Crashing (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Bill Burr - full transcript

PETE HOLMES: I know sex is a
casual thing to some people,

but you're the second person

in my entire life I've ever made love to.

You gotta go.

You need to lose yourself
to find out who you are.

If you wanna play,
you're more than welcome.

Why don't you leave the ring here?

- [AMBULANCE HORN HONKS]
- PETE: What's goin' on?

- Bomb scare.
- PETE: What?

I'll grab a cop, I'll
explain what happened,

I'll get my ring. I gotta get my ring.



No, no, no. I have LSD in that bag.

Okay, fuck you.

- [GRUNTS]
- [EXPLOSIVE BLAST]

You know what you're
learning? Strength. Tons of it.

Can you roll up the window?

[WATER RUNNING]

[BUZZING]

- [HEAVY DOOR OPENS]
- [KEYS JANGLING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

[SIGHS] Hello.

The, uh, the toilet, it
was running all night.

You might want to call a plumber.

[SLOW BLUES SONG PLAYING]



- Oh, God.
- ♪ Our Lord is a strong man ♪

♪ My Lord is a strong man ♪

♪ My Lord My Lord ♪

That jerk-off Ramirez
still doing mug shots?

It was a lady, like Raising Arizona.

- Oh.
- She hadn't seen it.

Now there's a surprise.

It's a classic.

My God, man, look at you.

You're eating like Elvis with
the lights off. Calm down.

You know, they don't
really feed you in the can.

- Ah. The can?
- You know.

Yeah, I know, right. You
weren't in the can, Pete.

You weren't exactly on Rikers Island.

You were in a holding
cell at a police station.

That's like a Radisson with cleaner sheets.

- There were no sheets.
- No sheets, right.

It's rough in the joint.

Listen. I appreciate you meeting me,

but, um, I really could
use a place to, you know...

- What?
- ...use the couch.

- [SIGHS]
- Artie, it's just, like, a couple days,

just to settle myself, that's
what this whole thing was about.

I knew it. I knew it. You see,
I'm right about everything.

I told you this. I told you this.

I told you the couch is a
one-time sort of thing, all right?

I know, but I spent the night in jail.

I slept on a bench. It was like Shawshank.

Honestly, you know what? Do this.

I got a show tonight at the New School.

It's a thing I got to do. Just come by

and I'll sort you out, all right?

You'll enjoy it, actually.

- This is somethin' up your alley.
- Thank you.

All right, so let's
just, uh... Hey, sweetie?

Check, right? Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, dollface. All right.

- Dollface?
- Yeah, they love that.

What are you, a Dick Tracy villain?

No. They secretly love that.

- They don't love that.
- Yes, they do.

[DISTANT HORNS HONKING]

[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]

Fuck this place.

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

- [CHATTERING]
- Thank you.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Uh, I think I'm on the guest list,

Holmes? Like Sherlock?

Okay.

Uh, Pete?

BILL BURR: All I can think is,

I just want to grab this guy
by his tie, over the counter

and just keep repeatedly slamming
his head down on the counter.

[LAUGHTER]

But you can't do that 'cause
you go to jail, but I thought it.

So what you do, is you
take that to the stage,

and all you're doing is talking about it.

But the point is, is that
everybody has fucked-up thoughts.

All right? I don't care who you are.

You just... you just
have fucked-up thoughts,

and all these people who are
trying to, like, police comedy

are acting like they don't
also have these thoughts.

And the reality is, if
you really pay attention

to what you think on a
moment-to-moment basis,

like, if all of your thoughts, every

thought that you had just this morning

was broadcast on the Internet,

would any of you have a job on Monday?

[LAUGHTER]

JOY BEHAR: Probably not.

But that's an interesting thought,

because I work on daytime TV now. I know.

Everything I say, I have to censor

whatever comes out of my fucking mouth. Oh.

There you go. Let it out, Joy! Let it out!

[APPLAUSE, CHEERS]

Look, I'm gonna be honest with
you, sometimes I do worry, though,

what the crowds are
gonna be like in 10 years,

that we're gonna be performing to, right?

Well, at least that I'm
gonna be performing to.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Sorry, Artie.

See? That's what I'm talking
about, right then, obviously,

- I'm just breaking his balls.
- Well...

You can't hear the love underneath
it? You know I fucking love you.

I don't want you to die. Jesus Christ.

And if you do, please get cremated,

'cause I don't want to
carry that fucking coffin.

[LAUGHTER]

JOY BEHAR: Artie, Artie,
weigh in on this, come on.

