Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Episode #1.13 - full transcript
Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
Uh...
That has Josh's name on it.
That makes sense.
He was barely here.
My girlfriend is 20
feet through that wall,
and I'm standing here.
I got to go.
Audra Levine just got married.
Also, she got the
promotion you didn't take.
I was dead to him.
He didn't want to spend
any more time with me,
and oh, we were getting so close.
I'm going to fix this.
All we need is some random guy.
Ooh, Trent.
Oh, that's a perfect
name for a fake boyfriend.
I'm a both-sexual.
The term is, uh, bisex...
The water is being diverted
away from the San Gabriel Valley
and towards Los Angeles.
Paula, this case can't be over,
because Josh and I are
having the best time.
Okay, so I found something out.
So did I.
Trent? Baby?
♪ I was working hard
at a New York job ♪
♪ Making dough but it made me blue ♪
♪ One day I was crying a lot ♪
♪ And so I decided to move ♪
♪ To West Covina, California ♪
♪ Brand-new pals and new career ♪
♪ It happens to be
where Josh lives ♪
♪ But that's not why I'm here ♪
- ♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend
♪ - What? No, I'm not.
♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪
That's a sexist term.
♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪
Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?
♪ She's so broken inside ♪
The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.
♪ C-R-A-Z-Y ♪
Okay! We get it!
Oh, honey.
So what are you,
uh, doing here, because, uh,
you said that you were
going to meet me at home?
Yeah, I was, but then
your friend called,
and so here I am.
He's not your boyfriend.
He can't be.
That picture
that you said you took of him
a few weeks ago in Palm Springs,
that was taken five years ago.
Yes, it was. It was. Fair.
Um, and that has a
very good explanation.
And that is...
No, it's, um...
Okay.
It's because I clearly labeled it wrong.
It's dumb.
Look, honey, I don't know what
this girl's problem is, but you and I
- have dinner plans later.
- Yeah.
- So I will see you at home.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Oh.
All right.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Oh.
Uh, um, he was nice.
Yeah, he loves kissing
with tongue.
Josh, oh, my gosh, okay,
so this case we've been working on,
dude, it's like so much bigger
than what I initially thought.
It's about, like, all of the landlords,
and they're in cahoots with a
multi-billion dollar company,
and they're exploiting... everybody.
Like, this could be the biggest
case the county's ever seen.
- Wow, really?
- Yes,
so I need your help. I need you
to meet me at Whitefeather
in an hour, and together
we're going to blow this case wide open.
Sure.
Great!
Okay, uh, the rest of
you, I will see you later.
I'm going to go
kiss my boyfriend some more.
Sorry about the loudness of the pants.
I don't know why people fish in these.
You'd think the sound
would scare away the fish.
No.
No. No, no.
This is not right.
He is not her boyfriend.
I can, I can feel it.
God, I'm an idiot.
What am I, what am, what
am I even doing here?
I got caught up in Bunchsanity again.
I'm a moron.
I have, I have to go.
I'm late picking Heather up.
I'm going to just
forget that I was here.
But...
My advice to the two of you
is to stop obsessing about Rebecca.
Nothing good can come of it.
I guess I was wrong.
I'm, I'm sorry, I...
Okay, babe.
Babe, just take a deep breath.
This, this has gotten
way out of hand. Well...
I know you don't like her, I get it,
but this case could be something great.
Not just for us, but
for a lot of people.
Just trust me, okay?
Okay.
I trust you.
Nose?
Nose.
Hey.
I'm, uh, heading back to work.
I got a big case breaking,
so I just wanted to say,
uh, thank you for that kiss.
Wow.
- So, uh, anyway, I'll see you later.
- Yeah.
Unless you want to kiss
again, for any reason.
Okay.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- That worked.
- Okay.
So anyway, I was thinking, uh,
maybe later, we would, uh,
go out for a
little bev-er-age.
What's the, uh, what's that
accent? What are we doing?
I don't know.
I don't know, I'm sorry.
But what do you think?
Do you want to maybe
go get a drink later?
- Yeah. Sure. Why not?
- All right.
We can just go to Home Base.
Or, um, Jimmy's House of Spirits
has a great Chardonnay.
Well, the thing is, I was thinking
that maybe I would take you to
La City of Los Angeles.
Hmm.
Accent happened again.
I'm... I don't know what's going on.
It keeps coming up.
So ju-just to be clear,
you, you want to get a drink,
but just not any place where
people we know might see us.
Exactly.
Okay, look, Darryl, I am cool with
whatever you need to
do in your own life,
it's all good, but I'm not
going to go back into the closet.
Not for anybody.
I didn't come out until I was 12.
Those were some tough years.
Oh, no, no, no. I
didn't mean it like that.
No, no, it's okay.
I got to go, 'cause I...
I have a client, I just remembered,
so I will, uh, talk to you later.
Guys, guys, guys, listen up.
All of the local landlords are
being bribed to divert water
from the San Gabriel
Valley to Los Angeles.
I mean, God, it's insane.
It's like the movie Chinatown.
It, it's like Chin... you guys, g...
Guys, you've seen Chinatown, right?
- I've never even heard of it. No.
- No.
- What?!
- Sorry.
Critics say it's like one of
the top ten movies of all time.
Well, now I got to see
it. All right. I guess.
Okay, when this case is over,
we're going to have a movie night.
- Okay, I don't, I don't know
- Yeah, okay.
About "China Time" or whatever
you're talking about,
but I do know about injustice, okay?
And these guys are being
bribed to divert water
from the San Gabriel
Valley into Los Angeles.
So what we're going to do
is we're going to get Joshes
from all over the Valley.
All over. Yes, we are
going to get plaintiffs
from everywhere and
we're going to make this
the largest class action lawsuit
L.A. County has ever seen.
Awesome.
Okay, so we need to
start calling people,
like right now.
Get as many people involved
in this thing as we can.
Okay, you heard her, everyone,
let's get on the horn.
Well, I-I-I'm in.
How can I help?
Uh, you have friends and
family all over the Valley.
Right, I do.
Monrovia, El Monte, City of Industry,
Diamond Bar, Alhambra.
Right, right, all the places,
so yeah, uh, go, call them.
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
You're the best.
You should lock your back patio.
I'm worried about your security.
Oh, my God, are... you?
Are you going to kill me?
No! Why would I kill you?
- I love you.
- What?
Rebecca Bunch, I have loved you
since the moment that I saw you
freshman year in the cafeteria.
You were eating a mac
and cheese sandwich.
Remember?
And then, last week, out of nowhere,
you friended me on Facebook
and then some lady called me
and said that she thought
I was your boyfriend.
I mean, what are the odds?
So weird, right?
Weird is a word for it.
Yeah.
Trent, so first of all,
I can not thank you enough
for covering for me back there.
I mean, you were such a smooth liar
and a very, um, passionate kisser.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Yeah.
And you seem like an interesting guy.
Oh, I am interesting.
I own my own computer programming firm,
and I almost invented Twitter,
but I thought, eh, no
one's going to use that.
- Huh.
- And I have a pet lizard,
and I drag boulders
and trees for fitness.
- Those facts are so fun.
- Oh, cool.
Like the definition of fun facts.
But, um, dude,
- this isn't happening.
- Right.
You're not, we're not going
to have a relationship.
Oh.
This is really weird.
I know that the whole situation
I got you into was weird, but like
- this can't happen right now.
- It's weird, yeah.
Yeah, okay, so you
see it? This is weird.
- A hundred percent.
- So you got to go.
Yeah. Oh.
I don't want to have to
go back to your friends
and tell them I don't know you.
I would much rather stay
here and make you dinner.
How about that?
Are you blackmailing me?
Oh, you know what they say,
one person's blackmailing is
another person's love story.
Who says that?
Me. I do.
Got it from a phrase book.
Okay.
Let's just have a quiet night at home
and reconnect, huh?
Do you like couscous? I do.
Do you like Tarantino? I don't.
He spent the night at your apartment?
Thank you, thank you so much.
Yes, and before you say anything,
dude makes a great dinner.
And then, he-he drew me a
bath and massaged my feet.
It wasn't weird, I wore a bathing suit.
Okay, maybe you should call the police.
The pol... and tell them what?
I made up a fake boyfriend
and now that fake boyfriend
wants to be my real boyfriend? No.
I'm not going to do that.
Look, this guy's fine.
I knew a million guys like
him in college, trust me.
He's into all this now
and then he'll see me
eat a piece of ham off the
ground and he'll move on.
