Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Can Josh Take a Leap of Faith? - full transcript

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

You're, like, really dramatic and weird.

Did you see this résumé?
Harvard, Yale, special skills.

Mandarin? What the
hell is she doing here?

Why are you even in our
lives? No one really knows you.

REBECCA: I was in New
York, I ran into Josh.

He made me feel warm
inside, like glitter

was exploding inside
me. Then, I moved here.

I love him so much.

I know, sweetie.

When we were kids, he
made me feel so happy.



And if I could get back to that place,

my life would magically... be okay.

Josh?

(screams) The wedding is in two weeks!

Of course my father's
not coming to my wedding,

and walking me down
the aisle. Of course.

'Cause that's a normal thing

and normal things are not for me.

Josh... he's gonna walk out

just like my dad did.

And he's never gonna come back.

Darryl and I need to see
you in his office ASAP.

Dad? You're really here.

Hi.



(sighs)

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(sighs)

(knocking)

Mm? (door opens)

Hey, hey.

Hi. Aah!

- It's all ready. You want to see it?
- Yeah! Okay.

(sighs)

Hmm?

(smacks lips) Oh...

Hmm? (gasps)

Huh? Look, look, look, look.

Oh, Paula, it's so pretty.

(chuckles) I'm crafty.

I can do stuff.

- Wow.
- Okay, but you know what?

It-it's all just hot glued,

and it can, like, fall
apart at any second,

so just don't... don't... (vocalizing)

Okay. Let's just, just...

(sighs)

My God.

I just can't believe this is happening.

Paula, I'm marrying Josh Chan.

(heavy metal music playing)

♪ What a rush to be a bride ♪

♪ What a rush to be a bride ♪

♪ I can't believe you snagged him ♪

♪ Now I'm his bride ♪

♪ Yes we really nabbed him ♪

♪ Forever you will have him ♪

♪ Standing right there ♪

♪ By my side ♪

♪ What a rush to be a bride ♪

♪ I've been picturing this day ♪

♪ Since I was a little girl ♪

♪ I never thought it
would all come true ♪

♪ Now I'll be wearing
my nana's pearls ♪

♪ You're gonna look so angelic ♪

♪ When I'm a bride ♪

♪ Your vows are gonna
quote the Bible ♪

♪ I'll be such a pretty bride ♪

♪ What quote are you going with? ♪

♪ Love is patient, love is kind ♪

♪ Why veer from a classic? ♪

♪ Oh the tears of joy I'll cry ♪

♪ Darkness darkness darkness ♪

♪ Will be avoided
with a unity candle ♪

♪ Sacrifice sacrifice sacrifice ♪

♪ Some flowers by cutting them
and putting them in vases ♪

♪ Evil evil evil ♪

♪ If you anagram the
letters, it spells veil ♪

Yay!

♪ What a rush to be a bride. ♪

Oh, my God, look at this lace.

Look, it's so dainty and delicate.

- Oh, the details.
- It's so pretty.

- I love the color.
- Oh, my God, it's so pretty.

Look at the white...
Why didn't you get the...

- (squeals) ...
- in a bow.

(humming)

JOSH: Hey, Becks.

Hi!

Um, it's three days

until our wedding. Can you believe it?

Oh, yes. So exciting.

Then it will all be over with.

Hey!

Oh. (laughs) I mean, like,

a wedding is great.

But I'm excited for our
actual life together to start.

Oh, that's sweet.

But weddings are also really important.

'Cause, you know, it's
family and tradition,

and they bring everyone together.

(sighs) I'm so excited
that my dad's coming.

I'm so excited, Josh.

I mean, God, when he walks
me down the aisle...

... it might heal things between us.

Yeah.

Oh. I'm glad you're
so excited about him.

I mean, usually

you refer to him as
the "garbage father,"

or the "Westchester sperm machine."

Yes. Yes, you are right.

You know, we've had our problems,

but... that's in the past.

To be honest, as a kid,
I was probably really difficult.

I mean, I was... dramatic and weird.

- I...
- (scoffs)

I'm kidding. I...

My life is... practically perfect now.

You know, I'm just...
I'm a different person.

