Crashing (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Secret - full transcript

You guys pee in the pool?

Clap your hands if you pee in
the pool. Don't be afraid.

You're not ready.

I can't believe Estee didn't pass you.

That was like a solid set.

I'm doing a gig that I think
you'd be perfect for.

Yes.

What's going on over there?

- Somebody I met today.
- Nice.

- We had sex in a dressing room.
- What?

And then again in a bathroom.



- Two times?
- In one day. A double schtup.

I see a lot of empty seats.

Are... Are you all saving a
seat for Elijah? Or is that...

I spoke to the rabbi.

He said he would love
to sit down with you.

- Absolutely.
- So, where is Pete?

No. It feels weird.

- What, the hat?
- Yeah.

No, you're just one of those
people. You look good in hats.

- Trust me. Yeah.
- Really?

Yeah.

You look good. You look sexy.

Okay.

Hello.



Thank you.

Sorry.

So I have a question.

Where is all this headed?

You mean us?

No, I feel pretty good about that.

I mean your career.

Um...

I want to get really good at stand-up.

Okay, but...

But what?

No, that's... that's the end.

Yeah, but you want to be adored.

- No, no, that's...
- You want everyone in this restaurant

to know how special you are.

You want to be unable
to walk down the street

without everybody seeing
you and recognizing you

and knowing how funny you are.

No, I'm not David Hasselhoff.
I'm... I'm a comedian.

No. Come on. Okay.

Admit that it is driving you
fucking crazy right now

that no one in here knows that
you are the next Kevin Hart.

I'm not... I'm not the next Kevin Hart.

Kevin Hart is Kevin Hart.

We have a Kevin Hart.

He's perfect for the part.

I'm just a... I'm a club guy.

I grind it out. I do spots.

I get better. That's my...

You know, Madison Square Garden
and the movies, that's...

- Okay.
- I'm not... that's a different thing.

The greatest honor in my life
would be to be in the scene.

- I just...
- Wanting to be famous

is not a bad thing, and
it's not embarrassing.

I do... I have a TV idea.

Tell me.

- It's about a guy...
- Mm-hmm.

...who has kids, but the
public schools stink.

So he pulls them out, and he starts
teaching them in his garage,

but he's really good at it,
right? So word gets out,

and other neighborhood kids

start coming to his
school in his garage.

And that's like... That's
the pilot, I guess.

I've written, like, an outline.

"Holmes Schooled."

- Yeah, Homeschooled.
- No, no, no, Pete...

"Holmes Schooled."

- No, no I...
- Like your last name.

But it's not for me. It's just
Homeschooled. It's for like a name.

Why isn't it for you? This is
the perfect vehicle for you.

I don't see it for me.

It's like something I would
write, but, you know...

Ike Barinholtz or maybe
Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

I can see your face
on the side of a bus.

You're wearing a cardigan
and you're standing

with your arms crossed in
front of a chalkboard,

and it says on the
chalkboard, "Tuesdays at 9."

Against Big Bang Theory?

- Yeah.
- We're gonna get smoked!

Sure you don't want to
come dance with me?

I do want to.

This is it. This is where I leave you.

- I'll see you in three hours.
- Okay.

- Three hours?
- Yeah.

That's the entire movie the Titanic.

I know.

- You'll survive.
- I'll be fine.

- Okay bye.
- Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Kitty?

- Hey.
- Peter!

- What's up?
- Hello!

- What's goin' on?
- Hi.

Oh, nothing. I just, I've
been texting you a bunch

and I haven't heard back, so I
figured I'd just come over.

Yeah, well, welcome.

Thank you. You've done
a great job, Peter!

Look at these elements, exposed

just stone into woven carpet,

and cardboard and wood. Great.

- I'm actually...
- Oh, okay.

- I have to...
- Sure.

This is unexpected, so I
don't have a lot of time.

Oh, I understand. Yeah.

Ah, it's just so nice
to sit for a moment.

I brought you a little
housewarming gift.

Please, I don't want any VHS's
of PBS specials you've taped.

Not this time.

- Ah!
- Yeah.

Mmm, thank you.

Maca root.

- Oh, maca root. Great.
- Yeah.

Incans used to take it

right before they went
into heavy battle.

We use it for a little help with old...

- My dick.
- Yeah, your dick.

- Thank you.
- What are you doing tonight?

