Crashing (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

It's "get out" time, babycakes.
They're knocking us down.

- Who's the man in the picture?
It's unnerving.
- It's my father.

- HE SCREAMS
- You need a boyfriend.

I think you need
to have sex with a man.

He kissed me with his mouth!

- Oh, my...!
- Sam's fucking Lulu.

- Oh!
- She's not your girlfriend.

She is in love with you
and it's exhausting.

KNOCK ON DOORS

Yeah?

- Kate's gone. - Where?
- Fuck it! - What?
- Are you in love with me? - What?



- Are you in love with me?
- No!

- Have you loved me every day
of your life since you were 14?
- No.

- Do you think of me every time
you have a fanny gallop?
- No.

- Are you absolutely sure?
- Yes.

Well, this was misjudged.

- She thinks you're in love with me.
- Well, that's... ridiculous.
- I know.

She's not picking up.
I've totally fucked this, dammit!

I didn't go down on her enough.

- Did she go to her sister's?
- Why would she...?

- Everyone always goes to their sister's.
- She doesn't have sisters.

- Has she got any friends?
- I don't know.
- Where does she like going?

- I don't know.
- What's her middle name?
- Kate, I don't know!

Where does she normally
go when she storms of?

When she wants me to find her,
to the Turkish bar, when she
doesn't, to the Italian place.



- Do you think she wants you
to find her?
- I'd say...

- Yes, she does.
- Good work, stay positive.
Let's go Turkish.

- Thank you.
- Sure. It's what I'm here for.

This feeling is incredible!

It's just...

so confusingly incredible.

We're both single, Fred!
Isn't that exciting?

How do you feel?

Whoo! Woop-woop!

I want to drink myself straight.

She's not picking up.
What is she doing?

- You don't think she's on the pull, do you?
- Almost definitely.

- I'm trying her again.
- Oh, my God, there she is.

Kate, stop kissing, you slut!

- You made me call that woman a slut.
- You said it!

You basically made me call Kate
a slut. Stop laughing at me!

In fact, go home.
I'll find her on my own.

You just make everything worse.

You look like your dad
when you're angry.

- Don't.
- Really hot.

Never speak about my dad like that.

Your hot potato dad?

SHE SCREAMS

No, this is serious!

I'm very upset.

Come on. Let's go and
find your little slut.

- What?
- You said it.

I'm fine... I'm fine,
I'm really happy. I'm fine.

- Oh, my God, you guys were
never right for each other.
- Really?
- Yes.

He's a very brooding, funny,

mysterious, sexy man.

Yes...

- Does he have a massive penis?
- I'm not sure the relevance of...

- Does he?
- I bet I can guess
the exact size and shape

of his penis.

- Draw his hard willy on there.
- Oh...
- Go on.

SHE WHIMPERS

OK? Turn in three.

One... two... three.

- SHE GASPS
- I've always been able to do it.

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

Close your eyes. Close your eyes.

What do you see?

- Black with some colourful shapes of light.
- A dragon family.

You did the right thing, Fred.

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES AND RINGS

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

'Fred, where are you?'

'Come on! Pick up!

'Please!'

Just call me now.

You're being a dick, Fred.

'Fred, it's me again.

'I'm sorry I called you a dick,

'but I didn't do anything wrong!'

I'm sorry.

Melody, get your brother out!

You're not allowed to be angry
with me. I'm not going to...

F your father out of your system.

Have you ever got
counselling or therapy?

Fine. Is this pose OK?

It's perfect. You look fucking tiny.
It's breaking my heart.

BANG ON DOOR

Mel, I'm in the mood for a penis
party and you're invited.

- It's our time, mon petit froggy.
- He is abhorrent.

Melody, this is your last chance.

Your fanny will never forgive you...

Fine, you are making
a huge mistake, Frenchy.

Huge!

BANG

Excuse-moi.

- Are we finished?
- No, stay. I'll be back in a minute.

- D'accord.
- Are they pyjamas?

- Do it. Fucking do it now.
- Really?

- How you want to do me?
From behind? From above?
- Yeah.

- Take your clothes off. Do you
want me to suck your dick?
- Er, yeah.

Get your dick out then.

- After you put it in my mouth do you
want to put it in my arse?
- Er...

Up my arse, yeah?
Do you want me to shit on your face?

- You want that too?
- I'm up for anything.
- What else do you want?

- Get your dick out.
- This isn't quite how...
- Come on, Sam.

- Punch me in the face,
fuck me up the arse. Do it!
- Stop it!
- Fuck me!

- No, stop it!
- HE WEEPS

It's OK.

Call your mother.

So, your boy didn't fuck Sam?