Ooh, there's Josh. Just
shut up about this.
- Um, I think Rebecca and Paula...
- Oh, hey.
Hi.
Yeah, they're, they're...
Yep.
This is so exciting.
I've always wanted to work here.
This place is so weird.
A sports bar,
but with kids running around,
where the moms look like hookers
and the hookers look like moms.
I love it.
Are you sure it's a good
idea to recommend me, though?
I've quit like almost
every place in town.
You just haven't had
the right coworker, yet.
Are you sure you want
your GF around 24/7?
What? Yes, of course.
Why wouldn't I?
You have my undivided attention here,
and in my heart... and soul.
What?
Thank you very much.
I've got Irwindale.
I got Citrus.
I got La Puente.
And I got donuts.
Yeah, I was hungry.
Uh, Rebecca, there's some
people here to see you.
George, what did I say
about interrupting us
while we're doing work?
Right, but they said they're
from Greater City Water,
and it's urgent.
Oh.
They must have heard
about all the calls we're making
and the motions we're filing,
and that water company's
confidence has evaporated.
Evaporated.
Anyway, it's good news. It's great.
Oh. Oh! Oh.
- I thought you meant literally.
- Cool.
Wow, and we didn't even
have to go to court.
You're so cool.
I'm cool?
Thank you.
Rebecca,
before you say "no", like you did to the
- landlord,
- Yeah?
You know, that settlement
offer from last week,
let's hear their offer first, okay?
Darryl, trust me, they're scared.
They're only here to
fork over the cashola.
I've seen this a thousand times.
I hope so.
Come on, guys, let's go
- fleece these losers.
- Ha-ha.
Yeah, sure. I love a good fleecing.
Oh, my God.
What?
They brought in my
old firm from New York.
Are they good?
Yeah, they're like
Taylor Swift, Elon Musk
and Shonda Rhimes combined.
Oh, no, they brought her.
Who is that?
She looks like you used to.
That is Audra Levine.
Audra... Audra Levine.
Au-Au-Audra
Levine.
She has the life you
could've had, almost had,
but ruined with all
your ridiculous choices.
Oh, no.
- Levine.
- Bunch.
You look well.
You look like a farmer.
Well, now I regret saying you look well.
It's been a long time.
Audra, just give it up already.
It's not important.
Tell me what you got on the test.
- It's none of your business.
- Give it to me.
Stop.
You got a 97?
No one else got higher than a 90.
My mother says you cheat
and that's how you get
better grades than me.
No, I don't cheat.
That's ridiculous.
You're ridiculous.
Why are you always bothering me?
I mean, we're both losers
who have no friends,
so shouldn't we, you know,
team up or something?
Never.
I want to be the best
and you're in my way.
Sorry, not sorry.
Loser.
So,
what are you
and your team doing
slumming it out here?
Well, Greater City Water
has deep pockets
and wanted the best,
which you used to be,
and now you're here.
Slumming it is right.
This firm is a dump.
This town is a dump.
It is not.
Honestly, it's not so great.
Bunch, I'm here to give you an out.
We are here with a settlement offer.
Great, we'd love to hear it.
Rebecca, don't say anything.
Our offer is...
... no settlement.
What? Wait a minute.
So when you said
there was a settlement
offer, there is no of...
Wh... That was just a dirty trick?
Oh, you're good.
Well, frankly,
you have no case, and no shot,
and no idea how to blend your
foundation at your jawline,
so you need to back off,
withdraw the case, and save yourself
the embarrassment of everyone
knowing that you're a loser.
Okay, let's tone it down.
No.
♪ This is real deep beef
from way back in the past ♪
♪ Deeper than I'll put a foot
up in the crack of your ass ♪
♪ Come on, let's do this ♪
♪ Your little pals can
witness how vicious ♪
♪ This Westchester alpha bitch is ♪
♪ I'm straight up malicious ♪
♪ A verbal curb stomper ♪
♪ Since we were toddlers,
I've studied every ♪
♪ Chink in your armor ♪
♪ And between your
folks' divorce, and that ♪
♪ Haircut on you,
I'm really not sure ♪
♪ Which one's the bigger shondeh ♪
♪ That means "disgrace" ♪
♪ I'm translating for the goys ♪
♪ Our life lines have been
parallel like corduroys ♪
♪ But now, we'll see
whose bars will prevail ♪
♪ In this beef of
two hard-as-nails ♪
♪ Shebrews from Scarsdale ♪
♪ We've got a conflict of interest ♪
♪ I'm about to give
Levine the business ♪
♪ Spittin' venomous hate ♪
♪ Penetrating her defenses ♪
♪ It's a JAP battle ♪
A what?
♪ A Jewish American Princess ♪
♪ Rap battle ♪
♪ Daughters of privilege ♪
♪ Spittin' mad flow ♪
♪ Find that term offensive? ♪
♪ Too bad, yo, oh, snap ♪
♪ It's a JAP battle rap ♪
♪ Look, academically,
you could never catch me ♪
♪ You were close, but
no match scholastically ♪
♪ Nohow, no way ♪
♪ I put the "O.G." in "5.0 G.P.A." ♪
♪ Well, speaking of which,
are you A.P. graded? ♪
♪ 'Cause these days you
look a bit heavily weighted ♪
♪ And all your book crackin' ♪
♪ Don't make up for the
fact that I'm strapped ♪
♪ With that killer
instinct that you lack ♪
♪ Sweetheart, here's what ♪
♪ You're not understanding,
I'm street-smart ♪
♪ You mean, 'cause you
minored in Urban Planning? ♪
♪ Bitch, I know you ♪
♪ That tough act's a bluff ♪
♪ So sheket bevaka
shut the hell up ♪
♪ Your temper, you
lost it, oh, cute ♪
♪ Like you're going
to lose this lawsuit ♪
♪ Keeping your piehole
shut would be quite wise ♪
♪ Though you kept it open
wide for the AEPI guys ♪
♪ And I banged your hedge
fund manager fiancé ♪
♪ Back in college
over winter holidays ♪
♪ Bathroom stall at the
matzo ball and honestly ♪
♪ I gotta say ♪
♪ Really not hot at all ♪
♪ Finished quick, rotten lay ♪
♪ This is... ♪
♪ A JAP battle ♪
♪ Bane of my existence ♪
♪ Your rhymes are facile ♪
♪ From Golden's Bridge ♪
♪ To North Castle ♪
♪ Wipe you off the map ♪
♪ In this JAP battle rap ♪
♪ Bunch, you're a
curse, you're a blight ♪
♪ We were frenemies at first spite ♪
♪ Think your verse is tight? ♪
♪ Then you're tripping
like birthright ♪
♪ I'll wipe the mirth right off ♪
♪ Your ugly mug and
fill you full of slugs ♪
♪ Like a straight up thug ♪
♪ Uh, that word is racist,
someone ought to tell you ♪
♪ Like me, I belong to the ACLU ♪
♪ Spare me, I'm a
card-carrying member ♪
♪ Plus, I spent a
semester in Kenya, remember?
♪ Well, I volunteered in Ghana ♪
♪ Well, I guess
that makes us equal ♪
♪ Well, it's settled then ♪
♪ We're both cool
with black people ♪
♪ 'Cause we're liberals ♪
♪ Duh, progressive as hell ♪
♪ Though, of course,
I support Israel ♪
♪ Audra, wait we
share so many traits ♪
♪ Should we shake hands ♪
♪ And erase the hate ♪
♪ Created by our mothers pitting ♪
♪ Us against each other for ♪
♪ Accolades and grades ♪
♪ We were egged on
like Seder plates ♪
Nah.
♪ In summation ♪
♪ You left New York ♪
♪ For this sunburnt shtetl ♪
♪ Now you're like "Oh,
Audra, let's settle" ♪
♪ You want to get salty
like the Dead Sea? ♪
♪ Word, but call off this suit ♪
♪ Or you're dead, see, word. ♪
Hmm.
Don't smirk at me, Connors.
She's a very angry young lady.
And so scary.
Are you sure you can beat her?
Of course I can.
Now let's get back to compiling evidence
and building the strongest case we can.
There you go.
- Great.
- All right.
Go team.
I scared.
- Greg.
- Hey.
Is this the girl, Heather,
you were telling me about?
This is her.
Greg says you want to work here.
Wow, you are really beautiful,
and you seem super cool.
Uh, thanks.
Kevin can be
aggressively nice, you're
not going to like it.
