Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Josh and I Are Good People! - full transcript
After Rebecca and Greg's disastrous date, Greg accuses her of being a terrible person in front of Josh. Rebecca takes drastic measures to prove she is a good person, which includes helping Darryl with his messy divorce.
Hey! You have any change?
Oh, sorry. I only have 20s.
I got them from working.
How cute were we at summer camp?
Look, oh, there's us in the
Camp Canyon Grove lunch line.
Oh. So cute!
There's you lifting weights.
Supes cute.
There's you flexing. Cute, cute, cute.
Oh, this is you in the camp chapel.
Remember? You were the
only one who went in there.
Yeah, I know it's not cool
to believe in God and stuff, but I do.
Oh, my God. That's, like... that's insane.
I believe in God, too.
What are the odds?
I think a lot of people believe in...
Hey, man.
What's wrong?
Sorry, it's... Greg's over there,
and I haven't really seen
him since our... our date.
You took some guy home
from our date
and slept with him?
What is wrong with you?!
Hi!
- How are you?
- I'm good.
I'd ask how you are, but I already know.
You're terrible.
W-what?
She's horrible.
What are you talking
about? What did she do?
What didn't she do?
Um, Greg, what are you doing?
Don't say anything. What are...? What?
It's nothing. Uh, uh,
oh, oh, no, don't worry.
I won't tell him anything.
Why? Because I'm not terrible.
O-okay, maybe you had a bad
date, but Rebecca is awesome.
She just moved here
and already she's done
so much for everybody.
No, I can't argue with that.
She has done so, so much.
What's this? Oh, no, no, no,
no. It's nothing! It's nothing!
Pictures from your little summer
camp fling, which you lied to me
and everyone else about.
Dude, you're being a
little harsh to Rebecca.
Okay? Are you gonna defend her?
You're just as bad, Chan.
Look at you.
Cuddling up over Boba when you know
your girlfriend would
not be cool with that.
There's a word for that. What is it?
Oh, yeah. Terrible.
Number 31!
That's me.
Bye, liars and terrible people.
That was ridiculous.
He is ridiculous.
Who just marches up to people
and tells them they're terrible?
- I know, right?
- That's insane!
No one has ever said anything
like that to me before in my life!
Yeah, me neither.
You're selfish
and dramatic and weird.
You drove your father out of this house.
You're terrible!
Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's a...
That's a bad thing to say to somebody.
That would scar you.
There is nothing wrong
with us. Especially not you.
You're great! You're awesome.
- I should go.
- Well, I should probably go.
- Oh, yeah, let's go.
- Yeah, here you go. Yeah.
Okay. Okay, yup.
I don't care what he says.
I am a good person. I'm a great person.
I do good things all the time, like...
Hi. Here.
Yes.
And is there anything else
that I can do for you today?
So I did something
that wasn't great.
I mean, yeah, I'm not proud of it,
especially since I came to
this city for a new start.
I guess I messed that up.
But what I did wasn't, like,
Hitler level or anything.
This is a really nice car.
Oh, thanks! It's a 2015 Hyundai Sonata.
It has 185 horsepower,
17-inch alloy wheels,
a four-cylinder engine, heated seats,
and a hands-free smart trunk.
Greg is so wrong about me.
I'll show him. You just watch.
Yeah, you can let me out here.
What's your damage?
♪ I was working hard
at a New York job ♪
♪ making dough but it made me blue ♪
♪ one day I was crying a lot ♪
♪ and so I decided to move ♪
♪ to west Covina, California ♪
♪ brand-new pals and new career ♪
♪ it happens to be where Josh lives ♪
♪ but that's not why I'm here ♪
♪ she's the crazy ex-girlfriend
♪ what? No, I'm not.
♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪
That's a sexist term.
♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪
Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?
♪ She's so broken inside ♪
The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.
♪C-r-a-z-y ♪
Okay! We get it!
♪ Crazy ex-girlfriend. ♪
Hey.
Hey, would you mind...
Turning that down?
Has to be loud.
If I can't hear the bass, my rhythm's off.
Hello?!
Oh, hello. I'm sorry, Pamela.
Paula.
Oh, well... I apologized to Pamela,
so I guess I'm not sorry.
Hey.
Hey, Pam-spray,
did you rewrite my brief
for the Caswick case?
Yeah, three days ago.
It's on your desk.
Oh, then I spilled some
coffee on that bad boy.
Can you hop on your Pamster
wheel and print me up
another one?
Nope. You're rude.
And you're Pam.
Ooh!
Oh, Karen, did you file those briefs?
No, I'm sorry, my snake is
sick, and I just can't focus
whenever my snake is sick.
Also, my internet is down,
so I can't post about
it on my YouTube channel.
So I was gonna tweet about it instead,
but then my account got hacked again, so...
Okay, Karen, Karen, you told
me all of this this morning,
and you're my case assistant, and I just...
I really need you to focus.
I need to go. My electrolytes are low.
These
people are such garbage.
Okay, no big deal,
but I got lattes for the entire office.
That's right, more than three bucks!
And everyone's name is
written correctly on the cup.
Also, I brought donuts for everybody.
And I'm not talking
about the plain ones, no,
they got all the goop on them.
So come get it.
Oh, Karen. I saw that flyer last week.
Are you still crowdfunding for
Long John Slither's fang cancer?
Yeah, I just found out
- it's terminal.
- Oh, my God.
We're gonna fight this, okay?
I pledge $1,000
to help your sick snake.
- Oh, thank... thank you.
- Yes.
He's in so much pain.
So...
Clearly, you're still on this
"I'm a good person" thing.
I mean, Greg really got to me this morning.
Oh, come on!
You are not a terrible person.
Greg is just a whiny little bitch.
Yeah.
And sexy.
He should be
a-a search term on porn sites.
Okay.
But who cares what he thinks?
Well, I care what he thinks,
because I care what me thinks
and me wants me to be a good person.
Am I a good person?
Being a good person is overrated.
I mean, who cares about that?
Darryl!
Darryl, Darryl, Darryl.
Just the man I wanted to see.
Are you still selling chocolate bars
for your daughter's baseball team?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, great.
I'm gonna buy all of the chocolate bars.
All.
All!
Yeah.
Now, you might be thinking, "what?
"Rebecca, that's too nice.
It's too good."
Well, that's who I am, people.
My goodness
in "on fleek," as the Internet says.
Oh! But, Darryl, what's wrong?
Shut the door.
If anyone needs me,
I'll be in here helping Darryl.
We're all clear?
Great.
What's wrong, buddy?
It's my stupid wife Stacey.
She's trying to get primary
custody of my daughter.
Jiminy Christmas.
I'm the primary parent.
I spend way more Te with
Madison than she does.
I mean...
She's just jealous.
I mean, what if I lose Madison?
Oh, I'm in my own private hell.
Well, it doesn't have to
be private anymore, Darryl.
Come on.
Everybody...
I have an announcement to make.
Gather around, it's very exciting.
As we all know,
our boss, Darryl Whitefeather,
has been going through
a very terrible divorce.
Yeah, you know, the "private" part
- wasn't the part I wanted to change.
- Okay. Yeah.
So I have decided to represent him
in his divorce case.
What? You're gonna represent me?
Oh, my gosh, that's all I ever wanted!
I mean, you said "no" so many times...
Bup-bup-bup,
bup-bup-bup.
No, I mean, I asked
yesterday and you said, "no!"
Bup-bup-bup-bup! I
was thinking about it.
Okay. It's just that, you
know, you said "never..."
So, daddy, you ready to get to work?
- Mm-hmm! You bet.
- Come on.
'Carr and I need focus so hard on the case
we will be out of the
office for the next few days.
Um, where are we going?
- It doesn't matter. Okay?
- No.
Hey. Wait a minute.
W-what about the Caswick case?
We need your help.
What are we supposed to do?
Maybe actually do your job.
Hmm.
You can't go.
