Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - My First Thanksgiving with Josh! - full transcript

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

- This is Valencia. My girlfriend.
- Hi.

And exhale on an "ah..."
Hey, do you want to go grab,

- like, a coffee with me?
- Why would you want to do that?

Look, I get what
you're doing with this girl.

You befriend the enemy and you
get more face time with Josh.

I'm so glad you moved here, Becks.

I don't know what you're trying to do,

or why you pretended to be my friend,

but stay away from me

and my Josh.



I am attracted to you.

Very,

very attracted to you.

So he said "attracted,"

but then he paused,

and he said "very attracted."

You mentioned that. Okay, I mentioned it

because it's the "very," alright?

That's the wild card.

"Very" is a very important
word in this, right?

Think about it. You guys have
a drink called Very Berry Blast.

I mean... I'm assuming

that the "very" means something. Right?

Uh, we don't name 'em. They
just come from corporate.



Okay, but that's-that's just beside...

beside the point.

Maybe Josh was just trying to be nice,

like kind of...

blowing you off?

What?

No, no.

Come on... no.

You do talk about him a lot.

What is the history with you two?

♪ I was working hard
at a New York job ♪

♪ Making dough but it made me blue ♪

♪ One day I was crying a lot ♪

♪ And so I decided to move ♪

♪ To West Covina, California ♪

♪ Brand-new pals and new career ♪

♪ It happens to be where Josh lives ♪

♪ But that's not why I'm here ♪

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend
♪ What? No, I'm not.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

That's a sexist term.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?

♪ She's so broken inside ♪

The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.

♪ C-R-A-Z-Y ♪

Okay! We get it!

Look, maybe the reason
I haven't heard from Josh

is what he said.

It's that he's very attracted to me.

You know, it's like...

like, even if our arms brush,

he gets a little tingle down there.

- Hi, Becks!
- Ohhhh

Hey, hey, man.

Wow, I haven't

seen you, uh, in what, four days?

Yeah, I'm very sorry.

Very?

I've been very M.I.A.

With the holidays, I'm very slammed.

There is very much traffic today.

That's funny.

So "very" is just your go-to adverb.

That's...

Uh... uh, nothing.

So you were saying?

Yeah, we host Thanksgiving at our house

and we got cousins and
aunts and uncles pouring in

from Temecula, Glendale, San Mateo...

- Oh, wow.
- Oh, Rancho Cucamonga,

Stockton, Pismo Beach,

Solvang, Victorville...

How about you?

Well, I'm just gonna... I forgot the M's.

Uh, Modesto, Monrovia,

Mendocino, and that's it.

What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Oh, bleh...

I just go to the East Coast,
to Scarsdale with my mom

and we watch the World Dog Awards.

Oh! And?

We just roll some
Craisins in turkey slices,

make little logs,

- and body-shame some puppies.
- Cool!

Most important thing, I guess,

is that you'll be with family.

You know, where you belong.

Yeah.

Yeah, where I...

where I belong.

And I put the boba on
the side for Aunt Dhori.

We know she likes to
pop 'em with her hand.

Thanks, guys. Have the best
Thanksgiving, Becks.

Give your mother my very best.

See you guys!

- Have a good one.
- Peace!

Very peace!

Okay, everybody ready?

- Say "cheese."
- Cheese.

That's good.

Everyone belongs somewhere but me.

That's silly, honey.

You've got family back home in New York.

I mean, not really.

My dad bailed, my mom's a misery,

I ate my twin in the womb.

I really don't want to
go home for the holiday.

It's the last place I want to be.

Like I said, you are more than welcome

to my apocalypse of a Thanksgiving.

Yeah... I mean, pull up a chair

and enjoy Scott's racist uncle.

You ate your twin?

I mean, medically
speaking, I didn't "eat" it,

I just metabolized its
body parts for my own use.

Why don't you ask Josh if you can go

to his house for Thanksgiving?

He said he's "very attracted" to you,

and we know what that means.

Oh, God, don't even get me started.

I don't even know what that means anymore.

I do.

A guy says something like that,

it means his current relationship

is about ready to bite the dust.

He's putting out feelers.

If you could go to his
house for the holiday...