I don't know. I think people
are way too uptight now.

You know, that happens a lot
on the road... you get the moan.

I don't mind when a girl
does it, when a guy does it...

I'm like, turn up the lights.

I got to see what guy just
got offended by something...

A 25-year-old guy got
offended by something I said,

to the point where he goes... [MOANS]

- What was it?
- No matter what it is,

like, I mean, when I was 25,

a comedian could not offend me.

They'd have to be beating my
mother with a salami on stage.

[LAUGHTER]

BEHAR: You guys, listen,
where's the line, you know?

I don't think there is a line.
I mean, it's an art form...

- WOMAN: Woo!
- There you go. One person agreed.

I don't know, I just...
Pharmaceutical companies

can just hand out fucking
opiates to everybody

like they're handing out
fliers to some shitty jam band,

and get everybody hooked on heroin,
and nobody has a problem with it?

But you tell a Caitlyn Jenner
joke in a fucking strip mall,

and all of a sudden people get offended.

BEHAR: That's a good point.
He makes a good point, right?

[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

PETE: This is really fun.

This is actually the first,
like, sit-down meal, like this,

that I've had since I moved
to New York, so thank you.

Moved? Moved is a strong word.

Shouldn't you move into a place
before you use the word "move"?

- Right.
- BURR: So let me get this straight.

Your wife fucks another guy and
then throws you out of the house,

and you're still in contact with that guy?

- Well, yeah. I...
- Pretty accurate.

I know. It's a little
weird, but, you know, he's...

- A little?
- [ARTIE CHUCKLES]

He's a hard guy to stay mad at, I guess.

- Oh...
- And plus, you know,

I'm not living with him anymore.

- Dude, you lived with the guy?
- [ARTIE LAUGHING]

Well, yeah...

You should've beat the
fucking shit out of him.

Thank you! Finally, somebody
understands what I'm talking about.

He's making sense. You
should've beat the shit out...

Somewhere there should be a bloody
poncho in a pawnshop right now.

I'm eating a very nice steak. Do we

have to ruin it by talking about the guy

that I just spent the
night in jail because of?

I mean, think about the
situation. You're living with him.

First you share a bed, then
you share the same woman.

Now you're gonna share, what,
the... some soap and a chore wheel?

I got to smoke.

I don't mean to be crabby.
It's just, you know,

it's not my favorite thing to
talk about, you can understand.

Look, dude, I'm not trying
to, like, pry or anything,

but how did you end up
living with your arch-nemesis?

I don't know anybody. I... My wife was...

Please tell me this is like a scam.

Dude, I would be shitting in that
guy's bed every fucking night.

How his toothbrush hasn't
been up your ass is a mystery.

Please tell me you did that.

- Uh... no.
- It'd be good for you.

I'm not a revenge person.
I'm a forgive person.

I'm trying to forgive. It not
easy, but, you know, with time...

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God, of course.
- Forgive and be forgiven.

- What?
- You're a Jesus freak.

- A lot of...
- You are. Look at your hair.

Your hair wants to introduce me to
your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Your fucking part wants to pray for me.

- Can it?
- Fuck no!

Oh.

I don't like that Artie's

smoking in the middle of the
meal now, that's a bad sign.

They have to go out for a
smoke while you're eating.

- Oh, yeah, he's gone.
- What do you mean?

Artie's like one of
those old country songs?

Dude goes out for a pack of
cigarettes and doesn't come back?

That's Artie.

He's coming back. He's just
smoking, he said he's smoking.

I'm telling you right now, he's halfway

to Atlantic City. He's not coming back.

I know what you're saying,
but he's doing better.

I've been hanging out with him,

he's doing better, he's sober.

Oh, sure, sure. He's a sober person.

What am I thinking? Silly me, right?

No, no. He'll... he'll be back.

Okay.

Shit.

Shit!

Come on.

Fuck.

God.

- He left.
- Told you.

It's 10:30, man. It's
10:30 at night. I-I...

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Fuck you, man. Come on.

Really? You don't mind?

Of course I fucking
mind. What am I gonna do?

You look like you'd get
stabbed at a Pizza Hut.

Just try not to fall down a
manhole, you fucking bumpkin.

♪

- Oh, hey, look who's still up.
- Hey.

You guys partyin'?

Yeah, just a couple party girls.

Look who's home?

BILL: Oh, my little precious.

- Hey, this is, uh, this is Pete.
- Hi.

Yeah, he's gonna be
stayin' with us tonight.

It's, uh, an honor to meet you, Mrs. Burr.