I need approvals.
Well, Paula knows the
office, like, inside and out.
She can handle it all.
Paula's not a lawyer.
She's a paralegal.
You mean she can handle
the filing and the coffee.
No, Tim.
I mean she can supervise everything,
including the cases.
Yeah, Paula's in charge.
Cool, Darryl?
Yeah. Sure.
Great. Knock 'em dead.
Ow.
A shard got in my eye.
I need some eyewash!
Karen!
You passive-aggressive,
miserable piece of garbage.
Shut your garbage face!
You heard what they said.
I'm in charge now.
And we are going to get some
friggin' work done around here!
Do you hear me?
Now go.
Um, why are we here?
Uh, they have great coffee and free wi-fi.
Um, so does our office.
Hi.
Hi. Yeah.
We'd like two coffees over here.
And you know what? Just keep it coming,
'cause I'm gonna be doing a lot of helping.
Thanks.
I like your shirt.
So, Darryl, let's talk
about this arbitration,
where I'll save your daughter.
Save her?
Is she in danger? I mean,
did something happen?
No, no, Darryl, that's why I'm here,
is to protect you from your
evil wife's machinations.
Okay, look, the truth is, I just want
whatever's best for Madison.
I mean, I just want us all to get along.
Hey, chief, just a sec.
Hey.
Hey, can we get some waters
and a breakfast burrito just for me?
I'm sorry if we're loud over there.
I'm just helping out a friend;
a little pro bones work as I like to say.
It's Darryl and his divorce.
- He has a kid, right?
- Yeah, that's why I'm help...
Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
I don't know what you're up
to, but this is about a family.
This isn't about you.
No, I'm aware.
I mean, as a child of
divorce, I understand that...
Oh, spare me, please.
Do you forgive me yet?
Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
I haven't been to
confession in three years.
Hmm, my son.
You must repent
and do 5,000 hail Marys.
That's so many.
And, uh, 400...
Keg stands, dude!
It's me, bro!
Father Brah, no way!
Yeah, I got promoted.
I can finally do confession now.
That's amazing, Father Brah.
Thanks, man, I've been meaning to say
thank you so much for the nickname.
Oh, yeah, glad you like it.
It was super easy to come up with.
Father Joseph, father Bro-seph,
Father bro, Father
Brah... Bam! Psh!
I mean, attendance has
shot through the roof
- since you did that, man.
- Nice!
Now, what's up, man? What can I do for you?
So, I've been with Valencia for, like,
forever and I know we're
meant to be together.
But someone recently said something to me.
I don't want to say who.
Greg.
- It was Greg, mm-hmm.
- He said something to me
that on one level I didn't think was true.
But on another level it is true.
So there are, like, two things
going in in my brain right now.
Two things are a lot for one brain.
Okay, so let's simplify.
What's really bothering you?
Just tell me straight
up from your heart, dude.
I think I might be attracted
to someone besides Valencia.
Don't get me wrong.
I still love Valencia.
But there is another girl.
Yeah, I hear you, J-town, I mean,
look, let...
Tell you what.
Let's take this to a higher court.
So, you're saying that one
day, you want to marry Valencia,
have kidlings and, like,
live happily ever after.
Right, so then, when I find myself
thinking about this other girl...
- That's a foul, dude.
- I know, I feel terrible!
No, I mean, like, like, watch your elbows.
Oh. So, I think about Rebecca's smile,
you know, her hair, her boobs, her butt,
her... boobs.
Well, it's natural to
have those feelings, dawg.
But it's not just that
Rebecca makes me feel great.
You know, she believes in me
in a way that nobody else does.
Well, that's... major.
And that's not all.
I do other things that are sinful.
I've had premarital sex.
Lots of it. And sometimes I watch
adult content and I take care of myself.
And I don't mean in the
vitamin/exercising kind of way.
Okay, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
Look, dude.
The way I see
it... you're lucky.
No, man, this moral crisis you're having?
It's a chance to look within.
Like, God is personally inviting
you to take stock of your life.
So, here's an assignment, okay?
For, like, the next 24 hours,
what I want you to do is
write down all the thoughts
that you think are sinful.
Okay.
God is challenging you, man.
It's an opportunity.
- Just like this is an opportunity.
- Oh, come on.
Oh, nothing but net!
And Christ!
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh,
oh-oh, oh-oh... ♪
Oh, Madison, she was such a fussy baby.
I mean, she would cry all night long.
I mean, these ear-piercing
screams, but you know what?
Are you listening to me?
Yeah, sorry, I-I am.
Anyway, she had this first grade teacher,
- who was an amazing listener...
- Hey! Hey!
Uh... do you know where Greg went?
He went home.
Wait, how'd I miss him?
He went through the back door?
Wait.
I know you...
You're that lady
on the dartboard in the storage room.
Oh.
That's how we kid.
Me and Greg, yeah.
We make a joke about the other per on
in another room that the
other person will never see,
and then we never tell
the other person about it.
It's so funny.
Oh, give him my regards.
Nice meeting you.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
You know, I'm...
- I think I got to call it a day.
- Oh...
I got to go home and think about this case.
I just don't know if
there's enough evidence here
to redo the custody arrangements.
Oh, but you have to come up with something.
Wait!
Rebecca, look.
I need you to understand
this is not just another case.
And this is not just a favor
you're doing for your boss.
This means everything to me.
Madison is my sun and my moon.
She is the candle in the
window that guides me home.
She's the cream in my coffee!
Okay, dude, I got to stop you, sorry.
Uh, maybe it's because my
father's an abandoning coward.
Could be that, but I feel like
you should dial back
the whole daddy-daughter love thing.
It sounds a little like... Amber Alert.
What?! What are you talking about?
A father's love for a daughter
is one of the purest loves on earth!
Oh, no.
I just wish I could explain
how I feel about her.
I'm gonna try.
♪ Daddy's little girl ♪
♪ princess of my world ♪
♪ I never knew a beauty
like this before ♪
♪ so clever and cute ♪
♪ an angel with an attitude ♪
♪ I want her all mine all of the time ♪
♪ I know songs like
this can come off weird ♪
♪ but there's nothing weird ♪
♪ about helping daddy trim his beard ♪
♪ dads do that ♪
♪ 'cause I love my daughter ♪
♪ but not in a creepy way ♪
♪ no, I realize father-daughter
love comes off that way ♪
♪ I just love my daughter ♪
♪ but again, not in a creepy way ♪
♪ the father-daughter dates
surrounded by adorable girls ♪
♪ but there's only
one that's got my eye ♪
♪ her feet on my shoes ♪
♪ her hands on my hips ♪
♪ yeah, it's a weird visual
now that I think of it ♪
♪ I know lines like that
can skeeve people out ♪
♪ but when it comes to tickling ♪
♪ She about to get it now ♪
♪ I'm very careful where
I tickle my daughter ♪
♪ never inappropriately ♪
♪ I can see how that came out ♪
♪ a bit confusingly ♪
♪ I just love my daughter ♪
♪ but seriously, not in a creepy way ♪
♪ one day she'll fall in love ♪
♪ and I'll give her away ♪
♪ not like I ever had her ♪
♪ what a weird thing to say ♪
♪ I can see it now ♪
♪ she'll look just like her mom ♪
♪ granted, I did have
sex with her mom ♪
♪ oh, but this is different,
'cause I love my daughter ♪
♪ but not in a love-love way ♪
♪ did you get what I... ♪
♪ What I mean to say is ♪
♪ I'll just stop talking ♪
♪ having a daughter ♪
♪ is weird. ♪
You know what?
That was actually kind of moving.
Really?
Yes.
And it gave me a brilliant idea.
Is Madison home from school yet?
Don't look so sad.
You will get your
pho... thank you.
You'll get them back at
the end of the workday,
which may be midnight.
I got to go... some
bitch wants my phone.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna strangle you.
Put it in. Put it in. Put it in the box!
Thank you.