So, I really think this is
the version of Rebecca Bunch

he's gonna stick around for.

- (phone chimes)
- Ooh!

- Maybe that's him!
- Whoa.

(whoops, mumbles)

"Hey." Oh, he's typing.
He's still typing.

It's not just "hey,"
it's not just "hey."

He's still typing.
Bubbles, bubble, bubbles.

Okay, here we go.

"Love to see you today,
but have work calls.

So, no can do. See you
at rehearsal dinner."

Okay? Oh...

I'm sorry, babe.

What?

No, it's, it's fine.

It's okay. Look, he texted
me after... 17 minutes.

It's practically an instant.

And he's not going anywhere.

He's here for my wedding.

You know, he's not gonna abandon me.

Just like... you're not
gonna abandon me.

Of course I'm not abandoning you.

Right. I'm sorry, that was a...

weird thing to say.

No, I'm just... I'm excited.

I'm ex... I'm excited and happy

and content and excited.

Mmm.

- (sighs)
- (chuckles)

This is what happy feels like.

_

MAN: You look so pretty in that veil.

Oh, Robert.

I'm sorry, what?

What?

Uh, you just called me Robert.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

(smacks lips) You know what?

I'm sorry, I was thinking about work.

We have a-a new client named,

um...

Robert... Julia Roberts.

Yeah, she's a single mom

investigating water contamination.

Oh, yeah, a real spitfire.

Short skirts, nice smile,
a real pretty woman.

Anyway, sorry about
that. (chuckles anxiously)

(sighs)

(glass dinging)

DARRYL: Excuse me?

Excuse me, everyone.

First of all, Josh,

I just want to thank
you for including me

in your stag party.

I am just so excited.

And as Rebecca's boss

and mentor, and White
Josh's main squeeze,

I feel like I'm the marshmallow

that's holding together
this Rice Krispie Treat.

So, to get this party started,

I had gifts made!

Now look at 'em. It's your couple name.

ReJoshecca...

ChaBunch. (laughs)

We started with
something more complicated

and whittled it down.

Okay, everybody circle 'em up.

(Darryl whoops)

BRAH: Yeah.

There you go. All right.

Best of luck to the very lucky couple.

Yeah. Good luck.

Cheers.

Sorry. Cheers.

(exhales)

Hey, um... (clears throat)

Heard about your cool client.

- Hmm?
- Uh, the single mom

investigating water contamination.

Uh, spitfire, short skirts,

great smile, real pretty woman.

Rebecca was talking about her.

What? That's the plot
to Erin Brockovich.

Oh. Yeah.

That's what I call
Oscar-award-winning movies,

c-clients.

It's a code.

Cool. (chuckles)

(clears throat)

Uh, hey. Just wanted
to say cheers, Josh.

My mom is so excited about the wedding.

- Mm-hmm.
- Bought a great dress.

- Mmm.
- Burgundy A-line.

Very tasteful.

She's a winter.

Little snowflake.

Cool tones complement her skin.

- Uh, yeah, sure.
- Sure, okay.

- Sure. Okay.
- You guys are weird.

Okay. We're weird.

Hey. So what was that, uh,

comment under your
breath just a minute ago?

Oh. Dude.

I love Josh, but those
are the last two people

who should be getting married

to anyone, possibly ever.

I don't know, just not big

into marriage in general, you know that.

No. I don't know that.

That's not a thing that I know.

What? Oh, yeah, no.
It's just not my thing.

Most people end up getting divorced.

I mean, you got divorced.

I don't know. Having kids I get,

but... getting married just
makes no sense to me.

_

So God is okay with
you wearing that shirt?

Oh, yeah, dude. God gave me this shirt

when I joined the seminary.

That's dope.

Being a priest is dope.

You know,

I've always thought it was so cool

how you made the ultimate commitment

and married Jesus.

Hey. Did you worry before you did that?

Um, did Jesus ever give you any
reason to, like, have doubts?

No.

Man, that day I joined the
seminary in San Luis Obispo,

when Father Rodrigo
welcomed me with open arms,

I just, I felt at peace
with my decision, man.

I never questioned it.

- God, that's great.
- Yeah.