- No, but...
- And your boy didn't fuck
the lanky receptionist chick?

No, but it's more
complicated than that, you see,

because he defended
her honour in my face.

So, no-one

fucked anyone at all?

- Sam and Lulu did. Thank God for them.
- Oh, God. Am I crazy?
- Yes.

Don't answer that.

He knows this is where I come
when I don't want him to find me.

Where is he?!

Isn't that place great? I always
forget about that place!

They gave us melon for free.
Let's go dancing!

- Yes!
- Yes!
- No! No fun. Kate. We must find Kate.

Argh, Kate don't want to be found.

- Italian place, come on.
- Someone's probably balls deep in her by now.

She's screaming to
the heavens on her 14th orgasm!

You will never find love. You're
going to die a haggard old man.

An old man?!

No! You're hurting an old man!

You can pose with Colin.
You will have a great chemistry.

Can I be naked?

What?

- Where is the old fart?
- Colin?

Oh, my God!

SHE GASPS

I don't feel very...

- Have you ever thought
that you might be into women?
- Yeah, but I'm not.

- Oh, I don't know. Think about it.
- I have. I'm just not a lesbian.

- I don't know!
- OK, but I do.
- I don't know...

Jessica, I'm not a lesbian...

- Is this it?
- Yeah. They do the most
sensational ciabattas.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
- Kate's a lesbian?!
- Shit...

- That just makes so much sense.
- Does it?
- Yes!

Yes. Kate's a lesbian. A lesbian.

A lesbian.

Oh, my God,
he jumped out the fucking window!

Brave motherfucker.

I mean, I knew he was down, but...

What have I done?!

Call an ambulance!

Colin! Naughty Colin!

Colin!

Oh, God, you guys!

- What's it like?
- What?

To only want one person?

I mean, is it just lovely?

To not want EVERYONE?
All the time?

It's not just about wanting someone.

They might not want you back.

In what way?

You know what they say,
if you love someone...

- Let them go.
- Don't let them go.

There she goes.

PHONE VIBRATES

I am not running to him.

Hi, Fred, it's me.

Erm...
I'm at St Mary's Hospital.

I'm just letting you know in case
you needed to know where I was.

I'm at the hospital.

Hey, Poonch.

I had a call about a Colin Carter?

Please, wake up.

I won't try to fuck you.

Hello?

Who are you?

I'm Mr Carter's wife.

Are you his...

Nurse?

Oui.

I suppose it's good for morale.

Hi, hi, I'm looking for my friend.

He phoned me, he's called Sam
and he's a bit obnoxious,

but, essentially,
he's a nice person...

- Sam! Are you OK?
- Yeah, mate.

What are you doing here?

Why did you tell me you were here?
WHY are you here?!

I thought you were hurt?

What, and you came
charging like a little, tiny prince?

Yes.

I mean, I know that everyone's mind
drifts, but... to Jessica?

Wow.

Where does your mind drift?

- You know, I never thought
you were that hot.
- Thanks(!)

Or not hot.

You're just...

Your face.

Course you think I'm hot.

You got a boner every time
we shared a bed.

- Guess the only thing left to do
now is... - Fuck. - ..go home.

- Go home.
- And fuck?

Why not?

Well, I'm drunk,
your girlfriend's a lesbian,

and in 24 hours, we'll be homeless.

Come on, then.

Let's fuck.

Fine.

I'm serious.

So am I.

Come on, then.

Let's go.

OK.

Ask me why I did it.

I did it because I didn't want
you to get hurt.

So I put myself out there as bait.
Any good friend would do that.

Now hit me! Or something!

I don't want to hit you.

I kissed your boyfriend.

- You showed him for who he really is.
- I kissed your boyfriend!

Stop shouting at me, please.

- Oh, just tell me I'm a dick
and let's be done with it!
- No, Sam!

I'm not going to end this
by turning this into something

that you did, just
because you're fucked up.

You're not fucked up, Sam -
you're a drama queen!

Did you want to kiss Will?
Did you want to break us up?

Did you want to hurt me?

Or do you want me to ask if you did
it because you're jealous?

Because you're confused about how
you feel about me?

Because you're gay?

Is that what you want me to ask?

Fuck off, I'm not a queen.

I'm not a drama queen.

I am neither queen.

What do you want from me?

You don't
have anything I want, honey.

OK. Good night, then.

Help!

My friend is nearly dead!
Someone, help me!

My best friend is dead!

OK, miss, I have two questions
to ask you

- as part of the hospital thing.
- Yes, of course.

How much do you love
Colin, out of ten?

Ten is if you'd wear his skin
if he died.

Erm... Six, I suppose.

Tres bien.

Second question,
how much do you love your new,

less-sexy Colin, Brian, out of ten?