This is my gumball machine!
It is not your gumball machine!
- It is everybody's gumball machine.
- No!
You are not Don Draper!
Darryl is so damn disorganized.
Some of the papers in here are so old.
Oh, good news.
I found a coupon from Blockbuster.
The Color Purple is now
available on laser-disc.
Okay, that's strange.
Paula, Paula?
I have a weird tampon thing happening.
Bup, bup, bup! Karen, shut it down.
Oh, Tim.
Oh.
Hi, Paula.
So now you know my name.
Interesting.
Listen, I'm sorry about...
Bup, bup, bup, bup. Did you say "about"
or "a-boot"?
That's right, Timster.
I know the truth.
Please, you can't tell anyone.
Don't tell anyone what?
That you're not an American citizen?
That you've been working
in this country illegally
on an expired visa, because
you're really Canadian?
Paula, please, I need this job.
I alienated everyone
in my firm in Winnipeg.
- Shocking.
- I came out to L.A. for a convention.
I met Darryl at a strip club.
We would never speak of again.
I gave him some fake
documents and he never noticed!
You know what?
I saw through that phony
work permit right away.
I've been at the firm ever since,
watching my long Os
and pretending not to like hockey.
It's been so difficult.
Yeah, no, it sounds harrowing.
Look, I know you hate me.
And now you got a reason to get rid of me.
But I am begging you.
Paula, what are you gonna do?
I don't know.
Because I'm gonna have to talk to Pamela,
and she is a real bitch.
This one is Snail-y Minaj.
This one is Snail-or Swift.
And this one is Snail-y Rae Jepsen.
Maybe you should name one escargot.
I'm sorry.
That was... it was a...
It was a joke, get it?
You're here to talk
about my parents, right?
Rebecca, you know what,
I'm-I'm not too sure about this.
Look, honey, I just don't want to put you
in the middle of this whole thing...
You know, Madison,
I think we can tell
the judge what you want.
Oh, that's easy... I
want to live with my dad.
"I want to live with Madison's dad.
He's the best."
Well, thank you, Iggy A-snail-ya.
I appreciate that.
So, Madison, I'm here to
help you get what you want.
So if there's anything you could think of
that would help me win this case...
- Well, let me see.
- Yeah, uh-huh.
- You know what, this is a mistake.
- It's fine. No, shh.
Oh.
Well, sometimes my mom
leaves me home by myself,
and I went on her iPad
to see where she was,
and turns out she goes
to a motel with her boss.
That's something, right?
Oh, come on, Tim's a dick.
We can finally get rid of him,
send him back to the land
of universal health care and nice people.
I know.
He's got kids, and they're cute.
They're probably jerks, too.
Like, little Justin Bieber jerks.
You know it's true.
Wow, this place is so quiet and tidy.
What'd you do?
She broke our spirit.
Great.
Okay, you're not gonna believe
what has been happening around here.
First of all, Karen has been
hoarding all the calcium chews.
Okay, Paula, I really want
to hear about all this,
but I actually got to get to the courthouse.
I scheduled an emergency
hearing for Darryl today.
A hearing already?
Yeah. Wow.
Yeah, I'm gonna bust this case wide open.
And when I do...
Suck it, Greg.
♪ Greg's gonna suck it,
Greg's gonna suck it ♪
♪ Greg's gonna suck
it... ah, yeah! ♪
Your honor, what is the emergency?
I have a business trip to the Caymans.
My plane is leaving today.
Your honor, may we begin?
What's up, YouTubers?
It's episode three of
The Snailysitters Club.
She has a YouTube channel?
I know, right?
Everybody has a YouTube channel.
Even weird Karen from my office.
So tonight, just like last Friday,
my mom is with her boss at the motel,
and I'm with the best
babysitters in the world...
My snails, holla!
This week is super exciting
'cause me and my snails
are gonna make s'mores
on the gas stove.
Left alone.
Gas stove.
Some mores.
Your honor, she is very mature.
And I was only gone for a couple minutes.
Half hour at the most.
How long were you sleeping with him? Hmm?
You worked there for five years.
The whole five years?
Yeah, but he doesn't talk
about his feelings all the time.
And he doesn't cry at cat food commercials.
Your honor, the evidence
of neglect is irrefutable.
Ms. Bunch, I have to agree with you.
Mr. Whitefeather,
I'm granting you
temporary full custody of your daughter.
Yes.
Mrs. Whitefeather, you will
have supervised visitation
until the custody arrangements
are fully finalized.
Supervi...
Great.
Thank you so much
for your attention in
this matter, your honor.
Justice has indeed
been served.
You are a good person.
He is a good person.
We are good person.
♪ ♪
♪ I'm a good person, yes, it's true ♪
♪ I'm a good person...
Better than you ♪
♪ I'm a good person, can't you see? ♪
♪ Doctors without borders
don't have nothing on me ♪
♪ I'm a good person,
and if you ask why ♪
♪ I'll spit my good
right into your eye ♪
♪ everywhere I go,
I spread such bliss ♪
♪ and if you don't think so ♪
♪ you can kiss... my ass...
Which is made of good ♪
Hey, that mic cost $300!
♪ Didn't you know that
I'm a good person? ♪
♪ I'm pure angel through and through ♪
♪ doesn't it show that
I'm a good person? ♪
♪ So much gooder than you and you ♪
♪ and you and you and you ♪
♪ I'm a good person, that's my thing ♪
♪ my nickname is mother
Teresa Luther king ♪
♪ I'm a good person...
Get it straight ♪
♪ and when I say good, I
really mean great, the best ♪
♪
♪humble and blessed ♪
♪ news flash, douche bags ♪
♪ I'm a good person ♪
♪ do what I can for you all the time ♪
♪ that's how I am,
'cause I'm a good person ♪
♪ I always find time to be kind ♪
Choking.
Sorry, so busy.
♪ I'm a good, such a
good, real good person ♪
♪ I'm a good person
through and through ♪
♪ I'm a good, such a
good, real good person ♪
♪ let me hear you say it, too ♪
Say it.
Say it or I'll kill your husband.
I'll do it, I'll gut him like a fish.
You're a good
person. Aw, thank you.
♪ I'm a good, such a
good, real good person ♪
♪ I'm a good person, yes, it's true ♪
♪ I'm a good, such a
good, real good person ♪
♪ I'm a good person, get it? ♪
♪ Screw you. ♪
Let's celebrate.
- Darryl?
- Mm-hmm?
What's wrong? We got what we wanted.
Oh, look at Madison.
- She's so happy.
- I know. It's great.
I just... my whole life was a lie,
but I'll get used to that.
Yeah, you will!
Yeah! That's the spirit.
Barkeep.
Your finest champagne.
And, ooh, let's see, a mint
chocolate chip ice cream
for the young lady.
Sorry, Context...
May I present to you a family reunited.
What do you suggest?
I got Darryl temporary custody.
Okay.
So?
Well, "so"... You said that
I was a terrible person.
But clearly now I'm not.
You're... never mind.
What do you mean, "never mind"?
What do you mean, "never mind"?
Son of a...
Hey!
My God, I don't understand you.
What are you doing? You can't come in here.
Oh, just listen to me... I'm out
there trying to help somebody,
and all I ask is for your forgiveness,
and you won't even give it to me.
Why?
Wow.
Either you truly hate me or
you're super good at darts.
Why do you care what I think?
I'm not your priest.
I just care, okay?
Look, I know... I know that I messed up.
And I know that it was, like, so wrong
to sleep with another guy on our date.
I made a mistake.
And so please just forgive
me, because I'm imperfect.
Why is that so hard?
Rebecca, let me be clear here.
Unless you
can Un-have-sex
with that guy you ditched
me for on our date,
I don't care what you do.
You could save the world, Avengers-style.
So this is about sex.
Why didn't you say so?
That's an easy thing to rectify.
Let's do it, let's do it. It's safe...