I mean, would I like to go to the Chan's?

Would I like to be surrounded

by the unconditional love
of a hundred Filipinos?

Of course I would.

Tell us the story!

The library book story! Again?

Well, no, I couldn't possibly.

Library book story!

Library book story!

Library book story! Library book story!

Please, Miss Rebecca, just one more time.

The library book story.

But you know it by heart by now.

Well, all right.

But if Josh was going to invite me,

he would've asked and he didn't,

so just drop it.

Why do you always give up so easily?

Do you think Angelina
went into Mr. & Mrs. Smith

with that kind of attitude?

If she had, no Shiloh,

no Maddox, no Vivienne...

Who do you think belongs next to him

and that turkey on Thursday?

You or Venezuela?

You know what? Thanksgiving
is a beautiful family holiday.

Not gonna let you ruin
it with your scheming.

Okay, okay... Let's put it this way.

Say a giant boulder ran
over Josh's girlfriend

and she was out of the picture.

How would you feel?

I mean, I'd feel terrible!

Okay? A boulder would decimate her

and her guts would be everywhere.

Okay, wow.

Rebecca,

you are getting close to Josh.

I can feel it.

And if you could just get
into that turkey dinner,

you would be set.

It's the holidays, Paula.

People don't always get what they want.

Mr. Kincaid, you shouldn't have.

Oh, you didn't.

You never do.

Lynne, I think that's enough.

I can't have you passing
out in the bleachers again.

You don't tell me what to do.

Okay. Great.

Good luck with that.

Greg! Greg!

Did you know that for Thanksgiving

Chris' family makes tamales?

I love it!

It's an update on the corn theme.

You're just full of fascinating facts.

Okay, Mr. Grumpy, I thought
we were friends again.

Give me that smile.

There it is. Yeah.

So what are you doing for
Thanksgiving? Anything special?

Yep.

This year everything is gonna be different.

Savor that, because that's the last
drink I'm ever gonna make you.

Yep, that's right.

I am quitting this crappy job.

As soon as this shift ends.

I can't wait to walk in and
tell my boss to shove it.

It's gonna be all Jerry Maguire

mixed in with a little Norma Rae.

Oh, yeah. Someone stole a Netflix password.

Yeah, I finally saved up enough money

to move out and to go to business school.

I just have to find a
nurse for my dad first.

Wow. Wait, business school?

This is great. This is what you wanted.

Yep. My dad's not gonna
be happy I'm moving out,

but I figure I tell him
over Thanksgiving dinner,

then we'll patch things up

over buffalo mozzarella and prosciutto,

just like they did in
the first Thanksgiving.

Wait. Really?

I go to public school.

Obviously.

This is great.

This is... everything you wanted.

You're moving on.

It's awesome, you deserve it.

I'm gonna miss you.

Can I buy you a drink before you move?

What's the catch?

No catch. It's a free drink. You in or out?

In. Hey, V.

Hey, Greg. What brings you by?

Oh, just picking Elena up from softball.

Hey, Valencia.

Hey, V-ster.
V-dog?

VW? VW Bus?

What-what are your plans
for Thanksgiving, Valencia?

Bye, Greg.

Bye, Valencia!

I like your sleeveless
crocheted trench coat!

Wow.

You guys have such a great rapport.

Yeah, she doesn't like me so much.

No, she doesn't like you a lot.

But to be fair,

she's probably in a bad mood

because it's Thanksgiving.

She goes to Josh's house,
and it's tough for her.

What, to bask in the warm embrace

of a loving Filipino
family? Why is that tough?

You don't know?

The Chan's don't like Valencia.

Because Asians don't like dumb people.

Chris!

So mildly racist.

It's a problem.

Every time Valencia has
to hang with the Chan's,

she and Josh almost break up.

I had no idea.

Poor Josh.

Poor Valencia, too.

I can't get over it.

Poor Josh. Poor Valencia.

It must be awful to go
to your boyfriend's house

and just not feel like you belong.

Yeah, it's really unfortunate.

I've never been to this place.

There's a lot of bok choy

and live fish with whiskers.

And all the Asians.

What are you up to?

