in!
- Come on, boo.

Ow!

Um, thanks for all the free stuff, Tent.

I mean, um, Rent.

Uh, honestly, man, it makes it harder.

Wait, wait!

Bros, stay. Chill!

My boos!

(men shout)

Guys, I really need to sell something.

At least buy some lube.

It's great.

I even use it as hand lotion,

which is why I'm always dropping things.

And... it's edible.

- HEATHER: Oh, oh!
- VALENCIA: Please don't...

REBECCA: Oh!

- Oh!
- Oh, God, Karen.

You know what, I'm out of here.

You guys are cheapskates
and you not fun.

(French accent): Au revoir, losers.

Paula, Paula,

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry about the beams,

about Karen, everything, but the
fire department is on its way.

Okay? Um, if you get hungry,

there's a Snickers in
that medicine cabinet.

It's my bath Snickers.

And I-I'll text Scott

and-and tell him what's happened.

- Okay.
- Um, I don't have his number.

Uh, okay, um, I'll text
him from your phone.

No... you... hey!

Don't... uh... I...

I'll just text him

when I get out of here, so...

No, it's fine.

Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, j-just don't worry about it.

Just-Just-Just
put my phone down!

It feels like Paula is trying
to hide something

from Rebecca that is on her phone.

Is this part of what girls do?

- Should I be giggling?
- (whispering): No.

Yeah, so I'm definitely gonna
look at your phone now, Paula.

Luckily, I know your pass-code.

Oh, my God, I've got

to change my privacy settings.

Just stop!

Hey, ladies, do you want to know why

Paula didn't want me
to look at her phone?

This is actually...

really funny. Um...

so, Paula texted her
friend from law school,

Sunil, uh, quote...

"Help! I'm having the worst
night of my life!" Unquote

Okay, Rebecca, you put that phone down

because you are

violating the 2012 California

- Electronic Privacy Act!
- Oh!

(stammers) Sorry, there's
actually, there's more.

This part's, like... this
is when it gets really funny.

Um, she then says, uh,

for him to come rescue her

and then, "Quick, make
up some story to get me

the hell out of here."

(Valencia laughing)

- N-No.
- No? Oh.

Texts like these, like, bitchy texts,

you used to send these to me.

You know, Paula, I was agonizing

over whether or not you'd
felt like I'd replaced you...

... but now I realize

I'm the one who's been replaced.

And you know, you never even
gave this night a chance.

You never even tried.

Surf Shop Lady.

Super small world, the San Gabes Vals.

Hey, yeah.

How did your bro plan work out?

Didn't. You were right.

Forcing friendships is stupid.

And now the girl that I love

will never have a
chance to love me back.

Oh, my God.

Oh!

You were doing this for a girl?

Sweetie, why didn't you tell me that?

Oh, that is so nice.

(high-pitched): Oh, I'm gonna cry.

Really? You think it's sweet?

Forcing friendships is weird
but forcing love is so romantic.

You got to force love.
Everybody knows that.

Look at Prince Charming.

He made a whole country try on a shoe.

So... where is she?

The girl that you love?

- I don't know, probably at home.
- Then what are you doing here?

Go to her now. Run.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, go!

Okay, all right.

Go get your Cinderella!

(squeals, giggles)

So, you couldn't even

tell me to my face

that you wanted to leave?

(scoffs) Great.

(doorbell rings)

- Um... I'll get it.
- Oh, wonder who that is. Hmm?

N... (groans)

Hi, is Paula here?

Uh, I'm Sunil, Paula's friend.

Paula, the dude you sent those
mean texts to about us is here.

Yes, I have to tell her something.

You won't believe what happened.

I can barely catch my breath.

I just came to tell Paula that Timmy...

Tommy stepped on a nail
and has tetanus already

and has to be hospitalized.

So, that wasn't even

almost a good lie.

Um, you sound like you're playing Pepper

in a road company of Annie.

Excuse me, I have a degree in theater.

If you did,

you would know that

a road company, aka a national tour,

(chuckling): is a very
sought after engagement.

Rebecca, I am so sorry.

- Paula!
- Oh.

- What happened?
- Later!

You know what? Don't
apologize to me, Paula.

'Cause when the firemen get here

and get you out, you won't have to be

friends with me anymore.

- We could dress like caterers.
- No.

And do you want me to give
you a list of the reasons

why that's not gonna work?