So tell me why you want to work here.
Well, Greg and I thought
it'd be fun to hang out
and spend time together
and maybe hook up in the stockroom
in our spare time.
We... we didn't say that.
Yeah, we did.
I like her honesty.
It's terrific.
And you can bang it out in the stockroom
whenever you want.
Okay, that's not hot any more.
You're hired.
Here's your apron, my lady.
You got a great girl here, Serrano.
- Shall we hug?
- Nah...
I got two arms, no waiting.
- No, I don't really like strangers...
- No waiting.
... touching me.
Oh, you.
What, you forgot I was here?
Yeah, kind of, I had a long day.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Dude, can you please leave?
But I made homemade tagliatelle.
- From scratch?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
- Leave after dinner.
- Okay.
- And after you do the dishes.
- Sure.
And after you clean the counter.
I don't want like raw eggs everywhere.
I'll do that.
Okay.
Oh, no, this is so
weird, I don't know you.
Does anyone really know anyone?
Yeah, lots of people
know lots of people.
I think you should
check your facts on that.
Look, I know that I'm
blackmailing you a little,
and I've been told that
that's not an appropriate
way to meet people.
No?
Fine, fine. Okay.
But I also really like you.
And you look like you've had a hard day,
and you just need someone
to take care of you.
So come on.
Tell me about your day.
No.
Okay.
Oh, so there's this bitch
I grew up with named Audra.
Oh, that's so good.
God, it you'd seen the
look in Audra's eyes, Trent,
I mean, she hates me.
She really hates me.
I mean, it's because
I'm smarter than her.
She's so insecure, I mean,
she went to Cornell, which as you know,
is like the community college
of Ivy League schools.
Why even go to college?
Like join the Navy.
Mmm, this is so good.
- Thank you.
- Anyway,
she's always hated me,
she'll do anything to beat me,
and now she has all the resources
of a powerful law firm behind her.
I feel so bad
because I promised all these
people that I'd help them,
and I-I didn't know they'd
bring in, like, the big guns.
I also feel bad
because I'm working with Josh,
you know, the guy that
you lied to. Oh.
Yeah, that Josh, and I'm just,
I'm terrified if I fail
that he will lose all respect for me.
Hey, look, no matter
what, I believe in you,
and that's what matters, right?
No.
Okay, uh, honey, you have
Bert, your water expert, right?
And you have all his
research, which you verified.
You have plaintiffs
from all over the Valley.
You're case is rock solid.
I just wish I had that one
piece of irrefutable evidence.
You'll find it.
Thanks for listening.
Yeah.
Okay, you can sleep at
the foot of my bed tonight.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Like a dog?
Yes, Trent, like a dog.
Okay.
Ugh, please don't look that excited.
It's just how I look.
You let him sleep on your floor?
Uh, it's fine, he didn't touch me.
And also, it wasn't weird.
I wore my bathing suit.
Please forget Trent.
Where are the plaintiffs?
We confirmed 50 people.
Traffic wasn't this bad
coming in from the east.
You don't think I should've specified
that it's a legal court,
not a food court, do you?
Maybe they got scared.
Yeah, taking on
a big corporation in
a big city is scary.
Maybe they feel like they
don't deserve to be heard.
You spend your whole life bottling away
what you need to let out.
Like a dormant volcano
just waiting to erupt.
What is up with you lately?
I don't know.
Oh, look, Josh. Hi, Josh.
Oh, there's Josh, he's going to think
I'm such a loser.
Hey, Josh, hi.
Hi. Wow, where is everyone?
Wow, where is everyone?
I was just in the snack-bar,
there's no one in there.
But don't worry, I got Skittles,
so I wouldn't get
chocolate on my new suit.
Isn't it great?
It was expensive, so I
put it on my credit card,
'cause... I know we're going to win.
Yes, that is right,
we are going to win this, big man.
- Yeah.
- Hey, guys.
Oh, a person.
Ugh, God, it's just White
Josh and his eight-pack.
What are you doing here?
Uh, I came for moral support.
Oh, for Josh.
No, dude.
Came to support you.
As friends, don't worry.
I'm not going to grab your
junk in public or anything.
Don't do that.
- J.K., dude.
- J.K.?
J.K. Rowling?
J.K., just kidding.
Stands for just kidding.
- Oh, just kidding.
- WiJo.
- Oh.
- Oh, hey, buddy.
Hey.
This is a disaster.
No one showed.
Josh is going to lose
all respect for me.
Okay.
All right, I'm just going to ovary-up,
and I'm going tell Josh that
this didn't work out, and...
And Monrovia is here.
El Monte is here.
South El Monte is here.
North El Monte is here.
Josh...
all the El Montes are here.
Sorry we were late.
There was traffic on the 10.
Anyway, we are here to
stand up for our rights.
We deserve hot water and
decent water pressure.
And we deserve clean dishes.
♪ Can you hear a trickling sound? ♪
♪ That's the leaky sink of change ♪
♪ It's a drip, drip, drip ♪
♪ That no handyman can fix ♪
♪ For we shall not be ignored ♪
♪ Till our honor is restored ♪
♪ And your basement is flooded ♪
♪ With justice ♪
♪ Soon the raging waters ♪
♪ Will crash upon the shore ♪
♪ When we sing of raging waters ♪
♪ It's not just a metaphor ♪
♪ What we mean is ♪
♪ It's also ♪
♪ A water park in San Dimas ♪
♪ But that's an aside ♪
♪ It's not what we're marching for ♪
♪ Can you hear a trickling sound? ♪
♪ That's the faulty
faucets of truth ♪
♪ It's a drip, drip, drip ♪
♪ That will make you go ♪
What is that?
♪ We shall not be denied ♪
♪ Till we restore our pride ♪
♪ And then we'll all go ♪
♪ To Raging Waters ♪
And we'll ride Dr. Von
Dark's Tunnel Of Terror!
Good idea, Baldwin Park.
Yeah!
♪ For we have had enough ♪
♪ Of Hollywood stealing our water ♪
♪ They're probably using it ♪
♪ To make party drugs and Oscars ♪
♪ Our precious water shouldn't be ♪
♪ Funneled to celebrities ♪
♪ No more water for BJ
Novak's ecstasy factory ♪
What?
♪ Can you hear a trickling sound? ♪
♪ That's the janky shower of glory ♪
♪ A drip, drip, drip ♪
♪ That will keep you up ♪
♪ All night, and then ♪
♪ You'll be late for work ♪
♪ And you won't be able to focus ♪
♪ And you'll come
home to a basement ♪
♪ That's been flooded ♪
♪ Flooded with justice... ! ♪
You ready?
Well, back to the ol' ecstasy factory.
Excuse me.
What are you looking for?
Uh, oh, wait,
I found it.
It's that water trial
that Rebecca's doing.
It's on local cable access.
I think it already started.
Your Honor,
we are all here today,
to try and redress an
egregious injustice.
Here you go.
- Bingo
- Hey, look at that!
It's Rebecca on the TV.
She's one of our regulars.
The one that orders those
custom cheeseburger pizzas.
Look, everyone, look!
It is classic case of the
common man being exploited
by corporate interests.
And I will prove today...
Man, she looks hot in her
little legal outfit, right?
I'd pound that gavel.
Guys, nobody wants to
watch this silly trial.
What are you...
Hey!
Yes, they do.
You may call your first witness.
Okay, it looks like we've
missed opening arguments,
but Rebecca's about to
present her witnesses.
I call to the stand, Joshua Chan.
That's Josh!
Hey, he's also one of our regulars.
He drinks his beer
right out of the bottle.
- I love that guy.
- Shh!
I'm just trying to hear the testimony.
Now, Josh, can you confirm
HEATHER: What is your problem?
That you were the first person
to alert the council of this problem?
Uh, yes, I can confirm
that I was the one
who alerted Ms. Bunch
to the water situation.
We noticed the hot water
going out about a month ago.
And I told my wife, "I hate you,
what did you do to the water"?
Then I realized it wasn't her fault.
We just thought, "Hey,
we're from Alhambra.
Maybe we just don't deserve a
fancy Los Angeles hot shower."
Let me be the first
person to tell you, you do.
She's doing great.
Greg, you see how
great our girl is doing?
Not my girl.
Not interested.
Next, I would like to call to the stand
a former employee of Greater City Water,
and a water technology expert...
That's me.
Excuse me.
Bert, thank you so much
for being here today.
My pleasure.