Thank you.

[SIGHS] So this is what
you're doing now, huh?

Just bringing your drinking buddies home?

Yeah... No, he's a good
guy. He works clean.

I'm not a heavy drinker.
I... I'm a nice person.

- Right.
- Hey, uh, you run hot or cold?

I run cold.

All right, quilt it is.

She's so precious.

Thank you.

I... I don't wanna... uh, I know
you're trying to get her to sleep,

but do you mind if I say hello?

Oh. Sure, yeah, yeah.

- A little visit?
- No, of course.

Hi.

Hi.

Can you say hi?

[SNIFFING]

[SIGHS] It's like life itself.

Don't... don't sniff my baby.

Bill, he's sniffing the baby.

BILL: Pete, don't be a fucking weirdo!

Whoa.

This is me?

This is you.

Wow, thank you.

Don't worry about it.

I... I been sleeping in a garage.

This is incredible.

Oh, you're gonna love this.

This is like a top-of-the-line
pull-out couch here.

No bar in the middle, you're
gonna sleep like a baby.

Wow.

Are you sure, uh, Nia's
okay with me staying here?

Dude, that's irrelevant.

She fucking loves pillows,
man, you can't even sit down.

You know, I used to be married.
I didn't understand them,

but then, when I lived with a woman,

they really can provide what's
known as a splash of color.

You know, there's so
much stuff that you say

that I don't even know
how to respond to it.

- Yeah.
- Because for some fucked up reason,

on the way up here, I was actually
starting to think, like, you know,

it's probably a good thing
that you're coming up here.

I have no guy time.

You wanna do guy stuff with me?

Yeah, watch a game or
something. Have a couple a pops.

I'm not really a manly... guy.

My favorite part of the
Super Bowl is the fun dips.

You don't understand.
You can't do this to me.

Can you just not be Pete,
for just a couple of days?

Just pretend, just treat
it like an acting exercise.

Can you just fucking try to guy it up?

- Just do something for me.
- Sure.

Just somethin'. Can you do that for me?

- Yeah, I'd love to try.
- All right.

I love the... The Boston Red Sox.

They don't have a... a good
starting lineup this year, but I...

There you go.

Oh, Jordan.

Best of all time...

Babe Ruth... but black and lean and jumpy.

- Why do you always do that?
- Am I ruining it? Yeah.

Yeah. You're always ruining it.
I'm just trying to make it...

I'm sorry.

♪

PETE: Holy shit!

[LAUGHING]

- Oh, my God.
- So, you ever play before?

No, I played, uh, mini-golf a little bit.

Well, there you go,
that's all you need, right?

Yeah, this isn't really a sport.

It's just a, uh...

it's just a game.

What are you talking about? It's
like in the Olympics and stuff...

Feel how comfortable these
clothes are. Look at this.

You're not supposed to be
able to do this with pants on.

Like these pants are so comfortable,

I keep having to look down to
make sure my dick isn't out.

It doesn't even feel like
I'm wearing clothes right now.

Do you know why that
is? That's just because

so many unathletic fat
fucks play this game.

Dude, the fact that
everybody has to shut up

when you hit the ball,
there's nobody guarding you,

and if you... Ooh! Simmer down!

Simmer down, everybody!

He's gonna hit the ball! Shh!

You ever watch somebody take
a free throw in basketball?

Ah, yeah, sure.

There's like 5,000 people going,
"Fuck you! Fuck your mother!"

And this thing here, it's not even moving.

Dude, they've changed the clubs.

These used to be made out of wood.

It was too heavy for 'em.

Too heavy for these
cheating banker cunts, right?

Of course, here we go.

So all you do, is you
just, you don't look there.

You just go like this...
and you go like that.

- Look at that! Jesus Christ!
- [LEAVES RUSTLING]

That's how you play golf.

That's 'cause you were talkin'!

Sorry.

- All right, I...
- Now just relax, just relax.

This... This doesn't...
This doesn't matter.

That's all right!

Come on, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll!

All right, you take it to fucking...

I hit it again there?

That's great. You take the wedge out.

- All right. Do we get in the cart?
- Huh?

Well, you'll probably want to hit
that thing before we get out of here.

- I'll drive you up to it.
- I need a ride...

BILL: What was your family like?

PETE: You know, always awkward
when there was a friend over.

Your parents don't know
you have a friend over,

and they start yelling
and you're like...[GROANS]

- Oh, that was the worst!
- [LAUGHING]

That's the worst, then you got
to, like, make up an excuse.