Don't you understand

that the tension between
Valencia and the Chan’s,

that's your in, that's your boulder.

You are gonna crush her little bird bones.

What's going on? What am I doing here?

You are a parent's dream.

And as soon as Josh's
parents get a look at you,

they're going to fall in love.

And he will follow.

Okay... but how are they
going to get a look at me?

I don't exactly see them around anywhere...

Mrs. Chan.

Oh, I get it.

- I see what you did there
- Yep.

Should've seen that coming.

The boss is back. Look busy.

Hey, Kevin.

- Can I talk to you for a sec?
- Sure, what's up?

I'll tell you what's up.

What's up is that every
day I work in this bar,

I feel like I am eating a
sandwich of bile and tears.

- Ugh.
- Shh. Please.

I have a thing prepared.

I'm here to tell you

that I've reached the Rubicon,

my own personal tipping point...

Nice line.

You write that?

Wait, are you quitting?

Good for you!

Kevin, please. I gotta get this out.

I quit this bar!

Yeah, I just said that.

I quit making blended
drinks for bad tippers.

I quit using a cash register
that spells mojito with an "H."

I quit your terrible breath.

Appreciate the feedback.

I had a dental procedure.
I really should irrigate

more frequently. Kevin,
you're ruining this for me.

Wait, are you going
back to business school?!

This is fantastic!

I always wondered when you were gonna!

You're too good for this place.

Now, bring it here.

What...?

Now, you, get out of here!

How did you know she was here?

It's best if I don't share that with you.

Come on, let's go talk to her.

No, I don't want to talk to her.
This is embarrassing.

Paula, come on. I don't want to
make an ass of myself... oh, oh!

I'm so sorry, Mrs. Chan.

Oh, hello.

Hi, Mrs. Chan.

I don't know if you remember me.

I'm Rebecca Bunch.

I went to camp with your son Josh

like ten-ish years ago.

Oh, of course!

You two had that adorable little romance!

Right, I called the house a couple times.

Left a couple funny messages.

How have you been?

I've been so grea... great.

How has she been?!

Harvard undergrad, Yale law, 1550 SATs,

winner NCAJ Mock Trial Championships.

Oh, that is all very,

uh, impressive.

Isn't it?

Hi. Paula, coworker, confidant.

Rebecca, welcome to town.

You should join us for dinner sometime.

That's so sweet of you. I would love that.

What about tomorrow?

Paula, no, that's Thanksgiving.

And you have nowhere to go.

You poor thing.

She saw her parents
murdered in front of her...

in an alley... in Gotham.

Oh, dear.

Just like Batman.

Yes.

So Paula's...
I'm sorry.

Paula's joking.

My parents aren't dead.

They're just abandoning and frigid, so...

I see.

That's also very terrible.

- Exactly.
- Uh, guess so.

I mean, I would ask
her to come to my house,

but we're going to Paris.

'Cause that's where we autumn.

It's like wintering but cheaper.

Aw, Rebecca!

You shouldn't be alone on Thanksgiving.

Why don't you come over and
spend the holiday with us?

Josh will be so thrilled.

Oh... um...

I would love that.

Yeah.

That's so generous of you.

I would be honored.

What can I bring?

Oh, just bring your appetite, my dear.

See you tomorrow.

Okay, thank you so much again. Bye.

Bye!

Whoa! Whoa!

I'm actually going to...
Wait... a real Thanksgiving

- with a real family?!
- I know.

Wait, oh, no, wait.

What's Josh gonna think

when I just show up to his house randomly?

Yeah, we're gonna find out in a second.

She's texting him right now.

_

You're an evil genius.

Uh-huh, yeah.

You're welcome.

Welcome to the fam-bam.

Dad, what is this...
A heart-attack buffet?

Get off my ass, Greg. It's a holiday.

I'm enjoying the things
that make life worthwhile.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's
for Sinatra and Tormé.

By all means, serve the
high-end food to your macaws.

It's not enough that you
let them crap in the shower.

I'm training them.

Dad, all I'm saying is, if you're gonna go

through the trouble to train them,

train them to use the toilet.

Oh, that's a good
idea... they're birds.

Maybe I should train
them to wipe their ass.

Do you need the oxygen tank?