Oh, and thank you for
buying me this new suit.
It feels so good against my bare skin.
I don't believe in underwear.
So those documents
you have in your hand,
tell me, what are those, Bert?
That is research that I've
been compiling for years.
First, when I worked
at Greater City Water,
and then when I worked
on a very extensive
independent research project
nobody asked for or wanted to read.
That is, until you, Ms. Bunch.
Your Honor, I present
exhibits A through X.
Careful with that.
Your witness, Ms. Levine.
Oh, my God, look,
the scary opposing
lawyer's coming over now.
Boo!
Scary lawyer lady, boo.
You suck.
I do not like the look of her.
It looks like she orders
everything on the side.
Hello, Bert.
Hello, Ms. Lawyer.
What is your degree in?
Advanced hydro-engineering.
I have two Ph.D.s, as a matter of fact.
Wow, impressive.
Those are excellent credentials.
Thank you.
And how long did you work
at Greater City Water?
15 years.
Great, and how long have you
been a diagnosed schizophrenic?
16 years.
No further questions, Your Honor.
Wait, what?
Oh, no.
Oh, man.
Thought you weren't interested.
I'm not.
Your Honor, uh,
may we take a brief recess?
Yes, a-a recess so that I can go home.
The court will sit in recess.
He has a diagnosed of what... ?
What am I going to do?
She just knocked out Bert.
I mean, we can't lose him,
he's most of our case.
No, Trent, uh-uh, uh-uh, not now.
Tucked in turtleneck.
That's not a look you see every day.
Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt, babe,
but I have something for you.
That's really sweet, but
I'm not hungry right now.
No, I didn't cook today.
Instead, I hacked into the
Greater City Water server,
and I got you these.
These are e-mails.
These are e-mails that...
that clearly expose a cover-up.
Yeah.
Oh...
Oh, my God.
This is great.
This is great, we can
win the case with these.
Can I sleep in the bed now?
No.
Uh, just let me answer.
I mean, these are amazing.
We, we could win the case in a second.
Trent, Trent, Trent.
Oh, thank you so much,
um, but now, please leave.
Okay. Good luck.
Yeah, okay.
He looks like a Kennedy,
but a sober one.
Yeah, I figured it out.
It's like if two Kennedy cousins mated.
Totally. Yeah.
Okay, listen, I want
you to win this case
more than anyone,
but if anybody finds
out that this is stolen,
you, you are in big trouble.
I mean, who's going to tell them, Trent?
He won't, especially if I let
him sleep in the bed tonight.
Paula, we need this to win.
All those people are counting on us.
Think about it,
if Audra Levine had
these, would she use it?
Yes, because she is a monster.
Be seated.
Recess has ended.
Ms. Bunch, do you
have any more evidence,
or are you ready for
your closing statement?
Yes, Your Honor.
I, um...
I... would...
I...
Something's wrong.
What's going on?
I, um...
Let's play slaps.
Ha.
When I grow up,
I'm going to be the best at everything.
Me, too.
I'm going to get into
all the best colleges.
I'm going to get all the best jobs.
I'm going to live in the best house,
and the best second house.
Well, I'm going to be the happiest.
What? That's stupid.
Who cares about being happy?
Your Honor, what's going on?
Is she having a stroke?
Why is she staring at me?
Ms. Bunch?
Yes.
Sorry.
Your Honor,
this case really comes
down to a few simple facts,
and one of the most important facts
is that people who live
not 45 minutes from here,
two hours in rush hour, are being
relentlessly exploited
by a big fancy, greedy,
Los Angeles corporation.
Now, our documents prove that,
and I hope you don't
rule out Bert's evidence
just because, you know,
he's got a few issues.
Don't we all?
Yeah.
You know...
... six months ago,
I would have tried this
case very differently...
... but now, I'm a resident
of the San Gabriel Valley,
and... all I can do
is hold myself to the same standard
of integrity and honesty
of the people I represent.
Your Honor,
this is a community of
decent, hardworking people,
and they deserve a voice
just as much as anyone else.
So no matter what happens
today, win or lose,
I'm going to continue to fight for them
until they receive justice.
That's all I got.
Did you see that?
She's crazy.
Who goes into a courtroom
and says all of that?
She's... she's...
Oh, my God, I know what's happening.
- What?
- Look,
I've seen a lot of Hallmark movies
and the look on people's faces
before they run and
confess their feelings,
that's... your face.
No, no, no.
I used to like her, but...
But... you still do,
and I don't want to be your backup plan.
At are you saying?
I'm saying...
♪ Don't settle for me ♪
- What?
- ♪ Come on, dude ♪
♪ Don't settle for me ♪
♪ Trust me ♪
♪ I know guys ♪
♪ And that look in your eyes ♪
♪ Means you're in love ♪
Love?
Who are you all of a sudden?
Shut up and listen to my wise reprise.
♪ We've had some fun together ♪
♪ Hold on a second, Heather ♪
♪ But I need, like, so much more ♪
♪ I'm way too badass ♪
♪ To be someone you settle for ♪
Go see her, okay?
Be seated.
Recess has ended.
We are back in session.
Ms. Bunch.
I would like to begin by saying,
I truly admire your
dedication to your clients,
and the amount of passion
that you have for this case.
But I am afraid that Ms.
Levine and her colleagues
have raised sufficient
doubts about your evidence,
and therefore,
I must find in favor of the defendants,
Greater City Water.
Thank you, this court is adjourned.
Yes!
Excellent.
Hi, everyone.
Um,
everyone, I, uh...
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
♪ We have heard the
trickling sound ♪
♪ It's the faulty faucet of truth ♪
♪ It's a drip, drip, drip ♪
♪ That fills us all with pride ♪
♪ Slow clap, slow clap ♪
♪ Yes, we never saw the lies ♪
♪ Slow clap, slow clap ♪
♪ Until you opened our eyes ♪
♪ Now let's ♪
♪ All ♪
♪ Go to ♪
♪ Raging Waters... ♪
I don't understand.
They're not mad at me?
Mad at you?
You stood up to the bully.
You gave them a voice.
I am so proud of you.
Um, I'm just going to pack up.
I'll meet you outside, okay?
Well, it was a thrill
going up against you.
Thank you, Audra.
Especially, because now,
I think we can agree,
that I've just won, in general.
Yes, yes, you have.
But here's the thing.
You beat someone who
doesn't exist any more.
Yeah, I don't care. A win's a win.
Hey, Audra.
Take care of yourself, okay?
I know how hard your life can be.
Don't forget to be happy,
'cause... that's really important.
I am happy.
I'm so happy.
This is what happy feels like.
This is what happy feels like.
Why aren't you happy?
Why aren't you happy? Okay.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, Josh.
Look, I am so sorry.
I'm sorry I asked you to hide.
It was not right.
I am bisexual!
I'm going for drinks with this gay man,
whom I have a crush on.
He's way out of your league... nice job.
Hey, back off, dude.
He looks like Tom Selleck.
Sorry about that.
Well, should we go for that drink?
Yes, we... Right there.
- Under, yeah, there you go.
- Okay.
Ms. Bunch? I'm Paul Ramirez
from the metro desk at the paper.
You might have lost,
but I think you've uncovered
the biggest local story
since the City of Bell scandal,
and I promise you,
we're going to get to the bottom of it.
We will not less this go.
Great.
Hey, um...
This should help get you started.
You didn't get that from me.
I mean, you, look, you
did get that from me,
but if anyone asks you,
- "Did you get... "
- No, I get it, I get it.
Right, you get phrases, right.
Okay.
Hey.
Hey.
I, uh,
brought you some chocolate.
We can mess up our clothes, now.
Thanks.
Hey, um, I'm sorry.
Stop.
You were brave.
You were like... Rocky.
Or...
Creed, at-at least.
But, but which I loved.
Rebecca.
You're not... perfect.
No one is.
You tried really hard today.
I just wanted to make everyone happy.
And, I don't know,
I wanted you to be proud of me.
You wanted me to be... proud of you?
I didn't know you thought
about me that much.
Of course I do.
Well, do you think about me, like, too?
Oh, Greg, I'm sorry.
You're a nice guy, you really are,
but, I mean, those two in there,
they were just meant to be.
I mean, you have to see that now.
Okay, I understand, but
are you sure I have to go?
Yes, Trent.
But I never got a chance
to read you something.
I wrote you a letter.
Okay, fine.
Okay.
♪ Dear Rebecca Nora Bunch... ♪
Nope, uh-uh.