PETE: You get those few friends
that have watched your parents fight

you're like, "Oh, well, we're gold now."

- You know I'm from Boston.
- Yeah.

I know. That blows my mind

'cause I don't hear the accent at all.

What's your favorite Boston word?

Mine's "baked stuffed lobsta!"

[IN BOSTON ACCENT]: Dude,
every year for my birthday,

we go to the last fucking Ground Round.

[LAUGHING] The fucking
peanuts, still on the floor!

My aunt always gets fucking shatta'd,

starts arguin' with my motha!

PETE [IN BOSTON ACCENT]: We're
being fucking pricks right now!

BILL: We're cutting through, ya cocksuckas!

PETE: Sorry!

♪

Hey, so how are you enjoyin' the
single life, man, it must be great.

Ah... you know, it's different.

I'm... I'm, uh...

Yeah, you tagging anybody out there?

You know, I... I've dipped my beak.

Well, just please tell me
you're wearing a condom, man.

Yes. I'm terrified of STDs.

Yeah, you don't wanna knock anybody
up, either, you know what I mean?

- I don't wanna...
- Then you got to deal

with the death of that shit, right?

Not that I'm against abortion
or anything, but, like...

Well, it's a complicated issue.

It really isn't. You're aborting a life.

I'm not... I'm not a
fucking right-to-lifer,

but, like, for those people who
fuckin'... you have an abortion,

to sit there and say they didn't
kill somebody, it's bullshit.

'Cause it's like, if you didn't do

what the fuck you did,
there would be a kid.

Just two white men on a golf course

- discussing reproductive rights.
- No, just own up to it.

They're just sayin' because it doesn't

look like a baby yet, it's not a baby.

It's like, well, let 'em finish.

It's like cake batter. It's like
it's a tray of cake batter...

Perfect. Exactly!

Yeah, and then they look
at the batter and go,

"Well, that's not a cake. I
just didn't ruin your birthday."

It's like, "It was gonna be a
cake. If you left it in the oven.

Exactly. Hey, can I use that?

Yeah. Of course.

That's cool? You all right with that?

I don't wanna be weird.
Please, I'd be honored.

All right, cool. Where's your ball?

PETE: I didn't get it
anywhere near the hole.

Which is why I shouldn't worry
about getting anyone pregnant.

[BILL LAUGHS]

BILL: I was in the airport
the other day, right?

I'm sitting there waiting for
my flight, just hating my life

watching this... watching this
lady, she's eating Egg McMuffins,

like, plural, it's
just... like, three of 'em!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Right down her throat like a pelican!

- Like, right down her gullet!
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And when she was done, she
wiped her face with the bag!

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- Ah! With the bag!

One Chocolate Devotion.

Sounds like a Boyz II Men song.

Enjoy.

Hey. What's up, man?

Hey.

This is a little weird, I've never seen you

outside of the... Of the Grizzly Pear.

I've never seen you in the daylight.
Can I... Can I get you something?

- You want s... I can hook you up.
- No, actually, uh,

I came here to talk to you.

But also... yeah.

Let me get, uh, Cookies
and Cream and, uh, Skittles.

Fruity creamy guy, huh?

Boom.

So, uh... what's up? What's going on?

I, uh... wanted talk to
you about representation.

What do you mean?

You're a manager?

Yeah. I represent comics.

You think I'm funny?

I think you will be.

I've noticed things are starting to happen.

And I just want you to
know, as your manager,

I'm entitled to 20 percent
of those things going forward.

I'd love a manager. I...
I could use some help,

obviously, I... I work
in an ice cream shop.

I just actually heard, uh,
some of the guys were talkin'

about Colbert's looking for writers.

If we could submit, I'd love
to submit a... a submission.

Yeah, we could submit.

You know those guys?

No, but I... I'm good at guessing emails.

You know? You just kinda
watch the credits...

take a crack at it. Stephen
Colbert at Colbert dot-com,

you know... whoever the producer is,

at Colbert dot-com, you try
the G-mails, try the Yahoo's.

You go... you go back to
Hotmail sometimes if you need to.

Sometimes they just have a dot-M.E.

There's all sorts of websites out there.

I... I could do that. I... I really
need somebody with connections

that can kinda plug me in, you know?

Yeah. But aren't you, uh, someone told me

you're... opening for Nikki
Glaser this summer? 22 cities?

That's not me.

That's not you?

No, but I mean, I'd love
to do something like that.

If you could get me out
there opening for someone,

or... emcee work? Club work?

So you didn't already book that?