I'm on the ring.
What are you...? No.
Yeah, let's get these puppies
out of the cage. Stop it, stop it.
Let these puppies
out of their crate.
Stop it, what is...
what is wrong with you?
I-I'm supposed to forget what happened
because you took a case and
got some guy temporary custody?
"Temporary."
I get it.
What?
I get it, I get it.
Yeah, uh-huh, yeah.
I don't get it. What?
Okay, so new plan.
I'm not gonna get you temporary custody.
Instead, how would you like it
if I got you permanent custody?
What? Wait.
Yep, that's right. Mmm.
I'm gonna get
you permanent custody.
I'm gonna do it right now.
I missed that part.
Sorry, that was cryptic, let me explain.
I'm gonna go to the bank, withdraw $10,000,
and plant it in your wife's suitcase,
because it's illegal to take
that amount of money over the border.
So when she tries to fly
to the Cayman Islands,
they'll find it and arrest her,
and you'll get permanent custody.
That's all cleared up.
Okay, I'm gonna go to the bank. Bye!
Oh, she's bananas.
What the hell are you doing?!
What up?
'Sup?
- You got a game?
- Yeah.
Interfaith League, playing
The Chosen Ones today.
Cantor Goldstein's got this killer move.
He calls it the torah,
'cause you can't touch it.
Uh, here-here's my list of sins.
Uh, I printed it out.
You did it,
man... good on you.
All right.
Okay, so you went to the mall
and you saw a sexy mannequin
and you wanted to have sex with it.
And then you saw another sexy mannequin
and you wanted to have
sex with that one, too.
And then you saw a sexy girl at the mall
and you wanted her to watch you have sex
with two sexy mannequins.
According to this list, you
thought about Rebecca a lot.
Like, a lot a lot.
And all day yesterday,
did you act on any of
these sinful thoughts?
No.
Bro-heem, you're good.
What matters is what you
do, not what you think.
What God cares about are our actions.
That's all.
So you admire Rebecca for
her brains and her beauty.
I understand that.
What's important is...
What are you gonna do about these feelings?
What happened?
Is there something wrong with Madison?
Is that why you're here?
No.
You know what? I'm here for justice.
Okay.
I don't know what that
means, but please stop.
You've taken my daughter away.
Isn't that enough?
I haven't taken your daughter away.
You abandoned your daughter.
You left her in a house
with nothing but snails?
I mean, who does
that? Bup-bup-bup!
You have some nerve.
So I made some bad mistakes,
but I do want what's best for my daughter.
I mean, I love her so much.
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to know that your child
prefers their father?
Well, no, I don't have kids, personally.
- Shocking.
- But...
I mean, it-it sounds hard.
It all sounds hard.
What would you know about
what I've been through?
You're just some soulless lawyer.
Oh, yeah, I saw you pump your fist
when the judge gave my daughter away.
How dare you?
Why in the world would
you even take on this case?
What's wrong with you?
I...
What is wrong with me?
Off the top of my head,
I'd say low self-esteem,
a lack of maternal affection
and a genetic predisposition
for anxiety and depression.
I did not think that was
where you were gonna go.
God...
Because of that lack
of any parental validation,
I always seek outside
validation from others.
And somehow I've made Greg
my new moral arbiter in this town.
Okay.
You know what?
I can fix this.
We can fix this.
Come with me. Come with me.
Who the hell is Greg?
Do you know what?
You have the softest hair.
What do you want me to say, people?
That she doesn't have the softest hair?
And I don't watch her at
night when she's sleeping?
'Cause I do.
She's a little angel.
Right?
That's my girl.
Mommy! You came to my game!
I decided to postpone my trip.
- Oh.
- You're with the crazy lady.
- Hey...
- Well, okay.
Crazy is a pejorative term
and it's an over-generalization
of a number of disorders... what?
That was so funny, when you pretended
like you were gonna put
money in my mom's suitcase.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
Okay. So, Darryl...
- Hmm?
- Stacey and I
had a talk and we agree
that we can settle this
custody arrangement together.
Yeah.
We don't want to damage
Madison with our disagreements.
That can lead to a whole lot of problems.
Ask Rebecca.
Yeah. But don't ask me.
Seriously, don't.
You don't want the whole spiel.
So, yes,
I believe that we can come up with
a fair and equitable arrangement
without involving a judge.
Does that sound good?
Sounds great.
Great.
Stacey, thank you so
much for understanding.
Can I have my cash back now?
I already bought a hot tub.
No...
Now, uh, let's go watch your game, guys.
- Yeah!
- Sure.
There we go.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
There you go.
She had flyaways.
Can't have her walking around like that.
I guess I just realized
family is important.
I was letting my own self-interest
get in the way of that.
So Stacey and I worked out
what's best for Madison,
and, you know, at the end of the day,
I just feel really good about it.
Yeah, you're a good little munchkin.
Thanks.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
Tim!
Get in here!
I've made a decision.
Just... give me a couple hours
to tell my family, okay?
You know, I want to turn you in so much,
because you are
an actual piece of garbage.
But here's the thing:
Your family looks sweet,
and I have no problem ruining your life,
but their lives...
Oh, my God, Paula, are...
Are you not gonna turn
me in to the federales?
Don't pretend you have the plight
of an actual immigrant, dickweed.
I'm sorry.
I'll change, I promise.
Yeah, I doubt it.
That's like asking Karen
to not talk about tampons.
Actually, I just switched
to those new menstrual cups,
which I can't figure out.
Who wants to help me?
I hate her.
♪ ♪
What?
I think his kids are cute, okay?
They remind me of my kids in good times,
when they were young...
You know, before they could talk
and steal money from my purse.
I haven't gone soft.
Stop saying that.
_
Stop it.
_
Don't get mushy, you're making me blush.
_
Remember, don't tell anyone.
Then it's not really a good deed.
_
You always know what to say.
♪ ♪
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I don't want your forgiveness, I'm just...
I'm really sorry.
I got stuck on, like,
wanting you to say I was a good person,
because if you believed it,
then somehow I could believe it, too.
I can't say you're a good person,
but I saw what you did for Darryl today,
so I can say you're a good friend.
Not to me... like,
definitely not to me...
But to other people that aren't me.
So now that we're kind of talking again...
Do you think I could get a free beer?
Because I'm down $10,000...
Uh-uh. No.
That's fair.
Wait, you settled the Caswick case?
I know!
That was Cas-quick.
Oh.
Well, somebody got a new stapler. Hmm!
Wait. Seriously, Paula, this is amazing.
Like, how did you do it?
Uh, I think you mean
how did Pamela do it? Eh?
Dude, it's Paula,
and that joke is super old.
Oh, okay.
See, Jim's like, "oh, duh, okay." "Duh..."
Oh... oh, he has no friends.
Oh, look how sad he is.
Oh, he's so sad.
Oh, he's crying like a little baby.
Oh...
Now go wash my car, Tim.
Okay.
Well, I don't know what
you did, but I'm impressed.
Thank you.
- So, let's get to work.
- All right.
Right when I get back, in a few minutes.
Say hi to Josh for me.
It's not... I didn't move here...
Uh...
Hey.
Hi, you texted?
Yeah, I-I just, uh...
I wanted to talk to you.
About what Greg said.
It really got me thinking.
- Yeah.
- About me and you.
And what's going on between us.
Oh... oh.
Um...
Oh, 'cause... uh-huh.
Do tell?
Rebecca, I've really looked within
and thought about everything and...
I've made my choice.
O-okay.
I want you to know,
I am attracted to you.
Very,
very attracted to you.
Attracted to you... attracted to you...
But the thing is...
I love Valencia.
I plan on staying committed to her.
Attracted to you, attracted to you...
- Rebecca, are you listening to me?
- Yeah!
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Yep. Mm-hmm.
Joyce!
You are never gonna believe
what Josh just said to me.
Hey, guys. Um, welcome to
"getting real with Karen."