- Why?
- My old roommate is a sous chef

and he's opening a new restaurant.

Tonight's the soft opening.
He gave me two tickets.

It's gonna be you and me and
a bunch of celebrities.

- Really?
- That's what they said.

Kristen Chenowith is a
person. Is that one?

Yeah, that's a celebrity.

Lauren Michaels is gonna
come, and she's...

It's Lorne Michaels.

She's a beautiful celebrity.

- Nope.
- Yeah!

It sounds amazing. I just...
I have plans tonight.

What do you have, a show? This
is a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

No, I get that. I just...
I've been on the road a lot,

and I'm sort of spending the
night with my girl, so...

You guys see each other
a lot, though, right?

This is kind of a just-tonight thing.

I would love hanging out,
but I haven't seen her...

I haven't seen her in like a week, so...

I just want to reconnect, you know...

But didn't I just...

Did I see you on Instagram on
the High Line this morning?

Yes, that's us on the...
That's her. That's Kat.

- But that wasn't today.
- Oh.

That was a later-gram. Yeah.

Seems like you found someone
that's helped you unlock

that piece of yourself
that lets you be love,

and the two of you are in love
together at the same time.

It's great.

- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.

We'll do another dinner another time.

I just... When I'm not so busy.

Yeah, okay.

All right. See you Thursday.

- Bye!
- Bye.

Hi.

- I'm stinky.
- I don't care.

Oh, no.

You're smelly.

Can I... Can I tell you something?

- Sure.
- It's weird.

- But it's not bad.
- Okay.

- Um, so you know I grew up religious...
- Mm-hmm.

...and I was never a big, um, porn guy.

Evidenced by the fact that
I call them porn guys.

Yeah, I can't believe it.

No, I... But, you know, the Internet

came around and everybody was doing it.

So I started looking at this one girl...

- This one woman.
- Mm-hmm.

And, I don't know, I got really
obsessed with this woman,

and I looked at her consistently
for years, but only her.

Wait, so what are you saying?

You were monogamous with your porn star?

Yes, exactly.

But she's not a porn star,
she's an adult model.

She just... It's just
her. She poses nude.

But you look so much like her...

that the first time I saw you,

I actually wasn't sure you weren't her.

I mean, it's like...

Um...

That's a weird thing to tell somebody,

and I should've kept it
to myself and I'm sorry.

And you're... Hold on, you're
so much more than a...

You're my fantasy, is what I'm saying.

You're not like a porn star woman.

I don't even look at it anymore.

I need to show you something.

- Kitty?
- Wait.

I'm a fucking weirdo.

My thing is... What?

What's that? Are you
breaking a cold case?

What is... What are you doing?

It's my vision board!

It's my vision board.

You do... You do vision boards?

Yeah.

- Like for real?
- Yeah!

This is what I want
my life to look like.

Like I want to go to Italy

or, like, learn how to scuba dive.

But...

- I'm Prince William?
- Yes!

You are the tall, blond, sexy,

- kind of goofy...
- Kitty...

This is what you were doing
with your porn girl.

Really?

He looks like a candle
that smells like nothing.

Okay, I don't literally want
to be with Prince William,

but it's like your porn girl.

You spent all of these years

pointing your desire and your
intention towards this woman,

who looks like me, and then
we just happen to meet?

No, we manifested each other.

You think I made you... I mean...

You can't have all of that desire

and not have it manifest in the world.

It's the law of attraction.

Do you want to make one?

I have some more New Yorkers.

- Oh, New Yorker.
- Yeah.

I read Playboy for the articles,

but I read New Yorker
for the pornography.

I've been looking for
a photo of Mr. Rogers

or Big Bird, if you have either.

Ooh!

Debra!

Yeah? You're into Ray Romano?

I love Ray. Everybody... everybody...

Can I have some paste?
I'd like to sniff it.

- I have a surprise for us.
- Okay.

Put your pants on.

Where am I going that I need pants?

Hello, uh...

Can we go?

I don't like these kinds
of places. This is...

What do you mean "these
kinds of places"?

This isn't like a scuzzy
roadside jerk-hut.

- No?
- This is The Pleasure Chest.

It's a very classy place,
it's very clean.

- The Pleasure Chest.
- Yeah.

Argh! It's still very
hard for me to be here.

Do you two need any help with anything?

- I think we're... Yes.
- Yeah!

So we are looking for something
that we can both have fun with,

but he's sort of new to all of this.