How do you know about Brian?

- You're awake!
- Yes.

For quite a while now.

Darling, what happened?

You tried to kill yourself.

- I fell out of the dodgy window
in your room.
- Oh.

Her room.

- Are you two...?
- No!
- No.

Unfortunately.

Colin, I don't know what
to say to you.

Do you want money
or the house or...?

I mean, you can't have the house.
Or any money.

But just tell me what you want
and I'll sort it

unless it's those things.

I want to walk in our garden
in my bare feet again.

We go spinning on Wednesday
afternoons. You can do it then.

Spinning.

Gosh, you really
are serious about this chap.

Does he garden?

- No.
- Well, what the fuck does he do, then?!

Colin!
You're embarrassing yourself.

Well, you're a bitch.

Who is she, Colin?

She's...

My...

She's my Melody.

Well...

My Brian's waiting in the car.

Should I be worried about you?

Yes, very.

- Goodbye, Cara.
- Goodbye.

Nice to meet you, Melody.

Au revoir, Cara.

Now give me some peace.

I'm not wearing any undergarments.

Buenos noches!

- Buenos noches.
- Yes. Have you seen Anthony?

- No.
- If you see him, tell him I am here!

He had a hypoglycaemic attack.

- Diabetes?
- That's right.

OK, can you leave the room?

I feel like
you're stressing him out.

- Rubbing his face in his own fear.
- He's unconscious.

(Yes, but he can still hear you!
Everyone knows that.)

Oh, fuck off!

I bet you haven't eaten
anything today.

And all the stress?

Oh, God, I've stressed you out

and now I'm going to kill you!
I've killed you!

Shut up.

- I just want to sleep.
- OK.

I'm sorry about kissing Will.

I'm an arsehole.

FRED SNORES

My tiny prince.

(Oh, my God.)

Ah, your woman, Katie, is here.

She's looking for you.

Good night, then.

Good night.

MUSIC: To The East
by Electrane

♪ You

♪ Didn't know where to go

♪ Walking around

♪ In this flag-waving town... ♪

What are you doing?

I'm over it.

Kidding around, I'm over it.

OK.

Do you love me?

- Look, don't...
- Shut up!

- I don't...
- Just shut up!

Do you fucking love me, Lulu?

Did you come all the way here to
break me and Kate up?

Do you want to be with me?

Fuck!

This is going to be a disaster,
isn't it?

♪ ..It could be home,
it could be home

♪ For you and me

♪ It could be home, it could be home

♪ It could be home, it could be home

♪ Come back, come back,
come back... ♪

♪ Well, if you're tired

♪ And feeling so lonely

♪ You wake up at night

♪ Thinking that only

♪ If you had somebody

♪ Well I'll be somebody... ♪

KNOCKING

I don't have a door.

You weren't upstairs.

Neither were you.

Kate's not a lesbian.

- Right.
- And she doesn't want to break up.

OK.

But...

What?

Just say it.

OK.

What should I do?

Should I get back with her, or...

Or...?

What should I do?

Get back with her.

- Really?
- 100%.

- But...
- 100%.

Yeah.

Yeah. I guess, thanks.

No worries.

- I'll just...
- Mmm-hmm.

Gah... Can we just...
Keep this between us?

Oh, don't want her thinking...

No.

OK, cool.

OK, cool, yeah.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

♪ ..I'll be somebody

♪ You can call on me

♪ And I'll be somebody

♪ I'll be somebody... ♪

Hey, hey, sleepyhead.

Have you got any food?

I'll eat it
out of your mouths if I have to.

Morning. Anthony's making some.

Can I have a sip of your coffee,
mate?

Ugh, don't say mate.

OK.

Babe.

- Have we lost Colin?
- Oh, he fell out of my window.

LOUD CRASH

ALL GROAN

Kate,
you really need to sort that out.

- Fuck off.
- Oh, let it fall.

This place is
coming down in a week anyway.

- Where are we all going to go?
- Fire station?

- Old people's home?
- Paris!

I've always wanted to go to France.

Water with your paracetamol, anyone?

- Yes, please.
- Oui, merci.
- Oh, yeah.

LOUD CRASH

(Shit!)

- Are you OK?
- Ca va?

- Yeah, yeah!
- Yep!

Hey!

Just grabbing a couple of mugs.

And some sugar.

Perfect.

Oh, and...

I'm not fucking stupid.

♪ You get under my skin

♪ I don't find it
irritating

♪ You're always playing
to win

♪ But I won't
need rehabilitating

♪ Oh, no - I think I'm on
another world with you

♪ With you

♪ Another planet

♪ Who's holding you down?

♪ Another planet. ♪