This week's review:
The Beaver Dam Menstrual Cup by Lady Works.
My review, in short? My
cup runneth over. Not good.
Oh, sorry. I only have 20s.
I got them from working.
How cute were we at summer camp?
Look, oh, there's us in the
Camp Canyon Grove lunch line.
Oh. So cute!
There's you lifting weights.
Supes cute.
There's you flexing. Cute, cute, cute.
Oh, this is you in the camp chapel.
Remember? You were the
only one who went in there.
Yeah, I know it's not cool
to believe in God and stuff, but I do.
Oh, my God. That's, like... that's insane.
I believe in God, too.
What are the odds?
I think a lot of people believe in...
Hey, man.
What's wrong?
Sorry, it's... Greg's over there,
and I haven't really seen
him since our... our date.
You took some guy home
from our date
and slept with him?
What is wrong with you?!
Hi!
- How are you?
- I'm good.
I'd ask how you are, but I already know.
You're terrible.
W-what?
She's horrible.
What are you talking
about? What did she do?
What didn't she do?
Um, Greg, what are you doing?
Don't say anything. What are...? What?
It's nothing. Uh, uh,
oh, oh, no, don't worry.
I won't tell him anything.
Why? Because I'm not terrible.
O-okay, maybe you had a bad
date, but Rebecca is awesome.
She just moved here
and already she's done
so much for everybody.
No, I can't argue with that.
She has done so, so much.
What's this? Oh, no, no, no,
no. It's nothing! It's nothing!
Pictures from your little summer
camp fling, which you lied to me
and everyone else about.
Dude, you're being a
little harsh to Rebecca.
Okay? Are you gonna defend her?
You're just as bad, Chan.
Look at you.
Cuddling up over Boba when you know
your girlfriend would
not be cool with that.
There's a word for that. What is it?
Oh, yeah. Terrible.
Number 31!
That's me.
Bye, liars and terrible people.
That was ridiculous.
He is ridiculous.
Who just marches up to people
and tells them they're terrible?
- I know, right?
- That's insane!
No one has ever said anything
like that to me before in my life!
Yeah, me neither.
You're selfish
and dramatic and weird.
You drove your father out of this house.
You're terrible!
Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's a...
That's a bad thing to say to somebody.
That would scar you.
There is nothing wrong
with us. Especially not you.
You're great! You're awesome.
- I should go.
- Well, I should probably go.
- Oh, yeah, let's go.
- Yeah, here you go. Yeah.
Okay. Okay, yup.
I don't care what he says.
I am a good person. I'm a great person.
I do good things all the time, like...
Hi. Here.
Yes.
And is there anything else
that I can do for you today?
So I did something
that wasn't great.
I mean, yeah, I'm not proud of it,
especially since I came to
this city for a new start.
I guess I messed that up.
But what I did wasn't, like,
Hitler level or anything.
This is a really nice car.
Oh, thanks! It's a 2015 Hyundai Sonata.
It has 185 horsepower,
17-inch alloy wheels,
a four-cylinder engine, heated seats,
and a hands-free smart trunk.
Greg is so wrong about me.
I'll show him. You just watch.
Yeah, you can let me out here.
What's your damage?
♪ I was working hard
at a New York job ♪
♪ making dough but it made me blue ♪
♪ one day I was crying a lot ♪
♪ and so I decided to move ♪
♪ to west Covina, California ♪
♪ brand-new pals and new career ♪
♪ it happens to be where Josh lives ♪
♪ but that's not why I'm here ♪
♪ she's the crazy ex-girlfriend
♪ what? No, I'm not.
♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪
That's a sexist term.
♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪
Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?
♪ She's so broken inside ♪
The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.
♪C-r-a-z-y ♪
Okay! We get it!
♪ Crazy ex-girlfriend. ♪
Hey.
Hey, would you mind...
Turning that down?
Has to be loud.
If I can't hear the bass, my rhythm's off.
Hello?!
Oh, hello. I'm sorry, Pamela.
Paula.
Oh, well... I apologized to Pamela,
so I guess I'm not sorry.
Hey.
Hey, Pam-spray,
did you rewrite my brief
for the Caswick case?
Yeah, three days ago.
It's on your desk.
Oh, then I spilled some
coffee on that bad boy.
Can you hop on your Pamster
wheel and print me up
another one?
Nope. You're rude.
And you're Pam.
Ooh!
Oh, Karen, did you file those briefs?
No, I'm sorry, my snake is
sick, and I just can't focus
whenever my snake is sick.
Also, my internet is down,
so I can't post about
it on my YouTube channel.
So I was gonna tweet about it instead,
but then my account got hacked again, so...
Okay, Karen, Karen, you told
me all of this this morning,
and you're my case assistant, and I just...
I really need you to focus.
I need to go. My electrolytes are low.
These
people are such garbage.
Okay, no big deal,
but I got lattes for the entire office.
That's right, more than three bucks!
And everyone's name is
written correctly on the cup.
Also, I brought donuts for everybody.
And I'm not talking
about the plain ones, no,
they got all the goop on them.
So come get it.
Oh, Karen. I saw that flyer last week.
Are you still crowdfunding for
Long John Slither's fang cancer?
Yeah, I just found out
- it's terminal.
- Oh, my God.
We're gonna fight this, okay?
I pledge $1,000
to help your sick snake.
- Oh, thank... thank you.
- Yes.
He's in so much pain.
So...
Clearly, you're still on this
"I'm a good person" thing.
I mean, Greg really got to me this morning.
Oh, come on!
You are not a terrible person.
Greg is just a whiny little bitch.
Yeah.
And sexy.
He should be
a-a search term on porn sites.
Okay.
But who cares what he thinks?
Well, I care what he thinks,
because I care what me thinks
and me wants me to be a good person.
Am I a good person?
Being a good person is overrated.
I mean, who cares about that?
Darryl!
Darryl, Darryl, Darryl.
Just the man I wanted to see.
Are you still selling chocolate bars
for your daughter's baseball team?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, great.
I'm gonna buy all of the chocolate bars.
All.
All!
Yeah.
Now, you might be thinking, "what?
"Rebecca, that's too nice.
It's too good."
Well, that's who I am, people.
My goodness
in "on fleek," as the Internet says.
Oh! But, Darryl, what's wrong?
Shut the door.
If anyone needs me,
I'll be in here helping Darryl.
We're all clear?
Great.
What's wrong, buddy?
It's my stupid wife Stacey.
She's trying to get primary
custody of my daughter.
Jiminy Christmas.
I'm the primary parent.
I spend way more Te with
Madison than she does.
I mean...
She's just jealous.
I mean, what if I lose Madison?
Oh, I'm in my own private hell.
Well, it doesn't have to
be private anymore, Darryl.
Come on.
Everybody...
I have an announcement to make.
Gather around, it's very exciting.
As we all know,
our boss, Darryl Whitefeather,
has been going through
a very terrible divorce.
Yeah, you know, the "private" part
- wasn't the part I wanted to change.
- Okay. Yeah.
So I have decided to represent him
in his divorce case.
What? You're gonna represent me?
Oh, my gosh, that's all I ever wanted!
I mean, you said "no" so many times...
Bup-bup-bup,
bup-bup-bup.
No, I mean, I asked
yesterday and you said, "no!"
Bup-bup-bup-bup! I
was thinking about it.
Okay. It's just that, you
know, you said "never..."
So, daddy, you ready to get to work?
- Mm-hmm! You bet.
- Come on.
'Carr and I need focus so hard on the case
we will be out of the
office for the next few days.
Um, where are we going?
- It doesn't matter. Okay?
- No.
Hey. Wait a minute.
W-what about the Caswick case?
We need your help.
What are we supposed to do?
Maybe actually do your job.
Hmm.
You can't go.
I need approvals.
Well, Paula knows the
office, like, inside and out.
She can handle it all.
Paula's not a lawyer.
She's a paralegal.