Okay.

Well, I always tell couples
to start with a Bullet.

This is made of medical-grade
non-porous plastic.

- Oh, medical-grade.
- It's great for external play.

- You can do a lot with this little guy.
- Wow.

Oh, it's on.

It's like a cocktail wiener...

for your... for your wiener.

Hello?

Sorry, I can't cock right now.

Yeah, I'm going through a tunnel.

- And then you... Woo!
- Oh.

It's fun. Thank you.

Um...

What about this? It
looks like a seahorse.

Well, that's usually for anal.

Have you, uh, tried anal?

- No.
- Yes.

Well, let me know if you need any help.

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

What the fuck are you doing?

I'm... I'm sorry. I'm
trying to lighten the mood.

- It's, you know...
- It feels like you're shaming me.

It feels like you are trying to shame me

for being into what I'm into.

No, no. Absolutely not. This is sexy.

This is fun.

- I'm all for trying new things.
- Yeah.

I'm happy to be doing this with you.

- I want to do this with you.
- Good.

'Cause I'm gonna put stuff in you, too.

- Great.
- I'm getting this little guy.

Hey, Easter comes but once a year.

And so do you.

What?

Feels naughty.

We should do something...

We should so something wholesome
to balance the evening out.

We could go read to the elderly.

We could blow bubbles at rescue dogs.

Pick one out.

Um, hold on.

We can get the train
this way. But, um...

No, there's something that I want to do.

Yeah, but this... this is sort
of like where I work, though.

This is like my office.

We can just hook around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just come with me.

I have something fun planned.
You're really gonna like it.

- Can we do it at home?
- No, we cannot.

Kitty.

Can we please not do this?

Seriously, this is like the
last place I want to be.

- Please.
- Face your fears.

What are you... What are you doing?

This is the club you
said you wanted to play.

Here we are.

Okay, this is also the club
I told you I auditioned at,

and it didn't go well.
I... I told you this.

Yeah, so that's why we're here.

No, the plan is I want the
booker to forget who I am.

I'm not gonna show up as some loser guy.

So, what, you're just never
gonna come back here?

No, they key is for her
to forget my face.

- No, Pete!
- Then I come back.

- She has to see you all the time.
- No, she doesn't.

- I'm not coming in here.
- So that she's like,

"Oh wait. This guy's got balls.

There's something that I
missed the first time,

and he's fighting for
what he believes in."

And people respect that.

No, I think people think it's weird

when you're rejected from something
and you keep showing up.

No, Pete, you need to
be here all the time.

You can't hide.

- They need to get tired of seeing you.
- Listen. No.

- Just trust me, okay?
- Kitty, please.

Please.

This is business, okay?

It's the art of war.

And also, you're not walking in alone.

You're not a loser.
You're with me, okay?

Hi, excuse us. We have tickets.

Shit, Pete Holmes.

He's a comic.

I know who the fuck Pete Holmes is.

Pete, you sitting in
the audience tonight?

- Yes. Yes.
- Yeah?

Don't worry about it, man. I
got the perfect seats for you.

- That is so nice. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Should we go? Thank you.
- Yeah. Good.

Dude...

I'd lose the hat if I was you.

It's cool here. It's smaller

than I thought it was going to be.

- Very intimate. Very.
- Yeah.

- It's nice.
- This is too close.

- This is too close.
- No!

You are right where you're
supposed to be right now.

Ooh.

- We didn't order these.
- These are from him.

Thank you! Cheers!

That is so nice of him.

Cheers.

They're fucking with
me. You realize that?

No, they're sending it over
because they know you,

because you're a friend.

- They're... that's not...
- You're a friend. Drink this.

These people are animals.

- I'm drinking this.
- Kitty...

The greatest thing about
smoking marijuana...

...is smoking marijuana...

and then not smoking
marijuana for about a month,

and then smoking marijuana.

Mm-hmm!

So good.

Ladies and people, our next guest

is a talented man. Very funny.

Put your hands together and
welcome Mr. Dave Attell.

Keep it going for William
Stephenson, everybody.

Thanks.

William, two words of
advice: sit-ups. Now...

Hey, guys!

This is a rough and ready crowd.
That's the way I like it.

Let's take a look at everyone.

It's nice to see my
condo board showed up.

How are you guys? Sorry
about the weird smell.