- That must have felt amazing.
- It did.

It really did, man.

It really balances out
the fact that I don't bone.

(laughs)

Do you know a Robert?

Like, anybody named Robert?

I personally don't know any Roberts.

Why?

Nothing. Just never mind.

♪ ♪

Okay. Rehearsal dinner.

Everyone's rehearsing for my life.

My dad will be here soon.

Oh. You look halfway decent, good.

Hey, B-T-dubs, I need
you to send me a song

for the father-daughter dance.

Uh, I'm sorry. Stop.

Uh, father-daughter... dance?

I get to dance with my dad?

Like, in front of everyone?

It's what people do.

Uh, okay. Getting married
just gets better and better,

'cause now I get to dance with my Daddy?

"Daddy"? Yuck.

You mean the Westchester Sperm Machine?

You know, every time you call him Daddy,

I get this... (coughs)

barfy ball of phlegm in
the back of my throat.

Okay. Just... Can you please?

It's my rehearsal dinner.

Right. Planned by your
fiance’s ex-girlfriend.

Brilliant.

VALENCIA: I am so good at my job.

Head coordinator for
assistant coordinator.

Um, I'm right next to you.

Tell the caterer these
need to be hand-buffed.

This is a special day,
not a freaking hootenanny.

♪ I'm dreaming of... ♪

- What?
- (doorbell rings)

Oh! Oh! Is that him? Is that him?

VALENCIA (whispers): Smile...

Welcome, everyone!

Help yourself to a refreshing cocktail.

The staff is circulating with ceviche.

I'm the wedding planner.
It's a long story, don't ask.

- Cringe-worthy.
- Hundred percent.

(sighs)

Yeah. How's it going?

Hi! It's great. You know,
it's funny, just 'cause, uh,

Waze said that my dad's drive
should only take six minutes.

Yeah. Hey, cookie, I just, um...

I mean, I know you're really
excited that your dad's here,

uh, but I just want to make sure

that you don't, like, expect
him to, all of a sudden,

be, like, a totally different person.

Because I had this
bookmark once, and it said

the best predictor of
the future is the past...

Hey. Thank you so much
for telling me that,

'cause I always...
I-I value your opinion,

and I cherish our friendship

more than anything, but, um...

you're so wrong. Like, you're just...

you're, you're wrong, so...

- (door closes)
- (gasps) Oh! Daddy!

Daddy! Daddy!

- (giggling)
- Oh. Ow.

(laughing): Hi!

- Oh. Hey...
- Hi!

Hey, Sweetie... Welcome!

- Thank you.
- (laughing): Hi.

- Thank you...
- Oh! I'm just so glad you're here.

Thank you.

Yeah. Yeah.

(laughs)

(coughs)

Phlegm ball.

(retches)

Sorry.

Ah... Oh! (laughs)

She's playing it so cool with him.

(laughing): Oh! Mm! Hey. Hi.

Yeah...

(laughter continues)

H-Hey...

Mm!

(giggles) Oh...

(Josh clears his throat) Oh!

Uh... Oh!

Oh! Josh, Dad.

Dad, Josh. Uh...

Can I get a picture of this moment?

Of, just, the two most important
men in my life, meeting?

Just get together. Get together.

Get together... And, one, two three.

Yay!

Look at you guys. By my
side, just, forever and ever.

JOSH (chuckles): It's nice
to finally meet you, sir.

Just... heard a lot about you.

- Well, it's all lies.
- (they chuckle)

Wow. That's a... very firm handshake.

It says a lot about a man.

JOSH: You know, I'd love to...

catch up with you later,
like, have a drink.

You know, you say some
stuff, I say some stuff.

I ask you questions, you answer them.

You mean a conversation?

- Yeah! Yeah. (laughs)
- JOSH: Exactly!

(laughing): Yeah.

Yeah. Well, Silas,

there you are.

And where's your beautiful wife,

and your ugly son?

(grunts)

(laughing): Sorry.

I forgot.

You're bitterly divorced again.

NAOMI: Oh... Dad.

Um... hey.

I have amazing news.

Um, okay. Three words.

Father-daughter dance.