Uh...
That has Josh's name on it.
That makes sense.
He was barely here.
My girlfriend is 20
feet through that wall,
and I'm standing here.
I got to go.
Audra Levine just got married.
Also, she got the
promotion you didn't take.
I was dead to him.
He didn't want to spend
any more time with me,
and oh, we were getting so close.
I'm going to fix this.
All we need is some random guy.
Ooh, Trent.
Oh, that's a perfect
name for a fake boyfriend.
I'm a both-sexual.
The term is, uh, bisex...
The water is being diverted
away from the San Gabriel Valley
and towards Los Angeles.
Paula, this case can't be over,
because Josh and I are
having the best time.
Okay, so I found something out.
So did I.
Trent? Baby?
♪ I was working hard
at a New York job ♪
♪ Making dough but it made me blue ♪
♪ One day I was crying a lot ♪
♪ And so I decided to move ♪
♪ To West Covina, California ♪
♪ Brand-new pals and new career ♪
♪ It happens to be
where Josh lives ♪
♪ But that's not why I'm here ♪
- ♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend
♪ - What? No, I'm not.
♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪
That's a sexist term.
♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪
Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?
♪ She's so broken inside ♪
The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.
♪ C-R-A-Z-Y ♪
Okay! We get it!
Oh, honey.
So what are you,
uh, doing here, because, uh,
you said that you were
going to meet me at home?
Yeah, I was, but then
your friend called,
and so here I am.
He's not your boyfriend.
He can't be.
That picture
that you said you took of him
a few weeks ago in Palm Springs,
that was taken five years ago.
Yes, it was. It was. Fair.
Um, and that has a
very good explanation.
And that is...
No, it's, um...
Okay.
It's because I clearly labeled it wrong.
It's dumb.
Look, honey, I don't know what
this girl's problem is, but you and I
- have dinner plans later.
- Yeah.
- So I will see you at home.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Oh.
All right.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Oh.
Uh, um, he was nice.
Yeah, he loves kissing
with tongue.
Josh, oh, my gosh, okay,
so this case we've been working on,
dude, it's like so much bigger
than what I initially thought.
It's about, like, all of the landlords,
and they're in cahoots with a
multi-billion dollar company,
and they're exploiting... everybody.
Like, this could be the biggest
case the county's ever seen.
- Wow, really?
- Yes,
so I need your help. I need you
to meet me at Whitefeather
in an hour, and together
we're going to blow this case wide open.
Sure.
Great!
Okay, uh, the rest of
you, I will see you later.
I'm going to go
kiss my boyfriend some more.
Sorry about the loudness of the pants.
I don't know why people fish in these.
You'd think the sound
would scare away the fish.
No.
No. No, no.
This is not right.
He is not her boyfriend.
I can, I can feel it.
God, I'm an idiot.
What am I, what am, what
am I even doing here?
I got caught up in Bunchsanity again.
I'm a moron.
I have, I have to go.
I'm late picking Heather up.
I'm going to just
forget that I was here.
But...
My advice to the two of you
is to stop obsessing about Rebecca.
Nothing good can come of it.
I guess I was wrong.
I'm, I'm sorry, I...
Okay, babe.
Babe, just take a deep breath.
This, this has gotten
way out of hand. Well...
I know you don't like her, I get it,
but this case could be something great.
Not just for us, but
for a lot of people.
Just trust me, okay?
Okay.
I trust you.
Nose?
Nose.
Hey.
I'm, uh, heading back to work.
I got a big case breaking,
so I just wanted to say,
uh, thank you for that kiss.
Wow.
- So, uh, anyway, I'll see you later.
- Yeah.
Unless you want to kiss
again, for any reason.
Okay.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- That worked.
- Okay.
So anyway, I was thinking, uh,
maybe later, we would, uh,
go out for a
little bev-er-age.
What's the, uh, what's that
accent? What are we doing?
I don't know.
I don't know, I'm sorry.
But what do you think?
Do you want to maybe
go get a drink later?
- Yeah. Sure. Why not?
- All right.
We can just go to Home Base.
Or, um, Jimmy's House of Spirits
has a great Chardonnay.
Well, the thing is, I was thinking
that maybe I would take you to
La City of Los Angeles.
Hmm.
Accent happened again.
I'm... I don't know what's going on.
It keeps coming up.
So ju-just to be clear,
you, you want to get a drink,
but just not any place where
people we know might see us.
Exactly.
Okay, look, Darryl, I am cool with
whatever you need to
do in your own life,
it's all good, but I'm not
going to go back into the closet.
Not for anybody.
I didn't come out until I was 12.
Those were some tough years.
Oh, no, no, no. I
didn't mean it like that.
No, no, it's okay.
I got to go, 'cause I...
I have a client, I just remembered,
so I will, uh, talk to you later.
Guys, guys, guys, listen up.
All of the local landlords are
being bribed to divert water
from the San Gabriel
Valley to Los Angeles.
I mean, God, it's insane.
It's like the movie Chinatown.
It, it's like Chin... you guys, g...
Guys, you've seen Chinatown, right?
- I've never even heard of it. No.
- No.
- What?!
- Sorry.
Critics say it's like one of
the top ten movies of all time.
Well, now I got to see
it. All right. I guess.
Okay, when this case is over,
we're going to have a movie night.
- Okay, I don't, I don't know
- Yeah, okay.
About "China Time" or whatever
you're talking about,
but I do know about injustice, okay?
And these guys are being
bribed to divert water
from the San Gabriel
Valley into Los Angeles.
So what we're going to do
is we're going to get Joshes
from all over the Valley.
All over. Yes, we are
going to get plaintiffs
from everywhere and
we're going to make this
the largest class action lawsuit
L.A. County has ever seen.
Awesome.
Okay, so we need to
start calling people,
like right now.
Get as many people involved
in this thing as we can.
Okay, you heard her, everyone,
let's get on the horn.
Well, I-I-I'm in.
How can I help?
Uh, you have friends and
family all over the Valley.
Right, I do.
Monrovia, El Monte, City of Industry,
Diamond Bar, Alhambra.
Right, right, all the places,
so yeah, uh, go, call them.
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
You're the best.
You should lock your back patio.
I'm worried about your security.
Oh, my God, are... you?
Are you going to kill me?
No! Why would I kill you?
- I love you.
- What?
Rebecca Bunch, I have loved you
since the moment that I saw you
freshman year in the cafeteria.
You were eating a mac
and cheese sandwich.
Remember?
And then, last week, out of nowhere,
you friended me on Facebook
and then some lady called me
and said that she thought
I was your boyfriend.
I mean, what are the odds?
So weird, right?
Weird is a word for it.
Yeah.
Trent, so first of all,
I can not thank you enough
for covering for me back there.
I mean, you were such a smooth liar
and a very, um, passionate kisser.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Yeah.
And you seem like an interesting guy.
Oh, I am interesting.
I own my own computer programming firm,
and I almost invented Twitter,
but I thought, eh, no
one's going to use that.
- Huh.
- And I have a pet lizard,
and I drag boulders
and trees for fitness.
- Those facts are so fun.
- Oh, cool.
Like the definition of fun facts.
But, um, dude,
- this isn't happening.
- Right.
You're not, we're not going
to have a relationship.
Oh.
This is really weird.
I know that the whole situation
I got you into was weird, but like
- this can't happen right now.
- It's weird, yeah.
Yeah, okay, so you
see it? This is weird.
- A hundred percent.
- So you got to go.
Yeah. Oh.
I don't want to have to
go back to your friends
and tell them I don't know you.
I would much rather stay
here and make you dinner.
How about that?
Are you blackmailing me?
Oh, you know what they say,
one person's blackmailing is
another person's love story.
Who says that?
Me. I do.
Got it from a phrase book.
Okay.
Let's just have a quiet night at home
and reconnect, huh?
Do you like couscous? I do.
Do you like Tarantino? I don't.
He spent the night at your apartment?
Thank you, thank you so much.
Yes, and before you say anything,
dude makes a great dinner.
And then, he-he drew me a
bath and massaged my feet.
It wasn't weird, I wore a bathing suit.
Okay, maybe you should call the police.
The pol... and tell them what?
I made up a fake boyfriend
and now that fake boyfriend
wants to be my real boyfriend? No.
I'm not going to do that.
Look, this guy's fine.
I knew a million guys like
him in college, trust me.
He's into all this now
and then he'll see me
eat a piece of ham off the
ground and he'll move on.