No, no, no, no. Stop it.

Why you bothering me?

Isn't there some girl you
could be trying to bang?

Oh, what about that, that
crazy girl you met at the party?

The one from the taco festival?

Why do I tell you anything?

Oh, right, I was drunk.

That girl's not for me, Dad.

- Trust me, Dad, listen.
- Sure.

Listen to me.

There's something I want
to talk to you about.

Some, um, changes I want to make.

Me, too.

I'm thinking about a third macaw.

I'm thinking Bennett for Tony Bennett.

Oh, so serious.

What is it?

Tell me.

I'll get the tank.

Yep, yep... ah.

So you want to speak Tagalog,

the mother tongue of the Philippines.

Let's start with "Hello."

Mabuhay... say it with me.

Mabuhay.

"Nice to meet you."

Natutwa akong makilala kayo.

Okay, I know I'm forgetting something.

Whoa! Ooh!

_

_

No, okay.

_

_

Heya!

Whew, something smells weird in here.

Oh, uh, well, it's a Filipino dish

called dinuguan... it consists
of pork cooked in pork's blood.

Do you want to try some?

Uh, thanks, but I think

I'm all full up from the wonderful smell.

You know what? That's just

your culturally insensitive
taste buds talking.

Okay, I can only stay for a second.

I'm making pies for people that I hate.

Which is mixed emotions
for me, because I like pie.

Okay.

As discussed, here it is.

This brooch contains a small
video camera and microphone.

It's exactly like the teddy bear nanny cam

that we used in the Gatwick
divorce, but with audio.

No... So it will transmit everything

you see and hear directly
to an app on my phone,

so I will not miss any of your triumph.

This isn't weird, right? Is it weird?

No.

Okay, cool.

I got to go, but I cannot wait

to watch you push Valderrama
out of the picture.

♪ ♪

♪ I give good parent ♪

♪ She gives good parent ♪

♪ I give good parent ♪

♪ She gives real good parent ♪

♪ I give good parent ♪

♪ She gives good parent ♪

♪ To parents like me ♪

♪ I was born gifted, been blessed ♪

♪ Din-din guest
for the win... yes ♪

♪ When I pull up, gym test ♪

♪ Prepare for your
parents to be impressed ♪

♪ I present proper like a TED talker ♪

♪ Got your current chick
lookin' like Greg Focker ♪

♪ I'm here to conquer,
I've come to slaughter ♪

♪ These dads and moms is
my sons and daughters ♪

♪ Skilled seductress, I
will kill and crush this ♪

♪ This is my business and
I'm built for success ♪

♪ Expect to witness
a familial love fest ♪

♪ Valencia, you're
zip, zilch and bupkis ♪

♪ I give good parent ♪

♪ She gives good parent ♪

♪ I give good parent ♪

♪ She gives real good parent ♪

♪ I give good parent ♪

♪ She gives good parent ♪

♪ To parents like me ♪

♪ Brought a nice red, so
when I come in the place ♪

♪ I already got 'em
heated up under the waist ♪

♪ Your home's such a
beautiful, comfortable space ♪

♪ Bitches, you two
have wonderful taste ♪

♪ Sit down at the table
and I'm murdering ♪

♪ Inquiring what line
of work they're in ♪

♪ Making faces like
I'm crazed erotically ♪

♪ Wait, my uncle is in radiology ♪

♪ Every dish is
delicious, Michelin Star ♪

♪ Please pass the arroz
like I passed the bar ♪

♪ An attorney? ♪
♪ Yale
law, Harvard undergrad ♪

♪ Got the Chan fam damp
in their underpants ♪

♪ Dad tells jokes, I
squeal in amusement ♪

♪ I agree that Neil
Diamond is real music ♪

♪ Gonna suck up and kiss
ass till I have 'em eatin' ♪

♪ Outta this hand like
they're eatin' this what? ♪

♪ I'm DTF, but understand me ♪

♪ It means I'm dazzling the family ♪

♪ Like an anaconda,
bitch, I'm immense ♪

♪ And you a common wench,
so grovel, Valence ♪

♪ Boss-ass bitch, no one's above me ♪

♪ End of the night,
they line up to hug me ♪

♪ Oh, my gosh, this was so lovely ♪

♪ To be clear, your parents
want to have sex with me ♪

♪ I give good parent ♪

♪ She gives good parent ♪

♪ I give good parent ♪

♪ To parents like me. ♪

So I open up the chest in the attic,

and there it is!