I-I've been thinking about it,
and I was thinking we could get

a choreographer, and I have
some songs in mind. I... Maybe,

an acoustic guitar version of
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."

Or maybe "Kiss Me," by
Sixpence None the Richer.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

- But, like, in a father-dau...
- What about my mother- daughter dance?

You know how fast I pick up choreo.

Anyway, Dad.

What do you think?
It sounds like fun, right?

I would love to, Rebecca.

Thank you for asking.

Great.

Paula!

- Yeah?
- He said yes!

- (gasps) Yay!
- Yay!

- That's good for you!
- Yeah.

What's he doing here?

- What're you doing here?
- What?

Hey, Rebecca. You're
looking lovely-ish.

Your father invited me.

I did give him a private
plane ride, remember?

I do, and thank you for that.

I'm so glad I did that
nice thing for you.

So selfless of me.

It feels so good.

And it makes me like myself

even better, because of it.

You know, I mean, anybody could

buy a guy a plane ticket,

but to send a whole plane?

Hero is not too strong
a word, I don't think.

Oh. Oh. Josh and my dad are talking.

Ooh. I wonder if
they're talking about me?

Hero... oh!

I like saying that word.
I don't know what it is,

but I wear it well, and
it fits me like a cape.

Okay. I'm really glad that
you're somehow becoming nicer,

but it's also kind of boring, and shh!

Stop. I... Please, stop talking.

- So, you work in electronics.
- Yeah.

Assistant store room
manager. Yeah, so... uh...

Um, you know, Rebecca and
I were talking about Robert

- the other day...
- Who?

Robert. You know, from her... past?

Well, I can't say I remember him.

Oh, wait.

I do know that name.

I think he had something to do

with that whole Harvard
law school thing.

Harvard Law? N-No.
She went to Yale Law.

Yeah. She talks about it a lot.

Like, a lot. (chuckles)

She was supposed to
have gone to Harvard Law.

She got in, then something
happened and she went to Yale.

Anyway, that ceviche is not
going to swim its way out here.

- Let's go.
- Oh, oh...

W-Wait, uh... how does Robert work

into the whole Harvard/Yale thing?

I have no idea.

The only reason I know that name

is because I'm not
supposed to know that name.

Rebecca and her mother
kept a lot of stuff from me.

Now, I'm hungry, son. Want to join me?

Oh. No, thanks.

Go right on ahead.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Come on, let's go, kids. Yeah!

Here we go. Good
hustle. Lift those knees.

See those free throws!

You got it. You got it.

Hey, man. What's up with you?

You don't seem like your normal self.

Eh. I'm okay.

I'm just thinking about my wedding.

Sorry again, I didn't invite you.

Dude, I've known you for two weeks.

Okay, fine, I'll tell
you what's going on.

What seems to have happened is...

my fiancée has become a bit of an...

enigma.

That means mystery.

Thank you for that.

(laughs) Sorry. I don't know
what people know what words.

But, you know, I-it's
normal to feel like this

right before you get married, isn't it?

Isn't it normal?

What do you mean, "This is not normal?"

Don't all brides show up to
their wedding dance rehearsal

dressed like this?

Well, no...

but I love it.

- You two are such a handsome couple.
- Oh!

Oh, my God. He thinks we're a couple.

That's so funny. We're not a couple.

But he thinks we're a
couple. We're not a couple.

But that's so funny. He
thinks we're a couple!

We're not a couple.

- But he thinks we're a couple.
- No, no, no. I'm-I'm,

I'm the dad.

I'm sorry about that.

No. It's all right. It's fine.

Okay. Let's start moving together. Huh?

Okay. There you go.

Now, use the history
of your relationship

to inform the movement.

Tell me. What are some
of the favorite times

you've had together recently?

Recent... Um...

Well, we actually haven't
really seen each other

in four years, right. Yeah.

When he came to New York
to see The Lion King.

Well, that's a great memory.

I didn't go to The Lion King.

He actually went with
his new wife and son.

I wasn't really, I wasn't
technically invited.

But-but it's okay, because
people on stilts frighten me.

I'm so sorry about that.

Tucker was going through
a really tough time.

It's totally fine. And then
we got coffee afterwards.