Ooh, there's Josh. Just
shut up about this.
- Um, I think Rebecca and Paula...
- Oh, hey.
Hi.
Yeah, they're, they're...
Yep.
This is so exciting.
I've always wanted to work here.
This place is so weird.
A sports bar,
but with kids running around,
where the moms look like hookers
and the hookers look like moms.
I love it.
Are you sure it's a good
idea to recommend me, though?
I've quit like almost
every place in town.
You just haven't had
the right coworker, yet.
Are you sure you want
your GF around 24/7?
What? Yes, of course.
Why wouldn't I?
You have my undivided attention here,
and in my heart... and soul.
What?
Thank you very much.
I've got Irwindale.
I got Citrus.
I got La Puente.
And I got donuts.
Yeah, I was hungry.
Uh, Rebecca, there's some
people here to see you.
George, what did I say
about interrupting us
while we're doing work?
Right, but they said they're
from Greater City Water,
and it's urgent.
Oh.
They must have heard
about all the calls we're making
and the motions we're filing,
and that water company's
confidence has evaporated.
Evaporated.
Anyway, it's good news. It's great.
Oh. Oh! Oh.
- I thought you meant literally.
- Cool.
Wow, and we didn't even
have to go to court.
You're so cool.
I'm cool?
Thank you.
Rebecca,
before you say "no", like you did to the
- landlord,
- Yeah?
You know, that settlement
offer from last week,
let's hear their offer first, okay?
Darryl, trust me, they're scared.
They're only here to
fork over the cashola.
I've seen this a thousand times.
I hope so.
Come on, guys, let's go
- fleece these losers.
- Ha-ha.
Yeah, sure. I love a good fleecing.
Oh, my God.
What?
They brought in my
old firm from New York.
Are they good?
Yeah, they're like
Taylor Swift, Elon Musk
and Shonda Rhimes combined.
Oh, no, they brought her.
Who is that?
She looks like you used to.
That is Audra Levine.
Audra... Audra Levine.
Au-Au-Audra
Levine.
She has the life you
could've had, almost had,
but ruined with all
your ridiculous choices.
Oh, no.
- Levine.
- Bunch.
You look well.
You look like a farmer.
Well, now I regret saying you look well.
It's been a long time.
Audra, just give it up already.
It's not important.
Tell me what you got on the test.
- It's none of your business.
- Give it to me.
Stop.
You got a 97?
No one else got higher than a 90.
My mother says you cheat
and that's how you get
better grades than me.
No, I don't cheat.
That's ridiculous.
You're ridiculous.
Why are you always bothering me?
I mean, we're both losers
who have no friends,
so shouldn't we, you know,
team up or something?
Never.
I want to be the best
and you're in my way.
Sorry, not sorry.
Loser.
So,
what are you
and your team doing
slumming it out here?
Well, Greater City Water
has deep pockets
and wanted the best,
which you used to be,
and now you're here.
Slumming it is right.
This firm is a dump.
This town is a dump.
It is not.
Honestly, it's not so great.
Bunch, I'm here to give you an out.
We are here with a settlement offer.
Great, we'd love to hear it.
Rebecca, don't say anything.
Our offer is...
... no settlement.
What? Wait a minute.
So when you said
there was a settlement
offer, there is no of...
Wh... That was just a dirty trick?
Oh, you're good.
Well, frankly,
you have no case, and no shot,
and no idea how to blend your
foundation at your jawline,
so you need to back off,
withdraw the case, and save yourself
the embarrassment of everyone
knowing that you're a loser.
Okay, let's tone it down.
No.
♪ This is real deep beef
from way back in the past ♪
♪ Deeper than I'll put a foot
up in the crack of your ass ♪
♪ Come on, let's do this ♪
♪ Your little pals can
witness how vicious ♪
♪ This Westchester alpha bitch is ♪
♪ I'm straight up malicious ♪
♪ A verbal curb stomper ♪
♪ Since we were toddlers,
I've studied every ♪
♪ Chink in your armor ♪
♪ And between your
folks' divorce, and that ♪
♪ Haircut on you,
I'm really not sure ♪
♪ Which one's the bigger shondeh ♪
♪ That means "disgrace" ♪
♪ I'm translating for the goys ♪
♪ Our life lines have been
parallel like corduroys ♪
♪ But now, we'll see
whose bars will prevail ♪
♪ In this beef of
two hard-as-nails ♪
♪ Shebrews from Scarsdale ♪
♪ We've got a conflict of interest ♪
♪ I'm about to give
Levine the business ♪
♪ Spittin' venomous hate ♪
♪ Penetrating her defenses ♪
♪ It's a JAP battle ♪
A what?
♪ A Jewish American Princess ♪
♪ Rap battle ♪
♪ Daughters of privilege ♪
♪ Spittin' mad flow ♪
♪ Find that term offensive? ♪
♪ Too bad, yo, oh, snap ♪
♪ It's a JAP battle rap ♪
♪ Look, academically,
you could never catch me ♪
♪ You were close, but
no match scholastically ♪
♪ Nohow, no way ♪
♪ I put the "O.G." in "5.0 G.P.A." ♪
♪ Well, speaking of which,
are you A.P. graded? ♪
♪ 'Cause these days you
look a bit heavily weighted ♪
♪ And all your book crackin' ♪
♪ Don't make up for the
fact that I'm strapped ♪
♪ With that killer
instinct that you lack ♪
♪ Sweetheart, here's what ♪
♪ You're not understanding,
I'm street-smart ♪
♪ You mean, 'cause you
minored in Urban Planning? ♪
♪ Bitch, I know you ♪
♪ That tough act's a bluff ♪
♪ So sheket bevaka
shut the hell up ♪
♪ Your temper, you
lost it, oh, cute ♪
♪ Like you're going
to lose this lawsuit ♪
♪ Keeping your piehole
shut would be quite wise ♪
♪ Though you kept it open
wide for the AEPI guys ♪
♪ And I banged your hedge
fund manager fiancé ♪
♪ Back in college
over winter holidays ♪
♪ Bathroom stall at the
matzo ball and honestly ♪
♪ I gotta say ♪
♪ Really not hot at all ♪
♪ Finished quick, rotten lay ♪
♪ This is... ♪
♪ A JAP battle ♪
♪ Bane of my existence ♪
♪ Your rhymes are facile ♪
♪ From Golden's Bridge ♪
♪ To North Castle ♪
♪ Wipe you off the map ♪
♪ In this JAP battle rap ♪
♪ Bunch, you're a
curse, you're a blight ♪
♪ We were frenemies at first spite ♪
♪ Think your verse is tight? ♪
♪ Then you're tripping
like birthright ♪
♪ I'll wipe the mirth right off ♪
♪ Your ugly mug and
fill you full of slugs ♪
♪ Like a straight up thug ♪
♪ Uh, that word is racist,
someone ought to tell you ♪
♪ Like me, I belong to the ACLU ♪
♪ Spare me, I'm a
card-carrying member ♪
♪ Plus, I spent a
semester in Kenya, remember?
♪ Well, I volunteered in Ghana ♪
♪ Well, I guess
that makes us equal ♪
♪ Well, it's settled then ♪
♪ We're both cool
with black people ♪
♪ 'Cause we're liberals ♪
♪ Duh, progressive as hell ♪
♪ Though, of course,
I support Israel ♪
♪ Audra, wait we
share so many traits ♪
♪ Should we shake hands ♪
♪ And erase the hate ♪
♪ Created by our mothers pitting ♪
♪ Us against each other for ♪
♪ Accolades and grades ♪
♪ We were egged on
like Seder plates ♪
Nah.
♪ In summation ♪
♪ You left New York ♪
♪ For this sunburnt shtetl ♪
♪ Now you're like "Oh,
Audra, let's settle" ♪
♪ You want to get salty
like the Dead Sea? ♪
♪ Word, but call off this suit ♪
♪ Or you're dead, see, word. ♪
Hmm.
Don't smirk at me, Connors.
She's a very angry young lady.
And so scary.
Are you sure you can beat her?
Of course I can.
Now let's get back to compiling evidence
and building the strongest case we can.
There you go.
- Great.
- All right.
Go team.
I scared.
- Greg.
- Hey.
Is this the girl, Heather,
you were telling me about?
This is her.
Greg says you want to work here.
Wow, you are really beautiful,
and you seem super cool.
Uh, thanks.
Kevin can be
aggressively nice, you're
not going to like it.