No. That... they must have me
confused with somebody else.

Do you still wanna be my manager?

Hmm... yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll do it.

That's great! That's great!

Yeah. Hey, that's... that's on me.

You can have that.

I know, this is your first check.

Later.

That's my manager. Show biz.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Um, so I was working out
in the Midwest recently.

There's, uh, you know, all the
Jesus freak, all the Trump supporters

out there, you know? 'Cause
he's gonna make it great again!

Right? He's gonna dig
up the Native Americans

- and kill 'em all over again!
- [LAUGHTER]

Make sure my friend Cletus

gets that casino this time around!

He's really going for it, huh?

I'd say... I'd say so.

He's... He's blowing off
a lotta steam, I think.

He's got a kid, he's got a
baby, you know, family life.

He's hilarious.

Who are you?

I'm Pete.

Pro-choice people annoy
me more than pro-life.

I like pro-life people 'cause I
know where I stand with them, right?

They're into Jesus, they quote scripture,

they have a strict
whites-only dating policy.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Right?

Pro-choice, you know what annoys me?

If they would just admit that they're

killing a baby, I could get on board.

'Cause I'm big on, like,
thinning out the herd.

But that whole thing goin,
"Oh, it... it's not a baby,"

it's like, well, it would've been.

- [LAUGHTER]
- If you didn't fucking do that.

[LAUGHTER]

That's like... that's like
if you're making a cake,

and there's a big bowl of
batter, and somebody just grabs it

and throws it in the trash.

You're, like, dude, you...
you've ruined my birthday cake.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Then I go, that wasn't a birthday cake.

It's like, well, it would've been.

If you fuckin' didn't throw it out.

A cake's life was ended,

and somebody's birthday got ruined.

That's another fucked up thing, too,

is women get to decide, too, right,

who's gonna have the birthday, who isn't.

Right? Oh, it's in my body, so what?

I put the frosting on it.

- You know?
- [LAUGHTER]

It's true! [LAUGHTER]

It's fucking true! You're
gonna make the decision,

and I got to walk around with their death?

It's un-fuckin'-real. Then
if you decide to keep it,

I also have to pay for it?

They get it coming and goin'.

I don't know what fucking
women are bitching about,

'cause you get... you get to
decide if babies live or die.

Isn't that enough for you?

[LAUGHTER AND GROANS]

I'm just doing this for the
reaction. You guys are too f...

"Oh my God!"

♪

[SIGHS]

_

_

Pro-choice people annoy
me more than pro-life.

With that whole thing goin',
"Oh, it... it's not a baby,"

it's like, well, it would've been!

- If you didn't fucking do that!
- [LAUGHTER]

That's like... that's like
if you had cake batter...

Oh my God. Shit!

You know, you don't have to
print plane tickets anymore.

You can do it at the airport.

You can put it on your phone.
Bunch of different shit.

- Porter.
- What are you doing here?

Sorry. Excuse me.

Why are you here? Don't come here.

I... I don't like mixing my worlds.

I'm sorry. I... you emailed me.

- What?
- The thing? Like...

Okay, so what, so you responded to an email

with a pop-in? What the
fuck is wrong with you?

It was me!

What do you mean?

It was me, I shot the video
at the Cellar, I taped it,

I put it on my Instagram,

they... they got it from my account.

Dude! What are you fuckin' talking about?

You know, I need to scrub it.

You... you seem like you know stuff.

I... do you know how to scrub something?

Scrub it? I can't have him know it was me!

I don't know Anonymous.

All right? I don't...
Nobody knows Anonymous.

You can't scrub it from the Internet.

Everything on the Internet, it's permanent.

It's digital herpes.

You... you are fucked.

It's a career ender.

For me?

Maybe. For him, definitely.

- You think so?
- Yeah. Women?

Definitely will upset women.

Do you have any idea how many
women there are that buy tickets?

Millions. All right?

Whatever made you think of putting it up?

I... he's been letting me stay with him.

You've been staying with Bill Burr?

- Yeah. I know...
- You've been at his house?

I... he... and he did a joke,
and I kinda riffed with him,

and then I wanted to film it
'cause I was proud that I helped.

Of all the people in the world
that you could've pissed off,

Bill Burr is the worst.

All right, he's out
there, he's... he's... MMA!

He's involved with the MMA community!

He's friends with Joe Rogan.

He'll Krav-Maga ya.

He's gonna punch you in the kidney

and you'll die a week later.

This isn't helping me.