You mean she can handle
the filing and the coffee.
No, Tim.
I mean she can supervise everything,
including the cases.
Yeah, Paula's in charge.
Cool, Darryl?
Yeah. Sure.
Great. Knock 'em dead.
Ow.
A shard got in my eye.
I need some eyewash!
Karen!
You passive-aggressive,
miserable piece of garbage.
Shut your garbage face!
You heard what they said.
I'm in charge now.
And we are going to get some
friggin' work done around here!
Do you hear me?
Now go.
Um, why are we here?
Uh, they have great coffee and free wi-fi.
Um, so does our office.
Hi.
Hi. Yeah.
We'd like two coffees over here.
And you know what? Just keep it coming,
'cause I'm gonna be doing a lot of helping.
Thanks.
I like your shirt.
So, Darryl, let's talk
about this arbitration,
where I'll save your daughter.
Save her?
Is she in danger? I mean,
did something happen?
No, no, Darryl, that's why I'm here,
is to protect you from your
evil wife's machinations.
Okay, look, the truth is, I just want
whatever's best for Madison.
I mean, I just want us all to get along.
Hey, chief, just a sec.
Hey.
Hey, can we get some waters
and a breakfast burrito just for me?
I'm sorry if we're loud over there.
I'm just helping out a friend;
a little pro bones work as I like to say.
It's Darryl and his divorce.
- He has a kid, right?
- Yeah, that's why I'm help...
Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
I don't know what you're up
to, but this is about a family.
This isn't about you.
No, I'm aware.
I mean, as a child of
divorce, I understand that...
Oh, spare me, please.
Do you forgive me yet?
Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
I haven't been to
confession in three years.
Hmm, my son.
You must repent
and do 5,000 hail Marys.
That's so many.
And, uh, 400...
Keg stands, dude!
It's me, bro!
Father Brah, no way!
Yeah, I got promoted.
I can finally do confession now.
That's amazing, Father Brah.
Thanks, man, I've been meaning to say
thank you so much for the nickname.
Oh, yeah, glad you like it.
It was super easy to come up with.
Father Joseph, father Bro-seph,
Father bro, Father
Brah... Bam! Psh!
I mean, attendance has
shot through the roof
- since you did that, man.
- Nice!
Now, what's up, man? What can I do for you?
So, I've been with Valencia for, like,
forever and I know we're
meant to be together.
But someone recently said something to me.
I don't want to say who.
Greg.
- It was Greg, mm-hmm.
- He said something to me
that on one level I didn't think was true.
But on another level it is true.
So there are, like, two things
going in in my brain right now.
Two things are a lot for one brain.
Okay, so let's simplify.
What's really bothering you?
Just tell me straight
up from your heart, dude.
I think I might be attracted
to someone besides Valencia.
Don't get me wrong.
I still love Valencia.
But there is another girl.
Yeah, I hear you, J-town, I mean,
look, let...
Tell you what.
Let's take this to a higher court.
So, you're saying that one
day, you want to marry Valencia,
have kidlings and, like,
live happily ever after.
Right, so then, when I find myself
thinking about this other girl...
- That's a foul, dude.
- I know, I feel terrible!
No, I mean, like, like, watch your elbows.
Oh. So, I think about Rebecca's smile,
you know, her hair, her boobs, her butt,
her... boobs.
Well, it's natural to
have those feelings, dawg.
But it's not just that
Rebecca makes me feel great.
You know, she believes in me
in a way that nobody else does.
Well, that's... major.
And that's not all.
I do other things that are sinful.
I've had premarital sex.
Lots of it. And sometimes I watch
adult content and I take care of myself.
And I don't mean in the
vitamin/exercising kind of way.
Okay, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
Look, dude.
The way I see
it... you're lucky.
No, man, this moral crisis you're having?
It's a chance to look within.
Like, God is personally inviting
you to take stock of your life.
So, here's an assignment, okay?
For, like, the next 24 hours,
what I want you to do is
write down all the thoughts
that you think are sinful.
Okay.
God is challenging you, man.
It's an opportunity.
- Just like this is an opportunity.
- Oh, come on.
Oh, nothing but net!
And Christ!
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh,
oh-oh, oh-oh... ♪
Oh, Madison, she was such a fussy baby.
I mean, she would cry all night long.
I mean, these ear-piercing
screams, but you know what?
Are you listening to me?
Yeah, sorry, I-I am.
Anyway, she had this first grade teacher,
- who was an amazing listener...
- Hey! Hey!
Uh... do you know where Greg went?
He went home.
Wait, how'd I miss him?
He went through the back door?
Wait.
I know you...
You're that lady
on the dartboard in the storage room.
Oh.
That's how we kid.
Me and Greg, yeah.
We make a joke about the other per on
in another room that the
other person will never see,
and then we never tell
the other person about it.
It's so funny.
Oh, give him my regards.
Nice meeting you.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
You know, I'm...
- I think I got to call it a day.
- Oh...
I got to go home and think about this case.
I just don't know if
there's enough evidence here
to redo the custody arrangements.
Oh, but you have to come up with something.
Wait!
Rebecca, look.
I need you to understand
this is not just another case.
And this is not just a favor
you're doing for your boss.
This means everything to me.
Madison is my sun and my moon.
She is the candle in the
window that guides me home.
She's the cream in my coffee!
Okay, dude, I got to stop you, sorry.
Uh, maybe it's because my
father's an abandoning coward.
Could be that, but I feel like
you should dial back
the whole daddy-daughter love thing.
It sounds a little like... Amber Alert.
What?! What are you talking about?
A father's love for a daughter
is one of the purest loves on earth!
Oh, no.
I just wish I could explain
how I feel about her.
I'm gonna try.
♪ Daddy's little girl ♪
♪ princess of my world ♪
♪ I never knew a beauty
like this before ♪
♪ so clever and cute ♪
♪ an angel with an attitude ♪
♪ I want her all mine all of the time ♪
♪ I know songs like
this can come off weird ♪
♪ but there's nothing weird ♪
♪ about helping daddy trim his beard ♪
♪ dads do that ♪
♪ 'cause I love my daughter ♪
♪ but not in a creepy way ♪
♪ no, I realize father-daughter
love comes off that way ♪
♪ I just love my daughter ♪
♪ but again, not in a creepy way ♪
♪ the father-daughter dates
surrounded by adorable girls ♪
♪ but there's only
one that's got my eye ♪
♪ her feet on my shoes ♪
♪ her hands on my hips ♪
♪ yeah, it's a weird visual
now that I think of it ♪
♪ I know lines like that
can skeeve people out ♪
♪ but when it comes to tickling ♪
♪ She about to get it now ♪
♪ I'm very careful where
I tickle my daughter ♪
♪ never inappropriately ♪
♪ I can see how that came out ♪
♪ a bit confusingly ♪
♪ I just love my daughter ♪
♪ but seriously, not in a creepy way ♪
♪ one day she'll fall in love ♪
♪ and I'll give her away ♪
♪ not like I ever had her ♪
♪ what a weird thing to say ♪
♪ I can see it now ♪
♪ she'll look just like her mom ♪
♪ granted, I did have
sex with her mom ♪
♪ oh, but this is different,
'cause I love my daughter ♪
♪ but not in a love-love way ♪
♪ did you get what I... ♪
♪ What I mean to say is ♪
♪ I'll just stop talking ♪
♪ having a daughter ♪
♪ is weird. ♪
You know what?
That was actually kind of moving.
Really?
Yes.
And it gave me a brilliant idea.
Is Madison home from school yet?
Don't look so sad.
You will get your
pho... thank you.
You'll get them back at
the end of the workday,
which may be midnight.
I got to go... some
bitch wants my phone.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna strangle you.
Put it in. Put it in. Put it in the box!
Thank you.
This is my gumball machine!
It is not your gumball machine!
- It is everybody's gumball machine.
- No!
You are not Don Draper!