And, of course, the cast of
Hamilton. Give them a hand.

And, uh... Oh shit.

Is that...? Yeah, it
is. Hey, Pete. Yeah.

You guys don't know this.
This is a comic, Pete Holmes.

Yeah, sittin' right up front.

Dude...

What the fuck, man?

Did you guys buy tickets?

What's, uh... Yes.

She, uh, she wanted to come.

And you're the girlfriend?

It's our three-week-aversary.

- Are you guys s-e-x-ing?
- Yeah.

Yeah? I would love to see you
two scissoring all night.

It must be crazy. Yeah.

Miss, can I smell your
finger? I mean, really...

this is just what it's about.

It's the magic of that fedora
hat, I mean, honestly...

You kind of look like
Timberlake without the power

or money or talent.

And, uh, did you buy him that hat?

You bet I did!

Yeah! Nice!

You go out with a girl, then
she starts dressing you

to look like a guy she
couldn't go out with.

So evidently,

she has a 1930s reporter
fetish or something.

Yeah, I really wanna bang a guy
that works at The Daily Planet.

I thought I was in the audience.

He looks like any minute,

he might do some close-up
magic for all of us.

Pete...

Pete, you better ice your
balls. This girl is awesome.

Scoot over, Dan. Hey, you guys
are never gonna believe it.

Guess who's downstairs.
Pete Holmes is downstairs.

Whoa, whoa. Pete Holmes
is in the audience?

In the audience? He's sittin' up front

with this super-hot chick.

I tell you, it's always
weird doing comedy

in front of other comedians.

So, obviously, there's no
big deal here, because...

- Who's this? Is that your girl?
- Yes.

Are things that bad in Russia,
man, that you had to...

...that you had to...?

So when you... When you say fedora,

are we thinking Guys and Dolls?

Like ska band? Reel Big Fish?

Pete, I gotta say, your beard
looks better than mine.

What is this? Oh, my God!

Seriously?

I don't know...

Let's see.

Who wants to see what's in the bag?

This is the only place in America

where democracy still
works. All right...

Uh, ooh, there's a feather!
What is this, tickling?

Is this tickling buttholes?
Tickling buttholes?

I actually think it's gonna look
good in the jazz man's hat.

Oh, we have found lube. Look, look.

It's a lot of lube, a lot.

What do you have down there?
Pubic hair or a tumbleweed?

What's that... That's
a lot of moisturizer.

Pete, what were you thinking?

It was an impulse buy.

It's right by the register.

Did you taste this? I have to taste it.

- No...
- Yeah, I need to.

I have to taste this.

It tastes like brisket.

This is cherry lube... do you
know how juvenile that is?

Like, I used this when I
was, like, 18, right?

Yeah, it's really crazy,
but I'm hungry, so...

He never remembers anyone's name, ever.

I know, and he's such a legend.
He started with George Barlow.

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

Oh, there it is. Work it, girl!

Pete, I gotta hand it to you.

You finally figured out how
to get into The Cellar.

Pay the cover, buy the two
drinks, and lose your dignity.

That's funny.

- You were great. You really were.
- Thank you so much.

- You know who's really funny?
- We're gonna go, gonna take off.

- This guy!
- Oh! One of the best! Are you kidding?

Yes! He's... one of my idols.

- He's funnier than all of you guys.
- Babe...

- Babe...
- That is judgement I trust.

Okay.

I'm just glad you finally found a fan.

- Okay, um...
- We're gonna go.

No, no, no. Wait, Pete. Fuck that.

They need to hear this.

Yeah, let's hear it! Let's hear it!

He's really funny.

Aw! He is!

Seriously! No.

Like, you just do goofy faces,

and then you seem like
you might be stoned,

which is really unprofessional.

And then, I don't know, you're just...

I don't... You're just not funny.

- Oh!
- Oh!

All right, all right.
Calm down, calm down.

That was fun.

- Crazy, but fun.
- They're really funny,

but there's a lot of
sadness in that room.

Well, that comes with it, I suppose.

- You're gonna eat, right?
- Yeah.

What?

- That's Ray Romano.
- I know.

- I can't believe it!
- I know!

You have to go talk to him.

- I mean...
- Right now, let's go talk to him.

I don't know if you can just go up

and say "hi" to Ray Romano.

He's a comic. You're peers.

He's a legend.

He's, like, my hero.