Let's just say that was
one very late library book.

Oh, my God, your sisters love that story.

Yeah, up top, Jayma. Yeah!

Up top, Jastenity.

Okay.

Whoa.

My dad never smiles.

You almost got one there.

So, um, how did

your Thanksgiving food plan work out?

I noticed that you had
a lot of the dinuguan.

Yeah, it looked so good this year,

I nixed the yams with the marshmallows.

Interesting. Uh,
fun fact... I made it.

No. No, you did not.

- Yeah.
- Get out of here.

Are you sure you're not Filipino?

I wish, I wish I could
be from your country.

I can only be so lucky.

Oh, Rebecca.

It's wonderful that
you are such a bookworm.

Ah, we have something in common.

I am in a very interesting book club.

I love books and clubs.

Two of my favorite things.

You should join.

We would love to have
a young person like you.

Oh, yeah. I would love to go

to your book club, too, Mrs. Chan.

I actually just read a book.

It's about journaling.

Lea Michele wrote it.

Lots of blank pages.

So it's basically a journal.

Uh-huh, I see.

Would you like more turkey, Rebecca?

Ma, you promised to be
nicer to Valencia this year.

What?

What you watching?

Your soap?

Yeah, my soap opera.

I knew it.

I remember you liked that.

All of My Days or something like that?

That's the, that's the one.

All right, Dad, let me get this out.

Listen, I love living with you...

Dad?

Dad? Damn it!

We've been here before.

He needs one in the small of his back.

Otherwise, the farts have nowhere to go.

Here, I can do it.

Oh, thanks, Greg.

I don't like a hot butt.

Nobody does, Dad.

Um, may I speak with you
privately, Mr. Serrano?

So we were able to stabilize him,

but we have a couple of concerns.

One, his oxygen levels are too low,

so we need to run some more tests.

And two... your dad keeps
asking me to go outside

and have a cigarette and
some whiskey with him.

- Mm.
- Not okay.

In a lot of ways.

Cathy, the menthols?

I'm sorry he still smokes...

and drinks and literally eats lard.

He doesn't listen to me, he never has.

Well, that's not the problem...
I mean, it is a problem...

It's just that his emphysema has progressed

from a stage one to a stage two,

which means we need to change the protocol,

add some medications.

Okay.

The thing is, our best treatment options

aren't covered by your insurance.

So if you'd like to proceed,
I'll need your approval.

How much is it going...?

Whoa, how am I supposed to pay for that?

Here you go, I'll take that.

And I will take that, sir.

Sit, sit, sit.

Honestly, I just want some private time

so I can lick all these plates myself.

Too gross or too honest? Take a vote, BRB.

Oh, honey, well, look at that.

You've barely eaten anything.

You must be starving.

Of course I'm starving.

I've been starving since 1998.

You know what, that is
the media telling you

what your body should be,
and it just gets my goat...

Oh, cut the crap.

I see what you're doing,
sucking up to Josh's parents.

Well, it's not gonna work.

Parents may love brown-nosers,
but men, like Josh, love me.

You are out of your depth.

You don't understand our relationship,

and you don't understand Josh.

We have history.

We have chemistry.

Well, that's a lot of academic subjects.

You think he's gonna find you sexy

when you're spending all
day shopping with his mom

for visors?

Ooh, girl, hang in there.

Oh, honey.

You're having a tough day.

I get it, the holidays can be stressful.

Can I get you anything?

Maybe a hot cup of arroz caldo?

I don't need chicken soup, thank you.

Chicken soup is just hot melted fat water.

You don't belong here...
This is not your family.

And good luck digesting
all that gross food.

That's culturally insensitive.

Time for the family photo.

Don't belong here? That's ridiculous.

Smile!

Hey, Kevin.

Listen, um...

I said a lot of regrettable
things yesterday,

and I wanted you to know I'm sorry.