Darryl is so damn disorganized.
Some of the papers in here are so old.
Oh, good news.
I found a coupon from Blockbuster.
The Color Purple is now
available on laser-disc.
Okay, that's strange.
Paula, Paula?
I have a weird tampon thing happening.
Bup, bup, bup! Karen, shut it down.
Oh, Tim.
Oh.
Hi, Paula.
So now you know my name.
Interesting.
Listen, I'm sorry about...
Bup, bup, bup, bup. Did you say "about"
or "a-boot"?
That's right, Timster.
I know the truth.
Please, you can't tell anyone.
Don't tell anyone what?
That you're not an American citizen?
That you've been working
in this country illegally
on an expired visa, because
you're really Canadian?
Paula, please, I need this job.
I alienated everyone
in my firm in Winnipeg.
- Shocking.
- I came out to L.A. for a convention.
I met Darryl at a strip club.
We would never speak of again.
I gave him some fake
documents and he never noticed!
You know what?
I saw through that phony
work permit right away.
I've been at the firm ever since,
watching my long Os
and pretending not to like hockey.
It's been so difficult.
Yeah, no, it sounds harrowing.
Look, I know you hate me.
And now you got a reason to get rid of me.
But I am begging you.
Paula, what are you gonna do?
I don't know.
Because I'm gonna have to talk to Pamela,
and she is a real bitch.
This one is Snail-y Minaj.
This one is Snail-or Swift.
And this one is Snail-y Rae Jepsen.
Maybe you should name one escargot.
I'm sorry.
That was... it was a...
It was a joke, get it?
You're here to talk
about my parents, right?
Rebecca, you know what,
I'm-I'm not too sure about this.
Look, honey, I just don't want to put you
in the middle of this whole thing...
You know, Madison,
I think we can tell
the judge what you want.
Oh, that's easy... I
want to live with my dad.
"I want to live with Madison's dad.
He's the best."
Well, thank you, Iggy A-snail-ya.
I appreciate that.
So, Madison, I'm here to
help you get what you want.
So if there's anything you could think of
that would help me win this case...
- Well, let me see.
- Yeah, uh-huh.
- You know what, this is a mistake.
- It's fine. No, shh.
Oh.
Well, sometimes my mom
leaves me home by myself,
and I went on her iPad
to see where she was,
and turns out she goes
to a motel with her boss.
That's something, right?
Oh, come on, Tim's a dick.
We can finally get rid of him,
send him back to the land
of universal health care and nice people.
I know.
He's got kids, and they're cute.
They're probably jerks, too.
Like, little Justin Bieber jerks.
You know it's true.
Wow, this place is so quiet and tidy.
What'd you do?
She broke our spirit.
Great.
Okay, you're not gonna believe
what has been happening around here.
First of all, Karen has been
hoarding all the calcium chews.
Okay, Paula, I really want
to hear about all this,
but I actually got to get to the courthouse.
I scheduled an emergency
hearing for Darryl today.
A hearing already?
Yeah. Wow.
Yeah, I'm gonna bust this case wide open.
And when I do...
Suck it, Greg.
♪ Greg's gonna suck it,
Greg's gonna suck it ♪
♪ Greg's gonna suck
it... ah, yeah! ♪
Your honor, what is the emergency?
I have a business trip to the Caymans.
My plane is leaving today.
Your honor, may we begin?
What's up, YouTubers?
It's episode three of
The Snailysitters Club.
She has a YouTube channel?
I know, right?
Everybody has a YouTube channel.
Even weird Karen from my office.
So tonight, just like last Friday,
my mom is with her boss at the motel,
and I'm with the best
babysitters in the world...
My snails, holla!
This week is super exciting
'cause me and my snails
are gonna make s'mores
on the gas stove.
Left alone.
Gas stove.
Some mores.
Your honor, she is very mature.
And I was only gone for a couple minutes.
Half hour at the most.
How long were you sleeping with him? Hmm?
You worked there for five years.
The whole five years?
Yeah, but he doesn't talk
about his feelings all the time.
And he doesn't cry at cat food commercials.
Your honor, the evidence
of neglect is irrefutable.
Ms. Bunch, I have to agree with you.
Mr. Whitefeather,
I'm granting you
temporary full custody of your daughter.
Yes.
Mrs. Whitefeather, you will
have supervised visitation
until the custody arrangements
are fully finalized.
Supervi...
Great.
Thank you so much
for your attention in
this matter, your honor.
Justice has indeed
been served.
You are a good person.
He is a good person.
We are good person.
♪ ♪
♪ I'm a good person, yes, it's true ♪
♪ I'm a good person...
Better than you ♪
♪ I'm a good person, can't you see? ♪
♪ Doctors without borders
don't have nothing on me ♪
♪ I'm a good person,
and if you ask why ♪
♪ I'll spit my good
right into your eye ♪
♪ everywhere I go,
I spread such bliss ♪
♪ and if you don't think so ♪
♪ you can kiss... my ass...
Which is made of good ♪
Hey, that mic cost $300!
♪ Didn't you know that
I'm a good person? ♪
♪ I'm pure angel through and through ♪
♪ doesn't it show that
I'm a good person? ♪
♪ So much gooder than you and you ♪
♪ and you and you and you ♪
♪ I'm a good person, that's my thing ♪
♪ my nickname is mother
Teresa Luther king ♪
♪ I'm a good person...
Get it straight ♪
♪ and when I say good, I
really mean great, the best ♪
♪
♪humble and blessed ♪
♪ news flash, douche bags ♪
♪ I'm a good person ♪
♪ do what I can for you all the time ♪
♪ that's how I am,
'cause I'm a good person ♪
♪ I always find time to be kind ♪
Choking.
Sorry, so busy.
♪ I'm a good, such a
good, real good person ♪
♪ I'm a good person
through and through ♪
♪ I'm a good, such a
good, real good person ♪
♪ let me hear you say it, too ♪
Say it.
Say it or I'll kill your husband.
I'll do it, I'll gut him like a fish.
You're a good
person. Aw, thank you.
♪ I'm a good, such a
good, real good person ♪
♪ I'm a good person, yes, it's true ♪
♪ I'm a good, such a
good, real good person ♪
♪ I'm a good person, get it? ♪
♪ Screw you. ♪
Let's celebrate.
- Darryl?
- Mm-hmm?
What's wrong? We got what we wanted.
Oh, look at Madison.
- She's so happy.
- I know. It's great.
I just... my whole life was a lie,
but I'll get used to that.
Yeah, you will!
Yeah! That's the spirit.
Barkeep.
Your finest champagne.
And, ooh, let's see, a mint
chocolate chip ice cream
for the young lady.
Sorry, Context...
May I present to you a family reunited.
What do you suggest?
I got Darryl temporary custody.
Okay.
So?
Well, "so"... You said that
I was a terrible person.
But clearly now I'm not.
You're... never mind.
What do you mean, "never mind"?
What do you mean, "never mind"?
Son of a...
Hey!
My God, I don't understand you.
What are you doing? You can't come in here.
Oh, just listen to me... I'm out
there trying to help somebody,
and all I ask is for your forgiveness,
and you won't even give it to me.
Why?
Wow.
Either you truly hate me or
you're super good at darts.
Why do you care what I think?
I'm not your priest.
I just care, okay?
Look, I know... I know that I messed up.
And I know that it was, like, so wrong
to sleep with another guy on our date.
I made a mistake.
And so please just forgive
me, because I'm imperfect.
Why is that so hard?
Rebecca, let me be clear here.
Unless you
can Un-have-sex
with that guy you ditched
me for on our date,
I don't care what you do.
You could save the world, Avengers-style.
So this is about sex.
Why didn't you say so?
That's an easy thing to rectify.
Let's do it, let's do it. It's safe...
I'm on the ring.
What are you...? No.
Yeah, let's get these puppies
out of the cage. Stop it, stop it.
Let these puppies
out of their crate.