I can't do this anymore.

- I'm exhausted.
- Exhausted?

We have a mission.

Show a little grit.

(mocking voice): What
are you, a man or a mouse?

Huh? Well, I know the answer to that.

I see your little mouse paws.

Oh, I'm nocturnal, but I'm still tired.

(squeaking)

Darryl, stop it, okay?

I've had enough of you bullying me.

You've done it ever since I got here.

I'm nice, I work hard and I'm smart.

The fact that my boss picks on
me is making me worse at my job

and negatively impacting my health.

(forces cough)

You've created a
hostile work environment.

Oh. I mean, I was just... teasing.

No, you weren't.

You don't like me

and I want to know why.

Well, I don't know.

I don't know.

Yes, I do know.

Because you remind me of somebody

I'm very uncomfortable with.

Me, myself and I.

Really?

You're overeager,
desperate to be included,

forcing yourself on people,

and I don't like that about myself,

And when I see it on someone else,

I find it even more repulsive.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

But... it's not your fault, I swear.

Whatever your next idea is,

that's what we're gonna do.

Do you mean it?

'Cause this one's really good.

(straining)

Sorry, I haven't worked out since birth,

so this isn't gonna work.

Somebody get me out of here!

- Maybe if we all work together.
- SUNIL: Yeah.

Oh, oh, so now you want
everyone to be together

and do together things? (fake laugh)

(knocking on door)

Well, firemen are here, Paula,

so your wish is granted, you can leave.

(women gasp)

Trent?

- (romantic music plays)
- Rebecca, I'm here.

I am here to tell you

how I feel about you.

And I'm not gonna wait another minute.

Trent, you weirdo-face, put me down!

Although, you just scooped me up
like I was a basket of muffins.

But put me down!

What are you doing here?

I'm here to make you try on a shoe.

(music stops)

Dude, what?

Keep talking, guys, still
stuck in the bathroom.

- Oh, God.
- What?

Wait, what's the problem?

Well, Paula's stuck in there

and we've been waiting for the firemen

for, like, a long time.

Typical girl group stuff, right?

No.

There's no need for a fireman.

Step aside, ladies.

We're not in your way.

- TRENT: You just...
- Whoa.

Got to force it.

(groaning)

Here, here, here, here, here.

Oh, oh.

SUNIL: I got you, I got you.

See, you can force construction stuff,

but not, like, friend stuff.

(groans)

Wow, okay, so, Trent's
here. Why's Trent here?

You know what? Don't tell me.

Just whatever nonsense is
going on between the two of you,

now, I just... you know
what? I don't want to know.

Come on, Sunil.

Yes, we have to go get Tommy

before he's killed with tetanus.

No, no, no! You are not leaving.

We need to talk.

Now, you have been

rude to me and everybody
here this whole night.

And... really makes me angry
'cause I did this all for you.

You did all this... for me?

I sensed that you were feeling
left out of my friend group,

and so I wanted to include you.

No, uh, you just wanted to feel better

about abandoning our friendship.

You moved on from us as friends,

which is fine, but just admit it.

(chuckles) So, I've moved on from you?

What's going on with,
uh, your palsy-walsyness

with Daughter #5 from Fiddler?

(chuckling): She has
a name, it's Bielke.

- She's a principal character.
- Why is he always

- talking about his theater major?
- Because...

I know many theater majors.

They don't bring it up, they just are.

Also, you want to talk
Fiddler sisters, bro?

We got Tzeitel, Hodel, Chava, Shprintze.

And I'm not a theater major,

I've just seen the show a couple times.

- Oy, no one cares!
- He does.

Hey, Rebecca.

For the past few months,

every time I wanted to talk to
you, you were too busy for me.

Uh-uh, no, that's not
true, that's not true.

- Oh...
- That's not true.

I spent hours on that letter
of recommendation for you.

Yes, and when did you give it to me?

When did you put it in my hand?

After the deadline.

But-but... (stammering)

you said it was really good.

That's like saying a birthday
cake is better the next day.

Which it famously is!

Admit it, our relationship
has always been one-sided.

I give, you take.

And that is how it works.

That's not fair, that's not fair.

That hurts me.

You've never been there
for me when I need you.

Yes, I have been.
Just the other day I...

I came to your house when you were,

you were sick with the flu or whatever.