You were only saying
what others were thinking.

Thank you.

I got a tongue scraper.

Things are looking hhhheeexxxcellent.

That's terrific.

- It's minty.
- Yeah.

You want your job back, don't you?

I do.

You think that's the first
Netflix quit I've seen?

Had a busboy do the entire
Peter Finch speech from Network.

Shouted out of a window and everything.

Oh, it was Javier.

Welcome back, Greg.

"I'm mad as hell, and I'm
not gonna take it anymore!"

Oh, it was great.

You should have been there.

Ah, they all come back.

Greg, you want your job back, it's yours.

Ah. Ooh.

Ah, ah.

I forgot how much fun it
was here... I missed that.

- Yeah.
- Um, listen, I really appreciate this,

but I don't want to work
today, it's Thanksgiving,

and I have seniority, I can pick my shifts.

Had seniority.

So sorry.

Oh, and, uh...

the toilets are clogged.

Who flushes a jump rope?

So sorry.

Aunt Dhori, I insist

that you call me.

I think we have a case here, I really do.

Listen, if the frozen dinner box says

that there are five shrimp,
there should be five, not four.

Yeah, totally.

Okay.

Call me, yeah.

Rebecca, thank you so
much for coming today.

We are so thankful God sent you to us.

Oh...

"God sent you to us."

Aw, that's nice, Paula.

Thought you hated me.

I do.

Everyone hates you.

You're racist.

Well, um, thanks again for everything.

I guess I should really go.

Yeah, you really should.

- Valencia.
- What? She wants to go.

Well, good-bye.

Bye, Jayma. Bye, Jastenity.

Wait, Rebecca.

Would you join our family for mass?

We'd love to have you.

Um, she's Jewish.

I would be so honored,
Mrs. Chan, thank you.

Wow, can I just say,

you have made me feel like I truly belong.

Oh, of course you do.

Great, I'll also join for mass

because I actually believe in Jesus.

Knock yourself out.

It's a public place of worship.

Uh, where is your powder
room really quickly?

Oh, it's just down the hall, sweetie.

Okay... thank you.

I'll be right...

Thanks.

Hey. Hey, Paula.

Hey, cookie, you are crushing it!

Yeah, I know, it's going so well.

Okay, listen.

I have to go to the bathroom,

but I will call you...

Wait-wait, wait-wait,
wait, hold on.

Hold on. Hold it, somebody's here.

Oh, crap.

I really have to poo-poo. Okay, hold on.

I'm so... I try so hard to
be nice to your mom,

and all she ever gives me is stink face.

Hold on, shh, shh, shh.

Babe, babe, babe, she-she loves you.

And you just stood there doing nothing

while she sucked up to
everyone like a vacuum cleaner.

Come on, Rebecca was just being nice.

- It's Josh and Valencia.
- Nice?!

So naive, Josh!

You don't see who she really is.

They're fighting.

It's so sad.

Oh, my God, I can hear it.

You didn't even sit next to me.

I told you I wanted to
be closer to the turkey.

I like the skin!

I can hear it. Why
don't you stick up for me?

Oh, my God, this is
it... this is the boulder.

Wait-wait, wait, wait,
wait, shh, shh, shh.

Wait, wait, I can't hear.

Wait.

It's gone quiet.

What happened?

Did she kill him?

What is that sound?

Wait, I don't know.

Maybe it's a tiny trampoline.

Or a ghost with a rusty knee?

Oh, my God, Rebecca, are they...?

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Run out of the room.

Just sprint by their
writhing bodies and escape.

No, no-no, I can't.

Because if I move, my bowels will explode.

Like, all over the walls.

Wait, shh, shh, shh. Shh,
I think they've stopped.

I think they stopped, hold on, hold on.

Oh, God, the stamina.

Why won't this end?

When is this gonna end?

Huh.

Never noticed that before.

♪ It's 5:53 on Thanksgiving ♪

♪ Not one customer's
walked through the door ♪

♪ But I'm still here,
slinging drinks for a living ♪

♪ I've never played piano before ♪

Not bad.