It was such a great 20 minutes.

See? Dance heals.

Okay. I'm gonna go
pick out a song for you.

All right.

(sighs)

Well. This is nice.

I always hoped, someday,
we could reconnect.

You and I, adult to adult.

Really? I've wanted that, too.

Actually,

there's something I've wanted
to tell you since I got here.

But it's not easy to say.

You can say anything
you want to me, Dad.

I need to borrow some cash.

Sorry, what?

_

AKOPIAN: He asked you for
money for his son's braces?

I am so sorry.

That is not okay.

Your father is a
terribly negligent parent.

He disappears from your life,

you only hear from him sporadically

and now he wants money from you?

I'm very glad you called me.

Look, Rebecca.

Maybe some good can come from this.

Maybe now you can see that your
father's behavior in the past

has set a pattern for you,

seeking the love of men who
don't fully love you back,

men you have to pursue,

men who are taken or
emotionally unavailable,

like your father,

like Josh, like Greg,

like other men, I'm sure.

(exhales) Oh, Robert.

Rebecca. Hmm?

Uh...

You know how much I care about you.

- Mm-hmm.
- But...

I'm sorry, we can't
see each other anymore.

What? What are you talking about?

I'm sorry.

You said that we... We
were gonna get married,

and that you were gonna leave your wife,

and that's why I went to
the registrar's office today

and I dropped out of your class.

There's no conflict anymore,
and then I went to a drugstore

and I, and I got this cheap veil.

I tried, but I can't.

I-I just can't.

What? Robert...

No!

What just happened?

What?

Who is Robert?

You just yelled, "Robert, no."

What? No. I didn't.

Uh, yeah, you did.

And you're not aware.

That's called a dissociative episode.

Oh, my God! Do you hear yourself?

"That's called a dissociative episode."

And that's called copying me.

"And that's called copying me."

(sniffles, exhales) Wait.

What if my dad leaves
before the wedding?

I mean, he was kind of
upset when I didn't agree

to the loan right away. He can't leave.

He can't leave. I have to make him stay.

I-I have to find some
way to make him stay.

No! No, Rebecca! You
can't make him do anything!

Rebecca, wait! Please!

Well, that was a good eight minutes.

We're really getting there.

♪ ♪

(humming)

(muffled yell)

(laughing): Oh God, you startled me.

Popping up out of nowhere.

(chuckles)

Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.

Hey, Naomi, who's Robert?

What did you just say?

- Rebecca mentioned a Robert...
- Robert.

He was our dog. (sniffs)

I named him after Redford.

Rebecca loved him.

And then he got those lumps
that dogs sometimes get,

and (clacks tongue) curtains.

Oh. I would not

mention him to Rebecca.

Makes her upset.

Okay.

But what does that have to
do with Harvard Law School?

What has gotten into you today?

I just... Josh,

Rebecca does not need this right now.

She's madly in love with you.

And the one thing that she does not need

is an indecisive kid with the jitters.

So forget it.

Apology accepted.

(knocking)

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm barging in, I'm sorry.

Um, I just got back from the
drugstore, and I have to...

tell you something. So, here are...

14 Father's Day cards, from
all of the ones that I missed.

Chocolates, shaving kit,

a ♪1 Dad mug.

Huh? Um...

I'm sorry that I am the way I am.

Okay? I'm sorry that I was a needy kid,

who pressured you and drove you away.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of it. So,

here is a check for Tucker. Take it.

I'm sorry I even hesitated.
It doesn't matter.

It shouldn't matter. All that matters is

that I want you in my
life, so please don't go.

If you were thinking about
going, please don't go.

Wow, that sounded so needy. Dad...

please stay

and... maybe...

walk me down the aisle?

Honey, of course, I'll stay.

And of course I'll
walk you down the aisle.

And-and thank you for all these gifts.

They-they really mean a lot.

Now, can we just forget about
anything bad between us, ever,

and... start over?

Okay? Yeah.

Let's just forget about the past, okay?

MAN: Rebecca Bunch's past, please?

This Rebecca Bunch,

- a friend of yours?
- No.

I'm in love with her, and
I just needed some dirt

so that I can break up her wedding.