- You didn't tell me what it was.
- That wasn't the flu,

I had an abortion.

(sighs)

Oh, my God.

You had an abortion?

Yes, yes, I did.

- You didn't tell me?
- No, I did not.

She wanted to tell you many times.

So, Kenickie's understudy there knows?

- You told him?
- Okay...

You've known him for, like, three days!

Yeah, you know what?
And he listens to me.

I listen to you, I
would've listened to you.

You just didn't give me the chance.

I was, I was sitting there...

I was sitting there on
the edge of your bed,

and you said nothing.

I mean, I asked you,
I asked you point blank

if anything was wrong.

- You didn't really mean it.
- Yes, I did, yes, I did.

No, you didn't.

This is the problem, you
never give me the chance.

You never give me the chance.

You never ask for my
support with your abortion

or anything else in your life.

I shouldn't have to ask!

(siren chirps)

The firemen are here.

- The emergency's over.
- DARRYL: Is it?

I think the dance
emergency has just begun!

(music plays through boom box)

♪ We gonna keep it rolling ♪

♪ Moving on a brighter day ♪

♪ Try to pull me down,
but I never slow up ♪

♪ Hop on if you're coming my way ♪

♪ We gonna keep it rolling ♪

♪ Moving on a brighter day ♪

♪ Smiling 'cause I
see the silver lining ♪

♪ Hop on if you're coming my way. ♪

Do firemen just not come to this house?

Who? What about that dance?

That was pretty awesome, right?

And so super easy to learn, you'll see.

Okay, now, Maya and I, we're
gonna split you into two groups.

So everybody count off one,
two, one, two, one, two.

What, no takers?

Hey.

Isn't this the house where
all those drug dealers

were murdered... Ooh.

Marble counter-tops, cool.

- What were you guys talking about?
- (chuckles nervously)

- (knocks on door)
- Come in.

(door opens)

Hey.

- I just wanted to say good-bye.
- (sighs)

I'm leaving and I'm sorry.

I tried to force things.

First friendship and then love.

And now I know that
forcing things doesn't work.

Yeah, I feel that.

And now I know that apparently

horrifying things have
happened in this house

and I had no idea.

Listen, Trent, I appreciate

you Schwarnegg-ing out back there,

but what are you doing here?

I haven't seen you in months.

Well, I found out that you
broke up with Greg and Josh.

And so... you're finally a free agent.

I hacked your texts and your e-mails.

Oh. Wow, okay.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that, too.

Um, good-bye.

Wait.

Are you clean?

Yeah, I spot-washed this morning.

What? No, I meant, do
you have any diseases?

Like, the big ones?

No, I just got a physical.

My body is perfect.

Great, want to have sex?

Are you kidding?

Well, I mean, I'm bored,
I got nothing to do,

and plus, it might cheer me up.

So...

are you in?

- Yes, please.
- Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, just to be clear, though,

I don't want to see
you again after this.

Understood?

Understood.

Okay, what? (squeals)

- Can I kiss your mouth?
- Y-Yes. Mm.

So, can you show us in person?

'Cause I watched online like 50 times

and I just... I keep messing it up.

And everyone's doing it at every party.

Oh, yeah, that's how
you get to 1,800 views.

(chuckling)

So many.

So, does it have a name?

Oh, yeah, it's got a name, it's, uh...

- it's called the Maya.
- (gasps softly)

Hit it, M-Dog.

(boom box button clicks)

♪ 5, 6, 7, 8! ♪

♪ We gonna keep it rolling ♪

♪ Moving on a brighter day ♪

♪ Try to pull me down,
but I never slow up ♪

♪ Hop on if you're coming my way ♪

♪ We gonna keep it rolling ♪

♪ Moving on a brighter day ♪

♪ Smiling 'cause I
see the silver lining ♪

♪ Hop on if you're coming my way ♪

♪ I came a long way,
reversing the wrong way... ♪

♪ ♪

(chuckles) Wow. Trent,
I got to say, um...

That was amazing.

You're, um...

you're really good at...

at everything, actually.

I mean, you're just so... patient.

Thank you.

No, it is I who should thank you.

(exhales)

For taking my virginity.

No. No, I... n-no, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

Do you want to take it again?

Eh, okay.

No, no, no, no.

You got to pay the toll first, buddy.

Okay. Come on.

There we go. This is my favorite.