♪ I know this town like
the back of my hand ♪

♪ But I'm not such a fan
of the back of my hand ♪

♪ 'Cause if you look real close ♪

♪ At those little hairs and veins ♪

♪ You're like, "Hands
are sort of gross" ♪

♪ It's hard to explain ♪

♪ The point is ♪

♪ Hey, West Covina ♪

♪ Why won't you let me break free? ♪

♪ Am I doomed to stay here ♪

♪ Pouring my high
school friends beers ♪

♪ For the rest of eternity? ♪

♪ Hey, West Covina ♪

♪ You know just where to find me ♪

♪ I'll never go far,
so pull up to the bar ♪

♪ Hey, West Covina ♪

♪ What'll it be? ♪

♪ It's 5:55, I'm still singing ♪

♪ The big Turkey Day
game's letting out ♪

♪ But no one's coming here ♪

♪ Who am I kidding? ♪

♪ Hey, you sunburned
MILFs, give me a shout ♪

♪ Everyone's going home 'cause
it's time to give thanks ♪

♪ Thanks for the chain
stores and outlets and banks ♪

♪ Thanks for this town three
short hours from the beach ♪

♪ Where all of your dreams
can stay just out of reach... ♪

♪ Hey, West Covina ♪

♪ You're not listening,
so what's the use? ♪

♪ Is my purpose in life to
slice limes with a knife? ♪

♪ Or to serve Deb a vodka
and cranberry juice? ♪

Hey, Deb, I'll be right with you.

♪ Hey, West Covina ♪

♪ Look what you're doing to me ♪

♪ Can't you see, West Covina ♪

♪ You're killing me, West Covina ♪

♪ Last call, West Covina ♪

♪ What'll it be? ♪

Hold on. Hold on. Wait, I
think they might be gone.

Shh. Hold on.

Oh...

Yes. Yes.

Okay, they're gone.

Go to the bathroom, honey.

No. I'm gonna make a run for it

because I can't be in
this house any longer.

Are you crazy?

You'll never make it!

You will never make it.

There you are!

Ready for church

You know, I really want to go,

but I have to take a giant...

rain check.

Everyone...

I have an announcement to make.

Today has been a special day.

So nice to see everyone here

from, you know, Rancho Cucamonga,

and Stockton, Monrovia,

Victorville...

Yeah, all the places!

I'm so thankful for the wonderful meal

and for, you know,

sharing great laughs, as always.

But there were also
some challenging moments.

Those moments are really important, too.

Because of those moments,

we find out what really matters

and are reminded where we belong.

And I belong...

with Valencia.

On that note,

and in front of the people I love the most

and who love me the most...

V, I want to ask you something.

Valencia...

will you move in with me?

I do!

I mean, I will.

No... No...

Now, who wants to go see Jesus?

Hey. Hey.

I brought your robe. I know you hate

that these hospital gowns
leave your ass hanging out.

My ass will hang out when I say it should.

I am the captain of my own ass.

- I know what you did.
- What?

One of the nurses ratted you out.

You spent all your savings?

On me?

Why?

I'm a lost cause.

Run, like your mother did.

Save yourself.

And-and the macaws.

You need those treatments.

You gotta go to school. Move out.

It's-it's time.

Don't you tell me what to do.

I make my own decisions,
thank you very much,

and I'm not going anywhere, sorry.

- Now...
- Don't, don't... fight me on this.

Look at you, old man,

you'd lose.

You have tubes in your face.

You know what my father would've done

if I talked to him like that?

He probably would've said,

"Thank you for saving my life, son."

Yeah, probably.

My father was a saint.

Now, hey... get out of here.

And get yourself something to eat,

something decent to eat.

The food here is garbage.

I will, in a bit.

I'm not in a hurry.

I love you, you know.

Almost as much as Sinatra,

and he's a damned good bird.

Oh, no, no, no.

- Change that.
- No, no. I don't...

The beach volleyball, come on.

- I don't need...
- Oh, look at, look at that.

La, la, la, la. Oh, Brazil!

La, la, la, la. Oh, go, baby, go.

You can make it, you can
make it, you can make it...

You can do it, baby.

You can make it. Just don't think about it.

Oh, thank God...

Oh... oh...

Paula, come on.

Enough with that.