And that's why I'm bribing you.

And now I need to get back on a
plane and go back to California

so I can stop her
boyfriend from marrying her.

You got a devious
smile, do you know that?

I get that a lot.

Thank you.

Okay, honey! So, we'll
see you at the wedding!

Valencia, are you sure
I can't just give Josh

one more smooch before we go?

No. I'm not happy about you two
even hearing each other today.

It's bad luck.

Oh, there's no such
thing as bad luck today.

Okay, chop, chop.

Come on. Josh,

I installed that traffic
app on your phone!

If you're even one minute late,

I will murder your entire family!

She's kidding! I think. I don't know.

Okay, honey!

I love you! I'll see you there!

Oh, I'm so happy. Josh is so happy.

Today is such a happy day!

(giggles)

(muffled laugh)

(soft whirring)

(door opens)

Hey. You ready to go?
We should get rolling.

You know how it is getting to the beach.

Two hours, four hours
in traffic, six hours

in the rain. What's happening
with your torso, man?

That is some seriously mopey massaging.

I just have a lot on my mind.

- (beep)
- I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Okay, I-I can't actually
talk to you while your...

chest is twerking, so would you mind

stopping that?

(beep)

Thanks.

What's up, Josh?

I have questions about Rebecca,

and I don't know if
they're real questions

- or I have the jitters.
- Okay.

Well, maybe you should talk to Rebecca.

No. She'd be upset. She's so happy.

Yeah, but, Josh, if you have problems,

she's the one you're gonna
want to face them with, right?

She's the one you chose.

- But I don't want to hurt her.
- You know,

I'm proud of you, Josh. I mean,
usually, when you get upset,

you run to the nearest pretty girl,

like... Ben Affleck runs
to the nearest role

with a Boston accent.

I do?

He does?

Yeah, you do.

And he does.

It's a thing. We're
gonna talk about it later.

The point is your thing
is you find a pretty girl

and you-you imagine that being with her

is gonna solve all your problems.

But, right now, you're
not doing that, man.

You're sitting here,
you're thinking it through.

So find Rebecca.

Ask her your questions.

Okay.

Thank you. You're right.

Very wise.

I will do that.

(exhales)

(gulls calling)

♪ ♪

♪ Well, Rebecca ♪

♪ You've done it now ♪

♪ You've gotten everything
you ever wanted ♪

♪ So take a moment
and take a breath ♪

♪ After today, you'll start fresh ♪

♪ And finally I'll be ♪

♪ The hero of my own story ♪

♪ The princess in the tale ♪

♪ In an unexpected twist ♪

♪ It turns out magic exists ♪

♪ I feel it in my
dress and in my veil ♪

♪ Daddy's little girl ♪

♪ Princess of his world ♪

♪ That was never
something I knew before ♪

♪ But now that I'm a bride ♪

♪ He'll look at me with pride ♪

♪ 'Cause my daddy will love me ♪

♪ And then, in a wonderful way ♪

♪ Everything in the past
will just fall away ♪

♪ My daddy will love me ♪

♪ And my mommy will love me ♪

♪ And Josh will love me and then ♪

♪ I'll never have problems ♪

♪ Again. ♪

(gulls calling)

(scoffs) It's fine. It's all fine.

I will talk to Rebecca.
It will all be fine.

I'm sure Robert and all
that stuff is nothing.

You're driving yourself
crazy for no reason.

(scoffs)

Yeah.

(exhales)

Hello, Joshua.

It's me, Trent.

Yeah, I know who you are.

I just wanted to drop off a
little wedding present for you.

It took me a while to find a
big enough "top secret" stamp

at the craft store.

Here you go.

Does this have anything to do with...

(clears throat) Robert

and Harvard Law School
and Yale Law School?

Maybe?

Totally.

What do I do? I-I know

there's something bad
in here. I just know it.

Hey, hey, hey, calm down.

That envelope was given to
you by her crazy ex-boyfriend.

Stop freaking out. Just go to Rebecca,

talk to her, and get married.

Everything's gonna be okay, silly.

- You promise?
- Yes, I promise.

God, you're so calming.