So tell me why you want to work here.
Well, Greg and I thought
it'd be fun to hang out
and spend time together
and maybe hook up in the stockroom
in our spare time.
We... we didn't say that.
Yeah, we did.
I like her honesty.
It's terrific.
And you can bang it out in the stockroom
whenever you want.
Okay, that's not hot any more.
You're hired.
Here's your apron, my lady.
You got a great girl here, Serrano.
- Shall we hug?
- Nah...
I got two arms, no waiting.
- No, I don't really like strangers...
- No waiting.
... touching me.
Oh, you.
What, you forgot I was here?
Yeah, kind of, I had a long day.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Dude, can you please leave?
But I made homemade tagliatelle.
- From scratch?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
- Leave after dinner.
- Okay.
- And after you do the dishes.
- Sure.
And after you clean the counter.
I don't want like raw eggs everywhere.
I'll do that.
Okay.
Oh, no, this is so
weird, I don't know you.
Does anyone really know anyone?
Yeah, lots of people
know lots of people.
I think you should
check your facts on that.
Look, I know that I'm
blackmailing you a little,
and I've been told that
that's not an appropriate
way to meet people.
No?
Fine, fine. Okay.
But I also really like you.
And you look like you've had a hard day,
and you just need someone
to take care of you.
So come on.
Tell me about your day.
No.
Okay.
Oh, so there's this bitch
I grew up with named Audra.
Oh, that's so good.
God, it you'd seen the
look in Audra's eyes, Trent,
I mean, she hates me.
She really hates me.
I mean, it's because
I'm smarter than her.
She's so insecure, I mean,
she went to Cornell, which as you know,
is like the community college
of Ivy League schools.
Why even go to college?
Like join the Navy.
Mmm, this is so good.
- Thank you.
- Anyway,
she's always hated me,
she'll do anything to beat me,
and now she has all the resources
of a powerful law firm behind her.
I feel so bad
because I promised all these
people that I'd help them,
and I-I didn't know they'd
bring in, like, the big guns.
I also feel bad
because I'm working with Josh,
you know, the guy that
you lied to. Oh.
Yeah, that Josh, and I'm just,
I'm terrified if I fail
that he will lose all respect for me.
Hey, look, no matter
what, I believe in you,
and that's what matters, right?
No.
Okay, uh, honey, you have
Bert, your water expert, right?
And you have all his
research, which you verified.
You have plaintiffs
from all over the Valley.
You're case is rock solid.
I just wish I had that one
piece of irrefutable evidence.
You'll find it.
Thanks for listening.
Yeah.
Okay, you can sleep at
the foot of my bed tonight.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Like a dog?
Yes, Trent, like a dog.
Okay.
Ugh, please don't look that excited.
It's just how I look.
You let him sleep on your floor?
Uh, it's fine, he didn't touch me.
And also, it wasn't weird.
I wore my bathing suit.
Please forget Trent.
Where are the plaintiffs?
We confirmed 50 people.
Traffic wasn't this bad
coming in from the east.
You don't think I should've specified
that it's a legal court,
not a food court, do you?
Maybe they got scared.
Yeah, taking on
a big corporation in
a big city is scary.
Maybe they feel like they
don't deserve to be heard.
You spend your whole life bottling away
what you need to let out.
Like a dormant volcano
just waiting to erupt.
What is up with you lately?
I don't know.
Oh, look, Josh. Hi, Josh.
Oh, there's Josh, he's going to think
I'm such a loser.
Hey, Josh, hi.
Hi. Wow, where is everyone?
Wow, where is everyone?
I was just in the snack-bar,
there's no one in there.
But don't worry, I got Skittles,
so I wouldn't get
chocolate on my new suit.
Isn't it great?
It was expensive, so I
put it on my credit card,
'cause... I know we're going to win.
Yes, that is right,
we are going to win this, big man.
- Yeah.
- Hey, guys.
Oh, a person.
Ugh, God, it's just White
Josh and his eight-pack.
What are you doing here?
Uh, I came for moral support.
Oh, for Josh.
No, dude.
Came to support you.
As friends, don't worry.
I'm not going to grab your
junk in public or anything.
Don't do that.
- J.K., dude.
- J.K.?
J.K. Rowling?
J.K., just kidding.
Stands for just kidding.
- Oh, just kidding.
- WiJo.
- Oh.
- Oh, hey, buddy.
Hey.
This is a disaster.
No one showed.
Josh is going to lose
all respect for me.
Okay.
All right, I'm just going to ovary-up,
and I'm going tell Josh that
this didn't work out, and...
And Monrovia is here.
El Monte is here.
South El Monte is here.
North El Monte is here.
Josh...
all the El Montes are here.
Sorry we were late.
There was traffic on the 10.
Anyway, we are here to
stand up for our rights.
We deserve hot water and
decent water pressure.
And we deserve clean dishes.
♪ Can you hear a trickling sound? ♪
♪ That's the leaky sink of change ♪
♪ It's a drip, drip, drip ♪
♪ That no handyman can fix ♪
♪ For we shall not be ignored ♪
♪ Till our honor is restored ♪
♪ And your basement is flooded ♪
♪ With justice ♪
♪ Soon the raging waters ♪
♪ Will crash upon the shore ♪
♪ When we sing of raging waters ♪
♪ It's not just a metaphor ♪
♪ What we mean is ♪
♪ It's also ♪
♪ A water park in San Dimas ♪
♪ But that's an aside ♪
♪ It's not what we're marching for ♪
♪ Can you hear a trickling sound? ♪
♪ That's the faulty
faucets of truth ♪
♪ It's a drip, drip, drip ♪
♪ That will make you go ♪
What is that?
♪ We shall not be denied ♪
♪ Till we restore our pride ♪
♪ And then we'll all go ♪
♪ To Raging Waters ♪
And we'll ride Dr. Von
Dark's Tunnel Of Terror!
Good idea, Baldwin Park.
Yeah!
♪ For we have had enough ♪
♪ Of Hollywood stealing our water ♪
♪ They're probably using it ♪
♪ To make party drugs and Oscars ♪
♪ Our precious water shouldn't be ♪
♪ Funneled to celebrities ♪
♪ No more water for BJ
Novak's ecstasy factory ♪
What?
♪ Can you hear a trickling sound? ♪
♪ That's the janky shower of glory ♪
♪ A drip, drip, drip ♪
♪ That will keep you up ♪
♪ All night, and then ♪
♪ You'll be late for work ♪
♪ And you won't be able to focus ♪
♪ And you'll come
home to a basement ♪
♪ That's been flooded ♪
♪ Flooded with justice... ! ♪
You ready?
Well, back to the ol' ecstasy factory.
Excuse me.
What are you looking for?
Uh, oh, wait,
I found it.
It's that water trial
that Rebecca's doing.
It's on local cable access.
I think it already started.
Your Honor,
we are all here today,
to try and redress an
egregious injustice.
Here you go.
- Bingo
- Hey, look at that!
It's Rebecca on the TV.
She's one of our regulars.
The one that orders those
custom cheeseburger pizzas.
Look, everyone, look!
It is classic case of the
common man being exploited
by corporate interests.
And I will prove today...
Man, she looks hot in her
little legal outfit, right?
I'd pound that gavel.
Guys, nobody wants to
watch this silly trial.
What are you...
Hey!
Yes, they do.
You may call your first witness.
Okay, it looks like we've
missed opening arguments,
but Rebecca's about to
present her witnesses.
I call to the stand, Joshua Chan.
That's Josh!
Hey, he's also one of our regulars.
He drinks his beer
right out of the bottle.
- I love that guy.
- Shh!
I'm just trying to hear the testimony.
Now, Josh, can you confirm
HEATHER: What is your problem?
That you were the first person
to alert the council of this problem?
Uh, yes, I can confirm
that I was the one
who alerted Ms. Bunch
to the water situation.
We noticed the hot water
going out about a month ago.
And I told my wife, "I hate you,
what did you do to the water"?
Then I realized it wasn't her fault.
We just thought, "Hey,
we're from Alhambra.
Maybe we just don't deserve a
fancy Los Angeles hot shower."
Let me be the first
person to tell you, you do.
She's doing great.
Greg, you see how
great our girl is doing?
Not my girl.
Not interested.
Next, I would like to call to the stand
a former employee of Greater City Water,
and a water technology expert...
That's me.
Excuse me.
Bert, thank you so much
for being here today.
My pleasure.
Oh, and thank you for
buying me this new suit.