Stop it, what is...
what is wrong with you?
I-I'm supposed to forget what happened
because you took a case and
got some guy temporary custody?
"Temporary."
I get it.
What?
I get it, I get it.
Yeah, uh-huh, yeah.
I don't get it. What?
Okay, so new plan.
I'm not gonna get you temporary custody.
Instead, how would you like it
if I got you permanent custody?
What? Wait.
Yep, that's right. Mmm.
I'm gonna get
you permanent custody.
I'm gonna do it right now.
I missed that part.
Sorry, that was cryptic, let me explain.
I'm gonna go to the bank, withdraw $10,000,
and plant it in your wife's suitcase,
because it's illegal to take
that amount of money over the border.
So when she tries to fly
to the Cayman Islands,
they'll find it and arrest her,
and you'll get permanent custody.
That's all cleared up.
Okay, I'm gonna go to the bank. Bye!
Oh, she's bananas.
What the hell are you doing?!
What up?
'Sup?
- You got a game?
- Yeah.
Interfaith League, playing
The Chosen Ones today.
Cantor Goldstein's got this killer move.
He calls it the torah,
'cause you can't touch it.
Uh, here-here's my list of sins.
Uh, I printed it out.
You did it,
man... good on you.
All right.
Okay, so you went to the mall
and you saw a sexy mannequin
and you wanted to have sex with it.
And then you saw another sexy mannequin
and you wanted to have
sex with that one, too.
And then you saw a sexy girl at the mall
and you wanted her to watch you have sex
with two sexy mannequins.
According to this list, you
thought about Rebecca a lot.
Like, a lot a lot.
And all day yesterday,
did you act on any of
these sinful thoughts?
No.
Bro-heem, you're good.
What matters is what you
do, not what you think.
What God cares about are our actions.
That's all.
So you admire Rebecca for
her brains and her beauty.
I understand that.
What's important is...
What are you gonna do about these feelings?
What happened?
Is there something wrong with Madison?
Is that why you're here?
No.
You know what? I'm here for justice.
Okay.
I don't know what that
means, but please stop.
You've taken my daughter away.
Isn't that enough?
I haven't taken your daughter away.
You abandoned your daughter.
You left her in a house
with nothing but snails?
I mean, who does
that? Bup-bup-bup!
You have some nerve.
So I made some bad mistakes,
but I do want what's best for my daughter.
I mean, I love her so much.
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to know that your child
prefers their father?
Well, no, I don't have kids, personally.
- Shocking.
- But...
I mean, it-it sounds hard.
It all sounds hard.
What would you know about
what I've been through?
You're just some soulless lawyer.
Oh, yeah, I saw you pump your fist
when the judge gave my daughter away.
How dare you?
Why in the world would
you even take on this case?
What's wrong with you?
I...
What is wrong with me?
Off the top of my head,
I'd say low self-esteem,
a lack of maternal affection
and a genetic predisposition
for anxiety and depression.
I did not think that was
where you were gonna go.
God...
Because of that lack
of any parental validation,
I always seek outside
validation from others.
And somehow I've made Greg
my new moral arbiter in this town.
Okay.
You know what?
I can fix this.
We can fix this.
Come with me. Come with me.
Who the hell is Greg?
Do you know what?
You have the softest hair.
What do you want me to say, people?
That she doesn't have the softest hair?
And I don't watch her at
night when she's sleeping?
'Cause I do.
She's a little angel.
Right?
That's my girl.
Mommy! You came to my game!
I decided to postpone my trip.
- Oh.
- You're with the crazy lady.
- Hey...
- Well, okay.
Crazy is a pejorative term
and it's an over-generalization
of a number of disorders... what?
That was so funny, when you pretended
like you were gonna put
money in my mom's suitcase.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
Okay. So, Darryl...
- Hmm?
- Stacey and I
had a talk and we agree
that we can settle this
custody arrangement together.
Yeah.
We don't want to damage
Madison with our disagreements.
That can lead to a whole lot of problems.
Ask Rebecca.
Yeah. But don't ask me.
Seriously, don't.
You don't want the whole spiel.
So, yes,
I believe that we can come up with
a fair and equitable arrangement
without involving a judge.
Does that sound good?
Sounds great.
Great.
Stacey, thank you so
much for understanding.
Can I have my cash back now?
I already bought a hot tub.
No...
Now, uh, let's go watch your game, guys.
- Yeah!
- Sure.
There we go.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
There you go.
She had flyaways.
Can't have her walking around like that.
I guess I just realized
family is important.
I was letting my own self-interest
get in the way of that.
So Stacey and I worked out
what's best for Madison,
and, you know, at the end of the day,
I just feel really good about it.
Yeah, you're a good little munchkin.
Thanks.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
Tim!
Get in here!
I've made a decision.
Just... give me a couple hours
to tell my family, okay?
You know, I want to turn you in so much,
because you are
an actual piece of garbage.
But here's the thing:
Your family looks sweet,
and I have no problem ruining your life,
but their lives...
Oh, my God, Paula, are...
Are you not gonna turn
me in to the federales?
Don't pretend you have the plight
of an actual immigrant, dickweed.
I'm sorry.
I'll change, I promise.
Yeah, I doubt it.
That's like asking Karen
to not talk about tampons.
Actually, I just switched
to those new menstrual cups,
which I can't figure out.
Who wants to help me?
I hate her.
♪ ♪
What?
I think his kids are cute, okay?
They remind me of my kids in good times,
when they were young...
You know, before they could talk
and steal money from my purse.
I haven't gone soft.
Stop saying that.
_
Stop it.
_
Don't get mushy, you're making me blush.
_
Remember, don't tell anyone.
Then it's not really a good deed.
_
You always know what to say.
♪ ♪
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I don't want your forgiveness, I'm just...
I'm really sorry.
I got stuck on, like,
wanting you to say I was a good person,
because if you believed it,
then somehow I could believe it, too.
I can't say you're a good person,
but I saw what you did for Darryl today,
so I can say you're a good friend.
Not to me... like,
definitely not to me...
But to other people that aren't me.
So now that we're kind of talking again...
Do you think I could get a free beer?
Because I'm down $10,000...
Uh-uh. No.
That's fair.
Wait, you settled the Caswick case?
I know!
That was Cas-quick.
Oh.
Well, somebody got a new stapler. Hmm!
Wait. Seriously, Paula, this is amazing.
Like, how did you do it?
Uh, I think you mean
how did Pamela do it? Eh?
Dude, it's Paula,
and that joke is super old.
Oh, okay.
See, Jim's like, "oh, duh, okay." "Duh..."
Oh... oh, he has no friends.
Oh, look how sad he is.
Oh, he's so sad.
Oh, he's crying like a little baby.
Oh...
Now go wash my car, Tim.
Okay.
Well, I don't know what
you did, but I'm impressed.
Thank you.
- So, let's get to work.
- All right.
Right when I get back, in a few minutes.
Say hi to Josh for me.
It's not... I didn't move here...
Uh...
Hey.
Hi, you texted?
Yeah, I-I just, uh...
I wanted to talk to you.
About what Greg said.
It really got me thinking.
- Yeah.
- About me and you.
And what's going on between us.
Oh... oh.
Um...
Oh, 'cause... uh-huh.
Do tell?
Rebecca, I've really looked within
and thought about everything and...
I've made my choice.
O-okay.
I want you to know,
I am attracted to you.
Very,
very attracted to you.
Attracted to you... attracted to you...
But the thing is...
I love Valencia.
I plan on staying committed to her.
Attracted to you, attracted to you...
- Rebecca, are you listening to me?
- Yeah!
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Yep. Mm-hmm.
Joyce!
You are never gonna believe
what Josh just said to me.
Hey, guys. Um, welcome to
"getting real with Karen."
This week's review:
The Beaver Dam Menstrual Cup by Lady Works.
My review, in short? My
cup runneth over. Not good.