(chuckles)

I-I feel like if I could
just stay here, in this gym,

with you, all my problems
would magically be fixed.

Oh, my God.

I'm doing it.

I'm doing the thing
Father Brah says I do.

What thing?

The-the thing that I do.

Sara, I-I have to go. Can you
stop being pretty for a second?

Oh, my God.

What am I gonna do?

(indistinct chatter)

Ugh. (squeals)

Remember that night, at Beans' party?

Oh, my God.

You swore you would help
me find my way to Josh.

You believed in it then
even more than I did.

(chuckles) Oh, I used to think

you and Josh were written
in the stars, and...

all right, you know, then
I realized that was...

more for me than you. I
needed that fantasy then.

But now...

oh, I'm so proud of you.

Thank you, Mama. (giggles)

- Aw.
- (sighs)

NAOMI: Ugh.

I thought you'd have
someone here to do a blowout.

I've got ocean hair.

You really cheaped out, Rebecca.

- Well, at least she's consistent.
- Mm.

- Right?
- Mm-hmm.

(indistinct chatter)

I can't wait to see
Madison be the flower girl.

How cute is this?

Don't ask me. I'm just a dumb
cowboy who likes weddings.

Okay, Darryl, first of all,

you're not a cowboy.

Also, I don't want to
spend this entire wedding

arguing about the concept of matrimony.

Can we just not, please?

(sighs) Okay.

Okay. Good.

Let's go join Madison
in the mocktail line.

(chuckles)

Hey, Hector and Hector's mom.

I really enjoy the podcast you
guys do, Dating for All Ages.

Really toes the line
between creepy and sweet.

Thank you, honey.

I'm gonna make sure the
DJ has our songs for later

when we rip it up.

(whoops) Hey.

You should see her when
they play "Brick House."

She's a mighty, mighty.

- Huh? Huh?
- (chuckles)

Oh, would you excuse me for a second?

What's up?

Josh should be here any second.

Could you meet him in the parking lot?

Copy that. Also, I can
see you and hear you.

Just do what I tell you to do.

HEATHER: Okay.

Um, sorry, I'll be right back.

We should have her over for dinner.

I think so.

Okay, here's what you're gonna do.

You're gonna run a fly route
straight down the aisle.

You're gonna keep your eyes on
me. When I give you the signal,

in curl, over your left shoulder.

Show us that adorable face.

- I'm gonna walk in a straight line.
- Mm.

I'm gonna throw flower
petals everywhere.

- Mm.
- I'm gonna be cute.

Okay, well...

Yeah, that works.

Just like that.

Student becomes the master.

You look adorable. Great.
Oh, you know, do you?

VALENCIA: Has the eagle landed?

Uh, beg pardon?

Josh, the eagle? What's his 20?

Okay, "Where is he?" has fewer
syllables than, "What's his 20?"

Just saying.

Oh, Josh is here.

I mean, the eagle has landed
at something hundred hours,

I don't know army time.

He's pulling in right this second.

Great. Get him to the
groom's suite, ASAP.

Eagle is approaching.

Eagle doesn't look that great.

Hey, Josh.

Okay, Eagle's not responding.

Eagle is not stopping.

And Eagle is gone.

Shouldn't we be starting by now?

Yeah, I think so.

Can you see what's going on?

'Cause everyone's here, right?

Yes, no, absolutely.

On it.

♪ ♪

_

What's going on? What's wrong?

Uh, there's been a
very, very slight delay.

HEATHER: But don't worry.

Father Brah is talking to Josh,

so it should all be just fine.

What?

WHITE JOSH: Something's wrong.

I have a bad feeling.

And I have a great feeling.

What? What are you talking about?

Oh, watching you and Madison together,

I had a big breakthrough.

You're right. We don't
need to get married.

Great. Glad to hear that.

We should have a baby.

What's that?

Hey, gang.

- Is he dead? Tell me that he's dead.
- Get him on the phone.

Yeah. I've called him five
million times, but he won't answer.

That's... okay. I will kill him.

Just what's going on? Where is he?

Just spit it out.

Yeah, uh, uh, well...

(Heather screaming)

Sorry, I'm just so shocked
about this whole thing.