So, this is our first Thanksgiving

without Aunt Judy.

Let's, uh...

have a moment of silence for her.

Why...?

Because she's dead.

Hey, Paula!

Come in.

Oh, I think my spleen is somewhere

in the municipal sewer system.

Oh...

Oh... my butthole's the gateway to hell.

- You look great.
- Hi!

What are you doing here?

You promised me a drink.

I got tired of waiting.

Okay. So you just showed up?

And, like, phones don't exist?

I decided we're past courtesy.

I brought
tacos and tequila,

the food of our forefathers.

Well, not really yours. Or mine.

That's really nice.

But, God, I'm not really in a position

to eat that stuff right now.

I've had the worst Thanksgiving ever.

Yeah, mine was really bad, too.

It was like Pearl Harbor
meets the movie Pearl Harbor.

That's funny.

Well, feel free

to sit down, but I gotta warn you,

I'm not good company.

That's okay. I'm used to it.

Ha, ha, ha!

You know what? Maybe I
will have some tequila.

Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no. Not tacos, though.

Not gonna handle those tacos right now.

Here, let me get you a
plate to eat the tacos on,

because you're a person.

Uh-oh. Oh, God.

Oh, no...

- Where are you... going?
- Okay, okay, okay.

I'll be back, I'll be back.
Clench, Becky. Clench, Becky.

You can do it. Okay.

Okay, Becky.

Let's see what's on my queue.

No.

Mm... no. Sorry you
had to see that.

Ooh! Documentary about a
whale that didn't have parents.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

That says Thanksgiving.

So... how'd your dad take the news?

Oh, yeah, that didn't happen.

Really? He asked you to stay?

Nah, it's just...

The thing is,

he's always been there for me,

my whole life.

The only person, actually.

God...

it's nice that you have that.

'Cause not everyone does.

That whale didn't.

No.

Have you thought about night school?

Yeah. It's funny you say that.

I have been thinking about it.

Do it!

Maybe I will.

Okay.

Why does Netflix always want me

to watch Leaving Las Vegas?

What are they trying to tell me?

Wait.

I know exactly what we should watch.

There. I saved you the pork adobo

and the turkey skin, Anak.

Thanks, Mom.

Hey, that was a great sermon, huh?

Perfect combination of guilt and...

No, I guess it was just guilt.

I wasn't even paying attention.

I was just... so happy.

I'm going to bed.

All I ask is

if you're going to go against
the church and live in sin,

be consistent and use contraception, okay?

Thanks, Mom. Good night.

You want to hear something funny?

You want to know who I'm
most thankful for today?

Rebecca.

What? Why?

But don't get me wrong. She's
the worst and I hate her.

But if it wasn't for us fighting about her,

we wouldn't be moving in together!

So, which part of town should we live in?

- Uh, I haven't thought about it yet.
- Well, I have,

because I have my eye on
a duplex on South Cameron

with a backyard and shutters

and French doors and Spanish
tile and an orange tree.

It has two bedrooms,
which would be perfect,

because I need the extra
room to practice my Ashtanga.

The World Dog Awards.

Now that says Thanksgiving.

I hate to say it, but that bloodhound

could definitely benefit
from a juice cleanse.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Whoa.

Yes, that is one portly puppy.

Mm.

Oh, here.

Here you go.

No one likes a hot butt.

Hmm.

Oh, my God, I can't
believe I'm eating again.

Yeah, I was gonna say,
speaking of portly puppies.

- Woof! Woof!
- That's not nice. That's not nice.

- Woof! Woof! Woof!
- You've lost your pillow privileges.

- Ooh, ooh, giant pillow!
- No! That's unfair!

Oh.

No! Not Greg. Josh! Josh!

I worked so hard for nothing!

Another story, Miss Rebecca.

'Twas the night of the
Dunster House Formal.

The place? Harvard.

The year? 2008.

I remember it specifically

because I had a Barack Obama bobble-head

perched on my nightstand.

And as I was being rhythmically trashed

by a junior visiting from
the Brown improv troupe,

the bobble-head nodded
up and down as if to say,

"Yes, yes, you have made
another terrible decision,

you silly, weak woman."

Mommy!
- I was out of stories!