Okay, well, you need to
take some heat off of this,

honestly, 'cause the
last thing that you want

is for the last thing you see
just to be, like, an orange beard,

and an ice pick, and him just
going, dah-dah-dah, dah-dah-dah-dah!

Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah!
'Cause you're fucked!

♪

- Hey, Pete!
- Oh, jeez!

Where do you think you're goin'?

I, uh... you know... I, um...

I w... uh...

Come here.

Something I wanna do with you.

Is something wrong or...?

No. Why?

Does somethin' look like it's wrong?

I honestly can't tell.

Just come.

Come on.

Okay.

[LOUD DRUMMING]

Dude... fuckin' love these things.

You know? It's the best.

You know, everybody, you got...
You got to have your escape.

Yeah. That was... that was awesome.

[SPITS]

You know, I never have anybody down here.

Huh.

Yeah, I was really looking forward to this.

It's nice.

Yeah. A little hang time.

Savoring the moment!

Yeah.

Huh. I thought maybe you were, uh...

I thought maybe you were
mad... in a bad mood, maybe.

Why?

I just thought maybe you
saw the... the article?

What ar... that shit on the Internet?

Yeah.

You know what pissed me off?
You know what pissed me off?

Is that somebody filmed my set.

- Mmm...
- What kinda person does that?

- Huh!
- I was doing a new bit!

And they only showed the first half,

before I got to the point.

- Bill...
- I would love to meet the asshole.

Know what I mean? Listens to DJ
music, lives at home with his mother.

I... I'm sorry...

Always doing the... the... the
peace sign with the stupid...

You know, um... I f... I filmed your set.

What the fuck you talking about?

Bill... I didn't put
it on Jezebel, I... I...

What do you mean...
Wait... Wait. You filmed it?

I was there. I... I just
put it on my Instagram.

I have, like, 23 followers. I was...

Pete, what the fuck, dude?

I was p... I was proud...

Dude, you filmed me,

you're just telling me
that now, you asshole?

I deleted the post. It was too late,

somebody shared it, and they found it,

- nd they put it...
- Pete, you put it on the fucking Internet.

Jesus Christ, what'd you
think was gonna happen?

I don't have a lot of followers, I w...

I w... I w... I'm sorry, I was bragging.

I was proud that I had
helped you with a joke,

that was a big deal to me.

Oh, Jesus Christ, it's like
getting mad at a fucking paper boy.

- D... Ah... I... I'm sorry...
- All right, all right, relax.

I fucked with your money,
I... I... I... I... I...

- Pete, it's not that big a deal.
- Whatever I can do to make it right.

- It's not that big a deal.
- Whatever I can do

to make it right, I'll
do it, okay? I'm sorry.

Pete? Pete, it's not that big a deal.

- Okay? I don't give a shit.
- You don't care?

Nah, I don't give a shit.

[SIGHS]

Dude, it's all gonna
blow over in three days.

You know, the Kardashians
will do somethin'.

Rihanna will start fuckin'
blowing some guy in Formula One.

You know, they'll...
Something will happen, right?

I... I thought you were mad at me.

Oh, no, believe me, if I
was mad at you, you'd know.

Okay? I don't hold shit in the way you do.

You keep it bottled up, man.

I... I packed up my
stuff, I was ready to go.

Good. Get the fuck outta here.

You got to go back to your life.

You're a perfectly good white guy.

But you... I... I can't go back to Artie.

I... I can't go... go back to my roommate.

You know what you need to do.

What?

You need to go down there, and you
need to tell that fucking cheatin'

hippie piece of shit what the fuck he is.

You need to pull him down the flight
of stairs by his fucking ponytail,

you need to beat the shit out of him.

Why? What does it accomplish?

'Cause it would make you feel better.

It's literally... it's... it's...
It's... it's... it's hurting you.

I can see it.

I could...

You should.

I could, you know...

Beat his fucking ass.

Yeah, I could beat his ass.

He fucked your wife.

He f... he fucked my wife!

Go in there, knock on the door,
and fucking punch him in the face!

That's right! Do you
know how good you'd feel?

I feel good just thinking about it.

Good. What are you thinking about?

You fucking Rusted Root
cover band hippie dipshit!

- Fuck you!
- There you go, let it out.

- Fuck you!
- Louder!

- Fuck you!
- Louder!

- Fuck that guy!
- [LAUGHING]

Oh my God, I'm so glad
you're not made at me!

- I'm not, but seriously, dude...
- Mm?

You got to get out of here.

Mm...

It's time.

Yeah.

♪

Hey, buddy.