What do you mean Josh is
not coming to the wedding?!

Yeah, uh, hold on, let me just finish.

I, uh, I-I just got
off the phone with Josh.

The phone?! Where is he? Where is he?

It's another girl, isn't it?
Did he run off with someone else?

That is so Josh.

Oh, my God, it is.

It's-it's that pretty
girl... it's the coach.

It's that other coach
he was working with.

That's-That's her, right?

(whispering): I will kill him.

I will take his husky
limbs into my hands

and I will rip them apart!

Okay, uh, Josh is with someone else.

- (gasps) Oh, my God.
- But-but it's not what you think.

♪ ♪

Father Rodrigo.

I got the call and
I'm here to answer it.

I want the cool T-shirt.

Tell God I'm usually a size large.

I want to become...

A priest?!

Josh is leaving me...

to become...

a priest?

Yeah, dude.

Oh, okay. Okay.

- Just sit.
- Rebecca, grab me.

Come over here. Grab my hands.

- I'm sure...
- All right, just breathe.

You just need to breathe. In through
the nose, out through the mouth.

(fading): Don't forget...

(fading): He's just freaking out.

Nobody wants... he doesn't
want to be a priest.

He likes women way too much.

He could never give up sex
and be a priest, it's...

(shouts)

Wa-wait!

PAULA: Rebecca! Stop!

Where are you go... ?

Stop!

Oh, my gosh.

I guess Josh isn't
marrying this girl, either.

100% not.

Rebecca.

Rebecca. Wait!

Cookie, stop!

Stop. Okay.

Okay. Look, I'm...
I'm right here, honey.

Just-Just turn around.

Okay? Just step back. Okay?

Why do they all leave?

Every man I've ever loved, they leave.

Josh, my father...

and Greg...

and Robert!

Who the Dickens is Robert?

Okay.

Okay, you know what,
let's just, let's sit down,

and let's talk about it.

No! No, just... don't-don't
come close to me.

- Okay?
- Just nobody...

just don't take one step closer.

(breathing heavily)

(echoing): Honey, are you okay?

What's going on? Can
you look-look at me?

Come on, stay with me. Stay with me.

(echoing): Stay with me.

What's happening? Rebecca?

REBECCA (echoing): They all leave.

HEATHER: Who the Dickens is Robert?

REBECCA: What? Robert? No.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Robert, Robert, you...
no, you can't leave me.

You can't leave me. We're
meant to be. I love you.

I love you.

It's over.

- Let yourself out.
- Robert.

Hey, no, Robert!

(panting)

(grunts, sighs)

MAN: Three counts of attempted arson.

NAOMI: Your Honor,

she's just a girl in love.

She can't be held
responsible for her actions.

I am granting Professor
Donnelly's request

for a restraining order.

No. But I'm going to Harvard Law.

Not anymore. Furthermore,

I will strike the conviction from

your record only if you agree

to get appropriate
mental health, Ms. Bunch.

But I don't need help.

I have no underlying issues to address.

- What's with this one?
- She sings

to herself all day.

No one knows why.

(panting)

Oh, no, no, no!

Okay.

- Okay. Okay.
- (groans softly)

Okay. Okay.

(panting)

It's my fault.

It's my fault they don't love me.

Oh, no, no, no, stop.
Stop it. You hear me?

This is not your fault.
You have done nothing wrong.

Josh is the one to
blame. All these men...

They are all the ones to blame,

including Robert, who-whoever that is,

and starting with your garbage father

who left you.

SILAS: Okay, that's it.

I've had enough of this.

I don't need to stand
around and be insulted.

I'm out of here.

Good.

Good.

You should go.

Go.

Just take your check
and get out of here.

I never want to see you again.

Fine.

You're crazy.

Little bit.

Where's your plane?

(laughing): Oh, yeah, right.

Have fun flying coach, dick.

Okay, listen, we are
gonna make Josh pay,

I promise you. I will help you.

We'll TP his house, we'll hack
his Facebook, we'll key his car.

No, no, no, we can't
do any of those things.

Why not?

Because they're not enough.

Because Josh Chan must be destroyed.

What did you have in mind?