It feels so good against my bare skin.
I don't believe in underwear.
So those documents
you have in your hand,
tell me, what are those, Bert?
That is research that I've
been compiling for years.
First, when I worked
at Greater City Water,
and then when I worked
on a very extensive
independent research project
nobody asked for or wanted to read.
That is, until you, Ms. Bunch.
Your Honor, I present
exhibits A through X.
Careful with that.
Your witness, Ms. Levine.
Oh, my God, look,
the scary opposing
lawyer's coming over now.
Boo!
Scary lawyer lady, boo.
You suck.
I do not like the look of her.
It looks like she orders
everything on the side.
Hello, Bert.
Hello, Ms. Lawyer.
What is your degree in?
Advanced hydro-engineering.
I have two Ph.D.s, as a matter of fact.
Wow, impressive.
Those are excellent credentials.
Thank you.
And how long did you work
at Greater City Water?
15 years.
Great, and how long have you
been a diagnosed schizophrenic?
16 years.
No further questions, Your Honor.
Wait, what?
Oh, no.
Oh, man.
Thought you weren't interested.
I'm not.
Your Honor, uh,
may we take a brief recess?
Yes, a-a recess so that I can go home.
The court will sit in recess.
He has a diagnosed of what... ?
What am I going to do?
She just knocked out Bert.
I mean, we can't lose him,
he's most of our case.
No, Trent, uh-uh, uh-uh, not now.
Tucked in turtleneck.
That's not a look you see every day.
Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt, babe,
but I have something for you.
That's really sweet, but
I'm not hungry right now.
No, I didn't cook today.
Instead, I hacked into the
Greater City Water server,
and I got you these.
These are e-mails.
These are e-mails that...
that clearly expose a cover-up.
Yeah.
Oh...
Oh, my God.
This is great.
This is great, we can
win the case with these.
Can I sleep in the bed now?
No.
Uh, just let me answer.
I mean, these are amazing.
We, we could win the case in a second.
Trent, Trent, Trent.
Oh, thank you so much,
um, but now, please leave.
Okay. Good luck.
Yeah, okay.
He looks like a Kennedy,
but a sober one.
Yeah, I figured it out.
It's like if two Kennedy cousins mated.
Totally. Yeah.
Okay, listen, I want
you to win this case
more than anyone,
but if anybody finds
out that this is stolen,
you, you are in big trouble.
I mean, who's going to tell them, Trent?
He won't, especially if I let
him sleep in the bed tonight.
Paula, we need this to win.
All those people are counting on us.
Think about it,
if Audra Levine had
these, would she use it?
Yes, because she is a monster.
Be seated.
Recess has ended.
Ms. Bunch, do you
have any more evidence,
or are you ready for
your closing statement?
Yes, Your Honor.
I, um...
I... would...
I...
Something's wrong.
What's going on?
I, um...
Let's play slaps.
Ha.
When I grow up,
I'm going to be the best at everything.
Me, too.
I'm going to get into
all the best colleges.
I'm going to get all the best jobs.
I'm going to live in the best house,
and the best second house.
Well, I'm going to be the happiest.
What? That's stupid.
Who cares about being happy?
Your Honor, what's going on?
Is she having a stroke?
Why is she staring at me?
Ms. Bunch?
Yes.
Sorry.
Your Honor,
this case really comes
down to a few simple facts,
and one of the most important facts
is that people who live
not 45 minutes from here,
two hours in rush hour, are being
relentlessly exploited
by a big fancy, greedy,
Los Angeles corporation.
Now, our documents prove that,
and I hope you don't
rule out Bert's evidence
just because, you know,
he's got a few issues.
Don't we all?
Yeah.
You know...
... six months ago,
I would have tried this
case very differently...
... but now, I'm a resident
of the San Gabriel Valley,
and... all I can do
is hold myself to the same standard
of integrity and honesty
of the people I represent.
Your Honor,
this is a community of
decent, hardworking people,
and they deserve a voice
just as much as anyone else.
So no matter what happens
today, win or lose,
I'm going to continue to fight for them
until they receive justice.
That's all I got.
Did you see that?
She's crazy.
Who goes into a courtroom
and says all of that?
She's... she's...
Oh, my God, I know what's happening.
- What?
- Look,
I've seen a lot of Hallmark movies
and the look on people's faces
before they run and
confess their feelings,
that's... your face.
No, no, no.
I used to like her, but...
But... you still do,
and I don't want to be your backup plan.
At are you saying?
I'm saying...
♪ Don't settle for me ♪
- What?
- ♪ Come on, dude ♪
♪ Don't settle for me ♪
♪ Trust me ♪
♪ I know guys ♪
♪ And that look in your eyes ♪
♪ Means you're in love ♪
Love?
Who are you all of a sudden?
Shut up and listen to my wise reprise.
♪ We've had some fun together ♪
♪ Hold on a second, Heather ♪
♪ But I need, like, so much more ♪
♪ I'm way too badass ♪
♪ To be someone you settle for ♪
Go see her, okay?
Be seated.
Recess has ended.
We are back in session.
Ms. Bunch.
I would like to begin by saying,
I truly admire your
dedication to your clients,
and the amount of passion
that you have for this case.
But I am afraid that Ms.
Levine and her colleagues
have raised sufficient
doubts about your evidence,
and therefore,
I must find in favor of the defendants,
Greater City Water.
Thank you, this court is adjourned.
Yes!
Excellent.
Hi, everyone.
Um,
everyone, I, uh...
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
♪ We have heard the
trickling sound ♪
♪ It's the faulty faucet of truth ♪
♪ It's a drip, drip, drip ♪
♪ That fills us all with pride ♪
♪ Slow clap, slow clap ♪
♪ Yes, we never saw the lies ♪
♪ Slow clap, slow clap ♪
♪ Until you opened our eyes ♪
♪ Now let's ♪
♪ All ♪
♪ Go to ♪
♪ Raging Waters... ♪
I don't understand.
They're not mad at me?
Mad at you?
You stood up to the bully.
You gave them a voice.
I am so proud of you.
Um, I'm just going to pack up.
I'll meet you outside, okay?
Well, it was a thrill
going up against you.
Thank you, Audra.
Especially, because now,
I think we can agree,
that I've just won, in general.
Yes, yes, you have.
But here's the thing.
You beat someone who
doesn't exist any more.
Yeah, I don't care. A win's a win.
Hey, Audra.
Take care of yourself, okay?
I know how hard your life can be.
Don't forget to be happy,
'cause... that's really important.
I am happy.
I'm so happy.
This is what happy feels like.
This is what happy feels like.
Why aren't you happy?
Why aren't you happy? Okay.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, Josh.
Look, I am so sorry.
I'm sorry I asked you to hide.
It was not right.
I am bisexual!
I'm going for drinks with this gay man,
whom I have a crush on.
He's way out of your league... nice job.
Hey, back off, dude.
He looks like Tom Selleck.
Sorry about that.
Well, should we go for that drink?
Yes, we... Right there.
- Under, yeah, there you go.
- Okay.
Ms. Bunch? I'm Paul Ramirez
from the metro desk at the paper.
You might have lost,
but I think you've uncovered
the biggest local story
since the City of Bell scandal,
and I promise you,
we're going to get to the bottom of it.
We will not less this go.
Great.
Hey, um...
This should help get you started.
You didn't get that from me.
I mean, you, look, you
did get that from me,
but if anyone asks you,
- "Did you get... "
- No, I get it, I get it.
Right, you get phrases, right.
Okay.
Hey.
Hey.
I, uh,
brought you some chocolate.
We can mess up our clothes, now.
Thanks.
Hey, um, I'm sorry.
Stop.
You were brave.
You were like... Rocky.
Or...
Creed, at-at least.
But, but which I loved.
Rebecca.
You're not... perfect.
No one is.
You tried really hard today.
I just wanted to make everyone happy.
And, I don't know,
I wanted you to be proud of me.
You wanted me to be... proud of you?
I didn't know you thought
about me that much.
Of course I do.
Well, do you think about me, like, too?
Oh, Greg, I'm sorry.
You're a nice guy, you really are,
but, I mean, those two in there,
they were just meant to be.
I mean, you have to see that now.
Okay, I understand, but
are you sure I have to go?
Yes, Trent.
But I never got a chance
to read you something.
I wrote you a letter.
Okay, fine.
Okay.
♪ Dear Rebecca Nora Bunch... ♪
Nope, uh-uh.