The other thing is, can we
just order the two mains

- right at five?
- No, because then we'll eat 'em.

- Well, we'll eat 'em anyway.
- Yes, but we're gonna eat...

Excuse me?

So, I'm sorry.

Sure. Hey, man.

Ray... Mr. Romano, I'm a huge fan.

I'm a comic. I'm a stand-up. I'm Pete.

Oh, okay. Thanks. Appreciate it.

But you're such a big deal to me.

The kind of comedy you do, your story...

It's an inspiration. I
love everything you do.

Appreciate it. Thank you.

Thank you. This is Kat, I'm sorry.

- How are you?
- I think you're hilarious.

- Hello. Hi, Tom.
- I'm Tom.

- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Tom, nice to meet you.

I'm sorry, I don't want to...

You're on his vision board.

Just have to tell you that.

What does that mean?

Oh, man, don't scare me. I scare easy.

No, it sounds freaky, but it's like...

You take pictures of things

that represent, like, your
goals and your dreams

and things that you want to achieve.

Then you put it on a poster
and then you look at it.

And he literally today just,
like, cut out a picture of you

and then put it on his board.

Oh, wait a minute. So
you think, what...?

It's like you set an intention,
and then you, like,

you manifest the things
that you want to come true.

- Like The Secret.
- It's The Secret.

I don't want to burst
your bubble, but...

you don't think that's what got me here.

'Cause I... I come here.

- But I came here, too.
- Yeah.

So maybe it moved me to
come here, and maybe...

Maybe it also, maybe plant...

You know, I don't know how it works.

I... I want free will. Do
I have free will still?

I'm not saying I made you leave
your house and come here...

- I know. I get it.
- ...but, you know, the stars align.

Uh, we gotta go. We gotta
go. I appreciate it.

I just want to thank you
for everything you do.

- You got it.
- He's... he, like, wants to...

He's got, like, a sitcom idea.

He, like, wants to do a sitcom.

I do. Well, yeah, that's... that's true.

So it's not just stand-up.

- It's like, what you did, I wanna...
- Yeah.

I have an idea about a guy

who's fed up with the
public schools, right?

And, um, so he pulls his
kids out and he starts

teaching them in his garage.

And then word gets out
'cause he's good at it.

- He's good at it.
- Right.

So then other kids start coming,

and it's called "Holmes School."

His last name is Holmes.

Pete Holmes, like homeschool.

So it's a guy who...

who lures kids into his garage.

Isn't that a Dateline episode?

No, when you put it that
way, it does sound creepy.

I... I teach them.

- Is that a sitcom? Who knows?
- I mean...

You know what? Maybe.
It probably could be.

Put that on your board.
That's what you do.

Take me down, put that
idea on the board,

and then we'll see if it's magic.

Here's the thing. Listen to me.

I wanna give you some advice.
You seem like a funny guy.

Get on stage, man. Be honest,
be funny, be yourself,

and, uh...

if it's supposed to happen,
it's gonna happen.

- What's this?
- Don't. Don't do that.

I'm sorry. I got excited. I got excited.

- We gotta go.
- Thank you.

- It was so nice to talk to you.
- Good luck.

- Thank you.
- I do like the hat, Pete.

- I do like the hat.
- Thank you.

- I think it's "Phil."
- It's Phil, right? Sorry.

Pete, wake up.

Happy four-week-aversary!

I have a surprise. Get up.

- Was I funny?
- You were funny.

Oh, gosh.

- Pete!
- What an alarm.

What do you need?

Come on!

- What are we doing?
- Wait.

- I don't want a knish.
- Wait, wait. Cool.

- There. There.
- What? The bus?

Hold on.

You did that?

Is that everywhere?

It's just that bus.

Just this week.

I don't know what to say.

I wanted to show you

so you would believe in yourself.

Because I believe in you.

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

This is it?

You ever stayed at a
comedy club condo before?

Looks like an assassin's hideout.

- Look who it is.
- Hey.

What're you? Are you
working this weekend?

I'm not sure how to approach a woman.

Is there anything more
creepy than asking,

"Are we gonna do it missionary?"

I was just wondering if
maybe, I should headline?

Actually, the owner did have
some suggestions for you.

- Just smile more.
- You go to McDonald's, you say,

"Can I make sure that there
are no pickles on my burger?"

It shouldn't be daunting
to say to a woman,

"Hey, can I put my
pickle in your burger?"